Butcher Shop Jokes
66 butcher shop jokes and hilarious butcher shop puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about butcher shop that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Butcher Shop Short Jokes
Short butcher shop jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The butcher shop humour may include short butcher jokes also.
- A woman walks into a butcher shop "How much for the pig's head?"
"Ma'am, that's a mirror" - I took a massive gamble and just sunk all my life savings into a Butcher shop on a blimp. The steaks have never been higher!
- Not quite what she was expecting... Guy: I work with animals every day!
Girl: That's so sweet! Are you a vet or a pet shop own-
Guy: I'm a butcher. - A black women named betty goes to a butcher shop. Betty: Can I get a half pound of beef?
Butcher: No Black Betty, ham or lamb. - Paul's height is six feet, he is an assistant at a butcher shop and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh? Meat.
- There is a clerk at the butcher shop. He is 5'10" and wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weight? Meat.
- A man goes into a butcher's shop and says "I bet you 50 bucks you can't hand me the ribeye from the top shelf."
The butcher says: "I can't take that bet, the steaks are too high." - Black Betty walked into a butcher shop and asked for beef. The butcher replied, "No Black Betty, Ham or Lamb?"
- A woman walks into a butcher shop. She says to the butcher, "I'd like that pig's head over there."
To which the butcher replies, "I'm sorry to tell you ma'am, but that's a mirror." - I fancy having a bit of Rabbit for my dinner tonight. Could anyone tell me if it's cheaper from a Butchers or a pet shop.?
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Butcher Shop One Liners
Which butcher shop one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with butcher shop? I can suggest the ones about corner shop and sandwich shop.
- I had a butcher come into my shop and introduce me to his wife... He said, "Meet Patty".
- Why did the mountain top butcher shop go out of business? The steaks were to high.
- What did the surrealist butcher name his shop? Salvador Deli
- Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop? To make ends meat
- Freezers in butcher shops aren't just scary. They're bone-chilling.
- What is the slogan for Batman's butcher shop? Got ham?
- Why did the butcher sell his shop? Because he couldn't meat his expenses
- What does Batman ask when he enters a butcher shop? Gotham?
- I was gonna start a butcher shop But I hear it's a pretty cut t**... business
- A w**... farm was on fire next to a butcher shop. The steaks were high.
- Butcher A man in a butcher shop: "I would like bull t**... please"
Butcher: "Me too"
Fun-Filled Butcher Shop Jokes to Make You and Your Friends Chuckle & Giggle
What funny jokes about butcher shop you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean barber shop jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make butcher shop pranks.
A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it?
He said he'd offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16.
She agreed.
The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
The Butcher's Daughter
A butcher lives in a tiny apartment above his tinier shop. He is awakened in the middle of the night by strange noises coming from downstairs. He tiptoes down the staircase and peers into his shop to discover his daughter m**... with a large liverwurst on his butcher's block.
The butcher is mortified, but heads back upstairs to bed, trying to erase what he just witnessed from his mind.
In the morning a woman enters the store and starts picking out meats.
"...and finally, I'll need about a half a pound of liverwurst".
"Er...we're actually out of that..."
The woman looks perplexed, and points with her thumb to the liverwurst displayed inches away from her.
"So what's that then?"
"That...that is my son-in-law."
Gambler
A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."
The guy says "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."
"I am. But the steaks are too high."
So a man walks into a butcher shop and eyes several of the finest steaks...
There are cuts of meat on shelves all throughout the store. The butcher likes how this man carries himself so he offers him a proposition. He says, "If you can grab the slab of meat on the shelf over there that you've been looking at since you got in here, you can have it for free. Otherwise you have to pay me $100."
The man thinks about this for a moment, seeing that the juicy appetizing steak is only a few shelves up, *maybe if I stretch I can grab it*...
But then he cracks and yells running out of the shop, "The stakes are too high!"
The stakes
A man walks into a meat shop and asks if he can have a nice cut of prime steak. The butcher goes to the back of the shop but comes back empty handed. The man asks why he didn't bring back any meat, and the butcher replies "the meat was on the top shelf and I couldn't reach it... The stakes were just too high.
So an Englishmen walks into a Welshmen's butcher shop...
And says "I would like a goats head please." And the Welshmen says "alright, one goats head." And then the Englishmen says "no I don't want a Welshmen's goat, I want an English goat." And the Welshmen says "oh you want an English goat alright, I will take the brains out."
Irish Sausage
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only
raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two
pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much
trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a
plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick
the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees
and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them
out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and
more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I
can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are
killin'me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the
sausage in the third pub!"
Guy walks into a butcher shop
A guy walks into a butcher shop and sees a butcher standing in front of a shelf with various meats.
The guy says "I betcha 20 bucks you can't reach the meat on the top shelf."
The butcher looks at the shelf and replies, "Nah, those steaks are too high."
An oldie but a goodie
A guy walks into a butcher shop and says "I'd like two pounds of kidleys."
The butcher looks at him and says "Don't you mean you want two pounds of *kidneys*?"
The guy is all confused. "I *said* kidleys, d**... I?"
A gambler walked in to Mao Yings butcher shop
... and walked out immediately because the steaks were too high.
butcher
The butcher lived in an apartment over his shop. One night he was awakened by strange noises coming from below. He tiptoed downstairs and observer that his 19-year-old daughter was sitting on the chopping block and m**... with liverwurst. He sighed and tiptoed back to bed.
The next morning, one if his customers came in and asked for some liverwurst. The butcher explained he didn't have any.
The lady was annoyed. She pointed and said, " No liverwurst, eh? Well, what's that hanging on the hook right overt there?"
The butcher frowned at her and replied " That, lady, is my son-in-law."
My local butcher's shop is so clean
You could eat a raw sausage directly out of the butcher's trouser pocket. I know this because I spotted my wife doing it in the back of his shop the other day and she seems to have suffered no ill-effects.
Grandma walks into a butcher's shop
Grandma: "Hi, I'd like to buy one baloney."
Butcher: "Pre-sliced or in one piece?"
Grandma lifts her skirt and says: "Does this look like a CD player to you?"
Old Soviet Joke
Little Boy: What will Communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."
Justice
A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?
The lawyer replied, Of course, how much was the roast?
$7.98. said the butcher.
A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.
Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150
Butcher Shop
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
A boy goes into a butcher's shop and says, 'Mum says can we please have a sheep's head...".
"...and you're to leave the eyes in 'cos it's got to see us through the week."
Credit to Terry Pratchett.
A lawyer's dog
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.
The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher receives a mail from the lawyer.
The contents read
"Pay Consultation fee: $25.00."
A zombie is at the butcher shop.
A zombie is at a butcher shop for the undead. He tells the butcher, "Give me 40 pounds of human brain and 60 human legs. And keep them in the boxes, they're going straight in my truck."
The butcher says, "Do you need a hand with that?"
A man walks into a butcher shop...
... one day and while he is browsing the meat selection the butcher approaches him and says, "I have an offer for you. If you can jump up and slap one of these peices of meat I have hanging here, I'll give you what you want for free. However if you can't reach them then you have to pay triple the amount." The man takes a moment to think it through and replies to the butcher, "Sorry, but the steaks are too high."
A woman goes to the butcher shop to buy some sausages
When she gets them, she notices that they're half pork and half cornmeal. Bringing this up to the butcher, she says, "it's cornmeal on the left and pork on the right!" He tells her "It's to cut costs, ma'am. In this economy, it's so hard to make all ends meat."
A woman goes in to a butchers shop
Lady: Is that a pigs head in your window?
Butcher: No madam, it's a mirror.
Do you know what's over 100m long and eats only potatoes ?
A line leading to a butcher's shop in the Communist Bloc.
A man walks into a butchers's shop
and says to the butcher "Oi mate! Are you a gambling man?
The butcher says "Yes, I'm a gambling man".
So the guy says "Alrighty, I bet you £20 you can't touch that piece of meat hanging above your head!"
So the butcher looks up.
He looks down, and back at the man.
"I'm sorry" says the butcher, "I can't take that bet".
"Why not?" says the man, "I thought you were a gambling man?"
"I am" says the butcher, "but the steaks are too high".
A Butcher is Selling Meat and Has One Chicken Left
A butcher is selling meat at his shop and is down to his last chicken.
A woman comes into the store and approaches the butcher. She asks the butcher for a chicken.
The butcher goes into the freezer and pulls out his only remaining chicken. He returns and puts it on the counter.
The woman takes a look at the chicken and asks the butcher if he has any larger chicken.
The butcher takes the chicken and puts it back in the freezer. He waits a minute, pulls the same chicken back out of the freezer, and returns. He puts it in front of the woman and says this is a bigger chicken.
Great! Says the woman, I'll take them both!
An old woman walks into a butcher shop and asked the butcher if he had a sheep's head.
The butcher replied "sorry no it's just the way I part my hair".
A man walks into a butcher shop...
A man walks into a butcher shop and asks if the butcher has any duck meat.
The butcher says of course he does, but can only give it on a special condition.
"You can only get the duck if you stab yourself with a butcher's knife" the butcher tells the man.
The man was confused and Immediately demands an explanation for the absurd rule.
The butcher simply points to a sign located outside his store and it clearly reads
"No Harm No Fowl"
Boulangerie is a french bakery. Boucherie is a french butcher shop. What's a french ice cream shop?
Benandgerie.
Chicken
My brother and I walk into a butcher shop and ask for a medium size chicken.
"Something like this?", the butcher asks.
"Yes", my brother replies, "that's a chicken!"
I went to my local butcher shop yesterday...
And there was a woman butcher ! In all my years , I'd never seen a woman working at a butcher shop. Times really are changing ! #meattoo
A man goes to a butcher's shop
He asks the butcher, "can I have a pound of kidleies?"
The butcher says, "you mean kidneys, right?"
"That's what I said, d**... I?"
Holiday
Just walked past the Butchers Shop window, sign says Turkey £29. That's a bargain! £150 more at Thomas Cook. (UK only joke)
Why did the midget decide not to open his own butcher shop?
Because, the steaks were too high!
A woman walks into a butcher shop...
"Excuse me," she says. "But I bought these sausages here yesterday and, well, the middle is fine, but both ends are made of sawdust."
The butcher shrugs. "Sometimes it's hard to make ends meat."
\----------------------
The very next day, the butcher is feeling overwhelmed. He accidentally backs into his meat grinder.
He got a little behind in his work.
A lady goes grocery shopping.
So, a lady goes to the grocery store to buy a few things, and she approaches the meat section on the store. She says to the butcher "how much for that pig's head??" To this the butcher replies "ma'am, that's a mirror."