Comical Butcher Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
Gambler
A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."
The guy says "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."
"I am. But the steaks are too high."
I bet my butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.
He said "No, the steaks are too high".
Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into a meat grinder?
Apparently he got a little behind in his orders.
My butcher introduced me to his wife the other day...
He brought her out and said,
"meet patty"
The butcher backed up...
The butcher backed up to the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital...
...just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
Why was the butcher worried?
Because his job was at steak.
A man walks into a butchers...
The man says to the butcher "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher replies "Yes, you could say that." The man says "Okay then, I bet you $100 you can't reach that meat you've got hanging from the ceiling up there." The Butcher looks up and says "No sorry" The man says "I thought you said you were a gambling man, why not?" The butcher answers. "The steaks are too high."
help me figure out this riddle!
a farmer has 2 sons. one is a "good boy" and the other is "a bump on a log". the farmer takes his cow into town and sells it to a butcher. then he goes to a watchmaker and buys a watch. WHO DOES HE GIVE THE WATCH TO?
this is some dutch riddle, so the "" are translated words
A man goes to a store to buy groceries.
When he gets to the Butchery, he asks for three steaks.
The butcher asks if he'd like to play a game, after which the man replies that he would.
The butcher climbs a ladder up to the ceiling, easily 9 or 10 feet, and hangs them on hooks up there.
When he climbs down, the butcher says "If you can jump up and get all of your steaks in 3 tries, all of your groceries are free."
The man asks, "What's the catch?"
The butcher replies, "If you fail to get the steaks in three tries, you have to pay for your groceries and those of the man behind you in line."
After some consideration, the man replies "No."
The butcher asks, "Why not?"
The man simply replies "The stakes are too high."
Old Soviet Joke
Little Boy: What will Communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."
You can explore butcher meat reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean butcher hanz dad jokes. There are also butcher puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef.
The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"
A man goes into a butcher's shop
and says "I bet you 50 bucks you can't hand me the ribeye from the top shelf."
The butcher says: "I can't take that bet, the steaks are too high."
My butcher is very rude
I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder
How did the butcher introduce his wife?
Meat Pattie
Three Men are Captured by Female Savages!
They are told their d**... would be removed in a manner appropriate to their jobs.
The first was a lumberjack, so his would be chopped off.
The second was a butcher, so his would be sliced off.
The third man started laughing. The females asked what was so funny, and he replied, "I work for Dyson!".
David Cameron
Went to his local butcher. He asked the butcher for a steak. The butcher asked "what is your favourite cut?", David replied, "the public sector".
I've just taken my sausages back to the butchers...
There was only a tiny bit of pork in the middle, the left and right sides were just pure breadcrumbs.
The butcher apologised and said that he was suffering financially, business was tough and he was finding it increasingly difficult to make ends meat.
A lawyer's dog
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.
The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher receives a mail from the lawyer.
The contents read
"Pay Consultation fee: $25.00."
There is a clerk at the butcher shop. He is 5'10" and wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weight?
Meat.
Black Betty walked into a butcher shop and asked for beef.
The butcher replied, "No Black Betty, Ham or Lamb?"
I was at the butchers the other day
And i thought while i'm there i'd have a gamble with the butcher. I bet him £10 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf, he said "nah mate, i'm not taking that bet, the steaks are too high."
A man walks into a butcher shop...
... one day and while he is browsing the meat selection the butcher approaches him and says, "I have an offer for you. If you can jump up and slap one of these peices of meat I have hanging here, I'll give you what you want for free. However if you can't reach them then you have to pay triple the amount." The man takes a moment to think it through and replies to the butcher, "Sorry, but the steaks are too high."
Why do butchers avoid buying cattle from Colorado?
Because the steaks are too high.
New dad as of today, so here is my first dad joke.
What do you call it when you accidentally butcher your heifer instead of your steer? A Ms. Steak.
At a First Date Conversation
At a first date:
He: I work with animals every day!
She: Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?
He: I'm a butcher.
If you got a butcher who is 6'2, what does he weigh?
Meat.
I told the butcher I'd give him $10 if he got the meat down off the top shelf.
He said he couldn't.... the steaks were too high.
A woman goes to the butcher shop to buy some sausages
When she gets them, she notices that they're half pork and half cornmeal. Bringing this up to the butcher, she says, "it's cornmeal on the left and pork on the right!" He tells her "It's to cut costs, ma'am. In this economy, it's so hard to make all ends meat."
Not quite what she was expecting...
Guy: I work with animals every day!
Girl: That's so sweet! Are you a vet or a pet shop own-
Guy: I'm a butcher.
So an African woman named Betty walked into a butcher and asked if they had beef.
The Butcher replied "No, Black Betty, ham or lamb."
A vegetarian was very angry with her son, who became a butcher.
She's got a lot of beef right now.
What do you call the knight who is also a butcher?
Sir l**...
A black women named betty goes to a butcher shop.
Betty: Can I get a half pound of beef?
Butcher: No Black Betty, ham or lamb.
A man walks into a butchers's shop
and says to the butcher "Oi mate! Are you a gambling man?
The butcher says "Yes, I'm a gambling man".
So the guy says "Alrighty, I bet you £20 you can't touch that piece of meat hanging above your head!"
So the butcher looks up.
He looks down, and back at the man.
"I'm sorry" says the butcher, "I can't take that bet".
"Why not?" says the man, "I thought you were a gambling man?"
"I am" says the butcher, "but the steaks are too high".
A man went to a brain store to get a brain to complete a study.
He sees a sign indicating the nationality of each type of brain. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for an Americans brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for a Japaneese brain?"
"ten dollars an ounce."
"How much for a Frenchmen's brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is a Frenchmen's brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many French men we had to use to get one ounce of brain?"
A Butcher is Selling Meat and Has One Chicken Left
A butcher is selling meat at his shop and is down to his last chicken.
A woman comes into the store and approaches the butcher. She asks the butcher for a chicken.
The butcher goes into the freezer and pulls out his only remaining chicken. He returns and puts it on the counter.
The woman takes a look at the chicken and asks the butcher if he has any larger chicken.
The butcher takes the chicken and puts it back in the freezer. He waits a minute, pulls the same chicken back out of the freezer, and returns. He puts it in front of the woman and says this is a bigger chicken.
Great! Says the woman, I'll take them both!
What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher?
One stays awake, the other weighs a steak
I mean, yeah, I work with animals.
I'm a butcher.
Why didn't the butcher attempt to get the meat from the top shelf off of his rickety ladder?
The steaks were too high.
Everyone in our little town was shocked and horrified that the local butcher got busted for selling drugs.
I had seen Pete once a week like clockwork for over a decade, never even knew he was a butcher.
First date.
He: I work with animals every day!
Her: Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?
He: I am a butcher
A woman walks into a butcher shop
"How much for the pig's head?"
"Ma'am, that's a mirror"
A vegan told me I shouldn't eat animals because I can't kill or butcher them with my bare hands...
So I gave him a coconut and told him to have a nice day.
A woman walks into a butcher shop.
She says to the butcher, "I'd like that pig's head over there."
To which the butcher replies, "I'm sorry to tell you ma'am, but that's a mirror."
I bet the butcher £100 he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf
He said No chance the stakes are way too high
The butcher
A butcher gets his finger stuck in a slicer and cuts it off. He spends all day at the hospital getting the stump sewn up, then calls his wife.
"Honey, I'm in the hospital," he says. "I accidentally cut off my finger, but I'm OK."
"Oh, God!" she cries. "The whole finger?"
"No. The one next to it."
What does a butcher call a cow on a hill?
High Steaks
I bet my butcher $1,000 that he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf without a ladder.
He said the steaks were too high.
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
I had a butcher come into my shop and introduce me to his wife...
He said, "Meet Patty".
A butcher slicing bacon backed up into his machine.
He got a little behind in his orders.
Paul's height is six feet, he is an assistant at a butcher shop and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh?
Meat.
I bought minced meat but forgot to pay the butcher
He now has a beef with me
The dwarf wanted to quit his job and become a butcher...
...but the steaks were too high
I once dated a girl
She told me she loved all animals. When I told her I worked with animals, she asked me if I was a veterinarian.
I told her, "No, I am a butcher"
Woman goes to the butchers, "I'd like an oxtail please."
"Certainly" replies the butcher. "Once upon a time, there was an ox........."
What happened to the butcher when he backed into the meat grinder?
Nothing. He just got a little behind in his work.
I took a massive gamble and just sunk all my life savings into a Butcher shop on a blimp.
The steaks have never been higher!
Did you hear what happened to the butcher?
He accidentally backed into the meat grinder.
He's okay though, he just got a little behind in his work.
Man went to the butchers and asked if he had any ox tales
'Sure' replied the butcher 'once upon a time an ox…'
Sorry messed up title should read 'ox tails' whoops
What did the butcher say about the cow that got away?
Sounds like a missed steak...
My butcher has started making sausages from seabirds....
Today he has taken a tern for the wurst.
I bet a butcher $20 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf
He said the steaks were too high.
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his work.
Do you know about the butcher that kept accidentally backing into the meat grinder?
He always got a little behind with his orders
I have a smart kid. I told him about the birds and bees
And he told me about my wife and the butcher!
