Butcher Jokes
123 butcher jokes and hilarious butcher puns to laugh out loud. Read professions jokes about butcher that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Humorous jokes about butchers, pork, and meat abound! Learn all about butcher shop culture and Pat Butcher, an Irish butcher with a penchant for massacre. Whether it's a bad butcher joke or a joke about pork, there's something for everyone!
Funniest Butcher Short Jokes
Short butcher jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The butcher humour may include short fishmonger jokes also.
- A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef. The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"
- I bet my butcher $1,000 that he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf without a ladder. He said the steaks were too high.
- Woman goes to the butchers, "I'd like an oxtail please." "Certainly" replies the butcher. "Once upon a time, there was an ox........."
- At a First Date Conversation At a first date:
He: I work with animals every day!
She: Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?
He: I'm a butcher. - A woman walks into a butcher shop "How much for the pig's head?"
"Ma'am, that's a mirror" - I once dated a girl She told me she loved all animals. When I told her I worked with animals, she asked me if I was a veterinarian.
I told her, "No, I am a butcher" - My butcher introduced me to his wife the other day... He brought her out and said,
"meet patty" - The butcher backed up... The butcher backed up to the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
- I took a massive gamble and just sunk all my life savings into a Butcher shop on a blimp. The steaks have never been higher!
- Man went to the butchers and asked if he had any ox tales 'Sure' replied the butcher 'once upon a time an ox…'
Sorry messed up title should read 'ox tails' whoops
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Butcher One Liners
Which butcher one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with butcher? I can suggest the ones about barber and blacksmith.
- My butcher is very rude I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder
- "Doctor I think I need glasses!" "You certainly do Sir, this is the butchers."
- I just failed my butcher's exam. Mis-steaks were made.
- Why do butchers avoid buying cattle from Colorado? Because the steaks are too high.
- The butcher's wife always messes up everyone's order. We call her Miss Steak.
- The dwarf wanted to quit his job and become a butcher... ...but the steaks were too high
- A butcher slicing bacon backed up into his machine. He got a little behind in his orders.
- My dad says I did a good job slicing the steak To be honest I think I butchered it
- What does a butcher call a cow on a hill? High Steaks
- My local butcher's has started accepting crypto as payment. But only proof of steak.
- I bought minced meat but forgot to pay the butcher He now has a beef with me
- What do you call a new butcher being introduced to his colleagues? A meat and greet
- I mean, yeah, I work with animals. I'm a butcher.
- Why was the butcher worried? Because his job was at steak.
- Why did the butcher get fired? He kept playing with his meat in front of the customers.
Butcher Shop Jokes
Here is a list of funny butcher shop jokes and even better butcher shop puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Not quite what she was expecting... Guy: I work with animals every day!
Girl: That's so sweet! Are you a vet or a pet shop own-
Guy: I'm a butcher. - Paul's height is six feet, he is an assistant at a butcher shop and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh? Meat.
- There is a clerk at the butcher shop. He is 5'10" and wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weight? Meat.
- Why did the mountain top butcher shop go out of business? The steaks were to high.
- I fancy having a bit of Rabbit for my dinner tonight. Could anyone tell me if it's cheaper from a Butchers or a pet shop.?
- Boulangerie is a french bakery. Boucherie is a french butcher shop. What's a french ice cream shop? Benandgerie.
- A woman goes in to a butchers shop Lady: Is that a pigs head in your window?
Butcher: No madam, it's a mirror. - What did the surrealist butcher name his shop? Salvador Deli
- An old woman walks into a butcher shop and asked the butcher if he had a sheep's head. The butcher replied "sorry no it's just the way I part my hair".
- Grandma walks into a butcher's shop Grandma: "Hi, I'd like to buy one baloney."
Butcher: "Pre-sliced or in one piece?"
Grandma lifts her skirt and says: "Does this look like a CD player to you?"
Comical Butcher Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land
What funny jokes about butcher you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean grocer jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make butcher pranks.
Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into a meat grinder?
Apparently he got a little behind in his orders.
The stakes
A man walks into a meat shop and asks if he can have a nice cut of prime steak. The butcher goes to the back of the shop but comes back empty handed. The man asks why he didn't bring back any meat, and the butcher replies "the meat was on the top shelf and I couldn't reach it... The stakes were just too high.
What did Batman say when he went to the butcher?
Got Ham?
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital...
...just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A butcher is found dead, crushed under a side of beef.
I guess for that butcher, the steaks were just too high.
I brought my vegetarian girlfriend home for dinner...
...and my grandmother served us all, including my girlfriend, a very juicy, very much still hanging on the bone, rack of lamb. My girlfriend was looking at me in horror, whilst I took my gran aside.
"Didn't I tell you she was a vegetarian?" I asked.
She replied "oh yes dear, I checked with the butcher and he said the sheep he sells only eat grass!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So an Englishmen walks into a Welshmen's butcher shop...
And says "I would like a goats head please." And the Welshmen says "alright, one goats head." And then the Englishmen says "no I don't want a Welshmen's goat, I want an English goat." And the Welshmen says "oh you want an English goat alright, I will take the brains out."
A man walks into a butchers...
The man says to the butcher "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher replies "Yes, you could say that." The man says "Okay then, I bet you $100 you can't reach that meat you've got hanging from the ceiling up there." The Butcher looks up and says "No sorry" The man says "I thought you said you were a gambling man, why not?" The butcher answers. "The steaks are too high."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An oldie but a goodie
A guy walks into a butcher shop and says "I'd like two pounds of kidleys."
The butcher looks at him and says "Don't you mean you want two pounds of *kidneys*?"
The guy is all confused. "I *said* kidleys, d**... I?"
help me figure out this riddle!
a farmer has 2 sons. one is a "good boy" and the other is "a bump on a log". the farmer takes his cow into town and sells it to a butcher. then he goes to a watchmaker and buys a watch. WHO DOES HE GIVE THE WATCH TO?
this is some dutch riddle, so the "" are translated words
Jim is a butcher. Has a sister named Delores. He stands 6ft tall and wears a 10 gallon hat. What does he weigh?
Meat hes a butcher.
A man goes to a store to buy groceries.
When he gets to the Butchery, he asks for three steaks.
The butcher asks if he'd like to play a game, after which the man replies that he would.
The butcher climbs a ladder up to the ceiling, easily 9 or 10 feet, and hangs them on hooks up there.
When he climbs down, the butcher says "If you can jump up and get all of your steaks in 3 tries, all of your groceries are free."
The man asks, "What's the catch?"
The butcher replies, "If you fail to get the steaks in three tries, you have to pay for your groceries and those of the man behind you in line."
After some consideration, the man replies "No."
The butcher asks, "Why not?"
The man simply replies "The stakes are too high."
Old Soviet Joke
Little Boy: What will Communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."
A butcher married a baker and had a kid who grew up to be what?
Fat.
What was the butcher doing when he got caught?
Beating his meat.
Did you hear about the insomniac, dyslexic, obsessive compulsive butcher?
He used to lay in bed at night worrying about why he constantly weighed a steak.
Why was the Butcher depressed?
Because his life was in shambles.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three Men are Captured by Female Savages!
They are told their d**... would be removed in a manner appropriate to their jobs.
The first was a lumberjack, so his would be chopped off.
The second was a butcher, so his would be sliced off.
The third man started laughing. The females asked what was so funny, and he replied, "I work for Dyson!".
David Cameron
Went to his local butcher. He asked the butcher for a steak. The butcher asked "what is your favourite cut?", David replied, "the public sector".
I've just taken my sausages back to the butchers...
There was only a tiny bit of pork in the middle, the left and right sides were just pure breadcrumbs.
The butcher apologised and said that he was suffering financially, business was tough and he was finding it increasingly difficult to make ends meat.
Why a baker?
Why did the baker become a baker?
He just couldn't cut it as a butcher.
A lawyer's dog
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.
The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher receives a mail from the lawyer.
The contents read
"Pay Consultation fee: $25.00."
Ever wonder where people got their surnames from?
Mr. Baker was probably a baker.
Mr. Butcher might have been a butcher.
...then there's Mr. Dickinson.
Why did the butcher get fired?
For bringing home the bacon.
A man walks into a butcher shop...
... one day and while he is browsing the meat selection the butcher approaches him and says, "I have an offer for you. If you can jump up and slap one of these peices of meat I have hanging here, I'll give you what you want for free. However if you can't reach them then you have to pay triple the amount." The man takes a moment to think it through and replies to the butcher, "Sorry, but the steaks are too high."
New dad as of today, so here is my first dad joke.
What do you call it when you accidentally butcher your heifer instead of your steer? A Ms. Steak.
The celibate butcher is pretty successful in his occupations.
Nothing beats his meat!
Girl meets boy
Girl: What do you do for a living?
Man: I work with animals.
Girl: Aw, thats so cute!
... Man, 30yrs, butcher.
My friends are named after what they do...
My friend Butch is a butcher, my friend Taylor is a tailor, and my black friend's name is Rob
Under communism, every man has what he needs.
That's why the butcher puts a sign up that says: *"nobody needs meat today."*
A woman goes to the butcher shop to buy some sausages
When she gets them, she notices that they're half pork and half cornmeal. Bringing this up to the butcher, she says, "it's cornmeal on the left and pork on the right!" He tells her "It's to cut costs, ma'am. In this economy, it's so hard to make all ends meat."
A vegetarian was very angry with her son, who became a butcher.
She's got a lot of beef right now.
What did the butcher do after he forgave the thief?
He let him off the hook.
My antisocial brother just got fired from his job at the butcher.
He just wasn't meating enough people..
A man went to a brain store to get a brain to complete a study.
He sees a sign indicating the nationality of each type of brain. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for an Americans brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for a Japaneese brain?"
"ten dollars an ounce."
"How much for a Frenchmen's brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is a Frenchmen's brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many French men we had to use to get one ounce of brain?"
A Butcher is Selling Meat and Has One Chicken Left
A butcher is selling meat at his shop and is down to his last chicken.
A woman comes into the store and approaches the butcher. She asks the butcher for a chicken.
The butcher goes into the freezer and pulls out his only remaining chicken. He returns and puts it on the counter.
The woman takes a look at the chicken and asks the butcher if he has any larger chicken.
The butcher takes the chicken and puts it back in the freezer. He waits a minute, pulls the same chicken back out of the freezer, and returns. He puts it in front of the woman and says this is a bigger chicken.
Great! Says the woman, I'll take them both!
What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher?
One stays awake, the other weighs a steak
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What did the butcher say when kicked in the g**...?
I've got some tender l**...
I'm a butcher and I sell dead chickens at work
They aren't going cheep
Everyone in our little town was shocked and horrified that the local butcher got busted for selling drugs.
I had seen Pete once a week like clockwork for over a decade, never even knew he was a butcher.
Why didn't the butcher cross the road?
He didn't want to brisket
I walked in on my wife and the milkman
the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!
I had to quit my job as a butcher.
I backed into the meat grinder and got behind in my work.
The butcher didn't want to fire the midgets on his staff, but they couldn't get the meat off the top shelf
The steaks were just too high
A vegan told me I shouldn't eat animals because I can't kill or butcher them with my bare hands...
So I gave him a coconut and told him to have a nice day.
A guy goes to his butcher
He asked for sliced ham. The butcher takes his block of ham, put on the machine and start cutting some slices. He cuts 1 slice, 2 slices, 3 slices and looks at the customer:
Should I stop or do you want me to go on?
Go on, go on!
I cuts 5 mores slices and look at the customer again:
Go on, keep cutting some slices .
The butcher continue his work and after a long time and 11 more slices the customer says:
Stop! That's the one I want.
What do you call a lesbian meat packer?
A butcher
I was bringing home some tongue from the butcher...
...when a cat jumped into my arms and took it.
I was speechless.
A guy claims to have made a 20 lb hotdog
A butcher says ah, that's bologna
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The butcher
A butcher gets his finger stuck in a slicer and cuts it off. He spends all day at the hospital getting the stump sewn up, then calls his wife.
"Honey, I'm in the hospital," he says. "I accidentally cut off my finger, but I'm OK."
"Oh, God!" she cries. "The whole finger?"
"No. The one next to it."
Vegan lady and a butcher
A vegan lady went on a blind date with a man. She asked him what do you do for a living. He said he is a butcher. The lady said "eww that's grouse".
The butcher replied "a person who sells vegetables is grocer".
What did the pig say to the spanish butcher?
Porque
A waitress, a butcher, and a policeman walk into a bar.
The policeman arrests everyone there for breaking the quarantine order.
A woman walks into a butcher shop...
"Excuse me," she says. "But I bought these sausages here yesterday and, well, the middle is fine, but both ends are made of sawdust."
The butcher shrugs. "Sometimes it's hard to make ends meat."
\----------------------
The very next day, the butcher is feeling overwhelmed. He accidentally backs into his meat grinder.
He got a little behind in his work.
A butcher is 5 ft 3 inches tall, what does he weigh?
Meat
My butcher once gave me beef from a female cow.
I said, "I believe this is a Miss Steak".
The butcher shouldn't put the names of the cows on the packaging.
I feel really bad eating good old Chuck.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was gonna start a butcher shop
But I hear it's a pretty cut t**... business
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Have you heard of a French ABBA cover band with just 3 members?
They're not any good, completely butcher the songs.
They're called abba t**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman was sick and tired of hearing her husband f**... all night long and repeatedly told him that he'd s**... his guts out one day.
He kept doing it, so she bought an entire sack of pigs intestines from the butcher and put them in the man's underwear when he was asleep. When she awoke the next morning, he said, "You were right honey, I DID s**... my guts out! But with the grace of God and these two fingers, I was able to push them back in!"
A German butcher and a Polish butcher started a competition...
...to see who could make the longest continuous chain of sausage links in one hour.
It was a tight competitions; both men take pride in their craft and in their sausage-slinging heritage. The two were neck-in-neck up until the 59th minute, wherein the Polish butcher had a slip of the hand and split his last sausage asunder. When the scraps finally settled, the Polish butcher had managed 120 links and the German managed 121.
Naturally, the German butcher won, because he went a frank further.
