Butcher Jokes

What are some Butcher jokes?

A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef.

The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"

A man walks into a butchers...

The man says to the butcher "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher replies "Yes, you could say that." The man says "Okay then, I bet you $100 you can't reach that meat you've got hanging from the ceiling up there." The Butcher looks up and says "No sorry" The man says "I thought you said you were a gambling man, why not?" The butcher answers. "The steaks are too high."

I bet my butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.

He said "No, the steaks are too high".

So an African woman named Betty walked into a butcher and asked if they had beef.

The Butcher replied "No, Black Betty, ham or lamb."

Old Soviet Joke

Little Boy: What will Communism be like when perfected?

His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.

Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?

His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."

At a First Date Conversation

At a first date:

He: I work with animals every day!

She: Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?

He: I'm a butcher.

A woman walks into a butcher shop

"How much for the pig's head?"

"Ma'am, that's a mirror"

Gambler

A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."
The guy says "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."
"I am. But the steaks are too high."

My butcher introduced me to his wife the other day...

He brought her out and said,

"meet patty"

The butcher backed up...

The butcher backed up to the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

My butcher is very rude

I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder

Not quite what she was expecting...

Guy: I work with animals every day!

Girl: That's so sweet! Are you a vet or a pet shop own-

Guy: I'm a butcher.

What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher?

One stays awake, the other weighs a steak

A black women named betty goes to a butcher shop.

Betty: Can I get a half pound of beef?

Butcher: No Black Betty, ham or lamb.

David Cameron

Went to his local butcher. He asked the butcher for a steak. The butcher asked "what is your favourite cut?", David replied, "the public sector".

A man went to a brain store to get a brain to complete a study.

He sees a sign indicating the nationality of each type of brain. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for an Americans brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for a Japaneese brain?"

"ten dollars an ounce."

"How much for a Frenchmen's brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is a Frenchmen's brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many French men we had to use to get one ounce of brain?"

A man goes to a store to buy groceries.

When he gets to the Butchery, he asks for three steaks.
The butcher asks if he'd like to play a game, after which the man replies that he would.
The butcher climbs a ladder up to the ceiling, easily 9 or 10 feet, and hangs them on hooks up there.
When he climbs down, the butcher says "If you can jump up and get all of your steaks in 3 tries, all of your groceries are free."
The man asks, "What's the catch?"
The butcher replies, "If you fail to get the steaks in three tries, you have to pay for your groceries and those of the man behind you in line."
After some consideration, the man replies "No."
The butcher asks, "Why not?"
The man simply replies "The stakes are too high."

A lawyer's dog

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.

The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded.

The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher receives a mail from the lawyer.

The contents read

"Pay Consultation fee: $25.00."

There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital...

...just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.

If you got a butcher who is 6'2, what does he weigh?

Meat.

What do you call the knight who is also a butcher?

Sir Loin

I've just taken my sausages back to the butchers...

There was only a tiny bit of pork in the middle, the left and right sides were just pure breadcrumbs.

The butcher apologised and said that he was suffering financially, business was tough and he was finding it increasingly difficult to make ends meat.

Justice

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?

The lawyer replied, Of course, how much was the roast?

$7.98. said the butcher.

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.

Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150

Why didn't the cow laugh at my joke?

He wasn't very amoosed because it was udderly lacking in humor, he had herd it before, it wasn't very mooving, it was cheesy and I milked the punchline a bit too much. Definitely wasn't moosic to his ears. He still gave me a pat on the back though, which put me in a better moood.

I was at a joke competition too, so the steaks were high, yet I still managed to butcher the joke. I knew I should have stuck to that cowculus competition instead, except everything goes in one ear and out the udder in my math classes.

Ok you should stop reading here, it's probably pasture bedtime.

Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into a meat grinder?

Apparently he got a little behind in his orders.

So a man walks into a butcher shop and eyes several of the finest steaks...

There are cuts of meat on shelves all throughout the store. The butcher likes how this man carries himself so he offers him a proposition. He says, "If you can grab the slab of meat on the shelf over there that you've been looking at since you got in here, you can have it for free. Otherwise you have to pay me $100."

The man thinks about this for a moment, seeing that the juicy appetizing steak is only a few shelves up, *maybe if I stretch I can grab it*...

But then he cracks and yells running out of the shop, "The stakes are too high!"

Why do butchers avoid buying cattle from Colorado?

Because the steaks are too high.

I told the butcher I'd give him $10 if he got the meat down off the top shelf.

He said he couldn't.... the steaks were too high.

Old Soviet man goes for Rations...

An old Soviet man goes to the butcher to stand in line for his daily ration of meat. Lamenting the long wait, he finally reaches the front of the line, only to be told they had run out. Infuriated, he turns to his comrade.

"How can we be expected to survive without food? This is bullshit!"

The other man turns to him and says "Careful friend, they used to shoot people for talking like that."

The Old Soviet trudges home to his wife to deliver the bad news. Standing in the doorway, she asks "Did they run out of meat again Ivan?"

He replies "No, worse. They ran out of bullets."

Butcher Shop

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?

Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

How did the butcher introduce his wife?

Meat Pattie

Two Pirate captains sat at a bar driniking, and they were both each others biggest fan.

"You are quite the Pirate. I know of ye and your men. The most fearsome thing on the sea" Complimented Bloodbeard.

"Well I know too well 'you - "Sea Butcher". One Handed Jack! You are the scourge of the seas! We are indebted to host your accompanyment!"

"Also known are ye for your grammar and acquiestment of English and many languages!"

"But still, you are twice the pirate that I, or any of my men am" said Bloodbeard.

A pirate listening nearby corrected him "Arrgh"

A man walks into a butchers's shop

and says to the butcher "Oi mate! Are you a gambling man?

The butcher says "Yes, I'm a gambling man".

So the guy says "Alrighty, I bet you £20 you can't touch that piece of meat hanging above your head!"

So the butcher looks up.

He looks down, and back at the man.

"I'm sorry" says the butcher, "I can't take that bet".

"Why not?" says the man, "I thought you were a gambling man?"

"I am" says the butcher, "but the steaks are too high".

New dad as of today, so here is my first dad joke.

What do you call it when you accidentally butcher your heifer instead of your steer? A Ms. Steak.

The butcher

A butcher gets his finger stuck in a slicer and cuts it off. He spends all day at the hospital getting the stump sewn up, then calls his wife.

"Honey, I'm in the hospital," he says. "I accidentally cut off my finger, but I'm OK."

"Oh, God!" she cries. "The whole finger?"

"No. The one next to it."

There is a clerk at the butcher shop. He is 5'10" and wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weight?

Meat.

A vegan told me I shouldn't eat animals because I can't kill or butcher them with my bare hands...

So I gave him a coconut and told him to have a nice day.

I bet the butcher £100 he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf

He said No chance the stakes are way too high

What does a butcher call a cow on a hill?

High Steaks

Three Men are Captured by Female Savages!

They are told their dicks would be removed in a manner appropriate to their jobs.

The first was a lumberjack, so his would be chopped off.

The second was a butcher, so his would be sliced off.

The third man started laughing. The females asked what was so funny, and he replied, "I work for Dyson!".

A man walks into a butcher shop...

... one day and while he is browsing the meat selection the butcher approaches him and says, "I have an offer for you. If you can jump up and slap one of these peices of meat I have hanging here, I'll give you what you want for free. However if you can't reach them then you have to pay triple the amount." The man takes a moment to think it through and replies to the butcher, "Sorry, but the steaks are too high."

A man goes into a butcher's shop

and says "I bet you 50 bucks you can't hand me the ribeye from the top shelf."

The butcher says: "I can't take that bet, the steaks are too high."

A woman goes to the butcher shop to buy some sausages

When she gets them, she notices that they're half pork and half cornmeal. Bringing this up to the butcher, she says, "it's cornmeal on the left and pork on the right!" He tells her "It's to cut costs, ma'am. In this economy, it's so hard to make all ends meat."

First date.

He: I work with animals every day!

Her: Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?

He: I am a butcher

A vegetarian was very angry with her son, who became a butcher.

She's got a lot of beef right now.

butcher

The butcher lived in an apartment over his shop. One night he was awakened by strange noises coming from below. He tiptoed downstairs and observer that his 19-year-old daughter was sitting on the chopping block and masturbating with liverwurst. He sighed and tiptoed back to bed.
The next morning, one if his customers came in and asked for some liverwurst. The butcher explained he didn't have any.
The lady was annoyed. She pointed and said, " No liverwurst, eh? Well, what's that hanging on the hook right overt there?"
The butcher frowned at her and replied " That, lady, is my son-in-law."

A woman walks into a butcher shop.

She says to the butcher, "I'd like that pig's head over there."

To which the butcher replies, "I'm sorry to tell you ma'am, but that's a mirror."

Why was the butcher worried?

Because his job was at steak.

I mean, yeah, I work with animals.

I'm a butcher.

Why didn't the butcher attempt to get the meat from the top shelf off of his rickety ladder?

The steaks were too high.

Black Betty walked into a butcher shop and asked for beef.

The butcher replied, "No Black Betty, Ham or Lamb?"

Everyone in our little town was shocked and horrified that the local butcher got busted for selling drugs.

I had seen Pete once a week like clockwork for over a decade, never even knew he was a butcher.

I was at the butchers the other day

And i thought while i'm there i'd have a gamble with the butcher. I bet him £10 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf, he said "nah mate, i'm not taking that bet, the steaks are too high."

The stakes

A man walks into a meat shop and asks if he can have a nice cut of prime steak. The butcher goes to the back of the shop but comes back empty handed. The man asks why he didn't bring back any meat, and the butcher replies "the meat was on the top shelf and I couldn't reach it... The stakes were just too high.

Guy walks into a butcher shop

A guy walks into a butcher shop and sees a butcher standing in front of a shelf with various meats.

The guy says "I betcha 20 bucks you can't reach the meat on the top shelf."

The butcher looks at the shelf and replies, "Nah, those steaks are too high."

Why did the butcher get fired?

He kept playing with his meat in front of the customers.

What a kid I got

I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

'creds: Rodney Dangerfield'

Turkey Joke

A woman stops into her local grocery store to purchase a turkey for her upcoming Thanksgiving dinner. She browses the selection of turkey, but does not see one that will feed the amount of guests she invited for Thanksgiving.

She walks over to the deli and asks to speak with the butcher. The butcher steps out, wiping his hands on his apron, and asks "How may I help you today?"

The woman replies, "I'm having a large gathering on Thanksgiving and I need to know if these turkeys get bigger".

Without missing a beat the butcher replies, "No, Miss. These turkeys are dead."

How does the butcher introduce his wife?

Meat Patty.

(This was told to me by an old man I cut off with my grocery cart at the grocery store).

Why a baker?

Why did the baker become a baker?

He just couldn't cut it as a butcher.

help me figure out this riddle!

a farmer has 2 sons. one is a "good boy" and the other is "a bump on a log". the farmer takes his cow into town and sells it to a butcher. then he goes to a watchmaker and buys a watch. WHO DOES HE GIVE THE WATCH TO?

this is some dutch riddle, so the "" are translated words

How to make Butcher jokes?

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