butcher Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious butcher puns

A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef.

The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"

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A man walks into a butchers...

The man says to the butcher "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher replies "Yes, you could say that." The man says "Okay then, I bet you $100 you can't reach that meat you've got hanging from the ceiling up there." The Butcher looks up and says "No sorry" The man says "I thought you said you were a gambling man, why not?" The butcher answers. "The steaks are too high."

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I bet my butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.

He said "No, the steaks are too high".

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So an African woman named Betty walked into a butcher and asked if they had beef.

The Butcher replied "No, Black Betty, ham or lamb."

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Old Soviet Joke

Little Boy: What will Communism be like when perfected?

His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.

Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?

His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."

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At a First Date Conversation

At a first date:

He: I work with animals every day!

She: Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?

He: I'm a butcher.

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A woman walks into a butcher shop

"How much for the pig's head?"

"Ma'am, that's a mirror"

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Gambler

A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."
The guy says "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."
"I am. But the steaks are too high."

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My butcher introduced me to his wife the other day...

He brought her out and said,

"meet patty"

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The butcher backed up...

The butcher backed up to the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

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My butcher is very rude

I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder

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Not quite what she was expecting...

Guy: I work with animals every day!

Girl: That's so sweet! Are you a vet or a pet shop own-

Guy: I'm a butcher.

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What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher?

One stays awake, the other weighs a steak

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I go to the butchers the other day,

and I say to the butcher, "Hi there, I'm looking for Dan. He told me he works for you."
The butcher says, "Not any more he doesn't. I fired him yesterday."
"You fired him? What for?"
"I caught him round back with his dick in the bacon slicer."
"He had his *dick* inside the bacon slicer?"
"Yeah. I fired her too, the dirty bitch."

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A black women named betty goes to a butcher shop.

Betty: Can I get a half pound of beef?

Butcher: No Black Betty, ham or lamb.

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My first date

Me: "I work with animals every day."

She: "Ohh, how sweet! What is it that you do?"

Me: "Im a butcher."

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Bacon slicer.

Man walks into a butchers and says what's happened to your apprentice butcher?

Had to sack him for putting his nob in the bacon slicer, replied the butcher.

Oh what have you done with the bacon slicer? Asks the man

I've sacked her too, said the butcher.

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David Cameron

Went to his local butcher. He asked the butcher for a steak. The butcher asked "what is your favourite cut?", David replied, "the public sector".

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A man went to a brain store to get a brain to complete a study.

He sees a sign indicating the nationality of each type of brain. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.

"How much does it cost for an Americans brain?"

"Three dollars an ounce."

"How much does it cost for a Japaneese brain?"

"ten dollars an ounce."

"How much for a Frenchmen's brain?"

"$1,000 an ounce."

"Why is a Frenchmen's brain so much more?"

"Do you know how many French men we had to use to get one ounce of brain?"

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What's the difference between a night watchman and a butcher?

One stays awake, the other weighs a steak.

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A man goes to a store to buy groceries.

When he gets to the Butchery, he asks for three steaks.
The butcher asks if he'd like to play a game, after which the man replies that he would.
The butcher climbs a ladder up to the ceiling, easily 9 or 10 feet, and hangs them on hooks up there.
When he climbs down, the butcher says "If you can jump up and get all of your steaks in 3 tries, all of your groceries are free."
The man asks, "What's the catch?"
The butcher replies, "If you fail to get the steaks in three tries, you have to pay for your groceries and those of the man behind you in line."
After some consideration, the man replies "No."
The butcher asks, "Why not?"
The man simply replies "The stakes are too high."

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A lawyer's dog

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.

The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded.

The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher receives a mail from the lawyer.

The contents read

"Pay Consultation fee: $25.00."

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There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital...

...just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.

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If you got a butcher who is 6'2, what does he weigh?

Meat.

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What do you call the knight who is also a butcher?

Sir Loin

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I've just taken my sausages back to the butchers...

There was only a tiny bit of pork in the middle, the left and right sides were just pure breadcrumbs.

The butcher apologised and said that he was suffering financially, business was tough and he was finding it increasingly difficult to make ends meat.

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A man every day after work comes home kisses his wife...

... he grabs the news paper and goes in the bathroom. He's in there for 2-3 hours, and she tells him, "If you're not careful you might poop your guts out! After a while, she is starting to get sick of it so one day while he's at work, she goes to the butcher and buys a bucket of chicken guts. When she gets home, she puts them in the toilet and waits for her husband. He comes home, goes in the bathroom, and he's in there for 2 hours, then 4 hours, and finally 6 hours go by and his wife is getting worried. He comes out pale white and she asks him, "What's wrong honey?" and he replied, "Honey, today I think I pooped my guts out... But don't worry because by the grace of God and these two fingers I got it all back in!"

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Justice

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?

The lawyer replied, Of course, how much was the roast?

$7.98. said the butcher.

A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98.

Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150

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Can't teach an old dog new tricks.

A dog walks into a Butcher's shop. It trots up to the counter and starts muzzling at the steak, then stands on its hind legs.

The butcher sees a note attached to it's neck with " one sirloin rare, please" written on it.

Bemused, the butcher hands it over and the dog rifles around in a bag on it's back.

The dog grabs a wad of cash in it's mouth and lays it on the counter, then walks out.

The butcher follows the dog out of the shop and on to the street. He watches as the dog hails a cab, gets in, and is whisked away.

Curiosity is too much for him so he hails a cab and follows the taxi the dog has taken.

The dog exits its cab, rummages in its bag for some money for the driver, and wanders down the road.

The butcher is now entranced by this amazing canine. He follows it down the road untill it stops at a house.

The dog then starts headbutting the front door.

No answer.

It headbutts a little harder.

No answer.

Finally a man opens the door. He looks down at the waiting dog and kicks it hard in the ribs.

The butcher shouts out:

" You fucking bastard! How can you do that to such an amazing, intelligent animal!"

The man replys:

" Intelligent!? Stupid fucker forgot its front door key again!"

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Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into a meat grinder?

Apparently he got a little behind in his orders.

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So a man walks into a butcher shop and eyes several of the finest steaks...

There are cuts of meat on shelves all throughout the store. The butcher likes how this man carries himself so he offers him a proposition. He says, "If you can grab the slab of meat on the shelf over there that you've been looking at since you got in here, you can have it for free. Otherwise you have to pay me $100."

The man thinks about this for a moment, seeing that the juicy appetizing steak is only a few shelves up, *maybe if I stretch I can grab it*...

But then he cracks and yells running out of the shop, "The stakes are too high!"

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Why do butchers avoid buying cattle from Colorado?

Because the steaks are too high.

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I told the butcher I'd give him $10 if he got the meat down off the top shelf.

He said he couldn't.... the steaks were too high.

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Old Soviet man goes for Rations...

An old Soviet man goes to the butcher to stand in line for his daily ration of meat. Lamenting the long wait, he finally reaches the front of the line, only to be told they had run out. Infuriated, he turns to his comrade.

"How can we be expected to survive without food? This is bullshit!"

The other man turns to him and says "Careful friend, they used to shoot people for talking like that."

The Old Soviet trudges home to his wife to deliver the bad news. Standing in the doorway, she asks "Did they run out of meat again Ivan?"

He replies "No, worse. They ran out of bullets."

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A reverend's wife walks into a butcher shop.

She knows that her husband will be entertaining some pretty important members of their congregation for dinner, and she wants only the finest food. She asks the butcher what he would personally recommend, to which he replies "Well ma'am, I would have some Dam Ham." The reverend's wife, a simple lady, is outraged. "I am a good Christian woman," she says "and I refuse to be sworn at!" Obviously misunderstand, the butcher quickly explains himself, saying "No, ma'am, you don't understand. That's the brand name! Dam Ham. Finest around." The wife chuckles, apologizes for her reaction and brings it home.
Her husband comes home from work and asks what will be for dinner. She of course tells him that they will be having Dam Ham, much to his outrage. Barely able to contain himself, he yells "We're having guests tonight and you use THAT language?". The mistake being a familiar one, she quickly laughs and explains "No, Honey, that's the brand! Dam Ham!" Seeing his error, they have a good guffaw.
Soon, the guests arrive. The reverend, his wife and son are seated at one side, with their parishioners on the other. After grace, the reverend looks to his wife and courteously asks "Dear, can you pass the Dam Ham?"
Their son, thrilled, immediately jumps to his feet. "Now you've got it pop! Hey, bitch, pass the fucking potatoes!"

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What are the most funny Butcher jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Butcher? Well, here are the best Butcher dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Butcher pick up lines to share with friends.

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