Butcher Jokes

128 butcher jokes and hilarious butcher puns to laugh out loud. Read professions jokes about butcher that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Humorous jokes about butchers, pork, and meat abound! Learn all about butcher shop culture and Pat Butcher, an Irish butcher with a penchant for massacre. Whether it's a bad butcher joke or a joke about pork, there's something for everyone!

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Funniest Butcher Short Jokes

Short butcher jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The butcher humour may include short fishmonger jokes also.

  1. A dark skinned lady named Betty goes to the butcher and asks for some beef. The butcher replies: "Nooooo Black Betty, ham or lamb!"
  2. I bet my butcher $1,000 that he couldn't reach the beef on the top shelf without a ladder. He said the steaks were too high.
  3. Woman goes to the butchers, "I'd like an oxtail please." "Certainly" replies the butcher. "Once upon a time, there was an ox........."
  4. I bet my butcher $50 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said "No, the steaks are too high".
  5. So an African woman named Betty walked into a butcher and asked if they had beef. The Butcher replied "No, Black Betty, ham or lamb."
  6. At a First Date Conversation At a first date:
    He: I work with animals every day!
    She: Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?
    He: I'm a butcher.
  7. A woman walks into a butcher shop "How much for the pig's head?"
    "Ma'am, that's a mirror"
  8. I once dated a girl She told me she loved all animals. When I told her I worked with animals, she asked me if I was a veterinarian.
    I told her, "No, I am a butcher"
  9. My butcher introduced me to his wife the other day... He brought her out and said,
    "meet patty"
  10. The butcher backed up... The butcher backed up to the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

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Butcher One Liners

Which butcher one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with butcher? I can suggest the ones about barber and blacksmith.

  1. My butcher is very rude I asked him for a cut of pork and he gave me the cold shoulder
  2. I had a butcher come into my shop and introduce me to his wife... He said, "Meet Patty".
  3. If you got a butcher who is 6'2, what does he weigh? Meat.
  4. "Doctor I think I need glasses!" "You certainly do Sir, this is the butchers."
  5. I just failed my butcher's exam. Mis-steaks were made.
  6. Why do butchers avoid buying cattle from Colorado? Because the steaks are too high.
  7. A group of midgets were planning to rob a butcher's... But the steaks were just too high.
  8. How did the butcher introduce his wife? Meat Pattie
  9. The butcher's wife always messes up everyone's order. We call her Miss Steak.
  10. The dwarf wanted to quit his job and become a butcher... ...but the steaks were too high
  11. A butcher slicing bacon backed up into his machine. He got a little behind in his orders.
  12. My dad says I did a good job slicing the steak To be honest I think I butchered it
  13. What does a butcher call a cow on a hill? High Steaks
  14. My local butcher's has started accepting crypto as payment. But only proof of steak.
  15. I bought minced meat but forgot to pay the butcher He now has a beef with me

Butcher Shop Jokes

Here is a list of funny butcher shop jokes and even better butcher shop puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I took a massive gamble and just sunk all my life savings into a Butcher shop on a blimp. The steaks have never been higher!
  • Not quite what she was expecting... Guy: I work with animals every day!
    Girl: That's so sweet! Are you a vet or a pet shop own-
    Guy: I'm a butcher.
  • A black women named betty goes to a butcher shop. Betty: Can I get a half pound of beef?
    Butcher: No Black Betty, ham or lamb.
  • Paul's height is six feet, he is an assistant at a butcher shop and wears size 9 shoes. What does he weigh? Meat.
  • There is a clerk at the butcher shop. He is 5'10" and wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weight? Meat.
  • A man goes into a butcher's shop and says "I bet you 50 bucks you can't hand me the ribeye from the top shelf."
    The butcher says: "I can't take that bet, the steaks are too high."
  • Black Betty walked into a butcher shop and asked for beef. The butcher replied, "No Black Betty, Ham or Lamb?"
  • A woman walks into a butcher shop. She says to the butcher, "I'd like that pig's head over there."
    To which the butcher replies, "I'm sorry to tell you ma'am, but that's a mirror."
  • Why did the mountain top butcher shop go out of business? The steaks were to high.
  • I fancy having a bit of Rabbit for my dinner tonight. Could anyone tell me if it's cheaper from a Butchers or a pet shop.?

Bad Butcher Jokes

Here is a list of funny bad butcher jokes and even better bad butcher puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • The butcher shouldn't put the names of the cows on the packaging. I feel really bad eating good old Chuck.
  • What do you get when you cross a slaughterhouse worker and a bad comedian? A bunch of butchered jokes
  • What did the butcher say to the bad meat? "You were a misteak."
Butcher joke, What did the butcher say to the bad meat?

Butcher joke, What did the butcher say to the bad meat?

Comical Butcher Jokes and Gems that Will Get You in Laughter Land

What funny jokes about butcher you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean grocer jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make butcher pranks.


A guy walks into a butcher's shop and says "Sir, are you a gambling man?"
The butcher says "Why yes, as a matter of fact I am."
"Then I'll bet you $25 you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging over your head right there."
The butcher thinks for a moment and says "I'm sorry, I won't take that bet."
The guy says "But I thought you said you were a gambling man."
"I am. But the steaks are too high."

Did you hear about the butcher who backed up into a meat grinder?

Apparently he got a little behind in his orders.

The stakes

A man walks into a meat shop and asks if he can have a nice cut of prime steak. The butcher goes to the back of the shop but comes back empty handed. The man asks why he didn't bring back any meat, and the butcher replies "the meat was on the top shelf and I couldn't reach it... The stakes were just too high.

What did Batman say when he went to the butcher?

Got Ham?

There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital...

...just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.

A butcher is found dead, crushed under a side of beef.

I guess for that butcher, the steaks were just too high.

I brought my vegetarian girlfriend home for dinner...

...and my grandmother served us all, including my girlfriend, a very juicy, very much still hanging on the bone, rack of lamb. My girlfriend was looking at me in horror, whilst I took my gran aside.
"Didn't I tell you she was a vegetarian?" I asked.
She replied "oh yes dear, I checked with the butcher and he said the sheep he sells only eat grass!"

Why was the butcher worried?

Because his job was at steak.

So an Englishmen walks into a Welshmen's butcher shop...

And says "I would like a goats head please." And the Welshmen says "alright, one goats head." And then the Englishmen says "no I don't want a Welshmen's goat, I want an English goat." And the Welshmen says "oh you want an English goat alright, I will take the brains out."

A man walks into a butchers...

The man says to the butcher "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher replies "Yes, you could say that." The man says "Okay then, I bet you $100 you can't reach that meat you've got hanging from the ceiling up there." The Butcher looks up and says "No sorry" The man says "I thought you said you were a gambling man, why not?" The butcher answers. "The steaks are too high."

Guy walks into a butcher shop

A guy walks into a butcher shop and sees a butcher standing in front of a shelf with various meats.
The guy says "I betcha 20 bucks you can't reach the meat on the top shelf."
The butcher looks at the shelf and replies, "Nah, those steaks are too high."

help me figure out this riddle!

a farmer has 2 sons. one is a "good boy" and the other is "a bump on a log". the farmer takes his cow into town and sells it to a butcher. then he goes to a watchmaker and buys a watch. WHO DOES HE GIVE THE WATCH TO?
this is some dutch riddle, so the "" are translated words

A man goes to a store to buy groceries.

When he gets to the Butchery, he asks for three steaks.
The butcher asks if he'd like to play a game, after which the man replies that he would.
The butcher climbs a ladder up to the ceiling, easily 9 or 10 feet, and hangs them on hooks up there.
When he climbs down, the butcher says "If you can jump up and get all of your steaks in 3 tries, all of your groceries are free."
The man asks, "What's the catch?"
The butcher replies, "If you fail to get the steaks in three tries, you have to pay for your groceries and those of the man behind you in line."
After some consideration, the man replies "No."
The butcher asks, "Why not?"
The man simply replies "The stakes are too high."

Old Soviet Joke

Little Boy: What will Communism be like when perfected?
His Father: Everyone will have what he needs.
Little Boy: But what if there is a shortage of meat?
His Father: There will be a sign in the butcher shop saying, "No one needs meat today."

Three Men are Captured by Female Savages!

They are told their d**... would be removed in a manner appropriate to their jobs.
The first was a lumberjack, so his would be chopped off.
The second was a butcher, so his would be sliced off.
The third man started laughing. The females asked what was so funny, and he replied, "I work for Dyson!".

David Cameron

Went to his local butcher. He asked the butcher for a steak. The butcher asked "what is your favourite cut?", David replied, "the public sector".

I've just taken my sausages back to the butchers...

There was only a tiny bit of pork in the middle, the left and right sides were just pure breadcrumbs.
The butcher apologised and said that he was suffering financially, business was tough and he was finding it increasingly difficult to make ends meat.

Why a baker?

Why did the baker become a baker?
He just couldn't cut it as a butcher.

A lawyer's dog

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.
The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher receives a mail from the lawyer.
The contents read
"Pay Consultation fee: $25.00."

Ever wonder where people got their surnames from?

Mr. Baker was probably a baker.
Mr. Butcher might have been a butcher.
...then there's Mr. Dickinson.

I was at the butchers the other day

And i thought while i'm there i'd have a gamble with the butcher. I bet him £10 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf, he said "nah mate, i'm not taking that bet, the steaks are too high."

How does the butcher introduce his wife?

Meat Patty.
(This was told to me by an old man I cut off with my grocery cart at the grocery store).

A man walks into a butcher shop...

... one day and while he is browsing the meat selection the butcher approaches him and says, "I have an offer for you. If you can jump up and slap one of these peices of meat I have hanging here, I'll give you what you want for free. However if you can't reach them then you have to pay triple the amount." The man takes a moment to think it through and replies to the butcher, "Sorry, but the steaks are too high."

What a kid I got

I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

New dad as of today, so here is my first dad joke.

What do you call it when you accidentally butcher your heifer instead of your steer? A Ms. Steak.

My friends are named after what they do...

My friend Butch is a butcher, my friend Taylor is a tailor, and my black friend's name is Rob

I told the butcher I'd give him $10 if he got the meat down off the top shelf.

He said he couldn't.... the steaks were too high.

A woman goes to the butcher shop to buy some sausages

When she gets them, she notices that they're half pork and half cornmeal. Bringing this up to the butcher, she says, "it's cornmeal on the left and pork on the right!" He tells her "It's to cut costs, ma'am. In this economy, it's so hard to make all ends meat."

A woman goes in to a butchers shop

Lady: Is that a pigs head in your window?
Butcher: No madam, it's a mirror.

A vegetarian was very angry with her son, who became a butcher.

She's got a lot of beef right now.

What did the butcher do after he forgave the thief?

He let him off the hook.

Why did the butcher get fired?

He kept playing with his meat in front of the customers.

What do you call the knight who is also a butcher?

Sir l**...

A man walks into a butchers's shop

and says to the butcher "Oi mate! Are you a gambling man?
The butcher says "Yes, I'm a gambling man".
So the guy says "Alrighty, I bet you £20 you can't touch that piece of meat hanging above your head!"
So the butcher looks up.
He looks down, and back at the man.
"I'm sorry" says the butcher, "I can't take that bet".
"Why not?" says the man, "I thought you were a gambling man?"
"I am" says the butcher, "but the steaks are too high".

A man went to a brain store to get a brain to complete a study.

He sees a sign indicating the nationality of each type of brain. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for an Americans brain?"
"Three dollars an ounce."
"How much does it cost for a Japaneese brain?"
"ten dollars an ounce."
"How much for a Frenchmen's brain?"
"$1,000 an ounce."
"Why is a Frenchmen's brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many French men we had to use to get one ounce of brain?"

A Butcher is Selling Meat and Has One Chicken Left

A butcher is selling meat at his shop and is down to his last chicken.
A woman comes into the store and approaches the butcher. She asks the butcher for a chicken.
The butcher goes into the freezer and pulls out his only remaining chicken. He returns and puts it on the counter.
The woman takes a look at the chicken and asks the butcher if he has any larger chicken.
The butcher takes the chicken and puts it back in the freezer. He waits a minute, pulls the same chicken back out of the freezer, and returns. He puts it in front of the woman and says this is a bigger chicken.
Great! Says the woman, I'll take them both!

What's the difference between a security guard and a butcher?

One stays awake, the other weighs a steak

I mean, yeah, I work with animals.

I'm a butcher.

Why didn't the butcher attempt to get the meat from the top shelf off of his rickety ladder?

The steaks were too high.

Everyone in our little town was shocked and horrified that the local butcher got busted for selling drugs.

I had seen Pete once a week like clockwork for over a decade, never even knew he was a butcher.

First date.

He: I work with animals every day!
Her: Oh how sweet! What is it that you do?
He: I am a butcher

Boulangerie is a french bakery. Boucherie is a french butcher shop. What's a french ice cream shop?


A vegan told me I shouldn't eat animals because I can't kill or butcher them with my bare hands...

So I gave him a coconut and told him to have a nice day.

I bet the butcher £100 he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf

He said No chance the stakes are way too high

The butcher

A butcher gets his finger stuck in a slicer and cuts it off. He spends all day at the hospital getting the stump sewn up, then calls his wife.
"Honey, I'm in the hospital," he says. "I accidentally cut off my finger, but I'm OK."
"Oh, God!" she cries. "The whole finger?"
"No. The one next to it."

A woman walks into a butcher shop...

"Excuse me," she says. "But I bought these sausages here yesterday and, well, the middle is fine, but both ends are made of sawdust."
The butcher shrugs. "Sometimes it's hard to make ends meat."
The very next day, the butcher is feeling overwhelmed. He accidentally backs into his meat grinder.
He got a little behind in his work.

What did the butcher say to do incase there was a fire?

Grab your meat and beat it

Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

A butcher is 5 ft 3 inches tall, what does he weigh?


My butcher once gave me beef from a female cow.

I said, "I believe this is a Miss Steak".

I was gonna start a butcher shop

But I hear it's a pretty cut t**... business

Have you heard of a French ABBA cover band with just 3 members?

They're not any good, completely butcher the songs.
They're called abba t**...

A woman was sick and tired of hearing her husband f**... all night long and repeatedly told him that he'd s**... his guts out one day.

He kept doing it, so she bought an entire sack of pigs intestines from the butcher and put them in the man's underwear when he was asleep. When she awoke the next morning, he said, "You were right honey, I DID s**... my guts out! But with the grace of God and these two fingers, I was able to push them back in!"

I love working with animals he says to his date.

She replies, wow I love a guy who is an animal lover! Where do you work?
He replies, i am a butcher.

A lady goes grocery shopping.

So, a lady goes to the grocery store to buy a few things, and she approaches the meat section on the store. She says to the butcher "how much for that pig's head??" To this the butcher replies "ma'am, that's a mirror."

What happened to the butcher who backed into the meat grinder?

He got a little behind in his work.

A German butcher and a Polish butcher started a competition... see who could make the longest continuous chain of sausage links in one hour.
It was a tight competitions; both men take pride in their craft and in their sausage-slinging heritage. The two were neck-in-neck up until the 59th minute, wherein the Polish butcher had a slip of the hand and split his last sausage asunder. When the scraps finally settled, the Polish butcher had managed 120 links and the German managed 121.
Naturally, the German butcher won, because he went a frank further.

There was once a butcher who accidentally backed into a meat grinder

As a result, he got a little behind in his work

Butcher joke, There was once a butcher who accidentally backed into a meat grinder

jokes about butcher