The Best 66 Businessman Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Businessman jokes. There are some businessman shopkeeper jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these businessman hellos puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Businessman Jokes and Puns

A little help with your math

A businessman is getting a 17% discount on an order worth $20,000.00, but can't figure out the total in his head. He asks his secretary, "Betty, if I were to give you twenty thousand dollars with a 17% discount, how much would you take off?" She thinks for a minute, then says, "Everything except my earrings."

An American businessman was in Japan...

He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."

A businessman is at the office.

He was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off? " he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings. "

Businessman joke, A businessman is at the office.

What did the businessman wear to the thai restaurant?

A plaid tie.

Why was Noah a great businessman?

He floated his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.


Did you hear about the man who went on a business trip?

A few months after he got home he got a call from a woman he had spent some time with while he was out of town. "Remember me from a while back? We had a few drinks and I was a good sport; we had a good time." He said, "Of course how could I forget about you Janet?" She told him, "Well, I just found out I'm pregnant... and I'm going to kill myself." The businessman chuckled and said, "WOW, you are a good sport!"

There was a Jewish businessman

There was a Jewish businessman who was almost late at an important business meeting where punctuality was highly priced. But there were no empty parking spots around and the time was running. He looked to the sky and prayed: "Dear God, give me a parking spot now and I will donate 100 thousand to the synagogue!" Suddenly, a car left exactly in front of him. Relieved, the guy looked again at the sky and said: "It's okay, forget it, I got one."

Businessman joke, There was a Jewish businessman

A Japanese businessman hails a taxi...

As they go along the highway, a car zooms past by.

"Oooh," exclaims the businessman, "that's a Toyota. Made in Japan, very fast!"

Moments later, another car speeds ahead.

"Ahhhhh," exclaims the businessman again, "a Nissan! Made in Japan too, also very fast!"

Then once more, another car rushes ahead.

"Oooooh," exclaims the businessman, "a Mitsubishi! Made in Japan and very fast again!"

Then they reach their destination.

"Why bill so big?!" complained the Japanese.
"Meter's made in Japan," replied the driver. "Very fast!"

Over smart.

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?"

"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

What'd you call a German businessman?

An enterpreNeuer.

Mr. Steve Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana.

He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer. Unfortunately, he mistyped a letter, and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted.When she was finally revived, she nervously pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here."

You can explore businessman multimillionaire reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean businessman business dad jokes. There are also businessman puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


An American businessman goes to Japan (NSFW)

An American businessman goes to Japan to meet with a client so the night before, he hires a prostitute. While they're having sex, she keeps moaning "machigatta ana." The man is confident about himself and goes to meet with his client the next day at a golf course. While there, the client makes a hole-in-one and the businessman congratulates the client by saying "machigatta ana" to which the Japanese client says "what do you mean 'wrong hole?'"

Why was Noah the best businessman?

He floated his stock while the rest of the world was in liquidation.

The greatest journalist? Samson. He took two columns and made an impression on everyone.

A worried flyer asks a statistician...

"What are my chances of getting on a plane that has a bomb on it?" to which the statistician replies, "very, very low". But I fly a lot, said the businessman. Then, said the statistician, Take your own bomb with you. The odds against being on a plane with two bombs on it are 50 billion to one.

Mohammad is a great name for a businessman

It's all about the prophet.

Recently, I was watching the Republican debate, and they were debating abortion.

Donald Trump was talking about how opposed to it he was, but I thought to myself, come on Don, you're a businessman. I bet you wouldn't be this upset if you could charge them an early termination fee.

Businessman joke, Recently, I was watching the Republican debate, and they were debating abortion.

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn

A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland.

When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.

The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?"

He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do.

Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."

So they went to see the rabbi.

The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people?

The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do.

Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven.

The Voice said, "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel...

A man passes away...

A man passes away and his funeral is set to be held in his hometown where one of his sons lives. The other, a wealthy businessman, unfortunately can't make it to the ceremony so instead he offers to pay for the entire thing. A few months later, the businessman is looking over his finances and notices a recurring bill of $120 a month. Confused, he called up his brother and asks him if he knows anything about it.

"Oh yeah" the brother replies. "Dad always wanted to go out in style so we rented him a tuxedo"

A English businessman was rushing through an airport when

A English businessman was rushing through an airport when all of a sudden, he bumps into a tiny Asian women.

She immediately says, "I'm sorry!"

In a hurry, the businessman says, "I'm sorry too."

She responds with, "I'm sorry three!"

Confused, the businessman stops and says, "What are you sorry for?"

She yells, "I'm sorry five!!!"


My wife Mei said to me, "You just rike Trump."

"Confident? An alpha male?" I said.
She shook her head.
"Real-estate savvy? A canny businessman?"
She looked at the floor and sighed.
"Proud father of - "
"No Steve!" She said, slamming the knife down on the counter. "Both roose erection!"

Why did the businessman buy a rusty coin?

He wanted to flip it.

Trump is such a good businessman that he literally wrote the book on business! Everyone should read it!

Its too bad that it only goes up to chapter 11 though...

Why did the European businessman sleep on the streets?

To avoid a hostel takeover.

Now I'm not saying I'm a good businessman

But I spent $534 million less than Hillary Clinton to not become President.

A businessman wakes up from a coma

"What happened?" The businessman asks the nurse who was in his room.

"Sir, you have been in a coma ever since the September 1, 1939. Your whole family has been dead for many years, your company has filed for bankruptcy and now you have no money left in the bank"

"Ah, that's okay as long as I can still see my favorite 6 million jews!"

What movie describes the tale of a German businessman who rescues Jews with an unseaworthy boat?

Schindler's Listing.

What did the uncircumcised businessman say before he went to the bathroom?

"We're going to be having some rollbacks"

If 157 awards makes you an overrated actress, what does 6 bankruptcies make a businessman?

President of the United States

Sex Statistics on a Plane.

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be
seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They
exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies,
"This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics.
It identifies that American Indians have the longest
average penises and Polish men have the biggest average
diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?"
He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

A rapist, a businessman and a Russian spy walk into a bar

The bartender says: "what may I get for you Mr. President?

LPT: To prevent a snake from biting, grasp their tail firmly and shake vigorously

Since snakes don't have hands, the snake will think that you are a businessman and that he is a business snake, and you are about to make a handshake deal.

James Bond gets called into M's office

M: I have a job for you. You will have to disguise yourself as a blond businessman called John Smith.

Bond: But I have dark hair! Do you expect me to wear a wig or something?!

M: No mister Bond, I expect you to dye.

Two retired business men sitting on a beach.

Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.

John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.

Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"

A Chinese businessman is entertaining his guest from England

Each time the Chinese lifts the glass, the says to his English associate: Kan Pei! 干杯 (Cheers)

The Englishman is stunned, but he continues eating.

It keeps recurring, each time the Chinese wants to drink, he exclaims: Kan Pei!

Finally, the English puts down his cutlery and says aloud to his Chinese associate: It's alright if you CAN'T PAY! I will! Now, shut up and eat!!

What did the businessman say when he woke up in a hotel room Monday morning next to two prostitutes?

Hi ho. Hi ho. It's off to work I go.

Why was God such a savvy businessman?

He knew how to make prophets.

A businessman, a worker, and a mexican are sitting around a table with 3 cookies on it

The businessman takes 2 and says to the worker, "Watch out, that mexican is gonna steal your cookie."

On the plane

A businessman travels on the plane, first class. He tries to start a conversation with beautiful stewardess:

-What's your name?

-Angela Benz, sir.

-That is a beautiful name! Is there any connection with Mercedes Benz?

-Yes, sir. A very close one.

-How close?

-Same price.

What's the difference between a businessman on a tricycle and a homeless man on a bicycle?

Attire.

An elderly patient needs a heart transplant and discusses his options with his doctor.

The doctor says, 'We have three possible donors.

One is a young, healthy athlete.

The second is a middleaged businessman who never drank or smoked, and the third is an attorney who just died after practising law for 30 years.'

'I'll take the lawyer's heart,' says the patient.

'Why?' asks the doctor.

The patient replies, 'It's never been used.'

A English businessman was rushing through an airport when

A English businessman was rushing through an airport when all of a sudden, he bumps into a tiny Asian women.

She immediately says, "I'm sorry!" in a Chinese-english accent.

In a hurry, the businessman says, "I'm sorry too."

She responds with, "I'm sorry three!" in broken english.

Confused, the businessman stops and says, "What are you sorry for?"

She yells, "I'm sorry five!!!"

A businessman boarded a plane...

to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning, diamond ring he had ever seen.

He asked her about it. "This is the Klopman diamond," she said. "It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."

"What's the curse?" the man asked.

"Mr Klopman."

A bad businessman, an idiot, and a sexual harasser walk into a bar.

What'll it be, Mr. President?

A rich Jewish businessman got kidnapped...

The kidnappers told him to make a call to his family. He called and told them to not make any dinner for him tonight, so the food doesn't go to waste.

A Russian spy, a sexual predator, and a businessman walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What can I get you, Mr. Trump?"

I much prefer Kim Jong Un to Donald Trump

One of them was a businessman for most of his life, while the other has been a politician for his whole Korea!

What is the difference between a businessman and a dog?

The businessman wears a suit, the dog just pants

One day, these parents wanted to find out what their Son was going to be when he grew up,

So they put a $100 bill, a bible and a whiskey bottle on a table.
If he picked up the $100 bill, it means that he was going to be a businessman, if he picked up the whiskey bottle, it means that he was going to be in the entertainment industry, and if he picked up the bible, it means that he was going to be a pastor.
The child came in and picked up the bible, his Mother smiled.
Then he picked up the whiskey bottle and took a swig of it then proceeded to pocket the $100 bill and left.
Well I'll be damned the father said
He's going to become a politician.

Trump's Orange Glow

**Trump is a forward-thinking businessman.**

He denies global warming so in the future he can maintain his signature orange glow without incurring the cost to run his tanning bed.

Show Off - A young businessman has just set up his own company.

A young businessman has just set up his own company. He rents an office downtown and buys some trendy furniture for it. Sitting behind his new desk, he suddenly sees a potential client come into the outer office. Wanting to appear busy, he picks up the phone and pretends that he's calling an important client. Offer them no more than $3 million! he shouts

down the phone. And tell them that if it isn't finished by next week, they won't get a penny! After hanging up , the man says to the visitor, "Hello? Can I help you?" And the visitor replies, Yes, I'm from the phone company. I've come to connect your phone line.

Who's the better businessman: Superman or Batman?

It's Superman of course, or have you ever heard about a batmarket?

Heavy carry-on

A businessman was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized travel bag onto the plane. Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to stuff it in the overhead bin.
Do you always carry such heavy luggage? she sighed.
No more, the man said. Next time, I'm riding in the bag, and my partner can buy the ticket!

IRS summons [NSFW]

A businessman comes home, turns to the wife and says:

Honey, I received a subpoena from the IRS regarding the late submission statement!

Do you think I should go in jeans or in business suit?

Well, dear... I tell you the same thing my mother said to me when I asked her if on the night of our wedding, I should
use a lace underwear or a silk underwear!

And what did your mother tell you?

Whatever. He's going to f... you anyway!

My uncle is such a great businessman that he made $6 million in profits this year

He works in a non-profit organization

A businessman went into the office and found an inexperienced handyman painting the walls.

The handyman was wearing two heavy parkas on a hot summer day.

Thinking this was a little strange, the businessman asked the handyman why he was wearing the parkas on such a hot day.

The handyman showed him the instructions on the can of paint. They read: For best results, put on two coats.

A Scientist, Inventor, and Engineer

A Scientist, Inventor, and Engineer are tasked with solving a major world problem. The Scientist does the research and makes a discovery that the Inventor then uses to invent the thing that will solve the problem. The engineer refines the invention until it is ready for operation. Their solution is a huge success and very profitable. Who makes all the money?

The businessman.

Businessman: How much will it cost to buy a large singing group? I need one for a party.

Lady: Do you mean a choir?

Businessman: Okay, fine. How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group?

A Nigerian businessman emailed me to invest in his mining business

I have the body of an athlete

and a dentist, a mcdonalds cashier, a businessman

yeah my basement is a bit crowded

What do you call a fat businessman?

An entree-preneur





\*I randomly thought of this just now, ik it's a simple and corny joke

An old Businessman and his young Model ex-wife

were fighting over the custody of their 3-year-old son.
The young mother protested that since she brought the kid into this world,
she had a natural right to the custody of him.
The judge asked the businessman to explain his side of the case.
After a long moment of silence, the old businessman rose from his chair and said,
"Judge, when I put money into a Vending Machine and a Snickers Bar comes out,
does it belong to me or the machine?"

A struggling businessman named John approaches Yoda seeking financial advice

John asks Yoda How is it that I am not rich? I work 80 hours a week, I kiss up to my bosses, I avoid my family, I stay away from romantic relationships, I never go out with friends, and yet still, I am not wealthy. Everybody told me that under capitalism, if I worked hard enough, I too could be rich and powerful.

Yoda took a second to think. He then replied Ahhh yes. Cap, it all is..mm?

What do you call a Belgian businessman?

An Antwerp-eneur!

There's a crippled old beggar on a sidewalk in El Paso with a sign and a paper cup..

A businessman stops, reads the sign that says 'Disabled Vet' and decides to give him a few dollars.

"Look on the bright side," he says. "Things could be worse- you could be blind!"

"I know what you mean.." says the beggar, "When I was blind, people only gave me pesos!"

Math

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.

"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.

The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

Did you hear about the nonprofit businessman who raised chickens?

He was just interested in re-cooping his costs.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the businessman handyman jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working businessman billionaire piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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