Business Jokes
138 business jokes and hilarious business puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about business that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Make your business meetings more fun with this collection of hilarious business jokes and puns meant to add humor to your business conversations. This article includes a variety of jokes and puns appropriate for corporations, small businesses, business owners, and business professionals. Improve connections and networking opportunities with wit, humor, and these entertaining business jokes.
Quick Jump To
- Short Business Jokes
- Business One Liners
- Starting A Business Jokes
- Business Woman Jokes
- Minding Your Business Jokes
- Business Meeting Jokes
- Business Analyst Jokes
- More Business Jokes
Funniest Business Short Jokes
Short business jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The business humour may include short enterprise jokes also.
- So 2 tree got arrested in the town I live... Heard they've been doing some shady business.
- I made this joke up when I was eight. I'm very proud of it. What's in the wardrobe?
Narnia business. - My friend just gave me a presentation on why I should invest in his sword making business. He made some excellent points.
- Chocolate is bad Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
Guy: My grandfather lived 108 years.
Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
Guy: No, minding his own business. - Two blondes meet at a busy chicken market A: If I can guess how many chickens you have in that bag, can I have one?
B: You can have both
A: Three - My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items It's a small scale operation
- I've started a business crafting small figurines of Jesus. I'm only making a little prophet.
- I'm sick of my wife blowing everything out of proportion. She's single handedly ruining my balloon animal business.
- A man runs into a doctors office screaming: "You've gotta help me doc! I'm shrinking!" The doctor says: "I'm sorry sir I'm very busy today. You'll have to be a little patient."
- An unemployed engineer opens a clinic... He soon goes out of business, since the field is over saturated due to all the unemployed engineers opening clinics recently.
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Business One Liners
Which business one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with business? I can suggest the ones about commercial and company.
- I quit my job to start a cloning business and it's been great, I love being my own boss.
- Dad: What's a lion and a witch doing in your wardrobe Me: it's Narnia Business....
- Do you know how to make $20B in the Tech business? Start with $44B
- My ex-gf invited me to her wedding Told her I was busy, will be there next time
- I started a boat business in the attic. The sails are going through the roof
- If atheism was a business, what kind of business would it be? A Non-Prophet organization.
- What does the sign of an out of business brothel say? Beat it. We're closed.
- What do you call bread from India? It's Naan of your business.
- I bought 75% of shares in a vampire hunting business. I'm the main stakeholder.
- The three unwritten rules of business: 1.
2.
3. - What do you call an atheist business? A non-prophet organization.
- What did the Arts Major say to the Business Major? "Can I take your order?"
- My dad's bread factory burnt down Now his business is toast
- A guy asked me what I was doing in the wardrobe. I told him, 'Narnia Business'.
- I just opened an express clothing alteration business. It's called Tailor Swift.
Starting A Business Jokes
Here is a list of funny starting a business jokes and even better starting a business puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I've started a business selling prayer mats which are also trampolines... Prophets are going through the roof.
- I've just started a new business selling trampolines in Prague Getting a lot of orders, but the Czechs keep bouncing.
- I'm starting a business.... I'm gonna do math tutoring, but solely for midgets. I'm calling it Making The Little Things Count.
- I'm starting a new business tomorrow. It will be a gym for two weeks in January, and then a beer and burger place for the rest of the year.
I'm calling it, "Resolutions." - My friends and I just started a business where we weigh tiny objects. It's a small scale operation.
- I started a cold air balloon business. I'm having trouble getting it off the ground.
- I'm thinking about starting a business that recycles discarded chewing gum... I just need help getting it off the ground.
- A man has started a business in Afghanistan. He's selling landmines that look like prayer mats... Prophets are going through the roof.
- Thought of starting an origami business but too lazy to do all the paperwork involved.
- A Boy Scout decided to start a business fixing horns on cars and trucks… He called it "Beep Repaired."
Business Woman Jokes
Here is a list of funny business woman jokes and even better business woman puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
- A woman asked a female doctor if she had aids ... "Yes, I do. They're busy now, but they'll be with you shortly."
- "Heck yeah, I'll marry him! He drives a 400k vehicle, gets paid to travel, and is adorned by the business crowd." Woman: So what do you do for a living?
Man: I drive a bus. - What do you call it when a woman of the church goes on a secret mission? Nun of your business
- Nancy Pelosi just thrashed Trump over this shut-down business. But Stormy Daniels showed us that Trump likes getting spanked by a woman.
- Whats the difference between a stranded crew and a successful business woman? One's men blown off course and the other is blowing men of course.
- Wonder Woman marries Optimus Prime and gets pregnant on their wedding night. So I guess there's gonna be a guaranteed free delivery in 2 business days.
- A man to a woman," Did you see my watch? I was so busy that I didn't have time to find it."
- Q: Who was the best business woman in the Bible?
A: Pharoah's daughter – she drew a profit from the rush at the bank. - A woman grows a plant in a blossoming business as a CEO.
Minding Your Business Jokes
Here is a list of funny minding your business jokes and even better minding your business puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- There I was at the supermarket, minding my own business, when a man out of nowhere came up and threw a whole block of cheese at me! Real mature.
- Two old Jewish women are sitting together, minding their own business.
- Two reasons why people don't mind their own business. 1 : No mind
2 : No business - I was walking down the street the other day minding my own business. When out of nowhere a man ran up to me and attacked me with some milk and cheese.
How dairy! - E-bike vs Cop I was riding my electric bike the other day, minding my own business.
Cop pulls me over, says he's taking me in.
"Charge?" I asked.
"Battery!" he said. - I was just minding my business at lunch when a police officer came and took a handful of my Chinese food... it was a blatant violation of my rice.
- What did the ferret breeder say to the other nosy ferret breeder? Mind your own business.
- I was minding my own business, driving down the street when two police officers stole my car. I had to call ACAB
- I'm minding my own business and then I hear this What's the difference between a red apple and a green one
nothing, they're both red, except for the green one - Looking for Jerome. Everytime I give people advise, they tell me to mind his business.
Business Meeting Jokes
Here is a list of funny business meeting jokes and even better business meeting puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- LPT: If you are ever at a party or business meeting with Spanish speakers, make sure to stand up and say Mucho It means a lot to them
- My son asked if he could meet the British Prime Minister I said "Boris Johnson? Liz Truss will probably be too busy. What do you want to meet Rishi Sunak for anyway?"
- What do you call a gay business meeting? A mandate :3
- A Dairy Farmer got into the healthy Oat Milk business. He *barley* made ends meet.
- A kid is dying at a hospital and wanta to meet eminem. The nurse then says
"He's pretty busy but you are going to meet Tupac real soon." - Officials from Bangkok are attending a business meeting in Jamaica this weekend… They're calling it a black-Thai event.
- Tough business I started a business breeding chickens, but I'm struggling to make hens meet.
- Two gentiles meet on the street.
One says, "How's business?"
The other says, "Great!" - Why did the necromancer fail to meet his quarterly sales goal? He ran his business on a skeleton crew.
- A therapist runs his business out of a parking garage... He frequently meets people that are going through a lot.
Business Analyst Jokes
Here is a list of funny business analyst jokes and even better business analyst puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- How Many Business Analysts Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb? None. The light bulb shall never burn out.
(OK. It's more cathartic than funny...)
Fun-Filled Business Jokes to Boost Your Mood
What funny jokes about business you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jobs jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make business pranks.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it...
...then my i**... logging business is a success.
An old man is selling watermelons...
His pricelist reads: 1 for $3, 3 for $10
A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon.
"That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man.
The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each.
As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing."
The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."
A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business.
His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"
"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"
A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"
The kid ignores him.
"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"
The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."
"Call of Duty, right? I told you I'd bang your mom."
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one asked - Where did you get such a great bike?
The second one replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up to me on this bike".
She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want".
The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit".
Two engineer students were biking across campus.
One said to the other, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
A 13 year old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.
His parents were not religious but after a friend's suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective. His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he responded
"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign I knew they meant business!"
People say to me Jesus was not Jewish
## I say ofcourse he was Jewish
+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift
## He's Jewish. Give it up
****
_by Robin Williams_
Happy Birthday Robin!
Trumpets and Guns
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns.
One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"
"What do you mean strange?"
"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"
"So?"
"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"
"It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
Businessman: How much will it cost to buy a large singing group? I need one for a party.
Lady: Do you mean a choir?
Businessman: Okay, fine. How much does it cost to acquire a large singing group?
Two retired business men sitting on a beach.
Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.
John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.
Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"
Did you hear about the limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer?
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
I'm pretty sure this is the joke that will yield me my fortune.
Little girl goes up to her father and says "Daddy talk like a frog"
Dad says "get out of here, talk like a frog." The next day again the little girl says "daddy talk like a frog."
Dad says "I told you yesterday beat it with the frog stuff."
Again on the next day she says to her dad "Daddy please can you talk like a frog?"
Her dad looks at her and says "okay what's going on, what's the big deal with this frog business, why do you want me to talk like a frog?
The little girl looks at him and says "because mommy said when you croak we get to move to Hawaii"
Now I'm not saying I'm a good businessman
But I spent $534 million less than Hillary Clinton to not become President.
Corniest joke I know.
Two friars decide to open up a business selling flowers in LA. They settup a booth right outside of Hugh Hefners p**... mansion. After about a week, their business wasnt going so well and it was also driving away people from the p**... mansion seeing two friars outside.
Eventually Hugh Hefner himself came out and put a stop to all of this.
The point of the story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Badum psh
An American woman goes to Italy on business and asks her husband what she could bring back for him.
He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"
When she returns home he picks her up at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good," she replies.
"And did you bring something home for me?"
"Something, did I forget?" she asks.
"The Italian girl I asked for," he replies jokingly.
"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."
I fly often for business. Yesterday, I had three bags to check.
I said, "I'd like this bag to go to New Orleans, this one to Seattle, and the third to Chicago."
The gate agent rolled her eyes and said, "We can't do that!"
I immediately shot back, "Why? You did it last week."
Understanding Engineers
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one
said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business,
when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground,
took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first
engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably
wouldn't have fit you anyway."
How I learned to miknd my own business:
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were yelling "13...13...13..."
The fence was too high for me to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.
Someone poked me in the eye with a stick and then they all started shouting "14... 14... 14..."!
My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.
His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."
A woman is at the park with her son when he starts misbehaving.
She looks at him sternly and says "If you don't stop before I count to 3, we're going home!"
1...
2...
2 and a half...
2 and three quarters...
2 and five sevenths...
Just then a man taps her on the shoulder and hands her his business card. Hi I work for Gabe Newell, co-founder of Valve, and we're looking for a new Vice President. I think you're just what we're looking for. Call me on Monday and we'll talk.
Sat down in a restaurant to eat dinner last night, and the waiter asked if I'd like to hear today's special.
I said yeah
He said, today is special.
I said, I can appreciate a good dad joke, but can you tell me about the menu please.
The waiter slams his notebook down on the table, and says, sir the men I please is my own private business.
**EDIT**
Thank you for the awards!!
A boy was sitting in a bus eating chocolate. The elderly man next to him asked him...
Man : If you eat chocolates young lad, you will spoil your teeth.
Boy : My grandfather lived 110 years.
Man : By eating chocolate?
Boy : No. By minding his own business.
Woman visits a bank on downtown NYC...
...and asks for a short-term $10,000 loan. Banker asks her for collateral, and she hands him the keys to her Mercedes. She says she's going on a vacation, and will return the following week to repay the debt and retrieve her car.
Week later, she picks up the vehicle and pays back the loan, plus $50 interest.
Banker says, "Thanks for doing business with us. But, while you were away, we did a bit of research and discovered you are an extremely wealthy woman. Why did you need a loan?"
She replied, "Where else can I park my vehicle for $50 for a week in NYC?"
A factory owner is trying to come up with innovative ideas to save money and therefor save his business from going under.
The owner calls a meeting with all of his 200 employees out on the plant floor.
"Ok everyone, we are in deep trouble. I will give $2000 dollars to the first person that comes to me with a cost saving idea."
Immediately a guy in the front row shoots up his hand.
Owner says "Yes, Barry. That was fast, what's your cost saving plan?"
Barry says "make it $1000".
After failing maths, Jared's parents decide to move him from the local public school to a nearby Catholic school
Within a few months, he is passing with flying colours. His parents ask him the reason behind his sudden improvement. "Was it the strict nuns, the rigour of class, the example of other students? Jared shook his head. "Well what was it then"? Jared replied "Truth is, when I first arrived and saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business".
Why don't midgets ever get accepted into nudist colonies?
They keep sticking their noses into everyone else's business.
A kid takes a taxi home while he eats a chocolate bar....
Taxi driver: Son, don't eat chocolate cause it's not healthy!
Kid: My grandfather lived 108 years.
Taxi driver: Eating chocolate?
Kid: No, minding his own business.
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
I'm sick to death of c**... dealers...
always sticking their business in other people's noses.
I found a lion in my wardrobe and I asked him what he was doing there.
He said "Narnia business".
A German visits France and is stopped at immigration.
The French immigration agent asks, "Business or pleasure?"
The German replies, "Pleasure!"
The agent asks, "Occupation?"
The German replies, "Nein, Nein, just visiting!"
An American man meets a woman while on a business trip to Paris. She barely speaks any English, but their date goes well...
During s**..., she is moaning and basically screaming C'est le mauvais trou . He is emboldened and confident, seeing how much he's pleasing her. Over and over again, C'est le mauvais trou!
The next day, he's playing golf with a client who hits an amazing hole in one. Eager to use his new compliment, the man says C'est le mauvais trou!
The client replies What the h**... do you mean that's the wrong hole?!
A Japanese business man living in nyc goes into the bank to exchange a large amount of US dollars into Yen....
He does the transaction with the teller, offer a polite bow accompanied by an 'ah so', and leaves.
He comes back in a week with another large amount of usd to exchange. This time he gets much less yen. He looks quizzically at the teller and she says to him, 'fluctuations'!!
He angrily grabs the cash and storms out. As he's leaving the branch he comes back in and yells at the top of his voice: 'fluc you Americans too!!!'
I used to sell home security systems.
It was super easy.
I went door to door and If the customer wasn't home, I'd just leave my brochure and business card on their dining room table.
As the p**... finished her session, she said,
It was a business doing pleasure with you.
Whenever people tell me smoking is bad for me, I tell them that my great Grandmother lived to be 100 years old.
And when they say "did she smoke her whole life" I say "no, but she was real good at minding her own business"
A businessman is at the office.
He was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off? " he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings. "
A guy walks into a bar...
...and orders a steak. The guy behind the counter tells him it'll be $1.
"One dollar?! I've been coming to this bar every week for who knows how long, and it's always been $12! Where's Phil the owner?"
"He's upstairs with my wife."
"Well, what's he doing with your wife?"
"The same thing I'm doing to his business."
Man: Hey sir! Could I interest you in a microscope?
Customer: No thanks, I'd have no use.
Man: Here is my business card in case you ever do!
Customer: I can't read this, it's too small!
Man: Boy have I got the product for you!
A guy walks into a bar
A guy walks into a bar and orders finest scotch.
Bartender: (giving him the drink) that would be $2 Sir.
Guy: woah, this is cheap. You are good people. I want to thank your manager. Where is he?
Bartender: in the hotel room Sir, with my wife.
Guy: What's he doing with your wife?
Bartender: The same thing I'm doing with his business.
An old man is on his death bed and calls all his family and the priest.
He says to his first son "I want you to have all the property in the north of the town, I have 16 houses there."
He says to his second son "I want you to have all my commercial property, 8 businesses."
He says to his third son "I want you to have the houses in the southern district, there are only 4, but they are expensive and lucrative."
The old man passes away and the priest says "That is unbelievable, he must have been incredibly wealthy?"
The old man's widow laughs and says "He was a Window Cleaner"
she can't open windows.
On a cold winter morning, while her husband is away on business, a wife has a problem at home and sends a text message to her husband:
Windows frozen, it won't open
Husband texts back:
Pour boiling water over it inside and outside
Five minutes later, wife texts back.
Computer's really s**... up now...
Welcome to Australia!
A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"
"Pleasure," he replies.
"Anything to declare?"
"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.
"Do you have a criminal history?"
Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.
"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those"
A little help with your math
A businessman is getting a 17% discount on an order worth $20,000.00, but can't figure out the total in his head. He asks his secretary, "Betty, if I were to give you twenty thousand dollars with a 17% discount, how much would you take off?" She thinks for a minute, then says, "Everything except my earrings."
m**... businesses in Washington and Colorado are now allowed to use banks..
So long as they open joint accounts.
Did you know that 80% of Korean businessmen have caddaracts?
The other 20% drive Mercedes
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please?
Waitress (slaps me): That's none of your business!
A blind guy rang my door bell...
When I opened the door he told me, "You should really cover your windows up," and handed me a business card.
A boy was eating chocolate...
A boy was sitting in a park eating a bar of chocolate. After finishing it, he opened another one and started eating that too. Then the man sitting next to him said
"Do you know that you're damaging your teeth there son?"
"My grandfather lived for a 132 years" the boy replied.
"Was it because of eating chocolate?" the man asked curiously
"No. He knew how to mind his own business."
I can't believe Prince Harry, who's British royalty, is marrying African American actress Meghan Markle. Why would someone that rich and famous marry an obviously inferior genetic specimen? It's just unthinkable.
Though I suppose if Meghan wants to marry a ginger, it's none of my business.
A young accountant, straight out of uni, applies for a job...
...advertised in the Manchester Evening News. He is interviewed by the owner of a small business who has built it up from scratch. "I need someone with an accounting degree," says the man, "but mainly I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"How do you mean?" says the accountant. "I have lots of things to worry about, but I want someone else to worry about money matters."
"OK," says the accountant. "How much are you offering?"
"You can start on seventy-five thousand," says the owner.
"Seventy-five thousand pounds. How can a business like this afford to pay so much?"
"That," says the man, "is your first worry."
Last night a man attacked me.
Last night when i was coming home from work a man attacked me. He silently put the knife to my t**... with his hand covering my mouth.. I think that's it, I'm done. He takes out his business card, gives it to me and leaves. With a pounding heart and shortness of breath, I read it.
It said : *Self-defense courses.*
A man's printer started printing more and more faintly, so he called a local repair shop.
A friendly young man informed him, Well, you could bring it in for a cleaning, but we charge $50 for that, so you might be better off just reading the manual and trying the job yourself.
Pleasantly surprised by this candor, the man said, Thanks, son. Does your boss know that you discourage business?
Actually, it was my boss's idea, said the young employee. He says that if we let people try to fix things themselves first, we end up making even more money!
Investment Opportunity: You might want to consider getting on board early...
A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.
If a tree falls in the woods and no one hears it,
my i**... logging business is running smoothly
Businessman
Businessman walks into a motel/brothel. Ask the lady working the front desk...I'd like a room and for an extra $500, I want your oldest, fattest, meanest, boring in bed woman and a bologna sandwich.
The receptionist looks at him confused and says for that price we could get you our youngest, kindest, skinniest, kinkiest girl and a steak dinner with all the trimmings.
The man replys ma'am you don't understand me...I'm homesick.
