Bush Jokes

Following is our collection of dubya humor and clinton one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Bush puns for adults, dirty pres jokes or clean bin laden and bush gags for kids.

There is an abundance of einstein picasso bush jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 77 funniest jokes on bush. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any george w bush witze you can hear about bush.

The Best jokes about Bush

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race

Trump, Obama, Clinton, and Bush decided to have a sprinting race to see who's the fastest


Trump went first and he ran from the start to the finish line in 23:34 minutes

Clinton went second and got 15:28 minutes


Obama went after and did 10 minutes, thinking he may have won, Obama is fairly optimistic

Until Bush did 9:11

Last night my wife started calling me Jeb Bush.

I also pull out way to late.

Two cowboys are lost in the desert. One of them sees a tree in the distance that's draped in bacon. "It's a bacon tree! We're saved!" he says. He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.

It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

If Hillary Clinton is elected as our first female President it's really going to redefine a few things for me....

....Like the words President Bush.

George W. Bush is sitting with his aides...

and he is getting debriefed on the world news of the day. The news is rather mundane and unexciting, but one of his aides states that 3 Brazilian people perished in a plane crash early this morning.

Dubya's reaction is pure shock and grief, he's shaking and can't control his emotions.

Tearfully looking over to the man who broke the news, he asks him, "How many is a Brazilian?"


Studies suggest when it comes to dealing with stress, masturbation is twice as effective as sex

So one in the hand really is worth two in the bush.

All these people are so quick to criticize Melania Trump for wanting to take on cyber bullying when that's something her husband has a problem with

But no one criticized Laura Bush for wanting to teach kids how to read

Barack Obama is having a race with Joe Biden around the white house.

After finishing the race Obama says "Whew, just under 10 minutes. Did I break the record?"

Biden replies "No, Bush did 9:11."

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?

A genealogist looks up the family tree, a gynecologist looks up the family bush. (Credit to my uncle)

Obama and Trump are running laps around the White House...

Obama and Trump are running laps around the White House, after three laps Trump excitedly yells "10 minutes exactly, well that has to be a new record!".

Obama says "I don't think so, Bush did 9:11".

Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton and Jeb Bush jump of a bridge. They do a race who hits the ground first. Who wins?

Society


George W. Bush was sitting in the Oval Office when...

...his secretary walks in with a phone in his hand.

He says, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."

Upon hearing this The President says, "Oh my God!" and he buries his head in his hands.

The entire Cabinet was stunned. Usually George Bush showed no reaction whatsoever to these types of reports.

Just then, Bush looked up and said, "How many is a Brazilian??"

It's interesting how different a US president looks at the end of their presidency. Obama had gray hair. Bush had a bunch of wrinkles..

At the end of JFKs presidency, half of his head was missing.

Why is Jeb! Bush still running for president?

Because the Bush family thinks that no child should be left behind.

God is talking with the presidents.

God asks Bush: "What do you believe in?"

Bush answers: "I believe in the free market, and the strong American nation!"

"Very well," says God. "Come sit to my right."


Next, God asks Obama: "What do you believe in?"

Obama answers: "I believe in the power of democracy, and equal rights for all."

"Good, says God. "You shall sit to my left."


Finally, God asks Trump: "What do you believe in?"


Trump replies: "I believe you're sitting in my chair."

Osama Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message

Osama Bin Laden sends George W. Bush a coded message to let him know he is still alive:-
"370H SSV 0773H." Bush is baffled. Condi Rice and her aides and even the FBI and CIA
can't decipher it. So they ask Britain's MI6 for help. Within a minute MI6 replies:-
"Er, tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

Brazillian

So it's 2004 and the War in Iraq is raging on.

President Bush calls Sec. Rumsfeld into the Oval Office to discuss the campaign.

Rumsfeld begins by saying, "Sir, there have been no American deaths today. But we do have word that 3 Brazillian soldiers were killed."

Much Rumsfeld's surprise, President Bush begins crying and banging his hands on the desk in the office.

Rumsfeld says, "Sir, what's wrong?"

Bush replies under his heavy sobs, "Exactly how many is a Brazillian?"

Bill Clinton, George W.Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

Bill Clinton, George W. Bush and George Washington are on a sinking ship.

As the boat sinks, George Washington shouts, "Save the women!"

George W. Bush hollers, "Screw the women!"

Bill Clinton asks excitedly, "Do we have time?"

I love a girl with a trimmed bush....

Only because its makes it easier to see her through the window at night.


vintage Bush joke

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

The last four presidents of the USA each ran one mile.

Trump made a time of 11:56

Clinton was slightly faster, timing at 11:31

Obama was very fast, he ran a 10:03

But Bush did 9:11

George W. Bush challenged Arnold Schwarzenegger to a push-up contest.

George W. Bush challenged Arnold Schwarzenegger to a push-up contest. Schwarzenegger did 910 push-ups. Bush won because he did 911.

A mother takes a bath with her 5 year old boy

The boy sees her bush and asks, "Mommy what is that?" The mother, thinking quickly, simply says, "Why that's my sponge, sweetie." The boy then says, "Oh yeah! The babysitter also has one." Apalled, the mother asks, "How do you know something like that?" The boy responds with, "I know because I saw her washing daddy's face the other day."

how do you catch a rabbit?

Hide behind a bush and make a noise like a carrot.

George Washington, George Bush, and Bill Clinton are on a boat.

The boat begins to sink.
George Washington stands up and valiently exclaims, "Save the Women!"
George Bush runs to the lifeboat, shouting, "Screw the women!"
Bill Clinton stands up and says excitedly, "Do we have time?"

Why did only a few people laugh when Bush made a 9/11 joke?

Because it was an inside joke

"Ugh, I hate this time of month," she said. "It's like I've got the 2000 election in my pants..."

"'cuz there's Bush and there's Gore."

[OC] NSFW

You know, those people who insult Obama and the Clintons..

really need to stop beating around the Bush.

So George Bush is in his office...

His adviser comes in tells him, "Mr. President I'm afraid I have some bad news. There was an explosion at our embassy in South America, two Americans were killed as well as three Brazilian citizens."
Bush looks at him and says, "Oh my God... How many is a brazilian?"

George Bush was sitting down at his desk during his morning briefing.

His chief of staff advised him that 3 Brazilian people had died this morning in a helicopter crash.

George sat there sulking in his chair and began weeping (uncharacteristically) to himself.

Sir, is everything alright? stated his chief of staff, to which George replied, How many is a Brazilian?

A farmer was having trouble telling his horses apart.

"I have two horses that I can't tell apart," he tells his friend. "Is there any way you can help me?"

"Shave the mane off one horse," his friend said. "Then you'll know the difference between them."

The farmer did as he was told, but after some time the mane grew back and he couldn't tell the difference anymore.

"This time, give one of them a small cut on its leg," said his friend. "Then you can tell it apart from the other."

The farmer did this again, but the other horse ran into a thorn bush and got a similar cut on its leg.

"Measure their height," said his friend. "One of them must definitely be a bit taller than the other."

The farmer tried it out, and it worked. Ecstatic, he ran back to his friend's house.

"It worked!" he yelled. "The black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

During the Bush administration...

G. W. was sitting in his office when one of his advisors approached him and said, "Mr. President, three Brazilian citizens were killed today."

G. W. gives him a pained look and replies, "Oh my God! How many millions is that?"

Hillary and Trump tie in the election...

And the election moderator isn't sure what to do. So he decides that the president will be decided by a foot race around the White House lawn.
Trump is up first, and his final time around the lawn is 10 minutes 11 seconds.
Hillary is up next, and her final time around the lawn is 9:20.
The moderator tells Hillary she's won the election and the presidency, and tells her her time. Hillary asks "9:20? Is that a record around the lawn?"
The moderator says "No, Bush did 9:11".

Why did Moses vote for Al Gore?

Because the last time he took political orders from a Bush, his country went mucking around in the Middle East for forty years.

President George W. Bush is sitting in his office...

...When one of his informants walks in to report,
"Mr. President, yesterday three Brazilian soldiers were killed by Al Qaeda."
Bush is silent for a moment as he holds his head in his hands in immense sadness.
"Sir, what's wrong?" asks the informant.
Bush brings his head up to look at the man and asks,
"How many is a Brazilian, exactly?"

Patriotism

A nurse was taking care of a soldier in the Army Hospital.
"How I wish I could kiss the American flag before I die," the soldier said.
The nurse was extremely touched by the soldier's patriotism and said, "I have a tattoo of the American flag on my bottom. You may kiss it if you don't mind."
"Of course I wouldn't mind. Thank you for fulfilling my last wish," the soldier said.
The nurse took off her panties and the dying soldier kissed the flag.
"Thank you, nurse," he said "Now would you be so kind as to turn around so that I could kiss Bush too?"

George Bush swears he sees Moses in the crowd at a rally....

.....and he doesn't want to miss the opportunity to meet such a well-known biblical celebrity.

He yells at him, "Sir, you look a lot like a man from the old testament. Are you Moses?" Looking around, the man slowly shakes his head side to side denying the gesture. Bush is not convinced.. one more time he asks, "Sir, I don't see the need to lie to me; are you Moses?" Once again, a back and forth shaking of his head. Bush tells his security detail to interrogate him.

His lead security agent asks the man in complete confidence, "The beard, the cloak, the staff, the wrinkled skin... you look exactly like Moses." Moses replies, "Because I am."

Confused, the security agent asks, "Why didn't you just tell the president that then? What harm could it have caused?" As a matter of factly, Moses replies, "The last time I talked to a Bush, I was stranded in a desert for 40 years."

Obama was running with a secret service member...

And he was trying to break the record on running 4 laps around the White House lawn. When he finished the Secret Service agent said We'll done sir, your time is 9:22, one of the best times we've had.
Obama then replied, One of the best? Not the best?
The agent replied No sir, Bush did 9:11

This is a very old joke that I'm sure most people have heard.

One day George W. Bush was walking through Washington when he spotted a boy selling week old "Republican Puppies", delighted he resolved to come back with reporters in a few weeks for his campaign. When he came back the boy was now selling "Democratic Puppies". Disgruntled he asked why and the boy said,
"They used to be Republican Puppies, but now they've opened their eyes."

Why did Saddam Hussein never have sex?

....because he was afraid he'd see Bush.

It's 2004 and George W Bush is on the campaign trail...

He stops at a small-town midwest diner for breakfast. After taking a seat he is greeted by a pretty young waitress.

"Mr president, what an honor it is to be serving you. So what will you be having this morning?"

Dubya looks up from his menu, smiles, and says "How about a quickie?"

The waitress is appalled. "Mr president! I voted for you because I thought you stood for morals! And family values! I guess you're no better than Clinton."

After she storms off, one of the president's advisors leans over and says "Hey, uh, George, it's pronounced *keesh*."

Albert Einstein, Issac Newton and Pascal are playing hide and seek...

They play rock-paper-scissors to choose the seeker. A. Einstein is left so he has to be te seeker. He starts counting down from 10.

Pascal hides in a bush bearby, but Newton remains in plain sight. He draws a square with an area of 1m^2 and stays in it.

Einstein's countdown ends. 3.... 2.... 1....

He turns around and sees Isaac Newton in plain sight. He tells him:

"Ha, found you, Newton!"

I. Newton responds while nodding:

"You didn't find me, because 1N/1m^2 =1 Pascal. So it's Pascal who you found!"

What's the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynocologist?

One looks up your family tree, the other looks up your family bush.

Two boys were playing by a stream

One of the boys accidentally kicks the ball into a bush. He goes over to the bush to get the ball, but he sees something that makes him stay in the bush.

Minutes later and he still hasn't come out. The other boy walks over to see what is taking so long. To his amazement, there is a naked woman bathing in the stream.

The boy who went into the bush first says, My mom says that if I look at a naked woman, I will turn to stone. I don't know if that is true, but I feel something getting hard.

What do you call a pig that gets stuck in a bush?

A hedge hog.

Why did Bin Laden stop having sex?

Every time he looked between a woman's legs, he saw Bush.

George W. Bush joke....

One morning while George was having breakfast, Condoleezza Rice walks in saying, "Mr. President, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in action yesterday." "Dear God, " he replied, "how much is a brazilian?"

Woman bathing naked

One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys was lingering over by a bush. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long, so he walked over to the bush, and to his astonishment saw a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden the second boy took off running.

The first boy couldn't understand why his friend ran away so abruptly, so he took off after him. When he finally caught up to him, he asked why he ran away.

The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

A guy walks in a bar asks the bartender

"Isn't that Bush sitting over there?" Guy walks over and says:"Wow,this is a real honor.What are you doing here?"
Bush:"We're planning WWIII.
Guy:"Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush:"Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman."
Guy exclaimed:"Bicycle repairman! Why kill a bicycle repairman?"
Bush turns to Powell,punches him onο»Ώ the shoulder and says:"See, dummy! I told you no one would worry about the 140 million Iraqis!"

A man goes into heaven...

...he sees a lot of clock's and asks what they're for.

Jesus says, "These are lying clocks. If a person tells a lie the minute hand moves."

Jesus points to one clock and says, "This is Abraham Lincoln's clock, the hands have only moved a bit."

Jesus points to another clock and says, "This is my Mother's clock, it has never moved since she has never told a lie."

Suddenly the man asks where George Bush has his clock.

Jesus says, "It used to be in my office for a fan."

The man asks why it's not his fan anymore.

Jesus answers, "We're using Obama's for a generator to get the Air Conditioning going."

American presidents are on a sinking ship!

Ford says: What do we do?

Bush says: Man the lifeboats!

Reagan says: What lifeboats?

Carter says: Women and children first!

Nixon says: Screw the women!

Clinton says: You think we have time?

Little Billy

Little Billy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.Then he decided to write God a letter request $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send Billy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. Billy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to weite a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

Thanks,
Billy

Fidel Castro and 11 Presidents

Fidel Castro survived 11
Presidents of the United States

-Eisenhower

-Kennedy

-Johnson

-Nixon

-Ford

-Carter

-Reagan

-Bush

-Clinton

-GW Bush

-Obama

But he couldn't take 15 days of Trump

Physics Joke

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are all hanging out and bored so they decide to play hide and go seek. Einstein decides to count first, and as they are counting Pascal leaves to hide in a bush. Newton on the other hand draws a box under himself and just stands there. When Einstein is done counting he walks up to Newton and is like,"Newton, you're not even hiding". Newton then says,"Ah, but you found Newtons over meters squared! You found a Pascal!!".

I take my women the same way i take my presidents.

Half black and no Bush.

Einstein, Tesla, Newton, and Pascal are all playing Hide 'N Seek

It is Einstein's turn to be it. So he covers his eyes and slowly counts to 20.

Tesla climbs up a tree, Pascal jumps behind a bush, and Newton stands right where he is and draws a 1m x 1m square around him.

"...eighteen, nineteen, twenty! Ready or not, here I come!" exclaims Einstein. Of course, Newton is the first person he sees so he tags him. "Gotcha, Newton!"

To which Newton responds, "Nope. Pascal!"

George W. Bush and Karl Rove are talking...

Karl Rove walks into the Oval Office and says "Mr. President, I have some bad news. Four Brazilian soldiers died yesterday in Iraq" The president buries his head in his hands, crying "no! No! No! That's awful, that's terrible...." He pauses, collects himself, and says "wait.... How many is a Brazilian?"

George Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump are going for a job interview with God.

God asks Bush: What do you believe in?

Bush replies: I believe in a free economy, a strong America, the American nation and so on ...

God is impressed by Bush and tells him: Great, come sit on the chair on my right.

God goes to Obama and asks: What do you believe in?

Obama replies: I believe in democracy, helping the poor, world peace, etc. ...

God is really impressed by Obama and tells him: Well done, come sit on the chair on my left.

Finally, God asks Trump: What do you believe in ?

Trump replies: I believe you're sitting on my chair.

Two nuns were out walking in the woods

When two thugs jumped out from behind a bush and started raping the nuns, the first nun started praying to God, asking him to forgive the men as they knew not what they were doing, the second nun turned to the first and told her, yours might not know what he is doing but mine sure does.

"When I see Donald Trump..." - Edinburgh Fringe 2018

When I see Donald Trump I get the same thought in my head as I get after a particularly painful bikini wax.

Bush wasn't that bad.



Angela Barnes, Pleasance Courtyard, 7.15pm


Yo momma's pussay is like the white house:

No bush, and there's a black guy in there now.

The two boys and the naked woman.

One day, there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it. The other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush for so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the stream. All of a sudden, the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away, so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady, I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

Einstein, Newton, and Pascal play hide and seek.

Einstein starts counting to ten.
Pascal runs to a nearby bush and hides.
Newton stands right behind Einstein, takes out a chalk, and draws a perfect one meter by one meter square on the ground around himself.

As Einstein reaches 10, he says,
"Ready or not, I'm coming to you! Or, in my frame of reference, *you're* coming to *me*!"
He turns around and sees Newton, so he yells,
"Haha! I've found Newton!"

Newton replies,
"Nah, you found a Newton over a square meter, that's Pascal!"

What does your mom and a rain forest have in common?

If you look deep enough in the bush, you might find a cockatoo.

Two Flies in a bar

One fly is sitting at the bar and his friend walks in shivering, covered in frost.

"What's happened to you?" he asks.

"I rode down in here in a big guy's mustache. He got on his motorcycle and just muscled through the storm." The second fly responded.

"Oh, well next time, what you should do is find a beautiful woman with a big bush, snuggle in there and you'll be fine the whole trip."


The next day the first fly is waiting at the bar and the second fly comes in shivering and covered in frost again.

"What happened, didn't you take my advice?" he asks.

"I did, I did," the second fly responds. "I went to sleep nestled down in the bush, and when I woke up I was back in the Biker's Mustache again"

George W Bush, Barack Obama, and Trump all die and go to heaven.

Upon arriving, God asks them respectively what they believe in.

Bush said he believes in American exceptionalism, the right to bear arms, and the free market.

God said alright, you can take this seat to my right.

Obama said he believes in everyone having Healthcare, equal rights for all, and sustainability.

God invited him to take the seat to His left.

Trump said "I believe you're in my seat"

I can describe my girlfriend and 9/11 in one word

bush

Donald Trump and Mike Pence are running around the White House…

After they finish their lap they check their stopwatch which says 10:38,Mike Pence asks if thats a white house record, Trump says no Bush did 9:11

A white man, a black man and an orange man walk into the bar.

The white man goes up to the bar to order a whiskey. The barman goes, "Hey, aren't you George Bush?"
"Yes, I am" he replies. "Well Mr. President it's an honor."
Then the black man goes up to the bar to get his drink. "Hey, aren't you Barack Obama?" asks the barman. "Yes I am", Obama responds. "Two presidents in my bar in one day; this is the highlight of my life" the barman gushes.

Then the orange man walks up to the bar. The barman immediately tells him to get out of the bar. Furiously, he asks why and the barman exclaims "Ted; you just got a new liver last week. Your wife would kill me if I gave you a drink."

Bush, Trump, Sanders, and Clinton are all on a plane about to crash.

A plane with Jeb Bush, Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton & Bernie Sanders is about to crash, but has only 3 parachutes.
The first passenger yells, "I'm Jeb Bush, let the big dog eat! I can't
afford to die." he took the first parachute and jumped.
The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump runs screaming, "I'm the smartest man in the world & the next President of America. He grabbed the second parachute and jumped.
The 3rd passenger, Hillary Clinton, says to Bernie Sanders "Take the last parachute."
Bernie says, "It's ok Hillary, there is a parachute for both of us. The
world's smartest man just took my backpack."

My friend never shaves his pubes, so he doesn't like talking about masturbation.

He just beats around the bush

Donald Trump is the most unifying voice in American politics.

When was the last time Barack Obama, Paul Ryan, Jon Stewart, Glenn Beck, Bernie Sanders, George Bush, Elizabeth Warren, Mitt Romney, Bill Clinton, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Al Gore, John McCain, and Hillary Clinton all agreed on anything?

Why did Osama Bin Laden kill his wife?

When she spread her legs he saw bush.

Jeb Bush just tweeted a picture of a gun engraved with 'Gov. Jeb Bush' with the caption 'America'

At least he'll never have to get it re-engraved

I'm sick and tired of beating around the bush, so I have to ask...

Are there any other ways to satisfy my girlfriend?

One day bush went jogging...

One day Bush was out jogging and accidentally fell from a bridge into a very cold river.
Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you.



The first boy said, Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!

I'll personally hand it to you, said Bush. I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos, the second boy said.
I'll buy them myself and give them to you, said Bush. And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it, said the third boy.



I'll personally … wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!

No, but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved from drowning.

Bush, Clinton, Obama, and Trump decided to have a race.

Trump went first. He finished the race in 10 minutes and 30 seconds. Obama did a bit better. His time was 10 minutes and 14 seconds. Clinton came in at 9 minutes and 49 seconds. And Bush did 9:11.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes