Bus Ride Jokes
53 bus ride jokes and hilarious bus ride puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bus ride that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Bus Ride Short Jokes
Short bus ride jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bus ride humour may include short train ride jokes also.
- When a Prince Kisses a Sleeping Princess, it's "Romantic"... ...but when I give a shoulder rub to the lady sleeping in front of me on the bus, I'm "banned from riding the bus"
- A kid comes up to a bus and the driver asks him if he has the money to ride.
The kid pulls a few coins out of his pocket. "Is this good?"
The driver nods. "Fare enough." - Did you hear about the human torches son? He had to ride the short bus because he was flame retardant
- If a Church Congregation from Massachusetts goes on a Bus Ride It would be Mass Mass Mass Transit
- I have always wanted to swim with dolphins But they keep dying on me during the bus ride to the pool.
- The bus ride Bus Passenger: Hi! I'm vacationing in your town. Does this bus stop at Elm Street?
2nd Passenger: Yes it does. Just watch me, and get off on stop before I do. - The Magic School Bus That girl over there,
We call her the Magic School Bus.
The entire class has had a ride, and every time it was an absolutely wild adventure. - A dyslexic boy was beaten up by classmates for trying to ride on the regular bus instead of the short bus. Whoops, wrong sub.
- A midget at a bus stop got mad at me when I offered I'm a ride... I closed my backpack and I went my way.
- I was riding a bus to Russia I was riding a bus to Russia but as soon as we entered Russia the bus started riding us.
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Bus Ride One Liners
Which bus ride one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bus ride? I can suggest the ones about bus pass and car ride.
- Just thought of this one.... What land vehicle do clumsy pirates ride on? A Blunder-Bus
- TIFU when my dyslexia made me take the wrong ride to work Whoops, wrong bus
- Yo' Mama is like a bus: she's big, she stinks, and it's only a dollar to ride.
- Yo mama so fat I took 2 train rides and one bus to get to her good side.
- Why are sloths so slow? Because they ride the short bus
- Why don't people like riding the short bus? It's always tardy
Bus Ride Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about bus ride you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean riding the bus jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bus ride pranks.
A midget is riding a bus when a blonde steps on him.
“Hey you, brunette, watch where you're going,” yells the midget.
The blonde looks down and says, “I am not a brunette, I am a blonde.”
The midget replies, “Not from where I'm standing.”
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in London.
The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus.
The Blonde team rides on the top level.
The Brunette team down below is living it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's going on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
Student in a test
An engineering student was in o**... test. The professor asked him" what do usually ride when you go home ?"
The student answered " the bus"
Professor : cool, tell me what you would do if the weather is hot and the AC is broken
Student : easy, I would open the bus window
Professor : fantastic. Tell me the speed of the air that would come from outside if the bus speed is 60 miles per hour.
Student : dunno ... Professor gave him zero
Outside : the student told his friend about what happened in the test.
Later, the other student went to his o**... test with the same professor.
The professor asked him what do you usually ride when you go home ?
Student : my car
Professor: what if you car is broken
Student : my father's car
Professor : if it's broken
Student : my friend's car
Professor : if you don't have any way other than the bus , what would you ride ?
Student : the bus
Professor : if the AC is not working , what would you do ?
Student : I'm gonna take my jaket off
Professor : if it's still hot
Student : I'm gonna take my tank off
Professor : if it's still hot
Student : take my pants off
Professor : still hot
Student : I'm gonna do everything other than opening the window.
The man who ran over himself.
Person 1: Have you ever heard about the man who ran over himself?
Person 2: No, tell me about it.
Person 1: There's a man waiting at a bus-stop and he realizes that he needs to pick up some candy for his nephew, which he usually does when he goes to see him. Meanwhile, theres a little boy riding a tricycle by him, so he offers him $20 saying "Could you run over to the candy store and get some candy for me?" The boy refuses, so he ran over himself.
husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop..
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up."
Recreational tampons...
Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while in the joint. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" The second convict pulled out a box of paints and said that was going to paint anything he could. Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?" The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire..." The third convict was sitting quietly aside when the other two took notice of him and asked, "What did you bring?" The guy pulled out a box of tampons, smiled. and said, "I brought these." The other two were puzzled and asked, "Why did you bring those things?" He grinned and pointed to the box and said;
"Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."
A bus driver sees old lady coming to talk to him...
and she has a handful of raisins.
-Would you mind to eat these raisins? I don´t like the taste of them,
The bus driver is confused but hungry and gladly accepts the offer. He starts again driving and after riding for 3 miles, the bus driver sees that the same old lady is there with a handful of raisins.
-You seemed to like the raisins. I have some more for you
The bus driver, still hungry, takes the raisins, thanks the old lady and continues driving. After 5 miles, he gets confused and starts to wonder what is going on, when the lady already third time comes to offer him the raisins.
-I have more of these raisins that you like. There you go
Now the bus driver just gets too curious and asks the lady why is she bringing him all the raisins?
-Oh you, I just wanted to be nice and offer you young worker something to eat. Besides, I only like to lick the chocolate on top of the raisins out, I otherwise hate raisins.
Spirit bus
A college student named jayden was waiting for the bus after a long day of shenanigans. It was almost midnight. Jayden's bored mind remembered an old myth he heard a while ago. It was about a bus that carried dead spirits to the other world and about it passing by the very station jayden was sitting on. Jayden laughs it off and waits a little longer and a bus came. He went on the vehicle and payed for the ride. But the driver seemed a little strange and the seats were filled with old people and people who seemed to be on the edge of overdosing something. Jayden sat down. As time passed jayden sensed that something was wrong and he started to freak out. 'I need to get of this bus! I'm..i'm not DEAD dude!' Jayden said while flailing his arms like a turtle on his back. Then he felt a cold hand touching him and heard an voice saying. 'Dude, ring the freakin bell.'
Riding the Bus for the First Time is Like Losing Your Virginity to a Cheap h**....
You wait around to find a nice taxi, but none appear.And then all of a sudden, you see this giant non-appealing thing lumber towards you. You give up your hopes and pay then fee of 1.50 and enter the massive doors that, over the years have been modified to fit fairly large occupants. For the next 20 or so minutes,it's a very bumpy ride, stop and go. Then you realize there have been elderly, handicapped, both physically and mentally, spewing their b**... fluids everywhere. Then when you get were you needed to go, you immediately regret it. And then you never see the exact same bus again.
If this joke was terrible, it's because it was both original and my first, all let myself out.
Why did the pirate kids ride the short bus to school?
Because they were ret*arrrrrrrrrr*ded
The Stranger
A true story.
I was waiting at a bus stop one afternoon when a guy approached me and offered me a ride. I thanked him, but politely refused his offer. Confused, he asked me why I didn't want to go with him. I told him, "Because you're a stranger." With more confusion on his face he replied, "No, I'm Indian!"
Just a typical, Wednesday taxi ride...
Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."
The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
-Credits to a friend, who has an internet-phobia.
A woman was riding the bus with her kid
*[Translated from a foreign language. Hope it works.]*
A woman was riding a bus along with her young, hyper-active son, trying hard to get him to eat some breakfast.
"Eat your eggs Johnny, or I'm going to give it to the man in the back". The kid, not interested, continued playing around.
A few minutes later, the woman tried again, "eat your bacon Johnny, or I'm going to give it to the man in the back". The kid was now fascinated by something outside the window and continued ignoring his mother.
A while later, the woman, now very frustrated, cried out, "Johnny, eat your pancakes or I'm going to give it to the man in the back."
Suddenly an exasperated voice called out from the back of the bus, "ma'am, please make your decision, I've missed four stops already".
"m**... can help relieve depression and lead to a higher sense of self-esteem, as well as reduce the risk of prostate cancer."
And apparently that is not the correct answer to give when being questioned by the police as to why I was jacking off while riding the bus.
A bus conductor pushes a guy out of the bus...
... for not having the money to pay for the ride. The guy dies and the passengers angrily take the conductor to court.
The trial finds him guilty. He is sentenced to death by the electric chair.
Soon he is bounded on the electric chair and the power is fed to the chair. But nothing happens and the man does not die.
The next evening, a lady falls out of a moving bus, the conductor of that bus tries to save her but he couldn't get hold of her and she dies. In light of the previous event, the passengers accuse him of pushing the lady out of the bus for not paying and takes him to court. He is found guilty and gets sentenced to death by the electric chair. But this time, he, being a good conductor, dies.
Impatience
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it, so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!
A midget on the bus.
So I'm riding on the bus and this midget comes on and sits beside me.
After a couple of stops, the driver slams on the brakes and the midget slides off the seat, so I grab him by the arm and sit him down again.
Next stop, the same thing happens so again I grab him by the arm and sit him down.
By the fifth stop, the same thing happens and I'm irrirated so I grab him and say: "Hold on tight you dumb midget or you gonna keep sliding off the seat".
He turns around and says to me: "My stop was 5 stops ago, I've been trying to get off the bus you sunabitch".
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby..
The baby wouldn't take it, so she said,
Come on sweetie, eat it all up or
I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us.
Five minutes later, the baby was still
not feeding, so she said,
Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give
it to this nice man here.
A few minutes later,
the anxious man blurted out,
Come on kid.
Make up your mind!
I was supposed to get off four stops ago!
Jonny comes home with two black eyes.
"What happened to you?" asks mom.
"Well," says Jonny, "I was riding on the bus this morning and there was a big fat woman
sitting in front of me. She had her dress caught up in her c**..., so I pulled it out, and she
punched me."
"That accounts for one black eye," says mom, "what about the other one?"
"Well," says Jonny, "I could see she did not like that, so I shoved it back in."
Old lady on the bus
There was an old lady who would ride on the bus every day. Every time she would get off the bus she would hand the bus driver a handful of almonds. The bus driver appreciated the old lady's good deeds however one day he asked her why she gave him a handful of almonds every time she got off the bus. She stated that she had no teeth therefore she could not eat them. Confused, the bus driver asks her why she had the almonds in the first place. Her response was "i like the chocolate around them"
I was riding the bus when I got tapped on the shoulder…
An old lady says to me, Would you like a nut?
I chuckled and said, Sure, thanks.
A couple of minutes after eating the nut, another tap on the shoulder. Would you like another nut?
Well, after eating a couple more nuts from the old gal I finally turned around and asked her, Why do you have nuts if you keep giving them to me?
She replied, I only like the chocolate around them.
A young man goes to a formal ball in Boston.
He parks his car, goes up to the venue, and he has a great time. He meets a young woman there, and the two of them hit it off.
I came here on the bus, she says, Would you mind giving me a ride home?
So obviously he says yes, and the two of them leave the venue together. When they get to his car, the man goes up and presses his leg against the car door, and the car immediately opens up!
The girl asks, Wow, how did you do that?
What do you mean? the man says, These are my khakis.
A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says "did you know that everytime I breathe somebody's dies?"
The fellow turns to him and says "have you tried mouthwash?"
I saw my dwarf neighbour at the bus stop this morning.
He seemed to be waiting for the bus, so I said, 'Jump in, I'll give you ride.'
He said 'Go to h**...', so I thought he was very ungrateful.
But then I just zipped up my backpack and kept walking.
I'm on a long bus ride when I get a tap on the shoulder...
I turn around and an old gal says to me, "Want some nuts?"
I chuckle and say, "Sure, thanks."
A couple of minutes later she taps me again and asks if I want more nuts. I politely accept.
The third time she offers I smile and ask her, "Don't you like nuts?"
She replies, "No, I don't. I only like the chocolate around them."
Bill Cosby walks out of prison...
..and gets on a bus, and rides it to a long rock wall. Next to a big oak, he finds a letter.
He follows it to Mexico, where he finds Jeffrey Epstein working on his boat.
Church lady
There was a church lady who always was dressed very properly and always carried her bible with her. She had a bad habit of judging people and letting them know what she thought of them.
One day, she was riding on the crosstown bus and a drunk guy got on. There was only one seat left which was right next to the church lady.
She said to the man, you're a disgusting and smelly drunk. You're going straight to h**....
The man said Excuse me ma'am. I think I'm on the wrong bus.
Little Bobo gets on the bus and the driver asks him:
- How old are you?
- Seven
- When the conductor comes, say you are six.
- Why?
- They'll let you ride for free.
The conductor comes and asks him:
- How old are you ?
- Six!
- And when do you turn seven?
- As soon as I get off the bus.
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
A group of passengers are riding the bus to work…
Suddenly, the engine splutters and the bus grinds to a halt at the side of the road. The driver gets out, opens the engine compartment, and peers inside, cursing and swearing.
After a while the passengers get restless. A woman pulls a small toolkit out of her purse, gets up and goes outside, and sees the driver frantically trying to reattach a loose electrical cable with his fingers.
Would you like a screwdriver, she asks.
I'd love one, he replies, but we're ten minutes late already !
A young girl returns home after a bus trip with her dad
When she gets home she rushes to her mother to tell her about the trip.
After speaking of all the sights they saw she finished the story on the bus ride back:
"On the bus, daddy told me to offer my seat to a random lady so I did"
Her mother replied: "Oh wow! You did the right thing honey"
Frowning, the girl said: "But I was sitting in daddy's lap!"