Bus Pass Jokes
32 bus pass jokes and hilarious bus pass puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bus pass that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Quick Jump To
Funniest Bus Pass Short Jokes
Short bus pass jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bus pass humour may include short bus stop jokes also.
- My grandad the bus driver passed away peacefully in his sleep yesterday unlike his passengers
Share These Bus Pass Jokes With Friends
Bus Pass One Liners
Which bus pass one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bus pass? I can suggest the ones about bus ride and bus conductor.
- Yo Momma is so old that her bus pass is in hieroglyphics!
- A woman gets a lifetime bus pass for her 103rd birthday Estimated value: $30
- How do you see every black person ever? Get a bus pass to the city of atlanta
Bus Pass Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about bus pass you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bus driver jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bus pass pranks.
I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...
...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.
I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"
Every day as i walk to the bus stop I speak with a 93 year old man with alzheimers who sits on his rocking chair looking over his yard with a concerned expression.
He musters his strength and calls out to me "hey.. have y-you seen m-my wife?" And every day i have to tell him "I'm so sorry.. your wife has passed away 10 years ago". Ive considered not telling him but my mornings always feel better after I see the look of sheer joy on his face.
As I was walking home I passed a woman with one breast hanging out of her shirt..
So as to spare her any further embarrassment, I quietly pointed out her chestal indiscretion as I passed.
She looks down and screams "OH MY GOD!! I left the baby on the bus!!!"
A tour bus is traveling through Nevada...
it briefly passes by the Bunny Ranch in Carson City.
The guide notes, "We are now passing the largest house of legal prostitution in America"
A man in the back shouts, "WHY?!?"
Two men stay out late drinking, miss the last bus and have to walk home
They pass the bus depot, so one says he'll break in and steal a bus to get them home.
Ages later, he comes to the door and goes, 'it's no use, I can't find a number 9.'
'You idiot!' says his friend, 'Just steal a 14, we'll get off at the corner and walk the rest of the way.'
Bus
A woman got a problem with her closet door - it was falling every time a bus passed by. So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time a bus passes by.
"OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he steps into the closet to wait for a bus to pass.
At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.
Husband: "What the h**... are you doing here!"
Repairman:"Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!"
There was a skinny bus conductor and a buff guy...
Whenever the buff guy traveled the bus and conductor came to him for the ticket, buff guy says I don't buy tickets.
The conductor always meekly went away.
One day the conductor got tired of this and joined the gym.
After some time he too got buff.
Next day when the buff guy refused to buy the ticket, conductor (now also buff, but let's still refer to him as conductor) asks him with a commanding voice, 'Why?'
Buff guy says 'I have a bus pass that's why'.
A man sits down next to a lady reading a newspaper by the window on a bus...
He can't help himself and has to f**... so he does his best to sneak it out. He glances over and she doesn't seem to notice. Relieved, he decides to attempt light conversation.
"Are you done with that newspaper?" he asked.
She replied "No, but next tree we pass, I'll grab you some leaves".
A crazy guy was taking the bus
There was this crazy guy that took the bus every data and always bought two tickets.
The bus driver intrigued one day decided to ask "why do you always buy two tickets" and the crazy guy says " well its simple I put one ticket in my left pocket and one in my right that way if i lose one I still have the other " and the driver asks " and what if you lose both tickets?" And he goes " oh don't worry i have a bus pass "
True story
A few years ago, the (very attractive) checkout assistant in Asda asked the person in front of me for age ID. Ever the charmer I asked if she wanted to see my ID.
Quick as a flash she replied "Yeah, go on, show me your bus pass!"
A preacher and a young boy were sitting at a bus stop.
The boy had a bottle of clear liquid and he kept shaking it up, looking at the bubbles. The preacher asked the youngster what he had in the bottle. "Preacher man, this here is the strongest liquid known to mankind, Turpentine!"
The preacher reaching into his vest pocket, "Young man, I beg to differ! This here is holy water! You put some of this on a pregnant woman's belly, she will pass a baby boy!". The boy replied, "Heck preacher, that ain't nothing! You put some of this on a cats a**..., it will pass a motorcycle!"
My friend's father died last night so I asked him "What was the cause of his father's death?"
He said, "A bus passed over his finger!"
I laughed and told him: "It is not a suitable cause."
My friend said: "When the bus crashed, his finger was on his nose!"
The ugly club was going to Disneyland!
When the bus crashed killing all 43 of the occupants and the ugly bus driver. When they reach the pearly gates saint peter tells them all to form an orderly line and they will each get one wish before they pass into heaven.
Each person asks for the same thing, I want to be the most beautiful person ever created. As they move through the line, each person becoming more beautiful than the last they can hear giggling from the back of the line.
The line eventually dissipates and saint peter asks the last person in line his wish.
He says make them all ugly again!
A women enters a bus carrying her baby
As she passes the driver, he remarks, "that's the ugliest baby I have ever seen."
The woman is understandably angry but sits down anyway near the back of the bus. As she sits there, fuming, a man sitting next to her notices and asks, "what's wrong?"
"The bus driver was very insulting to me. I feel very disrespected. He should be fired for such behavior!"
The man says, "I agree. He shouldn't be allowed to talk that way. you should go back up there and give him a piece of your mind. Here, I'll hold the monkey."
A warning to all the drivers now, close to New Year's Eve...
Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to New Year's Eve and Police are out there checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing lead to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went onto the wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a police checkpoint, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.
A warning to all my friends.
Be careful about drinking and driving as we are getting closer to Christmas.
Police are out in full force with loads of road blocks all over. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another, and I had a few too many beers which then went on to whiskies. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the pub and took a bus home.
I passed the police check point where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathaliser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely, no accidents,which was a real surprise because..
I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from...
A warning to all.
Be careful about drink driving as we are getting near to Christmas and the police are out checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few to many, not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was in a bus they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I'm not even sure where I got it from.
A kid is sitting at a bus stop eating candy.
An old lady comes up to the bust stop and sits down. As they're waiting for the bus, she watched the boy eat the candy. One after another, by the dozens. 10 minutes pass, and the young man is showing no signs of stopping. Concerned, she looks over and says:
"Young man, eating candy is bad for you! You sould stop."
"Well my grandpa lived to be 104!" he replies.
"Did he eat this much candy often?" she asks surprised.
"No, he minded his own business."
Spirit bus
A college student named jayden was waiting for the bus after a long day of shenanigans. It was almost midnight. Jayden's bored mind remembered an old myth he heard a while ago. It was about a bus that carried dead spirits to the other world and about it passing by the very station jayden was sitting on. Jayden laughs it off and waits a little longer and a bus came. He went on the vehicle and payed for the ride. But the driver seemed a little strange and the seats were filled with old people and people who seemed to be on the edge of overdosing something. Jayden sat down. As time passed jayden sensed that something was wrong and he started to freak out. 'I need to get of this bus! I'm..i'm not DEAD dude!' Jayden said while flailing his arms like a turtle on his back. Then he felt a cold hand touching him and heard an voice saying. 'Dude, ring the freakin bell.'
Nice try hippy
So there is a hippy who gets on a bus. After getting on the bus, he spots a nun sitting by herself. He goes to sit with her and asks her, "Will you have s**... with me?" And then the nun responds, "Oh, Heavens no." The hippy reaches his stop and passes by the bus driver on his way out. "Hey buddy, I know how you can have s**... with that nun," says the bus driver. "How?" asks the hippy. "You see that grave at the top of that hill over there? She goes to pray there at 8:00 PM every night. Just dress up as a ghost and tell her to have s**... with you as the dead man from the grave for his last wish. She'll have to do it," says the bus driver. Later that night at about 8:00, the hippy dresses up as a ghost and hides behind the grave until sure enough, the nun shows up and starts praying. The hippy jumps out and tells her to have s**... with her as a dead man's last wish. She does and after they finish, the hippy pulls off his costume.
"Ha! I'm the hippy!" He exclaims.
"Ha! I'm the bus driver!" says the nun.
Drinking and driving
I would like to share my experience with drinking and driving.
As most of you are aware, some of us have been known to have had close encounters with the authorities on our way home from the nights out drinking and socializing.
So a couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some close friends of mine and had just a few too many.
Knowing full well I may have been over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. As fate would have it, I passed a police checkpoint but as it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not even quite sure where I got it.
I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.
I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking
and driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to
have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from
the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago,
I was out for a few drinks with some friends
at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather
nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly
over the limit, I did something I've never done before:
I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block
but as it was a bus, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise, as
I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
I want to share a recent experience about drinking and driving.
As you know, some of us have had brushes with authorities on our way home from late night "social sessions". A couple of nights ago I was out with some friends having a few drinks and let's just say I may have had a few too many. Knowing that I was "slightly" over the limit, I did something I had never done before: I took a bus home. Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was, they waved it past. So I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, because I have never driven a bus before and I'm not sure where I got it.
One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus and drove off along the route:
No problems for the first few stops.
A few people got on, a few got off and things went generally well.
At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on.
Six foot eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground.
He glared at the driver and said. "Big John doesn't pay!" And sat down at the back.
Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek?
Well, he was.
Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.
The next day the same thing happened...
Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down.
And the next day and the one after that, and so forth.
This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.
Finally he could stand it no longer.
He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo and all that good stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.
So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said. "Big John doesn't pay!"
The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed. "And why not?"
With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied. "Big John has a bus pass!"
A lady buys some new furniture at Ikea.
She reads the instuctions and builds the wardrobe.
As soon as it"s built she a bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces.
The lady tries again and 5 minutes later another bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces.
The lady is furious and calls Ikea.
Ikea tell her that they will send a worker to build it.
When the worker arrives he builds the wardrobe and says:
"Ok, I"m going to my next client."
To which the lady says:
"NO! Wait! You"ll see, as soon as a bus comes by it will dismantle itself..."
The man agrees to stay to wait for the bus.
After a while the man says that he better get in the wardrobe to see where the problem is when the bus passes by, to which the lady agrees.
10 minutes later the husband arrives and say"s:
"Ahh lovely honey you bought us a new wardrobe..."
He opens it up and say"s: "SIR! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"
To which the worker replies:
"I"m waiting for the bus!"