bus Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious bus stories

What are the best Bus puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Bus? Well here is a complete list of Bus to have fun with:

The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

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A bus full of ugly people unexpectedly crashes and kills everyone on board

Everyone shows up at the Gates of Heaven where God comes to meet them all Himself.

"Gee guys, I didn't intend for that to happen, I'm really sorry. I can't just resurrect you all, but to make up for it I'll grant you all one wish before I let you in."

The first person steps up and thinks for a moment. He says "You know God, I've been ugly all my life. For once I would like to know what it is like to be beautiful. Make me beautiful." So God snaps his fingers and it is so.

Everyone else starts chattering amongst themselves at such a brilliant idea. They all start wishing for the same thing.

God steps up to the last guy in line who is laying on his side laughing so hard he is crying. After several minutes of patiently waiting, God finally says "Now what in Heaven could be so funny boy?" The man stands up, wipes a tear from his eye and says "Make them all ugly again."

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"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yogurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt."

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Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster?

A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.

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Breastfeeding a Baby

A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when a gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said: "Come on, drink it or ... I'll have to give it to this nice man here."

Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out: "Come on, kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"

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I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

β€Ž...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

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Just a typical, Wednesday taxi ride...

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."ο»Ώ

-Credits to a friend, who has an internet-phobia.

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Blondes At The Bus Stop.

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.

A bus pulls up and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside, asking the driver - "will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"

The bus driver shakes his head, "no, I'm sorry, it won't" he says.

The other blonde leans inside and asks, "how about me?"

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I wear headphones now when I masturbate.

Its mostly to drown out the voices on the bus; people saying things like, "You should be more responsible, you're the driver." I'm like, "You know what lady, I get your kids to school on time, Monday through Friday."

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I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

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Blonde and Golf Balls

A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls. He sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply
about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

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A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped inches from a shop window.

For a second, everything was quiet in the cab. Then the driver said, "Look, mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver β€” I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

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Father, what causes arthritis?

A drunk that smelled like a brewery got on a bus one day. He sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, ''Father, what causes arthritis?''
''Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man,'' the priest replied. ''Imagine that,'' the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized: ''I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'' ''I don't have arthritis, Father,'' the drunk said, ''but I just read in the paper that the Pope does.''

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An Iranian man comes home to his wife

He says :" Honey! Honey! I missed the bus today and chased it all the way home. I saved myself 2 dollars!"

The wife responds: " you idiot! You should've chased the taxi. You could have saved 20 dollars!"

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The Man and the Nun.

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her.

Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus.

The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray.

If you dress up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."

The man decides to try it, and dresses up in his best God costume.

At eight, he sees the nun and appears before her.

"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!"

The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty.

The nun says yes, but tells him she prefers anal sex.

Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty, grunty, loud sex.

After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha! I'm the man from the bus!"

"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume. "I'm the bus driver!"

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I had such a crap day. First my ex got run over by a bus.

Then I got fired from my job as a bus driver. Ugh.

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A businessman is at the office.

He was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off? " he asked her.
The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings. "

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Three Little Old Ladies

Three little old ladies were at the bus stop in front of their church when a young man ran up to them and exposed himself. The oldest one had a stroke. The other two couldn't reach.

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Freudian Slip

A man is waiting in line at the bus station. He finally makes his way to the attendant and notices she is well endowed and certainly showing it. He avoids looking at her breasts and promptly states "I'd like a picket to Titsburgh." Realizing his mistake he grows red with embarrassment. After purchasing a ticket to Pittsburgh he sits and waits for his bus. Shortly after sitting down a man walks up to him and says "Don't worry about that, it's called a 'Freudian Slip' and it happens all the time. Like the other day I was sitting with my wife at dinner and I meant to say 'pass me the salt please' but I accidentally said 'you've ruined my life you terrible fucking bitch."

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I told the woman in front of me on the bus that she had semen on the back of her shirt...

She said "No, its probably yogurt or something." I apologized and explained that no, "I don't ejaculate yogurt." She was furious, but hey, my stop was next, and I had to get off.

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What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station the others a busty crustacean

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what's the difference between an old greyhound bus terminal and a lobster with 36B breasts?

one's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean

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Two Italians having a conversation..

A bus stops and two Italian gentlemen get on.


They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:


"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."


"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country, we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"


"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'ma justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

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A busload of nuns goes over a cliff...

A bus load of nuns goes over a cliff in a snowstorm. All the nuns go to heaven and line us at the pearly gates in front of Saint Peter.

Sister Mary is first in line. St Peter asks her "Have you any sins to atone for?" She responds, "Once, I looked at a man's penis." St Peter tells her to splash some holy water on her eyes and enter heaven.

Sister Katherine is next. St Peter questions her likewise "Have you an sins to atone for?" She responds "I have, I gave a man a hand job." St peter tells her to wash her hands and enter heaven.

About this time there is a commotion towards the rear. St Peter quite angrily yells "What's all the commotion back there!" Sister Julie exclaims "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I'm doing it before Margaret sticks her ass in it!"

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Two ladies meet up for coffee...

The first lady asks if she came on the bus. The other replies, "Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack."

(I work in a hospital, a patient told me this.)

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I tried to share a subway sandwich with a homeless man on the bus.

He kept telling me to fuck off and get my own.

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My grandpa's favorite joke

This works better in my native language, but I am going to do my best to try to translate it effectively.

At the end of a good day's work, an accountant goes home and announces proudly to his wife "Honey, I missed the bus today but I saved $2 by chasing after it all the way home! "

His wife fixes him with a look of pure contempt and says "You fool!! You could have saved $75 if you'd only chased after a cab."

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Number 7

Mark dreams number 7.

He wakes up, looks at his watch: it was 7:07.

He looked at the calendar: July 7, 2007.

Decided it was a sign he's taking the bus 77.

Arrive at the track, put $ 7777 on the horse 7 from the 7th race.

The horse comes seventh.

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I'm gonna start a company where I drive people around to haunted places.

It'll be called Ghost Bus Tours

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A train hits a bus load of Catholic schoolgirls...

...and they all perish. They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past Saint Peter.
Saint Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger."
St Peter says "Ok, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate."
He asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
She is a little reluctant but replies, lWell I once fondled and stroked one."
St Peter says, "ok, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through."
All of the sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line as one girl is pushing her way to the front.
When she reaches the front of the line Saint Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?"
Lisa replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her ass in it!"

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A woman was breastfeeding on the bus today

Suddenly, an old lady started yelling "how dare you do this in public!!", she kept on screaming and screaming, like "that's disgusting", "what a disgrace" etc...

In hindsight, it probably wasn't the time or place for a wank.

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I was at the bar last night...

I was at the bar last night and had a few drinks. I knew it was unsafe to take my car home so I took a bus. This was really difficult for me; I've never driven a bus before.

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How old am I

One day a 55 year old woman decides to get plastic surgery. Everything goes great and she looks amazing. So one day she goes to the bank and asks the teller "How old do you think I am?"
The bank teller says " I don't know, about 32?"
The woman laughs and say "Nope I'm 55"
Feeling really good about herself she asks an old man on the bus "How old do you think I am"
The old man says "Well young lady I can tell the age of any woman if she gives me a blowjob"
The woman thinks for a while and agrees just to prove the old man wrong. After she finishes the old man looks at her dead in the face and says "Ma'am I believe you are 55"
"How can you do that?" asks the Woman
Then the old man says "I was behind you in line at the bank"

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Meanwhile in business news...

...balloon prices are plummeting. Experts are putting it down to a poor inflation rate

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Two british men are sitting at a bus stop...

When a man, clearly not from their town, comes up towards them.

"Parlez-vous Français?" The man asks the two Brits.

Confused, they stare blankly at the foreigner.

"Hablan ustedes EspaΓ±ol?" The man tries again - still no reaction from the two men.

Frustrated, the foreigner tries one more time.

"Sprechen sie Deutsch?"

but the two men at the bus stop still have no clue what he's saying, and the foreigner storms off in a huff.

A couple seconds later, one of the men sitting on the bench turns to the other and says, "We should probably learn a language."

The other man turns to him and says, "Why? He knew three, and it didn't do him any good!"

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Shit!!

A man is sitting in the bus at the bus stop with his head sticking out the window, waiting for the bus to leave.

As the bus starts moving, he sees a man running after it trying to get on.

Knowing the man won't be able to catch up he yells at the runner, "Stop running so fast, you're gonna shit yourself."

The man running looks at him and says bitterly, "If only you knew who I am you'd shit yourself."

The man sitting in the bus, annoyed by this mans cockiness says, "Fine, who are you?"

The man running says, "I'm the bus driver."

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Two Italian men are sitting next to an old lady on a bus.

The first one says to the second: "Emma come, then I come. Dennis come, and Dennis come again. I come again. Two asses come together. I come and pee twice. Then I come again."
The old lady looks at them in disgust and says to them: "Here in America, we prefer to keep our sex lives private."
The Italian man says: "Coola down, madam. Imma justa teacha my friend howa spella Mississippi."

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Two in the Bush...

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'

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As I was walking home I passed a woman with one breast hanging out of her shirt..

So as to spare her any further embarrassment, I quietly pointed out her chestal indiscretion as I passed.

She looks down and screams "OH MY GOD!! I left the baby on the bus!!!"

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The nice old lady..

An old lady always gave the bus conductor cashew nuts and almonds to eat.

Conductor: "So kind of you to give me those nuts to eat everyday. Why don't you eat them yourself?"

Old Lady: "I don't have the teeth to munch them."

Conductor: "Then why do you buy them?"

Old Lady: "I just love the chocolate around them!" :P :P :P

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What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a voluptuous lobster?

One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean.

:D

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A woman gets on a bus.

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

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What's the difference between a Greyhound bus depot and a lobster with big boobs?

One's a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.

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What's the difference between a dirty old bus station and a lobster with boobs?

One's a crusty bus station, and the other is a busty crustacean.

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Confucius Say

Confucius say: Man who run behind bus get exhausted. Man who run in front of bus get tired.

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Mum when I was on the bus with Dad

Son: 'Mum when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

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The Taxi man.

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window. For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

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A tour bus is traveling through Nevada...

it briefly passes by the Bunny Ranch in Carson City.

The guide notes, "We are now passing the largest house of legal prostitution in America"

A man in the back shouts, "WHY?!?"

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The difference between a greyhound station and a lobster with a boob job?

one is a crusty bus station.

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A bus full of ugly people crashes.

A bus containing only ugly people crashes violently, and all of the unfortunate passengers die. Finding themselves in Heaven, they see St Peter approaching them with the keys to the Pearly Gates.
He announces, "Since all of you were died so horribly, and none of you sinned terribly, you are each granted one wish as you go into Heaven."
The first person thinks for a second, and then decides, "I want to be gorgeous!"
Seeing the person immediately become so, the second person wishes the same thing, and so on.
After a while, the man in the back suddenly bursts out in laughter. As St Peter nears the end of the line, the man's laughter becomes more hysterical and harder to control.
When St Peter finally reached the end of the line, the man, now in tears, said, "Make 'em all ugly again."

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best bus jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty bus gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these bus jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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