Bus Jokes
152 bus jokes and hilarious bus puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bus that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Laugh out loud with these hilarious bus jokes for kids and adults alike! Whether you ride a school bus, ferry, train, or another type of bus, you'll find jokes about drivers, passengers, and more.
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Funniest Bus Short Jokes
Short bus jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bus humour may include short ferry jokes also.
- My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel. My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.
- The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop
- My Tinder bio says I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I'm paid to travel My dates are always upset when I tell them I'm a bus driver
- I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, Wow! That could have been me! Then I remembered I can't drive a bus.
- What's the difference between a lobster and a chinese man who's been run over by a bus? One's a crustacean, the other's a crushed Asian.
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. At work, I have a workstation.
- Today I gave my seat to a blind lady on the bus, That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.
- Whenever I see a female bus driver, I'm reminded of how far we have come as a society... Then I wait for the next bus
- I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died Which was lucky really, because he got hit by a bus
- Today I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person. I was also fired from my job as a bus driver, no justice for the kind hearted in this world.
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Bus One Liners
Which bus one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bus? I can suggest the ones about driver and train.
- What do you call a black man that's just been hit by a bus? An ambulance you racist.
- What did the Egyptians use to travel to the Underworld? A new bus.
- What is big, yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children
- I'm afraid to die alone. So I became a bus driver.
- What do you call a gay black man on a bus ? A passenger. You homophobic racist
- What happens if Usain Bolt misses his bus? He waits for it at the next stop.
- If you drive a subaru in reverse, what are you? U r a bus
- I didn't want to die alone... So I became a bus driver.
- I gave up my seat to a blind guy on the bus. I lost my job.
- Don't want to die alone? Become a bus driver!
- If you want girls to be running after you Become a Bus Driver.
- How did a bit travel from the CPU to the HDD? It took the bus.
- What do you call the white guy on a bus full of black guys? coach.
- What's big, yellow, and can't swim? A bus full of kids
- It was a terrible day today. My ex got hit by a bus. I also lost my job as a bus driver.
Bus Driver Jokes
Here is a list of funny bus driver jokes and even better bus driver puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- 3 Big things happened to me today 1) My neighbor said he didn't like me
2) My neighbor got hit by a bus
3) I lost my bus drivers license - I had a really sad day today First - My ex got run over by a bus
Second - I got fired as a bus driver - Yesterday I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind man But I was fired from my job as a bus driver
- I gave up my seat on a bus to a blind, old lady today. Later, I got fired from being a bus driver.
- I jumped on the bus, and said, "Two, please." The driver said, "This is a school bus."
I replied, "I know, and make them good looking." - I was going to make a joke about that bus... I was going to make a joke about that bus that rolled over and killed the driver and 9 passengers...
But there's no pun in ten dead. - This was a terrible day. First my ex got hit by a bus.
Then, I lost my job as a bus driver. - I always give up my seat to blind people on the bus Anyways today I lost my job as a bus driver
- I went for my interview to be a bus driver I told them 'Sorry I'm late'
They said 'you're hired' - The job of your dreams Do you want to drive a vehicle worth $100,000?
Do you want a corner office with windows?
Do you love to travel?
If so, then become a bus driver!
Bus Stop Jokes
Here is a list of funny bus stop jokes and even better bus stop puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My friend told me I don't know what irony is... Which is ironic, because we were at a bus stop.
- An old woman stopped me and asked "Excuse me, can you show me how to get to the hospital"?
I said "No problem"
Then I pushed her under a bus - My friend told me that I didn't understand how to use irony. It was really ironic, since we were at the bus stop at the time.
- Two paedophiles are waiting at a bus stop when an 8 year old girl walks past... One says to the other, "I bet she was a looker in her day."
- So the other day, my friend told me that I have no idea what irony meant... Which was pretty ironic, considering we were at a bus stop.
- I saw a werewolf behind the bus stop last night! Or a really hairy homeless guy.
Either way, the silver bullet worked! - Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning, or possibly just a very hairy guy.... Either way, the silver bullets work.
- A man walks up to a pregnant woman at a bus stop When is it due he asks.
Two weeks she replies.
I guess I'll just walk then he responds. - My mate says I don't understand irony... Which is ironic, because we were at a bus stop at the time.
- I was waiting at the bus stop. A woman said, "How long will the next one be?"
I said, "Probably about thirty feet."
School Bus Jokes
Here is a list of funny school bus jokes and even better school bus puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My biggest fear is dying alone. That's why I drive a school bus.
- What's yellow and comes in the morning to brighten every parent's day? The school bus.
- No wonder fortnite is so popular among school children Who doesn't love hopping off the bus and shooting everybody in sight?
- What is yellow and can't swim? A school bus.
- What do you get if you cross a river with a school bus? Fired.
- What is yellow, has 38 eyes, and can't swim? A School Bus.
- I offered to give my daughter a lift to school. "Come on," said my wife, "she's big enough to take the bus by herself."
I said, "That's harsh. She's not *that* overweight." - What happened to the Irishman who tried to blow up a school bus? He burned his lips on the exhaust pipe.
- A Jewish kid tells his father he saved some money... Kid: "Dad I saved $3 by running behind the bus after school today"
Dad: "Next time run behind a taxi, you'll save more" - I knew it was going to be a bad day after I fell asleep on the school bus this morning. Especially since I was the one driving.
Bus Passenger Jokes
Here is a list of funny bus passenger jokes and even better bus passenger puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My grandad the bus driver passed away peacefully in his sleep yesterday unlike his passengers
- Just witnessed this classic on the bus Passenger: Which bus are you?
Driver: I'm not a bus, I'm the driver. - I wish to die peaceful and in sleep like my grandfather and not screaming and afraid like passengers in his bus.
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers on his bus.
- Die while sleeping It's best to die quietly while sleeping, like my grandpa instead of screaming like the passengers on his bus.
- My dad died peacefully in his sleep yesterday....... Not like all the passengers on his bus.
- When I will die.. .. I want to do it sleeping in quiet like my grandfather did..
..not screaming from fear like the passengers of his bus - When I die, I want to go like my granddad - peacfully in my sleep ... ... not screaming like the passengers on his bus
- Its good to die like my grandfather, painlessly in his sleep. Its bad to die in a terrible accident, like the passengers on his bus.
- I've always thought about how nice it would be to die in my sleep like my grandfather did... ... and not screaming like all the passengers in the bus he was driving.
Credits to /u/GhostOfGuyFieri
Entertaining Bus Jokes to Laugh Out Loud Fun with Everyone
What funny jokes about bus you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean tram jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bus pranks.
A guy sat next to me in the bus today and pulled out a photo of his wife.
He asked me Ain't she beautiful?
I said If you think she's beautiful, you should see my wife
He replied with Why, is she a stunner as well?
I said No, she's an optician
Cr
The police came to my house tonight holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?" Shocked, I answered, "Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."
A boy excitedly reports to his miserly father...
"Papa!" the boy exclaims. "Instead of buying a bus ticket, I ran home behind the bus and saved a dollar!"
The father immediately slaps the child. "Spendthrift!" he screams. "You could have run home behind a taxi and saved twenty!"
A man sitting next to me on the bus today showed me a picture of his wife.
He says to me "Isn't she beautiful"?
I replied to him "If you think she's pretty, you should see my wife"
He then asked "Oh, is your wife beautiful too"?, to which I replied "No, she's an optometrist".
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."
I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so…
I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"
She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's."
"Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?"
I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."
I cracked a joke about dementia to my friend at the bus. The old man sitting next to me politely asked. "Can you stop making jokes about terminal diseases?"
I replied "yes I cancer." Then I cracked tumor
What's the difference in a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants?
Ones a crusty bus station, the others a b**... crustacean.
A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to suckle....
So she says to her baby
_"Eat up now or I'm going to give it to that nice man over there"_ and points at the man sitting across from her
10 mins later _"You have to eat, baby, or I will give to that man!"_
5 mins later _"Baby come on now, I can't waste this milk so you have to eat or im giving it to that man"_
At this point the gentleman sitting across from her yells
_"FFS Make up your mind lady, my stop was 3 stops ago!"_
I was sitting next to this really hot Thai g**... the bus and all I could think to myself was, "Don't get an e**..., don't get an e**..."...
But she did
A blind woman got on a bus. Sadly, all the seats were taken.
A man noticed that no one else on the bus was willing to give up their seat for the blind woman, so he kindly guided her to his seat and took a standing spot. As the bus started up, the man frowned at the others for their selfishness.
Later that day, the man came home in tears, covered in bruises.
"What's the matter?" asked the man's wife.
"I lost my job as a bus driver."
I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...
What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?
Throw in your laundry.
The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."
We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."
A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck...
A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."
A man went skydiving for the first time. "It's easy," said the instructor.
"Just count to five and pull on the main c**...," the instructor continued. "If that doesn't open, count to ten and pull on the reserve c**...."
"Super easy," he concluded. "Then you'll float slowly to the ground, and our bus will be there to drive you back to the airport."
The man jumped out the plane, and pulled on the main c**.... Nothing happened. He pulled on the reserve c**.... Nothing happened.
He looked down at the ground which was approaching fast, and said: "I bet that bus won't be there to pick me up either."
Two blondes and a bus
Two blondes are standing at a bus stop.
One asks the other:
"Which bus are you taking?"
"Number 1. And you?"
"Two."
The bus with the number 12 is coming. One of them says to the other:
"Look, we're going together!"
m**... while looking in a mirror isn't wrong.
Unless it's a rear view mirror, and you're driving a school bus
Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster?
A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.
I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...
...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.
I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"
Breast Feeding
A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his t**... and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up onto the sidewalk, and stopped inches away from a lady with a baby stroller. For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Hey, don't ever do that again. You scared the c**... out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied, "I'm sorry. It's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
A boy was sitting in a bus eating chocolate. The elderly man next to him asked him...
Man : If you eat chocolates young lad, you will spoil your teeth.
Boy : My grandfather lived 110 years.
Man : By eating chocolate?
Boy : No. By minding his own business.
Blondes At The Bus Stop.
Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
A bus pulls up and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside, asking the driver - "will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"
The bus driver shakes his head, "no, I'm sorry, it won't" he says.
The other blonde leans inside and asks, "how about me?"
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with breast implants?
One is a Crusty Bus Station and the other is a b**... crustacean
A little boy is hit by a bus...
...and things are not looking good. So an old lady leans over and says to the boy:
"Son you got hit pretty bad, I know it's hard to hear the truth but I'm afraid you might meet Jesus soon. Would you like to see a priest?"
To which the little boy replies:
"How can you think about s**... in a time like this?"
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby.
The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."
Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
I f**... on the bus today and four people turned around
I felt like I was on the voice.
An Iranian man comes home to his wife
He says :" Honey! Honey! I missed the bus today and chased it all the way home. I saved myself 2 dollars!"
The wife responds: " you idiot! You should've chased the taxi. You could have saved 20 dollars!"
Ugliest baby that I've ever seen
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
On the bus today, I saw an attractive young woman breastfeeding
Suddenly an old woman started shouting, "you shouldn't be doing that in public, that's disgusting!!!".
A part of me wanted to scold the old woman, but another part of me thinks...
"Maybe I shouldn't have been m**... on a bus..."
A woman was breastfeeding in the bus the other day
...And suddenly, this old lady gets up and starts screaming "you can't do that here, have you no shame? in front of everyone???".
Everybody turns around, the old lady keeps screaming, the woman with her baby stands here mortified...
...I had to pull my pants back up and get off the bus...
A bus filled with politicians is speeding down a country road when it swerves into a field and hits a tree.
The farmer who owns the field and tree comes out to investigate. Then he digs a hole and buries the politicians. A few days later the sheriff drives by and sees the bus. He goes and gets the farmer and asks him where the politicians are. He says he buried them. The sheriff asks if they were all dead. The farmer says, "Some of them were but some of them were trying to tell me they weren't. But you know how politicians lie!"
A woman was trying to breastfeed her son in a bus
The kid throws a tantrum and refuses to s**... on his mother's breast. So in a fit, the mother tells her son, "If you don't want this milk, I'm gonna give this to the gentleman beside us."
An hour later, the kid still refused to breastfeed. So she tells her son again, "If you won't breastfeed, I'm really gonna give this to this man beside us!"
Then the guy beside them suddenly interrupted, "Please make up your mind now. My stop was 30 minutes ago."
Don't know if this has been posted here but let's try
Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother.
"Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down."
"Well...How kind of your daddy! You should learn from him."
Johnny then frowned.
"I was sitting on Daddy's lap"
m**... is perfectly normal and healthy . it releases dopamine and reduces stress . improves prostate and cardiovascular health ...
and i still got thrown off the bus
Two women were fighting for the last available seat on the bus.
No amount of reasoning was helping the bus driver resolve the issue. In desperation he grabbed his training manual and announced:
'The policy is to allow the seat to go to the uglier one.'
Both women stood for the remainder of the trip.
Three Little Old Ladies
Three little old ladies were at the bus stop in front of their church when a young man ran up to them and exposed himself. The oldest one had a s**.... The other two couldn't reach.
The police came to my door last night showing me a picture...
"Is this your wife, sir?" they asked.
"Yes", I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
"I know, but she's good with the kids."
Today I saw a sign for a s**... helpline on the back of a bus.
I couldn't help but think, it would work much better on the front.
An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him.
He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared.
Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had s**... with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.
Police Officer - "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus".
Man - "Well, I know. But she's a really good cook and she's great with the kids".
I took the bus home when I was drunk yesterday
Unfortunately they made me give it back today
Two ladies meet up for coffee...
The first lady asks if she came on the bus. The other replies, "Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack."
(I work in a hospital, a patient told me this.)
My grandpa's favorite joke
This works better in my native language, but I am going to do my best to try to translate it effectively.
At the end of a good day's work, an accountant goes home and announces proudly to his wife "Honey, I missed the bus today but I saved $2 by chasing after it all the way home! "
His wife fixes him with a look of pure contempt and says "You fool!! You could have saved $75 if you'd only chased after a cab."
The kindness of strangers
An old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. The driver, being polite, accepts and munches them.
Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful more peanuts.
Driver : Why don't you eat them yourself ?
Old lady : I can't chew them. Look, I have no teeth.
Driver : Then why do you buy them ?
Old lady : Oh, I just love the chocolates around them.
Number 7
Mark dreams number 7.
He wakes up, looks at his watch: it was 7:07.
He looked at the calendar: July 7, 2007.
Decided it was a sign he's taking the bus 77.
Arrive at the track, put $ 7777 on the horse 7 from the 7th race.
The horse comes seventh.
Got Drunk
Went out with some friends last night and tied one on.
Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before.
I took a bus home. I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising
as I have never driven a bus before.
I'm gonna start a company where I drive people around to haunted places.
It'll be called Ghost Bus Tours
Two women were fighting bitterly for the last seat on a bus...
The conductor tried to intervene but it was no use.
Finally, from up the front, the driver said, Just let the ugly one have it!
Both women remained standing for the rest of the trip.
Stutter
An old man walks up to a kid waiting at a bus stop. He says to the boy h-how d-d-do I g-get t-to high st-street? The boy looks at him but doesn't answer. The old man asks the boy a second time, and no answer. By this time, another man came by the bus stop, and gave the directions. Knowing the boy as being a local kid, he says to him "why didn't you give that man directions? Your local you know where it is." The boy replied "d-did you t-think I-I w-wanted m-m-my a-a**... k-k-kicked?
I was at the bar last night...
I was at the bar last night and had a few drinks. I knew it was unsafe to take my car home so I took a bus. This was really difficult for me; I've never driven a bus before.
A woman's closet door what making a terrible sounds whenever a bus was crossing the street outside
So she called a carpenter to check it out.
The carpenter comes to see what's the problem but sees nothing. Right then a bus was crossing the street and a loud creaking sound was heard. He couldn't believe it.
So he told her that he'll be waiting inside the closet to see what is making this noise.
After a few minutes the husband comes home, opens the closet and see a man inside.
He looks at his wife with disgust and back at the man and asks: "what the h**... are you doing in my closet…?"
The carpenter then said "would you believe me if I told you I am waiting for the bus? "
