Bus Jokes

Following is our collection of train puns and tram one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Bus jokes for adults, dirty trolley jokes and clean seat dad gags for kids.

The Best Bus Puns

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I'm paid to travel.

My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I'm a bus driver.

The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

My Tinder bio says I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I'm paid to travel

My dates are always upset when I tell them I'm a bus driver

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, Wow! That could have been me!

Then I remembered I can't drive a bus.

What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?

One's a crustacean, the other's a crushed Asian.


A woman gets on a bus with her baby.

The driver says, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." Stunned, the woman sits down and complains to the man next to her. "I can't believe that rude driver! He was so insulting to me! I have half I mind to tell him off!" The man replies, "You should. Let him have it. Here, I'll hold your monkey for you."

What do you call a black man that's just been hit by a bus?

An ambulance you racist.

Today I gave my seat to a blind lady on the bus,

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

What's the difference in a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants?

Ones a crusty bus station, the others a busty crustacean.

Whenever I see a female bus driver, I'm reminded of how far we have come as a society...

Then I wait for the next bus

A woman is breastfeeding on the bus but struggling to get her baby to suckle....

So she says to her baby

_"Eat up now or I'm going to give it to that nice man over there"_ and points at the man sitting across from her

10 mins later _"You have to eat, baby, or I will give to that man!"_

5 mins later _"Baby come on now, I can't waste this milk so you have to eat or im giving it to that man"_

At this point the gentleman sitting across from her yells

_"FFS Make up your mind lady, my stop was 3 stops ago!"_


I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus and all I could think to myself was, "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection"...

But she did

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he choked on a sock."

Today I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person.

I was also fired from my job as a bus driver, no justice for the kind hearted in this world.

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck...

A bus full of ugly people had a head on collision with a truck. When they died, God granted all of them one wish. The first person said, "I want to be gorgeous." God snapped his fingers and it happened. The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group. God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically. By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground. When the man's turn came, he laughed and said, "I wish they were all ugly again."

My friend told me I don't know what irony is...

Which is ironic, because we were at a bus stop.

Masturbating while looking in a mirror isn't wrong.

Unless it's a rear view mirror, and you're driving a school bus

Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster?

A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

β€Ž...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"


Breast Feeding

A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"

A boy was sitting in a bus eating chocolate. The elderly man next to him asked him...

Man : If you eat chocolates young lad, you will spoil your teeth.

Boy : My grandfather lived 110 years.

Man : By eating chocolate?

Boy : No. By minding his own business.

What is big, yellow and can't swim?

A bus full of children

Blondes At The Bus Stop.

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.

A bus pulls up and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside, asking the driver - "will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"

The bus driver shakes his head, "no, I'm sorry, it won't" he says.

The other blonde leans inside and asks, "how about me?"

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with breast implants?

One is a Crusty Bus Station and the other is a busty crustacean

I'm afraid to die alone.

So I became a bus driver.

What do you call a gay black man on a bus ?

A passenger. You homophobic racist

What happens if Usain Bolt misses his bus?

He waits for it at the next stop.

A little boy is hit by a bus...

...and things are not looking good. So an old lady leans over and says to the boy:

"Son you got hit pretty bad, I know it's hard to hear the truth but I'm afraid you might meet Jesus soon. Would you like to see a priest?"

To which the little boy replies:

"How can you think about sex in a time like this?"

I farted on the bus today and four people turned around

I felt like I was on the voice.

I didn't want to die alone...

So I became a bus driver.

An old woman stopped me and asked

"Excuse me, can you show me how to get to the hospital"?
I said "No problem"
Then I pushed her under a bus

An Iranian man comes home to his wife

He says :" Honey! Honey! I missed the bus today and chased it all the way home. I saved myself 2 dollars!"

The wife responds: " you idiot! You should've chased the taxi. You could have saved 20 dollars!"

My friend told me that I didn't understand how to use irony.

It was really ironic, since we were at the bus stop at the time.

Ugliest baby that I've ever seen

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

On the bus today, I saw an attractive young woman breastfeeding

Suddenly an old woman started shouting, "you shouldn't be doing that in public, that's disgusting!!!".

A part of me wanted to scold the old woman, but another part of me thinks...

"Maybe I shouldn't have been masturbating on a bus..."

Two paedophiles are waiting at a bus stop when an 8 year old girl walks past...

One says to the other, "I bet she was a looker in her day."

A woman was breastfeeding in the bus the other day

...And suddenly, this old lady gets up and starts screaming "you can't do that here, have you no shame? in front of everyone???".

Everybody turns around, the old lady keeps screaming, the woman with her baby stands here mortified...

...I had to pull my pants back up and get off the bus...

I gave up my seat to a blind guy on the bus.

I lost my job.

A woman was trying to breastfeed her son in a bus

The kid throws a tantrum and refuses to suck on his mother's breast. So in a fit, the mother tells her son, "If you don't want this milk, I'm gonna give this to the gentleman beside us."

An hour later, the kid still refused to breastfeed. So she tells her son again, "If you won't breastfeed, I'm really gonna give this to this man beside us!"

Then the guy beside them suddenly interrupted, "Please make up your mind now. My stop was 30 minutes ago."

So the other day, my friend told me that I have no idea what irony meant...

Which was pretty ironic, considering we were at a bus stop.

Don't know if this has been posted here but let's try

Little Johnny came home and ran to his mother.


"Mummy! I was on the bus with Daddy and he made me stand up so a woman could sit down."


"Well...How kind of your daddy! You should learn from him."

Johnny then frowned.


"I was sitting on Daddy's lap"

If you want girls to be running after you

Become a Bus Driver.

Three Little Old Ladies

Three little old ladies were at the bus stop in front of their church when a young man ran up to them and exposed himself. The oldest one had a stroke. The other two couldn't reach.

The police came to my door last night showing me a picture...

"Is this your wife, sir?" they asked.

"Yes", I replied.

"I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

"I know, but she's good with the kids."

Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus.

I couldn't help but think, it would work much better on the front.

How did a bit travel from the CPU to the HDD?

It took the bus.

Police Officer - "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus".

Man - "Well, I know. But she's a really good cook and she's great with the kids".

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him.

He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared.

Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.

I took the bus home when I was drunk yesterday

Unfortunately they made me give it back today

Two ladies meet up for coffee...

The first lady asks if she came on the bus. The other replies, "Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack."

(I work in a hospital, a patient told me this.)

What do you call the white guy on a bus full of black guys?

Coach.

The kindness of strangers

An old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. The driver, being polite, accepts and munches them.

Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful more peanuts.

Driver : Why don't you eat them yourself ?

Old lady : I can't chew them. Look, I have no teeth.

Driver : Then why do you buy them ?

Old lady : Oh, I just love the chocolates around them.

My grandpa's favorite joke

This works better in my native language, but I am going to do my best to try to translate it effectively.

At the end of a good day's work, an accountant goes home and announces proudly to his wife "Honey, I missed the bus today but I saved $2 by chasing after it all the way home! "

His wife fixes him with a look of pure contempt and says "You fool!! You could have saved $75 if you'd only chased after a cab."

3 Big things happened to me today

1) My neighbor said he didn't like me

2) My neighbor got hit by a bus

3) I lost my bus drivers licenseο»Ώ

Number 7

Mark dreams number 7.

He wakes up, looks at his watch: it was 7:07.

He looked at the calendar: July 7, 2007.

Decided it was a sign he's taking the bus 77.

Arrive at the track, put $ 7777 on the horse 7 from the 7th race.

The horse comes seventh.

Got Drunk

Went out with some friends last night and tied one on.
Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before.

I took a bus home. I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising

as I have never driven a bus before.

I'm gonna start a company where I drive people around to haunted places.

It'll be called Ghost Bus Tours

Two women were fighting bitterly for the last seat on a bus...

The conductor tried to intervene but it was no use.

Finally, from up the front, the driver said, Just let the ugly one have it!

Both women remained standing for the rest of the trip.

Stutter

An old man walks up to a kid waiting at a bus stop. He says to the boy h-how d-d-do I g-get t-to high st-street? The boy looks at him but doesn't answer. The old man asks the boy a second time, and no answer. By this time, another man came by the bus stop, and gave the directions. Knowing the boy as being a local kid, he says to him "why didn't you give that man directions? Your local you know where it is." The boy replied "d-did you t-think I-I w-wanted m-m-my a-ass k-k-kicked?

I was at the bar last night...

I was at the bar last night and had a few drinks. I knew it was unsafe to take my car home so I took a bus. This was really difficult for me; I've never driven a bus before.

I had a really sad day today

First - My ex got run over by a bus

Second - I got fired as a bus driver

What's big, yellow, and can't swim?

A bus full of kids

Yesterday I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind man

But I was fired from my job as a bus driver

A woman's closet door what making a terrible sounds whenever a bus was crossing the street outside

So she called a carpenter to check it out.

The carpenter comes to see what's the problem but sees nothing. Right then a bus was crossing the street and a loud creaking sound was heard. He couldn't believe it.

So he told her that he'll be waiting inside the closet to see what is making this noise.

After a few minutes the husband comes home, opens the closet and see a man inside.
He looks at his wife with disgust and back at the man and asks: "what the hell are you doing in my closet…?"

The carpenter then said "would you believe me if I told you I am waiting for the bus? "

The other day, an ex girlfriend of mine was hit by a bus near my house

And I thought to myself "that could've been me"

Then I remembered - I can't drive a bus

Every day as i walk to the bus stop I speak with a 93 year old man with alzheimers who sits on his rocking chair looking over his yard with a concerned expression.

He musters his strength and calls out to me "hey.. have y-you seen m-my wife?" And every day i have to tell him "I'm so sorry.. your wife has passed away 10 years ago". Ive considered not telling him but my mornings always feel better after I see the look of sheer joy on his face.

Guy gets on a city bus...

and sits down next to a really hot girl. The bus bumps and her glass eyes falls out of its socket and the guy catches it. To repay him for catching her eye and due to the awkwardness she invites him to dinner and a movie and after that they went back to the guys house and had great sex! In the morning the guy looks at the girl and asks: "Do you usually hang out and have sex with random strangers"? She replies: "No, You just happened to catch my eye"!

Three children talking to each other...

The 1st kid : "My dad loves cars, so he is a car driver."

The 2nd kid : "My dad loves buses, so he is a bus driver."

The 3rd kid(not sure what his dad loves) : "My dad always screws up,so he is a screwdriver."

The nice old lady..

An old lady always gave the bus conductor cashew nuts and almonds to eat.

Conductor: "So kind of you to give me those nuts to eat everyday. Why don't you eat them yourself?"

Old Lady: "I don't have the teeth to munch them."

Conductor: "Then why do you buy them?"

Old Lady: "I just love the chocolate around them!" :P :P :P

As I was walking home I passed a woman with one breast hanging out of her shirt..

So as to spare her any further embarrassment, I quietly pointed out her chestal indiscretion as I passed.

She looks down and screams "OH MY GOD!! I left the baby on the bus!!!"

A taxi passenger

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me?"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much."

The driver replied, "Sorry, its not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

I gave up my seat on a bus to a blind, old lady today.

Later, I got fired from being a bus driver.

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a voluptuous lobster?

One's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean.

:D

Mum when I was on the bus with Dad

Son: 'Mum when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

I saw a werewolf behind the bus stop last night!

Or a really hairy homeless guy.

Either way, the silver bullet worked!

Confucius Say

Confucius say: Man who run behind bus get exhausted. Man who run in front of bus get tired.

A tour bus is traveling through Nevada...

it briefly passes by the Bunny Ranch in Carson City.

The guide notes, "We are now passing the largest house of legal prostitution in America"

A man in the back shouts, "WHY?!?"

A man is sitting next to woman on a bus

The woman is trying to breastfeed, but the baby refuses to suck on her breast. She warns her child, if you don't start sucking, I'm going to give it to the man next to me , but the baby still refuses.

After 20 minutes, the woman repeats the threat several times to no avail. The man finally clears his throat and says, look here lady, you need to make up your mind, I was supposed to get off 6 bus stops ago!

I was riding the bus when I got tapped on the shoulder…

An old lady says to me, Would you like a nut?

I chuckled and said, Sure, thanks.

A couple of minutes after eating the nut, another tap on the shoulder. Would you like another nut?

Well, after eating a couple more nuts from the old gal I finally turned around and asked her, Why do you have nuts if you keep giving them to me?

She replied, I only like the chocolate around them.

A midget and a man are on a bus

The two of them sit next to each other.

When the next stop comes, the midget falls off of the chair, so the man picks him back up.

Another stop comes, and the midget falls again, and again the man picks him up.

On the third stop he of course falls again and this time, the man says:

"Hold on when we get to a stop, you freaking midget!"

The midget replies:

"Can I please leave the bus? I was supposed to get off two stops ago."

Old lady on the bus

she hands the bus driver some peanuts, to which he says "thank you" and eats them all.

Few moments later she hands him some more peanuts. This time he says "oh no thank you, why don't you eat them". Old lady replies " oh i couldn't possibly do that, I have no teeth you see".

"That's a bit odd, why do you buy them if you can't eat them?" Driver says.

Old lady replies "I only like the chocolate coating"

What does Usain Bolt do when he misses the bus?

He waits at the next station

Tour guide

A tour bus is going through the Highlands when the guide spots a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. He stops the bus and gets out, saying "watch this" and then bangs the sheep.

When he's finished, he zips up and asks "does anyone else want to have a turn?"

Another guy from the tour says "sure, I will" and sticks his head in the fence.

I jumped on the bus, and said, "Two, please."

The driver said, "This is a school bus."

I replied, "I know, and make them good looking."

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning, or possibly just a very hairy guy....

Either way, the silver bullets work.

A bus full of wives going on a picnic

fall into a river and all die.

The husbands saddened cry for a week while one husband continued to cry for more than two weeks.

When asked why he misses his wife so much he replied miserably...

"My wife missed the bus!!"

This St. Patrick's day I drank too much and had to take a bus home.

That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

A man was sobbing next to his ex-wife in the hospital who had just been hit by a bus..

He kept saying "It should have been me... it should have been me" over and over, with tears flowing out of his eyes.

The nurse tried to console him, telling him "Don't be too harsh on yourself. For all you know you couldn't have changed it, even had you been there"

To which he replied : "I guess you're right. After all, I don't even know how to drive a bus"

This was once voted the UK's funniest joke...

A woman and her baby gets on a bus. The driver stops her at the door and says:"you have the ugliest baby I've ever seen!".the woman storms to the back of the bus, fuming. She sits down next to a stranger and says:"that bus driver just insulted me" The stranger then says:" That is absolutely not on! You go and sort him out and I will hold your monkey for you!"

There is an abundance of crustation jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 89 funniest jokes and bus puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any taxi witze you can hear about bus.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes