Bus Jokes

Hilarious puns and funny pick up lines

The other day my friend was telling me i didnt know what irony meant

Which was ironic since we were at a bus stop

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus. I thought to myself, Wow! That could have been me!

Then I remembered I can't drive a bus.

What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?

One's a crustacean, the other's a crushed Asian.

What do you call a black man that's just been hit by a bus?

An ambulance you racist.

I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.
"Fuck off" he shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

10 Catholic priest all die in a bus accident

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St Peter Acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says "If any of you a pedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well fuck off straight to hell right now!".

9 of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.

St Peter calls after them. "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"

Today I gave my seat to a blind lady on the bus,

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

What's the difference in a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants?

Ones a crusty bus station, the others a busty crustacean.

"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably just yogurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt"

Whenever I see a female bus driver, I'm reminded of how far we have come as a society...

Then I wait for the next bus

I was sitting next to this really hot Thai girl on the bus and all I could think to myself was, "Don't get an erection, don't get an erection"...

But she did

So I'm standing at the bus stop, eating a sandwich…

And there's an old lady there with a little chihuahua.
It's constantly jumping at my leg, begging for some sandwich.
I ask the lady,
" Do you mind if I throw your dog a bit?"
" Why no, go ahead", she says, sweetly.
So I threw the yappy little bastard under a bus.

I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver.

I saw a little boy at the bus stop eating a giant chocolate Easter bunny. I said, "Hey kid, eating that much chocolate at one time is bad for you." He looked me in the eye and said, "Well, my grandpa lived to 103."

"Oh, really? Did *he* eat a lot of chocolate?"

"No, he minded his own damn business."

Today I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person.

I was also fired from my job as a bus driver, no justice for the kind hearted in this world.

10 catholic priests all die in a bus accident....

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates, St. Peter acknowledges them.

He sees that they're all priests and immediately says, "If any of you are paedophiles, there's no point waiting here. You might as well fuck off straight to hell right now!"

9 of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.

St. Peter calls after them,

"AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!"

My friend told me I don't know what irony is...

Which is ironic, because we were at a bus stop.

A lady walks down the street with her breast naked

Someone tells her:

"Excuse me, Ms. You shouldn't walk like this with your breast out"

She looks at him. Looks at her breast. Turns back and runs away yelling:

"Fuck! I left my baby in the bus!"


"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket."

"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yogurt."

"It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yogurt."

Saw a dwarf waiting at a bus stop in the rain

"Jump in", I yelled, "I'll give you a lift home". "Fuck off!", he shouted back. 'What an ungrateful bastard' I thought as I zipped up my backpack and kept on walking.

Masturbating while looking in a mirror isn't wrong.

Unless it's a rear view mirror, and you're driving a school bus

Which one is the odd one out; a Crab, a Tuna, a Chinese man run over by a bus or a Lobster?

A tuna, because the rest of them are crustaceans.

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

β€Ž...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

Breast Feeding

A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"

A few days ago, I told a lady on the bus she had semen on the back of her shirt.

She told me, "Probably just some yogurt." Maybe I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure I don't ejaculate yogurt.

A boy was sitting in a bus eating chocolate. The elderly man next to him asked him...

Man : If you eat chocolates young lad, you will spoil your teeth.

Boy : My grandfather lived 110 years.

Man : By eating chocolate?

Boy : No. By minding his own business.

What is big, yellow and can't swim?

A bus full of children

Blondes At The Bus Stop.

Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.

A bus pulls up and opens the door. One of the blondes leans inside, asking the driver - "will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?"

The bus driver shakes his head, "no, I'm sorry, it won't" he says.

The other blonde leans inside and asks, "how about me?"

I wear headphones now when I masturbate.

Its mostly to drown out the voices on the bus; people saying things like, "You should be more responsible, you're the driver." I'm like, "You know what lady, I get your kids to school on time, Monday through Friday."

I'm afraid to die alone.

So I became a bus driver.

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with a boob job?

Ones a rusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!

ahahhahahahahah

I was on a bus when this girl offered to blow me for $5...

...and never being a person to pass up a good deal, I gave her $5 and watched her do her thing. After she was finished she lit up a cigarette and started smoking right there on the bus.

I was disgusted. I thought to myself, "What is this world coming to? Who sells cigarettes to a 12 year old?"

What do you call a gay black man on a bus ?

A passenger. You homophobic racist

What happens if Usain Bolt misses his bus?

He waits for it at the next stop.

A little boy is hit by a bus...

...and things are not looking good. So an old lady leans over and says to the boy:

"Son you got hit pretty bad, I know it's hard to hear the truth but I'm afraid you might meet Jesus soon. Would you like to see a priest?"

To which the little boy replies:

"How can you think about sex in a time like this?"

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus

Lost my job as a bus driver.

My dad went to jail because of his beliefs.

He believed he could masturbate on the bus.

A guy gets on a bus with a pocket full of golf balls...

He sits down next to a blonde who keeps looking at his pants.

After a few minutes of noticing she can't take her eyes off him, he looks at her and says "golf balls."

"What?" The blonde replies.

"It's golf balls," the man responds.

"Oh," says the blonde. "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop today...

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home," I said.

"F*ck you!" he shouted back.

"What an ungrateful little cunt," I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

I saw my dwarf neighbour at a bus stop

Jump in, I'll give you a lift home I said.
Fuck off he shouted back.
What an ungrateful little cunt I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

Blonde and Golf Balls

A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls. He sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply
about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

I farted on the bus today and four people turned around

I felt like I was on the voice.

I didn't want to die alone...

So I became a bus driver.

An old woman stopped me and asked

"Excuse me, can you show me how to get to the hospital"?
I said "No problem"
Then I pushed her under a bus

I was on my way home from work, and saw my midget neighbor waiting for the bus...

I said "hop in, i'll give you a lift!"

He gave me the finger and told me to fuck off.

So I just zipped up my backpack and continued walking.

"Excuse me" I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus

"You have some semen on the back of your jacket."
"I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yogurt."
I replied her "It's definitely semen,
I don't ejaculate yogurt."

An Iranian man comes home to his wife

He says :" Honey! Honey! I missed the bus today and chased it all the way home. I saved myself 2 dollars!"

The wife responds: " you idiot! You should've chased the taxi. You could have saved 20 dollars!"

Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident.

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they're all priests and immediately says, "If any of you did the wrong things with altar boys, there's no point waiting here. You might as well go straight to hell right now!

Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.

St. Peter calls after them, "AND TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YOU TOO!

My friend told me that I didn't understand how to use irony.

It was really ironic, since we were at the bus stop at the time.

Ugliest baby that I've ever seen

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

On the bus today, I saw an attractive young woman breastfeeding

Suddenly an old woman started shouting, "you shouldn't be doing that in public, that's disgusting!!!".

A part of me wanted to scold the old woman, but another part of me thinks...

"Maybe I shouldn't have been masturbating on a bus..."

Two paedophiles are waiting at a bus stop when an 8 year old girl walks past...

One says to the other, "I bet she was a looker in her day."

A woman was breastfeeding in the bus the other day

...And suddenly, this old lady gets up and starts screaming "you can't do that here, have you no shame? in front of everyone???".

Everybody turns around, the old lady keeps screaming, the woman with her baby stands here mortified...

...I had to pull my pants back up and get off the bus...

I gave up my seat to a blind guy on the bus.

I lost my job.

So the other day, my friend told me that I have no idea what irony meant...

Which was pretty ironic, considering we were at a bus stop.

I gave up my seat for a blind man on the bus today

That's how I lost my job as a bus driver

I had such a crap day. First my ex got run over by a bus.

Then I got fired from my job as a bus driver. Ugh.

If you want girls to be running after you

Become a Bus Driver.

A zoophile, a necrophile, a sadist, a masochist, and a pyromaniac....

are all waiting at the bus stop for the bus to take them to the mental institution.

The zoophile says: "I'm bored. Let's fuck a cat!"

The sadist says: "Let's fuck a cat, then kill it!"

The necrophile says: "Let's fuck a cat, kill it, and then fuck it again!"

The pyromaniac says: "Let's fuck a cat, kill it, fuck it again, and then set it on fire!"

The masochist says: "Meow!"

Three Little Old Ladies

Three little old ladies were at the bus stop in front of their church when a young man ran up to them and exposed himself. The oldest one had a stroke. The other two couldn't reach.

I told the woman in front of me on the bus that she had semen on the back of her shirt...

She said "No, its probably yogurt or something." I apologized and explained that no, "I don't ejaculate yogurt." She was furious, but hey, my stop was next, and I had to get off.

The police came to my door last night showing me a picture...

"Is this your wife, sir?" they asked.

"Yes", I replied.

"I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."

"I know, but she's good with the kids."

Today I saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus.

I couldn't help but think, it would work much better on the front.

How did a bit travel from the CPU to the HDD?

It took the bus.

Police Officer - "I'm sorry sir, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus".

Man - "Well, I know. But she's a really good cook and she's great with the kids".

An old man was sitting on a bus. A young man sat down beside him.

He had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, blue and yellow. The old man Just stared.

Every time the young man looked,the old man was staring. The young man finally said sarcastically, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"
Without batting an eye, the old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.

What's the difference between a lobster with big tits and a barnacle covered bus stop?

Ones's a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus station

"I'm sorry sir, it looks like your wife has been hit by a bus"

"Yea, I know, but she takes it up the ass and is good with kids"

what's the difference between an old greyhound bus terminal and a lobster with 36B breasts?

one's a crusty bus station and the other's a busty crustacean

I took the bus home when I was drunk yesterday

Unfortunately they made me give it back today

I saw my dwarf neighbor at the bus stop

"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.
"Fuck off!" He shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued to walk.

I was on the bus with my gf and this smoking hot Thai chick sat next to me. I thought "don't get a boner, don't get a boner."

But she did.

Two ladies meet up for coffee...

The first lady asks if she came on the bus. The other replies, "Yes, but I made it look like an asthma attack."

(I work in a hospital, a patient told me this.)

What do you call the white guy on a bus full of black guys?

Coach.

The kindness of strangers

An old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. The driver, being polite, accepts and munches them.

Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful more peanuts.

Driver : Why don't you eat them yourself ?

Old lady : I can't chew them. Look, I have no teeth.

Driver : Then why do you buy them ?

Old lady : Oh, I just love the chocolates around them.

I tried to share a subway sandwich with a homeless man on the bus.

He kept telling me to fuck off and get my own.

My grandpa's favorite joke

This works better in my native language, but I am going to do my best to try to translate it effectively.

At the end of a good day's work, an accountant goes home and announces proudly to his wife "Honey, I missed the bus today but I saved $2 by chasing after it all the way home! "

His wife fixes him with a look of pure contempt and says "You fool!! You could have saved $75 if you'd only chased after a cab."

3 Big things happened to me today

1) My neighbor said he didn't like me

2) My neighbor got hit by a bus

3) I lost my bus drivers licenseο»Ώ

Number 7

Mark dreams number 7.

He wakes up, looks at his watch: it was 7:07.

He looked at the calendar: July 7, 2007.

Decided it was a sign he's taking the bus 77.

Arrive at the track, put $ 7777 on the horse 7 from the 7th race.

The horse comes seventh.

Got Drunk

Went out with some friends last night and tied one on.
Knowing that I was wasted, I did something that I have never done before.

I took a bus home. I arrived home safe and warm, which seemed really surprising

as I have never driven a bus before.

I'm gonna start a company where I drive people around to haunted places.

It'll be called Ghost Bus Tours

Two women were fighting bitterly for the last seat on a bus...

The conductor tried to intervene but it was no use.

Finally, from up the front, the driver said, Just let the ugly one have it!

Both women remained standing for the rest of the trip.

Stutter

An old man walks up to a kid waiting at a bus stop. He says to the boy h-how d-d-do I g-get t-to high st-street? The boy looks at him but doesn't answer. The old man asks the boy a second time, and no answer. By this time, another man came by the bus stop, and gave the directions. Knowing the boy as being a local kid, he says to him "why didn't you give that man directions? Your local you know where it is." The boy replied "d-did you t-think I-I w-wanted m-m-my a-ass k-k-kicked?

Saw my ex girlfriend getting beaten up by 5 guys at a bus stop, so as a human being I had to step in and help...

She didn't stand a chance against the 6 of usο»Ώ

A woman was breastfeeding on the bus today

Suddenly, an old lady started yelling "how dare you do this in public!!", she kept on screaming and screaming, like "that's disgusting", "what a disgrace" etc...

In hindsight, it probably wasn't the time or place for a wank.

I was at the bar last night...

I was at the bar last night and had a few drinks. I knew it was unsafe to take my car home so I took a bus. This was really difficult for me; I've never driven a bus before.

I had a really sad day today

First - My ex got run over by a bus

Second - I got fired as a bus driver

What's big, yellow, and can't swim?

A bus full of kids

Yesterday I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind man

But I was fired from my job as a bus driver

What are the funniest bus jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Bus? Well, here are the best Bus puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Bus pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes