bursts Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious bursts puns

A blonde and her husband are watching the news...

News: A Brazilian man died while skydiving when his parachute didn't open.

The blonde bursts into tears

Husband (comforting her): I know it's sad, but people need to know that there's a risk while skydiving.

Blonde: But that's a lot of people. How many is a Brazilian?

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"Sir we're mining too many useless minerals."

Hitler: "Mine less then."
*grammar nazi bursts in*

"Mine fewer"

*Hitler looks over* "Yes?"

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A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years

The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening, there was a thunderstorm, and lightning hits the straight tree. It shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bursts out laughing, and says "Who's the faggot now?"

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A cowboy rides in to town

A cowboy rides in to town on his horse and ropes it in front of a canteen. After a few hours of drinking he walks out and finds that his horse is missing. The cowboy turns around and bursts in to the canteen. Seeing the cowboy pissed as Hell the place goes quiet. The cowboy looks around and with a deadly calm says, "I'm going to count to three. If I get to three, I'm going to do what I did in the Winter of 76'." The whole bar freezes in terror at the cowboy.

"**ONE**"

No one moves a muscle.

"**TWO**"""

Everyone's extremely nervous at this point.

"**READY OR NOT.... THR--**"

All of a sudden someone in the back stands up and says, "Hold on buddy! It was just a joke! your horse is in the back alley!" The cowboy smiles and starts to leave the canteen. The same guy who stood up calls out, "Hey! I just gotta know, what happened in the Winter of '76???" The cowboy turns around and says to him, "I had to walk home."

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Hitler on mining

"Sir, we are mining too many useless ores"

[Hitler rubs chin]

"So mine less"

[Grammar Nazi bursts through the door]

"MINE FEWER!"

[Hitler looks up]

"Yes?"

πŸ‘πŸΌ

Grammar Nazi.

"Sir, we are mining too many useless cores"
[Hitler rubs chin]
"So, mine less.
[Grammar Nazi bursts through the door]
"MINE FEWER!"
[Hitler looks up]
"Yes, soldier?"

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GRANPA, GRANPA CROAK LIKE A FROG

Β 

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa.Β  When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room.Β  "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

Β 

"What?" said her Grandpa.

Β 

"Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!

Β 

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A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex...

A father and his 6-year-old son are walking down the street, and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are they doing?"

The father, not wanting to lie to his son, says "they're just making a puppy."

"OK" says the son, and the father is relieved that he doesn't probe further.

The next day, the son bursts into his parents' room and sees them having sex. The father jumps up and quickly covers himself. Knowing he's in for an interesting talk, walks downstairs with him and they sit at the dining room table. His son asks him "Daddy, what were you and mommy doing?"

Again, wanting to be honest with his son, he says "me and mommy were making a baby."

His son pauses for a moment, thinking, and then replies "flip mommy over, I want a puppy!"

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A man wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun bursts through the door of a bank

"Go to the back and give me everything you've got!" the man says.

The woman replies, "Sir, this is a mistake, this is a SPERM bank."

"I don't give a shit, you go get me what I told you!"

The woman goes to the back and comes out carrying a tray full of sperm samples..

"Open one of those samples!"

The woman takes the lid off a sample.

"DRINK ONE!"

"Excuse me? You want me to drink it?"

"Yeah, drink it now!"

The woman, frightened, picks up the sample and drinks it down. The man then removes his ski mask and says:

"You see you can do it Wendy, you just don't want to."

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"Sir, we're mining too many useless mineral ores."

Hitler: "Mine less, then."

Grammar Nazi bursts in: "MINE FEWER."

Hitler looks over: "Yes?"

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Vacation in Jamaica

Lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Β Upon arriving, she meets a black
man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, 'What
is your name?'

'I can't tell you,' the black Β man says.

Every night they meet and every night Β she asks him again what his
name is, and he always responds the same, he can't tell her. On her
last Β night there she asks again 'Can you please tell me your name?'

'I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me.' says the black Β man.

'There is no reason for me to laugh at you,' Β the lady says.
'Fine, my name is Snow!' Β the Β black man replies. And the lady bursts
into laughter, and the black man gets mad and Β says, ' I knew you
would make fun of it'.

The Β lady replied, 'I'm not making fun of your name. I'm Β thinking of
my husband who won't believe me when I Β tell him that I enjoyed 10 inches
of Snow every day in Β Jamaica.πŸ’ƒπŸ—»πŸ†

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A mom buys an old parrot from a whorehouse..

A mom buys an old parrot in a whorehouse and proceeds to bring it home for the family to enjoy their new pet.

As she brings the parrot inside the house the parrot says "ah, new house!" and she bursts in laughter.

Later that day, the daughters arrive from school and promptly the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes!" and they all burst in laughter.

Some time goes by, and after a long day of work the dad finally arrives home, and without wasting time, the parrot says "ah, new house, new prostitutes, same old customers. Good night Mr. Williams"

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Bank robbery

A woman works in a sperm bank, and is at the front desk one day, when a man in a balaclava bursts in, brandishing a shotgun.

"Open the safe!" he demands.

"I don't think you understand", she explains, "this is a *sperm* bank, there's no money here"

"Just do it!" he shouts, pointing his gun at her. She complies, and opens one of the large refrigerator units behind her. "Take out one of those jars!" screams the robber. She takes out a jar.

"Now! Drink it!" he demands. Terrified, the woman complies and drinks the contents of the jar. "Now drink another!" shouts the robber. Again, she complies, for fear of her life. "Now another!" he shouts. Once more, she drinks from one of the jars.

At this point, the robber whips off his balaclava and it's the woman's husband.

"See? It's not that fucking hard, is it?" he shouts.

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How many Fingers ?

A blonde gets knocked off her bike and takes a nasty whack to the head.

A paramedic rushes over to check her for injuries. "How many fingers have I got up?"

She suddenly bursts into tears. "Fuck me, I'm a paralysed from the waist down, I can't feel any"

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Chickens react to Easter Eggs

Some farmer's kids are painting eggs for Easter. One looks up and says, "Hey, how do you think the chickens would act around these?"

"I don't know," says the other. "Let's find out!"

They go into the chicken coop, steal the fresh eggs and replace them with the colorful eggs. The kids step out and watch.

The hens come in and nothing, they go about their business.

The rooster struts in, sees the eggs, and has a fit. He bursts out of the coop, storms across the farmyard, and beats the hell out of the peacock.

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A man bursts into a sperm bank, wearing a mask and weilding a gun.

He goes to the woman behind the counter, puts the gun in her face and screams "OPEN THE VAULT!" She timidly stammers, "Sir, this is a sperm bank. There's no money..." He cocks the gun and screams, "I SAID OPEN IT!!!" She reluctantly leads him to the big freezer, "see" she says, "it's just test tubes and specimens." "DRINK ONE!" shouts the gunman. "Well, sir... I Never..." stammers the clerk. BANG! He fires a shot into the ceiling. So, she opens the bottle and drinks the contents. The gunman takes of his mask, it's her husband! He says, "Now, was that So bad?"

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A virgin nun gets pregnant....

And she's sure it's not a miracle pregnancy so she bursts into the priests chambers and yells out "which of you fuckers has been wanking on the candles?"

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A man bursts into a doctor's office...

...and is frantically looking for the doctor. Finally he finds him in one of the rooms but he is with someone. Still, the man shouts out, "Doctor! Doctor, you have to help me. I think I'm shrinking!"

And the doctor says, "Now, now. You'll just have to be a little patient."

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A Turtle,Hippo, and Zebra are told to tell a joke to a Lion....

The Lion tells the three animals if he doesnt laugh at their jokes then he will kill them

The Turtle steps up and tells his joke, the Lion doesn't laugh, so he kills the Turtle

The Hippo, nervous, steps up and tells his joke, the Lion doesn't laugh, so he kills the Hippo

The Zebra, completely scared to death, steps up and tells his joke, the Lion bursts into uncontrollable laughter

"Did you really find my joke funny?"

The Lion responds, "No, I just finally got the joke the Turtle told me."

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Sexual harassment

The supervisor of a local firm is startled when his secretary bursts into his office to file a complaint of sexual harassment against a man working in the same department. "What on earth did he do?", asks the boss. "It's not what he did but what he said!", the secretary shrieks. "He said my hair smelt nice!". "And what is so wrong with him telling you that?", asks the boss. "He's a midget" ,huffs the woman.

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A man walks into an Irish pub...

...sits down at the bar and orders a pint. A man in the corner of the bar stands up and yells "42!" The whole bar bursts into laughter. The man at the bar looks around in utter confusion. As the bar tender hands over the pint to the man, an old fellow sitting next to him screams out "61" and again the bar roars with laughter. Finally, the man at the bar asks the bartender about the numbers. The bartender says "The Irish, do this thing where we associate numbers with old Irish jokes. Go ahead yell a number out." So the man stands up and yells out, "147!" and with that the whole bar falls on the floor crying laughing. People are rolling around and some can't even breathe. In absolute disbelief the man asks, "Okay, what the hell was so funny about that one?" The bartender wipes away his tears and says, "We haven't heard that one before!"

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Knock Knock! Who's there?

It's Dave!

Dave who?

Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

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A masked thief bursts into a bank...

As he climbs over the counter his balaclava catches and comes off for a second, before he quickly puts it back on.

The thief says to the cashier "did you see my face?", the cashier says "yes, I did!". Then the thief shoots her dead.

The thief then goes up to a customer and says "did you see my face?", the customer says "yes", then the robber shoots him right in the head.

The thief then runs up to a couple and says to the man "did you see my face?", then man says "no, but my wife did!".

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A man comes home from work...

and sits down in his most comfortable chair, kicks back, turns on the tv and yells to his wife. "Quick, grab me a beer before it starts!". The wife comes over and sets a beer down and walks away when a minute later he yells again, "Quick, grab another beer before it starts!" The wife hesitates but brings a beer over. He slams the beer and says, "Quick, grab me another before it starts!". The wife, fed up with this bursts out, " I'm sick of this! You come home and sit your ass down and start ordering me around...". When the man interrupts, "Damn. It started."

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Rupert Grint bursts into the room, "Mum, I just got a part in the Harry Potter movie!"

"Serious?"

"No, Ron."

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Knock knock

Knock Knock!
Who's there?
It's Dave!
Dave who?

Dave bursts into tears, realizing that his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she no longer remembers him.

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The pharmacist

Peter walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store.

The next day he comes in again, buys condoms, and walks out laughing.

Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back.

Sure enough, Peter comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

So did you follow him? asks pharmacist

Yup.

Where did he go?

Your house.

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A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all pregnant, are in the waiting room for the OB/GYN....

The brunette says "I was on top, so I'm gonna have a boy."

The redhead says "I was on the bottom, so I'm gonna have a girl."

The blonde bursts into tears and says, "I'm gonna have puppies!"

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Wrong side (nsfw)

This really tough Hells - Angel type bursts into a bar and goes to the middle of the bar, he orders a beer, gulps it down, turns to the people on the left and grows "All you people over there are a bunch of cocksuckers !" he gets a second beer, gulps that down, turns to the people on the right and growls "Your a bunch of stupid mother fuckers." all is still for a moment until a guy from the right side moves. The Hells - Angel says "where the fuck you going?" the guy says "I'm on the wrong side of the bar."

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3 guys walk into the jungle

They are found by a group of natives and are brought back to the chief.
The chief says, "I will let you go, but only if you bring back 10 if the same kind of fruit."
The first guy comes back with 10 apples.
The chief says, "Now you can go, but only if you can fit all of them in your butt without making a sound."
He makes it to 2 before crying out in pain.
The second guy comes back with 10 grapes. The chief tells him the same thing.
He only makes it to 9 grapes before he bursts out in laughter.
In heaven, the first guy asks the second why he started laughing.
The second guy replies, "I saw the other guy coming back with 10 pineapples."

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A man bursts into his bedroom, holding a duck....

He is clearly drunk, his wife notices as she wakes up.

"This is the pig I fuck when you've got a headache!" he screams.

"That's a duck, dumbass," his wife replies.

He tells her, "I was talking to the duck!"

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A teacher reminds her class for tomorrow's exam

A teacher reminds her class of the yearly test tomorrow.

"And remember class, there is no excuse for missing the test tomorrow, not a hurricane, not a funeral, not a nuclear attack, nothing!"

Little Johnny in the corner then pipes up and says

"What would happen if I came into class suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?

The whole class bursts into laughter. The teacher walks up to Johnny and smiles and says

"I'd guess you'd have to write the test left-handed."

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A blonde, a brunette, and a red head

Are all sitting in the waiting area of the ob/gyn. The brunette says, "I heard if he's on top you're going to have a boy." The red head says, "well I heard if she's on top you're going to have a girl."

The blonde bursts into tears. The other two rush to her asking what's wrong.

Through tears and sobs she says, "I'm going to have puppies".

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Soup

An old man and his wife are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the old lady bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super pussy!" And the old man says, "I'll have the soup.

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Trump and Putin...

...get cryogenically frozen after their respective deaths, and are re-woken 200 years later.

They decide to take a walk through the city together. Suddenly, Putin stops and bursts out laughing, pointing at the headline at a newsstand: "USA in worst financial crisis in history"

They walk on through the futuristic city, when Putin once again bursts out into laughter pointing at the headline of another newsstand: "EU votes against fourth humanisitic intervention in US-Crisis"

Trump is pretty downcast. They decide to finish their walk, when suddenly it is Trump who is crying from laughter pointing at yet another newsstand: "Skirmishes at German-Chinese border continue"

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As a plane flies over the Atlantic an engine bursts...

The pilot gets on the intercom and says "Attention Passengers, please stay calm. We appear to be having minor engine problems, and in order to assure a safe, non-water landing, we have to ditch all non necessary weight"

So all the plane's drink carts and excess cargo and such is dumped, and the pilot returns to studying his gauges. After about a half hour, he realizes that the plane will not make a safe landing without losing more weight, so he turns on the intercom once more. "Attention passengers and crew. Unfortunately the engine trouble is more severe than previously anticipated, and we must lose more weight. So I regret to inform you that we will now be kicking off passengers until the plane's safety is assured. Now to make sure that this is fair, I have decided the people to leave will be alphabetical, ABC"s. So first will be the African-Americans, then the Blacks, followed by the colored..."

As the announcement ended, a small black child looked up at his father and asked "Daddy, does that mean us?" And the father looked down at his child, smiled, and replied "Son, today we niggas!"

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Two dudes are walking down a street ...

... in the red-light district of amsterdam. They reach a show window with two women on a bed, a gorgeous brunette is pleasing a blonde with huge tits. When the brunette throws a lusting look at the guys, one of them bursts into laughter.
The other, extremely puzzled asks the first one: "Dude, what the fuck?"
and the other one replies: "Don't you get it?! Its literally pretty fucking stupid..."

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In biology class, the teacher draws a cucumber on the blackboard:

"Children, could someone tell me what is this?"
Johny raises his hand: "It's a dick, teacher!"
The teacher bursts into tears and runs out. Shortly, the principal rushes in:
"All right, what did you do now? Which one of you brought your teacher to tears? And who the hell drew that dick on the blackboard?"

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Some friends go to a bar...

When they enter they see a small stage with a donkey standing on top of it. One man asks the bar owner:

"Why is there a donkey on your stage?" The Bar owner replies, "I'm willing to give any man $200 to make that donkey laugh"

The man thinks for a second, goes to the stage and whispers into the donkey's ear. Instantly the donkey bursts into laughter, and laughs all night long even after the friends leave.

A week later the friends come back to the bar and the donkey is still laughing uncontrollably. The bar owner runs up and asks:

"Hey buddy, what the hell did you say to that donkey? He is still laughing. I'll tell you what, you can have $200 dollars to make him cry."

The man walks on stage, takes the donkey behind the stage and when he brings the donkey back, the donkey is bawling. Crying like never before. The bar owner gives up $200 and asks: "You've got to tell how you made him laugh." The man says, "Well I told him I have a bigger penis than him." The bar owner replies, "Fair enough, how'd you make him cry?"

The man then says: "I proved it."

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A drunk man is walking home from the bar...

and he is walking up the driveway when a robber bursts out of the house with a bag of jewelry. The man is surprised at first, but then he chases and tackles the robber

"Please don't hurt me man! Let me go, I have a family to feed!"

The man pauses, and then says,"Alright, I will let you go with the jewelry if you tell me one thing."

"Great! What do you want me to tell you?"

"How the hell did you get in the house without waking my wife up!?"

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A little boy walks in on his parents having sex

Confused he asks his parents what they're doing. Without missing a beat his dad tells him he's making him a little sister and he has to go play in the back yard.

The boy wanders outside and see's the neighbours dogs having sex. He asks the neighbour what they're doing and the neighbour explains they're making puppies.

The little boy runs back in and bursts into his parents room yelling DAD! Flip her over I'd rather have a puppy!

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People on a plane

Bill Gates, Tony Blair, an old man and a schoolchild are on a plane, when the pilot bursts out of the cabin

"The plane is about to crash, and there are only four parachutes. And one of them is mine!"
The pilot jumps out of the plane with the parachute

Tony Blair stands up, grabs a parachute and says
"I was Prime Minister of the UK, I deserve to live!"
He jumps out of the plane

Bill Gates stands up and says
"I am the smartest man alive, I should survive"
He grabs a parachute and jumps out

The old man turns to the child and says
"There is only one parachute left, I am old and have lived my life, you take it"

The child replies
"No need, Bill Gates just jumped out with my backpack"

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Guy bursts into a dentist's office

Guy bursts into a dentist's office and says "HEY, listen here buddy, you have to help me NOW: my teeth are SO sensitive they can sense impending EARTHQUAKES" the dentist looked at him sternly for a moment and said "you've got some nerve"

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Prisoners are telling jokes

and because they heard all jokes a lot of times, they only say number of certain joke.
"Number 256" says first inmate as the rest of them laughs.
"Number 145" says second one as the rest bursts in laughs.
"Number 323" ,and while all laughs and and get ready to hear the next,one one guy is laughing a lot longer then rest.
Everyone is looking at him when someone ask him why he laughs so much.
He replies:"It's the first time i heard this one ".

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Studies show that 6 in 10 people suffer from sudden bursts of anger.

The other 4 are FUCKING WANKERS.

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Ooops

Joe bursts into a house with great urgency

Joe: "Mom! I just saw dad doing something with the neighbor lady!" exclaimed Joe

Mom: "What is that?"

Joe: "She was kneeling in front of him, and he was pushing that...thing into her mouth"

Mom: "Well, how about you tell that to everybody at the party tonight" said mom coyly.

Later that evening at the party:

Joe: "I have something to say to all of you. Earlier today I saw my dad pushing his....Mom, what is it called, the thing that mailman always pushes in your mouth?"

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Sperm Bank Robbery

A woman is working the desk at a sperm bank. Suddenly, a man wearing a ski mask and carrying a handgun bursts through the door and points his gun at the woman.

"Go to the back and give me everything you've got!" the man says.

The woman replies, "Sir, this is a SPERM bank."

"I don't give a shit, you go get me what I told you!"

The woman goes to the back and comes out carrying a tray full of sperm samples. She sets them on the counter and turns to go back and retrieve more.

"Sit your ass down!" the man screams. "Open one of those samples!"

The woman takes the lid off a sample.

"DRINK ONE!"

"Excuse me? You want me to drink it? That's disgusting."

"Bitch, I WILL FUCKING SHOOT YOU! Drink it now!"

The woman, frightened, picks up the sample and drinks it down. The man then removes his ski mask, revealing that he is the husband of the woman working the desk.

He looks his wife straight in the eyes and says, "It's not that fucking hard, now is it?"

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so many poor jokes, where to begin?

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead, all heavily pregnant, are waiting for a scan; the brunette says 'I was on top, so I'm going to have a bay', the redhead responds with 'I was on the bottom, so I'm going to have a girl', at which point the blonde bursts into tears. The other two manage to calm her down, and ask what is wrong? 'I'm going to have puppies!'

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An elderly woman is holding a funeral for her recently deceased husband

After the viewing, she discusses how kind and honest of a man her husband was, how she was so sad to see him go, and she bursts into tears.

Her nephew, after consoling his mourning aunt , asks May I say a word .

Through tears she says, Of course

He takes a moment and says Plethora .

His aunt, wiping her eyes, says Thank you, that means a lot.

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Batman and his girlfriend's birthday present.

Batman and his girlfriend debating as to what should be her birthday present.

"I know what. The other day I had a chat with Lois Lane and you know what Superman got her as a pressie? says his partner.

"Tell me, sugarplum!

She whispers it into his ears. Batman blushes and says:

"No way, I can't do that...

"Please, just this once!

"You know full well that I can't...

"Please! Pretty please!

Batman loses it and bursts out indignantly:

"I couldn't give a flying fuck!

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Rorschach's Joke

**Rorschach's Journal August 24, 2012**

I heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life is harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go see him. That should pick you up." Man bursts into tears. Says, "But doctor... I am Pagliacci." Good joke.

**Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains.**

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A man walks in a bar

and see's an elephant sat in the corner. He walks up to the barman and asks" whats the deal with the elephant". The barman replies " if you can make him laugh i'll give you Β£500". the man walks over to the elephant and whispers somthing in his ear. The elephant imediatly bursts into laughter. The man walks over to the barman gets his Β£500 quid and leaves. A week later the man walks back in the bar and asks the bartender if its the same deal with the elephant, to which the bartender replies" no this time i'll give you Β£500 quid if you can make him cry". The man then walks over to the elephant stands in front of it out of the view of the bartender. The elephant then just bursts out in tears. As the man walks back to the bar to get his money the bartender say " look mate i just need to know how you did it" to which the man replies" the first time i came in I whispered in his ear, I have a bigger dick than you. the second time I came in I proved it"

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A man bursts into a talent agents office and says

I have a great act for you, 'I can sing out of my arse'
'You can sing out if your arse' exclaims the talent agent. 'I have to see this!'
So the man climbs up on the agents desk, drops his pants and proceeds to drop a big turd, in the middle of the desk.
The talent agent is furious, 'I thought you said you could sing out if your arse!!'
The man replies' yeah, I was just clearing my throat'

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A man comes home from a hard day's work at the local morgue...

He says to his wife, "You'll never guess what I saw at work today, honey! Some dude just laying on the slab there. Guy had a fucking 12-inch cock, and it was thick as a beer can. Holy shit!"

His wife bursts into tears. "Oh my God! Fred's dead!?"

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So it's an old man's 99th birthday...

...and his caretakers decide to hire a prostitute for him. So they find one who's into old guys and set it all up. She bursts into the old man's room, all sexed up and looking great. She walks up to him and seductively says: "Tonight, I'm going to give you some SUPER sex."

The old man looks at her and says, feebly: "... I'll take the soup!"

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A girl asks her dad if she can have a friend stay the night.

The dad agrees and drives the gril to pick her friend up. Later, as the dad is getting ready for bed, he hears the girls playing Truth or Dare. Listening in, he hears the friend ask "When was the last time you've had an orgasm?". The girl replies "Three days ago". Furious, the dad bursts into the bedroom and yells "I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING IT LAST NIGHT"

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This is the worst joke I've ever told, and I think it's hilarious. Am I really alone?

A woman bursts into a doctor's office and says, "Doctor! I'm having a panic attack!"

The doctor looks at her and says, "Calm down."

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Adam and his cousin Billie went out to the mall together.

While they were in the mall, they both ran into a cute girl named Jean. Both of them talked a bit to her, and both ended up with her number.

Billie and Jean became good friends, and he even had a crush on her. However, his cousin Adam had her as a fuck buddy which Billie was unaware of.

One night Jean texted Billie saying "Hey, I'm pregnant and it is your cousin's." Billie then bursts into Adam's room confronting him and expressing anger saying that he loved her. Adam turned to his cousin and said "Billie, Jean is not my lover, she's just a girl who claims that I am the one, but the kid is not my son."

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Little Johny and the Pickle

Little Johny is sitting in the back of the classroom when the teacher draws a pickle on the blackboard and asks the class to tell her what it is. Naturally, Little Johny's hand shoots into the air. Just as naturally, the teacher ignores him because the teacher has had enough of Little Johny's antics for one lifetime. Little Johny is not to be denied, however, and yells out "I know what that is, teacher! It's a penis!"

The teacher just stares at Little Johny, then bursts out in tears and runs from the classroom.

The class is stunned and starts quietly discussing what happened when the principal storms in and goes on a tear. "Alright you little shits! Your teacher was just in my office sobbing, just like she's done every day this week! Which one of you upset her today? And who the fuck drew that penis on the blackboard?"

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A cowboy walks into a bar...

And orders a beer. He drinks it, pays the bartender and walks out. 3 seconds later he bursts back in and yells "WHICH ONE OF YOU STOLE MAH HOSS!?". There's no reply. " AH'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHER BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T OUTSIDE WHEN I'M FINISHED, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!". He has his second beer, walks outside and sees his horse hitched back up outside the bar. As he gets up on to the horse, the bartender wanders out and asks, "Say, pardner, what *did* you do in Texas?". To which the cowboy replies, " I had to bloody walk home".

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1st thing to do when you win the lottery

A man bursts through his front door with a look of excitement on his face. He runs to his wife.

"Honey, pack your bags. I just won the lottery!" he exclaims.

"Oh, that's wonderful!" she claps her hands, "where are we going?"

"I don't care where you go, just make sure you're out of here by tomorrow morning."

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Two missionaries...

Were in a foreign country, when their captured by a group of cannibal. So the cannibals put the missionaries in a big cauldron filled with water over a fire to boil. The two missionaries are sitting in the cauldron when one of them bursts out laughing. The other one looks at him and says " look, we're about to be eaten, due to the seismic activity I've noticed there's going to be a massive earthquake here in about a day, and with the tidal movements a tidial wave will hit shortly after the earthquake, if we get somehow manage to get out of this our boss will skin us. But we're going to be boiled to death before any of that can happen. So I submit to you this is not the time to laugh." The other missionary smiles and says giggling " I peed in the soup."

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In Soviet Russia, a Judge bursts into his chambers laughing

*"I've just heard the funniest joke about Stalin... ever!"*

*"Well, go ahead and tell us."*, the other Judges ask.

*"I can't. I just gave someone a life sentence for it."*

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The Bacon Tree

The year is 1541 and the French have just begun colonization in North America. Young Jean-Luc is in his newly crafted home when suddenly his friend Jean-Pierre bursts through his front door. 'Jean Luc!' he exclaims. 'You weel nevar believe! I 'ave 'eard word of a bacon tree!'. Jean-Luc looks confused and scoffs 'Imposseeble! You cannot grow BaycON on a tree!'. 'Come! And I weel show you ze bacon tree!'. So Jean-Luc & Jean-Pierre set off down the river, with Jean-pierre providing direction to the enigmatic 'bacon tree'. Finally, they pulled over onto a small beach that lead to a large forest. 'Stay 'ere and watch ze canoe, and I weel bring ze bacon back from ze bacon tree!' said John-Pierre. Hours go by and John-Pierre hasn't returned. As night falls, and Jean-Luc is about to enter the forest to look for his friend, he hears a rustling in the nearby brush, to which Jean-Pierre stumbles out, bloody and with arrows through his legs and arms. 'Jean-Pierre! What 'appened!!' exclaimed Jean-luc. 'Turns out it was not a bacOn tree.....it was an 'AMBUSH!!!'

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An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night

when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."

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A Father and his Son are sitting in the grass in the park..

The young boy asks his father, "Dad, Dave's Father always makes the funniest jokes.. How come you don't do that?"

The father replies to the son, "What are you talking about, Jim? I Made you?"

The boy runs off home where he then runs into his mother's arms and bursts into tears.

"What's wrong, honey?" The mother asks her beloved little boy.

"I asked dad why he never makes funny jokes like Dave's dad." He said. "And he told me that I was wrong because he made me."

She began to comfort him "Oh honey, that man is just cranky because he didn't get the raise he wanted."

"And for the record, you were right.. Dave's Dad *does* make the best jokes..."

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A man was complaining to his doctor how his wife ended up pregnant.

"We were always using condoms diligently, I don't get it"

Doctor takes a look at the guy and he seems a bit daft so he asks him "well, why don't you show me how you use 'em?"

The man takes a condom out of his wallet, unwraps it and swallows it like a pill.

Doctor bursts in laughter, "no, my good man, you're supposed to put that on your penis!"

The guy just stares suprised and says "ooooh, thats why my shit was comming out bagged for the last three months!"

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GRANPA, GRANPA CROAK LIKE A FROG

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa. When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room. "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said her Grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog because my mom said that as soon as you croak, we're all going to Disney World!

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Little man in a bar, staring sadly at a shotglass for hours.

A big burly guy comes in, slaps him on the back, and downs the shot in a single gulp. The little guy bursts into tears.

"Hey, calm down, man, it was just a joke," says the big guy. "Look, I'll buy you another drink."

"No, you don't understand!" blubbers the little guy, struggling to keep it together. "I'm having the worst day of my life! Today at work, I flubbed a big sales deal. The boss chewed me out in front of the whole company and fired me on the spot. I came home early to find my wife in bed with another man. And just when I had decided to end it all, you went and drank my poison!"

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Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but

A weeping woman bursts into her hypnotherapist's office and declares, Doctor, I have been faithful to my husband for 15 years, but yesterday 
I broke that trust and had an affair! The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!

The hypnotherapist shakes his head. Not again …

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A Korean soccer player goes to the doctor

The doctor says "How can I help you?"

"One of my balls is sore and swollen. It's much bigger than the other one."

Doctor: "Show me"

"No, you'll laugh at me."

Doctor: "I see this stuff all the time. Let me have a look."

"Ok but only if you promise not to laugh."

Doctor: "I promise. Really."

So the korean soccer player puts his hands down his pants and pulls out a huge testicle and flops it on the table."

The doctor can't help himself and bursts out laughing.

The soccer player is distraught. He says "I'm not going to show you the big one now."

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An original.

The casting of the movie Grease was a slow process. They'd soon found their Sandy in Olivia Newton-John, but they just couldn't find someone to play Danny.

After weeks of Olivia reading lines with various actors and failing to have any chemistry with them the movie looked like it could be a flop until a casting agent bursts in.

'I've found our Danny' he cried.

Olivia replied, 'who is he?'

'John somebody, I can't remember his surname, but he says he knows you'

It was not much of a clue as Olivia knew ten John's.

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My grandfathers favorite joke..

In a biology class, the teacher draws a cucumber on the blackboard. "Now class, who can tell me what this is?" Vovochka raises his hand. "It's a dick, Mariavanna!" The teacher bursts into tears and runs out of the class. Moments later, the principal angrily barges in. "Alright, which one of you did it? Who made Maria Ivanovna cry? And who the hell drew that dick on the blackboard?

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Three men are captured by criminals

The criminal's leader says that if the men can go into the jungle and find 10 of the same fruit they would be freed.

So they go into the jungle. The first man comes back with apples and was told by the leader that if he could shove all his fruits up his butt without wincing or making faces they would be freed. So the man shoves the first one up and then a second one accept he winced so they killed him.

The second man comes in with berries. He's all the way to 8 when he bursts out laughing and is killed.

In heaven the first man asks the second man "why did you burst out laughing you could of made it?"

The second man replies "I couldn't help it I saw the third guy come into the clearing with pineapples.

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A blonde, a red head and a brunette are at the OB-GYN...

..the read head says to the brunette, "I'm having a boy because he was on top.", The brunette says, "I'm having a girl, because I was on top." They both turn to the blonde and ask her, "What are you having?" The blond suddenly bursts into tears. "Oh, honey." they say, "What's the matter?" The blonde looks at them and says, "I'm having puppies!"

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Grammar Fuhrer

One of Hitler's assistants says to him one day, "Sir, we're mining too many useless ores."

Hitler replies, "Well, mine less."

A grammar nazi then bursts through the door and shouts, "Mine FEWER!"

Hitler looks up and asks, "Yes?"

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Mr. No-One and Mr. Nobody are sitting in a tree.

Under them, Mr. Stupid is sitting on a bench.

Suddenly Mr. No-One spits on Mr. Stupid's head. Mr. Stupid is livid and storms off to the Cops to report him.

He bursts through the door and yells:

'No-One spat on my head and Nobody saw it!'

The officer looks at him dumbfounded and asks: 'Are you stupid?'


'Yep, that's me!'

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Rorschach Test

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office for his first appointment. After the initial interview, the shrink decides to ease the man into the process with a simple inkblot test. After a few minutes, however, the shrink calls a halt.

"I think its fairly clear at this point that we're dealing with an Oedipus Complex." says the shrink.

"*I'VE* got an Oedipus Complex?!?" the man bursts out, "*You're* the one with all these pictures of my parents having sex!"

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A patient bursts into a doctor's office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"

The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."

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What's the difference between a ginger girl and a vampire?

One bursts into flames in the sunlight, and the other is a vampire.

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"Sir, we're mining too many useless minerals!"

Trump: "Mine less then"

Grammar nazi bursts in and says: "mine fewer"

Trump turns his head and says: "Yes?"

Credits to u/luckyloot98 I changed their joke a bit.

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Wild Bill

A traveler is passing through an old southern town and decides to stop at the saloon for a drink. He sits down at the bar, but before he can order anything someone bursts through the door.

"Wild Bill is coming!"

Everyone runs out the bar and starts hightailing it down the street. The man is bewildered, when a giant of a man rides a bull into the bar!

He gets off the bull and throws a rattlesnake into the corner, which he had been using as a whip. He then knocks over the bull with a hefty punch. It hits the floor and stays there. He has a wild beard, wild hair, and wild eyes. He grabs a bottle of whiskey and breaks off the top, then downs it. He then grabs another bottle of whiskey and puts it in his saddlebag before jumping up on the bull.

"Wait! Aren't you going to stay for awhile?" The traveler asked.

"Hell no! Wild Bill is coming!"

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Old Couple

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!"

The old man says "I'll have the soup."

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Choices and Consequences

A man and his wife are having dinner for their tenth wedding anniversary. Suddenly the man bursts into tears.
"What's wrong?" the wife asks.
"I was just thinking," the man says, "about when I asked you to marry me. Your father came to me and said 'I know about all that money you embezzled from work. If you don't marry that ugly daughter of mine, I'm turning you in." The man cries harder as he says "And if I'd turned him down I'd be a free man now!"

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The United CEO, the Pepsi head of marketing, and Sean Spicer walk into a bar.

The bar bursts into flames.

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A daughter asks her dad if she can have a sleepover with her girlfriends and he agrees.

Later on, he over-hears their game of truth or dare to which the daughter's friend asks her when the last time she had an orgasm was.
The daughter replied, "Oh, about 3 days ago."
Her dad bursts into the room and screams, "I KNEW YOU WERE FAKING LAST NIGHT!"

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[NSFW] A man comes home late at night, drunk as hell

He strolls into his bedroom, completely disrobes, and starts making love to his beautiful partner.

The man is about to reach climax when suddenly, his wife bursts into the room and sees what he is doing. She yells, "WHAT THE FUCK? WHY ARE YOU FUCKING OUR DOG?!?"

The man turns to his wife and says, "Shit, I guess I really screwed the pooch on this one."

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Sperm Bank...

A guy in a mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun. "Open the safe," he yells at the girl behind the counter. "But we`re not a real bank," she replies. "We don`t have any money. This is a sperm bank." "Don`t argue, open the goddamn safe or I`ll blow your head off," says the guy with the gun. She obliges and once she`s opened the safe door the guy says, "Take out one of the bottles and drink it." "But it`s full of sperm!" she replies nervously. "Don`t argue, just drink it!" he says. She takes the cap off and gulps it down. "Take out another one and drink it too," he demands. She takes out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off his mask and to the girl`s amazement it`s her husband. "There," he says, "it`s not that difficult is it!?!"

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A man wins the lottery

A man has won the lottery and is driving home fast. He swerves into he driveway, leaving the car door open. Run and bursts through the front door. He yells, " Honey, pack you things, I just won the lottery." She becomes flustered and excited, unsure what to do. She says, "Is it going to be some place hot or some place cold?"

He replies, "I don't care, just get the fuck out.

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Bar contest with a donkey

A man walks into a bar and sees a donkey. He reads a notice that says make the donkey laugh and win free drinks for the day. The man walks up whispers something to the donkey it looks at him and bursts out laughing. He claims his free drinks and leaves. 2 weeks later the man returns to the bar and reads a new notice make the donkey cry and win free drinks for the day. The man walks across and shows the donkey something and it bursts into tears. The bar tender congratulates the man but asks " how did you make it laugh and then cry". The man replies "easy, to make it laugh i said i had a bigger dick than he did". "But how did you make it cry?". "I showed it to him!"

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A patient bursts into the doctor's office

"Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!

The doctor calmy replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, plese, I'll be dealing with you later"

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I sleep like a baby at night,

rarely and with short bursts of crying and pooping, sometimes both

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What bursts when dropped , but can never be caught

A Fart.

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Sunday morning, a man bursts into church and interrupts the sermon, shouting "It's a miracle! I'm walking! I'm walking!" "What happened?" the preacher asked.

"They stole my car" the man replied.

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Jizz Swallower

A professor is teaching a food nutrition class and stumbles onto the topic about the high glucose content in semen. Midway through the lecture, a student raises her hand and asks a question.

She asks, if there is so much glucose content in semen, why is it salty and not sweet?

The whole class goes silent for a few seconds... And then everyone bursts out laughing.

In her embarrassment, she runs out of the room before the professor could answer her question.

After she leaves, the professor answers, in the most possible straight face, that semen tasted salty because the taste buds for sweet are located at the tip of the tongue and not the back of the throat.

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Redeeming jew joke

So I'm at a party, and this guy drops a really offensive jewish holocaust joke. Everybody out the party bursts out laughing thinking it's hilarious, except one guy. When asked why he didn't laugh the guy said: "I don't think holocaust jokes are funny. My grandfather died in the holocaust." Everybody got super quiet, and awkward. About ten minutes passed, and he said: "You guys want to hear his story?" Everyone nodded meekly, and he proceeded to say: "Yeah, one night, he got just drunk and fell off the guard tower." Roaring laughter ensued.

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A coroner comes home from work and sets his lunchbox down, laughing to himself...

"Wow!" he tells his wife. "You should have seen this autopsy I did today! The guy must have had a schlong at least 11 inches long and fat as a beer can! I've never seen anything so..."

He trails off as his wife bursts out sobbing. "Oh no!" she says. "Fred's dead!"

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A Β£1 and a Β£2

A Β£1 and a Β£2 are making drugs in a shack.
There's a 50 pence on watch. One day while Β£1 amd Β£2 are making drugs the 50p bursts through the doors and says "We've got coppers."

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A Brunet,a Ginger, a Blonde, and a Cannibal are stuck on an Island

The cannibal tells the girls that they must bring 10 of the same type of fruit to him or else he will eat them. First, the brunet comes with strawberries, the cannibal says "Good, now shove them all up your ass without laughing." The Brunet get to 7 before she bursts out laughing. So, the cannibal eats her. Next the ginger comes with blueberries. The cannibal tells her the same thing. The ginger gets to 9 but , she starts laughing hysterically, so the cannibal eats her. In the afterlife, the brunet asks the ginger, "you were so close, why did you laugh?" The ginger replies, "Well, I saw the blonde coming with pineapples."

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A black piece of tarmac is having a quiet drink at the pub...

...when the door bursts open and a red piece of tarmac comes storming in loud and aggressively.

The piece of black tarmac turns to the barman anxiously: *"Don't even think about serving him!"*

*"Why not?"*, the barman asks.

*"Isn't it obvious? He's a freaking cycle path!"*

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What's the difference between a baby and baby Alien?

One bursts into tears. The other bursts out of tears

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Knock Knock!

Knock Knock

Who's there?

David

David Who?

David bursts into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimer's has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember who he is.

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Sheriff dog bursts into the saloon and says

"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw"

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A man goes the doctor claiming to be constantly tired during the day.

The doctor says to him "Play the song "Losing my Religion" on repeat in your bedroom, while you sleep."


The man obviously thinks that it is a ridiculous treatment, but obliges the doctor nonetheless.


The next day the man bursts into his doctor's office and yells: "I feel fantastic!! How the did that actually work?!"


The doctor replies: "You weren't getting enough REM sleep."

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One day a Cat was wandering aimlessly when it accidentally fell into a bucket of water.

A rooster nearby witnessed the whole ordeal and hysterically bursts out laughing.

Moral of the story: Any wet pussy makes a cock happy

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Help, I think I'm a moth...

So a guy bursts into a doctor's office flapping his arms like crazy and screaming, "Doc, you gotta help me, I think I'm a moth!" The doctor just looks at him bewildered, struggling for words. The guy continues, "Please doc, help me, I think I'm a moth!" The doctor finally stammers out, "Well, what can I do? You don't need to see me, you need to see the shrink down the hall." And the guy says, "Yeah I know, but your light was on."

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A man goes to prison for life...

On the first day at dinner, somebody yells out: "22!" The entire table bursts out laughing except for that one man, confused by the laughing. A few minutes later, somebody yells: "34!" Again, everybody bursts out laughing. The man, confused, asks the person next to him: What is going on? The person tells him, "everybody has been here so long that they know every joke, so we have a system where each joke has a number. That way, we just have to yell the number of the joke and everybody will laugh." The man decides to learn every joke to become popular, and after a year, he has every one memorized. Finally, at dinner, he shouts out: "57!"

Nobody laughs. Confused, he asks the man next to him: "What's wrong? Why did nobody laugh?"

"Ah, but you see," comes the reply, "it's the way you tell the joke."

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A dictator is sitting in his office sipping his tea when his secretary bursts into the room.

"Sir you have to look at this newspaper, it's a huge scandal!" she says.

"They've written an article accusing several of your cabinet ministers being involved in a child sex ring."

The dictator's face quickly turns from worry into surprise. "What absolute idiots, how could they do something like this!" he exclaims. "Do those editors really enjoy being tortured that much?"

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A Student Asks A Question

A professor is teaching a food nutrition class and stumbles onto the topic about the high glucose content in semen. Midway through the lecture, a student raises her hand and asks a question.

She asks, if there is so much glucose content in semen, why is it salty and not sweet?

The whole class goes silent for a few seconds... And then everyone bursts out laughing.

In her embarrassment, she runs out of the room before the professor could answer her question.

After she leaves, the professor answers, in the most possible straight face, that semen tasted salty because the taste buds for sweet are located at the tip of the tongue and not the back of the throat.

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What is it called when you insult an Indian so bad that he bursts into flames?

A Sikh burn

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Your heart! *bursts out laughing*

It's an inside joke.

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An old, blind man walks down the fish market an early morning

He takes a massive sniff, smiles and then bursts out "Gooood morning ladies!"

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What are the best Bursts puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Bursts? Well, here are the best jokes about Bursts to have fun with.

Joko Jokes