Burnt Out Jokes

Your mama is so black when God saw her he said "Oh man I burnt one again."

I walked passed a burnt out building with a broken sign saying "Fireworks".
How right they were.

My day has been terrible.

Friend: What's wrong?
Me: My beer is frozen, my pizza is burnt, and my girlfriend is pregnant.
Friend: You can't pull anything out on time, can you?

Did you hear about the Irish man who tried to blow up a bus?

He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.

what does a frozen beer, burnt pizza, and pregnant girl all have in common?

they all happened because some d**... didn't pull it out in time.

What do burnt pizza, frozen beer and a pregnant chick have in common?

Some d**... forgot to pull it out in time.

How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just some obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
Actually it only takes one, but he burnt his fingers because he removed he old one before it was cool.

Did you hear about the temple that burnt down?

Holy smokes.

"Little Johnny, why weren't you in school yesterday?"

"Little Johnny, why weren't you in school yesterday?"
"My dad got burnt."
"Oh, that's terrible. I hope he wasn't burned too badly."
"Nah. They really know what they're doing at those crematoriums."

Little Jimmy goes to school

His teacher asks him "Why weren't you in school yesterday Jimmy?"
He says "Sorry, my Granddad got burnt."
"Oh" she says "Was he badly burnt?"
Jimmy replied "Well they normally do a good job at the crematorium"

Did you hear about the guy who burnt down the Chinese restaurant?

He was charged with won ton destruction
^^*cue* ^^*groan*

What would you call Neil Armstrong had he burnt up in the atmosphere returning to earth instead of landing safely?

An unfortu-naut...
God that was horrible....

How are burnt pizza, frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend related?

All come from not pulling out on time.

Why does it smell like burnt plastic?

They just started Joan Rivers cremation.
RIP

have you heard about the hipster who burnt his mouth?

He drank coffee before it was cool

What does a burnt pizza and a pregnant girl have in common?

Someone that didn't take it out in time.

After our house burnt down, the police said it could be someone we know...

My wife and I had one question. "Could it be arson?"

Two fill in the blank jokes for your particular rivalry.

1. What's the difference between a girl from _______ and a parrot?
You can teach a parrot to say no.
2. Did you hear that _________ school library burnt down?
They lost both books. One of them hadn't even been colored in yet.

New guest at the potluck.

New guest: I brought a casserole!
*Opening the container shows that everything is burnt.
Fellow guest: It's ok, I've bratwurst...

What's worse than 1 slice of burnt toast?

The holocaust.

Did you hear about the man who burnt down a field full of beans?

He really razed some pulses.

My wife must think I'm a god...

She keeps giving me burnt offerings !

Why did the blonde give up on trying to blow up a car?

She burnt her lips on the exhaust pipe

Why is h**... vegetarian

Because he burnt all his meat!

How many tumblrinas does it take to change a lightbulb?

You may think that a burnt out bulb needs to change just because the room is too dark *for you* to see anything, so it *must* be changed, but I don't care, it's beautiful, you should respect its right to be burnt out and learn to be more accepting of darker rooms, check your filament privileges you ableist s**.... Anyone who disagrees with this is a burnt-out-bulbophobe and a darknessphobe. Thanks for being so understanding.

When I was younger I used to think I was a God.

Most parents give their kids food, mine gave me burnt offerings.

What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend have in common?

One d**... who never pulls out in time

What happened to the man with two wooden legs whose house burnt down?

He fell on his ash.

My friend owns a bakery

Last week it burnt down
Now his business is TOAST

Why couldn't h**... go to the barbecue

He burnt the franks

I always get burnt during summer time.

I would go under trees but they're a little shady.

All of Hitlers generals were having a cookout, why wasn't h**... invited?

He always burnt the franks.

What's burnt to a crisp and at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

What does a flame smell like?

Burnt nose hair.

My wife treats me like an idol

she feeds me burnt offerings

Paul Walker had to take some time off from the Fast and Furious series

He was burnt out.

Don't cry over burnt toast

That would just make it soggy.

What is a witch's least favorite food?

Burnt steak.

Did you hear the one about the guy with two wooden legs?

They caught fire and he burnt to the ground.

When my wife and I first got married she treated me like a god!

Gave me burnt sacrifices every night.

What do you call someone who can't eat burnt toast?

Black toast intolerant.

Yesterday, three unknown men attacked our fellow citizen in the park and burnt all his documents.

Now, there are four unknown men.

I burnt my hand on a round stove plate.

It was 360 degrees.

My dad burnt this beautiful slab of meat last night...

He made a terrible missteak.

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.
Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

Did you hear Muhammad Ali burnt his hand in a few fights?

That's what happens when you punch George Foreman in the grill.

A man walks into a store that has a broken neon sign

A man walks into a store and says,"hey, you should fix your neon sign out front, the letter E is burnt out".
The storekeeper replies, "I can't replace the letter, it would ruin the joke!"
"What joke?" Asks the man.
"Stop me if you've heard it before," says the shopkeep, "because it's an old E, but it's a good E."

I work with a guy who looks like Burt Reynolds.

He's from Ghana so we call him Burnt Reynolds.

In a maternity hospital the wife delivered a son.

In a maternity hospital the wife delivered a son.
The husband asked his wife: "I am white, you are white, why is it that the child is black?"
The wife replied: "I am hot and you are hot. The child must have been burnt

The God of the Sun has burnt millions and millions of people...

... But that's ok, because he Apollo-gized.

The Woolies burnt down.

It's turned to Coles

I once burnt down a shoe factory

I feel awful when I think of the soles lost

I use to have a white girlfriend, now I got a black girlfriend.

Today I burnt my hand on the stove.

I just got completely burnt fries at a restaurant.

It really is Black Fry Day.

My wife treats me like a god.

Every evening she places burnt offerings before me.

Old joke time...I was in a horrible accident and had my whole left side of my body burnt away.

It's ok, I'm all right now.

What happened to the man who tried to blow up a bus?

What happened to the man who tried to blow up a bus? He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.

My best friend burnt me with a flamethrower once...

Fortunately, I survived because it was friendly fire.

Why'd the pizza hipster have a burnt tongue?

He ate it before it was cool.

The hipster burnt his tongue

He must've drank his coffee before it was cool

What did the lighter say to his wife when their kid burnt a house down?

"Hey, at least now we surely know that he's arson."

Do you know what pregnant teen, burnt pizza and frozen beer have in common?

In every case some basted pulled out too late.

A man visit the doctor with terrible burn marks on his ears

A man visits the doctor to look at the burn marks on his ears.
How did you manage to get these burns? the doctor asks.
I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and in my haste I put the iron up to my ear. the man replies.
But you burnt both of them! the doctor says confused.
Well I had to call an ambulance!

My wife must think I'm God

She keeps bringing me burnt offerings and is always on at me to perform miracles for her.

What did the father say to his son when he burnt the house down vacuum cleaning...

DYSON!!!

If Burt Reynolds gets cremated

He will be Burnt Reynolds