The Best 54 Burns Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Burns jokes. There are some burns george burns jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these burns rabbie burns puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Burns Jokes and Puns
Did you hear about the Japanese man who suffered burns trying to save a bar?
He did it for his own Sake
As she lay there in screaming agony...
As she lay there in screaming agony, her body covered in fatal burns, Superman knew this was the first and last time he would try to undress a woman with his eyes.
A priest, a rabbi, and the Holy Prophet Muhammad walk into a bar.
The Prophet Muhammad beheads the priest and the rabbi, and burns down the bar.
What burns longer, a red or a green candle?
Neither, they both burn shorter.
A man with amazing sideburns
A man has amazing side burns and decides that he wants to go to college for sideburn grooming. He dedicates his whole life to this purpose, getting his bachelor's, master's, and doctorate's degrees after many years. In other words, he has third degree burns.
Did you hear about the Polish assassin that blew up cars for a living?
He burns his lips on the tail pipes.
I just finished reading a book about preventing skin injuries and burns...
The author classified the book as "non-friction"
My coworker got third-degree burns on his tongue.
I was going to make a joke about it, but decided it would be in poor taste.
Non-consensual sex
burns more calories than consensual sex.
A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings
The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The mathematician runs to a chalkbaord, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, "There IS a solution!", and then burns to death.
What do Australians use for sun burns?
Aloe, mate.
I'm sorry
You can explore burns coles reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean burns burning building dad jokes. There are also burns puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Marriage is like a fire.
If you put the logs too close together the fire grows too hot and burns out quickly. If you put the logs too far apart the fire goes cold. The trick is having the logs just the right distance apart.
And every once in a while you have to use your poker.
Why Can't Charlie Sheen Finish the Alphabet?
Because when he gets to 'P' it burns.
It only took me one drink to get drunk...
I just can't remember if it was the seventh or the eighth
(George Burns)
Why wasn't Hitler invited to the BBQ?
Because he always burns the franks.
BREAKING NEWS: Texas A&M Library burns to ground...
Both books were completely destroyed.
The worst part is, one of them wasn't even colored in yet.
Sex burns 300 calories an hour.
After doing some extensive calculations, this year I burned roughly 5 calories.
Great Scot!
Waiter: Are you here for a special occasion?
Campbell: Aye, we won the third prize in the annual Robert Burns contest... A haggis dinner for two.
Waiter: What were the other prizes?
Campbell: Second prize was a single haggis dinner, and if you won the first prize, you didnae have to eat the haggis.
There are 5 white guys waiting in the waiting room while their wives are delivering babies
The nurse comes out with a black baby and asks, "Whose baby does this belong to?"
The men just look at each other dumbfounded until one man puts his hand up and says, "It's probably mine, my wife burns everything."
Chicago wins World Series for first time since 1908
In other news, Chicago burns to ground for first time since 1871.
I have a friend who got severe burns on his hands, to the point that he is virtually senseless.
I feel for him.
Republicans might be worried that the "repeal and replace" failed...
But it's okay; burns are covered by the Affordable Care Act.
Banging your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour.
It also gets you removed from your local gym.
What do you call the house of someone who burns cats?
Meowschwitz
Did you know that you can tell how smart an ant is by catching it on fire?
If it burns, it's a smart ant.
If it doesn't, it's retardant.
What do pigs put on burns?
Oinkment!
Obesity is no laughing matter.
Because laughing burns calories.
Burn unit
I asked the doctor what they did with all the foreskins after circumcisions, he told me that years ago they would send them to the burn unit for people with facial burns for eyelid reconstruction. I asked, why did they stop? He says, because ask the patients ended up looking cockeyed
I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns in
Hello!
Why shouldn't you trust Hitler with a grill?
He always burns the Franks.
What do you get if Woolworths burns down?
Coles
A guy accidentally burns his finger while smoking a blunt
now he has chronic pain
Why isn't Hitler allowed at BBQs?
He always burns the franks.
How do Mexicans cut their pizza?
With little Caesars.
Credit goes to Burnie Burns who told this joke on a podcast.
Ken Burns has revealed the title of his documentary about software piracy:
The Warez
Two Eskimos light a fire in their boat in an attempt to stay warm.
However, the fire burns through the boat and it sinks, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
A man visit the doctor with terrible burn marks on his ears
A man visits the doctor to look at the burn marks on his ears.
How did you manage to get these burns? the doctor asks.
I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and in my haste I put the iron up to my ear. the man replies.
But you burnt both of them! the doctor says confused.
Well I had to call an ambulance!
A women wakes up in hospital after a vaginal tuck to 3 bunches of flowers...
...one from the surgeon to say 'all went well'. One from her husband to say 'get well soon'. And one from Tommy in the burns unit to say 'thanks for the new ears'.
A Chinese man visits the doctor
His hands are covered in severe burns from a cooking accident.
The man says, "I know it's bad, doctor, but how bad is it?"
The doctor replies, "I'm afraid you'll never wok again."
A woman wakes up in hospital after having a vaginal tuck. There are three bunches of flowers beside her bed.
One from her surgeon saying "all went well".
The second from her husband saying " I love you, get well soon".
The third was from Tommy in the burns ward saying "Thanks for the new ears .
Drinking hot coffee in thin plastic cups reduces men's sexual performance by 80%!
It burns tongue and fingers!
The health benefits of vaping
Ever since I started vaping, my wife has been getting a lot less cigarette burns.
What do you get when Woolies burns down? (One for the Aussies)
Coles.
A beta tester walks into a bar
A beta tester runs into a bar
A beta tester crawls into a bar
A beta tester moonwalks into a bar
A beta tester jumps into a bar
A beta tester sneaks into a bar
A beta tester orders 1 beer
A beta tester orders 2 beers
A beta tester orders 0 beers
A beta tester orders 999999999 beers
A beta tester orders -1 beers
A beta tester orders qwertyuip beers
A beta tester orders a lizard in a cup
A regular user walks into the bar and asks if he can use their toilet
The bar erupts into flames and burns to the ground.
As she lay there in screaming agony...
her body covered in fatal burns, Superman knew this was the first and last time he would try to undress a woman with his eyes.
Every time my mom burns my grilled cheese sandwich I get a stomach ache...
I guess I'm black toast intolerant.
A software tester walks into a bar.
He orders a beer, -1 beers, 50 beers, nuhriuh beers, NULL beers. The barman happily fulfils the orders he can, and declines the ones he can't.
A software user walks into the same bar, and asks the barman where the toilets are. The barman explodes, the bar burns to the ground, and the building collapses
A man and his wife goes to the hospital...
And the wife says to the doctor "every time my husband opens his mouth he starts singing Auld Langs Syne".
So the doctor examines the husband and says "We'll have to send him to the Burns Unit"
Give a man a candle and he can see until that candle burns down...
Set a man on fire and he can see for the rest of his life.
What do you get when you touch a phoenix?
Bird-degree burns.
A teacher asked Jamaal what his father did...
Jamaal: My father is a doctor.
Teacher: Susie what about your father?
Susie: He is a lawyer.
Teacher: William?
William: My father...he's passed.
Teacher: I'm sorry to hear that. What did he do before he died?
William: He clutched his chest and collapsed.
Adapted from a George Burns joke he credited to Walter Matthau.
A man goes to the hospital with horrible burns all over his feet
The doctors ask "how did this happen"? He replies "The instructions on the can said "before opening, stand in boiling water for five minutes."
Superman has to make a doctor appointment...
The doctor is baffled when he walks into the patient room and finds THE Superman sitting on the bench.
"Erm... hello Superman, what seems to be the problem? I'm going to be honest I didn't realize that the man of steel needed to go to the doctor.."
Clearly uncomfortable Superman lowers his gaze and sighs..
"Doc, this is a little embarrassing but it burns when I see..."
My son told me, Dad, I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, and now it burns.
I said, That's Heinz sight for you.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the burns robert burns jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working burns burns night piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.