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Burns Jokes

131 burns jokes and hilarious burns puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about burns that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Burns jokes are a fun way to joke about various elements of life. From George Burns to basketball, Mr Burns to Pokemon, side burns to chemistry, and even the top 10 burns, there's sure to be something to get a laugh out of. Burns and Allen, a classic comedy duo, are often the source of many hilarious burns jokes. People can craft their own jokes with a little bit of creativity and a knowledge of fire, burner, and Coles. Read this article to learn more!

Funniest Burns Short Jokes

Short burns jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The burns humour may include short burnt jokes also.

  1. Breaking News Trump's personal library just burned down The fire consumed both books and he hasn't even finished coloring the second one
  2. My psychologist told me: "Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them."
    I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters...
  3. Police officer: "I'm here to inform you that your son burned down the school" Parents: "arson?"
    Police officer: "yes, your son"
  4. Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
  5. What color does your skin turn when you pour molten gold onto it? Au-burn
    ^He^^He^^^He^^^^He
  6. Did you know that you can tell how smart an ant is by catching it on fire? If it burns, it's a smart ant.
    If it doesn't, it's retardant.
  7. Greta Thunberg has just been confirmed as a huge polluter. Her Tweet to Tater-Tot was easily the biggest burn in history.
  8. My therapist told me a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them I did that, and it really worked! But I'm wondering, what do I do with the letters?
  9. My friend told me, You have a Bachelor's, a Master's, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot. That was a third degree burn.
  10. Why did the match factory burn down? Because the workers went on strike
    I just thought of this, not sure whether its an original joke

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Burns One Liners

Which burns one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with burns? I can suggest the ones about sunburn and fire burn.

  1. I burned my Hawaiian pizza today... I guess i should have put the oven on aloha setting
  2. I burned my finger on my computer processor. It MHz.
  3. Burned my Hawaiian pizza... Should have put it on aloha temperature.
  4. How did the hipster burn his lips? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
  5. My wife made me stop burning clocks She was worried about all that second hand smoke
  6. I burned 2000 calories today. Last time I take a nap with brownies in the oven.
  7. If coal is so bad for the environment... why don't we just burn it all?
  8. I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns in Hello!
  9. What burns longer, a red or a green candle? Neither, they both burn shorter.
  10. What's a feminists favorite music festival? Burning Man.
  11. I burned 1000 calories today... Forgot I had a pizza in the oven.
  12. I used to cut and burn myself. Then I took culinary classes.
  13. What do you call an insult from an Indian man in a Turban? A Sikh Burn!
  14. My love for you is like a candle. If you ignore me I will burn your house down.
  15. The man who invented autocorrect, should burn in hello.

Burns Calories Jokes

Here is a list of funny burns calories jokes and even better burns calories puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I just burned 2,000 calories in a few hours. That's the last time I take a nap while baking brownies.
  • I burned 2,000 calories today... I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven.
  • I just burned 3,000 calories!! My fault for leaving my brownies in the oven while I took a nap though.
  • Today I decided to burn some calories.. So I lit a fat kid on fire.
  • I wonder how many calories women burn by... ... jumping to conclusions.
  • I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes. Friend: How?
    Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
  • What's the best way to burn 1,000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.
  • Why did the arsonist go to the gym? To burn some calories.
  • Yesterday I've burned 1000 calories I forgot the cake in the oven.
  • I just burned 12000 calories I left the pizza in the oven

Side Burns Jokes

Here is a list of funny side burns jokes and even better side burns puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why do jedi always burn their pancakes? Because they wont turn over to the dark side.
  • How did Helen Keller burn her face? She answered the waffle iron.
    How did she burn the other side?
    They called back.
  • How do you look on the bright side after your house burns down? Not looking away from it, of course.
  • How did the blind kid burn the side of his face? He answered the iron
  • Why did ISIS burn 10000 copies of "Dark Side Of The Moon"? Because it's a terrible album.
Burns joke, Why did ISIS burn 10000 copies of "Dark Side Of The Moon"?

Degree Burns Jokes

Here is a list of funny degree burns jokes and even better degree burns puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do you get when you touch a phoenix? Bird-degree burns.
  • My friend said: You have a BA, a Masters and a PhD, but you still act like an idiot… It was a third degree burn.
  • My coworker got third-degree burns on his tongue. I was going to make a joke about it, but decided it would be in poor taste.
  • I got a third degree burn the other day Needless to say it was getting on my nerves
  • What happens when a crematory and a tanning salon share a building? A fifth degree burn
  • My friend said, You have a B.A., Master's, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an complete idiot. It was a third degree burn.
  • What do British police use to treat 3rd degree burns? Aloe aloe vera
  • Feminist Treated For 2nd Degree Burns She Put Her Burning Bra Back On
  • My friend said, You have a B.A., Master's, and a Ph.D, but you still act like a m**.... It was a third degree burn.
  • So I ate Mexican food for dinner yesterday ...and this morning I got t**...-degree burns.

Mr Burns Jokes

Here is a list of funny mr burns jokes and even better mr burns puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What did Mr. Burns bring to the p**... luck? Egg_salad

George Burns Jokes

Here is a list of funny george burns jokes and even better george burns puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • It only took me one drink to get drunk... I just can't remember if it was the seventh or the eighth
    (George Burns)
  • The George Dubya Bush Presidential Library burned down… All three books were destroyed.
    Two of 'em hadn't even been coloured in yet.
Burns joke, The George Dubya Bush Presidential Library burned down…

Amusing & Witty Burns Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun

What funny jokes about burns you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean badly burned jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make burns pranks.

Did you hear about the Japanese man who suffered burns trying to save a bar?

He did it for his own Sake

As she lay there in screaming agony...

As she lay there in screaming agony, her body covered in fatal burns, Superman knew this was the first and last time he would try to undress a woman with his eyes.

Some (eye-rolling) Chemistry Pick-up Lines for the Valentine's season

* Are you made of Carbon? Because it feels like my world revolves around you.
* You're my Lithium.
* Are you an anion? Because I'm positive we're meant to be together.
* My heart is made of Gallium. It melts when you're close to me.
* Are you Fluorine? Because i can't seem to get myself away from you.
* My heart burns like a mole of suns for you.
* If I could rearrange the periodic table, I'd put U and I together.
* Who needs Hydrogen if you're my #1?.
* I can feel a bond forming between us.
Any others would be appreciated

A priest, a rabbi, and the Holy Prophet Muhammad walk into a bar.

The Prophet Muhammad beheads the priest and the rabbi, and burns down the bar.

A man with amazing sideburns

A man has amazing side burns and decides that he wants to go to college for sideburn grooming. He dedicates his whole life to this purpose, getting his bachelor's, master's, and doctorate's degrees after many years. In other words, he has third degree burns.

Did you hear about the Polish assassin that blew up cars for a living?

He burns his lips on the tail pipes.

A blonde goes to the doctor with burns on both of her ears and her right hand...

A blonde goes to the doctor with burns on both of her ears and her right hand. "Sit down and tell me how it happened," says the doctor.
"I was ironing my clothes when I received a call. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron and burned my ear."
"'What about the other ear and your hand?" the doctor asked.
She replied, "I tried to call for an ambulance."

I just finished reading a book about preventing skin injuries and burns...

The author classified the book as "non-friction"

Why can you never get caught with a 0 in math?

because cot(0) doesn't exist
...
This joke... it burns my eyes...

Why isnt h**... invited to any BBQs?

Cuhs he burns all the franks!
Friend told me this, so im sorry if this has already been posted.

A new scientific study regarding pizza determines who is most susceptible to burns.

Turns out it is the Hipsters because they eat it before it's cool.

Non-consensual s**...

burns more calories than consensual s**....

How my girlfriend stay's thin.

Wanna know how my girlfriend stays thin?
She burns most of her calories jumping to conclusions.

What is the difference between Donald Trump and Chris Christie?

When things go south,Trump burns bridges, Christie just shuts them down.

whats black and burns?

stevie wonder answering the iron

A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings

The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The mathematician runs to a chalkbaord, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, "There IS a solution!", and then burns to death.

What do Australians use for sun burns?

Aloe, mate.
I'm sorry

Why isn't h**... allowed at barbecues?

Because he burns all the franks but leaves one undercooked.

Marriage is like a fire.

If you put the logs too close together the fire grows too hot and burns out quickly. If you put the logs too far apart the fire goes cold. The trick is having the logs just the right distance apart.
And every once in a while you have to use your poker.

Why Can't Charlie Sheen Finish the Alphabet?

Because when he gets to 'P' it burns.

Why wasn't h**... invited to the BBQ?

Because he always burns the franks.

Shakespeare and Robbie Burns walk into a bar...

and the barman says: "Get out, you're both bard."

BREAKING NEWS: Texas A&M Library burns to ground...

Both books were completely destroyed.
The worst part is, one of them wasn't even colored in yet.

s**... burns 300 calories an hour.

After doing some extensive calculations, this year I burned roughly 5 calories.

Great Scot!

Waiter: Are you here for a special occasion?
Campbell: Aye, we won the third prize in the annual Robert Burns contest... A haggis dinner for two.
Waiter: What were the other prizes?
Campbell: Second prize was a single haggis dinner, and if you won the first prize, you didnae have to eat the haggis.

There are 5 white guys waiting in the waiting room while their wives are delivering babies

The nurse comes out with a black baby and asks, "Whose baby does this belong to?"
The men just look at each other dumbfounded until one man puts his hand up and says, "It's probably mine, my wife burns everything."

So Pete Burns is dead.

He's not being buried though, they're recycling him instead.

Chicago wins World Series for first time since 1908

In other news, Chicago burns to ground for first time since 1871.

I have a friend who got severe burns on his hands, to the point that he is virtually senseless.

I feel for him.

Sometimes I know what people are going to say.

Like when my wife burns dinner I know the next words out her mouth are going to be: "don't hit me"

What's it called when a dog burns down a building?

Arfson

What do you call a girl who burns her bills?

Bernadette

Why is h**... never invited to barbecues?

Because he always burns the Franks

Why do beef arsonists like to work out?

It burns cow-lories

Republicans might be worried that the "repeal and replace" failed...

But it's okay; burns are covered by the Affordable Care Act.

b**... your head against a wall burns 150 calories an hour.

It also gets you removed from your local gym.

Babe, you're like a star that burns brighter than 1000 suns.

Because your period is about a week long.

I told my friend that documentary directors can be pretty savage

He replied: "Yea, Ken Burns"

What do you call the house of someone who burns cats?

Meowschwitz

What do pigs put on burns?

Oinkment!

My son and I were talking last night

He said, "Dad, i have to use stay out of the sun so I don't get a sun burn."
I simply replied, "No, no, no. You get son burns from dad jokes."

Obesity is no laughing matter.

Because laughing burns calories.

Burn unit

I asked the doctor what they did with all the foreskins after circumcisions, he told me that years ago they would send them to the burn unit for people with f**... burns for eyelid reconstruction. I asked, why did they stop? He says, because ask the patients ended up looking cockeyed

Hot coffee eliminates 66.6% of a man's s**... capabilities

It burns your fingers and your tongue.

Why shouldn't you trust h**... with a grill?

He always burns the Franks.

"I can't believe it, this firewood practically burns out almost immediately."

"Oh dude, that's a negative log."

What do you get if Woolworths burns down?

Coles

A guy accidentally burns his finger while smoking a blunt

now he has chronic pain

Doctors say having s**... with a Woman burns 150 Calories...

When I had s**... with a Woman, I too lost 150 calories- along with my keys, phone, wallet, and my wife...

Why isn't h**... allowed at BBQs?

He always burns the franks.

What do you call Taylor Swift when she burns herself in the kitchen?

Sauté Tay

Yo mama's so dense...

Yo mama's so dense the only reason people think she's bright is because she hit critical mass and now she burns the eyes out of anyone who looks at her... Sick burn.

How do Mexicans cut their pizza?

With little Caesars.
Credit goes to Burnie Burns who told this joke on a podcast.

What fireman is doing in a gym?

Burns calories.

Ken Burns has revealed the title of his documentary about software piracy:

The Warez

Two Eskimos light a fire in their boat in an attempt to stay warm.

However, the fire burns through the boat and it sinks, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

A man visit the doctor with terrible burn marks on his ears

A man visits the doctor to look at the burn marks on his ears.
How did you manage to get these burns? the doctor asks.
I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and in my haste I put the iron up to my ear. the man replies.
But you burnt both of them! the doctor says confused.
Well I had to call an ambulance!

A women wakes up in hospital after a v**... tuck to 3 bunches of flowers...

...one from the surgeon to say 'all went well'. One from her husband to say 'get well soon'. And one from Tommy in the burns unit to say 'thanks for the new ears'.

A Chinese man visits the doctor

His hands are covered in severe burns from a cooking accident.
The man says, "I know it's bad, doctor, but how bad is it?"
The doctor replies, "I'm afraid you'll never wok again."

A woman wakes up in hospital after having a v**... tuck. There are three bunches of flowers beside her bed.

One from her surgeon saying "all went well".
The second from her husband saying " I love you, get well soon".
The third was from Tommy in the burns ward saying "Thanks for the new ears .

Marriage is like flipping a coin, there's a 50% chance of success or failure.

I'm on my third flip.
Maybe a fourth depending on if my wife burns dinner tonight or not.

I've invented a cigarette that only works when you play hip hop.

It burns Tupacco.

Drinking hot coffee in thin plastic cups reduces men's s**... performance by 80%!

It burns tongue and fingers!

What is red and burns in your face?

A brick!

A couple of friends are holding a joint party for Chinese New Year and Burns Night called Chinese-Burns Night

I wasn't keen but they twisted my arm...

The health benefits of vaping

Ever since I started vaping, my wife has been getting a lot less cigarette burns.

What do you get when Woolies burns down? (One for the Aussies)

Coles.

George Burns

In his later years, the comedian George Burns was being interviewed by a shapely female journalist.
FJ: Mr. Burns, is it true that at your age, you still smoke six cigars every day?
GB: (eyes downcast) Yes, it's true.
FJ: And is it true you drink 3 or 4 martinis every day?
GB: Yes, that's true.
FJ: And is it true that you still chase after women half your age?
GB: Yes, I do.
FJ: What does your doctor have to say about all this?
GB: He's dead.

A beta tester walks into a bar

A beta tester runs into a bar
A beta tester crawls into a bar
A beta tester moonwalks into a bar
A beta tester jumps into a bar
A beta tester sneaks into a bar
A beta tester orders 1 beer
A beta tester orders 2 beers
A beta tester orders 0 beers
A beta tester orders 999999999 beers
A beta tester orders -1 beers
A beta tester orders qwertyuip beers
A beta tester orders a lizard in a cup
A regular user walks into the bar and asks if he can use their toilet
The bar erupts into flames and burns to the ground.

Little Peter

Came in to class one day with burns all over his face.
The teacher asked him what happend.
"Well i bought a crate of fireworks and..."
"There you have it kids, fireworks are a real danger" the teacher interupted
"Thats exactly what my father said as he threw it into the fireplace"

As she lay there in screaming agony...

her body covered in fatal burns, Superman knew this was the first and last time he would try to undress a woman with his eyes.

Every time my mom burns my grilled cheese sandwich I get a stomach ache...

I guess I'm black toast intolerant.

A software tester walks into a bar.

He orders a beer, -1 beers, 50 beers, nuhriuh beers, NULL beers. The barman happily fulfils the orders he can, and declines the ones he can't.
A software user walks into the same bar, and asks the barman where the toilets are. The barman explodes, the bar burns to the ground, and the building collapses

A man and his wife goes to the hospital...

And the wife says to the doctor "every time my husband opens his mouth he starts singing Auld Langs Syne".
So the doctor examines the husband and says "We'll have to send him to the Burns Unit"

Give a man a candle and he can see until that candle burns down...

Set a man on fire and he can see for the rest of his life.

Burns joke, Give a man a candle and he can see until that candle burns down...

jokes about burns