Burning Man Jokes

107 burning man jokes and hilarious burning man puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about burning man that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

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Funniest Burning Man Short Jokes

Short burning man jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The burning man humour may include short burning jokes also.

I met a Muslim man who said he had the Qur'an on DVD. The trouble started when I asked him to burn a copy for me.
Why did the cops arrest the man while his hands were burning? Because he was waving a firearm.
What did the gingerbread man say when his house burned down? Dang that cost me a lot of dough.
Give a man a candle and he can see until that candle burns down... Set a man on fire and he can see for the rest of his life.
The ladder A man was trapped in a burning building and a firefighter yelled through the window, "You have two possible exit points, this ladder or the stairs." The man chose the latter. He died.
Did you hear about the Japanese man who suffered burns trying to save a bar? He did it for his own Sake
Beer was lit An Irish man is pulled from a burning bar and shaken awake. The firemen frantically ask him, 'How did the fire start?!'
'Beats me.' He says, 'It was already burning when I got here.'
What happened to the man who stole an automobile but died when he crashed and burned it during a police chase? He was incarcinerated.
What are the stragglers at the finish of Burning Man called? Afterburners
Was it obvious?
What did the black dude say when his hippie girlfriend asked him to go to burning man with her? Namaste here

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Burning Man One Liners

Which burning man one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with burning man? I can suggest the ones about burning alive and fire burn.

What's a feminists favorite music festival? Burning Man.
What do you call an insult from an Indian man in a Turban? A Sikh Burn!
The man who invented autocorrect, should burn in hello.
Why did the man go to prison after he was burned? Because he had a firearm
How did the blind man burn his fingers? Trying to read the waffle iron.
What's a feminists favorite event? Burning man
Do you know what Richard Pryor's favorite festival? burning man
Man, those UC students after MILO... Must have been Burn-e supporters.
So, an obese man jumped into the fire, why? Because he had to burn some calories.
How do you know if somebody has been to Burning Man? Don't worry, they'll tell you

Burning Man Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.

What funny jokes about burning man you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean bonfire jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make burning man pranks.

As someone died, Saint. Peter gave him a tour to the new place.

While wandering he sees an old familiar guy who was accompanied by a very ugly woman.
He asks Saint Peter: "But how does the man walks around with a woman like that when he spent his life with the most beautiful women?"
"Oh my child, he killed a pigeon when he was alive and now he is being punished."
They walk further down, and meets another friend with a frighteningly ugly women.
"Holy God but he was circulated only by models when he was alive, how come he withstands this now?"
"O my child that man killed two pigeons when he was alive."
They continued wandering and suddenly he sees someone who was so ugly and s**... and never had any woman when he lived.
But he was accompanied by THE WOMAN!
Extra tall and hotty.
The man lost his mind.
"Holy God, but such an ugly face with such a gorgeous woman?"
"Yes my son, but this hotty burned the whole pigeon house, when she was alive!"

A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"
Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom within the hour. I'm going from car to car collecting donations and would like to know if you'd please help."
Man: "Ok. How much are other people giving?"
Officer: "On average, about two gallons."

Good Point!

An American, Russian and a Pol are sitting in a bar having a few drinks. The Russian stands up and proclaims "We Russians are the best because we were first to send a satellite into orbit! The American stands up and say's That's nothing. We Americans were first to put a man on the Moon! The Pol stands up and says You are both fools! We Pol's will be the first to send a man to the Sun! The Russian and American laugh at the Pol and say, You can't send a man to the sun. They will be burned to a crisp. The Pol says, Ah! We thought of that. We will send them at night!

Sunbathing...

A man was sunbathing n**..., when a little girl came along. He quickly covered himself with a hat and the girl asked him "What's under the hat?" The man said "It's my little bird, but he's shy so move along." The girl compile and moved along while the man went to sleep. He later woke up in a hospital with his groin in pain. He asked the doctor what happened and the doctor brought him to the little girl he had saw before. She explained the story to him. She said "I came back and you were asleep, so I said hi to your bird. I played with him for awhile, but he spat at me! So I broke its neck, burned it's nest, and cracked it's eggs!"

A young nurse is hired at a Glasgow hospital.

Towards the end of the shift, he is assigned to a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease. He goes to greet the first patient. "Hello, sir, how are you today? Is there anything I can do for you?" The patient replies,
"Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."
The nurse is confused but smiles, checks the man's bedpans and greets the next patient. "Hello ma'am, how are you doing today?" The patient beams and replies:
"Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some w**... eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."
The nurse is further confused. He fluffs her pillows and moves on to the third patient, who is grimacing with pain. "What seems to be the matter, sir?" The third starts rattling off as follows:
"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I w**... be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!"
The nurse is totally baffled. When he is done with his patients he steps outside and sees a doctor outside the entrance. "Doctor, what sort of ward is this? A mental ward? "No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."

America just sent the Curiosity rover to Mars...

America just sent the Curiosity rover to Mars as the country watched with pride. Iran, wanting to gain a technological/global edge, decided to show up America by announcing a manned mission to the sun the very next day. The Americans, along with other western allies, decided to meet with the Iranian government to express their concern. In a conference room filled with diplomats and astrophysicists, the US delegation protested to the Iranians, Listen. Differences aside, we can't let you send people to the sun. It's s**.... They burn to death even at far distances! Please don't carry out this mission! The Iranians laughed wittily amongst themselves, jabbing each other with elbows and pointing at the westerners as one Iranian says, s**... Americans! They think we're going during the daytime!

A shy woman decides to have surgery

She wants to have surgery to remove her large v**... lips which have always made her self conscious. She finds a doctor and schedules the procedure but swears him to secrecy. "No one can ever know" she admonishes, and he agrees. After the anesthesia wears off she awakes to find three roses on her hospital tray. Angry, she calls for the doctor.
"Let me explain" the doctor says..."No one knows...the first rose is from me. I know how difficult this was for you. The second is from my nurse...she had the same procedure a year ago"
The woman is somewhat calmer. "But what about the third???"
The doctor says "Now don't get upset...He doesn't know who you are. But the man in the burn unit wanted to thank you for his new ears".

A beautiful young woman marries a wealthy elderly man...

thinking that he'll die very soon. "Probably the first time we have s**...." she thinks to herself. After the wedding, they arrive at the hotel and it's s**... time. The old man says he needs to get ready, and goes into the bathroom. When he emerges, he is wearing nothing but a c**..., nose plugs, and ear plugs. Shocked, the young woman says, "I understand the c**..., but what are the ear and nose plugs for?" The old man replies, "If there's two things I hate, it's the sound of a screaming woman, and the smell of burning rubber."

There was once a poetry competition...

and it was down to the final two contestants. The first was an English Lit professor from Harvard while the second was a country boy from the back woods of Alabama who had somehow made it that far.
For the finals the moderator says "Gentleman, I will now ask each of you to create a poem using the word 'Timbuctu.' Good luck and may the best man win. Harvard, you may go first."
The professor takes the stage, stands there for a second, clears his t**... and says -
"Across the burning desert sands, winds a lonely caravan.
Camels traveling two by two, destination Timbuctu"
The audience is thoroughly impressed and considers the competition practically over, but Alabama still gets his shot.
He slowly takes the stage and scratches his head for a minute before beginning-
"A camping me and Tim we went,
Met three girls in a pop-up tent,
They were three and we were two,
So I bucked one and Tim bucked two"

Courtesy of my black high school ethics teacher.

A black man and a white woman are out on a date for the first time. Things are going well and the woman is dying to take the man home. She has never been with a black man before and all of her friends keep telling her how get it is.
She's aggressively flirting with him all night and eventually suggests that they go back to her apartment. He agrees and they grab a cab. By the time they get there, the woman is so hot to trot that she practically shoves him through the front door.
She takes him to her bedroom and then heads into the bathroom to change into s**... l**.... Thinking about the man in the other room and imagining what how big he could be, the woman gets so turned on she can barely stand it. Finally she feels prepared. Burning with desire, she steps out of the bathroom and tells him: "Alright, now show me what you black men are known for!"
So the man grabs her TV and runs out the door.

A young boy was standing on the edge of a cliff.

He was crying while looking down at a burning car. A man was walking by when he saw the boy was crying so he approched him and asked "What's wrong?". The boy answered that his parents were in the burning car and that they both were dead. Then the man unzipped his pants and said "This really isn't your day,kid.."

Little Birdie

A man was sunbathing at a n**... beach one sunny afternoon when a little girl walks up to the man. The man immediately covers his g**... with a newspaper to shield the girl from looking at them.
"What's under there, Sir?" the naive little girl asks.
"It's my little birdie and he's trying to sleep," the man replies.
"Ok."
The man falls asleep as the girl walks away. He wakes up in the hospital with horrible pains in the pelvic region. He then sees the little girl and asks, "What happened?"
"I went back to get something to feed your little bird and you fell asleep, so I pet the bird and it spit at me so I SNAPPED IT'S NECK, SMASHED HIS EGGS, AND BURNED HIS NEST!!!"

A cheeky sacrifice

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny, so the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. The doctor took a large piece from her buttocks.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his baby face!
One day, when he was alone with his wife, he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice and said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

SAN FRANCISCO MAN BECOMES FIRST AMERICAN TO GRASP SIGNIFICANCE OF SARCASM

Chuck Fullmer, 38, yesterday became the first American to get to grips
with the concept of sarcasm.

"It was weird" Fullmer said. "I was in London and like, talking to this guy
and it was raining and he pulled a face and said, "Great weather eh?"
and I thought - "Wait a minute, no way is it great weather".
Fullmer then realised that the other man's 'mistake' was in fact deliberate.
Fullmer, who is 39 next month and married with two children, aged 8 and 3,
plans to use sarcasm himself in future.
"I'm, like, using it all the time" he said.
"Last weekend I was grilling steaks and I burned them and I said
"Hey, great weather."

three men were on a road trip when their car broke down

they walked a mile and found a farm and decided to ask the old farmer if they could c**.... the farmer was a kind man and decided to let the men stay, as long as they didn't touch the three hot daughters. later that night none of the men could help themselves and decided to go for it, thinking that the old farmer wouldn't catch them.

the next morning, the farmer lined up the three men and said "I know you three have slept with my daughters! as punishment, you will each tell me what your job is and I will m**... you according to your profession"
the first man, not being very smart, said "I'm a fire fighter" so the farmer burned the first man.
the second man, a little smarter, said "I'm a police officer" so the farmer went in his tool shed and came out with a beating stick and beat the man to death.
the third man was a lot a lot smarter than the other two and said "I'm a professional lollipop l**..."

3rd Rose

A s**... active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her v**... lips reduced in size because, over the years they had become loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and of course the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia,she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.
"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears."

Traffic Lights..

I was sitting at a traffic light yesterday, minding my own business
patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no
on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American
Slogans, with a half-burned American flag duct-taped on the side of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, " Allahu Akbar!, Allahu Akbar!, " and
took off before the lights changed.
Out of nowhere, an 18-wheeler came speeding through
the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.
For several minutes I sat in my car stunned, thinking to myself,
"man...that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

Male nurse

Towards the end of the shift, he is assigned to a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease.
He goes to greet the first patient. "Hello, sir, how are you today? Is there anything I can do for you?"
The patient replies, "Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."
The nurse is confused but smiles, checks the man's bedpans and greets the next patient. "Hello ma'am, how are you doing today?"
The patient beams and replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some w**... eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."
The nurse is further confused. He fluffs her pillows and moves on to the third patient, who is grimacing with pain.
"What seems to be the matter, sir?" The third starts rattling off as follows: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I w**... be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!"
The nurse is totally baffled. When he is done with his patients he steps outside and sees the doctor that assigned him to the ward, outside the entrance. "Doctor, what sort of ward is that? A mental ward?
"No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns unit."

One hundred year old man propositions a p**......

A 100 year old man propositions a p**... on the street. She is doubtful he can even get it up but she takes him to a motel room, undresses and hops in bed.
The old man shuffles to the foot of the bed and pulls out a cotton ball and a c**.... He tears the cotton ball into four equal pieces, methodically putting one piece in each nostril, and one piece in each ear.
Before he puts the last piece of cotton in his ear, the p**..., asks him, Honey, why did you put that cotton in your nose and ears?
The old man put the last bit of cotton in his ear and started strapping on the c**... and then replied to her question, There are few things I can't abide, one is the smell of burning rubber, and the other is the sound of a screaming woman!
comment: this may be a common joke. I don't tell them much or collect them. It's 20 years old at least. Heard it when I was 17.

Air Force one goes down.

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural Kentucky. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left, smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor. "Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath.
"Did you see this terrible accident happen?" "Yep. Sure did," the farmer mumbled unconcerned, cutting off the tractor's engine. Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States?" "Yep." "Were there any survivors?" "Nope. They's all kilt straight out, "the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning." "President Obama is dead?" the sheriff asked. "Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't . . . But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.

Air Force One crashes in a field..

Charlie the Street Car Conductor

Long joke that is passed down in my family
So down in New Orleans there lived a man named Charlie. Charlie ever since he was a young boy wanted to grow up to be a streer car conductor. When he finally became old enough, he applied for the job and lo and behold he got it. Now Charlie was the friendliest street conductor that the city has ever seen. Not only did he never complain about his job, but also he greeted everyone who boarded his street car and treated them like family. Everything in his life was perfect for Charlie until one day he decided to operate the street car after having a few drinks. In his drunken state, he crashed the streetcar and killed all the passengers. After going to court Charlie was sentences to death by the eletric chair. When the day came for his execution, a gaurd visited Charlie's cell and asked him what he wanted for his final meal. Charlie replied, "I want a rotten tomato and a raw fish." After Charlie finished his meal he headed into the execution room and sat down in the eletric chair. The warden gave the order to pull the switch and the room went dark as thousands of volts passed through Charlies body. After the switch was thrown back it came as a suprise that Charlie was in fact still alive. Having no idea what else to do the warden let Charlie out of jail but banned him from ever operating a streetcar in New Orleans. Since street cars were his life Charlie decided "Hey I'll go to Japan, I hear they have fancy new street cars there." In Japan Charlie gets a job as a conductor again, but as before decides that after having a few drinks that he is still able to work the street car. To no suprise Charlie crashes the stree car and kills all the passengers. Charlie again finds himself in jail ordering his last meal. "A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. After the meal was eaten, Charlie was led to the chair and once again survives the eletricity. Because he wasn't dying, he was set free but banned from operating the street cars in Japan. Charlie thought to himself, "Well I heard San Francisco still has street cars operating so I'll go there." As you can guess Charlie ends up in the same situation and again orders the same meal " A rotten tomato and a raw fish," he tells the gaurd. The warden from San Francisco had heard of Charlie and his previous death sentences so before he brought Charlie in to be executed he sent a letter to the mayor asking to reroute the city's eletricity to the jail. The mayor approved and confident with his new found power the warden smiled and gave the order to pull the switch. The lights in the room burst from the overload and the smell of something burning overwelmed the air. The warden after a minute ordered the gaurd to shut off the chair and as the smoke cleared, there was Charlie same as always. Distraught with emotion, the warden told Charlie to get out of his sights. Charlie, tired of going to jail, finally decided that maybe he shouldn't be a street car conductor after all. So Charlie travels back to New Orleans and meets his friend Thibodaux at a bar. Thibodaux after a few minutes of small talk tells Charlie "Everyone has heard about the eletric chair incidents and I just gotta axe, how were you able to survive all them jolts of electricity through your body? Was there something you did that made you resistant to it?" Charlie looks at Thibodaux and says "I dunno, I guess I was just a bad conductor."

The burning sofa joke

(Someone told me this a long time ago and I thought it was sort of really clever, but hard to get. Been telling it since. Few people seem to like it. Here goes...)
The fire department is called to a social club. They walk in with their equipment and find a man lying down on a sofa, and the sofa on fire. They pull the man up, put out his burning clothes, and hose down the sofa. Crisis averted.
Afterward, one of the fireman asks him, "Sir, did you see how the fire got started?"
"No, I'm sorry," he replies. "It was like that when I lay down."

A wealthy old man marries a young woman...

Before long they are in the hospital delivering their first baby.
"Congratulations its a healthy boy," the doctor says to the elderly man. "How did you do it at your age?"
"Well Doc, I just have a great running engine." the man replies.
A few years later the man and his wife return to have their second baby. Again the doctor congratulates the old man, and asks again, "How do you have the energy keep having these children?"
Again the man says, "I told you Doc. I have a great running engine!"
The man and his wife return again a few years later for their third baby. Troubled, the doctor says to the man, "I'm very sorry, but your engine appears to be burning oil, because this baby came out black."

I burned both of my ears!

Came off the ambulance, straight to the ER. Both his ears have melted, and he can barely hear as air can't pass by properly. Nurse checks his ear, and is confused. The rest of his face is perfectly fine. She asks him "how did you burn that ear?" "What?!" replies the man in pain. "I said HOW DID YOU BURN THAT EAR". He musters his strength and says "I was ironing my shirt, I was really late to a meeting, then suddenly my house phone rang, in a moment of stupidity i picked up the iron and put it on my ear." Trying to hold back her laughter, she exclaimed "but how did you burn the other ear?" "What?" "HOW DID YOU BURN THE OTHER EAR?!" "Well, that idiot called me again!".
(I first heard this one in the early 90s, back when home phones were pretty common, well more common than now).

Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean...

... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.
The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move here."
The other two nod, slightly sympathetically.
The second man says, "Similar story here. I used to run a jewellery store back in LA, but unfortunately one night there was a massive break in. I collected the insurance that I had on the jewellery and moved down here to settle."
They look at the third guy. He says, "I used to run a small fishing business on the East Coast. Last year unfortunately the entire thing was ruined by a hurricane. I collected my insurance and moved here."
The first two guys look at each other for a minute. Finally, one says, "How do you start a hurricane?"

A man with amazing sideburns

A man has amazing side burns and decides that he wants to go to college for sideburn grooming. He dedicates his whole life to this purpose, getting his bachelor's, master's, and doctorate's degrees after many years. In other words, he has third degree burns.

Could have been me...

Sitting at a Red Light yesterday, minding my own business...patiently waiting for it to turn green, even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car, and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to
me. Suddenly they yelled, "Allah Akbar! Praise Allah! Death to Americans!"
and took off before the light changed.
Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran
directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it. For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man....that could have been
me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

A young boy was obsessed with tractors..

He got a toy tractor and tractor pyjamas for his birthday, and he loved them with all his heart. 2 years later he got his first mini tractor, and rode it everyday until it became too small. Skip forward again, it was his 16th birthday, and his dad bought him his first real tractor. He takes it out to work around his dad's farm, which is what he always wanted to do. After a month he suddenly decided that farming wasn't for him and he was no longer interested in tractors. Skip ahead another 5 years, and the man is walking home from his office job when he spots a house burning down. He walks over to the house and positions himself in front of it. He suddenly takes a huge breath and s**... in all the smoke, the fire goes out, and the people are saved. A bystander asks him "How on earth did you do that?!" The man replied calmly, "Easy, I'm an ex-tractor fan"

Man....that could have been me!

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business and patiently waiting for it to turn green. Suddenly, a carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting Anti-American slogans with a half-burned American Flag duct-taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, pulled up next to me.

They had a wild-eyed look as they yelled "Allah HuAkbar! Praise Allah! Death to America" & waved their fists at me. Then they took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran right over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man....that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

After being at sea for six months

After being at sea for six months the working man heads to the local cat house. He picks the woman he wants & they go into a room.
As she is getting undressed the man starts stuffing cotton in his nose & ears.
She asks him, "What is all that cotton for?"
He replies, "There is 2 things I can't stand. That is the smell of burning rubber & the sound of a screaming woman."

A man was trapped in a burning building...

...on the 12th floor. He ran to the open window and saw a fireman approaching on a long ladder. He felt so relieved to be saved. Before climbing out the window he yelled to the fireman,
"What should I do? Should I go down with you on the ladder, or should I jump to the ground?"
The fireman said, 'The ladder."
The man died.

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday...

...minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.
A carload of bearded, young, loud Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half-burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.
Suddenly they yelled, "Praise Allah" and took off before the light changed. Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over their car, crushing it completely and killing everyone it.
For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man... that could have been me!"
So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

The embarrassed s**... active middle aged woman

A s**... active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her v**... lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy.
Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.
Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon.
"I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and
that the first rose was from him.
"I felt so sad for you, because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and
understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" the woman asked.
"That's from a man in the burns unit -
he wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

Burning Rubber

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference.
On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch e**..., and he was carrying ear plugs and a pair of nose plugs.
Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, What are those for?
The old man replied, There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming… and the smell of burning rubber!

No arms, no legs.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pothole? Phil.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on a wall? Art.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in front of a door? Matt.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs that you lift? Jim.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs acting as a buoy? Bob.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs being peed on? John.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs covered in mustard? Frank.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a Jacuzzi? Stu.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a burning house? Ash.

A man walks into a bar..

..and sits down. A little man about the size of a foot was sitting on his shoulders. The little man walks off and heads towards the bars piano and begins to play. The bartender asks where the patron got the little man. The patron replies, "There is an old wizard out back granting everyone wishes." The bartender rushes out to ask the old genie for a wish. The bartender comes back with a burned hand and says "Hey, i thought you said he could grant wishes? I asked for a red hot wife and he handed me a red hot knife!" The patron chuckles and said "I forgot to tell ya he can't here very well, that is why I now got a twelve inch pianist."

How many guys in IT does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two.
One to identify that the lightbulb has indeed burned out, and one to call the maintenence man to change the lightbulb.

Muslim Band

I went to see a Muslim Tribute band last night at a Mosque.
They were called "Bomb Jovi" and I thought they were brilliant.
They performed songs like:
"Losing my Head over You",
"Rocket Launcher Man",
"You're Six, you're Beautiful, and you're Mine".
Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down!
Then I heard this Muslim guy saying he had the entire Koran on a DVD.
I was interested, so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"
Well that was when the trouble started.

So a man had his eye lids burned off in a fire and the doctors used a new procedure to replace them with his f**...

He came out just fine besides being a little cockeyed.

There are 5 white guys waiting in the waiting room while their wives are delivering babies

The nurse comes out with a black baby and asks, "Whose baby does this belong to?"
The men just look at each other dumbfounded until one man puts his hand up and says, "It's probably mine, my wife burns everything."

A man stuck in a traffic jam

some guy came and knocked on his windows and said "Donald Trump has been kidnapped, the kidnappers ask for 1 billion dollars or they will burn him with gasoline , we're asking for donation "
So the man in the car asked and on average how much does a person donate?
so the guy replies "between one gallon and two gallons "

Another Trump joke

An american was driving his car until he ended up in a traffic jam.
After a long time of waiting and standing with his car, without moving any further, a policeman appeared and knocked on his window.
"Good day Sir, some terrorists kidnapped the President and will soak him in gasoline and burn him, if the government won't pay them 10 million dollar. We are currently asking the citizens, if they are willing to donate something."
The man took his wallet, looked insinde and asked the policeman:
"Just tell me: how much did the other drivers give?"
"About 20 to 50"
"Dollar?"
"No. Gallons"

Irishman and the fire

Firemen receive a call that the local bar is on fire. They rush over to the local bar and sure enough, the whole bar is aflame.
They sweep into the burning bar to check for survivors and find a man face down on the floor. They pull him from the flames, soot-ridden and unconscious, they slap him awake.
"What happened! How did the fire start?!" they ask him.
"How should I know?" says the Irishman. "It was already on fire when I went in.."

A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.

The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much do most people donate?"
"About a gallon."

Hot coffee eliminates 66.6% of a man's s**... capabilities

It burns your fingers and your tongue.

The best days of my life.....

An Inspirational speaker said:
"The best days of my life were the days I spent with another man's wife".
Audience were in shock and silence.
He added: "and she is my mother".
A big round of applause and laughter followed.
One Man who listened to the speech decided to crack this at home.
At dinner, he said to his wife: the best days of my life were the days I spent with another man's wife....
After a moment he tried to recall the second line......
By the time he regained his senses, he was on hospital bed, recovering from burns of hot soup poured by his wife.
MORAL LESSON: Don't copy if you cannot paste.

An Irish man is pulled from a burning bar..

He is completely covered in soot and smells strongly of smoke.
When asked about how the fire started the man says "d**... if I know, the place was in blazes when I got 'ere!"

A man went to a gas station

To pump up his car, but as he went to do so, the nozzle set his arm on fire. He then got back into his car and headed for the hospital. As he was on the highway, he was waving his burning arm out of the window, but was seen by a cop. The cop then pulled him over and promptly arrested him for possession of a firearm.

TIL: The Polish Space Program planned to be the first country to send a man to the sun.

When asked how they would prevent their astronauts from burning up, space program officials stated "We'll go at night."

A man, that gets drunk almost every night, sees his friend while walking.

This one notices that the drunk guy has both ears burned and very injured, so he asks:
"How did it happen?"
The other night my wife left the iron on, then someone called me, and I took accidentally the iron instead of the telephone.
Oh...That s**.... And the left ear?
The idiot called again.

A man stucks in a traffic jam in US

He sees a foreign man is coming towards him. Foreign man comes and says:
– Terrorists captured Trump, we are collecting donations. If $10.000.000 hasn't given in 1 hour, they will burn him with gasoline.
– How much people donate usually?
– Around 5 gallons.

A man went into the doctors with both ears severely burned...

The doctor said 'Christ man, how did you manage that?!'
The man replied 'Well, I was doing the ironing when I suddenly heard the phone ring. I can't believe that I did this, but I accidentally pressed the iron to my ear instead of the phone!'
The doctor thought for a moment and said 'that explains one ear, but how did you burn the other one?'
The man replied 'Well, I burned that one trying to call an ambulance!'

Give a man a torch and he will be warm for the next few hours.

Burn his house down while he sleeps and he will be warm for the rest of
His life

Why did the hipster get pizza cheese burns on the roof of his mouth?

Because he was into it way before it was cool, man.

Calories burned during s**...

If the man is ready( same vice-versa).... 1 - 4 calories
If the woman is not( same vice-versa).... 300 - 400 calories.

A man visit the doctor with terrible burn marks on his ears

A man visits the doctor to look at the burn marks on his ears.
How did you manage to get these burns? the doctor asks.
I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and in my haste I put the iron up to my ear. the man replies.
But you burnt both of them! the doctor says confused.
Well I had to call an ambulance!

A man is walking on the interstate

He stops a car and says to the driver,
"Hi, terrorists have kidnapped our beloved president Mr. Trump. They're demanding we pay them 50 million dollars, or else they'll pour gasoline on him and burn him alive. Can you please give something."
The driver thinks for a while and anwsers,
"I can spare 5... no, 6 gallons."

A Chinese man visits the doctor

His hands are covered in severe burns from a cooking accident.
The man says, "I know it's bad, doctor, but how bad is it?"
The doctor replies, "I'm afraid you'll never wok again."

A man went to a gay bar and picked up 3 faggots

He burned one, lit the other on fire, and made the other one dinner. Everyone had a nice night.

I had a chance to meet with a man who had been on fire.

I just had to know what the experience had been like for him. Intrigued, I asked him about the feeling of being in an inferno.

It was a burning question of mine.

Irish fireman (slightly racist)

p**... was at a fire one day but he had forgot his ladder. He managed to persuade the first person, a middle aged white woman that he would catch her, and he did. Then her mother followed, again p**... caught her. Next a black man jumped out and fell straight to the pavement.
p**... shouted up "don't be throwing out the burned ones!"

Unluckiest man alive on a plane c**...

There is a cursed man on a burning plane and there are only 2 parachutes left for 3 people.Not being able to decide who is going to be left behind he comes up with an idea.He selects a random person among the passengers and asks to the other 2 people "if you know how many b**... me and this guy have in total I am going to stay in the plane so you can get the parachute".They laugh and agree, then they proceed to say 4.He laughs and unzips to show them he only has 1 ball.After a moment of silence the other guy also unzips to show his 3 b**... hanging.

I saw a video of a man burning a Washington r**... Jersey.

You can tell it was authentic because of the smoke signals.