Burning Jokes
158 burning jokes and hilarious burning puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about burning that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This article explores the different ways the phrase 'burning' is used in various contexts. Be prepared for laughs as we discuss 'burning man', 'burning house', 'burning bush', 'burning calories', 'burning building', 'burning sage', 'burning food', 'burning alive', 'burning rubber', 'singe', 'burnt' and 'combustion'.
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Funniest Burning Short Jokes
Short burning jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The burning humour may include short burned jokes also.
- Breaking News Trump's personal library just burned down The fire consumed both books and he hasn't even finished coloring the second one
- My psychologist told me: "Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them."
I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters... - Police officer: "I'm here to inform you that your son burned down the school" Parents: "arson?"
Police officer: "yes, your son" - Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
- What color does your skin turn when you pour molten gold onto it? Au-burn
^He^^He^^^He^^^^He - Did you know that you can tell how smart an ant is by catching it on fire? If it burns, it's a smart ant.
If it doesn't, it's retardant. - Greta Thunberg has just been confirmed as a huge polluter. Her Tweet to Tater-Tot was easily the biggest burn in history.
- My therapist told me a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them I did that, and it really worked! But I'm wondering, what do I do with the letters?
- My friend told me, You have a Bachelor's, a Master's, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot. That was a third degree burn.
- Why did the match factory burn down? Because the workers went on strike
I just thought of this, not sure whether its an original joke
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Burning One Liners
Which burning one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with burning? I can suggest the ones about flaming and fire burn.
- I burned my Hawaiian pizza today... I guess i should have put the oven on aloha setting
- I burned my finger on my computer processor. It MHz.
- Burned my Hawaiian pizza... Should have put it on aloha temperature.
- How did the hipster burn his lips? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
- My wife made me stop burning clocks She was worried about all that second hand smoke
- I burned 2000 calories today. Last time I take a nap with brownies in the oven.
- If coal is so bad for the environment... why don't we just burn it all?
- I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns in Hello!
- What burns longer, a red or a green candle? Neither, they both burn shorter.
- What's a feminists favorite music festival? Burning Man.
- I burned 1000 calories today... Forgot I had a pizza in the oven.
- I used to cut and burn myself. Then I took culinary classes.
- What do you call an insult from an Indian man in a Turban? A Sikh Burn!
- My love for you is like a candle. If you ignore me I will burn your house down.
- The man who invented autocorrect, should burn in hello.
Burning Man Jokes
Here is a list of funny burning man jokes and even better burning man puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I met a Muslim man who said he had the Qur'an on DVD. The trouble started when I asked him to burn a copy for me.
- Why did the cops arrest the man while his hands were burning? Because he was waving a firearm.
- What did the gingerbread man say when his house burned down? Dang that cost me a lot of dough.
- Give a man a candle and he can see until that candle burns down... Set a man on fire and he can see for the rest of his life.
- The ladder A man was trapped in a burning building and a firefighter yelled through the window, "You have two possible exit points, this ladder or the stairs." The man chose the latter. He died.
- Did you hear about the Japanese man who suffered burns trying to save a bar? He did it for his own Sake
- Beer was lit An Irish man is pulled from a burning bar and shaken awake. The firemen frantically ask him, 'How did the fire start?!'
'Beats me.' He says, 'It was already burning when I got here.' - What happened to the man who stole an automobile but died when he crashed and burned it during a police chase? He was incarcinerated.
- Why did the man go to prison after he was burned? Because he had a firearm
- How did the blind man burn his fingers? Trying to read the waffle iron.
Burning Calories Jokes
Here is a list of funny burning calories jokes and even better burning calories puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I just burned 2,000 calories in a few hours. That's the last time I take a nap while baking brownies.
- I burned 2,000 calories today... I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven.
- I just burned 3,000 calories!! My fault for leaving my brownies in the oven while I took a nap though.
- Today I decided to burn some calories.. So I lit a fat kid on fire.
- I wonder how many calories women burn by... ... jumping to conclusions.
- I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes. Friend: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven. - What's the best way to burn 1,000 calories? Leave the pizza in the oven.
- Why did the arsonist go to the gym? To burn some calories.
- Yesterday I've burned 1000 calories I forgot the cake in the oven.
- I just burned 12000 calories I left the pizza in the oven
Fat Burning Jokes
Here is a list of funny fat burning jokes and even better fat burning puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- So I want to start losing weight and burning fat So I set some obese kids ablaze
- How do you burn a lot of calories at once? Douse a fat person with gasoline and light a match
- My wife told me to burn some calories... So I found a fat kid and set him on fire.
- Me and a co worker were cremating a fat person. My coworker said I wonder how many calories we are burning .
- Who did Fat Albert accuse of leaving a burning cross on his lawn? "The Kaaay Kaaay Kaaaaay!"
- Want to know how to burn fat while you sleep?? Keep dreamin'
- I needed to burn some calories... so I set a fat kid on fire
- How do you burn alot of calories? Set a fat kid on fire
- My friend called me. Him "What are you doing?"
Me "Burning fat."
Him "You mean sport?"
Me "I mean barbecue." - Burning fat Person 1:
I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes
Person 2: How?
Person 1: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
Burning Food Jokes
Here is a list of funny burning food jokes and even better burning food puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his food before it was cool.
- Eating spicy food is like expressing your love to someone who has no interest in you... you always get burned in the end.
- Why did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the food before it was cool.
- I keep burning food with my Presidential Debate microwave... I set it for 2 minutes but it never stops on time.
- What's the difference between Jews and a pizza? It's okay to burn a Jew!
- What food can still be frozen, but will still burn your tongue? A hot pocket
- How do you burn calories? Set your food on fire.
- At our family BBQ's my dad would serve us briquettes and say the marshmallows burned.
- Do people who go to the gym to "feel the burn" know nothing of Mexican food?
- Just asked my wife what she's "burning up for dinner" and it turned out to be all of my personal belongings.
Burning House Jokes
Here is a list of funny burning house jokes and even better burning house puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Honey, your son said he's thinking of burning down the neighbor's house!! You mean, arson?
(I probably coulda worded it better, but you see where I'm going with it at least) - My ex girlfriend is a lot like my grill. They're both smoking hot and burned my house down.
- My love is like a candle If you don't blow me before bed I'll burn your house down
- A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."
- The university president was inconsolable when the wing housing social sciences and languages burned down. "Oh, the Humanities!" he cried.
- Why do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles burn all their bank statements? Because they don't want to have a Shredder in the house.
- My ex boss's house just burned down... You know what they say, fight fired with fire.
- Dad! Dad! Fire! The house is burning!! Let's get out of here son! Quietly, you're gonna wake up your mom!
- My whole week was a disaster Wife died
Dog walked away
Car crashed into a tree
My house burned down
The only positive thing were the results of my cancer tests - What do you call the house of someone who burns cats? Meowschwitz
Silly & Ridiculous Burning Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about burning you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean sunburn jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make burning pranks.
TIL about a method of capital punishment called the Roman Candle. Victims were tied to a stake and covered in a flammable resin. The burning bodies would sometimes be used to provide lighting for evening parties.
Great idea; terrible execution.
I want to write in my résumé how experienced I am in burning bridges...
...but I don't have anybody to use as a reference.
What does Moses have in common with a h**... who visited her doctor?
Both took two tablets after discovering a burning bush.
How do you put out a burning maxipad?
t**... It
Besides being an famous chief (despite burning everything he cooked), Adolf h**... was also a star athlete....
He was the fascist kid on the playground.
A young boy was standing on the edge of a cliff.
He was crying while looking down at a burning car. A man was walking by when he saw the boy was crying so he approched him and asked "What's wrong?". The boy answered that his parents were in the burning car and that they both were dead. Then the man unzipped his pants and said "This really isn't your day,kid.."
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To put out fires.
Why do elephants have large, flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
Still the best blonde joke to date..
A brunette, a redhead, and a blond escape a burning building by
climbing to the roof. The firemen are on the street below,
holding a blanket for them to jump into.
The firemen yell to the brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only
chance to survive!"
The brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen y**... the blanket
away. The brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!' say the firemen to the redhead.
"Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the redhead.
"No! It's brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with redheads!"
"OK" says the redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen y**... the
blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake.
Only the blonde remains on top of the building. Again, the
firemen yell "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," the blonde says, "nothing you say is gonna convince me
that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you
to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."
A penguin was driving along...
A penguin was driving along when he smelled something burning. He took his car to a mechanic to get it checked out. The mechanic said "It'll be about an hour" so the penguin went walking around town. He stopped at an ice cream parlor and ordered a cone. The penguin tried eating the ice cream, but made a mess because of his flippers. He went back to the mechanic who had just got under his car. The mechanic rolled out from underneath and said "looks like you blew a seal". The penguin replied "no, it's ice cream".
What did one termite say to another in a burning building?
"Barbecue tonight!"
3 new inmates discussing their sentences
first new prisoner pipes up "i'm in for m**..."
the other two ask him "what did you get?"
"20-life"
second prisoner "i'm in for burglary and r**..."
"what did you get?"
"10-15"
third jailbird "i'm in for burning i**... immigrants"
"what did you get?"
"10 to the gallon!"
I call my m**... the Koran
Because burning either one will get you s**...
^
A knight and his men return to their castle...
...after a long hard day of fighting.
"How are we faring?" asks the king.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."
"What?!" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"
"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."
h**... is walking in an extermination camp with the camp manager..
"Why is there such a sweet smell in the air?" h**... asked.
"Today we're burning the diabetic" answered the manager.
What's the difference between a cigarette and my exwife?
Cigarettes don't scream when they're burning.
When I grow up!
One day a child and his mother were walking down the sidewalk when they came upon a burning building. The fire department had just showed up and all the people inside were saved by the strong firemen. The little kid looks to his mother and says "mom, when I grow up I'm gonna be a fireman!". The mother replies "you're not going to grow up!, you've got luekimia!"
After being at sea for six months
After being at sea for six months the working man heads to the local cat house. He picks the woman he wants & they go into a room.
As she is getting undressed the man starts stuffing cotton in his nose & ears.
She asks him, "What is all that cotton for?"
He replies, "There is 2 things I can't stand. That is the smell of burning rubber & the sound of a screaming woman."
A man was trapped in a burning building...
...on the 12th floor. He ran to the open window and saw a fireman approaching on a long ladder. He felt so relieved to be saved. Before climbing out the window he yelled to the fireman,
"What should I do? Should I go down with you on the ladder, or should I jump to the ground?"
The fireman said, 'The ladder."
The man died.
I thought I had an std because my eyes started burning every time I had s**....
Then I realized it was just the mace.
I Hate My Life
I hate my life. I'm 22 and work at a fast food restaurant where my coworker hates me with a burning passion.
I'm extremely underpaid and if I ask for a raise my boss will kill me. I hate my town and the people in it. But I can't leave because I don't have a license.
And do you want to hear the worst part?
I live in a pineapple under the sea.
If you're in an indoor shooting range and it starts burning down, what do you yell to warn everyone ?
My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building.
Turns out they were firefighters.
My 85 year old Grandfather just burned me so hard...
Me: "Hey Pup, know what I've been thinking?"
Pup: "Is that what I smell burning?"
A Physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings
The Physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The engineer pulls out a calculater, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that amount, puts out the fire, and survives.
The mathematician runs to a chalkbaord, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, declares, "There IS a solution!", and then burns to death.
My friend got sent to prison for pulling out 3 people from a burning building
Unfortunately, it turned out they were firefighters
A bar is burning to the ground, and a team of firefighters rush in to put it out.
A bar is burning to the ground and a team of firefighters rush in to put out the fire. When they get inside they see an Irishman passed out from smoke inhalation. They drag him out of the bar and eventually the Irishman comes to. The firefighter says "you were there, how did this whole thing get started?!" The Irishman responds "I don't know it was burning when I walked in"
My friend loved to collect tractors but stopped after he had a bad accident in one. These days he helps the fire service by removing all the smoke from burning buildings...
...he is an ex-tractor fan.
What's the difference between smoking w**... and burning the koran?
If you burn the koran, you can only get s**... once.
A Mathematician is given a psychological test.
The first question asked "You see a burning house and a hose disconnected from a fire hydrant. What do you do?" After much deliberation, the Mathematician decides he would attach the hose to the hydrant. He is then asked "You see a non-burning house and a hose disconnected from a fire hydrant. What do you do?" to which the Mathematician immediately responds, "I'll set the house of fire to reduce this to a problem I've already solved."
I was on the beach with my daughter.
After a while, she turned to me and said, "Dad, you look like a lobster."
"Oh no," I replied, "Am I burning?"
She said, "No. Just very ugly."
A toast!
Had to throw away my toaster because it kept burning my toast. I guess you could say I'm black toast intolerant.
My girlfriend is just like a burning hot fire
You take away the oxygen and they're gone.
One day, Billy was playing at home with some matches.
Even though his mother had told him not to. He accidentally set the house on fire, and he and his mother fled outside. As the house was burning down, his enraged mother said,
"Boy, your dad is going to s**... you when he gets home".
But Billy just laughed; he knew his dad had come home early for a nap.
Why do the firemen take out people from a burning building before they put the fire out with water?
Bros before hose.
Irishman and the fire
Firemen receive a call that the local bar is on fire. They rush over to the local bar and sure enough, the whole bar is aflame.
They sweep into the burning bar to check for survivors and find a man face down on the floor. They pull him from the flames, soot-ridden and unconscious, they slap him awake.
"What happened! How did the fire start?!" they ask him.
"How should I know?" says the Irishman. "It was already on fire when I went in.."
Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out burning fires.
Why do elephants have big feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.
Why doesn't h**... ever get invited to a BBQ?
He keeps burning the Franks
North Korea's state media is very truthful
They accurately portray United States as a country where half of it is burning and half of it is drowning.
I hate the book Fahrenhiet 451 so much
Some people would say I hate it with a burning passion
A Rabbi and a Priest run out of a burning school.
The Priest stops and says,"What about the children?"
The Rabbi replies,"Screw the children!"
The Priest asks,"Do you think we have time?"
Do your horses smoke?
No.
Well, then I think your stable is burning.
An Irish man is pulled from a burning bar..
He is completely covered in soot and smells strongly of smoke.
When asked about how the fire started the man says "d**... if I know, the place was in blazes when I got 'ere!"
Sir Dimalot strode into the throne room and bowed before the king.
"Your majesty," he said, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the villages of your enemies in the north."
The king looked perplexed. "But I do not have any enemies in the north."
"Ah," replied the knight, realising his mistake. "I fear you do now."
A man went to a gas station
To pump up his car, but as he went to do so, the nozzle set his arm on fire. He then got back into his car and headed for the hospital. As he was on the highway, he was waving his burning arm out of the window, but was seen by a cop. The cop then pulled him over and promptly arrested him for possession of a firearm.
TIL: The Polish Space Program planned to be the first country to send a man to the sun.
When asked how they would prevent their astronauts from burning up, space program officials stated "We'll go at night."
Message from Europe
European: If your house is burning, should firefighters help you?
American: Yes of course. That is logical. And im willing to pay tax for it.
European: If you get robbed, should the police help you?
American: Yes of course. That is logical. And im willing to pay tax for it.
European: If you get hurt, should doctors help you?
American: Absolutely not! We dont want socialist p**....
A mathematician is in a burning hotel room.
When he spots the fire extinguisher, he says, ok, the problem is solvable and goes back to sleep.
If you run out of w**.....
try burning the Quran instead. It will also get you s**....
What do you call a row of dolls burning on a grill?
Barbie Queue.
My wife said she thinks I like my friends more than her and if she was stuck in a burning building with my best friend that I would probably save my friend and she would die.
I told her if she was alone with my best friend in a building I probably started the fire.
A cop, a firefighter, and a bureaucrat are at a elementary school career day...
The cop brags, I'm the fastest one out of the three. I can respond to a threat in one minute
The firefighter says, That's nothing, I can run into a burning building and rescue someone in 30 seconds
The bureaucrat responds, pfff, I can work 9-5 and be home by 2
What did the fireman say when he walked into the burning s**... club?
Where my hose at?
After burning a building, a son asks his father
"Are we pyromaniacs, Dad?". The father replies, "Yes, we arson"
Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....
Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!
Then silence.
A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, I'm terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!
A voice from the back of the plane yelled, Why don't you come here and see ours?
Two Parents Get Arrested
A couple is arrested after they get caught burning their son's name on farms. Picture a big bonfire, but it spells their son's name.
It's a tense ride into the station. The parents are obviously nervous, so the officer makes some small talk.
After a while, though, the curiosity gets the best of him so he asks them why.
Cop: Of all things to spell out, why your son's name?
Dad: We figured it was the best way to show how much we love arson.
Do you think celebrities get special places in h**...?
Or are we just going to be burning there then I'm like,"d**... is that you Chris Brown? I'm your biggest fan ,I used to beat my girl too "
I opened the fire exit door for a girl to run out with me out of the burning building. I kept it open for her to come.
"I have a boyfriend!"
Did any of you hear about that deaf guy who saved a family from a burning building?
Yeah neither did he.
What did the cake say to the candle?
You're burning my back.
Did you hear about the hardworking h**... addict?
He was always up burning the midnight foil.
The wife of Korean immigrant was bed ridden with a high fever.
She hadn't had consciousness for a while and she was a burning 40 degrees Celsius. Worried, the husband tries to call for an ambulance, using his broken English.
"911 emergency, how can we help you."
"Wife in bed. She so hot."
"Okay... good for you."
Why do good Christian men fall for gingers?
I'm no scholar but it's something about a burning bush
I hate it when the string falls in my tea.
Like, great, now how do I get the t**... out without burning my fingers?
Elephant jokes, because it's what 2021 needs
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out forest fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To stamp out burning ducks.
Bonus #1: How can you tell an elephant has been in your refrigerator? Footprints in the cheesecake.
Bonus #2: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence? Time to get a new fence!
Bonus #3: No more elephant jokes.
You kids have it easy with your convenient music streaming services and your smartphones. When we were teenagers, if we wanted to listen to an album by our favourite Australian alt rockers, we had to download it from Napster and put it on a CD ourselves.
We were burning the Midnight Oil.
Grandson Talking to His Grandfather:
"Grandpa, after 65 years of marriage, you still call Grandma 'sweetheart', 'darling' and 'honey'. What's your secret to keeping the flame burning?"
Grandpa: "I forgot her name 5 years ago and I don't dare ask"
The fireman looked at my burning car and said, Any idea how it started?
I said, I just had to use my keys.
I've stopped burning bridges in my life
because they make them out of steel now.
A woman was pumping her gas on an extremely hot day.
As she pulled the nozzle from her car, some splashed on her arm and a random spark ignited the gas. As her arm was burning, she called for help to have someone try to quell the flame before it grew too high. To her luck, a couple police officers walked out from inside the gas station and immediately walked over to her.
As she pleaded for help, they approached her and immediately arrested her for unlawfully waving a firearm.
The Delta Variant is burning through the South so quickly
They should call it the Sherman Variant
Saw some videos about the fires burning near Athens.
Apparently nobody told the firefighters that you can't use water to put out a Greece fire.
They say smoking cigarettes can be expensive. I learnt it the hard way
Just the other day I ended up burning a hole in my pockets.
Smokey the Bear says "Only YOU can prevent wildfires!"
Half the world is burning right now.
*I hope you feel good about yourself.*
A Blonde woman moves into a brand new neighbourhood,
The following evening her house catches fire and starts burning quickly, she quickly calls emergency services and gets put through to the fire department,
Blonde: Hello my house is burning down, you must come quickly.
Fire Chief: Ok no problem tell us where you live.
Blonde: It's a new house outside of town, on a new development.
Fire Chief: we don't seem to have your address on our systems, tell us how to get there.
Blonde: Hellllloooooooooo in your fkn red truck !
Big Lebowski
I used to have a job making coffee on the set of the Big Lebowski. One day they fired me because the lead actor's coffee was too hot. It was an important lesson about burning bridges.
Two guys are in a burning building
"Let's jump out of the window" says the first one.
"What floor are we on?" Answers the other.
"Thirteenth."
"What? Thirteenth? There is no way I jump from here!"
"Come on, now, it's no time to be superstitious."