Burn Jokes

Following is our collection of woolworths humor and flame one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Burn puns for adults, dirty calories jokes or clean candle gags for kids.

There is an abundance of burning building jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 70 funniest jokes on burn. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any george burns witze you can hear about burn.

The Best jokes about Burn

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...


I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?

The Quran is like weed

Burn it and you get stoned.

My psychologist told me:

"Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them."

I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters...

Just burned 2,000 calories.

That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

I hope Rand Paul doesn't pick Scott Walker as his VP

I have a feeling Paul/Walker would crash and burn.


I hate those people that bang on your door saying you need to be saved or else you'll burn

Stupid firemen

The police say that they burn all the weed they confiscate...

That would explain the doughnuts...

My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people you hate......"

My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people who you hate and burn them later".
I did that.... But now what should i do with the letters???

My wife said if I bought her one more stupid present, she would burn it

So I bought her a candle. That showed her.

Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today..

I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.

What's the difference between smoking weed and burning the koran?

If you burn the koran, you can only get stoned once.


I burned my Hawaiian pizza today...

I guess i should have put the oven on aloha setting

Why did the match factory burn down?

Because the workers went on strike


I just thought of this, not sure whether its an original joke

What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend have in common?

One dumbass who never pulls out in time

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen.

I'm getting a little tired of these people coming to my door telling me I need to be "saved" or "I'll burn"...

Stupid firefighters.

A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.

The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much do most people donate?"
"About a gallon."

I burnt 1200 calories yesterday!

Forgot to take the pizza out of the oven...

I burned my finger on my computer processor.

It MHz.


Why did the hipster burn his mouth while drinking coffee?

Because he drank it before it was cool

What does a burnt pizza, a pregnant woman and a frozen beer all have in common?

You left it in too long.

Burned my Hawaiian pizza...

Should have put it on aloha temperature.

What does the Quran have in common with weed?

Burn it and you get stoned

I burned 2000 calories today.

Last time I take a nap with brownies in the oven.

If coal is so bad for the environment...

why don't we just burn it all?

My Girlfriend told me that if I bought her any more stupid gifts, she would burn it!

So I bought her a candle!

How many Deadheads (Grateful Dead fans) does it take to change a lightbulb?

No one knows, they wait for it to burn out and follow it around for twenty years.

What burns longer, a red or a green candle?

Neither, they both burn shorter.

A mentor of mine once told me

that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. Well, I did that and I feel much, much better, but I'm not sure what to do with all these letters.

My friends suggested I use tinder to meet some cute firemen or policemen

Once it started to burn, I met so many! I even met a reporter and some lawyers!

You can burn up to 150 calories through one vigorous session of masturbation...

Still got me kicked out of my weight watchers meeting though.

I just burned 2,000 calories in a few hours.

That's the last time I take a nap while baking brownies.

I burned 1000 calories today...

Forgot I had a pizza in the oven.

Many burn victims are not very attractive,

But all of them used to be extremely hot at some point in the past.

I used to cut and burn myself.

Then I took culinary classes.

I hate these double standards

If you burn a body at a crematorium, you are doing a good job , but do it at home and you're destroying evidence .

I asked my pusher for something to burn that would get me stoned.

He gave me the Koran.

Getting tired of these people who come to my door, telling me I'm gonna burn unless I'm saved...

The flashing lights on their trucks were pretty cool to see, though.

A young burn victim gets new eyelids made from his foreskin!

Doctors say he will be a little cockeyed.

My friend said, You have a B.A., Master's, and a Ph.D, but you still act like a moron.

It was a third degree burn.

My little sister's sick burn

She's 7, which makes this so much better.

Her: Hey /u/Teeplaysgames, wanna know why Mom named Noah (our brother) Noah?

Me: Sure, why?

Her: Because the first time she saw him, she yelled "NOO! AHHHH!" and the doctor just wrote that down.

I met a Muslim man who said he had the Qur'an on DVD.

The trouble started when I asked him to burn a copy for me.

My love for you is like a candle.

If you ignore me I will burn your house down.

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night..

Should have put it on aloha setting

A man went into the doctors with both ears severely burned...

The doctor said 'Christ man, how did you manage that?!'

The man replied 'Well, I was doing the ironing when I suddenly heard the phone ring. I can't believe that I did this, but I accidentally pressed the iron to my ear instead of the phone!'

The doctor thought for a moment and said 'that explains one ear, but how did you burn the other one?'

The man replied 'Well, I burned that one trying to call an ambulance!'

A man stucks in a traffic jam in US

He sees a foreign man is coming towards him. Foreign man comes and says:

– Terrorists captured Trump, we are collecting donations. If $10.000.000 hasn't given in 1 hour, they will burn him with gasoline.

– How much people donate usually?

– Around 5 gallons.

What do burnt pizza, frozen beer and a pregnant chick have in common?

Some douchebag forgot to pull it out in time.

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza the other night

I should have put it on aloha temperature

The man who invented autocorrect,

should burn in hello.

Telling a racist joke is like getting in a car with an asian driver

If they are not really good, there's a very good chance you'll crash and burn.

Why do tampons have strings?

So vampires don't burn their fingers while making tea.

I burnt a lot of calories today…

I set a fat kid on fire.

I call my weed the Qur'an

when I burn it, I get stoned.

Watching your wife in childbirth...

Is like watching your favourite pub burn down.

My love is like a candle

If you don't blow me before bed I'll burn your house down

I burned 2,000 calories today...

I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven.

The Joker is in a room with Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, and has a gun with one bullet, who does he shoot?

Neither. Some men just want to watch the world burn.

What the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?

One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize

What did a burnt pizza, pregnant girl and frozen beer can have in common?

Nobody pulled out it time.

Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists!

I heard it on the radio while I was driving down the freeway on my way to work. But then I was stuck in traffic.

Some guys came up to my car, knocked on my window and said "Sir, as you must have heard, Donald Trump has been kidnapped by terrorists! They have demanded a 50 Billion dollar ransom, or else they will douse him in gasoline and burn him alive! We are going car to car asking for a contribution."

"Oh Dear!" I exclaimed. "What is the average contribution people are giving to this great and noble cause?"

"About a gallon, sir"

Another Blonde Joke

A blonde, an American, and a Russian are in a bar, bragging about why they're better. The Russian says, "We were the first into space!" The American says, "We were the first on the moon!" The blonde says,"Well we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The American says,"You know you can't do that, right? You'll burn up before you get there." The blonde says,"Well we're not dumb! We're going to go at night!"

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate pizza before it was cool

I just burned 3,000 calories!!

My fault for leaving my brownies in the oven while I took a nap though.

Today I decided to burn some calories..

So I lit a fat kid on fire.

A man was sitting in traffic when a cop knocked on his window.

He rolled down the window and asked the officer: "Why is there such a traffic jam?"

Officer: "A group of terrorists kidnapped a few politicians and are blocking the road. They have threatened to burn the politicians alive in 1000 gallons of gasoline if they don't get a 5 million dollar ransom within the hour. I'm going from car to car collecting donations and would like to know if you'd please help."

Man: "Ok. How much are other people giving?"

Officer: "On average, about two gallons."

Anger Management

As part of my anger management counseling my therapist said I should "Write letters to the people you hate and then burn them."

So I did, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

I wonder how many calories women burn by...

... jumping to conclusions.

Hipster Jokes!

Why did the hipster float down the tributary?

Because the river was too mainstream.


How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Some obscure number you've never heard of.


Why did the hipster burn his mouth when he ate pizza?

Because he ate it before it was cool.

What do a burnt pizza, a frozen beer, and a pregnant woman have in common?

In all 3 cases, someone forgot to pull it out.

How do they answer the phone at the burn center?

Aloe

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes