The Best 75 Burn Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Burn jokes. There are some burn flame jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these burn candle puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 of the Funniest Burn Jokes and Puns

My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...


I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?

What do burnt pizza, frozen beer and a pregnant chick have in common?

Some douchebag forgot to pull it out in time.

I met a Muslim man who said he had the Qur'an on DVD.

The trouble started when I asked him to burn a copy for me.

Burn joke, I met a Muslim man who said he had the Qur'an on DVD.

My love is like a candle

If you don't blow me before bed I'll burn your house down

What burns longer, a red or a green candle?

Neither, they both burn shorter.


Watching your wife in childbirth...

Is like watching your favourite pub burn down.

How many Deadheads (Grateful Dead fans) does it take to change a lightbulb?

No one knows, they wait for it to burn out and follow it around for twenty years.

Burn joke, How many Deadheads (Grateful Dead fans) does it take to change a lightbulb?

A young burn victim gets new eyelids made from his foreskin!

Doctors say he will be a little cockeyed.

I burnt 1200 calories yesterday!

Forgot to take the pizza out of the oven...

My little sister's sick burn

She's 7, which makes this so much better.

Her: Hey /u/Teeplaysgames, wanna know why Mom named Noah (our brother) Noah?

Me: Sure, why?

Her: Because the first time she saw him, she yelled "NOO! AHHHH!" and the doctor just wrote that down.

I asked my pusher for something to burn that would get me stoned.

He gave me the Koran.

You can explore burn woolworths reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean burn calories dad jokes. There are also burn puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.


I hope Rand Paul doesn't pick Scott Walker as his VP

I have a feeling Paul/Walker would crash and burn.

I burned 1000 calories today...

Forgot I had a pizza in the oven.

You can burn up to 150 calories through one vigorous session of masturbation...

Still got me kicked out of my weight watchers meeting though.

Getting tired of these people who come to my door, telling me I'm gonna burn unless I'm saved...

The flashing lights on their trucks were pretty cool to see, though.

Burned my Hawaiian pizza...

Should have put it on aloha temperature.

Burn joke, Burned my Hawaiian pizza...

I'm getting a little tired of these people coming to my door telling me I need to be "saved" or "I'll burn"...

Stupid firefighters.

What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend have in common?

One dumbass who never pulls out in time

The Joker is in a room with Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, and has a gun with one bullet, who does he shoot?

Neither. Some men just want to watch the world burn.


I burned my Hawaiian pizza today...

I guess i should have put the oven on aloha setting

What's the difference between smoking weed and burning the koran?

If you burn the koran, you can only get stoned once.

My Girlfriend told me that if I bought her any more stupid gifts, she would burn it!

So I bought her a candle!

I burnt a lot of calories today…

I set a fat kid on fire.

Telling a racist joke is like getting in a car with an asian driver

If they are not really good, there's a very good chance you'll crash and burn.

Why do tampons have strings?

So vampires don't burn their fingers while making tea.

Many burn victims are not very attractive,

But all of them used to be extremely hot at some point in the past.

I used to cut and burn myself.

Then I took culinary classes.

Why did the match factory burn down?

Because the workers went on strike

I just thought of this, not sure whether its an original joke

What does a burnt pizza, a pregnant woman and a frozen beer all have in common?

You left it in too long.

My psychologist told me:

"Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them."

I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters...

Just burned 2,000 calories.

That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

The Quran is like weed

Burn it and you get stoned.

Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today..

I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.

I just burned 2,000 calories in a few hours.

That's the last time I take a nap while baking brownies.

My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people you hate......"

My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people who you hate and burn them later".
I did that.... But now what should i do with the letters???

What does the Quran have in common with weed?

Burn it and you get stoned

A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.

The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much do most people donate?"
"About a gallon."

I burned 2000 calories today.

Last time I take a nap with brownies in the oven.

My love for you is like a candle.

If you ignore me I will burn your house down.

Why did the hipster burn his mouth while drinking coffee?

Because he drank it before it was cool

I burned my finger on my computer processor.

It MHz.

The police say that they burn all the weed they confiscate...

That would explain the doughnuts...

My wife said if I bought her one more stupid present, she would burn it

So I bought her a candle. That showed her.

A man stucks in a traffic jam in US

He sees a foreign man is coming towards him. Foreign man comes and says:

– Terrorists captured Trump, we are collecting donations. If $10.000.000 hasn't given in 1 hour, they will burn him with gasoline.

– How much people donate usually?

– Around 5 gallons.

If coal is so bad for the environment...

why don't we just burn it all?

A man went into the doctors with both ears severely burned...

The doctor said 'Christ man, how did you manage that?!'

The man replied 'Well, I was doing the ironing when I suddenly heard the phone ring. I can't believe that I did this, but I accidentally pressed the iron to my ear instead of the phone!'

The doctor thought for a moment and said 'that explains one ear, but how did you burn the other one?'

The man replied 'Well, I burned that one trying to call an ambulance!'

I call my weed the Qur'an

when I burn it, I get stoned.

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night..

Should have put it on aloha setting

I hate these double standards

If you burn a body at a crematorium, you are doing a good job , but do it at home and you're destroying evidence .

My friends suggested I use tinder to meet some cute firemen or policemen

Once it started to burn, I met so many! I even met a reporter and some lawyers!

What did a burnt pizza, pregnant girl and frozen beer can have in common?

Nobody pulled out it time.

The man who invented autocorrect,

should burn in hello.

I burned 2,000 calories today...

I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen.

Another Blonde Joke

A blonde, an American, and a Russian are in a bar, bragging about why they're better. The Russian says, "We were the first into space!" The American says, "We were the first on the moon!" The blonde says,"Well we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The American says,"You know you can't do that, right? You'll burn up before you get there." The blonde says,"Well we're not dumb! We're going to go at night!"

A mentor of mine once told me

that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. Well, I did that and I feel much, much better, but I'm not sure what to do with all these letters.

My friend said, You have a B.A., Master's, and a Ph.D, but you still act like a moron.

It was a third degree burn.

What the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?

One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize

I hate those people that bang on your door saying you need to be saved or else you'll burn

Stupid firemen

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza the other night

I should have put it on aloha temperature

How did the hipster burn his lips?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

But what do I do with the letters?

My psychotherapist once told me that I should write letters to the people that did me harm and then burn them. But what do I do with the letters?

Why do jedi always burn their pancakes?

Because they wont turn over to the dark side.

I burnt my Hawaiian pizza today

Should've used aloha temperature

I hate those people who come and knock on my door, telling me how I have to be "saved" or else I'll "burn"

Stupid firefighters.

Why did the hipster burn his mouth on his coffee?

Because he's an idiot.

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles.

Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

What do you call an insult from an Indian man in a Turban?

A Sikh Burn!

Two Polish Rocket Scientists Announce to the World They're Going to the Sun in a Spaceship

The entire world wide scientific community swiftly points out that the Sun is too hot for such a journey and they'd quickly burn up to which they replied very smugly: "Ah SEE! We've thought of this and have a plan!.....We're going at NIGHT!"

I do not mean to offend anyone and my apologies to the Polish, I grew up in the '60's with a mix of Russian, Czech, Hungarian, Pole parents, relatives and friends and this is mild to the shit we dealt ourselves and friends back then. ;)

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He ate potatoes before they were cool.

Why was he eating potatoes?

Because they're so underground.

Norm Macdonald: I was gonna say that the Polish government did actually try to land on the Sun back in the..[interrupted: No, no they didn't.] (Norm continues) Yes, and they were ridiculed for it, because they said, you know, you'll burn up when you come anywhere near it.

They said 'we're going at night'

A kid decided to burn his house down.

His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."

Why do you always burn your tongue on coffee from the new Hipster coffee shop?

Because you were drinking it before it was cool.

A man had bandages on both ears

His friend asked what happened to your ears?

The man said I was ironing my clothes and then the phone rang so without thinking I pressed the hot iron to my ear.

Oh no that sounds terrible! But then why do you have bandages on both ears?

Well the burn was quite painful so I figured I should call the doctor

Burnt

I burned myself on a cup of coffee earlier…..it was amateur pain. However I burnt myself on my grill not too long after that…..it was propane.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the burn burning building jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working burn george burns piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

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