Burn Jokes
140 burn jokes and hilarious burn puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about burn that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Burn Jokes: Looking for the best slow burn or fire burn jokes? This collection of funny jokes includes carpet burn, fire, Koran, and Woolworths jokes. Don't miss out on these funny burns!
Quick Jump To
Funniest Burn Short Jokes
Short burn jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The burn humour may include short heat jokes also.
- Breaking News Trump's personal library just burned down The fire consumed both books and he hasn't even finished coloring the second one
- Police officer: "I'm here to inform you that your son burned down the school" Parents: "arson?"
Police officer: "yes, your son" - Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
- What color does your skin turn when you pour molten gold onto it? Au-burn
^He^^He^^^He^^^^He - Greta Thunberg has just been confirmed as a huge polluter. Her Tweet to Tater-Tot was easily the biggest burn in history.
- Why did the match factory burn down? Because the workers went on strike
I just thought of this, not sure whether its an original joke - Honey, your son said he's thinking of burning down the neighbor's house!! You mean, arson?
(I probably coulda worded it better, but you see where I'm going with it at least) - How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb? The lightbulb just burned out; this is not the time to discuss it.
- Why do hipsters always burn their mouths eating pizza? They got into it before it was cool.
- My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building. Turns out they were firefighters.
Share These Burn Jokes With Friends
Burn One Liners
Which burn one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with burn? I can suggest the ones about fuse and blast.
- I burned my finger on my computer processor. It MHz.
- My wife made me stop burning clocks She was worried about all that second hand smoke
- If coal is so bad for the environment... why don't we just burn it all?
- What burns longer, a red or a green candle? Neither, they both burn shorter.
- What's a feminists favorite music festival? Burning Man.
- Why do tampons have strings? So vampires don't burn their fingers while making tea.
- Watching your wife in childbirth... Is like watching your favourite pub burn down.
- What’s the difference between an accordion and a bagpipe? The bagpipe burns faster.
- My Kids Got p**... at Me for Cooking pancake this Morning Seems he was their favorite rabbit
- Do your horses smoke? No.
Well, then I think your stable is burning. - Why did the sun go to therapy? It was feeling a bit burned out.
- I wonder how many calories women burn by... ... jumping to conclusions.
- My girlfriend is just like a burning hot fire You take away the oxygen and they're gone.
- What happened when the shoe factory burned down? 500 soles were lost.
- My cousin's shoe store burned down yesterday There were so many lost soles.
Carpet Burn Jokes
Here is a list of funny carpet burn jokes and even better carpet burn puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Mommy, mommy, christmas tree is burning! Sweetie, the christmas tree is shining, not burning.
Mommy, the carpet and curtains are now shining too!
Slow Burn Jokes
Here is a list of funny slow burn jokes and even better slow burn puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A tobacco shop burned down last week. It was a slow burn. A little earthy, but nice overall.
Fire Burn Jokes
Here is a list of funny fire burn jokes and even better fire burn puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A Kraft cheese factory recently burned down... No one reported the fire for hours, because no one believed that there actually were hot Singles in the area.
- Why do the firemen take out people from a burning building before they put the fire out with water? Bros before hose.
- Best joke my dad ever told me (he wasn't good at telling jokes) Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: To put out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To put out burning ducks. - A mathematician is in a burning hotel room. When he spots the fire extinguisher, he says, ok, the problem is solvable and goes back to sleep.
- I'm a scientist who's researching b**... between humans and dogs… If you'd like more details, I'll be in my lab…
- My ex boss's house just burned down... You know what they say, fight fired with fire.
- Dad! Dad! Fire! The house is burning!! Let's get out of here son! Quietly, you're gonna wake up your mom!
- Why did the arsonist quit starting fires? He got burned out.
- Saw some videos about the fires burning near Athens. Apparently nobody told the firefighters that you can't use water to put out a Greece fire.
- Give a man a candle and he can see until that candle burns down... Set a man on fire and he can see for the rest of his life.
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Burn Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about burn you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean brew jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make burn pranks.
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...
I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?
Hipster Jokes!
Why did the hipster float down the tributary?
Because the river was too mainstream.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Some obscure number you've never heard of.
Why did the hipster burn his mouth when he ate pizza?
Because he ate it before it was cool.
I met a Muslim man who said he had the Qur'an on DVD.
The trouble started when I asked him to burn a copy for me.
How many Deadheads (Grateful Dead fans) does it take to change a lightbulb?
No one knows, they wait for it to burn out and follow it around for twenty years.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A young burn victim gets new eyelids made from his f**...!
Doctors say he will be a little cockeyed.
I'm so down on my luck right now, that I can't even afford to change out light bulbs when they burn out...
Things don't look so bright
Why did the arsonist go to the gym?
To burn some calories.
I burnt 1200 calories yesterday!
Forgot to take the pizza out of the oven...
How are burnt pizza, frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend related?
All come from not pulling out on time.
You hear about these new trains that can burn any organic matter for fuel?
They even run on thyme!
My little sister's sick burn
She's 7, which makes this so much better.
Her: Hey /u/Teeplaysgames, wanna know why Mom named Noah (our brother) Noah?
Me: Sure, why?
Her: Because the first time she saw him, she yelled "NOO! AHHHH!" and the doctor just wrote that down.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many hippies does it take to change a light bulb?
They don't change it. They just watch it burn out, then follow it around for 30 years.
I have the body of an 20 year old...
...but it's starting to stink up my basement so I'm thinking I'm gonna burn it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I asked my pusher for something to burn that would get me s**....
He gave me the Koran.
A hipster coffee shop would be a terrible idea.
Everyone would burn their tongues because they would drink the coffee before it was cool.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hope Rand Paul doesn't pick Scott Walker as his VP
I have a feeling Paul/Walker would c**... and burn.
One of my favorites from Fallout 3:
I once visited a crematorium that gave discounts to burn victims.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
You can burn up to 150 calories through one vigorous session of m**......
Still got me kicked out of my weight watchers meeting though.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
If I ever ran a tobacco company...
... I'd name my cigarettes "heretics". So anyone could burn his own heretic every single day.
Why do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles burn all their bank statements?
Because they don't want to have a Shredder in the house.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Getting tired of these people who come to my door, telling me I'm gonna burn unless I'm saved...
The flashing lights on their trucks were pretty cool to see, though.
An arsonist is hired to burn down a slaughterhouse...
The job was well done.
Friends are like ants
if you burn them, they die.
Why do hipsters burn their lips when they drink tea?
Because they drink it before it's cool.
I always get burnt during summer time.
I would go under trees but they're a little shady.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Joker is in a room with Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, and has a gun with one bullet, who does he shoot?
Neither. Some men just want to watch the world burn.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between smoking w**... and burning the koran?
If you burn the koran, you can only get s**... once.
What's the difference between a dead baby and a Styrofoam cup?
A dead baby doesn't harm the atmosphere when you burn it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Mr. Brezhnev, the Americans just landed on the moon!"
Brezhnev: "If the Americans were the first on the moon, then Russians will be first on the sun!"
Scientist: "But sun is so hot that astronauts will burn alive there!"
Brezhnev: "Are you s**...? We will fly to there in the night!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Telling a racist joke is like getting in a car with an asian driver
If they are not really good, there's a very good chance you'll c**... and burn.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A bodybuilder was killed when a fire broke out in my gym.
Staff tried to e**... him out, but he wanted to feel the burn.
Many burn victims are not very attractive,
But all of them used to be extremely hot at some point in the past.
I burnt my hand on a round stove plate.
It was 360 degrees.
Earth only has a 1 star rating.
Any more than that, and everything would burn up.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The Quran is like w**...
Burn it and you get s**....
Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today..
I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.
Why did the blonde burn to death?
She couldn't find the snooze button on the smoke alarm.
My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people you hate......"
My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people who you hate and burn them later".
I did that.... But now what should i do with the letters???
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Burn unit
I asked the doctor what they did with all the foreskins after circumcisions, he told me that years ago they would send them to the burn unit for people with f**... burns for eyelid reconstruction. I asked, why did they stop? He says, because ask the patients ended up looking cockeyed
A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.
The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much do most people donate?"
"About a gallon."
A blonde walks into a Doctors Office complaining of sun burn.
The doctor asks "Maybe you need to raise the SPF?"
The blonde looks at the Doc and says "Well I'm using 120 SPF"
The Doctor asks "Are you using it before going out into the sun?"
The blonde replies "Of Course!"
The Doctor asks "Are you sure you are using enough?"
The blonde replies "Well last time Doc I drank the entire bottle."
How do you catch an elephant?
First, you dig a hole and let a fire burn out in it. Then, you put peas all around it. When the elephant comes to take a pea you kick him in the ash hole.
Compliments of my deceased grandfather for telling me this joke when I was a kid.
Why did the hipster burn his mouth while drinking coffee?
Because he drank it before it was cool
I once burnt down a shoe factory
I feel awful when I think of the soles lost
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The police say that they burn all the w**... they confiscate...
That would explain the doughnuts...
My friends all tell me I'm a Pyromaniac...
I tell them not to worry. We'll burn that bridge when we get to it.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I can't seem to make any good jokes about the Hindenburg...
They all just seem to c**... and burn.
My wife finally quit smoking today.
Who knew a body could burn for so long?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife said if I bought her one more s**... present, she would burn it
So I bought her a candle. That showed her.
Why don't Greek gods insult people anymore?
Because Icarus already had the sickest burn.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man stucks in a traffic jam in US
He sees a foreign man is coming towards him. Foreign man comes and says:
– Terrorists captured Trump, we are collecting donations. If $10.000.000 hasn't given in 1 hour, they will burn him with gasoline.
– How much people donate usually?
– Around 5 gallons.
A Lysol commercial said I should disinfect the thing I touch the most.
I think this is gonna burn.
What does a pig use to treat a burn?
Oinkment
I burn a lot of incense. My buddy asked me what I do when I run out.
I told him I'd buy some myhhr
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I call my w**... the Qur'an
when I burn it, I get s**....
How do they answer the phone at the burn center?
Aloe
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Terrorists have kidnapped our beloved "supreme leader".
Now they are demanding 1 billion or they will burn him with petrol. Please donate whatever you can.
P.S. I ve donated 5 litres.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate these double standards
If you burn a body at a crematorium, you are doing a good job , but do it at home and you're destroying evidence .
My friends suggested I use tinder to meet some cute firemen or policemen
Once it started to burn, I met so many! I even met a reporter and some lawyers!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My wife insulted me saying I s**... at finishing stories.
That's when I hit her with the sickest burn / comeback of all time.
Another Blonde Joke
A blonde, an American, and a Russian are in a bar, bragging about why they're better. The Russian says, "We were the first into space!" The American says, "We were the first on the moon!" The blonde says,"Well we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The American says,"You know you can't do that, right? You'll burn up before you get there." The blonde says,"Well we're not dumb! We're going to go at night!"
A beetle was happily eating a cucumber, but then the cucumber suddenly was immersed in vinegar
As the beetle started to burn it thought, *"Uh oh, now I'm really in a pickle."*
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I just burnt myself making Hawaiian pizza
I should have put it on Aloha Temperature.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My friend said, You have a B.A., Master's, and a Ph.D, but you still act like a m**....
It was a third degree burn.
What the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I hate those people that bang on your door saying you need to be saved or else you'll burn
s**... firemen
What's the best way to burn 1,000 calories?
Leave the pizza in the oven.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Burned my lips kissing my vehicle on a hot summer day.
Kar-muah is a b**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why shouldn't you make fun of burn victims?
Because they have already been roasted one to many times.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people who hurt me and burn them.
I did it. Now what should I do with the letters?
My grandfather told me this one
Doctor: "so tell me, how did you burn your ear?"
Patient: "I was ironing my clothes and the phone rang, and instead of picking up the phone I put the iron to my ear"
Doctor: "so how did your other ear burn?"
Patient: "well I had to call an ambulance didn't I?"
You burn 26 calories a minute kissing.
That's probably why I'm overweight.
I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes.
Friend: How?
Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
