Burn Jokes
145 burn jokes and hilarious burn puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about burn that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Burn Jokes: Looking for the best slow burn or fire burn jokes? This collection of funny jokes includes carpet burn, fire, Koran, and Woolworths jokes. Don't miss out on these funny burns!
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Funniest Burn Short Jokes
Short burn jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The burn humour may include short fires jokes also.
- Breaking News Trump's personal library just burned down The fire consumed both books and he hasn't even finished coloring the second one
- My psychologist told me: "Write letters to the people you hate and later on you burn them."
I have done so, but now I don't know what to do with the letters... - Police officer: "I'm here to inform you that your son burned down the school" Parents: "arson?"
Police officer: "yes, your son" - Just burned 2,000 calories. That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
- What color does your skin turn when you pour molten gold onto it? Au-burn
^He^^He^^^He^^^^He - Did you know that you can tell how smart an ant is by catching it on fire? If it burns, it's a smart ant.
If it doesn't, it's retardant. - Greta Thunberg has just been confirmed as a huge polluter. Her Tweet to Tater-Tot was easily the biggest burn in history.
- My therapist told me a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them I did that, and it really worked! But I'm wondering, what do I do with the letters?
- My friend told me, You have a Bachelor's, a Master's, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot. That was a third degree burn.
- Why did the match factory burn down? Because the workers went on strike
I just thought of this, not sure whether its an original joke
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Burn One Liners
Which burn one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with burn? I can suggest the ones about heat and fuse.
- I burned my Hawaiian pizza today... I guess i should have put the oven on aloha setting
- I burned my finger on my computer processor. It MHz.
- Burned my Hawaiian pizza... Should have put it on aloha temperature.
- How did the hipster burn his lips? He drank his coffee before it was cool.
- My wife made me stop burning clocks She was worried about all that second hand smoke
- I burned 2000 calories today. Last time I take a nap with brownies in the oven.
- If coal is so bad for the environment... why don't we just burn it all?
- I hope the guy who invented Autocorrect burns in Hello!
- What burns longer, a red or a green candle? Neither, they both burn shorter.
- What's a feminists favorite music festival? Burning Man.
- I burned 1000 calories today... Forgot I had a pizza in the oven.
- I used to cut and burn myself. Then I took culinary classes.
- What do you call an insult from an Indian man in a Turban? A Sikh Burn!
- My love for you is like a candle. If you ignore me I will burn your house down.
- The man who invented autocorrect, should burn in hello.
Fire Burn Jokes
Here is a list of funny fire burn jokes and even better fire burn puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Firemen are called to a burning pub. They drag out an Irishman and asked him how the fire started. "I don't know." He says, "It was on fire when I went in there."
- A Kraft cheese factory recently burned down... No one reported the fire for hours, because no one believed that there actually were hot Singles in the area.
- Why do the firemen take out people from a burning building before they put the fire out with water? Bros before hose.
- Today I decided to burn some calories.. So I lit a fat kid on fire.
- My girlfriend is just like a burning hot fire You take away the oxygen and they're gone.
- Best joke my dad ever told me (he wasn't good at telling jokes) Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: To put out forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To put out burning ducks. - Two Eskimos light a fire in their boat in an attempt to stay warm. However, the fire burns through the boat and it sinks, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
- A mathematician is in a burning hotel room. When he spots the fire extinguisher, he says, ok, the problem is solvable and goes back to sleep.
- Why did the mad scientist deliberately create a huge fire tornado? Some people just want to watch the whirled burn.
- My wife told me to burn some calories... So I found a fat kid and set him on fire.
Carpet Burn Jokes
Here is a list of funny carpet burn jokes and even better carpet burn puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Your momma is so hairy When you was born you got carpet burn.
- Yo mamma is so hairy when you were born you had carpet burn.
- Mommy, mommy, christmas tree is burning! Sweetie, the christmas tree is shining, not burning.
Mommy, the carpet and curtains are now shining too! - Yo mama so hairy... Yo mama so hairy that when she gave birth to you, you got carpet burn!
- What STD is found most commonly among l**...? Carpet burn
Slow Burn Jokes
Here is a list of funny slow burn jokes and even better slow burn puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A tobacco shop burned down last week. It was a slow burn. A little earthy, but nice overall.
Experience Good Cheer with Hilarious Burn Jokes and Friends
What funny jokes about burn you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean blast jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make burn pranks.
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them...
I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering...do I keep the letters?
Hipster Jokes!
Why did the hipster float down the tributary?
Because the river was too mainstream.
How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Some obscure number you've never heard of.
Why did the hipster burn his mouth when he ate pizza?
Because he ate it before it was cool.
Blonde vs. Space
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were taking a tour inside of NASA space center. The tour-guide asked them "What planet or other object in our universe would you go to?"
The red head said. "I'd go to Saturn!"
The brunette said, "I'd go to the Moon!"
The blonde said "I'd go to the Sun!"
The tour-guide looked at the blonde. "But if you go the Sun, you'll burn up and die."
The blonde rolled her eyes and replied calmly. "What, do you think I'm s**...? I'd go at night!"
What do burnt pizza, frozen beer and a pregnant chick have in common?
Some d**... forgot to pull it out in time.
I met a Muslim man who said he had the Qur'an on DVD.
The trouble started when I asked him to burn a copy for me.
My love is like a candle
If you don't blow me before bed I'll burn your house down
Watching your wife in childbirth...
Is like watching your favourite pub burn down.
What do a burnt pizza, a frozen beer, and a pregnant woman have in common?
In all 3 cases, someone forgot to pull it out.
How many Deadheads (Grateful Dead fans) does it take to change a lightbulb?
No one knows, they wait for it to burn out and follow it around for twenty years.
A young burn victim gets new eyelids made from his f**...!
Doctors say he will be a little cockeyed.
I burnt 1200 calories yesterday!
Forgot to take the pizza out of the oven...
My little sister's sick burn
She's 7, which makes this so much better.
Her: Hey /u/Teeplaysgames, wanna know why Mom named Noah (our brother) Noah?
Me: Sure, why?
Her: Because the first time she saw him, she yelled "NOO! AHHHH!" and the doctor just wrote that down.
I wonder how many calories women burn by...
... jumping to conclusions.
How did the hipster burn their tongue?
They drank their tea before it was cool.
I asked my pusher for something to burn that would get me s**....
He gave me the Koran.
I hope Rand Paul doesn't pick Scott Walker as his VP
I have a feeling Paul/Walker would c**... and burn.
You can burn up to 150 calories through one vigorous session of m**......
Still got me kicked out of my weight watchers meeting though.
Johnny burned both of his ears
Johnny burned both of his ears. So the doctor asked him at the hospital how it happened.
Johnny: I was ironing my shirt and the phone rang. So, instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear.
Doctor: How the heck did you burn the other ear?
Johnny: They called back.
Getting tired of these people who come to my door, telling me I'm gonna burn unless I'm saved...
The flashing lights on their trucks were pretty cool to see, though.
I'm getting a little tired of these people coming to my door telling me I need to be "saved" or "I'll burn"...
s**... firefighters.
I burnt my Hawaiian Pizza last night.
Must use Aloha setting.
What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer and a pregnant girlfriend have in common?
One d**... who never pulls out in time
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate pizza before it was cool
The Joker is in a room with Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, and has a gun with one bullet, who does he shoot?
Neither. Some men just want to watch the world burn.
What's the difference between smoking w**... and burning the koran?
If you burn the koran, you can only get s**... once.
My Girlfriend told me that if I bought her any more s**... gifts, she would burn it!
So I bought her a candle!
I burnt a lot of calories today…
I set a fat kid on fire.
Telling a racist joke is like getting in a car with an asian driver
If they are not really good, there's a very good chance you'll c**... and burn.
A bodybuilder was killed when a fire broke out in my gym.
Staff tried to e**... him out, but he wanted to feel the burn.
Why do tampons have strings?
So vampires don't burn their fingers while making tea.
Many burn victims are not very attractive,
But all of them used to be extremely hot at some point in the past.
What does a burnt pizza, a pregnant woman and a frozen beer all have in common?
You left it in too long.
Anger Management
As part of my anger management counseling my therapist said I should "Write letters to the people you hate and then burn them."
So I did, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
Because he ate his food before it was cool.
The Quran is like w**...
Burn it and you get s**....
Burnt my Hawaiian pizza today..
I should have cooked it at aloha temperature.
Why did the blonde burn to death?
She couldn't find the snooze button on the smoke alarm.
I just burned 2,000 calories in a few hours.
That's the last time I take a nap while baking brownies.
My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people you hate......"
My Therapist told me "Write letters to the people who you hate and burn them later".
I did that.... But now what should i do with the letters???
What does the Quran have in common with w**...?
Burn it and you get s**...
Burn unit
I asked the doctor what they did with all the foreskins after circumcisions, he told me that years ago they would send them to the burn unit for people with f**... burns for eyelid reconstruction. I asked, why did they stop? He says, because ask the patients ended up looking cockeyed
A man is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington DC.
The traffic is stopped for miles ahead.
Another man walks up next to him and says, "Sir, terrorists have kidnapped every member of congress. If they don't get $100,000,000 in ransom, they will to cover them in gasoline and burn them. I'm here to collect donations."
The man asks, "how much do most people donate?"
"About a gallon."
Why did the hipster burn his mouth while drinking coffee?
Because he drank it before it was cool
The police say that they burn all the w**... they confiscate...
That would explain the doughnuts...
My wife finally quit smoking today.
Who knew a body could burn for so long?
My wife said if I bought her one more s**... present, she would burn it
So I bought her a candle. That showed her.
How did the hipster burn his tongue?
He was drinking coffee before it was cool.
A man stucks in a traffic jam in US
He sees a foreign man is coming towards him. Foreign man comes and says:
– Terrorists captured Trump, we are collecting donations. If $10.000.000 hasn't given in 1 hour, they will burn him with gasoline.
– How much people donate usually?
– Around 5 gallons.
A man went into the doctors with both ears severely burned...
The doctor said 'Christ man, how did you manage that?!'
The man replied 'Well, I was doing the ironing when I suddenly heard the phone ring. I can't believe that I did this, but I accidentally pressed the iron to my ear instead of the phone!'
The doctor thought for a moment and said 'that explains one ear, but how did you burn the other one?'
The man replied 'Well, I burned that one trying to call an ambulance!'
An uncircumcised friend of mine had to have plastic surgery on his eyelids after a severe burn to his face and the doctor used his f**... for the graft...
The doctor was able to save his sight but now he is a little cockeyed.
I call my w**... the Qur'an
when I burn it, I get s**....
How do they answer the phone at the burn center?
Aloe
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night..
Should have put it on aloha setting
I hate these double standards
If you burn a body at a crematorium, you are doing a good job , but do it at home and you're destroying evidence .
My friends suggested I use tinder to meet some cute firemen or policemen
Once it started to burn, I met so many! I even met a reporter and some lawyers!
What did a burnt pizza, pregnant girl and frozen beer can have in common?
Nobody pulled out it time.
I burned 2,000 calories today...
I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven.
I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"
s**... firemen.
Another Blonde Joke
A blonde, an American, and a Russian are in a bar, bragging about why they're better. The Russian says, "We were the first into space!" The American says, "We were the first on the moon!" The blonde says,"Well we're going to be the first on the sun!"
The American says,"You know you can't do that, right? You'll burn up before you get there." The blonde says,"Well we're not dumb! We're going to go at night!"
A mentor of mine once told me
that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. Well, I did that and I feel much, much better, but I'm not sure what to do with all these letters.
My friend said, You have a B.A., Master's, and a Ph.D, but you still act like a m**....
It was a third degree burn.
What the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize
I hate those people that bang on your door saying you need to be saved or else you'll burn
s**... firemen
What's the best way to burn 1,000 calories?
Leave the pizza in the oven.
I just burned 3,000 calories!!
My fault for leaving my brownies in the oven while I took a nap though.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza the other night
I should have put it on aloha temperature
But what do I do with the letters?
My psychotherapist once told me that I should write letters to the people that did me harm and then burn them. But what do I do with the letters?