Burglarize Jokes
137 burglarize jokes and hilarious burglarize puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about burglarize that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Burglarize Short Jokes
Short burglarize jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The burglarize humour may include short jokes also.
- Two burglars are robbing a liquor store. One turns to the other and asks, "Is this whiskey?"
The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank." - It's ironic that Pistorius will wake up this morning and there really will be a burglar using his toilet.
- A burglar entered my house In the middle of the night so I asked him what he was doing. He said he was looking for money so I got up and searched with him :(
- A burglar stole all the light bulbs in my house I know I should be more upset, but I'm absolutely delighted!
- As the burglar entered our darkened room, I put the red dot right between his eyes and then… …let my cat do the rest.
- I work at a store that was burglarized. An investigating officer asked me where I was between 5 and 6.
He didn't seem pleased when I answered:
"Kindergarten." - A gang of midget burglars broke into a butchers but fled empty handed. It seems the steaks were too high.
- Did you hear about the chocolate bar burglar?! The police are trying to catch him, but he's always got a few Twix up his sleeve!
- A Burglar broke into our house last night. I didn't shoot him. I just put the red laser dot on his forehead. Our three cats did the rest.
- A Burglar got into the house of a Lawyer the other day... After a terrible struggle, the Lawyer succeeded in robbing him.
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Burglarize One Liners
Which burglarize one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with burglarize? I can suggest the ones about and .
- Why don't cats make good burglars? They can't get past the laser defenses
- I saw a Burglar breaking his own house the other day. Turns out he was Working from Home.
- What was the burglar doing in Wayne Manor? He was Robin.
- What runs faster than a burglar with a TV? His cousin with the DVD
- What do you call a pig thief? A Ham-burglar!
- I know a burglar who doesn't understand figurative language He takes things literally
- One night a burglar broke into my house All he got was practice.
- I'd want a burglar to break into my house, I'll help them look for money.
- What do you get when you pour cement on a burglar? a hardened criminal.
- Have you heard about the sensitive burglar? He takes things personally.
- How did the burglar break in? Intruder window
- How do you fight off four burglars with nothing but a TV remote? Please respond quickly!
- Why are burglars so sensitive? Because they take things personally
- Did you guys hear about the colorblind burglar? He was caught green-handed
- A burglar stole all my lamps I should be upset but I'm
Delighted
Burglarize Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about burglarize you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make burglarize pranks.
Yo momma's so poor, burglars break into her home and leave money.
Burglar gently waking me... "you live like this?"
Tom went to the Police Station
Tom went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
You'll get your chance in court. said the Desk Sergeant.
No, no no! said Tom. I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!
A burglar
While robbing a home a burglar hears someone say "Jesus is watching you."
To his relief he realizes it is just a parrot mimicking something he heard. The burglar asks the parrot "What is your name?"
The parrot says "Moses"
The burglar goes on to ask "What kind of person names their parrot Moses?"
The parrot replies "The same kind of man that names his rottweiler Jesus."
Jesus knows you're here
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shines his flashlight around the house looking for valuables when a voice in the dark says "Jesus knows you're here." Freaked out, he turns his flashlight off and freezes, but hears nothing more so shakes his head and continues. As he is disconnecting cables from the TV, he hears very clearly "Jesus is watching you." Startled, he shines his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice. In the corner of the room he spots a Parrot. "Did you say that?" he asks. "Yes," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you." The burglar laughs a bit, "warn me huh? Who in the world are you!" "Moses." The bird replies. With a now humorous tone, the burglar asks "What kind of person would name a bird Moses?" The bird replies "the same kind of people who would name a rottweiler Jesus."
A burglar breaks into a house...
He starts searching the house for valuables and comes across some jewelery, which he begins to stuff into his bag. Just then a menacing voice echoes through the house moaning "Jesus is watching you". The burglar looks around, sees no one and decides his imagination is just playing tricks on him. As the burglar continues his search he finds some electronics, but before he can stuff them in his bag he hears the voice again moaning "Jesus is watching you". This time the burglar takes a good look around the room he's in and realizes that there is a bird cage with a parrot in it. He walks up to the parrot and asks, "Did you say that?". The parrot stares at him for a second and replies "yes". The burglar realizes that the parrot is somewhat intelligent so he asks "What's your name?". The parrot squawks "Moses".
"What kinda guy names his parrot Moses?"
"The same kinda guy who names his vicious rottweiler Jesus"
A burglar
Some young man is trying to get into my room through the window, screamed old Mrs. Kleinman into the telephone.
Sorry, lady, came back the answer, you've got the fire department. What you want is the police department.
No, no, she pleaded, I want the fire department. What he needs is a longer ladder!
Jesus is watching
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in
the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
Why didn't Kevin from Home Alone call the cops when the burglars came around?
He was running a trap house.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..
*Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.
Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
I got robbed last night
The burglar replaced everything with an exact replica
A boy runs into his parent's bedroom at 3am and says, "Dad! Dad! There's a burglar in the kitchen eating all of mom's leftover chili!"
The dad replies, "Go back to bed, son. We'll bury him in the morning."
Whats the difference between a burglar and an ex-wife?
At least the burglar has the decency to leave you the house.
Russian burglar
What does a Russian burglar wear? ( In a Russian accent ) robber boots
What did Vladimir say to the burglar ?
I hope your putin that back.
Work-out with a smile
I didn't make it to the gym today, that makes five years in a row.
I decided to change calling the bathroom the "john" and renamed it the "jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the jim this morning.
Dear paranoid people who check behind the shower curtains for a burglar. If you find one, what's your plan??
Everyone has the right to be s**.... Some just a**... the privilege!
What do you call a Mexican burglar?
Juanted
Broke
Last night, a burglar broke into my flat looking for some money. I woke up and went with him to join him in the search.
Burglary At Adult Novelty Store -
Burglars were caught by their mechanic after complaining of a serious vibration in the rear.
What did the guy who burglarized the German bakers store at Christmas find out.
All of his cookies were Stollen.
We had gay burglars the other night.
They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.
The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.
The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.
The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."
I saw a burglar on the CCTV of my elements shop. He was taking gold, iodine, carbon, uranium, platinum, and three bottles of nitric oxide. I said over the tannoy....
'Au, I C U! NO NO NO!'
I didn't mention the Fifth Element because it was so overpriced and overhyped.
"My first son has a PHD in arts, my daughter has two degrees in communication and jornalism and my youngest son is a burglar."
Friend: "Wow a burglar? You should kick him out!"
Dad: "Nah... he is the only one who makes money."
What do you call a piano playing burglar?
felonious monk
Recently, a burglar in Paris...
Recently, a burglar in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past heavy security, he was captured only two blocks away, when his getaway vehicle stalled in the middle of the road. When asked how he could mastermind such a daring crime, and then be caught only a couple blocks away, he replied,
I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
What does a crook see with?
Burglarize
What did the burglar say as he escaped down the stairs?
I didn't quite catch it, but I'll bet it was condescending.
A burglar broke into my house
In search of money last night.
Startled with the noise of footsteps, I woke up
and continued to search with him.
If you've heard of Post Malone maybe you've heard of h**... Malone
It's this classic movie about a young boy who gets left behind by his family at Christmas and has to defend his house from burglars.
A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night
and said, " I think there's a burglar downstairs and he's eating the cake that my mother made for us. "
" Who do you want me to call? " said the husband
" The police or an ambulance? "
A guy walks into a house and steals all the ham
Ham burglar
My house got broken into last night
and the burglar only stole my lamps. I'm delighted.
Three burglars are running from the police
They go into a dark alley and hide in three sacks. The police look around and one of them kicks the first sack and the burglar goes "meow", "just cats" he thinks. He then kicks the second one and the the second burglar goes " meow" so the police pass it off as more cats. He then kicks the last sack and the burglar says "potatoes".
Why did the burglar take a shower?
Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
What's the difference between a burglar and a cheap c**...?
One breaks and enters, the other enters and breaks.
An idiot has a mirror in his closet
He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops
"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"
A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can
"Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!"
A man burglarizes homes so he can afford to renovate his kitchen...
I guess you could say he's taking things for granite.
When Will Smith was burglarized, what did detectives find at the scene of the crime?
Fresh prints.
A burglar broke into the Police Department and stole all of the toilets . . .
The police are investigating, but they have nothing to go on.
Post Malone may be a popular rapper, but have you heard of his long-lost cousin h**... Malone?
His most popular track is about some kid named Kevin who has to fight off burglars in his house.
Burglars are getting smarter and smarter ...
My wife woke me up the other day and said "darling, I think there's a burglar downstairs, can you go and check?" So I go downstairs and look in every room, and there was no burglar to be seen. Then I realised,..
I don't have a wife.
Why did the burglar skip the kitchen?
He didn't want to take any whisks.
A burglar broke into my home last night.
He was searching for money. So I woke up and searched with him.
What does the amputee call the burglar?
Armed and Dangerous
What do Bill Cosby and a burglar have in common?
They both wait until you're asleep, then come in the b**....
The police station was burglarized. The burglars stole the toilet seat.
Police have nothing to go on.
1937 in Moscow
Moscow. The year is 1937. At around 3 am, a man wakes up to the sound of the door being broken down and he goes to inspect it. He returns to the bedroom where his wife is trembling and crying. "Don't worry my dear, it's just burglars!"
A burglar walks into an art show.
He says, "Give me all your Monet."
A burglar enters a house
The owner wakes up and asks:
"What are you doing?"
"I'm looking for money"
"Nice, tell me if you find any"
Last week, a burglary was reported at the fairgrounds
The burglars appear to have taken the bumper cars, the Tilt-a-Whirl, the spinning teacups, the Whirligig swing, the carousel and the Ferris wheel. Detectives have been searching the fairgrounds for clues, but report they still haven't found anything to go on.
West London police wish to alert local residents about the activities of the infamous cross-eyed burglar.
If you see this man staring in your windows,
warn the people next door.
What did one burglar say to the other before entering a window into the church?
"Let us pry."
My sister asked me to help her baby proof her house.
I told her, 'I helped you burglar proof the place last year, that should be enough to keep the babies out, too.'
I see Jamie Oliver tackled that burglar by tripping him up with a bowl of egg, milk and flour.
Now the perp is complaining that Jamie battered him.
What's a burglar's favorite song?
Tresspacito
Burglar: if you wanna live give me all of your money
Me: bold of you to assume that I wanna live and that I have money
The police are investigating a burglar who robbed my home and drew a picture of himself.
The details are sketchy.
What did one burglar say to the other while robbing the shoe store?
I don't feel comfortable breaking into these shoes
I live in constant fear
I live in constant fear that one day while I'm least suspecting it someone might break in to burglarize and kill my mother-in-law, who lives at 375 Woodland Ave in the light blue house, only one dog who is friendly and no alarm set, always leaves the kitchen window unlocked and without screen, sleeps on the second floor south room next to the bathroom which is where she keeps all her jewelry hidden behind the mirror.
Burglar breaks into my house: Give me your values and you won't get hurt! Me: Yea right buddy- Alexa, call the police!
Alexa: Shuffling songs by, The Police.
('Roxanne' plays in the background as I'm shot 9 times)
Why did the burglar avoid stealing the kitchen utensils?
He decided it wasn't worth the wisk.
Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his studio
The burglar got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who broke into his house the night before...
You'll get your chance in court. said the Desk Sergeant.
No! said the man. I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!
What's the difference between peeping toms and a burglar?...
A burglar snatches watches. - Redd Foxx
Burglar was robbing his own house. When asked what are you doing ?
He said "working from home"
Just seen a burglar k**... his own door in.
I asked: What are you doing?
He said: Working from home.
I heard a burglar in my back garden
I wanted to go out and confront him but I didn't want him to take a fence