Burglar Jokes
101 burglar jokes and hilarious burglar puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about burglar that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Humor can be found in even the darkest of topics. If you're looking for a good laugh, check out our selection of Burglar Jokes! From hilarious tales about a cat burglar, to vandalistic puns involving a flashlight, these jokes are sure to bring some cheer to the topic of robbery.
Funniest Burglar Short Jokes
Short burglar jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The burglar humour may include short robber jokes also.
- Two burglars are robbing a liquor store. One turns to the other and asks, "Is this whiskey?"
The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank." - It's ironic that Pistorius will wake up this morning and there really will be a burglar using his toilet.
- A burglar entered my house In the middle of the night so I asked him what he was doing. He said he was looking for money so I got up and searched with him :(
- A burglar stole all the light bulbs in my house I know I should be more upset, but I'm absolutely delighted!
- As the burglar entered our darkened room, I put the red dot right between his eyes and then… …let my cat do the rest.
- I work at a store that was burglarized. An investigating officer asked me where I was between 5 and 6.
He didn't seem pleased when I answered:
"Kindergarten." - A gang of midget burglars broke into a butchers but fled empty handed. It seems the steaks were too high.
- Did you hear about the chocolate bar burglar?! The police are trying to catch him, but he's always got a few Twix up his sleeve!
- A Burglar broke into our house last night. I didn't shoot him. I just put the red laser dot on his forehead. Our three cats did the rest.
- A Burglar got into the house of a Lawyer the other day... After a terrible struggle, the Lawyer succeeded in robbing him.
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Burglar One Liners
Which burglar one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with burglar? I can suggest the ones about grave robber and armed robber.
- Why don't cats make good burglars? They can't get past the laser defenses
- I saw a Burglar breaking his own house the other day. Turns out he was Working from Home.
- What was the burglar doing in Wayne Manor? He was Robin.
- What runs faster than a burglar with a TV? His cousin with the DVD
- What do you call a pig thief? A Ham-burglar!
- I know a burglar who doesn't understand figurative language He takes things literally
- One night a burglar broke into my house All he got was practice.
- I'd want a burglar to break into my house, I'll help them look for money.
- What do you get when you pour cement on a burglar? a hardened criminal.
- Have you heard about the sensitive burglar? He takes things personally.
- How did the burglar break in? Intruder window
- How do you fight off four burglars with nothing but a TV remote? Please respond quickly!
- Why are burglars so sensitive? Because they take things personally
- Did you guys hear about the colorblind burglar? He was caught green-handed
- A burglar stole all my lamps I should be upset but I'm
Delighted
Cat Burglar Jokes
Here is a list of funny cat burglar jokes and even better cat burglar puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Want to know how to scare burglars off? First: Put pictures of a tiger all around your house.
Second: Put a cat litter tray in your hallway and take a dump in it. - Last Halloween, my friend Lucy dressed up like a cat burglar on a jewel heist. Lucy….in disguise with diamonds.
- Time to change careers. This cat burglar thing isn't working out. Too many friggin' scratches.
- Every bottle of milk in my house disappeared overnight. We must have been robbed by a cat burglar.
- Why did the man put a dead tiger on his lawn? To scare off Cat burglars!
Fun-Filled Burglar Jokes to Boost Your Mood
What funny jokes about burglar you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean car thief jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make burglar pranks.
Tom went to the Police Station
Tom went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
You'll get your chance in court. said the Desk Sergeant.
No, no no! said Tom. I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!
A burglar
While robbing a home a burglar hears someone say "Jesus is watching you."
To his relief he realizes it is just a parrot mimicking something he heard. The burglar asks the parrot "What is your name?"
The parrot says "Moses"
The burglar goes on to ask "What kind of person names their parrot Moses?"
The parrot replies "The same kind of man that names his rottweiler Jesus."
Jesus knows you're here
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shines his flashlight around the house looking for valuables when a voice in the dark says "Jesus knows you're here." Freaked out, he turns his flashlight off and freezes, but hears nothing more so shakes his head and continues. As he is disconnecting cables from the TV, he hears very clearly "Jesus is watching you." Startled, he shines his light around frantically looking for the source of the voice. In the corner of the room he spots a Parrot. "Did you say that?" he asks. "Yes," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you." The burglar laughs a bit, "warn me huh? Who in the world are you!" "Moses." The bird replies. With a now humorous tone, the burglar asks "What kind of person would name a bird Moses?" The bird replies "the same kind of people who would name a rottweiler Jesus."
A burglar breaks into a house...
He starts searching the house for valuables and comes across some jewelery, which he begins to stuff into his bag. Just then a menacing voice echoes through the house moaning "Jesus is watching you". The burglar looks around, sees no one and decides his imagination is just playing tricks on him. As the burglar continues his search he finds some electronics, but before he can stuff them in his bag he hears the voice again moaning "Jesus is watching you". This time the burglar takes a good look around the room he's in and realizes that there is a bird cage with a parrot in it. He walks up to the parrot and asks, "Did you say that?". The parrot stares at him for a second and replies "yes". The burglar realizes that the parrot is somewhat intelligent so he asks "What's your name?". The parrot squawks "Moses".
"What kinda guy names his parrot Moses?"
"The same kinda guy who names his vicious rottweiler Jesus"
A burglar
Some young man is trying to get into my room through the window, screamed old Mrs. Kleinman into the telephone.
Sorry, lady, came back the answer, you've got the fire department. What you want is the police department.
No, no, she pleaded, I want the fire department. What he needs is a longer ladder!
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..
*Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone.
Then I realised I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
A boy runs into his parent's bedroom at 3am and says, "Dad! Dad! There's a burglar in the kitchen eating all of mom's leftover chili!"
The dad replies, "Go back to bed, son. We'll bury him in the morning."
Whats the difference between a burglar and an ex-wife?
At least the burglar has the decency to leave you the house.
Russian burglar
What does a Russian burglar wear? ( In a Russian accent ) robber boots
What did Vladimir say to the burglar ?
I hope your putin that back.
What do you call a Mexican burglar?
Juanted
Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.
The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.
The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.
The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."
I saw a burglar on the CCTV of my elements shop. He was taking gold, iodine, carbon, uranium, platinum, and three bottles of nitric oxide. I said over the tannoy....
'Au, I C U! NO NO NO!'
I didn't mention the Fifth Element because it was so overpriced and overhyped.
"My first son has a PHD in arts, my daughter has two degrees in communication and jornalism and my youngest son is a burglar."
Friend: "Wow a burglar? You should kick him out!"
Dad: "Nah... he is the only one who makes money."
Recently, a burglar in Paris...
Recently, a burglar in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past heavy security, he was captured only two blocks away, when his getaway vehicle stalled in the middle of the road. When asked how he could mastermind such a daring crime, and then be caught only a couple blocks away, he replied,
I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.
A burglar broke into my house
In search of money last night.
Startled with the noise of footsteps, I woke up
and continued to search with him.
A woman woke her husband in the middle of the night
and said, " I think there's a burglar downstairs and he's eating the cake that my mother made for us. "
" Who do you want me to call? " said the husband
" The police or an ambulance? "
A guy walks into a house and steals all the ham
Ham burglar
Three burglars are running from the police
They go into a dark alley and hide in three sacks. The police look around and one of them kicks the first sack and the burglar goes "meow", "just cats" he thinks. He then kicks the second one and the the second burglar goes " meow" so the police pass it off as more cats. He then kicks the last sack and the burglar says "potatoes".
Why did the burglar take a shower?
Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
What's the difference between a burglar and a cheap c**...?
One breaks and enters, the other enters and breaks.
An idiot has a mirror in his closet
He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops
"Police! There's a burglar in my closet, come quickly!"
A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can
"Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!"
A burglar broke into the Police Department and stole all of the toilets . . .
The police are investigating, but they have nothing to go on.
Burglars are getting smarter and smarter ...
My wife woke me up the other day and said "darling, I think there's a burglar downstairs, can you go and check?" So I go downstairs and look in every room, and there was no burglar to be seen. Then I realised,..
I don't have a wife.
Why did the burglar skip the kitchen?
He didn't want to take any whisks.
A burglar broke into my home last night.
He was searching for money. So I woke up and searched with him.
What do Bill Cosby and a burglar have in common?
They both wait until you're asleep, then come in the b**....
A burglar walks into an art show.
He says, "Give me all your Monet."
A burglar enters a house
The owner wakes up and asks:
"What are you doing?"
"I'm looking for money"
"Nice, tell me if you find any"
West London police wish to alert local residents about the activities of the infamous cross-eyed burglar.
If you see this man staring in your windows,
warn the people next door.
What did one burglar say to the other before entering a window into the church?
"Let us pry."
My sister asked me to help her baby proof her house.
I told her, 'I helped you burglar proof the place last year, that should be enough to keep the babies out, too.'
There was a burglary last night at the Los Angeles Police Department headquarters.
The thief or thieves stole all of the toilets.
When asked about the investigation, and LAPD spokesman said they have nothing to go on.
I see Jamie Oliver tackled that burglar by tripping him up with a bowl of egg, milk and flour.
Now the perp is complaining that Jamie battered him.
Why did the burglar avoid stealing the kitchen utensils?
He decided it wasn't worth the wisk.
Pablo Picasso surprised a burglar at work in his studio
The burglar got away, but Picasso told the police he could do a rough sketch of what he looked like. On the basis of his drawing, the police arrested a mother superior, a washing machine, and the Eiffel tower.
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who broke into his house the night before...
You'll get your chance in court. said the Desk Sergeant.
No! said the man. I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!
What's the difference between peeping toms and a burglar?...
A burglar snatches watches. - Redd Foxx
Burglar was robbing his own house. When asked what are you doing ?
He said "working from home"
Just seen a burglar k**... his own door in.
I asked: What are you doing?
He said: Working from home.
I heard a burglar in my back garden
I wanted to go out and confront him but I didn't want him to take a fence
Fridge Noises
"Why does my fridge have to sound like a burglar breaking in?" I complained at midnight.
"What kind of fridge do you *have?*" the burglar asked.
A burglar broke into a house. As he was opening the safe, he heard a voice
The voice was saying "Jesus and I are watching you". The burglar turns around and sees a parrot.
"s**... bird, it was you that scared the h**... out of me"
"Yes, it was me, Aristotle"
The burglar laughs and says "That's a s**... name for a parrot"
The parrot replied "Well, Jesus is a s**... name for a doberman"
It's hard to explain why theft is wrong to a burglar...
Because they tend to take things literally.
Jesus is watching you
A burglar breaks into a dark house one night. He's moving around in the dark, when he hears a calm voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
The burglar freaks out, shines his flashlight around and spots a Parrot sitting in his cage. The parrot says again, "Jesus is watching you."
Relieved it was just a Parrot, and laughing, the thief asks the Parrot, "what's your name, Parrot?"
The Parrot replies, "My name is Moses."
Laughing again, the burglar asks, "Who would name their Parrot Moses?"
Parrot: "The same people who named their Doberman, Jesus."
Why was the burglar so sensitive?
He takes things personally
Be Strong
A burglar entered a bedroom, t**... the husband and wife, kissed the wife's ear and went to the bathroom..
The husband said to the wife "Satisfy him or he will kill us, be strong. I love you"
Wife said "He didn't kiss me, he whispered in my ear that he is gay, he needs vaseline and i told him it's in the bathroom. So be strong, I love you too."
A burglar breaks in a house
As he is looking around he hears a voice "Jesus is watching you!" Panicked he looks around but sees nothing and nobody. He keeps searching for loot when again "Jesus is watching you!" This time he does a better search and finally sees a parrot in a cage. "Did you say that?" he asks "Yes, it was me." confirms the parrot. "What's your name?" we inquires. "Moses" answers the parrot. Burglar can't help but to laugh. "What kind of people name their parrot Moses?" "Same type of people that name their guard pit bull Jesus."
A burglar breaks into a joint
While going through the owner's belongings a shrill voices goes:
"Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly Father is watching you!"
Slightly irritated, the burglar switches on the light and sees a parrot in the corner, repeating its line:
"Heavenly Father is watching you! Heavenly Father is watching you!"
Burglar: "Hahaha! Look at you, what's your name?"
Parrot: "Jared Leto"
Burglar: "That's an odd name for a parrot. Who would name their parrot 'Jared-Leto'?
Parrot: "The same person who would name his rottweiler 'Heavenly Father'!
*First Cake day joke!
Two burglars tried to ransack a comedian's office, but they were caught while making their getaway.
Turns out they couldn't take a joke.
My house was burgled the other night. When the police arrived, they asked me, Did you happen to see, or can you tell us anything about, the burglar? Well... it was rather dark, I replied.
The police officer says, Okay… and how tall was it?
I don't think he understood me very well.
A burglar breaks in to a house
A burglar breaks into a house,
as he's wandering through the first floor he hears Jesus is watching you ,
Startled, he looks around and he sees a parrot, as he sees the parrot it says to him Jesus is watching you ,
Hello parrot says the burglar, so your name is Jesus,eh?
No says the parrot, my name is Moses
Moses? , Says the burglar, who names their parrot Moses?
The same people who named that Rottweiler behind you Jesus , says the parrot
Why did the burglar file for unemployment?
Everyone was home last year.
What kind of salad dressing does a sneaky burglar use?
Hidden Alley Ranch.
Burglar breaks into a house
Burglar breaks in. Immediately hears a voice say "Jesus sees you". He looks around to figure out who was talking to him. Frustrated he yells " Who is it? Who are you?" "I am moses", answers someone. Spotting the source of the voice, he finds Moses, a parrot. Burglar angrily asks "Which idiot named a parrot Moses?" Parrot answers "Same idiot who named the rottweiler Jesus, RIP".
A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
The desk sergeant replied, "You would get your chance in court."
The man replied, "No, no no. I just want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I have been trying to do that for years."
A burglar broke into our house last night…
I didn't fight back, I just put the red laser dot on his forehead and the 3 cats did the rest.
(Copied from a comment I saw to funny not to share since this whole sub is reposts)
Jesus is watching
A burglar sneaks into someone's home, and while stealing he suddenly hears a voice in the dark.
"Jesus is watching."
Not knowing where it's from, he continues stealing until once again he hears "Jesus is watching". He then notices a bird cage with a parrot inside, with a name plate that says "Moses".
"Moses?" he asks. "What kind of m**... would name their parrot Moses?"
Moses then says "Same guy that names his doberman Jesus".
A burglar broke into a home…
He heard a soft voice say, "Jesus is watching you."
Thinking it was just his imagination, he continued his search.
Again, "Jesus is watching you."
He turned his flashlight around, and saw a parrot in a cage.
He asked the parrot if he was the one talking.
The parrot said, "Yes."
He asked the parrot his name.
The parrot said, "Moses."
The burglar asked, "What kind of people would name their parrot, Moses?"
The parrot replied, "The same kind of people who would name their pitbull Jesus."
