The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."
The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
The fairy says I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day.
The professor says I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read? so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says I'll be an artist so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says I got a masters degree in art.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."
The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up.
The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.
The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.
The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
I'd have two dollars and a bunch of counterfeits
and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Ten minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 10 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back to back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back to back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
To reverse and leaving the scene
...St. Peter looks through his book and tells him "I don't see any reason why we should let you in. You don't seem to have done anything worthy in your life."
The guy replies: "what about the time I was driving and saw a woman with a flat tire beside the road? A bunch of bikers had surrounded her and were giving her a hard time. I stopped and got out; they turned on me so I grabbed a tire iron and told them to back off."
St. Peter: "You really did that? When did this happen?"
The guy: "About 5 minutes ago!"
The government reveals their new logo today, on a black background sit a magnificent image of a condom.
I guess it makes sense, seeings as how a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while being screwed.
Sorry not Emo kids......Chemo kids..
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers.
She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in.
She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'
'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!'
...I'm still horny as fuck. What can I get with $3?" The Brothel Manager says: "Well, we can give you a Chimp."
Man takes the chimp into a room & gets down to business. Still unsatisfied, he goes back to the manager.
Man: "Hey man, the chimp was alright but I'm still horny as fuck. What can I get for a nickel?
Manager: "Well, we have a live peep show you can jack off to."
The man goes to a corridor where a bunch of dudes were looking thru peep holes. He looks into one and sees a beautiful woman fucking a dog.
Man: "Holy crap. This is insane!"
Another guy next to him said: " No man, this is nothing. Just awhile ago, we saw this dude fucking a chimp!"
I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family.
The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.
The devil says he must choose a room in hell to spend the rest of eternity in. He walks into the first room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a wood floor.
He thinks "No way. I can't do that for eternity"
He walks into the second room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a metal floor.
He thinks "I definitely can't do that for eternity"
He walks into a third room where theres a bunch of people standing in 4 feet of shit and drinking coffee.
He says to himself "...well I guess I could get used to the smell."
After 10 minutes in the room, the devil comes in and says "Alright, coffee break's over. Back to headstands."
Who is calling you that son?
A bunch of cute boys.
He sits down and asks the bartender what the deal is with the meat. Bartender says the deal is if you want a free drink you gotta jump up and touch the meat but if you miss, you buy a round for the bar. The guy takes another look at the meat and the bartender asks if he's in. No, says the guy the steaks are too high.
So a man walks into confession and says "Forgive me father, for I have sinned". The priest says "What have you done, my son?"
"I'm 72 and just had sex with two 25 year olds" he claimed.
"Are you kidding?!" the priest said. "You can't do that. 100 Hail Mary's and run around the church 1000 times. By the way is this your first confession?"
"Yes I've never been to confession before. I'm Jewish."
"If you are Jewish why are you telling me this?" begged the priest.
"I'm telling everybody"
.......that it is changing the national flag to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security whilst you're actually being fucked!!
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says,
"I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500
American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. "
The room is quiet and no one takes up the
Texan's offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good? ", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of
Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? ".
The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first ".
The first nun said, "I was cleaning the father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines!"
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them all in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, yesterday, I was in the father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms."
"Oh my," gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them," she replied.
The third nun said, "Oh shit."
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed". That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed". That's Advertising.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed". That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed". That's Brand Recognition.
They must be scared of the dark or something.
my car to reverse leaving the scene.
I walked into the gym and see a bunch of ladies working out, I ask the guy who is running the gym, Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies? He smiles says Try the ATM in the lobby .
They're all looking out of the window.
The Chinese trying to show off throws a bag of rice out of the window, "We have a lot of rice".
The American grabs a bunch of dollar bills and throws them out, "WE have a lot of money".
The Syrian tells the German glaring at him, "what the fuck are you thinking!"
None of them liked the concept, but their grandparents were sold on the idea.
I sat down next to a beautiful blonde and she kept looking at me and my bulging pockets.
Finally, after many puzzled glances from her, I said, "It's golf balls."
The blonde continued to look at me for a very long time, thinking deeply about what I had said.
Finally, unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back. The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.
One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? , asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone? .
The Irishman replies, Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first .
The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You're all a bunch of idiots."
Two Irish nuns, old and young, were sitting at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulled up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior thought this would be a good test for the novice, and turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."
So, Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin' wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough, Sister?"
But when a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys it's your mom?
The NBA
It's a bunch of guy's without pants fighting for a belt....
A condom stands up to inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to
the currency exchange window at the local bank. Just one lady in front of me...an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty? Why it change?' The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations'. The Asian lady says, 'Fluc you white people, too'.
and is in the part of his routine where he riffs off a bunch of blonde jokes, one after the other. A blonde woman in the front row is getting upset, and finally says, "I'll have you know, just because a woman is blonde doesn't mean she is dumb. There are plenty of highly intelligent, successful blonde women in the world. I should know, because I'm one of them. "
The ventriloquist says, "Hey lady, don't get upset. It's just harmless jokes. "
The blond replies, "You butt out of it, I'm talking to that little jerk on your lap. "
But when a girl sleeps with a bunch of guys i'm not one of them?
At the end of JFKs presidency, half of his head was missing.
Dirty bastards
How come that when a women sleeps with a bunch of guys, she is considered a slut but when a man does it, he is considered gay?
Hey guys, don't know if you're familiar with these kind of jokes, but they were my favorite growing up, so I thought I'd post a bunch of the here. They're pretty corny, but I hope you enjoy!
*Take A Breather* by Justin Hale
*How to Become Famous* by Anonymous
*Living Long* by Diane Perish
*How to Get Rich* by Robin A. Bank
*I'm So Greedy* by Jenna Russ
*How to Drive a Manual Transmission* by Otto Matic
*How to be a Great Pilot* by Mae Day
*Where to Find Wildebeests* By Sara N. Getti
*Raising Kids* by Bill E. Goat
*Warriors of Feudal Japan* by Sam A. Rye
*Woodwind Instruments* by Clara Net
*Tragedy at the Grand Canyon* by Eileen Dover
*The Human Brain* by Sir E. Brum and Sara Bellum
*Deep in Debt* by Owen A. Lott
*The World is a Big Place* by Mike Robe
*Confessions of a Mental Patient* by Justin Sane
I walk in and see a bunch of hot women working out. I walk up to the guy who is running the gym and ask him, " Sir, what machine should I use to impress the ladies over there?" He smiles at me and says, " Try the ATM Machine in the lobby."
The NBA
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman, "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.
The second Irishman says "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
They continue drinking their beer, roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi, when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman. "One of the girls must have died."
Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door,
Knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"
They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi
When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.
"One of the girls must have died.
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?
A guy goes to a club in Germany with a t-shirt that says:
Turks have three problems
Immediately a Turk comes up and says:
-- What's that supposed to mean, on your t-shirt? You looking for trouble?
-- See, this is your first problem. You are too aggressive. You start quarrels for nothing.
-- Oh yeah? Let's go outside.
They go outside, and the guy brings a bunch of his compatriots for support:
-- There's five of us. What are you gonna do now, jerk?
-- This is your second problem. You cannot deal with your shit alone, you always have to bring your girlfriends about.
-- What? You're screwed!
They pull out knives and start to close in aggressively.
-- And this is your third and biggest problem. You bring knives to a shoot-out.
Three women see a man lying on the shore of a beach and decide to approach him. The man has no arms or legs. Feeling sorry for the poor man, the British woman of the bunch goes over to him.
"Have you ever been hugged?" The British woman asks.
"No." The man replies, sadly. So the British woman goes down to him and hugs him. The man smiles. Next, the Welsh woman goes over to him and asks, "Have you ever been kissed?".
"No" the man replies. So the Welsh woman bends over and kisses the poor man on his lips. Lastly, the Scottish woman goes over to the man. At this point the man is very excited, and can only imagine what this last woman will do to him.
"Have you ever been fucked?" The Scottish woman asks.
"No!" The man says, excitedly.
"Well you will be when the tide comes in!"
...in their car in Dublin when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us your chest, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Margaret, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."
So Sister Mary Margaret rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin' wankers, before I come over there and rip yer nuts off!"
Sister Mary Margaret looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?!"
One evening an old farmer went to go down to the pond, as he hasn't been there in a while, he grabbed a five gallon bucket and some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard some voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted at him "we're not coming out until you leave!" The old man frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or get out of the pond naked". Holding the bucket up he said "I'm here to feed the alligator."
All the 4 founding hosiers were sitting around and no one could agree on a name. They finally decided to put a bunch of letters in a hat and 3 people would draw one out at a time while the last transcribed the name.
The first guy drew and read, "C, eh?"
The next drew, "N, eh?"
Finally the last maple head drew and said, "D, eh?"
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
The 'slut' double-standard always kind of annoys me. If a woman sleeps with a bunch of dudes, she's a slut, but if a guy goes out and does the same thing, all of a sudden he's 'gay'.
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions.
The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and mad at the same time."
She said: "O.K., out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis."
So I'm sitting on the side of the road, car broken down, when a guy pulls up to me. He gets out and asks if I need help. I said, "Sure, if you can fix it." He walks around back and kicks the bumper, slams his fist on the trunk, and twists the gas gap a bunch of times. Then he walks around to the side, opens the door, and slams it shut a few times, then pulls on the front handle for about a minute. He asks me to try it again, and sure enough it starts. I ask him, "Is it fixed?" He says, "No, I tricked the car into thinking it works again. I say, "Wow, you're not too bad of a bad mechanic." Confused, he says, "Mechanic? No.... I'm a Chiropractor."
Saint Peter asks him if he has done any good deeds in his time on Earth to merit entry into paradise.
Thinking for a moment, he says, "I was once in a bar in Arizona. I noticed a beautiful woman sitting alone, but before I could introduce myself a bunch of Hell's Angels stormed in and started wrecking the place. Then they scooped the woman off of her bar stool and started throwing her around and terrorizing all of the other guys there."
Saint Peter asks, "And what did you do?"
"Well, first I went outside and kicked their motorcycles over, then I went back in and found the biggest, ugliest, meanest one of them I could. Slapped him in the face, then snatched one of his earrings out and said, 'Listen up. Either you and your friends clear out of here and leave that woman alone or you're going to have to deal with me'."
Clearly impressed, Saint Peter asks, "When did this happen?"
"About five minutes ago."
I'll admit it was a waist of time.
The Necro Comic-Con
One day an old man was sitting on his porch and sees a young boy walking by holding a spool of chicken wire. The old man calls out to the boy and asks, "What do you have there boy?" The boy says, "I got me some chicken wire, I'm going to catch me some chickens!"
"I don't think it works that way, son." said the old man and the boy continued on. Sure enough a few hours later the boy walks by with a bunch of chickens attached to the chicken wire. The old man finds this quite baffling, but lets the boy continue on.
The next day the old man sees the boy walking by again carrying a roll of duct tape. "What do you have there boy?" asked the old man. "I got me some duct tape, I am going to go catch me some ducks." Replied the boy.
"I don't think it works that way." said the old man. The boy continued on and sure enough he walks by a few hours later with a bunch of ducks attached to his roll of duct tape and once again the old man is baffled by this.
The next day the boy walks by again with a long rod and fuzzy thing at the end. "What do you have there boy?" asked the old man. "I got me a pussy willow." replied the boy. The old man looks at the boy and says, "Wait right there, let me go get my hat."
The NBA
After all, I could've sworn she said her dream was to see the sandy Eggo commie con.
.
---
### NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS
---
.
An RAF veteran is giving a talk to a class of school children, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.
"So there I was, escorting the bombers to their target, when out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed to shoot the Fokker down. Then one was on my tail and I coukdn't shake the Fokker, but my pal took care of him. Then I took out two more of the Fokkers..."
The teacher interupts "Children I should explain, the Fokker was a type of figher airplane used by the German Air Force to stop the RAF bombers and their escorts."
"Yes, but these Fokkers were Messerschmitts!"
Unfortunately, they're a bunch of sore losers and won't play it with me anymore.
It's basically the same thing: a bunch of people on drugs riding bikes.
"What's the difference between hypothetically and reality?'
The father thought for a moment and said," ask your mother if she would sleep with the neighbor for $500,000."
The son returns and says," she said,' hell yes I would!'"
He replied," now ask your sister if she would sleep with the principal for $500,000."
The son goes and returns saying," she also said," hell yes I would."
The father said," now son, hypothetically we're millionaires, but in reality we're living with a bunch of whores."
A man walks into a steakhouse and sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling.
"What's with the meat?" he asks the hostess.
She says, "It's a contest we are running. If you can jump up and grab a piece, your entire meal is free."
"And what if I miss?"
"Then you need to buy everyone in the restaurant a drink. Do you want to try?"
He looks up again.
"No, the steaks are too high."
The NBA
But I still have nothing to chauffeur it.
Because they are all a bunch of tools.
tells the Madame I only have $20 what the best I can get? Madame says go to room 7. Guy goes to room - opens door and sees a chicken - figures ok, whatever, I'll fuck the chicken. Afterwards he thinks to himself - not bad actually. Shows back up 2 weeks later - tells Madame I've only got $10 - what's the best I can get? she sends him to room 8. He Walks in and sees a bunch of men watching a couple having sex on floor - he turns to the guy beside him and says "not bad for 10 bucks eh?" the guy turns to him and says you think this is good you should've been here two weeks ago they had some idiot in there fucking a chicken.
...about the psychology of mixed emotions.
The husband says "what a bunch of horse shit. I tell you what: if you can make feel happy and sad at the same time, I'll do the dishes for the rest of the year.
His wife thinks for a second and replies "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis."
There was this farmer who had a bunch of chickens but he couldn't ever get any rooster that would have sex with the chickens. So when he was in town one day, he told some people about his problem and one guy said, "I've got a rooster I can sell you, and he'll screw every last one of your chickens." The farmer says, "Okay, I guess I'll give him a try." So he buys the rooster, brings him back to his farm and puts him with the chickens. As soon as he lets the rooster out, he starts banging chicken after chicken after chicken. The farmer is happy that he finally solved his problem so he goes up to the house and goes to bed. The next day, the farmer goes down to the farm and the rooster is out on the farm screwing all the other animals. The farmer thinks to himself, "That damn rooster is going to fuck himself to death." So the next day when the farmer comes out to check on the farm, the rooster is laying down in the middle of a field on his back. So the farmer walks over to him bends over, looks at him and says, "I was right, you done went and fucked yourself to death." As soon as he says that, the rooster opens one eye and says, "Shhh, the buzzards are circling."
So he stops her and asks her what she is doing with a bunch of penguins. She says she just saw them on the road and opened the door and they got in.
"You've got to take those penguins to the zoo," he says. Next day he sees her again with the penguins still in the back of her car.
Cop: Lady I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo.
Blonde: I did and we had such a good time, today we're going to the park.
An art thief pulls off an incredible heist at the Louvre. He loads a bunch of priceless paintings in the back of his van and drives off.
He is about to make the perfect getaway when his van suddenly stops. The authorities nab him, and one of them asks "what happened to the van?"
The thief replies:
"I did not have the Monet
to buy Degas
to make the Van Gogh"
A Democrat shows up and throws him 200 feet of rope. The excess rope weighs the victim down and he drowns.
A Republican shows up and throws out 50 feet of rope and demands that the victim take some responsibility for himself and swim to the rope. He can't and drowns.
A libertarian shows up and shrugs it isn't my problem and just goes away; the victim drowns.
A bunch of Tea Party types show up. One throws the victim a heavy rock; the victim drowns and all of the tea partiers cheer.
A Green Party member shows up. He yells at the victim for polluting the water. The victim drowns.
So she puts an ad out.
"I want a man who isn't violent, won't run away from commitment, and can satisfy me in bed." Simple and to the point.
The next day, her doorbell rings, and she answers the door. On her doorstep is a man with no arms or legs. She has a skeptical look on her face, but before she can say anything, the man interrupts.
"Before you say anything, I want to say that since I have no arms, I can't hit you. I have no legs, so I'm certainly not running from anything..."
"Well, how do I know you can satisfy me?" She asks.
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"
A receding hare line.
Happy Easter
They could've just downloaded it for free.
The detective asked him, "Why did you do that?"
He replied: "There was 1 guy on the left side of the road, & the wedding was on the right. Which one would you have picked?"
Detective: I Would've picked the left side of course! 1 dead is much better than a dozen...
"Well, That's what i intended to do. But that bastard ran into the wedding!"
when I tripped and knocked an industrial vacuum cleaner onto a bunch of carpentry tools.
It sucked on so many levels...
Two cowboys, Bill and Joe, are riding their horses through the prairie. Joe says "Bill, what happens when we die?" Bill says "Well Joe, do you know about the circle of life?" "I recon I don't" says Joe. "Let me tell you." Says bill. "So say an Indian rides by right now and shoots an arrow through your skull. And you fall off your horse, dead as a door-nail before you hit the ground. Your body starts decomposing and a bunch of maggots come out of the ground and eat your flesh. Now all the leftover nutrients from your body and the holes the maggots left in the earth are a perfect spot for grass to grow. So an extra nice heavy patch of grass grows in that spot. And then a buffalo comes over and eats this nice patch of grass. And then the buffalo has to take a massive dump. Then i ride by and see the pile of buffalo shit, and say 'Joe! You haven't changed a bit!'"
He's a monster of a man, and he walks up to the bar and orders a shot of whiskey. Bartender slides him the shot, the biker picks it up, looks to his right and says, "You're all a bunch of cocksuckers!" and downs the shot. The bar is quiet as he orders another shot. Bartender slides it over, he picks it up, looks to his left and says, "You're all a bunch of mother fuckers!" Before he can down the shot he notices a little guy walking towards him from the left side of the bar. He looks at the little guy and says, "You gotta problem?". The little guys says meekly, "Um ... uh ... no, I'm just on the wrong side."
2 calves, an ass, a beaver, a camel toe, a bunch of hares and a fish no one can find.
So going to the bathroom could spell disaster
"Hey, show us your tits you bloody penguins!" shouted one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Margaret and says "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross!"
So Sister Margaret rolls down her window and shouts, "Sod off you little fucking wankers before I get out and rip your goddam balls off!"
Sister Margaret looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"
Jesus doesn't have a bunch of Mexicans tattooed all over himself.
But none of them work.
She didn't say much, she just let out a little wine.
A math/engineering convention was being held. On the train to the convention, there were a bunch of math majors and a bunch of engineering majors. Each of the math majors had his/her train ticket. The group of engineers had only ONE ticket for all of them. The math majors started laughing and snickering.
Then, one of the engineers said "here comes the conductor" and then all of the engineers went into the bathroom. The math majors were puzzled. The conductor came aboard and said "tickets please" and got tickets from all the math majors.
He then went to the bathroom and knocked on the door and said "ticket please" and the engineers stuck the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and then the engineers came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. The math majors felt really stupid.
So, on the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had one ticket for the group. They started snickering at the engineers, for the whole group had no tickets amongst them. Then, the engineer lookout said "Conductor coming!". All the engineers went to one bathroom. All the math majors went to another bathroom. Then, before the conductor came on board, one of the engineers left the bathroom, knocked on the other bathroom, and said "ticket please."
Jack answers, "my daddy's a scientist, and my mom is a nurse."
Suzie answers, "my mommy's an architect."
"And how about you, Johnny?" the teacher asks one student. Johnny looks up at her and says, "my dad works at a gay strip club. Every night, he dances in a g-string for a bunch of men, and once in a while one of the men will pay him and he'll go to the man's house for the night." The teacher, shocked, hurriedly moves the class along to the next activity.
A little while later, she pulls Johnny aside while the rest of the students are working, and asks, "did you really mean that when you said your dad's a gay stripper?" Johnny looks up and says, "no, he's one of Mitt Romney's campaign managers, but that was too embarrassing to tell the whole class."
The NBA.
Premeditated murder.
This is my dad's favorite joke.
A bunch of tourists on a dude ranch are back from a mild trail ride, exhausted and sunburnt. One young guy is complaining about how chapped his lips are, but no one has any chapstick.
An old cowboy sees the man's distress and walks on over to him. "Son, an old trail remedy for that is to give yer horse a kiss where the sun don't shine."
The young man is incredulous, but all the other cowboys are nodding with the old-timer. So he lifts his horse's tail and, after a little gagging a lot of hesitation, pecks the horse straight on his asshole. He stands back, shuddering. After a minute, his lips are still chapped.
"What the hell was that supposed to do?!" he demands.
"Well," the old cowboy says with a shrug, "you'll stop lickin' them now."
A receding hare line!
The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light, the CEO of Miller orders a Miller Light, the CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light, and the list goes on. The bartender makes his way to the CEO of Guiness and he orders a Coke.
His colleagues ask, "why don't you order a Guiness?"
And the Guiness CEO replies, "If you guys aren't going to drink beer, then neither will I."
I woke up this morning and found a bunch of missing person posters around town that said "Offering reward for any information".
I promptly ran to a phone, called them up and told them my favourite colour was blue.
A man sits on his porch and sees a boy walk by with a roll of tape. Man asks the boy,"where you going with that tape boy?" Boy says,"this here aint no ordinary tape, this here is duck tape. Im fixin to catch me some ducks." "You aint catching no ducks boy" man says. Sure as shit, few hours later boy walks by with a bunch of ducks. Next day boy walks by with some wire. Man asks, "what are you doing with that wire?" "This here aint no ordinary wire sir. This here is chicken wire and I'm catching me some chickens" boy replies. Man shakes his head,"boy you aint catching any chickens." Sure as shit, a few hours later boy walks by with an arm full of chickens. Next day the boy walks by with a stick. The man asks,"now what are you gonna get with that stick boy?" "Sir this here aint a stick. This here is pussy willow." Man stands up and says,"Boy you wait there, I'm grabbing my hat."
A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You are going to die. But we feel sorry for you, so we will give you one wish a day for three days, on sundown of the third day, you die. What is your first wish?"
The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse." The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."
The second day, the chief says, "What is your wish today?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horse's ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die and can only think of one thing."
The last day comes, and the chief says, "This is your last wish, white man. What you want?" The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again." The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, "Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"
And as Satan is walking him through, they go through a room with a bunch of clocks on the wall.
What are these for? The man asks.
These are the lives of politicians, every time they tell a lie, the clock ticks back, Satan Replies.
See, Satan says, There's Gary Johnson's he says as it ticks back.
And there's Hillary Clinton's as hers ticks back.
Where's Donald Trump's? The man asks?
Satan says, Oh, I keep that one in my office. I use it as a ceiling fan .
I meet with Paul the Saint. He points to a bunch of clocks behind him
Paul: These are clocks that measure how honest you are. Yours is at 12:45, meaning you have lied 45 times in your lifetime
Me: Whose that clock at 12:00 belongs to?
Paul: That's Mother Teresa's. She has been a perfect person and has never lied
Me: Then whose that one at 11:59? Is he even better than Mother Teresa?
Paul: No. That one belongs to Bill Clinton. He lied so much during his presidency, the clock almost resets to 12:00
Me: I wonder, where's Donald Trump's clock?
Paul: Trump? Its in my office. I am using it as a desk fan
...my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.
A fire started on some grassland near a farm. The fire department was called to put the fire out. The fire was a more than the fire department could handle.Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called.
Though there was doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made. The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames.
The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.
Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1000.
A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds."That oughta be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that fucking old fire truck."
"What the fuck are you talking about?" I replied. "They're for your sister."
I'll tell ya'll tomorrow
A joint effort!
Kim Kylie Khloe Kendall kourtney kris Kanye
Sounds like a bunch of naan-cents to me
In remembrance of the Battle of Little Bighorn, the government hires an artist to create a mural. He's told by the generals "paint what was going through his mind in the final moments of the battle."
He goes to work, and a few weeks later, he unveils his creation. On the mural, there's a picture of Jesus on the cross and a bunch of Indians all having sex.
One of the generals asks, "What in the hell were you thinking when you made this?" The artist explains, "I was just doing what you told me."
The general inquires, "How is this close to what I told you?" The artist replies "Well, wouldn't you think his last thoughts would be 'Jesus Christ! Look at all the fucking Indians!"
But a lot did
It's filled with a bunch of random screws.
Jesus: Each one of you grab a piece of rock.
*everyone each grabbed the biggest rock they can find and rolled it back to Jesus, except for Judas who was so lazy that he just picked up a pebble.
Jesus: I shall now turn those into gold for you to keep. Now go get another piece of rock.
*this time the apostles were tired of hauling their first rock so each grabbed the smallest pebble they can find thinking they're fine with the gold they got. Judas, learning from his previous mistake, got the biggest rock he could find
Jesus: throw your rocks as far as you could, wherever it reaches and lands, that's the amount of land I'm giving you. Now for your last gift from me, grab 2 rocks.
*everyone grabbed two decent sized rocks except for Judas. Eyeing his small chunk of gold and his small plot of land, he grabbed a small pebble and a big rock just to be sure.
Jesus: sit on your rocks and I'll turn them into your balls.
Now all we have is a bunch of countries....
But when I do it, suddenly I am gay?
I ran in to tell my wife.
Then I remembered why I was digging a hole.
Paul tries to take his friend hunting, but when they get to his favorite hunting spot, they find "No Trespassing" signs everywhere. Paul tells his friend to wait in the car and walks up to the nearby farmhouse. The farmer answers the door, and Paul says, "Sir, I've hunted on this property all my life, but now I notice you have a bunch of signs up. I wanted to see if it was still OK for me to hunt here."
The farmer scratches his chin for a bit and says, "I'll make you a deal. We've got this cow out back that we have to kill for food, but we've grown too attached to it. If you go out back and shoot my cow, I'll let you hunt on my property."
Walking back to the car, Paul decides to play a joke on his friend. "That old bastard won't let us hunt on his property," he tells him. "I'm going to shoot his cow!" He then walks over to the side of the house and-BLAM!
Suddenly two more shots ring out behind him, and his friend runs up, yelling, "I got the cat and dog too! Let's get the hell out of here!"
How many animals can you fit in a pantyhose?
10 little piggies
2 calves
1 ass
1 beaver
A bunch of hares and..
1 fish that no one can find.
A woman has had a huge argument with her husband and is on the phone having a long chat with her friend when she sees her husband returning home with a huge bouquet of flowers.
"Oh no," says the woman. "My husband's home and he's brought a huge bunch of flowers for me."
Her friend is a little surprised. "But that's so sweet of him!"
"Ugh," says the woman. "It means I have to spend all night on my back with my legs in the air."
The friend pauses for a moment. "Don't you have a vase?"
The NBA.
...is they tend to rub off on you.
The NBA
If I do it, I'm called a "homosexual."
So this was back in the day, a group of nuns worked in a hospital as nurses and it was time for confessional. The priest was in a bit of a rush so he asked the nuns to form a line and confess their sins in public.
The first nurse blushed and nervously said:
- I was changing Mr. Thompson's bandages and well, I saw his penis !
The priest gasped in shock and ordered her to rinse her eyes out in the Holy Water basin and say 10 Hail Mary's. He then asks the second nun to confess her sins.
- I was changing Mr. Thompson's bandages and well, I, um, I touched his penis !
The priest can't believe what he is hearing and orders her to wash her hands in the Holy Water basin and say 20 Hail Mary's. He then asks the third nun in line to confess her sins.
- I was changing Mr. Thompsons bandages when...
"Wait" Yells out the fourth nun in line.
- Can I go rinse my mouth before she sticks her ass in there ?
This really tough Hells - Angel type bursts into a bar and goes to the middle of the bar, he orders a beer, gulps it down, turns to the people on the left and grows "All you people over there are a bunch of cocksuckers !" he gets a second beer, gulps that down, turns to the people on the right and growls "Your a bunch of stupid mother fuckers." all is still for a moment until a guy from the right side moves. The Hells - Angel says "where the fuck you going?" the guy says "I'm on the wrong side of the bar."
... But all they sent me was a bunch of pictures of my dad having sex with my mom.
There would just be a bunch of jealous countries who do not talk to eachother.
A bunch of construction workers are wording on a building site, when one of them falls from the top floor and dies on the spot.
The other workers draw straws to find out who has to tell his wife. Jack loses and heads off.
One hour later, he returns with a big smile and a case of beer.
The other workers are surprised: I thought you would tell Bobs wife that he had died?
Jack: I did!
Other guy: so where did you get the beer?
Jack: well, I went to his house, rang the doorbell, and when his wife answered, I asked: are you the widow Jones? To which she said: well, yes and no, i'm called Jones, but i'm not a widow. Them I said: No? I bet you a case of beer you are!
He was nailed by a bunch of guys.
I'd have 2 dollars and a bunch of counterfeits.
By posting about my political views on Facebook.
The newspaper headlines the next day read:
#**NUT SCREWS WASHERS AND BOLTS**#
A 4G.
But my friends told me it was a waist of time
A husband & wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of Mixed Emotions .
The husband turned to his wife & said,
That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can not tell me anything that will make me happy & sad at the same time.
The wife said: out of all your friends, you have the biggest Dick.
A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them.
"Hey penguins, show us your boobs!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculate, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."
Sister Immaculate rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Immaculate then looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Was that cross enough?"
Three Irishmen were sitting in a pub across the road from the local brothel. As they watched through the window, they saw the Methodist minister creep up to the door of the brothel and slip inside.
"Ah, now - didn't I tell you? They're all a bunch of hypocrites, that lot. Such a shame, a man o' the cloth, giving way to temptation like that."
A few minutes later, the rabbi also entered the brothel.
"Would you look at that? Always acting so pious, but look at 'im now - dirty hypocrite. Givin' way to sins o' the flesh."
As they continued drinking, complaining all the while about the lack of moral standards of the minister and the rabbi, they saw the Catholic priest creep up to the brothel and knock on the door.
"Ah, now - ain't that a shame! One o' the poor girls must be dyin', and the good Father's come to give 'er the last rites!"
'Cause there were robots in de skies.
He had a bunch of Electronic Engineers buzzing around him.
The teacher asked all the kids to draw a picture of what they thought was going through the mind of General Custer. Little Billy drew a cow witha halo over it's head and a bunch of Indians having sex. "Um... Billy, what is this?" The teacher asked. Little Billy responded, "It's what General Custer was thinking, Ms. Johnson... 'Holy cow, look at all the fucking Indians. "
Racial slurs.
I set it up today and said Make my day and got a list of Clint Eastwood movies
Then I said yippie Kay yay and got a list of Bruce Willis movies
Just then my neighborhood kids were running and screaming outside the house
I muttered Fucking kids
And a bunch of Asia Argento movies appeared..
A drummer
There was no telling what could happen
My cousin made a mistake telling this joke last night while out to eat with a bunch of family.
Cousin: "this food is terrible. It tastes like ass"
Uncle: "HA, how do you know what ass tastes like?"
He planned on saying something like "I've been eating moms cooking for 18 years"
BUT
what came out was "I've been eating moms for 18 years"
that I have real trust issues!! What a bunch of BS...
And continues onto the shops, unaware she accidentally parked in the handicap space. Coming back to her car, she sees a ticket inspector writing a bunch of tickets. She has a lot of groceries an is hurried in putting them away. The parking inspector takes one look at her, says 'carry on and have a nice day', and continues walking.
Puzzled, she resumes putting away the bags then decides to continue shopping. She later returns to her car and sees the same parking inspector. She approaches him and asks 'why didn't you give me a ticket earlier for illegally parking?'. The man replied 'love, I'm just happy that you're off the road.'
And sees a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling. Thinking this is rather odd, he goes over to the bartender and asks about the meat on the ceiling.
The bartender tells him, "if you can jump and touch any piece of meat up there, you get free drinks for the night. If, however, you miss, you have to buy rounds for everyone in the bar."
The man looks up at the meat, then back at the bartender, then around the room at all the hopeful faces, and finally says to the bartender,
"I think I'll pass, the steaks are too high"
.. one of the guys turned to the other and said:
"See that guy with all those knives? He's *Knife Bill*"
Some time later a man with 8 guns on his belt comes in and again the guy turned to the other and said:
"See that guy with all those guns? He's *Gun Bill*"
An hour later a guy with 5 arms and 3 legs comes in and the other guy asks:
"Who is that??"
"That's *Cherno Bill*"
A liquor cabinet.
Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Bunch? Well, here are the best jokes about Bunch to have fun with.