Bumped Jokes
98 bumped jokes and hilarious bumped puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bumped that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Bumped Short Jokes
Short bumped jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bumped humour may include short fist bumping jokes also.
- Bumped into my ex today... Well, the police say it's vehicular manslaughter. So, yeah whatever.
- What did the tectonic plate say to the other tectonic plate when he bumped into the him? Sorry, my fault.
- What did one tectonic plate say to the other when they bumped into each other? "Whoops, my fault"
- A Mexican magician works on Microsoft Windows Uno, and *p**...*, DOS is gone without a tres.
- Two mind-readers bump into each other on the street... The first one says to the second one: "You're fine, how am I?"
- I just bumped into a mannequin and said sorry. Then I said "Oh I thought you were a person". Then I realized I was still talking to a mannequin...
- Two atoms bump into each other. 2 atoms bump into each other. One says, "I think I lost an electron" The other asks,"Are you sure?"
To which the first replies, "I am positive" - A sole and a flounder are swimming in the ocean when they bump into each other. The sole says, "A flounder!" The flounder, to be polite, says nothing.
- Geology rocks but geography is where it's at... What did the tectonic plates say when they bumped into each other?
My fault, sorry! - What did the regular hotel room say to the fancy hotel room Oh suite!
This was made up by my 11 year old son, I thought it was fist bump worthy.
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Bumped One Liners
Which bumped one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bumped? I can suggest the ones about bounced and nudged.
- I have a fear of speed bumps But I am slowly getting over it
- You'll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor! Everybody.
- Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optician? *Everyone!*
- One tectonic plate bumped into another and said "Sorry. My fault"
- I'm deathly afraid of speed bumps but I'm slowly getting over it.
- Guess who I bumped into on my way to get my glasses fixed ? Everybody
- Guess who I bumped into at the opticians the other day? Everyone!
- What did Edward Snowden say when he bumped into Barack Obama? Pardon me
- I have a fear of speed bumps but it's ok, I'm slowly getting over them.
- Guess who I bumped into on my way to the optometrist Everyone
- What did one tectonic plate say when it bumped into another? Whoops, my fault.
- What did the child say when he bumped his knee? Ow, my kidney.
- A couple of geese fell down from the stairs. They got multiple goose bumps.
- What do you get when you run over geese? Goose bumps
- Two vegans bump into eachother at a BBQ "We must stop meating like this."
Amusing Bumped Jokes to Make You Laugh with Friends
What funny jokes about bumped you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fist bump jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bumped pranks.
So, I bumped into this cute g**... the way out of the grocery store...
We talked for a bit and ended up exchanging numbers. I'm trying not to make a big deal about it, but I'm pretty bummed that my insurance rates are going to go up.
One atom bumped into another atom,
And said, "hey I just lost an electron!"
"Are you sure?" Asks the other atom.
"Yes, I'm positive!"
Pinocchio has been getting complaints from his girlfriend....
Pinnochio had been getting complaints from his girlfriend. "Every time we make love," she said, "I get splinters. "
So
Pinocchio went back to his maker, Gipetto the carpenter, for advice.
"Sandpaper," said the carpenter. "That's what you need. " So
Pinocchio took some sheets of sandpaper and went home. A few weeks later the carpenter bumped into Pinocchio again. "How are you getting on with the girls now? " he asked. "Who needs girls? " said
Pinocchio."
Three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger...
One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable. "Jesus Christ" he exclaimed.
Joseph said: "Write that down, Mary. It's better than Wayne."
I recently bumped into a Frenchman wearing a bagel as a scarf.
He said it was a real pain in the neck.
Two homosexuals bumped into each other one day in Bondi Junction.
After their customary intimate greeting, one of them asked the other, "Fabian, have you stopped smoking?"
When Fabian replied in the affirmative, his chum asked him how he had managed to kick the habit.
Explained Fabian, "It was easy really. Everytime I felt like a cigarette, I`d just s**... on a lifesaver."
Replied his friend, "Well - lucky you live near the beach."
What did the drunken hobbit say when he bumped into a wizard?
sauromon, didnt see you there.
What did Gandalf say when he bumped into the other wizard?
"Saruman, I didn't see you there".
Italian Hot Tub
What was the Italian hot tub that was so small it's occupants always bumped into each other called?
Ja-scusi.
I bumped into the guy who invented the globe
It's a small world.
Last year Hillary got a concussion. Obama recently bumped into Clinton and asked "Bill, how is Hillary's head?"
"Not as good as Monica"
A bloke bumped in to me on the tube the other day and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Then the same fella followed me home from the pub and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
Things then got out of hand when he tapped on my window at 11.30 that night and said, "Remember Leonardo Di Caprio."
I thought, "That's it, I'm going to the Police."
I told the officer I was being stalked and he asked if I could tell him anything about the man.
I said, "Yes, he reminds me of Leonardo Di Caprio."
I went to specsavers the other day..
...guess who I bumped into?
Everyone!
My dentist bumped into my orthodontist.
I'm sure it was acci*dental*.
neon bumped into helium.
There was no reaction.
I bumped in to the back of a car on the way to work
A dwarf got out, absolutely fuming and exclaimed 'I'm not happy!'
To which I replied, 'Which one are you then?'
What did the man, who had his kneecap replaced by that of a child's, say when he bumped his leg on a table?
Ow, my kidney!
I bumped into my rival jousting opponent.
We exchanged lances.
What did Hillary say when she bumped into barack obama at the White House?
Pardon me.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to the eye doctor!
Everybody!
Bumped into a friend of mine the other day.
He was wearing camouflage.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed...
One fell off and bumped his head, his momma called the doctor, and the doctor said, "I'm calling Child Protective Services."
Where is my wife
A young man and an old man bumped shopping carts at the grocery store.
Young man: I am sorry. I wasn't watching where I was going. I was looking for my wife.
Old man : Sorry. I was also looking for my wife.
Young man: Well maybe we can look together. My wife is 24. She is 5'2". She has short black hair. She is wearing a pink tube top and blue Jeans. What does your wife look like?
Old man: It doesn't matter. Lets look for yours.
Went to my eye doctor the other day... Guess who I bumped into?
Everyone!
I bumped into the governor when I visited the capitol
I said "Pardon me" then he quickly turned around and said "That will be five thousand dollars."
[nsfw] I just bumped into your mum and she was counting some money...
... I asked her what the money was for. She said she had just finished w**... for the night and made $80.05. I asked "5 cents!? Who pays 5c!?" and she said "all of them".
[credit to Mohammed Ali - r.i.p] Mohammed Ali walked on an Elevator...
He sees a guy and a pregnant woman in the elevator.
Ali looks at the guy and says "I swear I never saw her before in my life".
note: this really happened. Older family members who bumped into him in the late 70's to early 80's said he was really funny in real life.
I use this for my Tinder description and it works.
"I fist bumped Chuck Norris once and survived".
I bumped into my dad in a brothel yesterday, I was speechless…
I thought he worked in a bank.
The pallbearers accidentally bumped Susan's casket on the wall...
... and they hear a cough. They open the casket and sure enough Susan is alive, apparently having been in a coma which she is coming out of.
She recovers in the hospital and lives another 3 years before she finally passes. At her (second) f**... the eulogies finish and the pallbearers begin to raise the casket. Susan's husband rises and shouts: Be careful not to hit the wall this time, you dimwits!!
I bumped into an old school friend today
He was going on and on about how expensive his new car was.
So long story short my insurance rates are going up.
I bumped into an old school friend today...
He said "life is great! I live in a $2 million mansion!"
I said "that's nice, I live under a $5 million bridge!"
When my parents told me Santa wasn't real, I was incredibly sad.
But then I bumped into him at the mall last December and he cleared that all up for me! Nice joke, Dad!
Hear the one about the bald guy getting bumped to business class after passengers made fun of him?
Talk about the advantages of a reseating airline.
I bumped into my old English teacher that I fancied.
"What's new?" she asked.
I said, "An adjective."
What did Richard Nixon say when he bumped into Gerald Ford?
Pardon me.
3 little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell down and bumped its head. Mama called the doctor and the doctor said no more monkeys jumping on the bed.
2 little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell down and bumped its head. Mama called the doctor and the doctor said no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
1 little monkey jumping on the bed. It fell down and bumped its head. Mama called the doctor and the doctor called child protective services.
How do you know when two stickmen bumped into each other?
OK ꓘO
I bumped into a stranger. He turned around and told me he was gonna rearrange my teeth.
What a great dentist he was - so glad I met him.
What did the dolphin say to the whale when he bumped into him?
Sorry I didn't do it on porpoise
I bumped into my old school teacher
I bumped into my old school teacher today, and we got talking about how he once said that I'd never amount to anything. I showed him though.
I spat in his fries.
You'll never guess who I bumped into at the opticians yesterday.....
.... Everybody!
I recently bumped into the guy who sold me an antique globe.
It's a small world.
I bumped into someone who hates me the other day and was going to give him a n**... look
But he already had one
What did Paul Manafort say when he bumped into the president?
Pardon me.
A man was walking with his three year old daughter.
As they were walking, the man bumped into one of his high school friends.
'I've not seen you in ages! And this is my daughter Beth!'
"And what's Beth short for?'
'She's only three.'
A fish bumped into a dam.
It was a Walleye.
I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.
Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?".
I said "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."
He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?", I said "No, she's an optician."
I bumped into an old school friend the other day.
He seemed to be doing very well for himself, fancy clothes, new car. You could tell he was now very successful and wealthy.
I asked him how he had been doing and he said great, I've got loads of money, fancy cars and a big house.
I asked him how he came to be so rich and he replied I've been using animal carcasses and boiling them down to a concentrate and selling that for a profit. I've made a killing on the stocks market.
One day Brock Lee fell off stage during filming.
He bumped his head pretty hard, and fell into a coma.
After a while, the director and other actors urgently went to the hospital to check up on him. The doctor who was overseeing Brock came out and said
"We hope he gets better soon, but as of now, he is in a vegetative state."
Went to the optometrist office today and bumped into an old friend!
I also bumped into the optometrist, the receptionist and I knocked over their sunglasses display.
Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush.
Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. Hello, Bush said. Nice weather we're having, huh? Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction.
The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to initiate a conversation. Again Moses turned and ran away.
Bush was tired of this bizarre treatment, so the next time Moses ran away from him, Bush followed. When he caught up, he asked Moses what was wrong.
Moses said, The last time I talked to a bush I spent 40 years in the desert.
I was on my way to the opticians today and guess who I bumped into.....
Everybody.
Bumped into my old Chemistry teacher yesterday
...in fact I knocked him right over.
You should have seen his reaction.
A famous Hindi joke! Let's see if the translation works!
Once, Mahatma Gandhi was on a visit to the Mental Hospital. He bumped in a patient who had recovered by then
Gandhiji asked him, "So, how are you now?"
"I feel better. Tell me what's your name?"
"Mohandas Gandhi."
"I, too, was saying this before getting admitted to the hospital!"
You know who I bumped into in SpecSavers today?
Everyone
I bumped into a guy in a supermarket yesterday.
He cursed me and told me not to walk like an idiot.
I told him, I'm sorry, but I haven't possessed a human body in a long time.
The look on his face was priceless.
Read this on an anniversary special edition of Reader's Digest
Julius Caesar was coming out of a fast food restaurant when Brutus bumped into him and asked,"How are the burgers, Julius?
Julius replied, "Ate two, Brute!"
I bumped into an old mate of mine yesterday
I bumped into an old mate yesterday. He immediately started showing off, talking about him being an excellent writter and the book he recently launched.
Continuing to show off, he said, "My book has sold 1000 copies till date."
I said, "And how many copies did you buy?."
He said, "Not even one, hahaha jealous much?"
I said, "Wise decision nonetheless."
What did one tectonic plate say to the other when it bumped into it?
Sorry, my fault.
A drunk was walking down the street and bumped into a cop.
The drunk says to the cop, "Man, somebody stole my car."
Cop says, "Well, where was it?"
The drunk says, "It was right here on the end of this key."
Cop replies, "I dunno man, you better go down to the precinct and report it down there and they'll fill out all the proper paperwork."
The drunk turns around to leave but the cop stops him and says, "Whoa there, before you head downtown you better zip up your fly."
The drunk looks down and says, "Aw man, they got my girl too."
So I recently was walking with my young daughter through town…
Where I bumped into an old mate, Steve.
You alright Steve, this is my daughter, Beth, I said.
Alright mate, what's Beth short for?
Well, she is only 3, I replied.
I bumped into my friend who's a waitress the other day
She wasn't very happy about it
Bumped into an old deaf friend today.
Him: Wanna hear a joke?
Me: Sure.
Him: Same here.
OC - I saw a line of delivery scooters parked out the front of a pizza place.
Someone bumped into one of them and it topples over, and knocks down the next one, which knocks down the next one, and the next one.
It was the Domino's effect.
Bumped into my ex in town earlier.
Almost didn't recognise her without her hand in my wallet.
What did the Dutch horse say when he bumped into someone?
Paarden me
Ten little monkeys jumping on the bed, one jumped off and bumped his head. Mama called the doctor and the doctor said
We don't accept your insurance.
