Bump Jokes

Following is our collection of jolt puns and thud one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. Including Bump jokes for adults, dirty anvil jokes and clean spank dad gags for kids.

The Best Bump Puns

Bumped into my ex today...

Well, the police say it's vehicular manslaughter. So, yeah whatever.

I have a bumper sticker saying, "Honk if you think I'm sexy".

Some days I just stay at a green light till I'm feeling good about myself.

During a funeral...

The pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.
As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

I have a bumper sticker that says...

"Honk if you think I'm sexy."

Then I wait at green lights till I feel better about myself.

You'll never believe who I bumped into on my way to the eye doctor!

Everybody.


Two mind-readers bump into each other on the street...

The first one says to the second one: "You're fine, how am I?"

I just bumped into a mannequin and said sorry. Then I said "Oh I thought you were a person".

Then I realized I was still talking to a mannequin...

A sole and a flounder are swimming in the ocean when they bump into each other. The sole says, "A flounder!"

The flounder, to be polite, says nothing.

What did the regular hotel room say to the fancy hotel room

Oh suite!

This was made up by my 11 year old son, I thought it was fist bump worthy.

A funeral rerun . . .

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

I bumped into an old school friend today...

He said "life is great! I live in a $2 million mansion!"

I said "that's nice, I live under a $5 million bridge!"


Ruth and Johnny

Ruth and Johnny, side by side, went out for an auto ride. They hit a bump, Ruth hit a tree, Johnny kept going Ruthlessly.

This one's a groaner for sure, but still fun. Happy Halloween!

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him, he hears
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man sprints toward his home, the casket bouncing
quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in and slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping-clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...

and.......

The coffin stops

BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...

Just read this in an email, thought it worthy of sharing.

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night...
when behind him he hears:
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket...
and,
The coffin stops

I bumped in to the back of a car on the way to work

A dwarf got out, absolutely fuming and exclaimed 'I'm not happy!'

To which I replied, 'Which one are you then?'

Two vegans bump into eachother at a BBQ

"We must stop meating like this."

A blind rabbit and a blind slug

A blind rabbit and a blind slug are moving through the woods until the two of them bump into each other.

The slug reaches out, touches the rabbit, and says "You're soft and fluffy. You must be a rabbit."

The rabbit reaches out, touches the slug, and says "You're cold and slimy. You must be a politician."

So, I bumped into this cute girl on the way out of the grocery store...

We talked for a bit and ended up exchanging numbers. I'm trying not to make a big deal about it, but I'm pretty bummed that my insurance rates are going to go up.

I have a bumper stick on my car that says Honk it you think I'm sexy

Then I wait at a green light to make me feel good about myself.


I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said "Work hard, Pray hard"....

I couldn't tell if there were Christians or Asians.

What's the difference between falling 2 ft and 200 ft?

200 ft: Aaaaaaaaa, bump
2 ft: Bump, aaaaaaaaa

(Yes, it's an old, really old joke. Surprisingly haven't seen it here, yet.)

I bumped into my old English teacher that I fancied.

"What's new?" she asked.

I said, "An adjective."

Today I pulled the dad jokes of all dad jokes.

At work, my coworker complained of ear pain. He asked me to look for a bump, so I looked.

Then, I said, "oh I know what's causing the pain!" He asked what it was, and I pulled a quarter from his ear..

I should be ashamed.

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, talking about his well paid job and expensive sports car.

Then he pulled out a photo of his wife and said, "She's beautiful, isn't she?".

I said "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my girlfriend."

He said, "Why? Is she a stunner?", I said "No, she's an optician."

Two atoms bump into each other, and become stuck.

"Oh, no," said the first atom. "We're going to be stuck like this forever!"

"It'll be okay. Try not to be so negative! Think positive for a second."

The first atom thought real hard, and the two flew apart.

I bumped into an old school friend the other day.

He seemed to be doing very well for himself, fancy clothes, new car. You could tell he was now very successful and wealthy.
I asked him how he had been doing and he said great, I've got loads of money, fancy cars and a big house.
I asked him how he came to be so rich and he replied I've been using animal carcasses and boiling them down to a concentrate and selling that for a profit. I've made a killing on the stocks market.

I saw a bumper sticker saying I am a veterinarian, therefore I can drive like an animal

Suddenly I realized how many proctologists are on the road.

I got a new bumper sticker the other day.

It says 'honk if you think I'm sexy.'

I've never felt so confident. I should probably stop waiting at green lights though.

If you ever bump into a fridge there is no need to be sorry

The fridge is cool with it

Out of all the things that go bump in the night...

your parent's bed is definitely the scariest

I bumped into my dad in a brothel yesterday, I was speechless…

I thought he worked in a bank.

The woman's bumper sticker claimed she was pro-life...

...but her reckless driving suggested otherwise.

I have a bumper sticker in Braille

If you can read this, you're driving too close.

I got sick from a fist bump

it's the first confirmed case of ebrola

I bumped into a stranger. He turned around and told me he was gonna rearrange my teeth.

What a great dentist he was - so glad I met him.

What's the difference between a blind pedestrian and a speed bump?

I've never run over a speed bump at 70 mph.

I bumped into the governor when I visited the capitol

I said "Pardon me" then he quickly turned around and said "That will be five thousand dollars."

A group of nuns are biking one day...

and every bump they hit they all giggle. Finally the head nun turns around and yells, "Ladies, if you don't stop that laughing we're going to have to put the seats back on!"

Bumped into a friend of mine the other day.

He was wearing camouflage.

A woman goes into labor with her child.

The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

A dumb one, ever for already low dad-joke expectations...

True story (makes this even more pathetic) that happened last night:

Wife: The fan is too high
Me: It's like that so we don't bump our heads

I bumped into my rival jousting opponent.

We exchanged lances.

A woman goes into labor with her child

The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father.

He asks if it is ok to use the new device.

The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%.

The man feels nothing.

They then bump it up to 20%.

He still feels nothing.

They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%.

The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

I want to start a paranormal hookup app.

The tagline would be: for things that want to go bump in the night.

(Finally a place where ghosting would be totally acceptable.)

Bumped into my old Chemistry teacher yesterday

...in fact I knocked him right over.

You should have seen his reaction.

So I was talking to my friend...

So I was talking to my friend when I notice a big red bump on her nose. I ask her what happened and she replies...
"I stopped to smell a brose."
"Brose? There's no 'B' in rose."
"Well there was in that one!"

help me figure out this riddle!

a farmer has 2 sons. one is a "good boy" and the other is "a bump on a log". the farmer takes his cow into town and sells it to a butcher. then he goes to a watchmaker and buys a watch. WHO DOES HE GIVE THE WATCH TO?

this is some dutch riddle, so the "" are translated words

Ruth rode on my motorcycle, on the seat behind me...

I took a bump at 95, and rode on ruthlessly

I bumped into an old school friend today

He was going on and on about how expensive his new car was.

So long story short my insurance rates are going up.

I bumped into the guy who invented the globe

It's a small world.

I was at the club, dancing the other night

While on the dance floor, the DJ started playing the Twist, so I did the twist!

After that was done, he played the Bump, so I did the bump.

And after that one, the Macarena, same story.

Then 'Come on Eileen' came on... That's when I got kicked out

I bumped into someone who hates me the other day and was going to give him a nasty look

But he already had one

What does a bumper sticker and an old man have in common?

The older they are, the harder they are to get off.

The Story of Ruth and Johnnie

Once upon a time...

Ruth and Johnny drove through the woods
To see what they could see.

The car hit a bump.
Then Ruth hit a tree.
But Johnny went on.

Ruthlessly.

What's a common thing that happens when you bump into your ex?

You meet your son

I saw a bumper sticker today that read

"My job is a Veterinarian, so I can drive like an animal!"

I suddenly realized how many how many Proctologists there are on the road!

R Kelly has been charged with sexual abuse

I guess there was something wrong with that bump and grind.

I bumped into my old school teacher

I bumped into my old school teacher today, and we got talking about how he once said that I'd never amount to anything. I showed him though.

I spat in his fries.

I saw a bumper sticker today.....

I saw a bumper sticker today that said, "My child has more chromosomes than yours (:"

.....what a retarded sense of humor

Never buy Drugs from a volleyball player

They bump the price up
Set the location
And spike there product

Hey man, congratulations on that aggressive knuckle cancer.

(Fist bump)

I had some bumps on my arm and was going to get it amputated.

The doctor thought it was a little rash.

Two crossed eyed guys bump into each other in the street...

One says, "why don't you look where you're goin" and the other says "why don't you go where you're lookin!"

I had to visit a doctor today...

I hit my head really hard and gave myself a nasty bump. The doctor was a real quack though, all he told me was to duck next time. Plus I left with a huge bill!

I bumped into two average Joes hanging out together, so I booked it the opposite direction...

... pair-a-normal activity freaks me out.

What is Cocaine Addiction?

Just another bump in the road

I thought it was called a Fist Bump

Why not call it a Finger Bang?

Two friends who haven't met for a while...

... bump into each other on the street.

There is an abundance of nudge jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 68 funniest jokes and bump puns. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any bum witze you can hear about bump.

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes