The Best 76 Bullshit Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Bullshit jokes. There are some bullshit horseshit jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these bullshit unmoved puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Bullshit Jokes and Puns
What is the difference between a cult and a religion?
In a cult the main person knows it's all bullshit. In religion that person is dead.
A woman visits her husband in prison
Before leaving, she tells a correction officer:
"You shouldn't make my husband work like that. He's exhausted!"
The officer laughs, saying:
"Are you kidding? He just eats and sleeps and stays in his own cell!"
"Bullshit! He just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months!"
Remember the first time you called 911 on your parents for a bullshit reason?
It was right before you had to call them for a legitimate reason.
I graduated in zooscatology.
"BULLSHIT!"
Don't Bullshit Your Mother
Mrs. Rabin comes to visit her son Bernie for dinner.
He lives with a female roommate, Elaine. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Bernie's roommate is. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Bernie and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Bernie volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Elaine and I are just roommates.''
About a week later, Elaine came to Bernie saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote an email:
*Dear Mom
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house ; I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Your Loving Son
Bernie*
Several days later, Bernie received a response email from his Mom which read:
*Dear son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Elaine, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Your Loving Mother*
My wife accused me of ruining her birthday yesterday.
"Bullshit!" I said. "I didn't even know it was your birthday."
So the media say GTA V will cause players to commit crime.
Bullshit, I've got the Coronation Street board game and I'm not a pedophile.
The Police called to my door last night and said "Your dog was chasing a man on a bike"...
...I said "Bullshit, my dog doesn't have a bike".
My steer got constipated the other day...
...No bullshit.
Two scientists walk into a bar The first one says I'll have some H2O. The second one says, I'll have some H2O too.
The bartender pours them both hydrogen peroxide because he's tired of their bullshit every day
They say that every time you have sex it's the same amount of exercise as running 5 miles
But I think that's bullshit because I've never run 5 miles in 30 seconds.
You can explore bullshit bovine reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean bullshit dogshit dad jokes. There are also bullshit puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I think I'm a mushroom
Everyone keeps me in the dark and feeds me bullshit.
I think the most profound advice my father ever told me was...
"Stop using me in your bullshit stories."
This is Bullshit. Since when is dressing for the job you want, not the job you have considered "impersonating an officer"?
A group of priests stand by the road...
... holding a sign "IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO TURN BACK. THIS PATH IS DOOMED!!" Most people just drive by but then suddenly someone stops and yells at the priests: "No one will belive this religious bullshit! You're wasting your time!" After that one of the priests says: Maby we should just write "The bridge has fallen!"?
I don't mind showing up to work
But this 8 hour wait to go home is bullshit.
My girlfriend and I broke up over astrology.
She's a Taurus, but I don't believe in bullshit.
I adopted a rescue dog early this morning...
But she hasn't saved anyone all day and she's peed in the house twice. This is bullshit.
Me and my ex-girlfriend just weren't meant to be together, she was a Capricorn...
and I don't believe in bullshit
Why did the cow get a divorce?
Because she couldn't take her husbands bullshit.
Once I saw a blind man touching a cheese grater at Ikea.
He said: "who wrote this bullshit"
Why do farmers have potential to become great judges?
They recognize bullshit from miles.
They say cow manure come from males.
But that's bullshit.
A couple of Aliens land in the middle of Jerusalem and see all the worshippers...
One looks to the other and says "See, they still believe your bullshit, pay up!"
I like my women how I like my coffee:
Diluted and festooned with so much sweet, pretty bullshit I feel like a fraud for liking them at all, yet possessed of an underlying bitterness and complexity that I secretly fear I will never truly understand or appreciate.
Bob ,did you know.............??
**JIM**: Bob ,did you know people eat manure in some parts of the world?
**BOB**: Thats pure bullshit!!!
**JIM**: Exactly.
NASA Scientists say its possible to live on Mars.
Bullshit, I tried it and now I'm 15Kg heavier and diabetic
My crush told me someone was stalking her when she was walking home.
I instantly called her on her bullshit because nobody else was following her when I followed her home.
Those studies that say people often die from smoking are bullshit.
My uncle smoked. He died only once.
My girlfriend keeps complaining about how little space there is in the wardrobe
If she keeps this bullshit up, my wife might find her!
The movie 'Up' is utter bullshit.
I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn't die.
I used to smoke weed and go to class...
Sneak in ten minutes late with a bullshit excuse. Slink down low at my desk. Pray to God nobody asked me any questions.
I was the best teacher ever.
What do you call a half bull dog half shitzu?
Bullshit
Israeli tourist
An Israeli tourist is visiting New York and hires a cab to drive him around the city. He engages the driver in small talk to get better acquainted.
"Where are you from?" he asks.
"I'm from Palestine" replies the cab driver, "and you?"
"I'm from Narnia."
"Bullshit, that place doesn't exist" says the cab driver.
"Well, you started it" says the Israeli.
I didn't win the wet t-shirt contest.
Which is bullshit because I ate more t-shirts than anyone else.
My dad just got arrested for assaulting a minor..
Which is bullshit, he didn't even work in the mines!
The reason my last relationship didn't work out is because she was a gemini...
and I don't believe in bullshit.
"Pi R Squared", said my math teacher.
"Bullshit!" I exclaimed. "Pie are round!"
The cucumber complained, "I wish I was a normal vegetable, this is bullshit, half of my friends and family are bought and used as dildoes!"
"Better you than me!" responded the pineapple.
James Franco responds to claims of sexual misconduct.
I did not touch them! It's not true! It's bullshit! I did not touch them! I did naaaht.
Oh hi Mark.
The most beautiful feeling in the world is the day you fall in love..
after that everything is bullshit.
Big shout going out to St Patrick, who supposedly drove all the snakes out or Ireland.
But let's face it, thats clearly bullshit, they didn't have cars back then
If I had a vaccine for every bullshit news article that's been spread about by stay at home moms on Facebook
I would have autism.
I like coming in to work.
It's the eight hour wait to go home that's bullshit.
My doctor told me I have early on-set dimensia.
I said "That's bullshit! I can't remember the last time I forgot something!"
You ever heard of the brown cow that gives chocolate milk?
It's udder bullshit.
All the girls I date are unemployed, drunk, and are on drugs.
I'm starting to think this whole opposites attract thing is bullshit.
A teacher once told me...
True story:
Remember that 'Sticks and Stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me' bullshit??
Well, in Year 4, I heard my teacher say this to another classmate. I raised my hand and said 'Miss, I don't think that's right.'
My teacher asked me why I thought so. So, I threw a dictionary at her.
I used to sell fertilizer.
It was a bullshit job.
A biologist specialized in bovine excrement found a specimen and exclaimed
"This is bullshit!"
A farmer is at the bar complaining about a pushy fertilizer salesman.
There's only so much bullshit a guy can take.
I'm being told that because of my gender I can't be the first female president of USA.
I tell you, as a man, this gender equality in feminism is bullshit.
A special day in February
I asked my 10 year old niece what special day is coming up in February.
"President's Day."
"What does President's Day mean?" I expected her to tell me something about Obama or Bush or Clinton.
Instead, she says, "President's Day is when the President steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we get another year of bullshit."
Women that keep saying they are better at multitasking than Men: Is total Bullshit.
Told one to sit down and shut up.
She couldn't do either.
What does a mumble rapper and a politician have in common?
both of their careers depend on incomprehensible bullshit
When I was a kid, my parents fed me a lot of bullshit, like believing in the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. But I finally started thinking for myself and realized it was all wishful thinking.
Thank you Jesus!
Kim Jong-Un has reportedly made a public appearance after opening a fertiliser factory.
I smell bullshit.
2020 is a leap year
and it leaped right into some bullshit
Dog Years Are Bullshit
Dog years are bullshit. My dogs 10 and she still chases tennis balls when I throw them. When my grandma was 70 and I threw a tennis ball and told her to get it she smacked me in the head and walked away muttering.
So I heard that the stock prices of fertilizer companies around the world started dropping about two months ago.
Apparently it has something to do with donald trump becoming the world's leading supplier of bullshit.
China's lack of transparency on virus is fuelling rumors: US experts
It's basically all this he said Xi said bullshit.
Why won't black people board cruise ships?
We're not falling for that bullshit again.
Angry neighbour "You slept with my wife, I am going to make you pay for that!"
Man: Bullshit, why should I pay twice.
A blind man touches the salt croissants in the bakery...
\-Who wrote all this bullshit!?
I went to a psychologist and he said that I'm a narcissist.
That's bullshit. A perfect guy like me can't possibly have a personality disorder.
They say President Trump first noticed he may have Covid-19
When he couldn't smell the bullshit coming out of his own mouth.
What did Bach's mother say when he came home from school?
I don't know, some bullshit in German, but probably translates to Welcome Bach.
Do you know what attracts flies?
Bullshit
Knock Knock
Who's There?
Isabelle
Isabelle who?
Isabelle available to ring? Instead of going through this knock-knock bullshit every time
"I've never smoked or drank anything in my life..." claimed Gary
"Quit your bullshit Gary I've seen you smoke." Said his friend
"That one doesn't count I was drunk that day"
I once had a dyslexic chemist call me out on my bullshit.
He called me a hypochlorite.
Before the bullshit starts
A man comes into a bar and says: "quickly! two beer and two vodka before the bullshit starts!" The barman pours the drinks and the man downs them quickly one after the other.
"Quickly! two more beer and vodka before the bullshit starts!" the barman pours the drinks and the man thows them back like there is no tomorrow
"Quick! Two **more** beer and two vodka before the bullshit starts!"
"Do you have the money to pay for this?"
"Look the bullshit starts already!"
I asked a farmer how much 50 cows excrete in a year and he said its 1000 kg
Thats a ton of bullshit !
I broke up with my girlfriend because of Zodiac signs incompatibility
She is a Pisces, and I don't believe in bullshit.
A daughter asked her father
"Dad, what kind of man should I marry?"
Her father replied, "His wits come secondary. He must be a man who has a beard".
The daughter, bewildered, asked "What is the significance of the beard?"
The father, staring blankly, said "Well any man with the patience to grow a beard has the patience to deal with your bullshit".
A man gets pulled over right as he's exiting the freeway.
As he rolls down his window, the cop asks him, "Sir, do you have any idea how fast you were going?!"
The man replies, "Well I sure as hell know that I was within the damn speed limit!"
The cop says, "No sure, that's incorrect. You're meant to exit this freeway at 35 mph, and I clocked you doing over 100."
"That's bullshit!" spat the man. "I ain't dumb. I can read. That sign right over there said exit 125!"
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the bullshit bulldog jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working bullshit nonsense piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.