The Best 70 Bullet Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Bullet jokes. There are some bullet bullseye jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these bullet pellets puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Bullet Jokes and Puns
Bullets are so weird
They only do their job AFTER they're fired
So an old lady's husband dies...
The old lady depressed and wants to kill herself goes to the doctor and asks him "Where is the heart located?" The doctor tells her it is under the left breast. The old lady goes to the gun store and buys a gun, goes home and puts the gun under her left breast and pulls the trigger. The old lady was soon admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.
Guy can tell how any animal was killed
Guy walks into a bar and says: While I am blindfolded, I can feel the pelt of any animal and tell you how it was killed.
People start betting, the guy is blindfolded and given the first pelt (this bar has them for some reason).
the man holds the pelt and fingers the bullet hole, then says: this is a polar bear and it was killed .30-06! He is correct!
the next pelt is handed to him. He feels it and finds the bullet hole. then he says: This is a muskrat and it was killed by a .22! He is correct! Everyone cheers, beers are bought and a good time is had by all.
the next morning, the man wakes up in his own bed next to his wife but he now has a black eye and a headache. He wakes his wife and asks what happened with his new shiner. she says that she gave it to him. he asks why. well, she says, last night you came home drunk, and stuck your hand down my pants. then you yelled in my ear: **SKUNK, KILLED BY AX.**
Tony Romo just tried to kill himself
The bullet was intercepted
Whats faster than a speeding bullet?
A Jew with a coupon
Be careful of your aim
A woman was pregnant with triplets.
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her that her children will be all right, and that one day the bullets will come out.
So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.
The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"
On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" So she goes, "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"
What's the difference between George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin?
Zimmerman can dodge a bullet.
Three boys are bragging about whose dad is the fastest runner...
The first says "My dad is a hunter. He can shoot an arrow, run to where it's gonna land and catch it!"
"That's nothing!" says the second boy "My dad's a police officer. He can shoot a bullet and be at the target before the bullet hits!"
"My dad can run the fastest!" says the third boy. "He's a civil servant. He works till 4 and is always home by 3:30!"
VA Nurse joke
What is the difference between a VA nurse and a bullet?
* A bullet can draw blood
* A bullet can be fired
* A bullet can only kill one person
Tony Romo was depressed after yesterday's loss.
He was so upset he got his gun, pointed it at his throwing hand, and pulled the trigger.
He's OK, The bullet was intercepted.
What's the difference between officer Darren Wilson and Michael Brown?
Officer Wilson can dodge a bullet
You can explore bullet oswald reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean bullet revolver dad jokes. There are also bullet puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
I don't understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass.
I mean, I know he's black and all, but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.
A blonde was rushed to the hospital
A blonde was rushed to the hospital with a bullet wound in her index finger.
Doctor: how did this happen?
Blonde: I tried to suicide.
Doctor: you shot your finger for suicide?
Blonde: No, I shot in my ear. But just before pulling the trigger, I realized that there would be a loud bang, so I closed my other ear with my finger.
Dodged the bullet
A girl asked me today if she is wearing too much make-up. I told her my reply depends on whether or not she intends to kill Batman.
A bullet walks into a bar, depressed.
"Why the sad face?" asks the bartender.
"I got fired."
The doctors rushed quickly to remove the bullet which was lodged in his artery...
But it turns out it was all in vain
What did the mama bullet say to the papa bullet?
We're going to have a BB!
Two statisticians are out hunting...
Two statisticians are out hunting when one of them sees a duck. The first takes aim and shoots, but the bullet goes sailing pass 6in too high. The second statistician also takes aim and shoots, but this time the bullet goes sailing past 6in too low. The two statisticians then give one another high fives and exclaim "Got him!"
What's the difference between a Jew and a Bullet?
The Bullet leaves the chamber.
Courtesy of my comrade Ivo
What's the difference between a repost and a bullet?
I don't want to put a repost in my mouth
The Joker is in a room with Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, and has a gun with one bullet, who does he shoot?
Neither. Some men just want to watch the world burn.
What did the Alabama Sheriff call the black man with 20 bullet holes in his back?
The worst case of suicide he's ever seen.
Man, I sure am mad about the rising bullet prices...
Now I get less bang for my buck!
I told a man I was voting third party
He said, "That's wasting your vote! Come on, gun to your head, who would you pick, Clinton or Trump"
"Simple," I replied, "I'd pick the bullet."
Did you hear about the brain implant that can fix stupid?
It's called a bullet.
A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot 3 times in the gut.
They rush her to the hospital and everything turns out ok. The babies are all fine.
12 years later one of her daughters comes to her worried "mom mom mom i was peeing and a bullet came out!"
"Thats strange." Says the mom.
A few days after that her other daughter rushes up "MOM MOM MOM i was peeing and a bullet came out!"
"Thats really strange" says the mom.
A few more weeks pass without issue, then her son comes up to her "MOM MOM MOM" she cuts him off "let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out."
"NO! I WAS JACKING OFF AND I SHOT THE DOG!"
My professor just said that the particle of light is like a bullet...
The black objects absorb more.
..Trump said "Buy american, Hire american"
Standing on an Ikea podium from *Sweden*, behind bullet proof by Saint Gobain Glass from *France*, smiling at a 4K Sony *Japanese* Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser *German* microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in *Switzerland*
he patriotically said ..*"Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants".* while standing beside a *Slovenian wife*
A guy shoots a random man on the street.
Cop: "Did you kill this man?"
Guy: "No, a bullet killed him. Bullets are made of lead, which comes from the ground. The ground is part of nature. He died of natural causes. Case closed."
Luke cage
In marvels luke cage everyone thinks that luke has super powers because he's bullet proof.
But bullet proof black people isn't a super power it's straight up evolution.
A blonde tried to commit suicide
Police found six bullet holes in her mirror.
The fact that president Obama needs four inches of bullet proof glass at every public speaking event, is proof that racism is still alive
Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot everyone.
I wonder if JFK ever thought about how he'd die.
At least I know a bullet crossed his mind.
A bank robber just finished his heist
Unfortunately, his mask accidentally dropped for a few seconds. He picked it up, put it back, then asked a guy kneeling next to him.
"Did you see my face?" Asked the robber.
"Yes, but I swear I won't-" A bullet went through the guy's head. Then the robber asked the next guy kneeling next to his wife.
"And you? Did you see my face"
"No, sir. But my wife did"
Post Your Chuck Norris Jokes Here
Chuck Norris got shot. We are now in the hospital, where the bullet is in critical condition.
Has anyone else noticed
During most of the speeches Obama gave, he was behind bullet proof glass? I know he was black and all, but I doubt he would of shot anyone.
"Would you take a bullet for the last person you had sex with?"
"Of course, anything for family!"
TIL: You can use tampons to stuff bullet holes to stall bleeing before getting the person to the hospital.
That's actually what tampons were originally used for. Then nurses were all, "Wait, I've got a bleeding hole too!"
I went hunting with my preacher.
We went hunting in the same spot together. A deer walked out and we both shot at the same time. Upon inspecting the deer, we couldn't find any bullet holes. I said "It must be yours preacher. The bullet was like your sermons. It went in one ear and out the other!"
Did you hear about the new show "Schrodinger's Bullet"?
It's hit and miss.
Someone asked me if I'd take a bullet for the last person I had sex with
I mean, obviously, anything for family
What did the Alabama sherriff say about the black guy with 17 bullet holes in his back?
He said it was the worse case of suicide he's ever seen
Why was the NRA presentation not well received?
It had too many bullet points.
My uncle got shot by a stray bullet. By some miracle, he had a bible in his jacket pocket.
So he had something to read as he bled to death.
Looking back, I'm glad I didn't get that YouTube internship
I really dodged a bullet
Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.
Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd
How do you know a blonde has been trying to commit suicide?
There are bullet holes in the mirror.
Chuck Norris was shot today
The bullet is in critical condition
Does anyone know how to draw a very realistic bullet?
Because I'm drawing a blank.
I have a superpower.... I can stop a bullet....
... once...
Saw a guy betting anyone $50 to see if he could fire a bullet into a pile of cow dung 30 yards away.
I thought to myself, that's kind of a crapshoot.
A pregnant woman walks into a bank being robbed,
She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. Luckily, all her children were safe.
15 years later, one of her daughters came up to her and said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.
Then, her other daughter walked into the room and she said, "Mom, I was peeing and a bullet came out." So, she told her daughter the story.
Finally, her son came in and she assumed she knew what he was going to say, "Let me guess, you were peeing and a bullet came out?"
The son replied, "No, what? I was masturbating and I shot the dog."
Before guns were invented
armies had to throw bullets at each other and if a bullet touched you, you had to sit this one out until the next war
Two soldiers are lost in the desert, thirsty and starving.
Ahead they see a tree with strips of meat hanging from its branches.
"A bacon tree!" the first exclaims and he runs towards it only to be cut down by a sniper's bullet.
"That's no bacon tree," says the other. " That's a ham-bush!"
What's the difference between a police officer and a bullet?
When a bullet kills someone else, you know it's been fired
What's the difference between an officer and a bullet?
The bullet stops after it hits you once.
(NSFW) Ther Hunter
Jim and Carl are sitting up their post. Jim looks through his finder for a moment. Then he asks: "Carl, what would you do if your wife cheated on you?"
Carl: "I'd shoot her in the head."
Jim: "what would you do with her lover?"
Carl: "I'd shoot his balls off"
Jim looks at Carl: "If you hurry up you can do it with one bullet"
I shot a bullet into the air and it hit my hand.
On one hand I'm really happy that it didn't hit my head and kill me, but on the other hand I have a big gaping hole now.
This 4th of July, the British should celebrate Independence Day too.
Now they feel like they dodged a bullet.
I saw a werewolf behind the bus stop last night!
Or a really hairy homeless guy.
Either way, the silver bullet worked!
A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting...
A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.
The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards short.
The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, lifts his rifle slightly higher, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards long.
The statistician yells "We got him!"
My girlfriend asked me if I would take a bullet for her
I said of course I would!
But if the intent was so that I could finally die or to actually protect her is a whole 'nother conversation
A man and a woman go on a date.
They finish up dinner and the man drives the woman to her house, and walks her to the front door. The man pulls out a gift box from his pocket.
"I have something for you." the man says. "It's from my heart."
"Oh, thank you!" the woman responds. The woman opens up the box, and finds a bullet. "What is this?" she asks, already knowing it's a bullet, however.
"It's from my heart." the man says. "I got it when I was in Iraq."
What did Putin say upon seeing Alexei Navalny's bullet riddled body?
"Worst case of suicide I've ever seen"
What do Russians call it when you put a bullet in a gun and fire it at your head?
Suicide.
What do Russians call it when someone else puts a bullet in a gun and fires it at your head?
Suicide.
What's the difference between the police and a bullet?
At least when a bullet kills someone, it's fired
A soldier in WWII was shot but coins in his pocket stopped the bullet.
It was his life savings.
What do you call a slow bullet?
A Slug.
How did the bullet lose its job?
It got fired.
Pretty dark you've been warned
Why does Obama give his speeches behind bullet proof glass? I know he's black and all but I doubt he'll shoot anyone.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the bullet arrow jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working bullet shot piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.