bullet Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious bullet stories

What are the best bullet puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Bullet? Well here is a complete list of the top bullet jokes:

What's the difference between humans and a bullet?

Humans miss John Lennon

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Bullets are so weird

They only do their job AFTER they're fired

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So an old lady's husband dies...

The old lady depressed and wants to kill herself goes to the doctor and asks him "Where is the heart located?" The doctor tells her it is under the left breast. The old lady goes to the gun store and buys a gun, goes home and puts the gun under her left breast and pulls the trigger. The old lady was soon admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.

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Tony Romo just tried to kill himself

The bullet was intercepted

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What's the difference between George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin?

Zimmerman can dodge a bullet.

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Whats faster than a speeding bullet?

A Jew with a coupon

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Superman gets horny....

So one day superman is flying around but he is super horny and goes flying around the rooftops. He sees wonderwoman naked on the roof of a building, so he flys down like a bullet and starts fucking her. He finishes quickly so he flys away. Wonderwoman yells "what the hell was that?" And invisible man goes
"I have no idea but my ass hurts!"

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Superman

One day Superman was flying around as he always did. When he was surprised to see Wonder Woman lying on her back fully naked.

Superman thinks to himself, I'm Superman, I'm faster than a speeding bullet. Now is my chance to do something I have always wanted to do.

So Superman swoops down to Wonder Woman and does his thing and is out of there in a blink of the eye.

Wonder Woman says, Woah! What was that!

The Invisible Man says, I don't know. But my ass sure hurts!

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How many bullets do you need to kill a jew?

Just one if they're all chained up.

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I would take a bullet for you...

Actually, I would not take a bullet for you, if I have time to jump in the way, you have time to move out of the way. (My 16 year old cousins says)

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Why you should live in the South

In the North they sue, in the South they shoot and removing a bullet is cheaper than a lawyer

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Don't get shot!

You left hand index finger just turned into a gun and fires a bullet. How fucked are you?

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A Frenchman, and Englishman and an American get stranded on an island with natives...

The natives tell them that they will all die and their skin will be used to cover a canoe. However, they can choose the weapon with which to kill themselves.

The Englishman chooses a pistol. He says "Long live the queen!" and puts a bullet through his head.

The Frenchman chooses a sword. He says "Vive la France!" and slits his wrists.

The American asks for a fork. Confused, but not willing to renege on his promise the tribe leader provides a fork.

Suddenly the American begins stabbing himself. There is blood everywhere, his skin is covered in holes. Just before he dies of loss of blood he looks the tribe leader in the eyes and says "Fuck your canoe."

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So the CIA, FBI and KGB were having a competition...

CIA, FBI and KGB were quarreling which unit was the most efficient and they decided to determine this with a friendly competition. They went to the edge of a large forest and decided that whoever could find and bring a rabbit out of the forest would be the winner.

First goes the FBI. They return in an hour holding only bloody rabbit ears filled with bullet holes. "The rabbit resisted the arrest", they tell.

Next goes the CIA. They return in an half an hour and declare that rabbits do not exist, they are only a conspiracy and misobserved weather balloons.

Lastly goes the KGB. They return in 10 minutes, dragging a badly-beaten bear in cuffs. The bear cries: "Okay okay, I'm a rabbit, stop hitting me!"

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Superman goes in for some of that Wonderwoman (NSFW)

(Not mine, obviously.) Superman's horny as hell and he's flying around Metropolis and he spots Wonder Woman sunbathing on the roof of the Justice League of America. Superman figures that he can swoop down and fuck Wonder Woman without her even realizing it because he's Superman right? He's faster than a speeding bullet. So he swoops down and fucks her and he's gone in a flash! Wonder Woman gets up and says 'what the hell was that?' And the invisible man says, 'I don't know but my ass is killing me.

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What was the last thing that went through Abraham Lincoln's head when he got assassinated?

The bullet

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So a Cowboy is on the run from the Native Americans...

He is pursued by the whole tribe, and only has one bullet left in his gun. He rides forth and thinks to himself, "That's it, I am fucked."

Suddenly the Angel comes down from Heavens and tells him, "You ain't 'fucked' just yet; go hide in that bush." The Cowboy promptly hides in the bush, his adversaries are initially distraught but then the Sharp Eye, the chief's eldest son, spots him and continues the chase."

"I am truly fucked now," says the Cowboy to himself; but the Angel intercedes again, saying "You ain't truly fucked just yet, go hide in the cave." He follows the Angel's advise, but the Sharp Eye and his henchmen find him again and continue the pursuit.

Finally, his stallion gives up on him, the tribe surrounds him and the Cowboy thinks, "Well, at last, I am truly fucked." The Angel then appears and says, "No, you ain't fucked just yet, you have one last bullet, kill the Chief's son." Cowboy takes out his gun and kills the Sharp Eye, chief's son.

"Well, *now* you're truly fucked," says the Angel.

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A physicist, an engineer and a statistician are on a hunting trip...

... they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left.

The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right.

Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"

SOURCE: One of about three jokes the PhD students from the computational mathematics and statistics know.

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Bonus: Incest is a family-wise error.

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What did Mary give her cheating husband for Christmas?

A bullet.

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I'm a panda, look it up.

A panda walks in to a restaurant, sits down and orders his meal. After his meal, the waiter comes over to drop of the check. At this point, the panda stands up and puts a bullet into the waiter's head, point blank. He then proceeds to walk out of the restaurant. The manager stops the panda on his way towards the door saying "Hey, where are you going, you just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your bill. I'm calling the cops." The panda turns to look at the manager and says, "I'm a fucking panda, look it up!" and he walks out the door. As the manager is waiting for the police to arrive, he decides that he will look up panda in the dictionary. He reads the definition "Panda - Large bear found mainly in Asia, defined by distinct black and white coloring. Eats chutes and leaves."

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Peeing Bullets

A woman pregnant with triplets is in a bank, all of a sudden robbers walk in start shooting up the place, the woman is shot and gets rushed to the hospital.
After surgery and recovery the doctor comes in and tells her that a bullet got lodged in each fetus but they will be alright and the bullets will find their way out naturally in a few years.
14 years later one of the kids comes home, pale and scared to death, Mom asks what wrong and he says when he was at school, while peeing something came out of his penis, the mom explains everything and cools him down.
A couple of days later the second kid comes home with the same story and she explains everything to him as well.
Sometime later the third kid comes into the house scared to death and crying, Mom asks:"what's the matter honey ? did something weird happen when you were peeing? " and the kid responds:"No, I was jerking off in the yard and suddenly I shot the dog"
*

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So there was this professional assassin who charged $1000 a bullet...

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $1000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, we'll I've got $2000 here. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."

"Let's go," the assassin says.

So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.

"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."

The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.

"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.

"Hold on two more minutes. I think I can save you $1000."

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Whats faster then a speeding bullet?

A jew with a coupon

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What was going through John F Kennedy's head when he was assassinated?

a bullet

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Can bulletproof whiteboards save lives? http://piersmorgan.blogs.cnn.com/2013/08/27/piers-morgan-live-rewind-can-bulletproof-whiteboards-save-lives-george-tunis-companys-invention-and-ben-furgusons-reaction/

I guess that depends on if a blackboard has the gun...

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What was the last thing to go through JFK's mind right before he was shot?

A bullet

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The Hunter

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.

They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right.

They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.

Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this blackeye?"

His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

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This is a mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The engineer rolls his eyes. 'You forgot to account for wind. Give it here', he snatches the rifle, licks his finger and estimates the speed and direction of the wind and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the right. Suddenly, the statistician claps his hands and yells "We got him!"

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Why did Christopher Nolan Direct "Man of Steel" After Finishing "The Dark Knight Rises"?

Because Superman is faster than a speeding bullet.

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How fast can you go with a girl?

68 Cuz if you go 69 you eat it.

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Wonder Woman is a hottie...

One day superman was flying around a city high in the sky. He glances down to see Wonder Woman laying on top of a building. On closer inspection he realized that she is butt naked with her legs spread wide open. Superman thinks to himself "you know, I am faster than a speeding bullet, I bet I could go down there and fuck her so fast she wouldn't even know what happened." So he does it. Right after, Wonder Woman says "what the fuck was that?" The Invisible man on top of her says "I don't know, but jesus my asshole hurts."

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Why is a bullet like a gay man?

When it gets it in the ass, he blows his load!

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Dirty Assassin

So there was this professional assassin who charged $1000 a bullet. A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $1000 a bullet?"
"Yup."
"What if you miss?"
He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."
"Okay, we'll I've got $2000 here. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best friend. They're at the motel together right now."
"Let's go," the assassin says.
So they drive to a store across the street from the motel and climb up on the roof. The assassin takes out his rifle and attaches the scope.
"They're in room 21. I want you to shoot her in the head, and I want you to blow his dick off."
The assassin looks through his scope. He keeps staring for several minutes, not taking the shot.
"Well? What are you waiting for!?" the husband asks.

"Hold on two more minutes. I think I can save you $1000."

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A woman pregnant with triplets gets shot

with three bullets to her womb. Miraculously she and all her children survived. However, a bullet had embedded in each of the three children. The doctor decided it would be best to leave the bullets. A few months later she gives birth to two beautiful daughters and a son, with no health complication.

~~~13 years later ~~~

The mother had decided that it would be best for the children if she never told them about the shooting. One day when one of her daughters was using the washroom she peed out the bullet. She freaked out and ran to her mother, "Mom, mom I was just using the washroom and I peed out a bullet, what is going on?!" And the mom decided it was time to come clean. "I was shot 13 years ago, and a bullet has embedded in you and your brother and sister..." A few days later her other daughter comes running "Mom, mom I was just using the washroom and I peed out a bullet, what is going on?!" and the mother responded "I was shot 13 years ago, and a bullet has embedded in you and your brother and sister..." A few days, not to the mothers surprise her son came running "Mom, mom..." "Wait, let me guess , interrupted the mother, you were using the washroom and you peed out a bullet?" "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

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Three adventurers are captured by an ancient tribe and the chief tells them, "We're going to kill you and use your skins to make canoes...

"...However, we are merciful and will let you choose the method of your death."

The first adventurer asks for a pistol, and one is produced with a single bullet. He dutifully shoots himself.

The second adventurer asks for some painless poison and a cup of black liquid is produced. He drinks it and keels over.

The third adventurer asks for a fork. The tribe is very confused but decide to honor the wish and give the man a fork.

He immediately begins stabbing himself over and over with the fork. The chief finally speaks, "What on earth are you doing? You can't possibly kill yourself like this. We have knives and swords if you wish to use them instead."

The adventurer just keeps stabbing himself with the fork and yells, "So much for your canoe!"

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Be careful of your aim

A woman was pregnant with triplets.
One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
She goes to the doctor who tells her that her children will be all right, and that one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says "MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!" So the mother tells her the story.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, "MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!"

On the third day the son comes out and says "MOM, MOM!" So she goes, "Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?" he replies "No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!"

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What is Oscar Pistorius' favourite band?

Bullet for my valentine

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Guy can tell how any animal was killed

Guy walks into a bar and says: While I am blindfolded, I can feel the pelt of any animal and tell you how it was killed.

People start betting, the guy is blindfolded and given the first pelt (this bar has them for some reason).

the man holds the pelt and fingers the bullet hole, then says: this is a polar bear and it was killed .30-06! He is correct!

the next pelt is handed to him. He feels it and finds the bullet hole. then he says: This is a muskrat and it was killed by a .22! He is correct! Everyone cheers, beers are bought and a good time is had by all.

the next morning, the man wakes up in his own bed next to his wife but he now has a black eye and a headache. He wakes his wife and asks what happened with his new shiner. she says that she gave it to him. he asks why. well, she says, last night you came home drunk, and stuck your hand down my pants. then you yelled in my ear: **SKUNK, KILLED BY AX.**

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Village Idiot

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town. Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with the bullet hole in dead center. The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The man turned out to be the village idiot. "This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?" "Nothing to it," said the idiot. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."

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A pregnant woman is standing in line at the bank...

Suddenly, the bank gets robbed. She gets shot 3 times. Quickly she's being rushed to the hospital. There she learns her unborn babies survived. A few months later she bears 3 children, 2 daughters and a son. Each one has a bullet in them. The doctor tells her they'll pee it out eventually.

13 years later one of her daughters runs over screaming to her. "Mommy mommy I went to pee and a bullet came out of me". She then proceeds to explain the whole ordeal. The same happens with her second daughter.

Then her son comes running over with a startled look on his face. "I see what happened, you pee'd and a bullet came out of you.", said the mother. "No, I was masturbating and I accidentally shot the dog."

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Johnny's mother and the bullet.

Johnnny's mom was pregnant with twins, johnny and his sister. While pregnant, she was robbed and shot twice in the stomach. The doctor said the Barbie would survive, but would piss out a bullet once they hit puberty. She gave birth, and some years later johnny's sister came running to her mom saying, "Mommy, mommy! I went to the bathroom and pissed out a bullet! So her mom told her what happened. A few days later, Johnny came running to his mother and said, Mommy mommy! Guess what happened?" She asked, "Did you piss out a bullet?" Johnny said, "No, mom. I was jacking off and I shot the dog."

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Johnny's mother and the bullet.

Johnnny's mom was pregnant with twins, johnny and his Emma. While pregnant, she was robbed and shot twice in the stomach. The doctor said the babies would survive, but would piss out a bullet once they hit puberty. She gave birth, and some years later Emma came running to her mom saying, "Mommy, mommy! I went to the bathroom and pissed out a bullet! So her mom told her what happened. A few days later, Johnny came running to his mother and said, Mommy mommy! Guess what happened?" She asked, "Did you piss out a bullet?" Johnny said, "No, mom. I was jacking off and I shot the dog."

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As a Jew, I have heard many Jewish jokes, here are a few...

Why do Jews have big noses? because air is free...
Whats the difference between a Jew and a Pizza? Pizza's don't scream in the oven....
What's faster than a speeding bullet? A Jew with a coupon...
How many Jews can you fit into a car? 2 in the front, 3 in the back, and 6 million in the ash tray...
Why did Hitler kill himself? he saw his gas bill...
Why did Moses split the red sea? He saw a nickle at the bottom...
If you all have any I find them hilarious so please share :)

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best bullet jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 43 puns about bullet. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty bullet gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laugh? How do you make someone laugh? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter just like dad jokes. Some of these bullet jokes are funny and some are hilarious. With this collection it's easy to be a joker. Have fun and dig deeper into our archive.

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