Building Jokes

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said

"I want you to try to sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"
I said "$200 and it's yours."

What does "Secure the Building" mean to veterans?

If you're a veteran, I can tell what branch of the military you were in based on how you understand the phrase "secure the building."
If you were a Marine you think it means to hit the building with mortar and machine gun fire.
If you were in the Army you think it means to go from room to room clearing them of enemy combatants.
If you were in the Navy it means to turn out all the lights and lock the door.
If you were in the Air Force it means to take out a five year lease with an option to buy.

Two retired business men sitting on a beach.

Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.
John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.
Mike is silent for a while then he asks John, "How do you start a flood?"

I bet you $20 that you won't be able to push the same thing back in my wheelbarrow.

Two workers - one big and strong, the other small and weak - are on a building site.
The small chap says "I bet you $20 that I can push something to the end of the yard in my wheelbarrow and you won't be able to push the same thing back."
"You're on," says the big guy.
"Righto," says the small fellow, "Jump in."

I was recently asked if I believed faith could move mountains.

Apparently "No, but I've seen what it can do to buildings," is the wrong answer.

I just turned on nickelodeon and saw bob the builder building a wall...

... to keep Dora from exploring.

My friend got jailed 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building.

Turns out they were firefighters.

So to celebrate the Halloween season...

... I was going to go to a 200 year old building that was apparently set up with shriveled up old corpses, dangerous bandits, bloodsucking vampires, hellbent soulless demons, and the like. But it turns out the Capitol Building is closed for tours until a budget resolution is reached.

As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like...

As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like overhearing your downstairs neighbours debating about whether or not to set the building on fire.

Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.

The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.
The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.
The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."

Interviewer : "Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and it's on fire. How will you escape?"

"It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination."

What did the physicist say to the man about to jump off a building?

"Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

My dad told me this is why different branches of the military have so much trouble communicating.

They all have different vocabulary. For instance; "Secure that building."
Tell a marine that and he'll go kill everyone inside.
Tell a soldier and he'll put up razor wire, sandbags, and machine gun nests.
Tell a sailor and he'll go in and close and lock all the windows and doors.
Tell an airman and he will take out a lease with an option to buy.

The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say...

..."This is the whey"
​
(Sorry)

Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story office building.

It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.

A scientist dropped a burger and a broccoli from the top of a building to see which one of them would hit the ground first. Which one hit the ground first?

The burger. This is because burger is a Fast food. Thank you.

Two pieces of Road walk into a bar

They order two large beers and talk loudly, they are the toughest pieces of road in the building.
15 minutes later, a small piece of pavement walks through and asks for a small orange juice. When the roads see him, they move into the corner and stay quiet.
The bartender notices this and goes over to them and says I thought you two were the toughest they come, why are you scared of that small, quiet guy? They respond with:
You should be careful with him, He's a Cycle Path

My next job, I want to be the security guard at the philosophy building of a university...

I will spend my days asking philosophy students Who are you, and why are you here?

What did the physicist say about the child that jumped off a building?

He had so much potential

Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition

And was promptly left in embarrassment when he realized that he'd severely misunderstood the objective.

I used to love building sandcastles with my grandma

But my parent's eventually found it creepy and glued the urn shut

Whats the difference between engineering and religion?

Engineering build planes and buildings. Religion brings them together.

I knew a guy who had an irrational fear of overly intricate clusters of commercial buildings.

He had a complex complex complex.

A man lost at sea is found on an island 20 years later.

The sailors that find him are surprised to see three large buildings on the island. They ask the man why he built the buildings. "This first building is my house" he says. "I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plumbing". The sailors are impressed and ask about the second building. "This second building is my church" he says "I am a Christian and my faith is very important to me". The sailors nod in understanding and ask about the third building. "Oh, that one" the man says. "That's the church I USED to go to".

What's the difference between the foundation of a building and the average Redittor?

The foundation's been laid.

I'm playing Monopoly with Donald Trump and Hilary Clinton...

Trump grabbed Community Chest as fast as he could, is building hotels on properties he doesn't really own and is refusing to pay income tax
Clinton started out with a house on Illinois Ave, somehow always has a "Get out of jail free" card and keeps saying she respects any opponent holding Vermont Ave
However, in the end, I have a feeling neither will be satisfied until they get a house on Pennsylvania Ave

After the waters receded, Noah commanded all the animals to "Go forth and multiply!"...

The ark quickly emptied, except for two small snakes, who stayed behind.
When Noah asked them why, they replied, "We can't multiply. We're adders."
Noah, being the resourceful man he was, immediately got busy cutting down trees and building a large table with the unfinished lumber therefrom.
And he saw that it was good.
The snakes were overjoyed when Noah picked them up and placed them on it. Noah and the snakes both knew that even adders could multiply on a log table.

Saw some kids building sandcastles on the beach so I ran and jumped on one of them.

Then I wrecked his sandcastle.

TIFU by trying to be witty at the airport...

The TSA confiscated my protein powder asking "Are you planning on building any bombs with this substance?"
I replied "No, only guns."

Late one night in the USSR there is a knock at the door.

Everyone leaps out of bed. Papa goes shakily to the door.

'It's all right,' he says, coming back. 'The building's on fire.'

A lizard tatoo artist applies for a job at an architectural firm...

The hiring manager is perplexed. "How" he asks, "does inking reptiles amount to 'relevant experience' designing buildings for our firm?"
"Well for starters" the lizard tatoo artist begins, "all of my drawings are to scale."
*This is OC fam. Just put my 2 weeks notice in at my day job.*

Fred is a hippo who goes to a University where everyone is a hippo

One day, someone asked Fred where to find the medical building. Fred replied, "Its over there and to the left. I do brain research in there."
Fred is an expert on the hippocampus.

Lately I've found my job, building kitchen work surfaces, to be counter productive.

What did the optimist say as he jumped off the building?

So far, so good.

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse:

You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

2 men are robbing an apartment...

...when they hear sirens outside the building.
"We need to jump!" says the first man.
The second man replies "But we're on the 13th floor!"
"This is no time to be superstitious!" exclaims the first man.

Depression in Mexico

There are been a sharp increase in depression in Mexico since Trump got into office on the platform of building a wall between the two countries.
Leading mental health experts have said that sadly many Mexicans will never get over it.

What was Viktor Frankenstein's favorite sport?

Body building.

One day while a cowboy was building a barn.....

he lost his favorite book. A week later, one of his horses came up to him holding the book in its mouth. The cowboy was stunned. He took the book from the horse and said, It's a miracle!
Not exactly, said the horse. Your name is written inside.

What kind of building is the tallest?

Libraries, because they have the most stories!

Muslim artists threw some paint bombs at a local building...

They blue it up.

10 september 2001

The child of Bin Laden comes home grumpy. His dad asks him "what happened?". "Today I got an F in geography class". "And what did she ask you?". "What's the tallest building from New York and I said Empire State Building". "Eh, don't cry over it, I'll take care of that for you."

What kind of dog can jump higher than a building?

Any kind. Buildings can't jump.

Donald Trump and Michael Pence are having a race from the roof of a very tall building. They both decide to jump down, as it's the fastest way down. Who wins?

Society

264 students died in a school fire...

in Beijing earlier today. The most tragic thing was they all got out safely, ran around the building, and then ran back inside.

A reporter goes to a distant town in Alaska.

First he goes by train and then he has to ride a dog sled for several hours to get there. Upon arriving, he asks the town mayor:
"Have you considered building a train station closer to the town?"
"We have," answers the mayor, "but we eventually decided that the train station should be closer to the railroad."

What do you call spiderman after he lost his powers, but still jumps from building to building?

Peter Parkour
(-my brother)