The Best 76 Buddy Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Buddy jokes. There are some buddy bar jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these buddy companion puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Buddy Jokes and Puns
The man says to the bartender...
"Gimme twelve shots of your finest whiskey, and fast!"
The bartender lines up a dozen shot glasses and as he fills them, the man starts to down them one after the other.
Shocked, the bartender asks, "What's the hurry, buddy?"
Between shots, the man replies, "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I've got."
Concerned, the bartender asks kindly, "What have you got, brother?"
The man downs the last shot and puts all his money on the table. "Fifty cents!"
Two bats are sitting in a cave...
...one looks at the other a says, "I'm hungry. Think I'll go get some blood". So he flew out of the cave.
About an hour later he returns with his face covered in blood. His buddy looks at him and says, "Wow! How did you get all that blood?".
"Well...", he replies, "you know when you are flying out of the cave, you hang a right and then you see that tree in front of you..."
"Yeah?", says his buddy.
He replies, "Well.....I didn't".
My buddy tells me he had sex with his GF and her twin the other night.
I asked him how he told them apart.
He says, "well her brother has a mustache"
two men are driving down the country road when....
...one man sees a sheep with its head stuck in the fence. he pulls the truck over, gets out, walks up to the sheep and pulls down his pants and has sex with the sheep. After he is done he walks back and tells his buddy "hey man its your turn". his buddy walks over to the sheep, gives a deep sigh, and sticks his head in the fence.
Guy walks into a bar. (yes another one)
Guy walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of tequila "line em up".
Guy starts slamming the shots one after the other.
Bartender says "Hey, slow down buddy!"
Guy says "No way, If you had what I had you'd be drinkin' this fast too."
Bartender says "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know. What have you got?"
Guy takes another shot and says " Oh, about 75 cents."
An RAF vet is giving a talk about the war...
An RAF veteran is giving a talk to a class of school children, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.
"So there I was, escorting the bombers to their target, when out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed to shoot the Fokker down. Then one was on my tail and I coukdn't shake the Fokker, but my pal took care of him. Then I took out two more of the Fokkers..."
The teacher interupts "Children I should explain, the Fokker was a type of figher airplane used by the German Air Force to stop the RAF bombers and their escorts."
"Yes, but these Fokkers were Messerschmitts!"
My buddy has big news...
He comes to me one day and says "Dude, you'll never believe it, I'm banging twins."
"That's awesome" I reply "but how can you tell them apart?"
"Easy" he says "Marys got long blonde hair and Steves got a moustache."
My buddy told me he had a threesome with his girlfriend and her twin.......
I asked how he could tell them apart. He said "Her brother has a mustache."
A blonde is pulled over by a police officer...
"May I see your License Ma'am?"
"You know you cops really need to get your act together... One day your buddy takes my license away, and the next you ask for it"
Canadian summer
I asked my Canadian buddy "Did you have a good summer?"
He said "No! I was working that day."
What did the math text book say to the Shakespeare text book?
Look, buddy, I've already got a lot of problems, and I really don't need any of your drama.
You can explore buddy dawg reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean buddy hey dad jokes. There are also buddy puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A man is walking down the street dragging 20 ft of rope behind him.
His neighbor is curious & asks, "Hey buddy, why you pulling that rope?"
The man replies, "You ever tried pushing it?"
are you sure I'm drunk?
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."
The wasted man asked, "Officer, are you absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."
I told my buddy that Jewish people call god by a different name
He was like, "No way!"
I was like, "Yahweh"
A drunk enters...
...a confessional booth. The priest is waiting for the sinner to speak up, but the drunk doesn't say a word. After a while the priest coughs... nothing... he coughs again... nothing. The priest was patient until now, but enough is enough: he starts banging on the wooden grid. The drunk finally speaks up:
"You're knocking to no avail, buddy... there ain't any toilet paper here either..."
A blind man walks into a bar
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"
The man said to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler, and he's blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"
The blind man was silent for a moment and then said, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
A man walks into a bar and spies two lovely women sitting by the entrance...
As he walks towards the bar, he sees one tap the other shoulder and point at him. She looks him up and down and says "9", followed by giggling. The man goes over to his buddy and boasts that the two lovely ladies by the entrance had said he was a 9.
"Yeah, sorry man, but when I walked in they were speaking German."
My buddy just lost his job at a cinema that only shows Pixar films...
He forgot to show Up
My buddy tells me he doesn't take criticism too well.
I told him he should really work on that.
A rope walks into a bar ...
A rope walks into a bar, sits down, orders a drink. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, we don't serve your kind here."
Dejected, the rope leaves. Outside he ties himself into a knot, frays his ends, and walks back into the bar. The bartender stops him and says, "Hey! Aren't you that rope I just sent out of here?"
To which the rope replies, "No. I'm a frayed knot."
I saw my buddy dressed as a bowl of soup...
I didn't know if he was friend or pho.
I have a buddy that likes to have sex with inanimate objects.
We don't hang out much. He's always got stuff to do.
My buddy drowned the other day
I placed a life jacket in his coffin
It's what he would've wanted
Smoking two cigarettes at once
A girl saw a guy smoking two cigarettes at once, she asked him why ? he replied that he smokes one for himself and one for his buddy in prison. Another day, the same girl saw that guy again smoking only one cigarette this time, she said : "Congrats! i'm verry happy for you and your friend ! he must have missed you", he replied that he still is in prison, she asked : "so why are you smoking only one cigarette ?", he replied : "i stopped smoking".
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants.
The bartender asks, "Hey, buddy, doesn't that bother you?"
The pirate says, "Yar, it's drivin' me nuts."
A man is riding in the back of a taxi...
and the taxi driver is silent and concentrated on the road. Wanting to ask a question, the man taps the driver on the shoulder and says "Hey, buddy!" The driver screams and loses control of the taxi and crashes into a pole. The man says "Wow I didn't know me tapping you would scare you so much!" The driver replies, "It's not you're fault. This is my first day driving a taxi... last 20 years I drove a hearse!"
My buddy went to get a tattoo of an Indian on his back...
Half way through he said "Don't forget to put a big tomahawk in his hand."
The tattooist said "Hang on pal, I've only just finished his turban."
My buddy just came to me all depressed and said My son flunked the third grade, and I just don't know how to break it to him.
So I said well…probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little dumbass will get it."
A man with no carnal desires walks into a Freudian psychoanalyst's office
The psychoanalyst stops him and says, "hey, buddy, I'm gonna need to see some id."
My buddy said to me yesterday, "If I shagged your wife, would that make us related"?
I said "No man, that would just make us even."
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.
His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I've ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."
The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."
A guy meets his buddy at the bar.
He says, "I don't want to brag, but when I walked in, those two girls by the door looked at me, then both said to each other, 'nine' ". His buddy said, "Really? When I walked in, they were speaking German!"
I lost a good friend and long time drinking buddy a few days ago in a tragic accident
he got his finger caught in a wedding ring
My buddy was really into Beyblades before he died
His tombstone reads:
LET IT
R. I. P.
I was at the bar the other night with my buddy having some beers.....
We had been there a while when two large girls came up to the bar and ordered some drinks. I noticed when they ordered they both had strong accents so I said 'Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?' One of them spoke up, with quite an attitude and said 'it's WALES you idiot!!!'
So I immediately said 'Sorry, are you two Whales from Scotland?'
My buddy has a trophy wife
But from the looks of it she didn't get first place
I asked my buddy what it's like working at Google.
Says he can't complain.
My buddy gave me a terrible thesaurus.
It was terrible.
My buddy set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."
I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a diaper...
How do you milk a sheep?
Release another iPhone for $1000.
-Credit to my buddy at work
A guy was meeting his friend in the bar
As he walked in, he noticed two pretty girls looking at him. He heard one girl say to the other, "Nine." Feeling pleased with himself, he swaggered over to his buddy at the bar and told him that the girl in the corner had just rated him a nine out of ten. "Sorry to spoil your evening," said his friend, "but when I walked in they were speaking German"
Jesus walks into a hotel
Jesus walks into a hotel, throws three nails onto the counter and says "hey buddy, can you put me up for the night?"
My Chinese buddy died last week...
So Yung.
A Chinese man walks into a bar.
He goes up to the bartender and asks for a pint of Guinness.
The barman says "No I'm sorry buddy, I can't serve you."
"Why is it because I'm Chinese?!!" he says.
The barman says, "No, you're too young."
The Chinese man looks baffled...
"How do you know my name?"
My buddy signed up for one of those, "learn to be a plumber in 6 weeks" courses you see on TV and his final exam was at 9am today...
He showed up at 3pm, looked at the test paper and said, "Looks like I'm gonna need a pen for this job. I'll have to pop round to my suppliers for one. Be right back."
Graduated top of his class...
My buddy asked me if he could crash on my couch tonight
I had to explain to him that i am married now, and that's where i sleep
My buddy took a job circumcising elephants at the zoo
The money's not great but the tips are huge
I asked my buddy if he always puts an orange wedge in his beer.
He said, "Ehh not really. Maybe once in a Blue Moon."
A median and a mode walk into a bar.
The bartender says, I'm glad you dumped your buddy. He's mean.
I cooked a medium-rare steak for my friend, and he said, I like it Well Done.
I said, Thanks buddy. That means a lot.
My buddy David lost his ID
Now we just call him Dav
A buddy of mine is one of those flat Earther's. He said he's angry and going to the edge.
I have a feeling he'll come around.
A man in a bra.
A man, shocked by how his buddy is dressed, asks him, How long have you been wearing that bra? The friend replies, Ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment.
A guy says to his buddy, "I'm thinking about buying a labrador."
His pal warns, "That might not be such a good idea. Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"
Is it acceptable to take the epidermis from your butt and graft it onto a buddy?
Ass skin for a friend.
God: *creates worm* Hey there little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the worm welcome
God: *creates birds*
A drunk driver is being interrogated
Detective : okay buddy, walk me through the whole thing, from the top
Driver : I don't know, it all happened so fast, I need a drink of water..
Detective : Your water is on its way. But first, tell me if this was premeditated.
Driver : NO! I swear, I just lost control of the car and I was gonna either hit that one guy to the left of the road or plow into that open picnic party full of kids that was on the other side of the road. What would you have done!?
Detective : well, I would have turned for the one guy
Driver : Exactly what I thought as well! But then that guy ran into the picnic party and I had to go after him.
Me: *staring at Medusa's boobs*
Medusa: "Hey buddy, my eyes are up here."
Me: *already rock hard*
I invited my buddy to a costume party and he said he was going as his dad
He didn't show up
Two Texans are sitting in a small town bar, where one bragged to the other: "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except my mother and my sister."
"Well," his buddy replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."
My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!
Man, that sentence was way too long.
Two old guys are working at a sewage treatment plant
One guy goes off to lunch and comes back to find his buddy standing above a vat of sewage with a long rake.
"What are you doing?!" he yells
"My coat fell in" his buddy yells back
"You're not really gonna wear that again are you?!"
"No, no. Gosh no, I'm not going to wear it. I have to get it back though, My teeth are in the pocket!"
(Just a silly joke my granddad told me yesterday. Didnt see it when I searched the sub so figured yall might enjoy)
An officer needed some change so he asked a near by soldier.
Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to address an officer! Now, let's try it again!
Officer: Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
I attended a self-defence course.
At the end of it, the person that ran the course said, "Ok, buddy, so for the week you owe me...£380."
"I refuse to pay," I told him.
"You have to," he insisted.
"Well then, you'll have to fight me for it."
So we fought, and he absolutely battered me. Left me bloody, bruised and beaten.
He said, "£380. Cough it up."
"No," I told him, wiping my lip. "Because it was clearly a waste of money."
My buddy just saw the Chernobyl documentary. As someone that grew up there he said it was really inaccurate.
He was able to count 6 errors on one hand.
A blind man walks into a bar.
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"
The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
Borrow a dollar
An army officer asks to borrow a dollar from a soldier. "Sure, buddy," says the soldier. "That's no way to address a superior!" screams the officer.
"Now let's try that again. May I borrow a dollar, private?" "Sir, no, sir."
I've been feeling really depressed, and my best friend isn't helping
I try to talk about my feelings with him, but he'll just say vaguely supportive things that really don't help. He'll say things like hey, cheer up buddy. I know things seem tough but at least you're not stuck in one of those, you know, those holes in the ground? The thing with the bucket so you can get water from the hole.
I know he means well.
A buddy of mine has two Super Bowl tickets.
40 yard line box seats. He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them it was going to be on the same day as his wedding - probably because of the extra game this year. If you're interested, he's looking for someone to take his place...It's at Sacred Heart Catholic church in Los Angeles at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too. She'll be in the white dress.
My buddy once took a date to see the world's oldest lit candle but it didn't go well.
Turns out you really shouldn't take your date to see an old flame.
A guy asked his buddy to teach him how to fish
His buddy then gave him a list and said "Alright, here are some basic things you need, go get them and I'll prepare the boat for our trip."
A week went by and the guy went back to his buddy accompanied by another guy in complete fishing gear.
"Where the heck have you been?" asked his buddy.
"I went to Poland" he said
"What the heck for?!" asked his buddy, bewildered.
"You wrote that I need a fishing pole!"
I'm Lightning McQueen. My buddy Mater told me if I like the Piston Cup, I could work here and get dozens a day. As it turns out...
That's not what he meant, and I hate working in a drug-screening lab.
Two guys are drinking a beer and one states that he didn't have sex with his wife before they were married.
"What about you?", he asked his buddy.
"I don't know." came the reply. "What was her maiden name?"
The pug
A guy tells his buddy, "I got my wife a dog for her birthday."
His buddy asks, "What breed?"
"It's a pug, the guys says. "And, despite the squashed nose, the bulging eyes and the rolls of fat, the dog really seems to like her."
My buddy just got a job in marketing with Kellogg's cereals...
I guess you could say his job is Raisin Bran awareness.
I always knew my buddy wanted to be a graffiti artist.
I could see the writing on the wall.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the buddy barkeep jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working buddy buddy hackett piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.