Buddhist Monk Jokes
63 buddhist monk jokes and hilarious buddhist monk puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about buddhist monk that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Buddhist Monk Short Jokes
Short buddhist monk jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The buddhist monk humour may include short old monk jokes also.
- Hear the one about the Buddhist monk who *almost* achieved total spiritual enlightenment? He only made it to Nearvana.
- Did you hear about the Buddhist monk who swallowed a Glock 18? He calls it his inner piece
- What does a Buddhist monk say when ordering a subway sandwich? *Make me one with everything*
- Nobody understands except the Buddhist monks... ...that it is not about how fast you get karma, but how long you wait to repost for it.
- A priest, an imam and a rabbi walk into a Buddhist monastery and ask the first monk they find: Whats going om?
- What did the buddhist monk say when he was asked if he was leaving? Na 'ma stay. (namaste)
Grandfather joke at Easter dinner last sunday. Sorry. - Why couldn't the Buddhist monk send his mother a birthday card via email? He had no attachments.
- Did you hear about the buddhist monk who lit himself on fire? I was told he had a bright future
- A buddhist monk is watching TV Another monks come in and says, "What are you watching?"
The monk replies, "Nothing." - Buddhist monks love posting ancient frog memes for you normies You can get a surprising amount of karma for Reeeee posting
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Buddhist Monk One Liners
Which buddhist monk one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with buddhist monk? I can suggest the ones about monk and zen buddhist.
- What did the Buddhist monk say when asked to leave his temple? 'Nah imma stay.'
- What do you call a Buddhist monk who meditates in the snow? Fro-zen.
- How do Buddhist monks send emails? They remove all attachments.
- Wanted: Buddhist Monk Enquire within.
- Why didn't the gorilla join the Buddhist temple? It was too monk-y.
- How much resistance can a Buddhist monk endure? Ohmmmmmm............?
- How does a Buddhist monk do electrical work? He grabs a wire and measures its ohms.
- What did the Buddhist monk say to the dog that ran off with his dinner? NAMA-STEAK
- What did the Buddhist monk say to the Canadian Soccer Mom? Near van, eh?
- Why did the Buddhist Monk leave the monastery? Too much dharma
- How do Buddhist monks compare interests? With zen diagrams!
- A buddhist monk, a rabbi and a priest walk into a bar
- A buddhist monk, a rabbi and a priest walk into a bar. Bartender says he's vegan
- Why did the Buddhist gorilla get locked out of his monastery? He forgot his monk-key.
Delightful Fun Buddhist Monk Jokes for a Roaring Good Time
What funny jokes about buddhist monk you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean dalai lama jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make buddhist monk pranks.
A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked
the monk replied "Religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it
So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked
the monk replied "Religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."
A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.
When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.
She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.
Finally, she seems to recognize someone who appears to be in charge. She runs over and asks the man, "what is going on here?"
The strange man replies, "everyone here is doing their best to better their souls." Confused at the cryptic answer and curious about the strange man's traditional Mongolian garb, the woman asks him to elaborate.
The Buddhist Monk replies, "my dear, having cake is the best way to gain Karma."
A Buddhist monk, a priest, and a rabbi go to the barber for a haircut...
The priest goes in for a haircut first. When he was paying at the counter, the barber tells him that he is a man of god, so he doesn't have to pay. The priest thanks him, and the next morning the barber finds 10 gold coins on his counter.
The next day, the Buddhist monk goes in for a haircut. When he was paying, the barber tells him that he doesn't have to pay, as he was a monk and all of that meditating and praying was hard work. The next morning, the barber finds 10 rubies on his counter.
The next day, the rabbi goes in for a haircut. When he goes to pay, the barber tells him that he is a shepherd of his people and he does not have to pay. The Rabbi thanks him and leaves. The next day, 10 rabbis go into his shop for a haircut.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Buddhist monk goes to a barber
... to have his head s**.... "What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.
That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses.
That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his *payoss* [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know?
The barber finds on his doorstep — a dozen rabbis!
A man visits a Buddhist Monastery.
(non racist version)
A man is sent to China on business. On a day off he goes sightseeing. He gets hopelessly lost in the confusing Chinese roads and finds himself on the outskirts of town where an ancient Buddhist monastery sits. Curious, he goes in. A kindly monk takes him for a tour. In the courtyard of the monastery there is a pond, around which are several monks who are skipping stones.
However, instead of typical splashes when the stones bounced across the water, they heard a Chinese word emanate from the pond. A monk demonstrates and they hear "Ping-Lee-Yow." as the stone bounces across the water. The monk explains to the man that this sacred pond says the names of your ancestors when a stone is skipped across it.
Amazed, the man asks to try, and is given a stone. He skips the stone and hears "Chim-Pan-Zee" as the stone skips. Furious, he asks if this is some cruel hoax they pull on foreigners. The monk sadly shakes his head no. Furious, the man lifts the largest boulder he could and heaves it into the water. It splashes with an almighty "BABOON!"
Buddhist Monk
So the buddhist pulls a gun out of his coat and the vendor says, "Whoa whoa whoa, what about inner peace?". The Buddhist responds "This is my inner piece".
A Buddhist monk turns to the Dalai Lama for an answer.
A Buddhist monk was pondering what is the difference between a woman and a pearl, but couldn't figure it out. He gave up and decided to ask the Dalai Lama.
"Hmm, interensting question, young grasshopper - said the Dalai Lama. I do not know, but if you give me three days to meditate on this, I might have something for you"
Three days pass, the monk returns and gets this answer:
"The difference, dear son, is that a woman threads only from the front, while a pearl threads from the front *and* from behind."
The monk, a bit embarassed, says: But, Master, I know of women who thread both from the front and behind.
"Ah, said the Dalai Lama, those are not women, dear pupil, but pearls."
(Works better in Bulgarian, but it was worth a try. Translation suggestions welcome.)
A priest, a rabbi and a Buddhist monk were talking
about how they paid themselves every week after the worshippers donated to the temple, church etc.
The Priest: I have a good method. I draw a circle on the ground, step in the middle and throw all the donated money up on the air. With the grace of God whatever falls in the circle is my salary and outside belongs to the church.
The monk: how interesting, I almost do the same thing. But I believe what falls within the circle belongs to the monastery and outside is mine.
The rabbi chimes in, oh my God, we all think alike. I do the same thing. I draw a circle, get in the middle of it and throw all the donations in the air. What stays up in the air belongs to the temple and what falls on the ground is mine!
Note: Before labeling me an anti-semite, be advised my uncle (an Orthodox Rabbi) is the one who told me this joke, which he was told 50+ years ago in Yeshiva.
A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Monk
A Catholic Priest, a Rabbi, and a Buddhist Monk go golfing. After a few holes they decide to get down to business. They're trying to figure out how much of their money they should donate to the church. How much should they tell their members to give?
After much debate the Catholic Priest says, "let's draw a circle around the cup and throw all of our money in the air. Whatever lands inside the circle, we'll give that percentage to God. It is his will.
The Buddhist monk says, "I like that idea but why don't we donate everything that lands outside the box instead?"
The Rabbi looks at both of them and says, "Why don't we throw the money in the air and let God keep what he wants?"
The Walk
I went to a mixed religion seminar.
The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!
I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!
I was less amused when I told him there was nothing wrong with me.
The Mullah came, took my hands and said, Insha Allah, you will walk today!
I snapped at him, There's nothing wrong with me
The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!
I rudely told him there was nothing wrong with me.
After the sermons, I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.
I, too, went to a mixed religion seminar...
...But in the hopes of learning more about charity. First I asked a Buddhist monk: "How do you decide what to give away and what to keep for yourself?" "Child's play", he said. "I draw a small circle in the ground, throw my money into the air, and what falls outside of the circle I give to Buddha". Next I asked a catholic priest. "Easy my son", he told me. "All I do is draw a small circle in earth, throw my money to the heavens, and what falls into the circle I give to God". Finally, I asked a Rabbi. "Simple!" he answered. "I throw my money into the air and what god wants, he takes!"
I heard about Buddhist monks who lit themselves on fire to protest prosucution
Certainly one way to reach enlightenment
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
China and Russia are having a friendly discussion...
Russia: "I bet you couldn't kill that group of Buddhist monks over there"
China: "Do you want Tibet?"
A man seeks enlightenment as a Buddhist monk
So he joins a Tibetan monastry and takes a vow of silence whereby he is only permitted to say two words every five years.
After five years he appears before the elders and they ask him what he wishes to say. He says, "Food's cold."
Ten years later he appears before them again. The elders ask him what he wishes to say and he says, "Bed's hard."
After fifteen years he appears before them again. When asked for his two words, he says, "I'm leaving."
"About time," says the head monk, "All you've done since you arrived is complain!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you get if you cross a Buddhist monk and a 16 year old blonde cheerleader?
Arrested for procurement of a minor. Trust me on this one.
A buddhist goes to a hot dog stand and says...
"Make me one with everything."
When the guy hands him his hot dog, the monk pays and asks for his change.
The vendor replies, "Change comes from within."
Then the monk gets angry and pulls out his gun.
The vendor clamors "Whoa, whoa! What about inner peace?"
And the monk replies "this IS my inner piece."
Suddenly a bystander calls out. "I've called the cops! They'll be here any minute!"
The vendor, expecting the monk to flee the scene, is quite surprised to see that the monk makes no motion to leave, even as the sounds of police sirens fill the street.
"Aren't you going to run away?" he asks.
The monk shakes his head and replies, "Namaste."
Praise the Lord and pass me my walking shoes
The preacher laid his hands on my head and said, Praise Jesus, today you will walk!
"But... but I'm not paralyzed."
The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!
The Mullah came, took my hands and said, Insha Allah, you will walk today!
The Hindu sadhu came and said "Beta, you will walk on your legs today."
The Buddhist Monk came, held my hands and said, By the will of The Great Buddha, you will walk today!
I stepped outside and found my car had been stolen.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A monk had s**... with a practically decomposed corpse.
It was considered a grave offense.
(True story in the Buddhist "Book Of Discipline volume 1")
One day the fence around a man's backyard broke down, so he searched for someone to help him fix his fence.
As he was at the hardware store looking to ask someone for help, a Buddhist monk came up to him and asked him what he needed.
My backyard fence broke down, so I'm looking for someone to help me fix it, the man replied.
The monk offered to help him for free. What an offer! The man couldn't turn him down.
So they went to the man's house to fix his fence. After they were done, the man asked him why he wanted to fix people's fences for free.
As the monk was about to answer, the whole fence came crashing down. The monk then exclaimed,
Argh! This is a shitpost!
How many Buddhist monks does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one. But its a long process where the monk keeps telling the bulb that change must first come from within, until the bulb attains enlightenment.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A priest, a rabbi and a buddhist monk get arrested for i**... gaming
They get in front of the judge. He starts questioning the priest first.
„Did you play poker yesterday?
The priest mumbles a quick lord forgive me and answered „No .
The judge turns to the rabbi and asks him:
„Did you play poker yesterday?
The rabbi crosses his fingers behind his back and answers a clear „No .
Finally the judge turns to the buddhist monk and tells him:
„So you are a buddhist monk, I know for a fact that you are absolutely not allowed to lie to me. Did you play poker yesterday?
The monk looks at the priest, then at the rabbi. He smiles at the judge and asks
„How could I possibly play poker all by myself?
Double punchline Buddhist joke.
A Buddhist monk is walking through New York and sees a hot dog cart, he walks up and the vendor asks him what he wants. The monk replies:
Make me one with everything.
The vendor obliges and after handing over the hot dog tells him his total is $3.50. The monk gets out $5 and hands it over, the vendor pockets the money and motions for the next customer; the Buddhist asks why he hasn't gotten any change.
Change must come from within. Replies the vendor.
Somebody may have posted these punchlines before but I doubt ever together, besides; that was zen, this is tao.
A Submarine Captain is walking down the street...
... when he sees a Buddhist monk fixing a fence.
"Hey mister, I'm having some trouble running my submarine. None of my crew like me. You're a wise man, what would you suggest?" asked the Captain.
"Make sure to switch everybody's positions very often" said the monk.
"Why?" said the Captain.
The monk replied "You'd be surprised at the amount of karma you get from reposting."
A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."
After a brief chuckle, the vendor makes the hot dog and gives it to the monk, saying "That will be $4 please". After the monk hands over a $10 bill, he finds himself waiting uncomfortably while the vendor does nothing except stare back at him.
Awkwardly the monk asks "What about my change?" "Ah," replies the hot dog vendor, "Change must come from within."