Brush Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

You can tell the toothbrush was invented in Alabama

if it was invented anywhere else, it would've been called the teeth brush.

Why does Donkey Kong brush his teeth?

To prevent tooth DK.

Did you know the toothbrush was invented in West Virginia?

Anywhere else and it would have been called a teeth brush.

I bought a toilet brush since I saw one in pretty much everyone's bathroom...

but after giving it a try for a week I decided to go back to using toilet paper.

If you get pulled over and you have some Coke in your car, you're likely to get arrested.

However, if you get pulled over and you have some Pepsi in your car, you're likely to make a new friend.

Remember to always brush your seatbelts, buckle your teeth, and drink Pepsi.ยฎ๏ธ

A boy asks his mom, When I grow up will I have two penises like daddy?

Mom: Daddy doesn't have two penises son

Son: Sure he does! He has the little one he uses to pee and the big one he uses to brush the babysitter's teeth!

I used to brag to my grandson about how many girls I picked up at Auschwitz.

He said it doesn't count since I used a dust pan and brush.

So a man gets a job working as a highway stripe painter

The foreman gives the guy a paint brush and a fat bucket of paint and tells the dood where to paint and off the guy goes.

End of the first day the newbie comes back and tells the foreman he did 10 miles. "Outstanding!" The foreman says.

Second day newbie comes back to the shop at the end of the day and tells the foreman he's done 4 miles. 'Not impressive.' The foreman thinks.

End of the third day the newbie tells his foreman he did one mile. The foreman has to ask, "The first day you did 10 miles, the second day you did 4, and today you only accomplished one measly mile? What gives?"

"Well," The newbie says, "Every day the paint can gets farther and farther away.

The toilet brush

A man walks into a store looking for a toilet brush. The store owner shows him a variety of brushes at various pricepoints. The man thinks for a little while, then buys the cheapest one.

The next day the man is back at the store. "Were you unhappy with your purchase?" asks the shopkeeper. "We have other models that might work better."

The man agrees and buys a little more expensive one.

The next day the man is back yet again. The shopkeeper, visually puzzled on how a toilet brush can be such a big deal, asks "What's the matter, didn't like the new one either?"

"Well" replies the man. "To be honest it *was* pretty effective. But I gotta say, I prefer toilet paper!"

TIL the tooth brush was invented in Kentucky...

Anywhere else and it would be called a teeth brush.

Contagious

"Right class," said the teacher. "Who can make a sentence with the word 'contagious'?"

Little Johnny threw up his hand excitedly.

"Yes, Johnny?"

"My dad saw our neighbour painting his fence with a little brush, and said, 'Blimey, that'll take the contageous!'"

Running from a bear...

A hiker surprises a large Grizzly in the woods. The Bruin gives chase and as the man crashed blindly through the brush, he suddenly finds himself standing on a precipice overlooking a deep canyon. The bear is nearly upon him when the man in desperation shouts to the heavens, "Lord, give this bear some religion!" At that moment the bear drops to his knees in earnest prayer, "Our heavenly Father, Thank you for this meal I'm about to receive..."

Teacher: "OK Sarah, what's your sentence with contagious?"

Student: "Our neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush and my dad said it will take the contagious."

How is parsley and pubic hair alike?

You just brush them off to the side and keep eating

The wire brush

One of the few genuinely funny jokes I know that I originally learned in English:

During World War I, a British general is visiting an Army hospital. He shakes the hand of one soldier, who is lying in bed.

"What's wrong with you, son?"

"Gonorrhea, Sir!"

"What is the treatment for gonorrhea in the British Army?"

"The wire brush, Sir!"

"What is your fondest desire?"

"To recover and to serve the King and the country, Sir!"

The general then turns to another soldier.

"What's wrong with you, son?"

"Hemorrhoids, Sir!"

"What is the treatment for hemorrhoids in the British Army?"

"The wire brush, Sir!"

"What is your fondest desire?"

"To recover and to serve the King and the country, Sir!"

The general then turns to a third soldier.

"What's wrong with you, son?"

(softly) "Laryngitis, Sir!"

"What is the treatment for laryngitis in the British Army?"

(softly) "The wire brush, Sir!"

"I see that you have difficulty speaking. Is it true that your fondest desire is to recover and to serve the King and the country?"

(softly) "Nay, Sir. It is to grab the wire brush before the others, Sir."

Ghandi spent a lot of time fasting in his life, which made him thin and frail. He chose not to wear shoes often, so when he walked, he toughened up his feet. Rarely did he brush his teeth.

That makes him a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Did I tell you about the time I was nearly killed with a broom?

It was a brush with death.

Why do protesters refuse to brush their teeth?

Because plaque lives matter.

A man is sentenced to 15 years in prison, but escapes after only 3 days

He's taken in front of a judge, who orders the prisoner to explain his actions. The prisoner says "Well your honor, the first day, they gave me a comb, then shaved off all my hair. The second day, they gave me a tooth brush, then pulled out all my teeth. The third day, they gave me a jock strap, I went over the wall". "Case dismissed" declares the judge

Anything you want.

Bob is to the point where he's feeling good, but still a beer or so away from drunk. As he's contemplating his navel, a young woman sidles up next to him and starts blowing into his ear. At first he's taken aback, and tries to brush her away. But then he takes a good look at her and realizes she is the most beautiful women he's seen in quite a long while. "What'cha blowin' in my ear for, young miss?" "Just trying to get your attention, good sir" she whispers. "What'cha want?" "I want to do something for you" she says, in a VERY sexy voice. "Oh really?" he replies. "Oh yes" she says. "Anything at all?" he asks. "Anything at all, any fantasy you can think of" she replies. "And it'll only cost you $100". And then she quickly goes on to add "But you have to tell me in three words or less". "$100 you say. And anything at all?" "That's right, anything at all.". So he ponders a minute or so, and then three distinct words issue forth from his mouth "Paint... my... house."

A homeless man knocks on a woman's door, looking for help...

"Think you could spare a few bucks? maybe some food?"

The woman thinks to herself for a few seconds, then says,

"You could do some handy work around here, I'd be glad to give you $30 if you paint my porch. There's some green paint and a brush right around the corner there, have at it."

He thanks her, and heads towards the bucket. She returns inside and resumes her knitting. After about an hour, she gets up to check on his progress, and sees no man, or a freshly painted porch. Just then, she hears a knocking again at her door, and goes to open it.

She is greeted by the same man, green paint splattered on his clothes and in his beard, a wide grin on his face.

"All done ma'am. and by the way, it's a Cadillac, not a Porche."

I just had a brush with Death

Is it weird to name your toothbrush?

THE ARMY HOSPITAL

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphilis, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic piles, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, Sir."
"Good man." says the Major.
He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
"What's your ambition?"
"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

An Old Man and His Lake

An old man went down to his lake to clear brush from a recent storm. When he arrived he found 8 beautiful women skinny dipping in the water. Seeing him the women yelled "you get out of here old man. We're staying under the water until you're long gone so you don't see a thing." Quickly the old man replied "I apologize ladies. I'm not here to spy on you. I just came to feed the alligators."

How do you know a redneck invented the tooth brush?

We would have called it a teeth brush

Little Johnny and two penises.

Little Johnny went to school and the teacher was teaching human anatomy. She pointed to the private part of a male and asked her class if anyone knew what it was.

Little Johnny raised his hand: "I do, I do! and my daddy has two of them!" Teacher was puzzled.

"My daddy has a small one to pee with and a long one to brush my mom's teeth with!"

How to tell someone they have a bad breath nicely ?

"Oh boy I am bored lets brush our teeth"

The Door Prize

Olie went to the neighborhood dance, and he won the big door prize. It was a toilet brush. So he took it home.

A few days later some friends of Olie asked him "Hey Olie how is that toilet brush working out for ya."

Olie said "Oh it works real good but I prefer toilet paper."

A cowboy walks into a bar...

A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink, as a woman comes in and sits next to him. After a few minutes, she asks "Are you a real cowboy?". "Well, I work on a barn, watch my cattle and fix the fences, I guess I'm a real cowboy."

The woman says "Hm, I'm a lesbian. I think of women the whole day. When I get up, when I brush my teeth, when I go to work and when I go to bed. I can't stop thinking of women."

An hour later, the lesbian left already, a couple sits next to the cowboy. The wife turns to the cowboy and asks "So are you a real cowboy?"
And the cowboy replies "Well I thought I was, but it seems like I'm a lesbian."

*Source:* Plato and a Platypus walk into a bar...

My mom was always obsessed with dental hygiene...

...she would always take her electric toothbrush to bed and brush her teeth all night!

A man has been unemployed for a long time...

finally, with the release of Stephen King's remade 'It', he gets a job posting huge billboards around the city. After some weeks however the movie was slumping, so in a desperate effort for publicity, the advertisers sent the man back out with crimson paint and a paint brush and told to give all the clowns a 'bleeding face' effect.
Mid-job, covered in paint, and late into the evening, the police spot him and surround him with guns drawn.
"No, No" he screams, "you don't understand! I'm a red It poster!"

What's do broccoli and pubic hair have in common?

You brush them both aside and keep on eating.

A brunette, redhead, and blonde are all trapped on a deserted island.

They come across a lamp half buried in the sand, brush it off, and upon rubbing it, a genie comes out.

"I will grant you each one wish," exclaims the genie.

The brunette steps up, "I wish to be back home with my family."

"Very well," says the genie. He snaps his fingers and the brunette disappears.

The redhead agrees, "I, too, wish to be back home with my family."

The genie nods, and snaps his fingers.

This leaves the blonde.

The genie turns to her and waits.

The blonde cries, "Well I'm all alone now.. I wish for my friends back!"

An old man's brush with death

An old man who was recovering from a near fatal heart attack was sitting in a hospital bed with his family at his side. The old man's son cautiously asked, " Did you see. . . the light, Dad?" His father replied, "Why, yes I most certainty did!" Everyone in the room gasped and eagerly stared at the old man to tell more of his experience. His son asked " What did you see, Dad, did you see God?" to which his father replied, " There I was son, being carried to heaven by two. . . . two people." His son blurts out, "Who were these people!" The old man looks up towards the sky and closes his eyes, " It was Jesus and Muhammad, they carried me and told me I was going to be okay th..." The nurse in the room bursts out with laughter, which immediately offends the old man's family. The son stands up and says " Who do you think you are laughing at my father during his most spiritual moment!" The nurse says, " Excuse me for laughing but Jesus and Muhammad are two of our ambulance drivers."

Why did Princess Leia take so long to find her hair brush?

She kept looking for it in Alderaan places.

I've been getting anonymous texts from someone telling me to shower, comb my hair & brush my teeth.

I think they may be trying to groom me.

A teacher asks his students to make a sentence with the word "contagious"...

...Sally answers, "Viruses are contagious."

"Very good Sally. Anybody else?", the teacher says.

Ben puts up his hand, "When I hear someone laugh, I like to laugh as well, because laughter is contagious".

"Thankyou Ben, that was a good example", replies the teacher.

Then Timmy puts up his hand. "Yes Timmy", asks the teacher.

"My neighbour was painting the outside of his house with a two inch brush, and my Dad said that it would take the contagious."

NSFW During a Linguistics lecture today, the teacher demonstrated how nouns can be turned into verbs;

for example "a brush is used to brush some one". My teacher gazed around the class, asking us for another example.

In retrospect, I don't think she liked the word "fist".

Paint it green

A young man shows up for a job at a large house and knocks on the front door. The owner opens the door and gives the young man a gallon of green paint and a brush and tells him to go out back and paint the "porch green." After a few hours the young man comes back and knocks on the front door. The owner opens the door and the young man says, "Sir, I'm done paintin', but that aint no porch you got out back, it's a Ferrari."

A Polish guy bought a toilet brush..

three days later he went back to paper..

I call my toothpaste "Death"....

....then I tell women, "I had a brush with Death this morning."

Just recently I have bought a toilet brush.

Didn't like it and switched back to toilet paper.

So I was brushing up on Egyptian history the other day...

and I was reading about King Tut. Apparently he suffered from IBS, which caused him to pass the most ungodly smelling gas (reminiscent of rotting animal carcasses seasoned with rotted potatoes). Due to this, it was hard to find servants willing to happily serve him, but one day, Tut's parents encountered a servant who suffered from the same condition and was used to the smell, so he was more than happy to serve the future Pharaoh. From that day forward, the Servant and Tut were always together, both excreting the foul stench from their derrieres. Most people agreed that they had a Tutankhamen.

The Wire Brush

An Army officerย decides to inspect soldiers recovering in one of the field hospitals he commands.ย He marches into one of the tents, goes up to the first private he sees and barks, "What's your affliction, private?"ย 

Standing at attention, "Venereal warts, SIR!"

He then asks, "And what treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush every day, SIR!"

Finally he asks, "And what's your ambition, soldier?"

"To get back to the frontline, SIR!"

He goes up to the next private, "What's your affliction, private?"ย 

"Chronic piles, SIR!"

"And what treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush every day, SIR!"

"And what's your ambition, soldier?"

"To get back to the frontline, SIR!"

On it went until the officer had nearly made it through the whole ward. ย He goes up to the last private, looking like he may die at any moment.

Taking it down a notch, "What's your affliction, son?"ย 

"Gingivitis, sir."

"And what treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush every day, sir."

"And what's your ambition, soldier?"

"TO GET THE WIRE BRUSH BEFORE THOSE OTHER GUYS, SIR!!"

I couldn't tell if I brushed my teeth with tooth paste or shamoo last night

I hope it was the former, not the lather.

I hate having to brush my teeth in the morning.

I must be the only person in the world with hairy teeth.

Why couldn't the bee brush its hair?

Because it had honey in it's comb.

A Chinese calligraphy artist passed out after finishing the first brush...

People said that he had one nasty stroke.

I bought a toilet brush a few days ago.

My arsehole's red raw, I'm going back to toilet paper.

Why did the dentist and the orthodontist get into a fight?

They couldn't brush away their differences.

I felt a toe brush against me whilst I was out swimming in the lake

I thought 'something must be afoot'

Start taking dental hygiene seriously at a young age

It's nothing to brush off lightly

Tell the class something interesting about your family.

During class, the teacher wanted the students to say something interesting about their family.

Johnny decided to go first and said: '' My father has two penises ''. The teacher knew that was impossible and asked Johnny to elaborate.

Johnny then said: '' He has a small one he uses to pee and a large one he uses to brush mommy's mouth with! ''

Christmas Day accident

Grandpa woke up unusually early yesterday to celebrate Christmas with the family. He was half asleep still when went to the restroom to brush his teeth. In the early morning brain fog, he accidentally got his Polident mixed up with his Preparation H.

His gums aren't itching, but now, he can't get his underwear off!

So this guy is eating out his wife...

So this guy is eating out his wife 69 style. Everything is going great until he realizes the time.

G: ''Fuck, I'm gonna be late to the dentist!''

So the couple stops immediately and the guy heads to the bathroom to brush his teeth thouroughly.

The guy arrives at the dentist and the dentist begins doing his thing.

After about 15 minutes or so, the dentist starts giggling.

D: ''You were eating out someone earlier weren't you... 69 style?''

The guy quickly checks his breath and it smells minty fresh.

G: ''WHAT!? How did you know! You even got the position right!''

D: ''Because your forehead smells like ass''

What kind of tooth brush does a Mexican New Yorker use?

Orale-B

A very old couple is getting ready for bed

The man goes to the bathroom. His wife asks him: "What are you doing?". He replied: "Brushing my teeth". She asks him: "Can you please brush mine too?"


Sorry grandma!!

How do you pick up a jew?

Dust pan and brush

Most people don't clean their teeth properly

They just brush past them

What does a dentist-in-training do before an oral exam?

They brush up.

What does a gorilla brush his teeth with?

A toothbrush.

You better brush your teeth everyday...

Oral-B very mad!

What did the head say to the brush?

Comb over hair.

My thanks to my niece who made this up. She is seven. Pretty good imo.

Why did the chemist wear gloves to brush his teeth?

His mouth was 4 molar

Post your favorite nerd chem jokes!

What's the difference between a crocodile and a toothbrush?

You can't brush your teeth with a crocodile.

A guy looking for work

A guy goes door to door looking for work. One homeowner hands him a brush and a can of paint and offers him $150 to paint his porch.

A few hours later, the guy comes back to the homeowner and says, I'm finished. But you should know that your car's a Ferrari, not a Porsche.

I need to brush up on my geography.

The box my new TV came in said "Built In Antenna." I have no idea where Antenna is.

Georgia and Alabama hate each other

Really we have very similar jokes for each other. In Georgia we say that we know the tooth brush was invented in Alabama because if it was invented anywhere else it'd be called a teeth brush. In Alabama they say that we sure have some strange uses for those grout cleaners.

What does the Night's King brush his teeth with?

Wightening toothpaste.

Bubba and Jeff are walking through the brush

Bubba and Jeff are taking a walk through the brush sipping their Lone Stars. Jeff says "Hey Bubba, I got a take a leak", and he does. A rattlesnake pops up and bites Jeff on his member .... OUCH!

Jeff is rolling on the ground, and Bubba in a panic calls 911.
"911 What is your emergency?"
"My friend, He got bit by a rattlesnake, what do I do?"
"Stay calm sir .... It's necessary for you to suck on the wound to draw the poison out"
"What if I can't do that?:" asks Bubba
"Then your friend will die."

"BUBBA", moans Jeff, "what are they telling you on the phone?"
"Jeff", says Bubba, "you're going to die"

What are the funniest brush jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Brush? Well, here are the best Brush puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Brush pick up lines to share with friends.

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