Brought Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Brought jokes. Read brought mountaineer jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) that will make you laugh out loud.

Enjoy this list of puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these brought mfw puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Ridiculous Brought Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter

A m**... was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the m**... if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips."
 

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son"

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight...

After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be t**... and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

My girlfriend brought 50,000 bees and put them in our back yard.

She's a keeper.

My butcher introduced me to his wife the other day...

He brought her out and said,

"meet patty"

Lucky Numbers

There was this man by the name of Mr Five.

His lucky number was, not surprisingly, 5.

He was 55 years old, ate 5 times a day, always brought with him $55 in his wallet and always wore a shirt with 5 pockets.

One day, he saw a horse by the name of Lucky Five was racing.

He bet $5555.55 on the horse.

After 5 hours the results are out.

Sure enough the horse comes in fifth.

f**...

Emily died last week after she fell in the lake.

It's a shame she never learned how to swim.

We brought a life preserver to her f**....

It's what she would have wanted.

Brought joke, f**...

A husband sends a text to his wife.

Honey, I got hit by a car outside of the office. Tina brought me to the hospital. They have been taking tests and doing x-rays. The blow to my head is very strong, may be serious. Also, I have 3 broken ribs, a broken arm, a compound fracture on my left leg and they may have to amputate the right foot.

Wife's Response:
Who is Tina?

A Greek and a Italian are having a beer.

The Greek Says
"You know, we invented s**...."
Then the Italian turn's and looks at him.
"Well we brought women into it."

My wife told me she wanted the body of a stripper.

But she screamed when I brought her one.

Husband send a text to his wife

Husband's text:
>Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office.
Paula brought me to the Hospital.
Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays.
Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches.
I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility.
Love you.

Wife's response:
>Who's Paula?

You can explore brought gomer reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean brought gift dad jokes. There are also brought puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

A bear climbs a tree....

a bird sitting in the tree asks "Hey, Bear, why are you up in this tree?"

the bear says "I came up here to eat apples."

the bird says "But Bear, this isn't an apple tree. there are no apples up here."

the bear says "That's ok, I brought my own."

I just held the door open for an Asian guy. He said, "Sank you," so I punched him in the face.

I can't believe he brought up Pearl Harbor like that.

How do you know a homeless woman is menstruating?

If she's only wearing one sock.

(This joke brought to you courtesy the homeless guy outside my local 7-11.)

A teenager got his driver's license...

...and asked his father, who was a minister, if he could use his car.

The father said, "If you bring your grades up, study the Bible, and get a haircut, then you can use the car."

One month later, the teenager asked his father about using the car again. The father said, "Son, I'm proud of you. You have brought your grades up and studied the Bible every day. But you still haven't gotten a haircut!"

His son said, "Dad, in my studying of the Bible, I found that many great people had long hair. Samson had long hair. Moses, Noah, and John the Baptist had long hair. Even Jesus had long hair."

His father said, "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!"

An Australian man wakes up in the hospital...

... he says, "Doctor, was I brought here to die?"
The doctor replies, "No, you were brought here yester-die"

Brought joke, An Australian man wakes up in the hospital...

Guy wakes up to breakfast in bed...

his lunch is made, and he notices he's late for work. Frantically, he calls work, and they let him know that his wife already called to let them know he would be late.

He asks his son what happened that his mom was so happy. The son says "Dad, you came home drunk last night, and mom brought you to bed, and when she tried to take your shirt off, you said 'Get off me lady, I'm married!"

Had a house party last night

...and there's always one left over! Laid on the floor in the corner, still that drunk? He couldn't even stand! Asked him where he lived, then dragged him down the driveway to my car, his legs all over the place, picked him up, threw him inside, & took him home. Dragged him up to his house & knocked on his front door, "I've brought your son home."
His mother replied, "Where is his wheel chair?"

Three men brought four cigarettes onto a boat, but then realized they had no lighters or matches. What do they do?

Throw one cigarette off the boat and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

My German friend told me to pick him up dry wine.

I brought the bottle to his house and he said, "Thanks, where are the other two?"

So, I brought my girlfriend some flowers today...

she looked at me, sighed and said, "I guess I'll have to spread my legs now."

so I asked her, "why, don't you have a vase?"

hahahahaha

just kidding...

I don't have a girlfriend

I went to a party last night...

..and everyone was watching a movie on the TV. I being introverted, hadn't talked with anyone and was watching movie by myself. When the movie ended, everyone was debating on what to watch next.

I decided to put on the movie I had brought from home. It was pretty funny and had Jim Carrey in it.

Everyone really like it. People started talking to me and thanking me for the movie. No one cared who I was until I put on The Mask.

"I remember one time I brought my report card home and said 'Hey Dad, I got a B in Reading!"

He just said "That's a D, you idiot."

My wife asked why I brought a gun home

I told her it was in case the decepticons attacked. She said that's the silliest thing she's ever heard and that I didn't need a gun. My wife laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed. I shot the toaster.

I thought me and my girlfriend had something. She met my parents, brought me dinner and called me honey. Now suddenly...

She's just a "waitress" and she was just "doing her job".

Chris Cornell dies and goes to heaven

At the gate, St. Peter says, "because your beautiful voice and amazing talent brought happiness to so many people, we'll grant you one wish".

Chris thought about it for a moment and replied, "I'd like the world to be a kinder, better place".

So St. Peter killed Roger Ailes.

Brought joke, Chris Cornell dies and goes to heaven

Watching my wedding video in reverse brought tears to my eyes

I took off her wedding ring, returned her to her dad, and moonwalked my way out of the church.

A doctor and a programmer both like the same woman

Every day, the doctor brings her a flower, while the programmer brings her an apple.

Eventually, she chooses to go out with the programmer.

Outraged, the doctor asks the programmer why he brought her apples.

The programmer responded An Apple a day keeps the doctor away

You guys wanna hear a construction joke?

..... hold on I'm working on it.

(Brought to you by my 8 year old nephew)

A teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They were appalled by his leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos, and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," the mother said, "he doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mom," the daughter replied. "If he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 200 hours of community service?"

An very attractive woman took a seat next to me at a bar last night.

And brought it to a table of friends.

What is s**...?

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's s**...?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

A man is attending the Super Bowl, when he notices an empty seat.

Thinking this to be strange, the man asks the person sitting next to the empty seat if he knows who sits there. The guy replies: Well, I bought two tickets for my wife and I a long time ago, but she passed away. So the man asks: Couldn't you have brought someone else?

"They're all at the f**...."

Brought a girl home from a bar last night and after we went down on each other for a while I slipped on a c**.... Suddenly, she looked me dead in the eyes and demanded either forty more minutes of foreplay, or that I drop down and give her 100 pushups. When I asked why she said

"The idea is to provide you with a sense of pride and accomplishment for unlocking different holes."

An accused criminal is brought before a judge...

The judge says, "You stand accused of stealing five million dollars' worth of gold bars. How do you plead?"

"Not guilty, your honour."

"Bail is set at five million dollars." The judge slams his gavel down.

"Do you accept payment in gold?"

People say gambling ruins lives, but it brought our family closer.

We now live in a one bedroom unit.

I brought my dead girlfriend back to life by passionately kissing her neck

...I guess you could say I'm a neck-romancer

I found my boomerang with RAM glued to it

Man that thing brought back memories

What do you call an incredibly strong STD?

Herpules

(This joke has been brought to you by my 14 yr old son)

Dolphin joke...made it up myself today. :)

An aquarium guide brought a group of visitors around to see the dolphins, which were split up into two tanks. In the first tank the dolphins were all having fun, playing around with a beach ball. In the second tank the dolphins were training, working hard on a new trick. One of the visitors asked the guide, "So is this tank for the more serious dolphins?" The guide said, "Yes, for all intensive porpoises."

What soft and wrinkly but gets sharper when you use it?

Your brain! (This joke brought to you by one of my 2nd grade students. I told him it was so good I was going to put it on the internet.)

An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.

The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."

My wife always said that she wanted the body of an 18 year old...

... but she got really upset at me when I actually brought her one.

I challenged the number 1 to a fight. When 1 showed up, he brought 3, 5, 7 and 9.

The odds were against me.

A Jewish man and a Chinese man are in a bar. Suddenly, the Jewish man punches the Chinese man in the face.

"Ow! Why did you do that?" asks he Chinese man.

"That's for Pearl Harbor," says the Jewish man.

"But the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. I'm Chinese!" says the Chinese man.

"Chinese, Japanese, what's the difference?" asks the Jewish man.

So the Chinese man punches the Jewish man.

"Ow! What's that for?" asks the Jewish man.

"It's for the Titanic," says the Chinese man.

"What? That was an iceberg that brought down the Titanic!" says the Jewish man.

"Iceberg, Goldberg, what's the difference?"

This young lad gets in the elevator, I'm standing by the b**..., so he says "fifth floor mate?"

When we get there I say "There you go, son" and he says "Don't call me son! You're not my dad!"

And I say "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

Three men were about to be executed by the firing squad.

The first man was brought forward and before they could shoot him he yelled "avalanche"! The firing squad panicked and in the confusion, the man jumped over the wall and into freedom before the firing squad could regroup.

The second man thought what the first man did was clever and when he was brought forward for his execution, he yelled "earthquake"! Again, the firing squad panicked and the second man took advantage of it to jump over the wall and into freedom.

The third man thought he saw the pattern: yell a disaster and jump over the wall. When he was finally brought forward, with a smirk on his face he yelled "fire"!

I rescued a dog that belonged to a blacksmith.

As soon as I brought it home, it made a bolt for the door

I didn't realize how bigoted my family was until I brought my gay black boyfriend home

My parents were fairly upset but my wife was absolutely livid.

My ex-wife passed away so I went to the cemetery to honor her. I brought a 20 year old bottle of fine scotch and poured it over her grave

But first I filtered it through my kidneys.

Three men were on a boat. All together, they had four cigarettes; However, no one brought any matches.

They threw one cigarette overboard, which caused the whole boat to become a cigarette lighter.

A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. We're losing him! said a nurse.

Not on my watch! said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.

A Husband and Wife at Custody court

The judge looks sternly at the ex wife.


Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child?


Ex wife: I brought him into this world so I should have custody of him


Judge: that is a simple yet good reason.


Then the judge looks towards the Ex husband.


Judge: why do you think you deserve custody of the child, sir?


The ex husband thought long and hard about his response, after a brief moment of silence. He replies


Ex Husband: if I put money into a Pepsi machine and a Pepsi comes out. Is it mine or the machines?

I brought my girlfriend home to meet my family.

They criticized everything she did, mocked her heritage and gave her a psychiatric disorder.

I guess I shouldn't have insisted on the royal treatment.

So, a m**... and an Irishman are on a plane

They were seated next to each other on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the m**... if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely r**... by a dozen w**... than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

A drunkard was brought to court for dunkenis behavior

The Judge addressed the drunkard, "You have been brought here for drinking."

Drunkard, "Thank you very much your honour. Let's start."

All, present in the court, burst out laughing.

b**... the gavel, the Judge said, "Order."

Drunkard, "For me Whiskey with Soda please."

I think my wife is racist.

I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and now my wife isn't talking to me.

I think my family is racist



I brought my Asian girlfriend home for dinner and my wife and kids were very rude to her.

So I brought a world map and asked my wife to shoot a dart on it and wherever it lands, I will take her there for two weeks when pandemic ends.

It's her day 5 behind the fridge.

Today I brought home a record I found at Goodwill. It was called "Sounds Wasps Make"...

I put it on my record player and thought, "This doesn't sound anything like wasps!" Then I realized I was playing the bee side.

There are 4 quarters in the Superbowl

And that's why they brought out 50 Cent at halftime.

Why did Noah have so much difficulty fishing on the ark?

He only brought two worms.

My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later

I was impressed and asked: "Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?"

My daughter answered: "It's because of my friend's stutter."

Noah and the snakes

According to the Bible, Noah built an ark and brought a pair of each animals on board to survive a flood. When the ark ran aground Noah told the animals to go forth and multiply.

The snakes told Noah We can't multiply, we're adders.

Noah gathered some driftwood tree trunks and built a platform for the snakes. Even adders can multiply when given a log table.

You might have to be older than me to understand this. People on reddit who are older than me are rare, but they exist.

I got a lift to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son."

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

A man claiming he is Jesus is brought into a mental hospital...

He is asked, "Why do you think you are Jesus?"
He replies, "God told me so!"
Immediately, the patient behind him stands up and shouts, "No I didn't!"

What did Chuck Norris do when his parachute failed to open?

Brought it back for a refund.

Yo momma so fat, it wasn't the stork that brought her

It was the crane!

My wife told me over breakfast she dreamed I'd given her a diamond ring

"I wonder what it means," she said.

I smiled but said nothing and left for work.

That evening I brought her a small gift-wrapped package. Oh you should have seen how excited she was! Brought a tear to my eye.

She opened the present with trembling hands: a little book titled "How to interpret your dreams."

Have you heard the story of the two skunks named In and Out?

They lived in the forest with their mother skunk. And whenever In was in, Out was out. And whenever In was out, Out was in.

One day, when In was out and Out was in, mother skunk said to Out, "Out, I need you to go out and bring In in."

So Out went out and immediately brought In in.

And their mother asked, "My, that was fast! Out, how did you find In so quickly?"

And Out said, "It was easy. Instinct."

(a favorite of mine from when I was young that I recently re-discovered in an old joke book)

I threw a boomerang with some RAM attached to it

It really brought back memories

My local hospital brought in a priest to bless all the bags of IV saline…

…but they got in trouble for using God's name in vein.

A Yorkshireman takes his cat to the vets

He says: I've come to talk wi' thee about me cat.

The vet replies: is it a tom?

The Yorkshireman says: no, I've brought him here wi' me.

Why did the Native Americans hate spring?

Because April showers brought Mayflowers

Remember that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes that make girls laugh. Many of the brought laid puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When a joke goes too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke becomes inappropriate.

We suggest you to use only working brought moved piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and make them laugh.

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