brothel Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious brothel stories

What are the best brothel puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Brothel? Well here is a complete list of the top brothel jokes:

What do you call children born in whorehouses?

Brothel sprouts



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A man goes into a brothel

He says to the madam, "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house."

She says, "The worst...? For $100 you can have the *best* blow-job in the house!"

He says, "No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

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Man walks into a brothel...

...slaps down $500 on the counter, and tells the Madam that he wants the ugliest, nastiest, most toothless old broad she has, plus a rotten egg sandwich.

The Madam looks back at him, confused, and says "Sir, for this much money, you could have one of our most beautiful women and a steak dinner."

The man replies "I'm not horny, I'm homesick."

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Honest Guy

A truckie who has been out on the road for three weeks steps into a brothel outside Kalgoorlie.
He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, I want your ugliest woman and a burnt chop.!!
The Madam is astonished. 'But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a lovely three-course meal.
The truckie replies, 'I'm not horny . . . . ... I'm homesick.

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What do you call 4 sheep tied to a fence in Wales?

A Brothel :D

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I tried to go to the brothel today but there was a sign on the door

It said "Beat it, we're closed."

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A woman buys a talking parrot that belonged to a brothel house before.She takes the parrot home:

"Oh, new brothel, new dames...cooool ".After a while the daughters come home. The parrot:" Oh, new brothel, new hookers...cooool. "After a while husband comes home. The parrot: "oh, new brothel, new hookers, old friends...hello Bob."

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What do you call an entrance to a brothel?

Hodor.

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I asked God whether or not to open a brothel

He replied "build it and they will come".

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A small business.

"Hey Jim! Long time no see, how are you?"

*"I'm great John, thanks. I started a small business."*

"Really? In this financial climate? Pretty risky. What kind?"

*"A brothel actually"*

"Cool! What services do you offer?"

*"The usual. Blowjobs, handjobs, and anal."*

"What, no pussy?"

*"Well, as I said its a small business.... I'm a freelancer."*

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What do you call the babies born in a whorehouse?

Brothel sprouts.

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What song did the man who lived next door to a brothel sing on his way to work?

Hi ho, Hi ho, it's off to work I go!

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It's a boy!

"It's a boy!"

I shouted, as I ran from the Thai brothel.

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Yesterday's brothel joke reminded me of this.

So a broke dude goes to the brothel and approaches the bouncer. He tells the bouncer that he is very horny but all he has is $2.

The bouncer tells him that it's enough but he'd have to settle for the dead hooker on the third floor.

The man agrees.

After the deed, the bouncer asks him "how was it?"
"It wasn't bad at all" the man says "but for some reason she had a very runny nose."

"Oh, she must be full"

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After a hard and long night's wait, he finally broke down to his knees and began to cry "It's a boy! it's a boy!"

..he was too emotionally drained to leave the Thai brothel.

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Two Irishmen Open A Pub...

Two Irish men opened a pub in Dublin.


They're open for three weeks, and *no one* comes in, they haven't had a **single** customer.


Finally, one Irishman turns to the other and says, "I've been thinking about our problem. I think we should open a Brothel."


The second Irishman says, "Are you bloody mad? If we can't get them to drink beer, how in hell are we going to get them to drink broth?"

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What do you call the entrance to a brothel?

Hodor

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A man walks into a brothel...

and is approached by one of the whores. She greets him politely, asking, "What can I do you for?" to which the man replies, "Money."

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Sean and Seamus open a pub...

...but it's not very successful. In the first week they'd only gotten three customers.

By Saturday night and looking at an empty bar, Sean turns to Seamus and says, "See? I told you we should have opened a brothel."

Seamus says, "That's ridiculous. If they're not coming in for beer, they certainly wouldn't come in for broth!"

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What did Santa say when he went to a brothel?

Hoe hoe hoe!

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There are three men in a brothel. One is going downstairs, one is going upstairs and another is in a room. What are their ethnicities?

The man going downstairs is Finnish, the man going upstairs is Russian, and the man in the room is Himalayan.

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A boy and his dead frog.

One day, a twelve year old boy walks into a brothel, dragging a dead frog behind him. The Madam asks "Can I help you son?" to which he replies, "Yes I'd like a girl for the night."

She says "I'm afraid you are too young for one of my girls." So he gets out his wallet and gives her. To which she says "She'll be waiting for you up stairs."

The boy says "But she's got to have herpes."

The Madam replies "But all my girls are clean!" So out comes the wallet again and he gives her another. The Madam says "OK, she'll be ready for you in about 10 mins".

So he goes up the stairs dragging the dead frog. About 1/2 an hour later he comes down the stairs,with a big grin on his face, still dragging the dead frog. By now the Madam was just a touch curious so she asked him "Why did you come in here, dragging a dead frog and asking for a girl with herpes?".

"Well, it's like this", he says, "When I get home tonight I'll screw the baby-sitter and then she'll get herpes. Then when my parents get home dad will drive her home and on the way they'll stop and have sex, and he'll get herpes. Later when dad gets home mum and dad will make love and then she'll get herpes. And at about 9.30 tomorrow morning, when dad has gone to work, the milkman will come round, screw my mother and then he'll get herpes...

...AND HE'S THE BASTARD WHO KILLED MY FROG !!!

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A man walks into a brothel...

and says to the owner, "i'd like a girl please"
the owner replies "sorry mate, we've only got dead bodies today"
the man says "oh, ok then" and he's led to a room with a dead body on a bed and starts to go at it.
just as he is finishing the body starts to foam at the mouth and the man, scared shitless, screams "shes alive, shes alive!!!"
the owner comes running in and says, "oh, ill get you another one, this ones full"

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My 2nd Parrot joke!

A woman goes to a pet store and buys a parrot. Before she leaves the owner warns her that the Parrot had previously lived in a brothel and might have picked up some salty language. When she gets the bird home he looks around and says "New house."
She puts the bird down in the house and the parrot observes her for a moment before saying "New Madam."
The woman shrugs and thinks that it's not so bad.
Shortly after the woman's two daughters return from school and see the new pet. The Parrot looks at them and says "New girls."
Then her husband comes home from work and the parrot looks over at him and says: "Hi Bill."

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A guy walks into a brothel...

A guy walks into a brothel and exposes a rather small penis. He says to the madam "show me the women."
Madam: "Who do you think you're going to please with that thing?"
Guy: "Pfft, me."

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Koala bear and prostitute

This is the first dirty joke I ever learned.

A koala bear walks into a brothel picks out the best looking girl and heads upstairs with her.

While up there he eats her out like a madman doing things she's never even heard of.

After about an hour he gets up heads out the door.
The girl stops him and demands payment.

The bear doesn't understand. She has him look up prostitute in the dictionary, a person who trades sex for money. Still a little confused he asks what does it say about me.

Koala bear, an Australian native animal that eats bushes and leaves.

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Two midgets walk into a brothel.

Determined to get their freak on, they are put in rooms adjoining each other.

The first one walks in to find a beautiful woman naked and willing on the bed. He tries all night to get an erection but fails miserably, meanwhile hearing his mate in the next room going "1, 2, 3, urgh. 1, 2, 3, urgh".

Annoyed that his mate is getting it on in such great fashion, he gives up and goes to sleep.

In the morning he wakes up, leaves the room and bumps into his mate on the lobby. His mate asks him how his night was. "Oh it was terrible, I spent all night trying to get an erection and failed. What about you?" he replies "You think you had a bad night? I spent all night trying to get on the bed!"

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Three Irishman

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.

The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.

"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.

"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door,

Knocks, and goes inside.

"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"

They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi

When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.

"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.

"One of the girls must have died.

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It was Friday night, and Bob was horny as all get out . . .

The problem was he only had ten dollars on him and wouldn't get paid till next week. So he goes to a brothel and pleads with the madam, "Look I swear I'm good for it! I'll come back next week and pay double!" Finally, the madam took pity on him. She led him to a room and opened the door. Sitting on the bed was a duck. "There," she said. "For ten bucks, that's the best I can let you have." Well ordinarily Bob would have refused. But that night he was so horny he felt he had to screw something or else go insane. So he proceeded to screw the duck - not a very pleasant experience, but how can you complain for ten bucks?
Next week Bob got paid and headed straight for the brothel, looking to get an actual woman for his money this time. But the madam informed him that all her girls were busy at the moment, but he could sit in the waiting room until one was available. So he goes into the room where several other men watching two women having sex on the TV.
"Hey," says Bob, "this is pretty good!"
"You think this is good, you should have been here last Friday," said one of the men. "Last Friday they were showing some freak screwing a duck!"

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Little Johnny walks in to brothel dragging a dead frog behind him.

Little Johnny walks in to brothel dragging a dead frog behind him., he goes up to the madam sat behind the front desk and says "I need a whore"
"Im sorry" replies the madam "but you're too young."
Jonny slaps down 200 quid on the table.
"Hang on" the madam quickly says "I mite have someone for you"
"Ok but I need her to have syphilis!" states johnny.
... "Im sorry but all our girls are clean"
Again Johnny puts 200 quid on table.
The madam remembers she does have a women with syphilis. She gives Johnny directions, so of he pops dragging the dead frog behind him. Ten minutes later Johnny walks past front desk and thanks the madam.
"Hang on" shouts the madam "can I ask you a couple of questions?""Sure" says Johnny
"First, why did you want a women with syphilis and second why you dragging that dead frog round with you?"
"Well" answers Johnny "Ive shagged the whore and caught syphilis, Ill go home and shag the babysitter so she'll get syphilis, my Dad will take the babysitter home shag her and he'll get syphilis , Dad will come home and shag my mum she will get syphilis, then in the morning my mum will shag the milkman and hes the fucker that ran over my frog!"

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Just looking for a good time.

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

After a few beers they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers (Art and Gary) and whispers to her manager,
"Go up to the first bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk,
I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference."
The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says "you know, I think my girl was dead!"

"Dead? says his friend, "why would you say that?"

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the whole time I was loving her!"

His friend says "I think mine was a witch!"

"A witch?" says the first" "why the hell would say that?"

"Well " the first man replies "I was making love to her, kissing her neck and when I gave her a little bite
on the neck, she farted and flew out the window!"

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Two drunk men walked in to a brothels m (NSFW)

Two piss-drunk men visited a brothel. The madam takes a look at them and tells her manager: Go and put inflatable dolls in their bedrooms. These guys are too drunk to notice.

After finishing their act, on their way back.........
1st drunk: I think my girl was dead as she never made a noise or made a move. Upon this, the 2nd drunk says: Mine was worse....... I think she was a witch!!!

1st drunk: Why would you say that???

2nd drunk: Well i gave her a little love bite on her bum.....She farted in my face and flew out of the window!

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A woman walks into a pet store...

A woman walks into a pet store and sees a handsome bright red parrot. She asks the cashier how much the parrot is. The cashier says, "I'll sell it, but I should warn you, it was donated by a brothel, so it might have picked up some colorful language."

The woman says, "Oh, that's okay." She buys the parrot and takes it home. When she takes the towel off its cage, the parrot looks at her and says, "Awk. New madam. Hello madam."

A few hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters come home from school. The parrot looks at them and says, "Awk. New girls. Hello girls."

A couple hours after that, the woman's husband Phil comes home from work. The parrot looks at him and says, "Awk. Hi Phil."

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A man visits the doctor...

Man: "Doctor, my penis is red and burning like hell!"
Doc: "Well, do you have sex with your wife?"
Man: "Yes, we do it every day."
Doc: "And have you also got an affair with another women?"
Man: "Yes, we also make love every day."
Doc: "And how's it with prostitutes?"
Man: "I'm going to the brothel every day after work."
Doc: "Okay, then it's absolutely normal that your penis is red and burning."
Man: "Phew, thank god... I thought it would come from jacking off every day."

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How does a Game of Thrones character get into a brothel?

Through the ho-door.

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Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, 'Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't know the difference.'

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business.
As they are walking home the first man says, 'You know, I think my girl was dead!'
'Dead?' says his friend, 'Why do you say that?'
'Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.'

His friend says, 'Could be worse, I think mine was a witch.'

'A witch ??....Why the hell would you say that?'

'Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window......Took my teeth with her!!'

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A kinky guy goes into a brothel...

Walks up to the front desk and explains that he's got particular tastes, but he's prepared to pay extra.

The madame reassures him that all their girls are very well trained, and directs him to a room where she promises he will find everything he needs. If not, let the girl know and she can send down for more equipment.

Entering the room, there is a large rack of gear on one wall and a sumptuous bed upon which lounged a voluptuous young woman - he directed her first to don a full body rubber suit. He then selected a medium length whip from the rack, and told the girl to lie down.

Moving back to the door, he flicked the light on and off, intoning in a deep voice, "Lightning!"

He then cracked the whip several times, before chanting the word "Thunder!" The girl was quite bemused by this, then a little startled when he leapt up onto the bed, unzipped and started urinating all over her...

"Rain!" he droned sonorously, before bouncing back to the light switch, cracking the whip, and repeating his chant...

"Lightning, Thunder, Rain!"

This went on for some time, and eventually the girl got fed up, and asked, "well, are you going to fuck me?"

And he says, "what, in this weather?"

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The singing blowjob

A man is at work and here's his coworkers talking about their wild weekend. Apparently the local brothel has a new prospect who can sing while performing falacio. The man must see this so he goes to the brothel and asks for the service. The maiden agreed told him to go in the room put on a blindfold and not to take it off and sit down in and his escort would be in shortly. The escort comes in sees he is ready and starts doing her thing. The escort starts singing and he can't believe it and takes off his blindfold looks down and sees her trickery. The escort, embarrassed, puts on her eyepatch on and leaves.

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One Last Time

An old man goes to the brothel to feel good for the last time. the matron leads him to a young appetizing girl ready for anything.

"Dude, undress so we can get down to serious stuff!"

The man undresses and the girl takes his clothes and throws them out the window.

"What are you doing, girl??", screams the old man.

"Don't worry. We are going to do sex that until tomorrow you're gone lose so much weight and you wont need those clothes anymore." When the girl undresses the man takes her clothes and throws them out the window.

"What are you doing grandpa, is this the revenge!?"

"No, not at all, but until you'll turn me on, the fashion is going to change."

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Two men

Two men had been friends since elementary school. So for the younger man's 80th birthday, he took him to a fine brothel. The brothel was full, but the owner, not wanting to lose business, told them to go upstairs to their room and that he would return with girls later.
After the owner was sure that the men were fast asleep, he brought in two blow up dolls.
The next morning, the older man came out concerned. "What seemed to be the problem?" He asks.
"We'll, I think I killed her. She was cold and wasn't breathing.I'm outta here!" So the man leaves, and his friend comes down looking perplexed.
"How was your night?" Asked the owner.
"We'll, I bit her tit, then she farted and flew out the window!"

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Only 3 inch's

-A guy went to a brothel and he said for the first girl " I have 3 inch penis" .

-she said "Ew.. that gross".

-He went for another girl and said " I have 3 inch penis" .

-She looked disgusted and said "And you call yourself a man".

-He went for the last girl in the brothel and said " I have 3 inch penis" .

-The girl thought for moment and said "A girl gotta make a living..follow me to the bedroom"

-After while the girls heard screams of lust coming from the bedroom and the girl came out from the room totally exhausted and limping , One of them said "What the Fuck happened , he only have 3 inch penis" the girl replied "The Son of bitch measured it by the width ".

*This is a Egyptian Joke and I tried to translate literally "

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A man walks into a brothel...

So a man walks into a brothel. He's a little down on his luck and only has $5. He asks the woman at the front desk, "So what can I get with this?" and hands her the $5. She takes the money and says, "Second door on the left." The man goes to the room and sees a chicken on the bed. He's confused and searches the room for a woman. He fails to do so and looks at the chicken. "Well, I guess it's better than nothing." He proceeds to have sex with the chicken. Turns out it was the best he's ever had.

A week later he comes back with $1. "So, uhh, what can I get for this?" The woman at the front desk says, "First room on the left." He walks into the room and sees a bunch of guys crowded around a hole in the wall. He gets a chance to peek through and sees two sexy lesbians getting it on. "Man, they're really going at it," he says, "This is pretty crazy." One guy from the crowd says, "Oh that's nothing. You should have been here last week, there was a dude fucking a chicken."

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A Scotsman goes into a brothel

in Amsterdam one night and finds himself a nice-looking prostitute.

He asks her, 'How much dae ye charge for an hour?' '€100,' she replies.

So he asks, 'Okay, dae ye dae it Scottish style?' She says 'No!'

He then says 'I'll gie you €200 to dae it Scottish style'. She didn't even know what 'Scottish style' was, but again says, 'No',

He then offers her $300, but she declines his offer, so finally he says, 'Last chance. I'll gie ye €500 to go Scottish style wi' me!'

Finally she agrees, thinking, 'Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've been there and done that, had every kind of request from weirdos from every corner of the world. How bad could 'Scottish style; be?'

So she goes ahead and has sex with him, doing it in every kind of way and in every possible position. Finally, after several intense hours they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, 'That was really fantastic. I've never enjoyed it so much. But I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. Where does the 'Scottish style' come in?'

The Scotsman replies, 'I'll pay ye next week'

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Penguin NSFW

A man walks into a seedy brothel. "What can i get for 5 bucks"? he asks. "Not much," the madam replies. "but i suppose you might get a penguin." The man isn't sure what a "penguin" is but, being desperate, he hands over his cash. The madam takes him to a back room and tells him to drop his pants. A prostitute then comes in and starts to give him a fantastic blowjob. He's just about to blow his load when the prostitute gets up and leaves. The man waddles after her with his pants around his ankles. "Hey!" he shouts. "What the fuck is a penguin"?

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Dishonorable Discharge

A Marine gets into his dress uniform and goes to a brothel. The madam says to him "Hello there soldier, show me what you got".
The marine proceeds to drop his pants and says "watch this... TEN HUT!" and his unit becomes fully erect. He then says "at ease" and it drops. The madam is quite impressed and takes him into the parlor saying "You have got to show this to the other girls"
Arriving in the parlor with about 20 beautiful women in various stages of undress, the marine drops his pants again and says "TEN HUT". once again his manhood stands to attention "at ease" and once again it drop.
The girls start laughing and pointing "do it again, do it again"
Once again the marine says "TEN HUT" and the unit rises. "at ease"... nothing happens "AT EASE"... still rock hard "AT EASE GOD-DAMMIT" ... nothing. So the marine begins masturbating.
"What the fuck are you doing??" shout the women.
The marine replies "any soldier that doesn't follow orders deserves a dishonorable discharge."

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Man in a brothel. . . .

So there is this guy, who is rather horny but not in a relationship and in a rough place in his life. He goes to a brothel with about 10 bucks... He asks the woman at the counter, I know this isn't much but what can this get me? See replies follow me. She leads him down a hallway with 2 adjacent doors. She takes him to the first door, once he enters there is a table, a large mirror on the wall and a chicken. She explains he has 20 minutes. With nothing to lose he has sex with the chicken. Afterwords he realizes that was the best sex he has ever had. He decides to come back next week this time with 20 dollars. The woman at the front takes the man down the same hallway only this time he is allowed in the second door. He walks in and sees a large fat man masturbating. He is like what the hell? Then the fat man points to the window in his room (the mirror in the first room) and through it he finds 2 women having sex. He exclaims WOW this is awesome!!

To which the fat man replies; you should have been here last week, there was some guy doing it with a chicken

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A very lonely, poor man goes to a brothel.

He sheepishly asks for their cheapest prostitute, admitting that he doesn't have much money. "That's no problem," he's told, "go down the corridor to the door at the end." Following the instructions, he finds himself in a dark room with a girl already in bed waiting for him. He strips off and starts having sex with her, but she spits in his face. He's taken aback, but figuring she's cheap for a reason he carries on. She keeps spitting on him though, and after a few minutes he's had enough, leaves the room and complains to the madam. Apologising, she leans into her office and yells "Dave, the corpse is full."

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"

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Herpes

A little boy walks into a brothel dragging a dead frog behind him. He asks for a prostitute with herpes. The lady says "Ok, whatever turns you on" and takes him upstairs. On his way out the lady says "why did you want one with herpes?" the boy says "Well, if I shag her then I get herpes, I go home and shag the babysitter and she gets herpes, my dad comes home and shags the babysitter and he gets herpes, my mum comes home and shags my dad and she gets herpes, the milkman comes round and shags my mum - and THAT'S THE BASTARD THAT KILLED MY FROG!"

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In hard times, a young woman becomes a prostitute...

For obvious reasons, she tries to keep this hidden from her only relative, her old grandma.

One cold evening, the brothel that the prostitute works in is raided by police. All sex workers are forced to wait in a line outside to show identification and documents.

As luck would have it, nan was in this bad area in town saw her granddaughter in the queue. She asked "Why are you standing in line here dear, are you not cold?". Trying to think of a good alibi, the grand daughter told her that the policeman were handing out free oranges.
Excited by the prospects of free oranges, the old lady said "Why how awfully nice of them, I might get some myself" and went to the back of the line.

A policeman, going down the line for more information looks very suprised when he comes to the four foot eight female yoda. "Wow, how do you keep at it at your age?".

"Well darling, I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back, and suck them dry".

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CONCLUSION

You've red some of the best brothel jokes of all time. We hope you had fun with this collection of 50 puns about brothel. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise your chidlren not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty brothel gags to your kids. So please respect and be a good joking daddy !

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