Broken Hand Jokes

40 broken hand jokes and hilarious broken hand puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about broken hand that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

This is a collection of jokes about broken hands. If you have a broken hand, or know someone who does, then these jokes are for you!

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Funniest Broken Hand Short Jokes

Short broken hand jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The broken hand humour may include short missing hand jokes also.

  1. I asked my teenage son to pass me the phone book He laughed, called me a dinosaur and handed me his iPhone.

    So, the spider is dead. The iPhone is broken and my son is furious.
  2. A broken drum is the best gift for Christmas You just can't beat it.
    On the other hand, a wife would be the worst gift because you definitely can...
  3. Teacher: if you have 10 cookies and someone takes away half, what would they have? Dot : a broken hand.
    (Came across this one from Animaniacs recently)
  4. I have 10 cookies, you take one. What do you have now? A black eye, broken hand, and no cookie
  5. If you have ten cookies and someone takes half of them, what will they have? A broken hand.
  6. I was surprised to fail No Nut November this early and with a broken hand too. It's just hard to grip.
  7. A man with a broken hand says to doctor, "Will I be able to play guitar after the operation on my hand?" The doctor says, "Yes of course." "That's great! I never could before."
  8. I woke up from a car accident to find my hands broken I thought to myself "huh... strange"
  9. Today I asked my daughter for a phone book... She said "you're such a boomer" and handed me her phone.
    So, now, the spiders dead, my daughters phone is broken, and she's really p**... at me now..

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Broken Hand One Liners

Which broken hand one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with broken hand? I can suggest the ones about broken finger and broken arm.

  1. What do you call an Italian with two broken hands? Mute
  2. If I have 10 cookies and you take 5, what do you have? A broken hand.
  3. My friend handed me broken scissors... I told him this isn't going to cut it.
  4. (Original) Why should you keep a broken clock? It's just nice having an extra set of hands around.
  5. What did a teenager with 2 broken arms say to his mother? Look mom, no hands!
  6. Why were Jesus' hands nailed to the cross? *Because both of his arms were broken.*
  7. What does a Men's Rights activist call a broken hand? Celibacy.

Ridiculous Broken Hand Jokes to Spark Fun and Laughter

What funny jokes about broken hand you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean missing finger jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make broken hand pranks.

Does it hurt anymore?

A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs. Fell on the ground & rolled around in pain. She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor.
Reluctantly he agreed.
She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside.
She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great but I still think my thumb is broken"

A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby.

A woman playing Golf hit a man nearby. He put his hands together between his legs, fell on the ground & rolled around in pain.
She rushed to him & offered to relieve his pain as she was a Doctor. Reluctantly he agreed. She gently took his hands away. Unzipped his pants & put her hands inside. She massaged him tenderly for a few minutes & asked: "How does it feel?"
He replied: "Feels great, but I still think my thumb is broken"

A woman playing golf hits a nearby man...

She rushes over to the man who is on the ground, rolling around screaming in pain with his hands between his legs.
She profusely apologizes and offers to relieve his pain since she is a doctor and reluctantly he agrees. She gently moves his hands to his sides and unzips his pants and puts her hands inside. She massages him tenderly for a few minutes and asks: "How does it feel?"
He replies: "It feels great but I still think my thumb is broken".

A man's fence is broken and he neess to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.
He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to lose so he hires him.
Sure enough a few days later the monk shows up with a toolkit in hand, the man shows the monk that his fence has been ripped out of the ground and that he needs to replace it.
About an hour later the monk walks in and tells the man he is finished, and when the man goes outside he sees that the fence is perfect, thinking he can't just tell the monk to leave after doing such a great job for free he invites the monk inside for a cup of coffee.
The man then starts talking to the monk, "It surprised me to see a monk offering services for fence repair, why do you do it?" he asked
the monk replied "Religious reasons."
The man then says "I don't know much about Buddhism, why do you need to repair fences?"
"Because" the monk replied, "You would be surprised at the amount of karma you get for reposting."

Flying Blind

A Frenchman, Englishman, and an American are flying in an airplane on a cloudy, storming night when suddenly the plane is struck by lightning.
The pilot turns to his three passengers and says, "The plane's GPS is broken. I need each of you to stick your hand out the door, feel around, and tell me which city we are flying over judging by what you touch."
The Frenchman goes first. He opens the door, puts his hand outside of the door, and brings it in a minute later. "We're flying over Paris! I could feel the Eiffel Tower!"
The Englishman is next. He sticks his hand outside and draws it back in a minute later. "I just touched Big Ben! We are just over London!"
Finally, it is the American's turn. He shoves his hand outside the plane and brings it back in immediately. "We're flying over Detroit. I know because my watch just got stolen."

After experiencing weeks of pain, a man finally decides to go to the hospital...

The doctor says, "What seems to be the problem?"
The man replies, "It hurts here (touches his thigh), it hurts here (touches his wrist), it hurts here (touches his hip). It hurts everywhere!"
After a few seconds of examining the patient, the doctor realizes whats wrong with the man.
The doctor grabs his hand and says, "Sir, you have a broken finger."

Two men are walking side by side down the street

One of them sees a broken piece of mirror on the ground, grabs it, looks at it, and says, This guy looks so familiar, but I can't remember where I know him from. The other guy grabs it from his hand, takes a look at it, and says, It's me, you idiot!

My friend asked me if I could try my hand at fixing his broken clock

After tinkering with it for a bit, I handed it back to him.
"How will I know if it's fixed?" he asked.
To which I replied, "Time will tell."

I was at a garage sale yesterday

My wife saw a beautiful grandfather clock, but the guy told her it was beyond repair.
The little hand was broken, and it wouldn't move, so the clock was basically useless.
The guy said if we could fix it, we could take it home with us.
My wife kicked the clock, making the little hand start moving again.
Needless to say, the clock is hours.

One day a husband and wife decided...

They won't use the word "s**..." in front of their child anymore, instead they would use "type/typing" to denote that.
So, one day the husband was feeling some need so told his kid to ask her mother if she could type a letter for her. The kid asked his mother. She told him to tell his father that typewriter is broken now.
The day after that father told the kid to ask the same question. Mother replied, that the typewriter isn't in perfect condition.
Next day mom told the kid to tell his dad that the typewriter is perfect and the letter can be written now.
Father replied, that letter was very urgent, so he has already written it by hand instead !

3 POWs were together in a British War Camp.

There sat 2 Germans and an Italian. The British tourtured the first German and after many hours of screaming, the broken down German finally talked. Ashamed, he went back to the camp and told the other 2 prisoners to stay strong. The British begin to t**... the second German. He preserved through 3 days of pain and suffering, however he talks as well. Sent back to the camp, the Italian is taken to the t**... chamber. After weeks, the British realize that the Italian will die if he is pushed any further. After being brought back to the camp, the Germans asked him how he did it. The Italian replies, "how could I talk with my hands tied behind my back?"

Chinese vacationers

A Chinese family arrives in Los Angeles to begin their American vacation. They approach the currency exchange window to exchange 10,000 Chinese yuan. The agent gives them $1,600 and they go on their way. They enjoy their vacation but realize their American funds are depleting quickly. They return to the currency exchange a week later to exchange another 10,000 Yuan. This time the exchange agent hands over $1,400. The Chinese man asks in broken yet effective English why the exchanged amount is $200 less. The agent shrugs his shoulders and politely replies "Fluctuations". The Chinese man suddenly becomes enraged and replies "Fluck you Americans!"

A woman heads to the golf course...

A woman and a couple of her friends head out for 9 holes at their local golf course. None of them are particularly good at the game, so after a couple of drinks the woman ends up making a horrible shot and sends the ball shooting wildly across the course.
In her surprise she forgets to yell fore, and a moment later there's a howl from a gentleman on the cart path. His club bag is on the ground and he's got his hands between his legs as he swears loudly. The woman rushes over in a tizzy. "I'm so incredibly sorry! Let me make it up to you. You'll feel much better." "Really ma'am, you don't have to worry-" The man says, but the woman has already stooped to her knees, undone his belt and begun expertly fellating him. After a few minutes she looks up at him. "See? That must feel much better." The man says, "Well that was lovely. But I think my thumb is still broken..."

Stolen Wood

John was feeling guilty, so he went to church for a confession.
John: Forgive me Father, I have sinned. I stole some wood from a construction site.
The priest: Well what did you do with the lumber my son?
John: Well my sons wheelchair ramp was broken so I fixed it.
The priest: At least you did good with it.
John: Wait father, I had some wood left.
The priest: What did you do with it?
John: My dog was cold so I built him a house.
The priest: I guess you still did good with it.
John: Wait father, I had some wood left.
The priest: What did you do with it?
John: My car was cold, so I built it a two-car garage to keep it warm.
The priest: That is a little out of hand...
John: But father, I still had a little wood left. My wife had always wanted a bigger house, so I built a second floor for our house.
The priest: Whoa! That's way too much! You are going to have to make a Novena for penance. Do you know how to make a Novena?
John: No, but if you have the plans I have plenty of wood.

If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so.
Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it? Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone.
Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change.
Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a bar stool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.

Clock warehouse

A kid goes walking in the woods and stumbles a upon a warehouse. He goes inside the warehouse and there are hundreds of large grandfather clocks. After walking around a little he sees a wizard and he asks the wizard what the clocks are for. The wizard tells him that each clock is assigned to a different person, and whenever the person is m**... the hands of the clock move. They walk around some more and the kid sees a clock that is away from the rest of the clocks over by a window and its spinning fast. The boy asks the wizard if that clocks broken because its spinning so fast and isn't stopping. The wizard says no, the clocks fine, it's just assigned to your mother. We use it as a fan.


Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a f**... of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist, and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me,' she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position...still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel?'
'Feels great,' he replied, 'but I still think my thumb's broken!'

jokes about broken hand