Broke Jokes

What are some Broke jokes?

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back

A mormon was having an affair with a 15 year old girl who had lied about her age, when he learned the truth he broke it off and over the next few week guilt set in and he confessed to his wife. She screamed at him,

"How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".

"What are the broken condoms doing on the couch?!"

"Our children have names, Harold!"

What did Mario say to Peach when they broke up?

It's not you, it's a me a Mario!

My mom thinks I need to stop objectifying women, I think she is overreacting.

She asked why I broke up with the last girl and I said

"It didn't work out."

She told me to be more specific so I said

"I just told you, she didn't exercise."

Why did Elon Musk go broke?

Because his car insurance rates were astronomical.

I dated a girl in a wheelchair

She broke up with me because I kept pushing her around.

I said, "why don't you stand up for yourself?"

A robber broke into my house last night looking for money

So I woke up to look with him.

My girlfriend and I broke up today

Her: "I just need time."

Me: "Okay. Yeah, I understand."

Her: "And distance, as well."

Me: "Fine. But can I ask you one last question?"

Her: "Go ahead."

Me: "What are you calculating the velocity of, anyway?"

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"

He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."

I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."

He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

My girlfriend just admitted she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.

It might seem judgemental, but I have only known her since she was Christine.

What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?

It was given two consecutive sentences.

"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor...

"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.
"Screw you" she screamed back at me.

Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!

I broke my finger today...

But on the other hand I am completely fine.

Broke up with my girlfriend today

It's cool though, she said we can still be cousins.

A man went to visit his doctor because his arm is hurting.

"Doc, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.

"Hello, Doctor," says the arm. "Could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate!"

"Aha!'' says the doctor. ''I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

If I had $1 for every time I read a racist comment on the internet

I'd still be broke. Because I am black and can't read.

My wife broke up with me yesterday because I'm a compulsive gambler and ever since, all I can think about is...

...how to win her back.

Growing up, my dad said we should treat him like a god...

...so we pretty much ignored him until we were sick, hurt, or broke.

Yo mama so fat...

I pictured her in my head and broke my neck.

Someone broke into my house last night and stole my Limbo stick..

How low can you get?

My girlfriend just broke up with me for talking about video games too much...

What a stupid thing to Fallout 4.

How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to beat the room for being black and one to arrest the bulb for being broke.

I broke up with a Japanese girl last week...

It sucked, because I had to drop the bomb twice before she got the message.

My telescope broke the other day and I was hoping the local observatory could repair it

They said they'd look into it.

I am broken when my name is spoken. What am I?

McDonald's ice cream machine

My roommate's cellphone broke

He wants me to let you guys know he's vegan

I broke one of my fingers at work today.

On the other hand, everything is OK.

I don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym...

I guess we just weren't working out.

What happened when the escalator broke down?

Everyone stopped and staired! πŸ₯

A thief

A thief broke in to my house last night........He started searching my house for money so I woke up and searched with him.

An 18 y/o boy getting a BJ from and 80 y/o woman and a tightrope walker have the same thought...What is it?

Don't look down!


My Dad broke this one out this morning thought I would share.

My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I'm too 'controlling'.

Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.

My girlfriend broke up with me cause I stole her wheelchair

But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

I told my doctor that I recently broke my arm in two places.

He told me to stop going to those places.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

It's ok though, she always comes crawling back.

What do you call the drummer that just broke up with his girlfriend?

Homeless.

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday ..

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday because of my obsession.
She said, "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a Transformer. It's stupid. I've had enough and I'm leaving you."
I said, "But, Baby, I can change."
She said, "There you go again!"

I just broke up with my girlfriend who had a lazy eye.

Turns out she was seeing someone on the side.

I waved the waitress over to our table.

I said, "Could you get the bill for us?"

She said, "Absolutely."

I said, "Thanks. We're kind of broke."

When I was in the army, I broke my rifle and had to pay 600$.

I guess that's why the captain always goes down with the ship.

My sister sat on my glasses and broke them...

I suppose it's my fault for not taking them off first

How many LAPD officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They shoot the room for being black and beat up the bulb for being broke.

What did Mario tell his girlfriend when he broke up with her?

...It's not a you, it's a me, Mario!

I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend but she keeps calling me

Seems like I have to drop the bomb twice.

Thieves broke into my house and stole everything except my soap.

Dirty bastards.

So I broke my waterproof speaker, by throwing it into a pool.

I filed a request for a new speaker, but the company responded "it's not our fault the pool was empty".

My girlfriend broke up with me for stealing her wheelchair

But I'm not bothered, I know she'll come crawling back any day now

My girlfriend broke up with me because she said I was too mysterious

Or did she?

An ugly, broke, single man stood in my way

So I moved the mirror

I used to date my english teacher

but she broke up with me due to incorrect use of the colon

My friend told me that onions are the only food that makes you cry

So I broke his nose with a coconut.

I broke my finger yesterday...

... on the other hand, I'm okay.

I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places...

He said to stop going to those places.

My in-laws couldn't cope when their cat unexpectedly had 9 kittens, so my wife told me to put them in a sack and throw them in the river…

I did it but it broke my heart.

I quite liked her dad…

If I had a dollar for every time I read "OP is a racist"

I'd still be broke. Because I am black and can't read

If someone broke into my house and stole all the lights...

I'd be absolutely delighted

My brother just admitted that he broke my favourite lamp,

I'm not sure I'll be able look at him in the same light ever again.

I broke my finger last week.

On the other hand everything is fine.

I lost my watch at a party once...

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was sexually harassing some woman at that party. Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose. No one does that to a woman, not on my watch.

The best jokes also teach you something.

In 1954 John Stapp broke a huge record. Using a rocket powered sled that was going 632 mph, he came to a full stop in just over 1 second. He experienced 46.2 G's making his 168 pound body feel for an instant like it was 7,700 pounds and he STILL only felt half as fat as yo mamma.

I broke up with my girlfriend yesterday

**She said:** You'll never find someone like me.

**I said:** That's the point.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in 2 places today

He told me not to go back to those places

What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer broke?

I broke up with my girlfriend, who is an Optometrist

She meant well, but she was just too annoying in bed. She was always saying, "So, do you like it better like this.... or like this?"

I'm really annoyed, my wifes sister sat on my glasses and broke them!

to be fair, it was probably my fault for leaving them on

My girlfriend and I broke up because of a difference in religious beliefs.

She didn't believe I was God.

My wife saw her ex high school boyfriend, drunk in the street. She said he started drinking when she broke up with him after graduation decades ago. I said....

....Impressive. .. I've never seen anyone celebrate that long before.

Why aren't broken bones a problem in India?

Everyone is already in a caste

My mom told me that I objectify women.

When she asked me why I broke up with my last girlfriend I said "it didn't work out." She said "be more specific." I said "I just told you she didn't exercise."

Some girl texted me the space button on her phone is broke

She texted "thespacebuttononmyphoneisbrokencanyoupleasegivemeanalternative" Can someone please tell me what ternative means.

I came across a broken escalator the other day

All I could do was stair.

How many cops does it need to change a broken light bulb?

No idea, but they beat up the room for being black and the bulb for being broke

I broke up with my Thai girlfriend today.

She was a little bit too cocky for my taste.

I broke up with this cross eyed girl...

I thought she was seeing someone else.

Thieves broke into my house last night looking for money...

I quickly got up and started looking with em!

My girlfriend broke up with me because I'm obsessed with Linkin park

But in the end it doesn't even matter

So I came home from work yesterday ....

.......To find that someone broke into my apartment. Looking around, it seemed like they didn't really take a whole lot. My TV was still there, my PS4, and my legos were fine. But the apartment was dark, even when I tried to turn on the lights. Seems the only thing that was taken were my lightbulbs and a couple lamps...I was delighted.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I am extremely handsome and too many girls want me

She said something else about my chronic lying disorder but I wasn't really listening

My girlfriend broke up with me yesterday.

She said "she didn't see me enough", and I said, "well that's dumb, now you're never going to see me".

Did you hear about the robbers who broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats?

It happened last week and the cops still don't have anything to go on.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I don't last long in bed.

I told her, If you change your mind, call me. I'll come right away.

My Girlfriend broke up with me because I don't last long in bed...

I told her if she ever changes her mind, all she has to do is phone and I'll come straight away.

I had this friend named Leonardo. We called him Lee. Anyway, he didn't have alot of money. In fact, he was basically broke...

So one day he stole some bread because he was starving and couldn't buy food. He was caught and sentenced to death. It's really not that funny, but this joke was poor Lee executed.

Someone broke into the local police station and stole the toilet.

Right now the cops have nothing to go on.

I broke up with my girlfriend after she told me she was a communist.

In retrospect, I should have seen all the red flags

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places...

...My doctor told me to stay away from those places.

A redneck broke up with his girlfriend

it wasn't all that bad, she said they could still be cousins.

How to make Broke jokes?

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