broke Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious broke stories

What are the best Broke puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Broke? Well here is a complete list of Broke to have fun with:

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.


My girlfriend broke up with me so I took her wheelchair

Guess who came crawling back


A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants."
"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?"
"When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"


My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.


A mormon was having an affair with a 15 year old girl who had lied about her age, when he learned the truth he broke it off and over the next few week guilt set in and he confessed to his wife. She screamed at him,

"How could you cheat on me like that with an older woman!?!?!?".


"What are the broken condoms doing on the couch?!"

"Our children have names, Harold!"


I broke up with a Japanese girl last week...

It sucked, because I had to drop the bomb twice before she got the message.


My telescope broke the other day and I was hoping the local observatory could repair it

They said they'd look into it.


I don't know why I broke up with my girl at the gym...

I guess we just weren't working out.


My girlfriend broke up with me because she says I'm too 'controlling'.

Funny thing is, I don't remember giving her permission to speak.


A mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer

One day, a mechanical engineer, electrical engineer, chemical engineer, and computer engineer were driving down the street in the same car when it broke down.

The mechanical engineer said, I think a rod broke.

The chemical engineer said, The way it sputtered at the end, I think it's not getting enough gas.

The electrical engineer said, I think there was a spark and something's wrong with the electrical system.

All three turned to the computer engineer and said, What do you think?

The computer engineer said, I think we should all get out and then get back in.


God's Vacation

God decides he'd like to take a vacation. So he goes to St. Peter at the pearly gates and asks,

"Pete, I need a vacation, being God is fucking stressful. Where should I go?"

St. Peter says, "well Pluto has good skiing."

God shakes his head fervently and replies, "no way, I broke my leg there once."

Next, St. Peter suggests Jupiter - "there's an eons-long storm that could be fun."

God says, "no way, I almost got struck by lightning there last time"

So then, St. Peter suggests Earth - "you can do just about anything there."

God fires back, "Fuck that, Pete. I went there 2000 years ago, knocked up some Jewish chick and they're still fucking talking about it!"


I told my doctor that I recently broke my arm in two places.

He told me to stop going to those places.


Jesus is watching you.


Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.

He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened.

Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes," said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "Whats your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"Thats a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."


My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

It's ok though, she always comes crawling back.


Jesus is watching you

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard a voice....say, 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'I'm Moses.' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The same kind of people that would name their Rottweiler Jesus.'


What do you call the drummer that just broke up with his girlfriend?



A man stopped by to see his friend who recently broke both his legs.

After about an hour of conversation, Mike asks,
"Bill, would you mind running up stairs and grab my slippers for me? Stairs are a little difficult."
"Yea man. No problem."
As Bill is walking down the hallway upstairs he peeked through a door and sees Mike's gorgeous twin 18 yo daughters.
He opens the door and says,
"Your dad sent me up to have sex with you two."
With the look if disbelief on their faces, he says,
"Look, ill prove it to you".
He yells downstairs and says,
"Hey Mike. Both of them?"
Mike "Hell yea, both of them. What good is just one?!"


What did Mario tell his girlfriend when he broke up with her?

...It's not a you, it's a me, Mario!


I broke up with my Japanese girlfriend but she keeps calling me

Seems like I have to drop the bomb twice.


I broke my finger yesterday...

... on the other hand, I'm okay.


My math-oriented co-worker just broke this one out

A man stumbles upon a frog while walking home. While looking at the frog, it starts to speak to him.

"Hello!", it says, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful woman!"

The man smiles, puts the frog into his pocket and continues on his way. A few hours later, he hears the voice of the frog, and takes it out to see what it wants.

"Remember, If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful woman. I will stay the night with you!" The man smiles and puts it back into his pocket.

The next day, he hears the frog speaking again. He takes it out to see what it wants.

"If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful woman, and I will do absolutely anything you want!" The man smiles once more and puts the frog back into his pocket.

The frog sighs. He calls up to the man and says aloud, "I just don't understand. Why don't you want me to turn into a beautiful woman?"

"Because I'm an engineer, I don't have time for girlfriends", the man says. "But a talking frog is pretty damn cool."


The best jokes also teach you something.

In 1954 John Stapp broke a huge record. Using a rocket powered sled that was going 632 mph, he came to a full stop in just over 1 second. He experienced 46.2 G's making his 168 pound body feel for an instant like it was 7,700 pounds and he STILL only felt half as fat as yo mamma.


What did Stephen Hawking say when his computer broke?


I broke up with my girlfriend, who is an Optometrist

She meant well, but she was just too annoying in bed. She was always saying, "So, do you like it better like this.... or like this?"


I broke up with this cross eyed girl...

I thought she was seeing someone else.


A thief broke into my house last night.

He was searching for money, I woke up and started searching with him.


My Girlfriend broke up with me because I don't last long in bed...

I told her if she ever changes her mind, all she has to do is phone and I'll come straight away.


Someone broke into the local police station and stole the toilet.

Right now the cops have nothing to go on.


A thief broke into my house last night..

A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so i woke up and searched with him.


Is this her first child?

A man frantically calls 911 stating "my wife is pregnant, her water broke and her contractions are about one minute apart!"
The 911 operator asks "is this her first child?"
"No, you fucking idiot", the man angrily responds "this is her fucking husband!"


My girlfriend broke up with me because of my obsession

She said "I'm sick of it. You actually believe that you're a transformer".

I said "But baby, I can change".

She said "There you go again!"


I broke into a shoe store and tied the laces together on all the womens shoes.

Bitches be trippin.


Missing South Africa

In Toronto I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I miss South Africa."

So I broke the window, took the radio and left a note that read:
"I hope this helps."


A fight broke out at a wedding..

A fight broke out at a wedding the other day. The first officer on scene asked what happened. Paddy stepped forward and said "I am the best man and I was dancing with the bride then, all of a sudden, the groom storms over and kicked her in the fanny." "That must have hurt" said the officer. "Too right!" replied Paddy, ' He broke three of my fingers!":)


A banker broke up with his girlfriend...

He lost interest.


How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

They don't. They arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.


I broke up with my girlfriend by text last night, it went pretty ugly...

She got up from the couch, started beating me with her phone...

(credit to a Russian stand up comedian Alexander Sobolevsky, he does these neat one liners)


His Girlfriend just broke up with him.

After a long day at work he comes home to find more bad news. He walks in on his girlfriend packing her stuff in a backpack.

He asks "Honey I had a bad day at work please don't leave me"

She replies "You don't think I would have found out would you? People are telling me that you're a sick pedophile"

He angrily replies "OHHHH Big word coming from a 12 year old"

edit **thanks ctechastronomy


How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

None. First they beat the room for being black, then they arrest the light bulb for being broke.


Did any of you hear about that pedo music teacher?

The one who broke a G string while fingering A minor.


How many cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they'll just arrest the light for being broke and beat the room for being black.


My girlfriend broke up with me for my obsession with touching pasta.

I'm feeling cannelloni right now.


I broke my finger today

But on the other hand im fine


I broke my right arm today.

On the bright side, I can still masturbate. On the other hand, I can't.


Car broke down.

While driving to work one day, a man's car breaks down. He eases it over to the shoulder and gets out. He pops open the trunk and two naked men in trench coats hop out, walk a few feet behind the car and start opening and closing their coats.

Naturally, this causes a pileup, which brings out a number of police officers. The driver is flustered as officers question him. "My car broke down, so I pulled off to the side and put out my emergency flashers..."


I inherited some land recently and managed to buy 100 donkeys for £100...

...I planned on selling them one by one for a profit, but overnight some sick guy broke into my farm and cut all the donkeys tails off! Now I'm left with 100 donkeys with no tails, so I'm going to have to wholesale them!

(ask me why I have to wholesale them...)

Well I can't retail them can I?!


My girlfriend broke up with me because of my weird pasta touching fetish...

I'm feeling *cannelloni* right now...


How did the Virgin Mary know it was time to give birth to Jesus?

Her wine broke.


My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them.

It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.



You've read some of the best broke jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty broke gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these broke jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

Can I save Broke jokes? You can do this from the Joko Jokes iPhone app. It is available for free download from the Apple App Store. Like your favorite jokes so we can rank them by their likes count. Every thumb matters for Joko Jokes' rankings.

How to share a Broke joke? You are free to share every Broke joke found on, share it on Facebook, Twitter or by email and have fun with friends and family.