Broccoli Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Broccoli jokes. There are some broccoli asparagus jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these broccoli celery puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Gather Around for Fun Broccoli Jokes and Laughter with Friends

What's do broccoli and pubic hair have in common?

You brush them both aside and keep on eating.

What do you get when you mix a broccoli and a melon?

The saddest vegetable known to man: a melonccoli.

Ya know what the difference between broccoli and boogers is?

I don't eat broccoli.

A newlywed Asian couple are on the first night of their honeymoon and have saved it for marriage

The husband says to his wife, "What do you want to do? We can try anything you want."

The wife says, "I want 69."

The husband replies, "You want beef with broccoli?"

jokes about broccoli

So broccoli was having a conversation with some of his friends...

The broccoli said: "I look like a tree!"

The mushroom said: "I look like an umbrella!"

The walnut said: "I look like a brain!"

The banana said: "Can we please change the subject?"

A guy picks up a waitress at a Chinese restaurant...

A guy picks up an innocent, young waitress at a Chinese restaurant and after a night out gets her back to his place. After some fooling around he's ready for action and says, "How's about a little sixty-nine?" to which she replies, "You want broccoli with beef?!"

A guy walks into a drs office with a carrot in his ear..

..and a piece of broccoli up his nose. The Dr told him he isn't eating right.

Broccoli joke, A guy walks into a drs office with a carrot in his ear..

Mr. Smith's Unusual Depression

Doctors were dumbfounded when they couldn't figure out why Mr. Smith was so depressed. They interviewed him about how his day had gone, nothing seemed out of the ordinary, they asked him what he ate and he said he had a watermelon smoothie with broccoli salad for lunch.

Then they realized, he was melonccoli.

Doctor's Visit

A man goes to the doctor and complains he's not feeling well.

The doctor looks at him and notices he has a stick of celery up one nostril a carrot up the other and broccoli sticking out of his ears.

The doctor says " I know what's wrong,your not eating properly"!

My daughter can be so cruel...

Her: Hey dad, what is the difference between broccoli and boogers?

Me: I don't know, what?

Her (pointing at me): YOU, don't eat your broccoli!


A high class looking woman sat down next to me on the train. I took in a breath and asked aloud, 'What's that smell?'
She turned to me, looked down her nose and said, 'Chanel, 500 dollars an ounce." She turned away.
About 10 minutes later, I let out a silent fart. She turns to me and asks ,What's that smell?'
I say, "Broccoli, $1.49 a pound.'

You can explore broccoli choc reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean broccoli collard dad jokes. There are also broccoli puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

I asked my doctor how bad my breath is.

"You see that broccoli over there?" he pointed.

"Yes..." I replied.

"That was a cauliflower before you started talking."

What did the passenger broccoli say to the driver broccoli?


Who did E.coli call after it lost a fight in school?


"Why do you keep hogging the telephone line?"

-asked the Cauliflower to his wife.

"Broccoli", she replied.

I like cutting up broccoli because...

It makes me feel like a giant, wielding a tiny anime sword, cutting down tiny trees..

Broccoli joke, I like cutting up broccoli because...

What is the name of Bruce Lee's crippled brother?


A man marries a Chinese restaurant waitress...

On their wedding night, she says to him -

Bride: "Dear husband, I want to give you anything you want! Just name it!"

Groom: "Ooh, that's tough to chose. OK, I really want a sixty nine."

Bride (confused): "You want beef broccoli *now*?"

What do you call a dinosaur who only eats kale, broccoli, and cauliflower?

A cruciferous rex!

What happened to the guy after he tripped?

broccoli fell out of his pocket.

Eat Your Broccoli

Little Johnny is having dinner with his family. He's eating everything except broccoli. His dad notices it and says, "Johnny, if you eat your broccoli, your pee-pee will grow big." Suddenly, Mom turns around and gives Dad a big slap.

Dad: What was that for?

Mom: For not eating your broccoli.

What's the similarity between sodomy and broccoli?

Even with butter, children will still not like them

What did the Cabbage say to the broccoli that imprisoned them?

"Lettuce go!"

An Asian couple is in bed

And the husband, making an effort to spice things up, says "We do #69 now"!

And the wife says, "Why you want Beef and Broccoli"?

Why could the tomatoe outrun the broccoli?

Because he wasn't a vegetable.

BDSM is like broccoli.

If you're forced to do it as a child, you'll love it as an adult.

Broccoli joke, BDSM is like broccoli.

To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner: pizza or tacos .

They picked pizza.

So I made steamed broccoli because that's what we get after we are done voting.

Failures in Marketing. Exhibit: Choc-coli

The chocolate covered broccoli that is both *semi-nutritious* and *semi-delicious*.

A Broccoli, Mushroom, Walnut and a Banana are having a discussion

Broccoli: I look like a tree!

Mushroom: I look like an umbrella!

Walnut: I look like a brain!

Banana: You guys wanna talk about something else?

A doctor walked in to find a patient sitting on the exam table.

A doctor walked in to find a patient sitting on the exam table, with carrots sticking out of his nose, and broccoli coming out of his ears.

The doctor took one look at him and said, "Well I can tell right away you're not eating right".

What do you call uncooked broccoli?


I'll see myself out.

How do you break the news to a cruciferous vegetable that it's going to die?

Very very broccoli.

What a fruit.

Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.

Mushroom: Wow, I look like an umbrella.

Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.

Banana: Can we change the topic please?

Why wouldn't the anti-vaxxers child eat his broccoli?

He's dead

Does anyone know any funny names for weed?

Something like Lucifer's Light Up, Beelzebubs Broccoli, Satans Cigarette, Devils Lettuce, Wacky Tabacky, Giggle Bush. You know like that.

Here's a funny joke LADS: What did the broccoli say to the meat grinder?

Brocco-LeAVe mE aLoNe


Me: Do you like broccoli?

"Do you like curry?"
"Then you won't like what I did?"
"Did you cook broccoli or curry for me?"
"No, I banged your sister."

It's difficult dating a Chinese girl.

I told her I wanted 69 and she gave me shrimp with broccoli.

What kind of food does venom not eat

Eddie broccoli

If one cacti is a cactus, is a single broccoli a broccolus?

Just some food for thought.

Whats the name of Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother?



A broccoli looks into the trunk of his new car and sees he has an extra tire.

he says "oh look I have a-spar-a-gus."

Brock Turner sounds like a dish made from broccoli and turnips...

Which is fitting because he prefers his women to be in vegetative states!


It's just E. Coli for your bro

My partner forgot to put broccoli in our salad.

I felt broccoli robbed.

Who is the vegan cousin of Bruce Lee?


What did the broccoli say to the cauliflower when making their getaway?


How do you call your brother if he has ecoli??


A guy has been chatting to a pretty Chinese girl in a bar and offers to take her home.

At her place things are starting to get hot and heavy, especially when she says "So, anything you really really like?". He decides to go for it and says "I'd love a 69."

She turns bright red, slaps his face and says "You bloody men all the same...

"I'm not cooking beef and broccoli at this time of night!"

If Bruce Lee had a vegan brother, what would his name be?


A Chinese couple finally makes it to the hotel on their wedding night.

She tells him, We finally married! Anything you want tonight, just ask.

He says, How about a 69?

She says, Why you want beef with broccoli now?

Ok, dad joke time.

A doctor goes to see a patient, the patient has carrots coming out of his nose and broccoli out of his ears. The doctor takes one look at the patient and says, I can tell right away you're not eating right.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the broccoli buttsex puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working broccoli grocer piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes