Broccoli Jokes
69 broccoli jokes and hilarious broccoli puns to laugh out loud. Read food jokes about broccoli that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Broccoli Short Jokes
Short broccoli jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The broccoli humour may include short broth jokes also.
- What do you get when you mix a broccoli and a melon? The saddest vegetable known to man: a melonccoli.
- I asked my doctor how bad my breath is. "You see that broccoli over there?" he pointed.
"Yes..." I replied.
"That was a cauliflower before you started talking." - How do you break the news to a cruciferous vegetable that it's going to die? Very very broccoli.
- Failures in Marketing. Exhibit: Choc-coli The chocolate covered broccoli that is both *semi-nutritious* and *semi-delicious*.
- What do you call a dinosaur who only eats kale, broccoli, and cauliflower? A cruciferous rex!
- Broccoli A broccoli looks into the trunk of his new car and sees he has an extra tire.
he says "oh look I have a-spar-a-gus." - It's difficult dating a Chinese girl. I told her I wanted 69 and she gave me shrimp with broccoli.
- Here's a funny joke LADS: What did the broccoli say to the meat grinder? Brocco-LeAVe mE aLoNe
. - What did the Cabbage say to the broccoli that imprisoned them? "Lettuce go!"
- "Why do you keep hogging the telephone line?" -asked the Cauliflower to his wife.
"Broccoli", she replied.
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Broccoli One Liners
Which broccoli one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with broccoli? I can suggest the ones about cabbage and kale.
- Why wouldn't the anti-vaxxers child eat his broccoli? He's dead
- Ya know what the difference between broccoli and boogers is? I don't eat broccoli.
- How do you call your brother if he has ecoli?? Broccoli
- Who is the vegan cousin of Bruce Lee? Broccoli
- Why could the tomatoe outrun the broccoli? Because he wasn't a vegetable.
- What did the broccoli say to the cauliflower when making their getaway? "Floret!"
- What happened to the guy after he tripped? broccoli fell out of his pocket.
- Who did E.coli call after it lost a fight in school? Broccoli
- Q: What's the difference between boogers and broccoli?
A: Kids don't eat broccoli. - My partner forgot to put broccoli in our salad. I felt broccoli robbed.
- What do you call uncooked broccoli? Raw-ccoli.
I'll see myself out. - Broccoli It's just E. Coli for your bro
- How does broccoli use a cellphone? He cauliflower.
- If one cacti is a cactus, is a single broccoli a broccolus? Just some food for thought.
- What kind of food does venom not eat Eddie broccoli
Gather Around for Fun Broccoli Jokes and Laughter with Friends
What funny jokes about broccoli you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean asparagus jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make broccoli pranks.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel's elevator.
On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."
On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."
The old lady's floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An old lady was on the elevator when... (X-post from /funny)
...a well-dressed young woman got on, wearing perfume. She looked at the old lady, and said "ROMANCE by Ralph Lauren. $150 an ounce."
At the next floor, another woman got on, wearing even more perfume. "CHANEL #5. $200 an ounce." she announced.
When the doors opened on the next floor, the old lady leaned over, ripped a three octave, sinus-clearing duck call of a f**....
As she walked out the door, she looked back over her shoulder, "BROCCOLI. 49 cents a pound!"
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Broccoli.
An employee in a grocery store was stocking produce when a fairly old woman approached him. "Excuse me, young man?", she asked, "Can you tell me where I can find the broccoli?" The employee explained that they were fresh out but they will be in stock with more produce the following morning. The woman thanked him and walked off.
A few minutes later the employee heard the voice again, "Excuse me, sir? Where is the broccoli, I can't find the broccoli." It was the same woman, slightly more agitated. The employee responded, "Ma'am, I believe I told you already, we are out of broccoli right now, we'll have more in stock tomorrow." The woman gave him a dirty look and walked off.
Minutes later, the employee finished stocking the produce and turned to go back to the front of the store. He suddenly was confronted again by the same woman, now furious. "WHERE IS THE BROCCOLI? I CAN'T FIND IT!", She shouted. The employee took a deep breath and said,
"Ma'am. Humor me. Spell 'cat'...like in 'catastrophe'."
"C-A-T", she replied.
"Correct, now can you spell the 'dog', like in 'dogmatic'?"
"D-O-G", she said, exasperated.
"Perfect. Now spell the f**...', like in 'broccoli'."
The woman paused and shouted, "THERE IS NO f**...' IN 'BROCCOLI'!"
"*THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU, LADY!*"
A newlywed Asian couple are on the first night of their honeymoon and have saved it for marriage
The husband says to his wife, "What do you want to do? We can try anything you want."
The wife says, "I want 69."
The husband replies, "You want beef with broccoli?"
So broccoli was having a conversation with some of his friends...
The broccoli said: "I look like a tree!"
The mushroom said: "I look like an umbrella!"
The walnut said: "I look like a brain!"
The banana said: "Can we please change the subject?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy picks up a waitress at a Chinese restaurant...
A guy picks up an innocent, young waitress at a Chinese restaurant and after a night out gets her back to his place. After some fooling around he's ready for action and says, "How's about a little sixty-nine?" to which she replies, "You want broccoli with beef?!"
Broccoli joke
So a woman walks into a grocery store and asks "do you have any broccoli" no says the guy stocking shelves. So the woman leaves. So the woman came back the next day and asked the same question, again the guy said no. So again the woman came back and asked again, so the guy finally said can you spell cat as in catostophe so she spells c-a-t. And can you spell dog as in dogborne? So she says d-o-g. Now can you spell freak as in broccoli? Then the woman says " there is no freak in broccoli, THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU!!
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How does President Obama eat broccoli?
Barack-ly.
Mr. Smith's Unusual Depression
Doctors were dumbfounded when they couldn't figure out why Mr. Smith was so depressed. They interviewed him about how his day had gone, nothing seemed out of the ordinary, they asked him what he ate and he said he had a watermelon smoothie with broccoli salad for lunch.
Then they realized, he was melonccoli.
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My daughter can be so cruel...
Her: Hey dad, what is the difference between broccoli and boogers?
Me: I don't know, what?
Her (pointing at me): YOU, don't eat your broccoli!
What does the president call his broccoli?
Broc Obama.
What are Kierkegaard's two favourite fruits?
Melon and Broccoli!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I like cutting up broccoli because...
It makes me feel like a giant, wielding a tiny anime sword, cutting down tiny trees..
Expensive perfume
A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume.
She turns to the old Italian woman on the elevator with her and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks both beautiful women in the eye, turns, bends over, and farts. "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."
Eat Your Broccoli
Little Johnny is having dinner with his family. He's eating everything except broccoli. His dad notices it and says, "Johnny, if you eat your broccoli, your pee-pee will grow big." Suddenly, Mom turns around and gives Dad a big slap.
Dad: What was that for?
Mom: For not eating your broccoli.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the similarity between s**... and broccoli?
Even with butter, children will still not like them
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This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An Asian couple is in bed
And the husband, making an effort to spice things up, says "We do #69 now"!
And the wife says, "Why you want Beef and Broccoli"?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
b**... is like broccoli.
If you're forced to do it as a child, you'll love it as an adult.
How do vegetables do things?
Broccoly
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A sweet young girl walks into an elevator at Macy's, trailing a cloud of expensive perfume.
She brags to the elderly woman who was inside, Coco Chanel $900 per ounce.
The lift reaches the second floor where the old lady is about to get off. As she steps out of the elevator, she rips out a rumbling f**.... Trailing a heavy cloud, she smiles sweetly and announces, broccoli, 49 cents a pound.
What vegetable do dudes high five?
Broccoli
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Does anyone know any funny names for w**...?
Something like l**...'s Light Up, Beelzebubs Broccoli, Satans Cigarette, Devils Lettuce, Wacky Tabacky, Giggle Bush. You know like that.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Me: Do you like broccoli?
"No."
"Do you like curry?"
"No."
"Then you won't like what I did?"
"Did you cook broccoli or curry for me?"
"No, I banged your sister."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Brock Turner sounds like a dish made from broccoli and turnips...
Which is fitting because he prefers his women to be in vegetative states!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A guy has been chatting to a pretty Chinese girl in a bar and offers to take her home.
At her place things are starting to get hot and heavy, especially when she says "So, anything you really really like?". He decides to go for it and says "I'd love a 69."
She turns bright red, slaps his face and says "You b**... men all the same...
"I'm not cooking beef and broccoli at this time of night!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Sharp Retort
A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, farts, and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"
Ok, dad joke time.
A doctor goes to see a patient, the patient has carrots coming out of his nose and broccoli out of his ears. The doctor takes one look at the patient and says, I can tell right away you're not eating right.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The elevator ride
A woman is on an elevator heading to the 9th floor. 3 other well dressed and wealthy women get in at the 5th floor and begin obnoxiously talking about how much they each spent on their perfume after one gives the other a compliment. The first one spouts off Chanel, $100 per bottle. The second one replies Gucci, $125 per bottle. The 3rd says Well I have you both beat! Jean Patou, $1800 per bottle! Annoyed, the first woman on the elevator goes to get off and let's out a very loud and rancid f**... and says Broccoli, 59 cents a pound!
A scientist dropped a burger and a broccoli from the top of a building to see which one of them would hit the ground first. Which one hit the ground first?
The burger. This is because burger is a Fast food. Thank you.
