Broccoli Jokes

A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel's elevator.
On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."
On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."
The old lady's floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."

What's do broccoli and p**... hair have in common?

You brush them both aside and keep on eating.

An old lady was on the elevator when... (X-post from /funny)

...a well-dressed young woman got on, wearing perfume. She looked at the old lady, and said "ROMANCE by Ralph Lauren. $150 an ounce."
At the next floor, another woman got on, wearing even more perfume. "CHANEL #5. $200 an ounce." she announced.
When the doors opened on the next floor, the old lady leaned over, ripped a three octave, sinus-clearing duck call of a f**....
As she walked out the door, she looked back over her shoulder, "BROCCOLI. 49 cents a pound!"

A newlywed Asian couple are on the first night of their honeymoon and have saved it for marriage

The husband says to his wife, "What do you want to do? We can try anything you want."
The wife says, "I want 69."
The husband replies, "You want beef with broccoli?"

So broccoli was having a conversation with some of his friends...

The broccoli said: "I look like a tree!"
The mushroom said: "I look like an umbrella!"
The walnut said: "I look like a brain!"
The banana said: "Can we please change the subject?"

A guy picks up a waitress at a Chinese restaurant...

A guy picks up an innocent, young waitress at a Chinese restaurant and after a night out gets her back to his place. After some fooling around he's ready for action and says, "How's about a little sixty-nine?" to which she replies, "You want broccoli with beef?!"

How does President Obama eat broccoli?

Barack-ly.

Mr. Smith's Unusual Depression

Doctors were dumbfounded when they couldn't figure out why Mr. Smith was so depressed. They interviewed him about how his day had gone, nothing seemed out of the ordinary, they asked him what he ate and he said he had a watermelon smoothie with broccoli salad for lunch.
Then they realized, he was melonccoli.

Doctor's Visit

A man goes to the doctor and complains he's not feeling well.
The doctor looks at him and notices he has a stick of celery up one nostril a carrot up the other and broccoli sticking out of his ears.
The doctor says " I know what's wrong,your not eating properly"!

What does the president call his broccoli?

Broc Obama.

What are Kierkegaard's two favourite fruits?

Melon and Broccoli!

SWEET PERFUME

A high class looking woman sat down next to me on the train. I took in a breath and asked aloud, 'What's that smell?'
She turned to me, looked down her nose and said, 'Chanel, 500 dollars an ounce." She turned away.
About 10 minutes later, I let out a silent f**.... She turns to me and asks ,What's that smell?'
I say, "Broccoli, $1.49 a pound.'

A man marries a Chinese restaurant waitress...

On their wedding night, she says to him -
Bride: "Dear husband, I want to give you anything you want! Just name it!"
Groom: "Ooh, that's tough to chose. OK, I really want a sixty nine."
Bride (confused): "You want beef broccoli *now*?"

Eat Your Broccoli

Little Johnny is having dinner with his family. He's eating everything except broccoli. His dad notices it and says, "Johnny, if you eat your broccoli, your pee-pee will grow big." Suddenly, Mom turns around and gives Dad a big slap.
Dad: What was that for?
Mom: For not eating your broccoli.

What's the similarity between s**... and broccoli?

Even with butter, children will still not like them

What did the Cabbage say to the broccoli that imprisoned them?

"Lettuce go!"

b**... is like broccoli.

If you're forced to do it as a child, you'll love it as an adult.

A Broccoli, Mushroom, Walnut and a Banana are having a discussion

Broccoli: I look like a tree!
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella!
walnut: I look like a brain!
Banana: You guys wanna talk about something else?

A doctor walked in to find a patient sitting on the exam table.

A doctor walked in to find a patient sitting on the exam table, with carrots sticking out of his nose, and broccoli coming out of his ears.
The doctor took one look at him and said, "Well I can tell right away you're not eating right".

How do vegetables do things?

Broccoly

A sweet young girl walks into an elevator at Macy's, trailing a cloud of expensive perfume.

She brags to the elderly woman who was inside, Coco Chanel $900 per ounce.
The lift reaches the second floor where the old lady is about to get off. As she steps out of the elevator, she rips out a rumbling f**.... Trailing a heavy cloud, she smiles sweetly and announces, broccoli, 49 cents a pound.

What vegetable do dudes high five?

Broccoli

Does anyone know any funny names for w**...?

Something like l**...'s Light Up, Beelzebubs Broccoli, Satans Cigarette, Devils Lettuce, Wacky Tabacky, Giggle Bush. You know like that.

Me: Do you like broccoli?

"No."
"Do you like curry?"
"No."
"Then you won't like what I did?"
"Did you cook broccoli or curry for me?"
"No, I banged your sister."

It's difficult dating a Chinese girl.

I told her I wanted 69 and she gave me shrimp with broccoli.

What kind of food does venom not eat

Eddie broccoli

If one cacti is a cactus, is a single broccoli a broccolus?

Just some food for thought.

Whats the name of Bruce Lee's vegetarian brother?

Broccoli.

Broccoli

A broccoli looks into the trunk of his new car and sees he has an extra tire.
he says "oh look I have a-spar-a-gus."

Brock Turner sounds like a dish made from broccoli and turnips...

Which is fitting because he prefers his women to be in vegetative states!

An Asian couple are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. After a wonderful dinner with family and friends they're back home reminiscing when the wife suddenly turns to the husband with an eyebrow raised suggestively and says "Since it our 50th anniversary, tonight we do whatever you want."

"Anything?" he asks. "Anything!" she replies. The man thinks for a long time then gives her a devilish look and says, "I want 69." The wife looks bewildered. "You want Beef & Broccoli now?!"

A guy has been chatting to a pretty Chinese girl in a bar and offers to take her home.

At her place things are starting to get hot and heavy, especially when she says "So, anything you really really like?". He decides to go for it and says "I'd love a 69."
She turns bright red, slaps his face and says "You b**... men all the same...
"I'm not cooking beef and broccoli at this time of night!"

A Chinese couple finally makes it to the hotel on their wedding night.

She tells him, We finally married! Anything you want tonight, just ask.
He says, How about a 69?
She says, Why you want beef with broccoli now?

Sharp Retort

A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, farts, and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"

Ok, dad joke time.

A doctor goes to see a patient, the patient has carrots coming out of his nose and broccoli out of his ears. The doctor takes one look at the patient and says, I can tell right away you're not eating right.

The elevator ride

A woman is on an elevator heading to the 9th floor. 3 other well dressed and wealthy women get in at the 5th floor and begin obnoxiously talking about how much they each spent on their perfume after one gives the other a compliment. The first one spouts off Chanel, $100 per bottle. The second one replies Gucci, $125 per bottle. The 3rd says Well I have you both beat! Jean Patou, $1800 per bottle! Annoyed, the first woman on the elevator goes to get off and let's out a very loud and rancid f**... and says Broccoli, 59 cents a pound!

A scientist dropped a burger and a broccoli from the top of a building to see which one of them would hit the ground first. Which one hit the ground first?

The burger. This is because burger is a Fast food. Thank you.