British Jokes
168 british jokes and hilarious british puns to laugh out loud. Read ethnic jokes about british that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This is a collection of the funniest British jokes. From classic one-liners to hilarious short stories, these jokes will have you laughing out loud.
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Funniest British Short Jokes
Short british jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The british humour may include short wales jokes also.
- What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team? A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...
Bit of British humour right there ;) - A British man is visiting Australia. The man at customs asks him
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The British man replies
"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more." - The only reason there are pyramids in Egypt is because they are too heavy to be carried to the British Museum
- The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate. Nobody knows what may happen.
Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump. - Why the great pyramid are in Egypt? Because they were to heavy too carry of to the British museum.
- British teenager Emma Raducanu has just won $2.5m by winning the US open final Sadly she needed 2 band-aids and a bandage for a cut on her leg in the last game, so she still owes about $25k
- Wife: I am going to London for 5 days, what should I get you on my way back? Husband: A cute British girl.
\*wife returns from London\*
Husband: Where is my gift?
Wife: Wait nine months. - I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania Now I can't even look myself in the mirror.
- What's the difference between watts and ohms? Watts are a unit of electrical energy. Ohms are where British people live.
- I started going to the gym a year ago and so far I lost 500 pounds! The only problem is I'm British...
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British One Liners
Which british one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with british? I can suggest the ones about british accent and british museum.
- What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display? British
- What do British nuclear engineers eat? Fission chips.
- My favorite rapper is 50 cent Or as the British people now call him, 10,000 pounds.
- Why do British people say British like Bri ish? Because they drank the t.
- What happens when a British guy makes a promise? He Brexit
- I'm sick of all these bri'ish jokes... I'm British and i love T.
- Why do British people say, "I'm Bri ish"? Because they love to drink the t.
- What is the most common line you will read in a British museum? "Made in Egypt."
- British people be like I'm Bri ish It's because they drank the t
- What's the favorite drink of every British serial killer? Casual tea
- What do you call a British man with no arms and a gun? 'armless.
- British English has only three vowels : A, I , O. They have left E.U.
- What's something that feels British but isn't? The contents of the British Museum
- What does a british real estate agent care most about? His proper tea
- A British man takes a sip of his coffee. And says, This not my cup of tea.
British People Jokes
Here is a list of funny british people jokes and even better british people puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Why don't British people pronounce the t in Bri'ish? Because they already drank all the t
- When British people pronounce words like Water they say it like Wuh-er . So what happened to the T? They drank it
- Why do British people pronounce it bri'ish? Because the Tea fell in the harbor.
- Why do British people call themselves Bri ish Because they drank the t
- A British Cop and an American Cop are talking in a bar The British cop says "they might take away our tasers because they sometimes kill people"
The American Cop says "sometimes? seems inneficient" - Why do british people pronounce water as wa ah? They don't want to have t in the water again
- The British Prime Minister resigned today. I guess the people lost their Truss.
- British people are always recording their finances because the camera adds ten pounds.
- I was wondering why British people pronounce it as Bri-ish. Then I realised that they drank all the tea.
- Do you think British people judge others on their accent? I judge people long before they’ve opened their mouths.
British Pound Jokes
Here is a list of funny british pound jokes and even better british pound puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- My British friend told me he lost 50 pounds. He seemed really upset when I congratulated him.
- Did you hear about the fat guy who spent his free time in a British casino? He heard it was a fast way to lose pounds.
- I lost 216 pounds. Never going to another British casino again...
- Lost 200 pounds. Here's my story. British prostitutes are *expensive.*
- You, too, could lose 100 pounds with Herbalife... ...Simply by paying British money to sign up.
- This simple change in lifestyle will help you lose 2 pounds every week! Just invest in the British stock market
- I never realized British coins were so heavy They can really add up to pounds.
- I don't know how Valve managed to do it, but... they even included the British Pound in their summer sale this year.
- I wanted to get in shape so I thought I'd try a British gym... I gained 5 kilos and lost 70 pounds
- What's that diving? Is it a bird, Is it a plane... No it's the British Pound...
British English Jokes
Here is a list of funny british english jokes and even better british english puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words.
American English: no u - If the British empire spoke queens English does that mean.. The Americans spoke rebels tongues.
- How does an english airplane breathe? Through its british airways, of course
- What do you call a British woman with a yeast infection? An English muffin
- I dated a british girl once who was a bit overweight. She had an english muffin top.
British Accent Jokes
Here is a list of funny british accent jokes and even better british accent puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Don't buy Ukrainian boxer shorts... ...Chernobyl fallout.
(*has to be read in a British accent*) - TIL Stephen Hawking is British Never realized because of his accent.
- *British accent* What do you get if you cross ab elephant with a rhino? 'Ell if I know!
- Why did the teacher suspend the kid who called her a great artist? He said it in a British accent
- It turns out that I am really good at drawing.. Well,at least the doctor said so,as he spoke in a British accent about how I am artistic..
- The first phrase I tried to read with British accent was equivocal. Try Freefolk.
- I can do a great hard british accent
- Wasn't by British accent great? I thought all British accents were Great British accents
- What is a British person's favorite cereal? Cheerios.
say it in a British accent
British Army Jokes
Here is a list of funny british army jokes and even better british army puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A British army vehicle crashed into a tree... Some say the IRA planted it.
Silly & Ridiculous British Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about british you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean british english jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make british pranks.
The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.
No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.
British ship
So a British boat is sunk by a U-boat during world war 2
the British in distress send out the message- Help! Help! we are sinking!
the German U-boat picks up the message and says- What are you sinking about?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I lost 80 pounds a while back...
British prostitutes are expensive.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's a plane crashing down...
On the plane are The President of the United States, The British Prime Minister, the smartest man in the world, a priest and a boy scout. The pilot announces over the intercom: "People, we regret to inform you that we are going to c**.... Fortunately, there are 6 parachutes available."
Before anyone can respond, the pilot and copilot dash out of the cabin, each grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. The 5 passengers look at each other, realize there's only 4 parachutes left, then make a mad dash for them. A giant fight ensues as everyone struggles to grab a parachute.
The President snags one and declares, "I *must* live! I'm the President of the United States!" before jumping out of the plane.
The Prime Minister grabs a c**... and yells, "*I* must live! I'm the Prime Minister!"
The Smartest Man in the World and the boy scout get into a tussle, ending with the Smartest Man in the World shoving the boy scout to the floor. Hugging the parachute to his chest he yells, "I'm the Smartest Man in the World! It is imperative that I survive!" and leaps out the door.
The priest helps the boy scout to his feet. "You go ahead, son," he says, "Take the last parachute. I've made my peace."
"We can each have one, father," The boy scout says, shaking his head, "The Smartest Man in the World took my backpack."
Four kids walk into an interview...
Four kids walk into an interview. One is American, one is British, one is African, and one is Chinese. The interviewer asks them all the same question: "In your own opinion, what do you think of the scarcity of food in other countries?" The British kid asks "What is scarcity?" The American kid asks "What are other countries?" The African kid asks "What is food?" And the Chinese kid asks "What is my own opinion?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a british man say when he's about to c**...?
I'm arriving
Kate Middleton has said if she has a boy she will call him by the most popular British boy's name at the moment.
We look forward to the arrival of baby Mohammed.
I tried to be a tap dancer
but I kept falling in the sink!
(thank you, british uncle ken for that dry humor)
David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'...
David Cameron has said the UK's mission in Afghanistan is 'accomplished'.
We're leaving that country in a state of poverty and despair, where half the population can't read and daily life is blighted by the ever-present threat of needless violence.
Yes, we've brought the British way of life to them all right.
Falklands veteran
A British officer spotted a busker in the London Underground with a sign that read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR." The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!" Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, he took £20 out of his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was then greeted with a hearty: "Gracias, Señor!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 spies, a french one, a british one, and an italian one, are captured by al-qaeda...
the terrorists tie each of them up and put the brit and the italian in a locked room. they take the frenchman to a room for 6 hours, torturing information out of him. when they finish with him, they take the brit to the room, who lasts 12 hours. they finally take the italian into the room, but as much as they t**... him, they cant get any information out of him.
the brit and the frenchman ask him how it goes and he says "i couldnt say anything." they ask him why and he says "my hands were tied!"
British clock in german hands
During world war II, a british clock found its way into german hands. The strange thing about this clock was it went tick-tick-tick-tick, instead of tick-tock-tick-tock. The germans could not figure this out.
Finally, it went to the gestapo. Their chief interrogator softly whispered to the clock " We haff ways to make you tock"
Two british men are sitting at a bus stop...
When a man, clearly not from their town, comes up towards them.
"Parlez-vous Français?" The man asks the two Brits.
Confused, they stare blankly at the foreigner.
"Hablan ustedes Español?" The man tries again - still no reaction from the two men.
Frustrated, the foreigner tries one more time.
"Sprechen sie Deutsch?"
but the two men at the bus stop still have no clue what he's saying, and the foreigner storms off in a huff.
A couple seconds later, one of the men sitting on the bench turns to the other and says, "We should probably learn a language."
The other man turns to him and says, "Why? He knew three, and it didn't do him any good!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At a medical conference
Two African doctors were in an intense debate. The first said "It's wooooooooooooooommmbbbbb". The second said "no, it's woooooooooooooooommmbbaaaa." A British doctor overhears them and decides to help: "I think the word you are looking for is 'womb.'"
They both turn to him and say "Clearly, you've never heard a hippopotamus f**... underwater!"
What do you call a British dinosaur?
A tea rex.
What's one thing every gay british man wants?
Their chapstick.
NASA CHICKEN CANON
NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.
British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.
When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.
The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
TIL that in 1940 a German U-Boat captain found himself aboard a British vessel.
Whoops, wrong sub.
British Airways. Breakfast in London. Dinner in New York.
Luggage in Tokyo.
What does a British midget get when he is told he is going to be crucified?
He gets a little cross.
Two German spies came to English pub during WW II.
One German said to another: "Be careful. Let's pretend that we are British. We should order martini this time, not schnaps". So they requested barman for two martinies.
- Dry martini? - asked barman.
- Warum drei? Zwei!
Oldest known British Joke from 10th century AD.
What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?
A key
My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?"
I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is the British weather like Islam?
Because it's either Sunni or s**...'ite
A British vampire walks inside a bar...
The bartender offers him a glass of fresh blood but he refused. Instead, the vampire just asked for a cup of warm water. The bartender asked him why to which the vampire replied, "Well, I found some used tampons earlier. I'm just going to make some tea."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Girls from England?
A guy walks into a bar and hears two women speaking in a British accent. He asks, "Are you ladies from England?" One says to him "No, it's Wales, you idiot!" So, then the guy says, "Okay, sorry. So, are you two whales from England?"
I regret falling in love with my British girlfriend.
You give your heart to her and she Brexit into a million parts.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why dont you need birth controls when having s**... with British boys?
They are the earliest to pull out of eu.
TIL the excuse the US Marine used in May 1943 after accidentally friendly fire'ing a British U-boat.
Woops, wrong sub.
An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve
An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden and try to figure out what nationality they are.
The American says, "Look at how free and independent they are, they must be Americans."
The Briton says, "What are you talking about, look at how calm and reserved they are, the are obviously British."
The North Korean says, "You two are both missing the point. They have no clothes, no shelter, they only have and apple to eat between them and yet they are being told that they live in paradise. They're clearly North Korean."
Olympic Results for sailing are out:
The British have taken the Gold medal.
The French have taken the Silver medal.
The Somalians have taken the boats.
It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.
The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"
What's the difference between an Ethiopian elevator sign and an British elevator sign?
British sign says " Maximum 6 People/500kg"
Ethiopian sign says "Maximum 500 People/6kg"
A British girl meets a guy...
And they hit it off immediately. The girl goes to her dad the next day to tell him about it.
"Oh, dad, he's just the sweetest! He loves dancing and photography, he's great with kids, and he volunteers at an animal shelter. He's funny, handsome, a great listener, oh! and he's a goalie for a local football team. Oh dad, what do you think?"
Her dad looked at her with an odd expression and said "Oh honey...
... *he's a keeper*"
What do you call 32 British citizens?
A full set of teeth.
Can you call the British PM a fool?
During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.
The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?
Churchill's reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the Prime Minister a fool", he said, "but for letting out a state secret at a time of war".
Why did the US Navy gift the British Navy glass-bottomed boats?
So they could see the old British Navy!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Today in the UK we celebrate the 4th of July.
The day the average IQ of the British Empire jumped 100 points with a single signature.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors
If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British
If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German
If they retreat, they're French
If they switch to your side, they're Italian
If they apologize, they're Canadian
If nothing happens for a few minutes then suddenly your camp is leveled to the ground, they're American
A fat British man walks into a store...
... He sees a box of pills labeled "Lose 50 Pounds Instantly, if it doesn't work we'll give you your money back!". Excited and with nothing to lose, the man promptly purchases the pills and gobbles them down on the spot, but to not effect. Angrily, he tells the cashier it didn't work and he wants his money back. The cashier replies "Yes it did, you have the receipt as proof."
A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...
"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"
The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Soviet are asked what nationality Adam and Eve were.
The Brit exclaims They must have been British! Look at how gentlemanly Adam behaved towards Eve. He must have been an Englishman.
Outrageous! Says the Frenchman. They must have been French. Look at the love that they exhibited towards each other! Only the French can love like that.
The Soviet chuckles and says You're both wrong. They must have been Soviet; they had no clothes, no food, and someone in charge was telling them they were in paradise .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do The Brit's still use 'u' in words like colour and armour ?
Because Rick Astley is British.
If Liverpool wins, somebody warn the Pope!
1981:
1. A British prince gets married
2. Liverpool wins the Champions League
3. The Pope dies
2005:
1. A British prince gets married
2. Liverpool wins the Champions League
3. The Pope dies
2018:
1. A British prince gets married
2. Liverpool is in the Champions League's final
3.
British kids sure are kind
But German kids are kinder
A savage wife
Wife : I am going to London for a month.What should I bring for you?
Husband: A nice British Blonde...
*after 1 month*
Husband : Where is my gift?
Wife : Wait for 9 months.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why Americans don't need to feel bad when they are criticized by the British
Sometimes I hear people from Great Britain talk about how bad the education is in The US. I do get a little offended, but then I realize they are just salty because we beat them in The Civil War.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced
British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut out a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. 4 years ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
This 4th of July, the British should celebrate Independence Day too.
Now they feel like they dodged a bullet.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A British man was talking to his friend about his views on Brexit...
"These b**... immigrants come over here. They're up to no good, right? I hate these b**... immigrants. They need to go back to where they came from."
His friend replies with "But why do you hate them so much?"
The British man replies, "I'll tell you why I hate them, I'll tell you why. It's because they're not even trying to be British. That's why. They don't even TRY to be British. They come here, and bring their own b**... culture. They bring their own food, spit their own b**... languages, try to take over the whole b**... place."
His friend replies with "Well, that sounds British to me"
Why do the British pronounce British as Bri'ish?
The Americans dropped the t
Why i love being Russian
I get to vote in the US election
FYI: I am actually British and never have stepped foot in Russia
My friend was really proud of his British heritage until he found out that his grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now he can't even look at himself in the mirror.
Apparently the British hated rows,
which was why they columnised so many places
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A British man and an Indian man were talking about arranged marriage.
English man: How could you marry a woman
before knowing her?
Indian man: How could you marry a woman
AFTER knowing her?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Brit, A Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit."They must be British"
They pondered this possibility but the Frenchman and the Russians soon shake their heads in disagreement.
"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're n**... and so beautiful, clearly they are French". The Brit and Russian agreed on this point but the Russian soon raises an objection to this.
"No clothes, no shelter and they have only an apple to eat but they're told this is Paradise. They are clearly Russian"
One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".
Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain, Skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair.
And the most British thing of all?
"Suspicious of anything Foreign "
Welcome to Australia!
A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"
"Pleasure," he replies.
"Anything to declare?"
"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.
"Do you have a criminal history?"
Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.
"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those"
I took British Airlines to court after losing my luggage.
The judge threw it out because we had no case
