The Best 84 British Jokes
This is a collection of the funniest British jokes. From classic one-liners to hilarious short stories, these jokes will have you laughing out loud.
Top 10 Funniest British Jokes and Puns
The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.
No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.
Four kids walk into an interview...
Four kids walk into an interview. One is American, one is British, one is African, and one is Chinese. The interviewer asks them all the same question: "In your own opinion, what do you think of the scarcity of food in other countries?" The British kid asks "What is scarcity?" The American kid asks "What are other countries?" The African kid asks "What is food?" And the Chinese kid asks "What is my own opinion?"
Investment Opportunity: You might want to consider getting on board early...
A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.
Kate Middleton has said if she has a boy she will call him by the most popular British boy's name at the moment.
We look forward to the arrival of baby Mohammed.
Apparently Muslims invented the condom.
As it turns out, Muslims in the middle east one day came up with the brilliant idea to use goat intestines as a suitable condom. It wasn't, however, until in 1827 when the British perfected the idea by taking the intestines *out* of the goat first.
A British man goes on holiday in Australia...
After getting off the plane in Sydney, the man waits to go through Australian customs.
"Do you have anything to declare?" asks the Australian customs officer.
"No" replies the British man.
"Do you have a criminal record?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know that was still a requirement."
A man was drinking in a British pub
...when he noticed two very large women with strong accents. "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?" he asked.
"It's Wales, you idiot" one answered.
"I'm sorry" the man replied. "Are you two whales from Ireland?"
A British soldier meets an Australian soldier on a warzone
**British soldier**: Did you come here to die?
**Australian soldier**: Nah mate, I came here yesterday!
British clock in german hands
During world war II, a british clock found its way into german hands. The strange thing about this clock was it went tick-tick-tick-tick, instead of tick-tock-tick-tock. The germans could not figure this out.
Finally, it went to the gestapo. Their chief interrogator softly whispered to the clock " We haff ways to make you tock"
Why do British prostitutes always carry Vaseline?
Because their lips have so many chaps on them!
TIL that in 1940 a German U-Boat captain found himself aboard a British vessel.
Whoops, wrong sub.
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What do British nuclear engineers eat?
Fission chips.
A British man visits Australia
A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks "Do you have a previous criminal history?"
The visitor replies "I didn't realize that was still a requirement"
A British man is visiting Australia.
The man at customs asks him
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The British man replies
"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."
The Garden of Eden
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."
My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?"
I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."
Why is the British weather like Islam?
Because it's either Sunni or Shi'ite
In 1839 an Arab man made the first condom
The condom was made of goat intestines. In 1844, a British scientist revolutionized the condom by removing the intestines from the goat first
Girls from England?
A guy walks into a bar and hears two women speaking in a British accent. He asks, "Are you ladies from England?" One says to him "No, it's Wales, you idiot!" So, then the guy says, "Okay, sorry. So, are you two whales from England?"
My favorite rapper is 50 cent
Or as the British people now call him, 10,000 pounds.
What happens when a British guy makes a promise?
He Brexit
TIL the excuse the US Marine used in May 1943 after accidentally friendly fire'ing a British U-boat.
Woops, wrong sub.
Olympic Results for Sailing are out:
The British have taken the Gold medal.
The French have taken the Silver medal.
The Somalians have taken the boats.
In the 15th century the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In the 18th century the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.
The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"ο»Ώ
What's the difference between an Ethiopian elevator sign and an British elevator sign?
British sign says " Maximum 6 People/500kg"
Ethiopian sign says "Maximum 500 People/6kg"
Condoms were invented by Arabic-Muslims sometime in the 1400s using lower goat intestine
They were later improved by the British in 1873 by taking the intestine out of the goat first
What's the difference between watts and ohms?
Watts are a unit of electrical energy. Ohms are where British people live.
The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate.
Nobody knows what may happen.
Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.
Can you call the British PM a fool?
During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.
The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?
Churchill's reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the Prime Minister a fool", he said, "but for letting out a state secret at a time of war".
Who would win if the American President debated the British Prime Minister?
After all, Trump may trump May, or May may trump Trump
A British man is visiting Australia for vacation.
The passport lady at Australian customs asks him, "Have you been convicted of any crimes in the past?"
The Brit replies by asking, "Is it still a requirement?"
In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors
If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British
If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German
If they retreat, they're French
If they switch to your side, they're Italian
If they apologize, they're Canadian
If nothing happens for a few minutes then suddenly your camp is leveled to the ground, they're American
A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...
"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"
The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
I can't believe Prince Harry, who's British royalty, is marrying African American actress Meghan Markle. Why would someone that rich and famous marry an obviously inferior genetic specimen? It's just unthinkable.
Though I suppose if Meghan wants to marry a ginger, it's none of my business.
I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania
Now I can't even look myself in the mirror.
Why do The Brit's still use 'u' in words like colour and armour ?
Because Rick Astley is British.
In 1272, the Muslims invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
A British man is visiting Australia.
The man at customs asks him : "Do you have any criminal record?"
he replied : "I didn't know this was still a requirement"
If Liverpool wins, somebody warn the Pope!
1981:
1. A British prince gets married
2. Liverpool wins the Champions League
3. The Pope dies
2005:
1. A British prince gets married
2. Liverpool wins the Champions League
3. The Pope dies
2018:
1. A British prince gets married
2. Liverpool is in the Champions League's final
3.
What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team?
A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...
Bit of British humour right there ;)
A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the gardens of Eden.
The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says "They look so calm, they must be British!" The Frenchmen responds "no no! They're naked, so beautiful, they must be French!" The Russian says "They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise? ...They're clearly Russian!"
(Whole thing done in thick fake accents)
I started going to the gym a year ago and so far I lost 500 pounds!
The only problem is I'm British...
Why are rich british people fat?
because they measure their wealth in pounds
A savage wife
Wife : I am going to London for a month.What should I bring for you?
Husband: A nice British Blonde...
*after 1 month*
Husband : Where is my gift?
Wife : Wait for 9 months.
A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...
...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour
British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words.
American English: no u
Why do British people say, "I'm Bri ish"?
Because they love to drink the t.
A British man is visiting Australia.
The man at customs asks him
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The British man replies
"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."
This 4th of July, the British should celebrate Independence Day too.
Now they feel like they dodged a bullet.
A British man was talking to his friend about his views on Brexit...
"These bloody immigrants come over here. They're up to no good, right? I hate these bloody immigrants. They need to go back to where they came from."
His friend replies with "But why do you hate them so much?"
The British man replies, "I'll tell you why I hate them, I'll tell you why. It's because they're not even trying to be British. That's why. They don't even TRY to be British. They come here, and bring their own bloody culture. They bring their own food, spit their own bloody languages, try to take over the whole bloody place."
His friend replies with "Well, that sounds British to me"
Why do British people say British like Bri ish?
Because they drank the t.
My friend was really proud of his British heritage until he found out that his grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now he can't even look at himself in the mirror.
A Brit, A Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit."They must be British"
They pondered this possibility but the Frenchman and the Russians soon shake their heads in disagreement.
"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're naked and so beautiful, clearly they are French". The Brit and Russian agreed on this point but the Russian soon raises an objection to this.
"No clothes, no shelter and they have only an apple to eat but they're told this is Paradise. They are clearly Russian"
One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".
Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
Β
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain, Skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair.
Β
And the most British thing of all?
"Suspicious of anything Foreign "
Welcome to Australia!
A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"
"Pleasure," he replies.
"Anything to declare?"
"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.
"Do you have a criminal history?"
Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.
"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those"
Why don't British people pronounce the t in Bri'ish?
Because they already drank all the t
A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen.
He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:
"Ma nishtanah halailah hazeh mikol haleilot."
Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"
Why do British people pronounce the word Bri'ish like they do?
Because they drank all the T.
(Told to me by my 11yo)
My British friend told me he lost 50 pounds.
He seemed really upset when I congratulated him.
Why are there pyramids in Egypt?
They were too heavy to steal and put in a British museum.
The only reason there are pyramids in Egypt
is because they are too heavy to be carried to the British Museum
Why are there pyramids in Egypt?
They are too heavy to carry to the British Museum.
A frog took a DNA test
The results said he was 20% British, 30% French and a tad Pole.
What is the most common line you will read in a British museum?
"Made in Egypt."
British teenager Emma Raducanu has just won $2.5m by winning the US open final
Sadly she needed 2 band-aids and a bandage for a cut on her leg in the last game, so she still owes about $25k
What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display?
British
Wife: I am going to London for 5 days, what should I get you on my way back?
Husband: A cute British girl.
\*wife returns from London\*
Husband: Where is my gift?
Wife: Wait nine months.
What do you call a British man with no arms and a gun?
'armless.
Why the great pyramids are in Egypt?
Because they were to heavy too carry of to the British museum.
British people be like I'm Bri ish
It's because they drank the t
Old Finnish WW2 joke
Finnish general Adolf Ehrnrooth was visiting in England after the World War II.
British general asked him how many Russian troops were stationed in Finland.
"A few hundred thousand" answered Ehrnrooth.
"Where in Finland are they stationed?" The British general asked.
Ehrnrooth answered: "Two meters underground around the border."
A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the gardens of Eden.
The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says "They look so calm, they must be British!" The Frenchmen responds "no no! They're naked, so beautiful, they must be French!" The Russian says "They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise? They're clearly Russian!"
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Because they wouldn't fit in the British Museum.
A disheveled man is busking on the side of the street in London with a sign that says Falklands War Veteran
A well-dressed man notices this and feels bad, having himself been a veteran of the British Army. He pities the busker and tells him, It must be a pity to serve your country and then come home to this. I served in the army, in fact, so I know what it's like. Maybe this will help you out. He then gives the man a rather large stack of cash.
The busker is overjoyed, and as the well-dressed man walks away, he tells him, Β‘Muchas gracias, seΓ±or!
What's the favorite drink of every British serial killer?
Casual tea
European Heaven & Hell
Heaven: The British are the police, the French are chefs, the Germans are the mechanics, the Swiss are the administrators, and the Italians are the lovers.
Hell: The Germans are the police, the British are the chefs, the French are the mechanics, the Italians are the administrators, and the Swiss are the lovers.
The British Prime Minister resigned today.
I guess the people lost their Truss.
My son asked if he could meet the British Prime Minister
I said "Boris Johnson? Liz Truss will probably be too busy. What do you want to meet Rishi Sunak for anyway?"
I'm sick of all these bri'ish jokes...
I'm British and i love T.
Why are the Great Pyramids in Egypt?
Because they're too heavy and big to take to the British Museum
According to the Time Honoured British Tradition...
They are now outsourcing their problems to some Indian guy when they invest neither the resources or time or skill to resolve it themselves.
officer Training School
Members of the 4 British Armed Services are completing an exam for Officer Training.
QUESTION: You're on a survival course & upon returning to your tent, you discover a scorpion.
What do you do?
NAVY answers: I would gingerly pick it up & throw it out of the tent.
ARMY answers: I would stomp it & throw it out of my tent.
MARINE answers: I would stomp it, eat it & then go to sleep.
AIRFORCE answers: I would call Room Service & ask WHY there is a tent in my Hotel Room.
What's the difference between a dinosaur and a British king?
One is a T-rex, the other is a tea rex.
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the british brexit puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working british englishman piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.
