British Jokes
173 british jokes and hilarious british puns to laugh out loud. Read ethnic jokes about british that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
This is a collection of the funniest British jokes. From classic one-liners to hilarious short stories, these jokes will have you laughing out loud.
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Funniest British Short Jokes
Short british jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The british humour may include short wales jokes also.
- What's the difference between a tea bag and the German football team? A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...
Bit of British humour right there ;) - Why are there pyramids in Egypt? They were too heavy to steal and put in a British museum.
- Why do The Brit's still use 'u' in words like colour and armour ? Because Rick Astley is British.
- A British man is visiting Australia. The man at customs asks him
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The British man replies
"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more." - The only reason there are pyramids in Egypt is because they are too heavy to be carried to the British Museum
- The American President has challenged the British Prime Minister to a debate. Nobody knows what may happen.
Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump. - Why are the Great Pyramids in Egypt? Because they're too heavy and big to take to the British Museum
- Who would win if the American President debated the British Prime Minister? After all, Trump may trump May, or May may trump Trump
- Why do British people pronounce the word Bri'ish like they do? Because they drank all the T.
(Told to me by my 11yo) - Why the great pyramid are in Egypt? Because they were to heavy too carry of to the British museum.
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British One Liners
Which british one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with british? I can suggest the ones about british accent and british museum.
- What do you call a thief who keeps the things he stole on public display? British
- What do British nuclear engineers eat? Fission chips.
- Why are rich british people fat? because they measure their wealth in pounds
- My favorite rapper is 50 cent Or as the British people now call him, 10,000 pounds.
- Why are the great pyramids in Egypt? The British couldn't fit them on their ships.
- Why is chess so difficult for British people? Cause they just lost the queen.
- Why do British people say British like Bri ish? Because they drank the t.
- Why are there pyramids in Egypt? They are too heavy to carry to the British Museum.
- A frog took a DNA test The results said he was 20% British, 30% French and a tad Pole.
- Why are the pyramids in Egypt? Because they wouldn't fit in the British Museum.
- What happens when a British guy makes a promise? He Brexit
- I'm sick of all these bri'ish jokes... I'm British and i love T.
- Why do British people say, "I'm Bri ish"? Because they love to drink the t.
- What is the most common line you will read in a British museum? "Made in Egypt."
- British people be like I'm Bri ish It's because they drank the t
British People Jokes
Here is a list of funny british people jokes and even better british people puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What's the difference between watts and ohms? Watts are a unit of electrical energy. Ohms are where British people live.
- Why don't British people pronounce the t in Bri'ish? Because they already drank all the t
- When British people pronounce words like Water they say it like Wuh-er . So what happened to the T? They drank it
- Why do British people pronounce it bri'ish? Because the Tea fell in the harbor.
- Why do British people call themselves Bri ish Because they drank the t
- A British Cop and an American Cop are talking in a bar The British cop says "they might take away our tasers because they sometimes kill people"
The American Cop says "sometimes? seems inneficient" - Why don't British people cry at funerals? They are used to Casual Teas
- Why do british people pronounce water as wa ah? They don't want to have t in the water again
- The British Prime Minister resigned today. I guess the people lost their Truss.
- Now we know Why do British people pronounce British as Bri'ish?
Because they drank the tea.
British Pound Jokes
Here is a list of funny british pound jokes and even better british pound puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I started going to the gym a year ago and so far I lost 500 pounds! The only problem is I'm British...
- My British friend told me he lost 50 pounds. He seemed really upset when I congratulated him.
- I lost 80 pounds a while back... British prostitutes are expensive.
- Did you hear about the fat guy who spent his free time in a British casino? He heard it was a fast way to lose pounds.
- I lost 216 pounds. Never going to another British casino again...
- Why are british employees fat Because they get paid by the pound
- Lost 200 pounds. Here's my story. British prostitutes are *expensive.*
- British people are always recording their finances because the camera adds ten pounds.
- You, too, could lose 100 pounds with Herbalife... ...Simply by paying British money to sign up.
- This simple change in lifestyle will help you lose 2 pounds every week! Just invest in the British stock market
British English Jokes
Here is a list of funny british english jokes and even better british english puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words.
American English: no u - British English has only three vowels : A, I , O. They have left E.U.
- British English will have only 3 vowels now A I O They left E U
- A British man and an Indian man were talking about arranged marriage. English man: How could you marry a woman
before knowing her?
Indian man: How could you marry a woman
AFTER knowing her? - If communism would adapt English, they would adapt to British English. ColOURs, FlavOURs, FavOURite and humOUR.
- If the British empire spoke queens English does that mean.. The Americans spoke rebels tongues.
- How does an english airplane breathe? Through its british airways, of course
- What do you call a British woman with a yeast infection? An English muffin
- I dated a british girl once who was a bit overweight. She had an english muffin top.
- What's the difference between British English and Australian English? British English: b**... h**...!
Australian English: ¡llǝɥ ʎpoolq
British Accent Jokes
Here is a list of funny british accent jokes and even better british accent puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Do you think British people judge others on their accent? I judge people long before they’ve opened their mouths.
- Don't buy Ukrainian boxer shorts... ...Chernobyl fallout.
(*has to be read in a British accent*) - If you say the words 'beer can' in a British accent, it sounds like you're saying 'bacon' in a Jamaican accent.
- TIL Stephen Hawking is British Never realized because of his accent.
- Say "beer can" out loud with a British accent. You just said "bacon" with a Jamaican accent.
- *British accent* What do you get if you cross ab elephant with a rhino? 'Ell if I know!
- Say 'beer can' in a British accent. I just taught you to say 'bacon' in a Jamaican accent.
- Why did the teacher suspend the kid who called her a great artist? He said it in a British accent
- It turns out that I am really good at drawing.. Well,at least the doctor said so,as he spoke in a British accent about how I am artistic..
- The first phrase I tried to read with British accent was equivocal. Try Freefolk.
British Army Jokes
Here is a list of funny british army jokes and even better british army puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- A British army vehicle crashed into a tree... Some say the IRA planted it.
Silly & Ridiculous British Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about british you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean british english jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make british pranks.
The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline.
No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.
There's a plane crashing down...
On the plane are The President of the United States, The British Prime Minister, the smartest man in the world, a priest and a boy scout. The pilot announces over the intercom: "People, we regret to inform you that we are going to c**.... Fortunately, there are 6 parachutes available."
Before anyone can respond, the pilot and copilot dash out of the cabin, each grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. The 5 passengers look at each other, realize there's only 4 parachutes left, then make a mad dash for them. A giant fight ensues as everyone struggles to grab a parachute.
The President snags one and declares, "I *must* live! I'm the President of the United States!" before jumping out of the plane.
The Prime Minister grabs a c**... and yells, "*I* must live! I'm the Prime Minister!"
The Smartest Man in the World and the boy scout get into a tussle, ending with the Smartest Man in the World shoving the boy scout to the floor. Hugging the parachute to his chest he yells, "I'm the Smartest Man in the World! It is imperative that I survive!" and leaps out the door.
The priest helps the boy scout to his feet. "You go ahead, son," he says, "Take the last parachute. I've made my peace."
"We can each have one, father," The boy scout says, shaking his head, "The Smartest Man in the World took my backpack."
Four kids walk into an interview...
Four kids walk into an interview. One is American, one is British, one is African, and one is Chinese. The interviewer asks them all the same question: "In your own opinion, what do you think of the scarcity of food in other countries?" The British kid asks "What is scarcity?" The American kid asks "What are other countries?" The African kid asks "What is food?" And the Chinese kid asks "What is my own opinion?"
Investment Opportunity: You might want to consider getting on board early...
A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.
Kate Middleton has said if she has a boy she will call him by the most popular British boy's name at the moment.
We look forward to the arrival of baby Mohammed.
Apparently Muslims invented the c**....
As it turns out, Muslims in the middle east one day came up with the brilliant idea to use goat intestines as a suitable c**.... It wasn't, however, until in 1827 when the British perfected the idea by taking the intestines *out* of the goat first.
A British man goes on holiday in Australia...
After getting off the plane in Sydney, the man waits to go through Australian customs.
"Do you have anything to declare?" asks the Australian customs officer.
"No" replies the British man.
"Do you have a criminal record?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know that was still a requirement."
A man was drinking in a British pub
...when he noticed two very large women with strong accents. "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?" he asked.
"It's Wales, you idiot" one answered.
"I'm sorry" the man replied. "Are you two whales from Ireland?"
A British soldier meets an Australian soldier on a warzone
**British soldier**: Did you come here to die?
**Australian soldier**: Nah mate, I came here yesterday!
3 spies, a french one, a british one, and an italian one, are captured by al-qaeda...
the terrorists tie each of them up and put the brit and the italian in a locked room. they take the frenchman to a room for 6 hours, torturing information out of him. when they finish with him, they take the brit to the room, who lasts 12 hours. they finally take the italian into the room, but as much as they t**... him, they cant get any information out of him.
the brit and the frenchman ask him how it goes and he says "i couldnt say anything." they ask him why and he says "my hands were tied!"
British clock in german hands
During world war II, a british clock found its way into german hands. The strange thing about this clock was it went tick-tick-tick-tick, instead of tick-tock-tick-tock. The germans could not figure this out.
Finally, it went to the gestapo. Their chief interrogator softly whispered to the clock " We haff ways to make you tock"
A British engineer just opened a buisness in Afganistan.
He is selling landmines that look like prayer mats. When asked how buisness was going he said that prophets are going through the roof.
Two british men are sitting at a bus stop...
When a man, clearly not from their town, comes up towards them.
"Parlez-vous Français?" The man asks the two Brits.
Confused, they stare blankly at the foreigner.
"Hablan ustedes Español?" The man tries again - still no reaction from the two men.
Frustrated, the foreigner tries one more time.
"Sprechen sie Deutsch?"
but the two men at the bus stop still have no clue what he's saying, and the foreigner storms off in a huff.
A couple seconds later, one of the men sitting on the bench turns to the other and says, "We should probably learn a language."
The other man turns to him and says, "Why? He knew three, and it didn't do him any good!"
Why do British prostitutes always carry Vaseline?
Because their lips have so many chaps on them!
NASA CHICKEN CANON
NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.
British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.
When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.
The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
TIL that in 1940 a German U-Boat captain found himself aboard a British vessel.
Whoops, wrong sub.
A British man visits Australia
A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks "Do you have a previous criminal history?"
The visitor replies "I didn't realize that was still a requirement"
A Scotsman invented the first c**.... It was made out of a sheep's intestine.
Not too long after, the British improved on it by first removing the intestine from the sheep.
Two German spies came to English pub during WW II.
One German said to another: "Be careful. Let's pretend that we are British. We should order martini this time, not schnaps". So they requested barman for two martinies.
- Dry martini? - asked barman.
- Warum drei? Zwei!
The Garden of Eden
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're n**..., and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."
Oldest known British Joke from 10th century AD.
What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?
A key
My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?"
I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."
Why is the British weather like Islam?
Because it's either Sunni or s**...'ite
Muslims were the ones that invented the c**....
Muslim's were the ones that invented the c**.... This was well before plastics so they used goat intestines. Then the British came along and stole the idea from the Muslims and improved it by removing the intestines from the goat.
In 1839 an arab man made the first c**...
The c**... was made of goat intestines. In 1844, a British scientist revolutionized the c**... by removing the intestines from the goat first
Girls from England?
A guy walks into a bar and hears two women speaking in a British accent. He asks, "Are you ladies from England?" One says to him "No, it's Wales, you idiot!" So, then the guy says, "Okay, sorry. So, are you two whales from England?"
I regret falling in love with my British girlfriend.
You give your heart to her and she Brexit into a million parts.
Why dont you need birth controls when having s**... with British boys?
They are the earliest to pull out of eu.
TIL the excuse the US Marine used in May 1943 after accidentally friendly fire'ing a British U-boat.
Woops, wrong sub.
An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve
An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden and try to figure out what nationality they are.
The American says, "Look at how free and independent they are, they must be Americans."
The Briton says, "What are you talking about, look at how calm and reserved they are, the are obviously British."
The North Korean says, "You two are both missing the point. They have no clothes, no shelter, they only have and apple to eat between them and yet they are being told that they live in paradise. They're clearly North Korean."
Olympic Results for Sailing are out:
The British have taken the Gold medal.
The French have taken the Silver medal.
The Somalians have taken the boats.
In the 15th century the Arabs invented the c**..., using a goat's lower intestine.
In the 18th century the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
It's WW1 on the straits of Gallipoli, the soldiers are ready to charge from their trenches.
The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"
A British man enters customs at an Australian airport.
The officer asks
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The man looks confused and replies
"No, do I still need one?"
What's the difference between an Ethiopian elevator sign and an British elevator sign?
British sign says " Maximum 6 People/500kg"
Ethiopian sign says "Maximum 500 People/6kg"
Condoms were invented by Arabic-Muslims sometime in the 1400s using lower goat intestine
They were later improved by the British in 1873 by taking the intestine out of the goat first
What does a british real estate agent care most about?
His proper tea
Can you call the British PM a fool?
During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.
The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?
Churchill's reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the Prime Minister a fool", he said, "but for letting out a state secret at a time of war".
A British man is visiting Australia for vacation.
The passport lady at Australian customs asks him, "Have you been convicted of any crimes in the past?"
The Brit replies by asking, "Is it still a requirement?"
In WW2 you could identify which nationality your opponent was from by observing their behaviors
If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British
If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German
If they retreat, they're French
If they switch to your side, they're Italian
If they apologize, they're Canadian
If nothing happens for a few minutes then suddenly your camp is leveled to the ground, they're American
A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...
"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"
The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
I can't believe Prince Harry, who's British royalty, is marrying African American actress Meghan Markle. Why would someone that rich and famous marry an obviously inferior genetic specimen? It's just unthinkable.
Though I suppose if Meghan wants to marry a ginger, it's none of my business.
I spent my whole life being proud of my British heritage until I found out that my Great Grandfather was actually from Transylvania
Now I can't even look myself in the mirror.
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Soviet are asked what nationality Adam and Eve were.
The Brit exclaims They must have been British! Look at how gentlemanly Adam behaved towards Eve. He must have been an Englishman.
Outrageous! Says the Frenchman. They must have been French. Look at the love that they exhibited towards each other! Only the French can love like that.
The Soviet chuckles and says You're both wrong. They must have been Soviet; they had no clothes, no food, and someone in charge was telling them they were in paradise .
In 1272, the Muslims invented the c**..., using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
A British man is visiting Australia.
The man at customs asks him : "Do you have any criminal record?"
he replied : "I didn't know this was still a requirement"
If Liverpool wins, somebody warn the Pope!
1981:
1. A British prince gets married
2. Liverpool wins the Champions League
3. The Pope dies
2005:
1. A British prince gets married
2. Liverpool wins the Champions League
3. The Pope dies
2018:
1. A British prince gets married
2. Liverpool is in the Champions League's final
3.
The French and the British decided to have two cats swim a race across the English Channel...
They named the French cat "un deux t**... cat" and the British, "one two three cat."
Which cat made it across first?
The British cat, because everyone knows that un deux t**... cat cinq.
A Russian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are in an art museum admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the gardens of Eden.
The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says "They look so calm, they must be British!" The Frenchmen responds "no no! They're n**..., so beautiful, they must be French!" The Russian says "They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise? ...They're clearly Russian!"
(Whole thing done in thick fake accents)
A British man arrives in Australia
Customs agent asks him "Do you have a criminal record?"
The British man responds "no, why, is it still necessary?"
A British man takes a sip of his coffee.
And says, This not my cup of tea.
A savage wife
Wife : I am going to London for a month.What should I bring for you?
Husband: A nice British Blonde...
*after 1 month*
Husband : Where is my gift?
Wife : Wait for 9 months.
A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...
...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
A British man is visiting Australia.
The man at customs asks him
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The British man replies
"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."
British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced
British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut out a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. 4 years ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
This 4th of July, the British should celebrate Independence Day too.
Now they feel like they dodged a bullet.
A British man was talking to his friend about his views on Brexit...
"These b**... immigrants come over here. They're up to no good, right? I hate these b**... immigrants. They need to go back to where they came from."
His friend replies with "But why do you hate them so much?"
The British man replies, "I'll tell you why I hate them, I'll tell you why. It's because they're not even trying to be British. That's why. They don't even TRY to be British. They come here, and bring their own b**... culture. They bring their own food, spit their own b**... languages, try to take over the whole b**... place."
His friend replies with "Well, that sounds British to me"
Why i love being Russian
I get to vote in the US election
FYI: I am actually British and never have stepped foot in Russia
My friend was really proud of his British heritage until he found out that his grandfather was from Transylvania.
Now he can't even look at himself in the mirror.
A Brit, A Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit."They must be British"
They pondered this possibility but the Frenchman and the Russians soon shake their heads in disagreement.
"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're n**... and so beautiful, clearly they are French". The Brit and Russian agreed on this point but the Russian soon raises an objection to this.
"No clothes, no shelter and they have only an apple to eat but they're told this is Paradise. They are clearly Russian"
One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".
Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain, Skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair.
And the most British thing of all?
"Suspicious of anything Foreign "
What's something that feels British but isn't?
The contents of the British Museum
Welcome to Australia!
A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"
"Pleasure," he replies.
"Anything to declare?"
"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.
"Do you have a criminal history?"
Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.
"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those"
I took British Airlines to court after losing my luggage.
The judge threw it out because we had no case
