Following is our collection of brexit humor and scottish one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include British puns for adults, dirty allo jokes or clean brit gags for kids.
There is an abundance of londoner jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 79 funniest jokes on british. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any telecom witze you can hear about british.
A tea bag stays in the cup for longer...
Bit of British humour right there ;)
...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"
The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
Because Rick Astley is British.
Because it's either Sunni or Shi'ite
Fission chips.
The man at customs asks him
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The British man replies
"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."
Nobody knows what may happen.
Trump may trump May or May may trump Trump.
because they measure their wealth in pounds
After all, Trump may trump May, or May may trump Trump
During WW II, a man was arrested in London for calling Winston Churchill a fool.
The next day in the House of Commons, the opposition members were ready to roast the government for this. "Are we living in a police state", they shouted, "where we cannot call the PM a fool"?
Churchill's reply was truly disarming - "The man was not arrested for calling the Prime Minister a fool", he said, "but for letting out a state secret at a time of war".
A guy walks into a bar and hears two women speaking in a British accent. He asks, "Are you ladies from England?" One says to him "No, it's Wales, you idiot!" So, then the guy says, "Okay, sorry. So, are you two whales from England?"
Or as the British people now call him, 10,000 pounds.
In 1873, the British refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
Now I can't even look myself in the mirror.
In the 18th century the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
Watts are a unit of electrical energy. Ohms are where British people live.
The only problem is I'm British...
A British man visits Australia. The customs officer asks "Do you have a previous criminal history?"
The visitor replies "I didn't realize that was still a requirement"
1981:
1. A British prince gets married
2. Liverpool wins the Champions League
3. The Pope dies
2005:
1. A British prince gets married
2. Liverpool wins the Champions League
3. The Pope dies
2018:
1. A British prince gets married
2. Liverpool is in the Champions League's final
3.
If they respond to threats with precise rifle shots, they're British
If they respond with heavy machine gun fire, they're German
If they retreat, they're French
If they switch to your side, they're Italian
If they apologize, they're Canadian
If nothing happens for a few minutes then suddenly your camp is leveled to the ground, they're American
I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."
Whoops, wrong sub.
The british officers decides to make a rousing speech to his troops: "Listen here lads, did you come here to die?" and the australian answers "Nah mate, I came 'ere yesterday!"ο»Ώ
British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words.
American English: no u
The passport lady at Australian customs asks him, "Have you been convicted of any crimes in the past?"
The Brit replies by asking, "Is it still a requirement?"
Though I suppose if Meghan wants to marry a ginger, it's none of my business.
Because their lips have so many chaps on them!
**British soldier**: Did you come here to die?
**Australian soldier**: Nah mate, I came here yesterday!
The condom was made of goat intestines. In 1844, a British scientist revolutionized the condom by removing the intestines from the goat first
The man at customs asks him : "Do you have any criminal record?"
he replied : "I didn't know this was still a requirement"
After getting off the plane in Sydney, the man waits to go through Australian customs.
"Do you have anything to declare?" asks the Australian customs officer.
"No" replies the British man.
"Do you have a criminal record?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know that was still a requirement."
The British have taken the Gold medal.
The French have taken the Silver medal.
The Somalians have taken the boats.
They were later improved by the British in 1873 by taking the intestine out of the goat first
No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.
A British Engineer just started his own business in Afghanistan. He's making land mines that look like prayer mats. It's doing very well. He says prophets are going through the roof.
...when he noticed two very large women with strong accents. "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?" he asked.
"It's Wales, you idiot" one answered.
"I'm sorry" the man replied. "Are you two whales from Ireland?"
Four kids walk into an interview. One is American, one is British, one is African, and one is Chinese. The interviewer asks them all the same question: "In your own opinion, what do you think of the scarcity of food in other countries?" The British kid asks "What is scarcity?" The American kid asks "What are other countries?" The African kid asks "What is food?" And the Chinese kid asks "What is my own opinion?"
He Brexit
During world war II, a british clock found its way into german hands. The strange thing about this clock was it went tick-tick-tick-tick, instead of tick-tock-tick-tock. The germans could not figure this out.
Finally, it went to the gestapo. Their chief interrogator softly whispered to the clock " We haff ways to make you tock"
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."
"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."
"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are Russian."
Because they love to drink the t.
The Englishman takes a look at the painting and says "They look so calm, they must be British!" The Frenchmen responds "no no! They're naked, so beautiful, they must be French!" The Russian says "They have no food, no shelter, nothing but an apple to eat, and they are being told this is paradise? ...They're clearly Russian!"
(Whole thing done in thick fake accents)
Wife : I am going to London for a month.What should I bring for you?
Husband: A nice British Blonde...
*after 1 month*
Husband : Where is my gift?
Wife : Wait for 9 months.
The man at customs asks him
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The British man replies
"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."
Woops, wrong sub.
We look forward to the arrival of baby Mohammed.
British sign says " Maximum 6 People/500kg"
Ethiopian sign says "Maximum 500 People/6kg"
As it turns out, Muslims in the middle east one day came up with the brilliant idea to use goat intestines as a suitable condom. It wasn't, however, until in 1827 when the British perfected the idea by taking the intestines *out* of the goat first.
British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut out a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. 4 years ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
The officer asks
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The man looks confused and replies
"No, do I still need one?"
Muslim's were the ones that invented the condom. This was well before plastics so they used goat intestines. Then the British came along and stole the idea from the Muslims and improved it by removing the intestines from the goat.
He is selling landmines that look like prayer mats. When asked how buisness was going he said that prophets are going through the roof.
His proper tea
NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.
British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.
When the cannon goes off, the engineers stand shocked as the chicken crashes into the shatterproof shield, smashes it to smithereens, blasts through the control console, snaps the pilot's backrest in two, and embeds itself in the back wall of the cabin.
The horrified Brits send the Americans a report of the disastrous results, along with an urgent request for suggests on improving the windshield design.
The American engineers respond with a one-line memo: "Thaw the chicken."
The Brit exclaims They must have been British! Look at how gentlemanly Adam behaved towards Eve. He must have been an Englishman.
Outrageous! Says the Frenchman. They must have been French. Look at the love that they exhibited towards each other! Only the French can love like that.
The Soviet chuckles and says You're both wrong. They must have been Soviet; they had no clothes, no food, and someone in charge was telling them they were in paradise .
They named the French cat "un deux trois cat" and the British, "one two three cat."
Which cat made it across first?
The British cat, because everyone knows that un deux trois cat cinq.
the terrorists tie each of them up and put the brit and the italian in a locked room. they take the frenchman to a room for 6 hours, torturing information out of him. when they finish with him, they take the brit to the room, who lasts 12 hours. they finally take the italian into the room, but as much as they torture him, they cant get any information out of him.
the brit and the frenchman ask him how it goes and he says "i couldnt say anything." they ask him why and he says "my hands were tied!"
Not too long after, the British improved on it by first removing the intestine from the sheep.
On the plane are The President of the United States, The British Prime Minister, the smartest man in the world, a priest and a boy scout. The pilot announces over the intercom: "People, we regret to inform you that we are going to crash. Fortunately, there are 6 parachutes available."
Before anyone can respond, the pilot and copilot dash out of the cabin, each grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. The 5 passengers look at each other, realize there's only 4 parachutes left, then make a mad dash for them. A giant fight ensues as everyone struggles to grab a parachute.
The President snags one and declares, "I *must* live! I'm the President of the United States!" before jumping out of the plane.
The Prime Minister grabs a chute and yells, "*I* must live! I'm the Prime Minister!"
The Smartest Man in the World and the boy scout get into a tussle, ending with the Smartest Man in the World shoving the boy scout to the floor. Hugging the parachute to his chest he yells, "I'm the Smartest Man in the World! It is imperative that I survive!" and leaps out the door.
The priest helps the boy scout to his feet. "You go ahead, son," he says, "Take the last parachute. I've made my peace."
"We can each have one, father," The boy scout says, shaking his head, "The Smartest Man in the World took my backpack."
And says, This not my cup of tea.
An American, a Briton, and a North Korean look at a picture of Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden and try to figure out what nationality they are.
The American says, "Look at how free and independent they are, they must be Americans."
The Briton says, "What are you talking about, look at how calm and reserved they are, the are obviously British."
The North Korean says, "You two are both missing the point. They have no clothes, no shelter, they only have and apple to eat between them and yet they are being told that they live in paradise. They're clearly North Korean."
They left E U
When a man, clearly not from their town, comes up towards them.
"Parlez-vous Français?" The man asks the two Brits.
Confused, they stare blankly at the foreigner.
"Hablan ustedes EspaΓ±ol?" The man tries again - still no reaction from the two men.
Frustrated, the foreigner tries one more time.
"Sprechen sie Deutsch?"
but the two men at the bus stop still have no clue what he's saying, and the foreigner storms off in a huff.
A couple seconds later, one of the men sitting on the bench turns to the other and says, "We should probably learn a language."
The other man turns to him and says, "Why? He knew three, and it didn't do him any good!"
They drank it
You give your heart to her and she Brexit into a million parts.
They are the earliest to pull out of eu.
A British fighter pilot was shot down over German occupied airspace and was captured by the Nazis on the ground. He was beaten up pretty bad in the dogfight and parachute landing, and they had to amputate his leg, so he begged them "Please, if you have to take my leg, can you drop it over my base the next time you send a bombing mission?"
The Nazis figured there was no harm in it and the leg was dropped in the next raid.
A week later, his other leg succumbed to his injuries and had to be amputated, and again, he asked his captors to drop in over the base on the next raid, and again they obliged.
The next week his arm succumbed to injuries and it was amputated. Again, he asked the German guards to have it dropped over his base on the next raid. The German barked at him "Nein!"
The pilot asked, "Why not? You've done it before!"
"We think you are trying to escape!"
British prostitutes are expensive.
Customs agent asks him "Do you have a criminal record?"
The British man responds "no, why, is it still necessary?"
One German said to another: "Be careful. Let's pretend that we are British. We should order martini this time, not schnaps". So they requested barman for two martinies.
- Dry martini? - asked barman.
- Warum drei? Zwei!
A British guy, a French guy, and a Korean guy got stranded on an island. The British guy decided it would be best for them to split up and meet back the next day. He told the other two that he would build a shelter, and told the French guy to gather food and the Korean guy to get supplies. The next day, the British guy had an impressive shelter built and the French guy showed up with berries and nuts, but there was no sign of the Korean guy. Days passed, and they began to get worried, so they set off in search of him. They walked through the jungle for three days without any sign of the Korean guy. Then on the fourth day, as they were about to give up hope, the Korean guy suddenly popped out from behind a rock and yelled "supplies!"
What hangs at a man's thigh and wants to poke the hole that it's often poked before?
A key
Luggage in Tokyo.
Their chapstick.
but I kept falling in the sink!
(thank you, british uncle ken for that dry humor)
He heard it was a fast way to lose pounds.
Following World War II, a general and his lieutenant boarded a British train. They sat across from an attractive young lady and her grandmother. As the train departed, it entered a long tunnel. Total darkness encompassed the train for approximately thirty seconds. In the darkness of those moments, the passengers heard two things - a kiss and a slap. Everyone on board had his or her own outlook of what happened. For example . . .
The young lady assumed to herself, "While I'm flattered that the handsome lieutenant kissed me, I'm embarrassed that my grandmother slapped him."
The grandmother supposed, "I'm disappointed with the lieutenant, but I'm proud that my granddaughter had the courage to hit him."
The general thought, "What in the world . . . why did my lieutenant kiss that civilian young lady and why did she slap me by mistake?"
The lieutenant was the only person on that train who really knew what happened. In that brief period of total darkness, he had the opportunity to kiss an attractive young lady, as well as slap a general.
The British cop says "they might take away our tasers because they sometimes kill people"
The American Cop says "sometimes? seems inneficient"
Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.