British English Jokes
23 british english jokes and hilarious british english puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about british english that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest British English Short Jokes
Short british english jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The british english humour may include short english people jokes also.
- Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words.
American English: no u - If the British empire spoke queens English does that mean.. The Americans spoke rebels tongues.
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British English One Liners
Which british english one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with british english? I can suggest the ones about english new and english speaking.
- British English has only three vowels : A, I , O. They have left E.U.
- How does an english airplane breathe? Through its british airways, of course
- What do you call a British woman with a yeast infection? An English muffin
- I dated a british girl once who was a bit overweight. She had an english muffin top.
Amusing & Witty British English Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
What funny jokes about british english you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean american english jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make british english pranks.
Two German spies came to English pub during WW II.
One German said to another: "Be careful. Let's pretend that we are British. We should order martini this time, not schnaps". So they requested barman for two martinies.
- Dry martini? - asked barman.
- Warum drei? Zwei!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A British man and an Indian man were talking about arranged marriage.
English man: How could you marry a woman
before knowing her?
Indian man: How could you marry a woman
AFTER knowing her?
In a British bar,
a discussion about arranged marriages took place as follows:
English gentleman: How could you marry a woman before knowing her?
Indian man: How could you marry a woman AFTER knowing her?
End of the discussion.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between British English and Australian English?
British English: b**... h**...!
Australian English: ¡llǝɥ ʎpoolq
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A french, an english and a german general are talking about submarine technology
The French general tells them their submarines can stay underwater for three days.
The British says theirs can stay submerged for 180 days
Suddenly a submarine comes up. A man comes out and shouts: "SIEG HEIL. Wir brauchen Sprit!"
An American and Australian are arguing over the spelling of 'jail'
Aussie says, 'Look mate, it's spelt G-A-O-L, that's the original correct spelling used by the English.'
The American looks over to their British buddy, 'Sort this out for us will ya, how did you learn to spell it?'
'A-U-S-T-R-A-L-I-A'.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did you hear about the k**... whelk?
It pulled a mussel.
This doesn't work in American English.
In British slang, if you chat someone up and they like you, you have *pulled*.
Sorry I failed!
An English man, American, Chinese man, and a Jewish man are on a plane...
Out of nowhere the American punches the Chinese man. the British man asks, "what was that for?"
"Pearl Harbour!" exclaims the American. "That was the Japanese?" says the British man.
"Chinese, Japanese, They're all the same!"
Suddenly the British man punches the Jewish man. The American asks, "what was that for?"
"Titanic!" exclaims the British man. "That was an Iceberg?" says the American.
"Icebergs, Goldbergs, They're all the same!"
Uniform colors
A British Officer is captured during the French-English wars. During a lull in the questioning, the French Officer asks:
"You know? I've always wondered why it is, that you English insist upon wearing these ridiculous, red costumes?"
The British Officer, immediately stiffens up and replies:
"Sir! I will have you know that British Officers wear Red uniforms, as to not instill fear in the men, in the event that one is shot, or otherwise wounded."
From that day forwards French Officers were known to have worn brown pants
On a dark and stormy night...
...a comet flies past Earth. This comet was enchanted, and after it flew past the world, it caused all statues to come to life, solely focused on destroying every country in the world.
No nation was left safe from this attack. The gargoyles attacked France. The Statue of Liberty led a revolt against America. Michelangelo's David led the charge towards Italy.
As the war of human versus statue waged on, a group went into the United Kingdom, led by the Venus de Milo, intent on overthrowing the English government.
However, as the statues were ready to attack, the British generals noticed something. None of the statues had any weapons! No guns, knives, armor, anything.
After this realization, one British general turns to another, points at the leader of the statues and says,
"Don't worry; she's 'armless."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There's this British RAF pilot in WW2, and he's been captured by the Germans....
the k**... have him t**... and they're interrogating him.
"Tell us about your seekret plans, or vee vill cut off your leg!"
The Pilot, dashing and resolute, refuses, but before they cut off his leg, he asks them to please drop it over England on their next b**... raid, so it can rest in peace. The Germans try again, furious at his determination:
"Tell us about your nation's seekret plans, or vee vill cut off your other leg!"
The Pilot again heroically refuses, but once more requests that they drop the amputated limb over England on a b**... raid. The German interrogators are really angry now, and the Officer is apoplectic:
"You vill tell us all of your country's seekret plans, or vee vill beat you, and cut off your arms, miserable English svine!"
The Pilot, as much a stalwart as ever, refuses. "But please", he adds, "For my honour, take my dismembered arms and drop them over England on your next raid".
"NO!" The German replies, "Vee sink you are trying to escape!"
The wire brush
One of the few genuinely funny jokes I know that I originally learned in English:
During World War I, a British general is visiting an Army hospital. He shakes the hand of one soldier, who is lying in bed.
"What's wrong with you, son?"
"Gonorrhea, Sir!"
"What is the treatment for gonorrhea in the British Army?"
"The wire brush, Sir!"
"What is your fondest desire?"
"To recover and to serve the King and the country, Sir!"
The general then turns to another soldier.
"What's wrong with you, son?"
"Hemorrhoids, Sir!"
"What is the treatment for hemorrhoids in the British Army?"
"The wire brush, Sir!"
"What is your fondest desire?"
"To recover and to serve the King and the country, Sir!"
The general then turns to a third soldier.
"What's wrong with you, son?"
(softly) "Laryngitis, Sir!"
"What is the treatment for laryngitis in the British Army?"
(softly) "The wire brush, Sir!"
"I see that you have difficulty speaking. Is it true that your fondest desire is to recover and to serve the King and the country?"
(softly) "Nay, Sir. It is to grab the wire brush before the others, Sir."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1) How many actors does it take to change a lightbulb? 10, one to change the light buld and the other 9 to say "that should be me up there"
2) How many g**... does it take to screw in a lightbulb? one but it takes a whole emergancy room to screw it back out again
3) How many English men does it take to change a lightbulb? 2, One to climb the British standard safety ladder while wearing a high vis jacket and hard hat while the other one carries out a whole risk assessmennt and cancels the operation as it is deemed unsafe.
4) How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Ve are asking ze qvestions here!
5) How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb? 250,000. One to change the lightbulb and 249,999 to debate whether it was politically correct.