britain Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious britain puns

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?


A: 1 GB



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If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1GB

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The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

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Why does Britain like tea so much?

Because tea leaves.

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Britain says...

See eu later

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My grandad was a WWII veteran. In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing a total of 32 Nazi aviators.

He was easily the worst aircraft mechanic the Luftwaffe has ever had.

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Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still...

(β€’_β€’)

( β€’_β€’)>βŒβ– -β– 

(βŒβ– _β– )

In *da* pendent

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My Grandad was a WWII veteran.

In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing 32 Nazi aviators.
Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

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How much free space does the EU have since Great Britain left?

1 GB

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Britain will be just fine...

you always lose a few Pounds after a breakup.

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Britain should have written a break up note

"It's not EU, it's me"

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Why is India surprised by the Brexit vote?

They didn't know you could get Britain to leave by voting.

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Why was Portugal the best colonial power?

Spain had thousands of colonists, Britain had millions, but Portugal had BRAZILIANS.

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Trump cancelled his trip to Britain because he doesn't want to go anywhere he doesn't feel welcome...

So what's he still doing in the white house?

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Britain has invented a new missile

It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.

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With the Brexit vote being compared to the Presidential election, I have only one thing to say

Make America Great Britain again!

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Britain is the best place for foodies.

You loose pounds everytime you eat

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A man walks into a pub in Wales....

And sees two overweight women sitting at the bar. He approaches them, and asks Are you two girls from Britain? . To this, one of the women reply sternly It's Wales you idiot! . So, the man excuses himself, and asks them again: Sorry, are you two whales from Britain?

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Beer is good.


After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

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The US should rejoin Great Britain

Its not like we mind Taxation without representation anymore.

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Vacation in Britain gone wrong

An american man was vacationing around Britain, visiting all the larger cities.

One night he found himself in a bar in Cardiff, having a few drinks and planning out how to spend the next couple of days of his vacation. But he had forgotten his guidebook. So he looked around to see if anyone could help him out.

There weren't many people in the bar. But there were two rather heavy women sitting at a table chatting. So he walked up to them, and asked if they had any tips.
"Excuse me, do either of you ladies know any good tourist spots here in England?"

The two women looked annoyed at the man, and one of them responded, "It's Wales you idiot!"

"I'm sorry, do either of you whales know any good tourist spots in England?"
..And he spent the rest of his vacation at a Hospital.

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Why are there no penguins in Britain?

They're scared of Wales.

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Trumpcare

A British doctor brags to colleagues: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we removed a man's backbone, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for work."

The German surgeon replies; In Germany we removed a section of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he too is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took a beating heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he started a new job."

The American doctor sighs, saying; "You are all still behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no backbone and he got a job overnight, as our President."

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A Conversation Between Countries

Britain: we pulled the dumbest political shit this year

America: *uuurp* hold my beer

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Just imagine Great Britain without tea...

Grea Briain

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Olympics / opening ceremony jokes

Credit where credit's due - I got these from Sickipedia. I'm brand new here but I gather these would be appreciated...

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I certainly enjoyed the opening ceremony which displayed the history of the early 20th century Britain.

I can't wait until the games are held in Germany.

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So in the Olympic Opening Ceremony, British athletes can walk behind a bloke carrying the Union Jack and everyone cheers...

...But when the BNP do it it's frowned upon.

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My mate asked me: "What is the shortest race in the Olympics?"

After thinking for a few minutes, I came up with an answer:

"Chinese," I replied.

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I'm entering the Masturbation Tournament in the Olympics this year.

Very stiff competition though.

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As I watched the woman's football today, my wife proudly quipped, "This just shows you how far the Olympics have come, women excelling at men's sports. What do you think this means?"

I don't think "22 blokes are forced to get a take-away tonight" was the answer she was looking for.

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Well done Danny Boyle. Nothing says "London" better than youths setting fire to stuff.

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7 years the London Olympics have been in the making.

Never has it taken so long for a large number of foreigners to enter the country.

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A man and a woman go out to dinner...

This is during the time the Mad Cow disease ravished Britain. A man and a woman are sitting at a table when the waiter approaches them, asking "what would you like for dinner?"

The man replies, I'll have a fat juicy steak, medium rare with all the trimmings. Gravy and roast potatoes please. The waiter asks "what about the mad cow?"

To which the man replies
"Nahh she'll just have fish"

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Why is Iraq like the weather in Britain?

Because it's either Sunni or Shiite

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If Britain has Brexit...

Did the Czech Republic check-out?

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My grandfather was a World War 2 Vet

In a single day during the Battle of Britain he was responsible for the destruction of 8 German aircraft killing 32 German airmen.


Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe had ever had.

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Britain: American English is stupid, you can't even spell colour right.

America: No u.

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Shall I wear pants to work?

A young woman was applying for a teaching position in Britain and, while talking to an HR guy asked him:
Am I supposed to wear a skirt all the time or shall I sometimes wear pants?
After a few seconds of silence the HR guy responded:
If you mean pants that are trousers then yes. Of course you can wear them to work. If you mean pants that are underwear… Well… It's up to you.

P. S. That really happened to a friend of mine.

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I failed my Biology test yesterday

I was asked to name a parasite currently living in Britain.

Apparently 'Muslims' isn't the correct answer.

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To the "Remain" crowd in Britain... come to Canada!

Half of the US is moving here soon anyhow.

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Two Muslim beggars

Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars in Great Britain. Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend. Hamid only brings in Β£ 2 or Β£ 3 a day. Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of Β£10 notes everyday. Ahmed says, Look at your sign.

It says, I have no work, a wife and seven kids to support. Britons who see that do not feel as if they have accomplished anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family. Now look at my sign. So Hamid looks and Ahmed's sign reads: I need only another Β£10 to move to Pakistan.

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What are the most funny Britain jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Britain? Well, here are the best Britain dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Britain pick up lines to share with friends.

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