The Best 90 Britain Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Britain jokes. There are some britain brussels jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these britain only in britain puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Britain Jokes and Puns
Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?
A: 1 GB
If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?
1GB
Beer is good.
After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
They're scared of Wales.
A man and a woman go out to dinner...
This is during the time the Mad Cow disease ravished Britain. A man and a woman are sitting at a table when the waiter approaches them, asking "what would you like for dinner?"
The man replies, I'll have a fat juicy steak, medium rare with all the trimmings. Gravy and roast potatoes please. The waiter asks "what about the mad cow?"
To which the man replies
"Nahh she'll just have fish"
Shall I wear pants to work?
A young woman was applying for a teaching position in Britain and, while talking to an HR guy asked him:
Am I supposed to wear a skirt all the time or shall I sometimes wear pants?
After a few seconds of silence the HR guy responded:
If you mean pants that are trousers then yes. Of course you can wear them to work. If you mean pants that are underwear… Well… It's up to you.
P. S. That really happened to a friend of mine.
America has deployed a crack team of specialists over to Nigeria to try and find the missing school girls.
Britain had sent Stuart Hall, Rolf Harris and Max Clifford.
Why did Hitler delay the invasion of Britain?
The weather called for *Heil*
An Israeli man visits Britain
An Israeli man visits Britain. The customs officer asks "Occupation?"
"No, just visiting."
For some reason, Spanish-speaking visitors to Britain think we worship flight attendants...
I suppose it's understandable given that our national airline is called British Héroes.
Britain has invented a new missile
It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.
You can explore britain czechout reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean britain serbia dad jokes. There are also britain puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
The fattest man in Britain has sadly died.
Cremation will be held at 12PM on Wednesday.....
and Thursday.....
and Friday.
Hey England, Happy Fourh of July!!!
Britain: "What happened to the T?"
America: "We threw it in the Harbor!"
Just imagine Great Britain without tea...
Grea Briain
So I was at this little pub in Great Britain.....
I notice these two women, both cute but a bit chubby.
I approached the girls and asked "Are you two ladies from Scotland"?, to which the heftier one replied "It's Wales you idiot"!
Taken a bit aback by this, I replied "Oh, sorry. Are you two Whales from Scotland"?
The shortage of transplant kidneys in Britain is pretty bad
But at least they have a liver pool.
Britain says...
See eu later
Britain will be just fine...
you always lose a few Pounds after a breakup.
To the "Remain" crowd in Britain... come to Canada!
Half of the US is moving here soon anyhow.
Britain should have written a break up note
"It's not EU, it's me"
Why is India surprised by the Brexit vote?
They didn't know you could get Britain to leave by voting.
Britain can now say....
...Its pull out game is strong!
Great Britains new Prime Minister
Did you see that Boris Johnson might be the next Prime Minister of Great Britain? I remember when the U.S. had a BJ in the top office!
Now that Britain has left the EU, you'll need a Visa to get in and around
...for everything else, there's Mastercard.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
Which athletes will not get Zika at Rio 2016?
Those on Team Great Britain, because they'll leave.
Now the UK is out of the EU we can ban pre-shredded cheese.
Make Britain grate again.
What's the difference between Britain and Australia?
When one votes, it changes something, making things worse. When another votes, it doesn't change anything, making things worse.
Here in Britain, we've got May & Hammond in the Government now -
All we need is Clarkson and we've got Top Gear back again.
A man invested in a weight loss diet from Britain
He lost 10,000 pounds! But it didn't work
I failed my Biology test yesterday
I was asked to name a parasite currently living in Britain.
Apparently 'Muslims' isn't the correct answer.
International Contest
Great Britain and the USA are having a contest about who can mess up their country the most. Britain is leading, but the USA have a Trump card.
US follows Britain
BRITAIN: "Hey, America, watch this!"
*BRITAIN SETS ITSELF ON FIRE*
USA: "Cool. Can I borrow your lighter?"
With the Brexit vote being compared to the Presidential election, I have only one thing to say
Make America Great Britain again!
What do you call the Dollar Tree stores in Britain?
Pound Town
Everyone says Britain is getting more and more Islamised.
I mean I can see it in the weather, I mean.. sometimes it's Sunni sometimes it's Shi'ite.
The US should rejoin Great Britain
Its not like we mind Taxation without representation anymore.
Britain is the best place for foodies.
You loose pounds everytime you eat
In America, everything is opposite of Britain
For example:
In Britain, people drive on the left
In America, they drive on the right
In Britain, you watch the TV
In America, the TV watches you
Britain is a country whose half the population are fools
I'm sorry! I apologize.
Half of the population are not fools.
How much free space does the EU have since Great Britain left?
1 GB
The World Map has been revised; The North and South poles are where you'd expect, but...
...all the other Poles are in Britain.
I think I might move to Great Britain in a few years.
I've always wanted to live in a live recreation of 1984.
Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still...
(•_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
In *da* pendent
If Britain has Brexit...
Did the Czech Republic check-out?
Why do Americans pronounce 'solder' as 'sodder'?
Because they gave Britain the L in 1776
My grandfather was a World War 2 Vet
In a single day during the Battle of Britain he was responsible for the destruction of 8 German aircraft killing 32 German airmen.
Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe had ever had.
Why was Portugal the best colonial power?
Spain had thousands of colonists, Britain had millions, but Portugal had BRAZILIANS.
A man walks into a pub in Wales....
And sees two overweight women sitting at the bar. He approaches them, and asks Are you two girls from Britain? . To this, one of the women reply sternly It's Wales you idiot! . So, the man excuses himself, and asks them again: Sorry, are you two whales from Britain?
Trump cancelled his trip to Britain because he doesn't want to go anywhere he doesn't feel welcome...
So what's he still doing in the white house?
What do you call an enchilada in Britain?
A centimeterlada
Why is it spelled "Cancelled" if you're British but "Canceled" if you're American?
Because America gave Britain that L in 1783
Ultimatum
Vladimir Putin gave Great Britain 24 hours to explain the death of Stephen Hawking.
How do you get 127000 new followers?
Try with free speech in Britain.
Britain: American English is stupid, you can't even spell colour right.
America: No u.
Many countries make prisoners do labour that's of no use to anyone.
In Britain, prisoners would climb a treadwheel that turned a fan.
In Russia, prisoners would break rocks in the Siberian wasteland.
And in Germany, prisoners are forced to fit the blinkers to BMW cars.
What's the most common type of owl in Great Britain?
Teatowel.
Sorry if you've heard or seen this before on here; I've not and I'm unable to search because I'm using the mobile sitem
Why they hire idiots in Russian military intelligence?
Well, they used to hire smart people, but those would go to Great Britain, capitulate and stay there to live.
An American is moving to Britain...
...So he decides to learn the british way of spelling things. So he spoke to a Brit he knew and he was told the following:
"So: Color turns into colour. Harbor turns into harbour. honor becomes honour. Starting to notice a pattern?"
So he writes an e-mail to his new boss:
"Good mourning sir....
Q- Do you know how much weight would Great Britain lose if it went through with the Brexit?
A lot of pounds.
A Russian man is travelling across Britain
A Russian man is travelling across Britain , he pops to a corner shop and buys some British Snacks to try. He takes the food to the Till and the cashier says: that'll be £12,50 please. To which the Russian replies Vat?
Oh that's already taken care of mate.
A British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...
...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
Hey baby, are you Britain?
Cos you're uncomfortably wet and can't decide if you want to be in or out
What's the most beautiful sight to behold in Britain?
The platform for the Eurostar to Paris.
In Britain they have schools
In America they have shooting ranges
Note: this 'joke' was told to me today as a 'true statistical fact' and I just wanted to get your opinion not meant to offend anyone
Q: With Britain likely to leave EU, how much space will be freed?
1 GB
How much storage frees up when Great Britain leaves the EU?
1 GB
Why Americans don't need to feel bad when they are criticized by the British
Sometimes I hear people from Great Britain talk about how bad the education is in The US. I do get a little offended, but then I realize they are just salty because we beat them in The Civil War.
Why do Americans pronounce Britain wrong?
We started omitting the t after we threw it in the ocean
Why dont you ever see penguins in Great Britain?
Because theyre scared of Wales
Why don't Americans spell color like colour?
It was their way of telling Great Britain that they don't need u.
I've heard that the best deals on plastic surgery can be found in Great Britain...
...pound for pound.
Everyone in Britain prefers brushes over vacuum cleaners when it comes to tidying their floors.
Sorry if that's a sweeping generalisation.
British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced
British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut out a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. 4 years ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
Accent humour, mate!
It's the year 2022, WWIII has started. 1st world countries vs 2nd world countries and Middle East. Britain asks for reinforcement from Australia. The Australian regiment arrives and next morning starts preparing while the British Commander enters and starts increasing the army's morale:
British Commander: Did you came here *to die*?
Australian Soldier: No sir, we came here *yester-die*.
This is not a racist joke, i will use France, you can put whichever country you like instead
First, God created Britain, then the British.
After Britain, God created Spain, then the Spanish.
After Spain, God created France. The British and Spanish objected because France was much more beautiful than their countries.
Then God created the French.
I hear the best deals on lipo-suction can be found in Great Britain...
...Pound for pound.
In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen.
And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.
What's the largest export of Great Britain?
Independence days
If Britain lost the second World War...
Would the Prime Minister be known as Loseton Churchill?
What do you call a dirt-cheap brothel in Britain?
Pound town
Britain checkmated the world this week with..
Queen to G7
Why does Britain only have 25 letters in the Alphabet?
Because America destroyed their T
A supposedly true story
One day, in Great Britain, two Muslim schoolgirls were chatting away to each other in a foreign language on a public bus. The man sitting in front of them turned around and said, "This is England. Speak English." The woman in front of him turned around and said, "Actually, this is Wales and they're speaking Welsh."
In Britain we call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".
I guess we're just raised differently.
Around 1900, in a school in Austria
The 11-12 year olds were quizzed on European capitals. Teacher asks boy:
What is the capital of Germany? "Berlin!"
What is the capital of France? "Berlin!"
What is the capital of Great Britain? "Berlin!"
Teacher: No son, you failed and were wrong on 2 out of the 3, what was your name again?
"Adolph!"
Why did Britain change its name to Brian?
Because those dang colonists got rid of their tea.
When the Romans landed in Britain...
When the Romans landed in Britain,
The weather proved a teaser!
The emperor asked "Could this be rain?",
But the answer was "Hail, Caesar"
In America, great big massive storms are called Hurricanes
In India they're called Cyclones
In Japan they're called Typhoons
In Britain they're called Wednesdays
So Putin decides to change Russia's Identity
He calls the Queen of Great Britain for advice.
Putin - "Queen Elizabeth, I'd like to have Russia be a Kingdom. I feel it would give it the gravitas it deserves"
The Queen - "But Vladimir, you need to have a king to be a Kingdom"
Putin - "Well what about a Principality then?"
The Queen - "No Vladimir, you need a prince to have a Principality"
Putin - "Then I'm at a loss, what should Russia be"
The Queen - "I think you are quite suited to be a Country, wouldn't you agree"
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the britain brexit jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working britain brit piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.