Britain Jokes

122 britain jokes and hilarious britain puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about britain that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

A collection of jokes all related to Britain, such as, "What did England and the Czech Republic have in common? They both had the backbone to stand up to Europe!" Discover British humour and how it can insulate Britain's people, culture and even their battles, like the Battle of Britain.

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Funniest Britain Short Jokes

Short britain jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The britain humour may include short only in britain jokes also.

  1. In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen. And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.
  2. In Britain we call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator". I guess we're just raised differently.
  3. Why is India surprised by the Brexit vote? They didn't know you could get Britain to leave by voting.
  4. Why was Portugal the best colonial power? Spain had thousands of colonists, Britain had millions, but Portugal had BRAZILIANS.
  5. Trump cancelled his trip to Britain because he doesn't want to go anywhere he doesn't feel welcome... So what's he still doing in the white house?
  6. With the Brexit vote being compared to the Presidential election, I have only one thing to say Make America Great Britain again!
  7. Britain has invented a new missile It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.
  8. The US should rejoin Great Britain Its not like we mind Taxation without representation anymore.
  9. My grandfather would be very happy with what Boris Johnson's leadership has done to Britain. But then again, he was in the SS.
  10. I failed my Biology test yesterday I was asked to name a parasite currently living in Britain.
    Apparently 'Muslims' isn't the correct answer.

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Britain One Liners

Which britain one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with britain? I can suggest the ones about referendum and immigration.

  1. Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?
    A: 1 GB
  2. If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up? 1GB
  3. Why does Britain like tea so much? Because tea leaves.
  4. Britain says... See eu later
  5. What's the largest export of Great Britain? Independence days
  6. How much free space does the EU have since Great Britain left? 1 GB
  7. Britain just checkmated the world... With Queen to G7.
  8. Britain will be just fine... you always lose a few Pounds after a breakup.
  9. Britain should have written a break up note "It's not EU, it's me"
  10. Britain checkmated the world this week with.. Queen to G7
  11. Britain is the best place for foodies. You loose pounds everytime you eat
  12. Why are there no penguins in Britain? They're scared of Wales.
  13. Just imagine Great Britain without tea... Grea Briain
  14. Q: With Britain likely to leave EU, how much space will be freed? 1 GB
  15. If Britain has Brexit... Did the Czech Republic check-out?

Only In Britain Jokes

Here is a list of funny only in britain jokes and even better only in britain puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Why don't Americans spell color like colour? It was their way of telling Great Britain that they don't need u.
  • Why dont you ever see penguins in Great Britain? Because theyre scared of Wales
  • To the "Remain" crowd in Britain... come to Canada! Half of the US is moving here soon anyhow.
  • I hear the new PM has a bold plan to solve Britain's energy woes Gaslighting.
  • Hey England, Happy Fourh of July!!! Britain: "What happened to the T?"
    America: "We threw it in the Harbor!"
  • Everyone in Britain prefers brushes over vacuum cleaners when it comes to tidying their floors. Sorry if that's a sweeping generalisation.
  • A man invested in a weight loss diet from Britain He lost 10,000 pounds! But it didn't work
  • Why did Britain change its name to Brian? Because those dang colonists got rid of their tea.
  • Why does Britain only have 25 letters in the Alphabet? Because America destroyed their T
  • Thinking about how much weight I've put on over the pandemic, I can't help wishing that I stayed in Britain… I'd eat pizza every day and I'd just keep losing pounds.

Great Britain Jokes

Here is a list of funny great britain jokes and even better great britain puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How much storage frees up when Great Britain leaves the EU? 1 GB
  • Great Britains new Prime Minister Did you see that Boris Johnson might be the next Prime Minister of Great Britain? I remember when the U.S. had a BJ in the top office!
  • Why they hire idiots in Russian military intelligence? Well, they used to hire smart people, but those would go to Great Britain, capitulate and stay there to live.
  • International Contest Great Britain and the USA are having a contest about who can mess up their country the most. Britain is leading, but the USA have a Trump card.
  • I think I might move to Great Britain in a few years. I've always wanted to live in a live recreation of 1984.
  • In America, great big massive storms are called Hurricanes In India they're called Cyclones
    In Japan they're called Typhoons
    In Britain they're called Wednesdays
  • Ultimatum Vladimir Putin gave Great Britain 24 hours to explain the death of Stephen Hawking.
  • What's the most common type of owl in Great Britain? Teatowel.
    Sorry if you've heard or seen this before on here; I've not and I'm unable to search because I'm using the mobile sitem
  • I hear the best deals on lipo-suction can be found in Great Britain... ...Pound for pound.
  • I've heard that the best deals on plastic surgery can be found in Great Britain... ...pound for pound.
Britain joke, I've heard that the best deals on plastic surgery can be found in Great Britain...

Britain Talent Jokes

Here is a list of funny britain talent jokes and even better britain talent puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I have never cared for talent shows like America's Got Talent, Britain's Got Talent, etc. I think its all staged.
  • One comedian on Britain's got talent brought on wrapped boxes. He said he wanted to have on stage presence.
  • The dog from Britain's Got Talent has died R.I.P Amanda
Britain joke, The dog from Britain's Got Talent has died

Witty Britain Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun with Friends

What funny jokes about britain you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean foreigner jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make britain pranks.

Beer is good.

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

A man and a woman go out to dinner...

This is during the time the Mad Cow disease ravished Britain. A man and a woman are sitting at a table when the waiter approaches them, asking "what would you like for dinner?"
The man replies, I'll have a fat juicy steak, medium rare with all the trimmings. Gravy and roast potatoes please. The waiter asks "what about the mad cow?"
To which the man replies
"Nahh she'll just have fish"

Shall I wear pants to work?

A young woman was applying for a teaching position in Britain and, while talking to an HR guy asked him:
Am I supposed to wear a skirt all the time or shall I sometimes wear pants?
After a few seconds of silence the HR guy responded:
If you mean pants that are trousers then yes. Of course you can wear them to work. If you mean pants that are underwear… Well… It's up to you.
P. S. That really happened to a friend of mine.

An Israeli man visits Britain

An Israeli man visits Britain. The customs officer asks "Occupation?"
"No, just visiting."

For some reason, Spanish-speaking visitors to Britain think we worship flight attendants...

I suppose it's understandable given that our national airline is called British Héroes.

The fattest man in Britain has sadly died.

Cremation will be held at 12PM on Wednesday.....
and Thursday.....
and Friday.

So I was at this little pub in Great Britain.....

I notice these two women, both cute but a bit chubby.
I approached the girls and asked "Are you two ladies from Scotland"?, to which the heftier one replied "It's Wales you idiot"!
Taken a bit aback by this, I replied "Oh, sorry. Are you two Whales from Scotland"?

The shortage of transplant kidneys in Britain is pretty bad

But at least they have a liver pool.

Britain can now say....

...Its pull out game is strong!

Which athletes will not get Zika at Rio 2016?

Those on Team Great Britain, because they'll leave.

Now the UK is out of the EU we can ban pre-shredded cheese.

Make Britain grate again.

What's the difference between Britain and Australia?

When one votes, it changes something, making things worse. When another votes, it doesn't change anything, making things worse.

Here in Britain, we've got May & Hammond in the Government now -

All we need is Clarkson and we've got Top Gear back again.

US follows Britain

BRITAIN: "Hey, America, watch this!"
USA: "Cool. Can I borrow your lighter?"

What do you call the Dollar Tree stores in Britain?


Everyone says Britain is getting more and more Islamised.

I mean I can see it in the weather, I mean.. sometimes it's Sunni sometimes it's s**...'ite.

In America, everything is opposite of Britain

For example:
In Britain, people drive on the left
In America, they drive on the right
In Britain, you watch the TV
In America, the TV watches you

The World Map has been revised; The North and South poles are where you'd expect, but...

...all the other Poles are in Britain.

Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still...

( •_•)>⌐■-■
In *da* pendent

Why do Americans pronounce 'solder' as 'sodder'?

Because they gave Britain the L in 1776

My grandfather was a World War 2 Vet

In a single day during the Battle of Britain he was responsible for the destruction of 8 German aircraft killing 32 German airmen.
Easily the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe had ever had.

A man walks into a pub in Wales....

And sees two overweight women sitting at the bar. He approaches them, and asks Are you two girls from Britain? . To this, one of the women reply sternly It's Wales you idiot! . So, the man excuses himself, and asks them again: Sorry, are you two whales from Britain?

What do you call an enchilada in Britain?

A centimeterlada

Why is it spelled "Cancelled" if you're British but "Canceled" if you're American?

Because America gave Britain that L in 1783

How do you get 127000 new followers?

Try with free speech in Britain.

Britain: American English is s**..., you can't even spell colour right.

America: No u.

Many countries make prisoners do labour that's of no use to anyone.

In Britain, prisoners would climb a treadwheel that turned a fan.
In Russia, prisoners would break rocks in the Siberian wasteland.
And in Germany, prisoners are forced to fit the blinkers to BMW cars.

An American is moving to Britain...

...So he decides to learn the british way of spelling things. So he spoke to a Brit he knew and he was told the following:
"So: Color turns into colour. Harbor turns into harbour. honor becomes honour. Starting to notice a pattern?"
So he writes an e-mail to his new boss:
"Good mourning sir....

A Russian man is travelling across Britain

A Russian man is travelling across Britain , he pops to a corner shop and buys some British Snacks to try. He takes the food to the Till and the cashier says: that'll be £12,50 please. To which the Russian replies Vat?
Oh that's already taken care of mate.

A british doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."...

...The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"

Hey baby, are you Britain?

Cos you're uncomfortably wet and can't decide if you want to be in or out

Why Americans don't need to feel bad when they are criticized by the British

Sometimes I hear people from Great Britain talk about how bad the education is in The US. I do get a little offended, but then I realize they are just salty because we beat them in The Civil War.

British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced

British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut out a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. 4 years ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"

Accent humour, mate!

It's the year 2022, WWIII has started. 1st world countries vs 2nd world countries and Middle East. Britain asks for reinforcement from Australia. The Australian regiment arrives and next morning starts preparing while the British Commander enters and starts increasing the army's morale:
British Commander: Did you came here *to die*?
Australian Soldier: No sir, we came here *yester-die*.

This is not a racist joke, i will use France, you can put whichever country you like instead

First, God created Britain, then the British.
After Britain, God created Spain, then the Spanish.
After Spain, God created France. The British and Spanish objected because France was much more beautiful than their countries.
Then God created the French.

If Britain lost the second World War...

Would the Prime Minister be known as Loseton Churchill?

What do you call a dirt-cheap brothel in Britain?


A supposedly true story

One day, in Great Britain, two Muslim schoolgirls were chatting away to each other in a foreign language on a public bus. The man sitting in front of them turned around and said, "This is England. Speak English." The woman in front of him turned around and said, "Actually, this is Wales and they're speaking Welsh."

Around 1900, in a school in Austria

The 11-12 year olds were quizzed on European capitals. Teacher asks boy:
What is the capital of Germany? "Berlin!"
What is the capital of France? "Berlin!"
What is the capital of Great Britain? "Berlin!"
Teacher: No son, you failed and were wrong on 2 out of the 3, what was your name again?

When the Romans landed in Britain...

When the Romans landed in Britain,
The weather proved a teaser!
The emperor asked "Could this be rain?",
But the answer was "hail, Caesar"

So Putin decides to change Russia's Identity

He calls the Queen of Great Britain for advice.
Putin - "Queen Elizabeth, I'd like to have Russia be a Kingdom. I feel it would give it the gravitas it deserves"
The Queen - "But Vladimir, you need to have a king to be a Kingdom"
Putin - "Well what about a Principality then?"
The Queen - "No Vladimir, you need a prince to have a Principality"
Putin - "Then I'm at a loss, what should Russia be"
The Queen - "I think you are quite suited to be a Country, wouldn't you agree"

In the 80s, Britain only had three channels

BBC 1, BBC 2, and The English Channel

Britain joke, In the 80s, Britain only had three channels

jokes about britain