Brit Jokes
99 brit jokes and hilarious brit puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about brit that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Brit Short Jokes
Short brit jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The brit humour may include short submarine jokes also.
- I don't see why we Brits don't celebrate the 4th of July. Surely 239 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.
- If I had a nickel for everytime I didn't understand how Brits keep track of money... I'd have 4 bob, 6 shillings, 2 quid, a crown, a sovereign, and 5 thripince.
- What is the most unrealistic part of the newest james bond movie? A Brit with a full petrol tank.
- how many Brits does it take to change a lightbulb? none, they'll keep saying that they will, but they wont
- The Brit asked his Chinese friend "What's your favorite thing about Communism?" He smiled and said [redacted]
- A Brit, a Spaniard and a Dutch walk into a bar.. .. unfortunately the Icelander couldn't come, he's still in the European Championship.
- A Brit and a Texan are talking. The Texan says "You know, I can get in my car and drive for 3 days and still be on my own land." The Brit replies "I had a car like that once."
- Did you hear about the Brit who had developed a pastry addiction? He became a total sconer
- Since yesterday, more than 2 million Brits have called for a new EU referendum... That's what you get when Donald Trump says you made the right choice.
- How many brits are needed to change a light bulb None they just terminate their apartment contract.
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Brit One Liners
Which brit one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with brit? I can suggest the ones about and .
- As a Brit, I can't get into American football They rugby the wrong way
- What type of tea is the only type Brits don't enjoy? Penaltea.
- What's a Brit's favorite baked good? £ cake.
- What do you call a person who is half-british? A brit....-ish.
- What are two letters a Brit can't live without? T and Qs.
- Why do vultures make good Brits? Because they eat common carrion.
- What does a Brit do to a perfectly fine economy? He Brex it...
- Why did the Geometry major marry a Brit? Because she was a cute angle.
- Why don't Brits like revolving doors? A: Because they can't hold it for the next person.
- What's a Brit's favorite breakfast food? Cheerios
- Did you hear about the Russian nuclear poisoning? I think the Brits are overreacting.
- The only time brits waste a pint... Is when they win a World Cup match
- Who lives in British Columbia? Brits and Columbians.
- A brit went to the doctor for issues in his arteries They gave him an anglogram
- Why do brits pronounce "Waiter" without the "t"? They drank it.
Charming Humor Brit Jokes with Loads of Fun
What funny jokes about brit you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make brit pranks.
Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?
A: 1 GB
British ship
So a British boat is sunk by a U-boat during world war 2
the British in distress send out the message- Help! Help! we are sinking!
the German U-boat picks up the message and says- What are you sinking about?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a british man say when he's about to c**...?
I'm arriving
A British cab driver pulls up to the airport...
He sees a man waiting for a cab. The man has three eyes, no arms, and only one leg.
The cab driver says to him "Aye, aye, aye. You look 'armless. Hop in!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
3 spies, a french one, a british one, and an italian one, are captured by al-qaeda...
the terrorists tie each of them up and put the brit and the italian in a locked room. they take the frenchman to a room for 6 hours, torturing information out of him. when they finish with him, they take the brit to the room, who lasts 12 hours. they finally take the italian into the room, but as much as they t**... him, they cant get any information out of him.
the brit and the frenchman ask him how it goes and he says "i couldnt say anything." they ask him why and he says "my hands were tied!"
British clock in german hands
During world war II, a british clock found its way into german hands. The strange thing about this clock was it went tick-tick-tick-tick, instead of tick-tock-tick-tock. The germans could not figure this out.
Finally, it went to the gestapo. Their chief interrogator softly whispered to the clock " We haff ways to make you tock"
Two british men are sitting at a bus stop...
When a man, clearly not from their town, comes up towards them.
"Parlez-vous Français?" The man asks the two Brits.
Confused, they stare blankly at the foreigner.
"Hablan ustedes Español?" The man tries again - still no reaction from the two men.
Frustrated, the foreigner tries one more time.
"Sprechen sie Deutsch?"
but the two men at the bus stop still have no clue what he's saying, and the foreigner storms off in a huff.
A couple seconds later, one of the men sitting on the bench turns to the other and says, "We should probably learn a language."
The other man turns to him and says, "Why? He knew three, and it didn't do him any good!"
What do british nuclear engineers eat?
Fission chips.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do Brits call a fleshlight?
A blowtorch.
Britain has invented a new missile
It's called the civil servant - it doesn't work and it can't be fired.
British Airways. Breakfast in London. Dinner in New York.
Luggage in Tokyo.
A British man is visiting Australia.
The man at customs asks him
"Do you have a criminal record?"
The British man replies
"I didn't think you'd need one to get into Australia any more."
What does a British midget get when he is told he is going to be crucified?
He gets a little cross.
British people are always recording their finances
because the camera adds ten pounds.
My British friend asked me, "Why do you Americans drive on the wrong side of the road?"
I told him, "Dude, we literally drive on the right side."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why is the British weather like Islam?
Because it's either Sunni or s**...'ite
A British vampire walks inside a bar...
The bartender offers him a glass of fresh blood but he refused. Instead, the vampire just asked for a cup of warm water. The bartender asked him why to which the vampire replied, "Well, I found some used tampons earlier. I'm just going to make some tea."
Britain says...
See eu later
Britain will be just fine...
you always lose a few Pounds after a breakup.
What happens when a British guy makes a promise?
He Brexit
Britain should have written a break up note
"It's not EU, it's me"
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter.
The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"
The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"
The American proceeds to throw the Mexican out of the helicopter.
"Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the Brit.
The American turns around. "He killed my wife."
A British girl meets a guy...
And they hit it off immediately. The girl goes to her dad the next day to tell him about it.
"Oh, dad, he's just the sweetest! He loves dancing and photography, he's great with kids, and he volunteers at an animal shelter. He's funny, handsome, a great listener, oh! and he's a goalie for a local football team. Oh dad, what do you think?"
Her dad looked at her with an odd expression and said "Oh honey...
... *he's a keeper*"
Britons vs. Americans
Americans:
It's Mom not Mum
It's Chips not Crisps
It's Fries not Chips
It's Color not Colour
It's Soccer not Football
It's Football not Rugby
Britons:
It's School not Shooting Range.
Britain is the best place for foodies.
You loose pounds everytime you eat
What does a british real estate agent care most about?
His proper tea
A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle.
A Brit, Mexican, and a Texan are all on a carrier plane heading towards battle. The pilot over coms says
"There is to much wait on the plane, someone will have to jump off"
The Brit then goes to the exit of the plane and says,
"For the Queen!"
He then jumps off.
The pilot says
"We are still to heavy, one more person has to jump off"
So the Texan screams "REMEMBER THE ALAMO!"
Then trows the Mexican off.
If Britain has Brexit...
Did the Czech Republic check-out?
A blonde, a brunette and a redhead
...a doctor, a lawyer and an accountant, a Brit, a German and an American, a priest, a rabbi, two camels and a duck walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them all and says, "What is this? Some kind of joke?"
A Briton, a Frenchman, and a Russian are standing and staring at a portrait of Adam and Eve...
"Look at their calm, their reserve" says the Briton. "Surely they must be British!"
"Nonsense!" Replies the Frenchman. "They are beautiful. Surely they must be French!"
The Russian finally speaks, "they have no clothes, no shelter, only an apple to eat, and are being told this is paradise. They are Russian."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Soviet are asked what nationality Adam and Eve were.
The Brit exclaims They must have been British! Look at how gentlemanly Adam behaved towards Eve. He must have been an Englishman.
Outrageous! Says the Frenchman. They must have been French. Look at the love that they exhibited towards each other! Only the French can love like that.
The Soviet chuckles and says You're both wrong. They must have been Soviet; they had no clothes, no food, and someone in charge was telling them they were in paradise .
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Britain: American English is s**..., you can't even spell colour right.
America: No u.
British kids sure are kind
But German kids are kinder
A British man takes a sip of his coffee.
And says, This not my cup of tea.
Why do British people say, "I'm Bri ish"?
Because they love to drink the t.
A British Cop and an American Cop are talking in a bar
The British cop says "they might take away our tasers because they sometimes kill people"
The American Cop says "sometimes? seems inneficient"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced
British doctor says: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we cut out a man's liver, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for a job."
The German doctor says: "That's nothing,
in Germany we took part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for a job."
The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for a job."
The American doctor laughs: "You are all behind us. 4 years ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no liver and made him President.
Now, the whole country is looking for a job!"
When British people pronounce words like Water they say it like Wuh-er . So what happened to the T?
They drank it
A dutch joke about the Brits and their love for queues, don't know if it translates well
A Brit walks down the street and sees two queues. He gets behind one of them, and asks the woman in front of him:
What is this queue for?
Just for fun says the women.
But what if I don't want to stand in the queue? The Brit asks.
To which the woman replies that's what the other queue is for
Why do british people pronounce water as wa ah?
They don't want to have t in the water again
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A British man was talking to his friend about his views on Brexit...
"These b**... immigrants come over here. They're up to no good, right? I hate these b**... immigrants. They need to go back to where they came from."
His friend replies with "But why do you hate them so much?"
The British man replies, "I'll tell you why I hate them, I'll tell you why. It's because they're not even trying to be British. That's why. They don't even TRY to be British. They come here, and bring their own b**... culture. They bring their own food, spit their own b**... languages, try to take over the whole b**... place."
His friend replies with "Well, that sounds British to me"
Why do the British pronounce British as Bri'ish?
The Americans dropped the t
In Britain, when you turn 100, you get a letter from the Queen.
And when you turn 16, you get a text from Prince Andrew.
Why do British people say British like Bri ish?
Because they drank the t.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A British man and an Indian man were talking about arranged marriage.
English man: How could you marry a woman
before knowing her?
Indian man: How could you marry a woman
AFTER knowing her?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A Brit, A Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the garden of Eden
"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit."They must be British"
They pondered this possibility but the Frenchman and the Russians soon shake their heads in disagreement.
"Nonsense," says the Frenchman. "They're n**... and so beautiful, clearly they are French". The Brit and Russian agreed on this point but the Russian soon raises an objection to this.
"No clothes, no shelter and they have only an apple to eat but they're told this is Paradise. They are clearly Russian"
One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".
Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
American shows on a Japanese TV. He buys a holiday home in Spain, Skis in France, fancies Swedish birds and has a Romanian au-pair.
And the most British thing of all?
"Suspicious of anything Foreign "
A Russian, a Brit and an American are stuck on a mountain
While they wait for rescue to arrive, they get together for a meal. As everyone is taking out their kits and prepping, the Russian starts boasting "in the soviet army, they feed us 2000 calories of food a day". The Brit turns and scoffs at him, then he says " in the royal army, we are fed 4000 calories of food a day". The American waiting for his turns goes and says "in the us army we are fed 8000 calories a day". At that point, the Russian jumps up and yells at the American "NON SENSE. NO ONE CAN EAT THAT MUCH CABBAGE IN ONE DAY".
Why do British people call themselves Bri ish
Because they drank the t
Welcome to Australia!
A British national travelling to Australia on holiday is stopped at customs after getting off the plane. There, the customs agent asks him, "business or pleasure?"
"Pleasure," he replies.
"Anything to declare?"
"Does jet lag count?" the Brit asks with a cheesy smile. The Aussie customs agent looks up, drearily, unamused.
"Do you have a criminal history?"
Suddenly, the British man becomes concerned, and looks around nervously.
"What's wrong?" the customs agent asks.
"Oh, I'm sorry," the brit replies. "No, I don't. I didn't realise we still needed one of those"
In a British bar,
a discussion about arranged marriages took place as follows:
English gentleman: How could you marry a woman before knowing her?
Indian man: How could you marry a woman AFTER knowing her?
End of the discussion.
British English has only three vowels : A, I , O.
They have left E.U.
Why don't brittish people lose in chess?
Because their queen doesn't die.
Why don't British people pronounce the t in Bri'ish?
Because they already drank all the t
I took British Airlines to court after losing my luggage.
The judge threw it out because we had no case
A British Jew is waiting in line to be knighted by the Queen.
He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:
"Ma nishtanah halailah hazeh mikol haleilot."
Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"
A british person plays chess with an american,
The british person always wins. Why?
Their queen never dies.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do British people pronounce the word Bri'ish like they do?
Because they drank all the T.
(Told to me by my 11yo)
My British friend told me he lost 50 pounds.
He seemed really upset when I congratulated him.
British Joke
I remember waking up one morning, and my wife asked me, "Honey, give me the lipstick." I accidentally gave her a glue-stick! She hasn't talked to me since...
A British man in a Jag is broke down on the side of the road
When the tow truck comes and the driver sees the Jag, he says "Hey you know why the British like warm beer?"
The Jag driver with a complete deadpan look says "I dunno. Why...?"
And the truck driver laughs and says "Because Lucas makes refrigerators too!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Three British people were arguing about who drinks the hottest tea.
The first person says: "The moment my tea is ready, I pour it into the cup and drink it all up".
The second person laughs and says: "That's it? I drink my tea straight from the Kettle".
The third person scoffs and says: "You both are amatuers. I just put all the ingredients in my mouth and sit on the stove".
Why do British people pronounce it bri'ish?
Because the Tea fell in the harbor.
British teenager Emma Raducanu has just won $2.5m by winning the US open final
Sadly she needed 2 band-aids and a bandage for a cut on her leg in the last game, so she still owes about $25k
In Britain we call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator".
I guess we're just raised differently.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do Brits always look wealthier on T.V. and in movies?
Because the camera puts on 10 pounds.
British people be like I'm Bri ish
It's because they drank the t
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Now we know
Why do British people pronounce British as Bri'ish?
Because they drank the tea.
Britain just checkmated the world...
With Queen to G7.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
When British people do c**..., they don't do lines
They do queue.
The British Prime Minister resigned today.
I guess the people lost their Truss.
What did Britons use to light their homes before candle?
Electricity.
Brittney Griner had been traded for Viktor Bout
This is the first wnba trade that I paid attention to.
Brittney Griner and Viktor Bout are talking during prisoner exchange, arguing about who lives in a freer country.
Brittney says, "America is the best! I can go to the White House, demand to see the president, and tell him I don't like the way he's running this country."
"Big deal," Viktor says, "I can do that too."
"You can?" Brittney says.
"Sure," says Viktor. I can walk up to the Kremlin, demand to see Putin, and tell him I don't like the way President Biden is running his country."
(Stolen from an old Reagan joke)
A British trawler is sailing off the coast of Germany when suddenly the ship starts taking in water.
The ship is sinking fast and the captain immediately gets on the radio to contact the German coast guard.
"Help!" he exclaims, "We're sinking! We're sinking!"
A hesistant voice comes from the radio. "Um...v-vot are you sinking about?"
British people only started calling themselves "bri'ish" in 1773
After they saw what happen to the Ts in Boston
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A British spy, Irish spy and Scottish spy are captured by the n**...
Just as the n**... are about to open fire, the British spy shouts
"Hurricane!"
and all the n**... run, allowing the British spy to escape
Angered, they return, and prepare to shoot the Scottish spy when he shouts
"Typhoon!"
and all the n**... run, allowing the Scottish spy to escape
The n**... return again, angry, to kill the Irish spy when he shouts
"Fire!"
