brings Jokes

funny jokes and hilarious brings stories

What are the best Brings puns and pranks?

Did you ever wanted to prank someone about Brings? Well here is a complete list of Brings to have fun with:

Science builds planes and skyscrapers

but faith brings them together.

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If a stork brings white babies, and a blackbird black babies, what bird brings no babies?

A Swallow.

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True friendship

This guy brings his best mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30pm, after work.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade.

"My bloody hair and makeup are not done, the house is a fucking mess, the dishes aren't done. Can't you see I'm still in my fucking pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight?! Why the fuck did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

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So a three masted sailing ship is leaving port...

... just a day out of port the captain is standing on the deck when the lookout calls down "Sir! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"

The captain turns to his cabin boy and shouts "Bring me my red shirt!"

After the cabin boy brings him the red shirt and he puts it on, the two ships close to fighting range and fight all day, with many heroics on both sides, but with the captain and his red shirt standing alive and victorious as the other ship sinks behind them in the sunset light.

Later that night the cabin boy is curious and asks the captain why he needed his red shirt, and the captain replies "Well, with my red shirt on, none of the men would see me bleeding if I was wounded, and so they would not lose heart and continue to fight on to victory!"

The cabin boy thinks that's pretty clever and goes to bed for the night.

The next day, the captain is standing on the deck as they sail along when the lookout shouts down "Sir! Twenty enemy ships on the horizon!"

And the captain turns to his cabin boy and says "Bring me my brown pants!"

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A man kills a deer...

A man is out hunting and kills a deer. He brings it home to his family and cooks it, but doesn't tell his kids what it is. He said "I'll give you a hint, it's what your mother calls me." The youngest son cries out, "It's a fucking dick, don't eat it!"

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Four U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado...

Four U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado, that hits a state funeral they're all attending in Kansas.

Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.


What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?

Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: I've come for some courage.

No problem! says the Wizard. Who is next?

Ronald Reagan steps forward, Wellโ€ฆIโ€ฆI think I need a heart.

Done, says the Wizard.

Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?

Up steps George W. Bush, who says, I'm told by the American people that I need a brain.

Not a problem! says the Wizard. Consider it done.

There is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, What do you want?

Ummm, he says quietly, is Dorothy around?

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Headaches

A man and his wife are getting into bed for the night. The man brings a glass of water and a bottle of aspirin to the bedroom and sets it down on his wife's nightstand. She asks him "What's that for?" to which the man replies "That's for your headache." "Headache? I don't have a headache..." The man responds "Well then, looks like we're having sex tonight!"

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Where do babies come from?

Storks bring white babies.
Crows bring black babies.
So what brings no babies?
Swallows

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An Englishman, an Scotchman, and an Irishman walk into a bar...

They each order a beer. The barkeep brings them each a beer, and there happens to be a fly in each one. The Englishmen, a bit put off, says "Sir there's a fly in my beer, I'll need a fresh one please." The Scotchman, undeterred shrugs and says "I won't be letting a fly ruin me enjoying my beer!" and he chugs his. The Irishman is enraged and grabs the fly by the wings and yells "SPIT IT OUT YE BASTARD!"

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An Italian man meets the girl of his dreams...

An Italian man meets the girl of his dreams. He falls madly in love with her and decides that he is gonna marry this girl...but first he needs to introduce her to his mother.

So he calls his mother, "Ma, I've met the one. I met the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with. I want you to met her, but since you think you know me so well I'm gonna bring 3 girls home and I want you to try to figure out which one I'm gonna marry"

So that Sunday the man brings 3 beautiful women to dinner. They enjoy the meal together and the mother starts to clean up the dishes. The son follows her into the kitchen and confronts her, "So ma, which one of these girls am I gonna spend the rest of my life with? Which one of these girls am I gonna marry?"

"The one in the middle," says the mother

The man is shocked, "That's the one! I gotta know how you knew, ma?"

"Outta the three girls, that's the one I don't like"

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Doctors and nurses

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.

Johnny's mother says, "Let's not be too harsh on them... they are bound to be curious about sex at that age."

"Curious about sex?" replies Mary's mother. "He's taken her fucking appendix out!"

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Abortion...

...it brings out the kid in you.

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Bird Impression

A traveling sideshow puts up a help wanted ad. A guy gets all excited and applies.

The sideshow owner brings him in for an interview and asks, "Ok, what's your talent? What can you do for me?"

The guy says "I do a really great bird impression!"

The owner responds, "Pff, no thanks. Plenty of people can do that."

So the guy says "Oh..ok...well thanks anyway,' and flies away.

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Little doctor Johnny

A woman brings 10 year old Johnny home and tells his mother that she caught him playing Doctors and Nurses with her 10 year old daughter, Mary.

Johnny's mother says, 'Lets not be too harsh on them, they are bound to be curious about sex at that age.'

'Curious about sex? He's taken her fucking appendix out!'

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Vet Bill

A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."

The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."

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A girl brings her fiance home to meet her father..

... and the father asks him, "so what are your plans in life." The suitor responds, "well, I'm interested in pursuing a degree in theology." The father then asks, "well, what do you plan to do for a living with only a theology degree?" The suitor, without a missed beat responds with "well, god will provide." The father then asks, "where will you two live?!" Again, the suitor responds with, "god will surely provide." Finally the father asks him, "have you made any long term plans at all?" He replies, "no, but as I've stated, I'm sure god will provide." The dinner eventually concludes, and both the daughter and the suitor leave her parents house. When a moment of quiet catches the mother, she softly asks her husband what he thought of the suitor. He pauses for a second, and replies -- "well, he's broke, and fairly stupid, but on the other hand he thinks I'm god."

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A Blonde Takes a Test

The professor notices a blonde student flipping a coin as she answers the True/False questions. She finishes long before everyone else, and starts flipping the coin again, sometimes changing her answers.

When she brings her test to the front, the professor asks, "Why were you flipping that coin?"

She responds, "I was checking my answers."

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True Friendship

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens.

"My hair & makeup are not done; the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"


"Because he's thinking of getting married."

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A father takes his son to the doctor...

After a brief wait, the concerned father brings his son into the examination room, pulls down his pants, points at the kids wiener, and exclaims "DOCTOR!!! IS IT NORMAL FOR A 3 YEAR OLD TO HAVE A FULLY DEVELOPED ADULT SIZED PENIS?!?!?"

The doctor looks down at it and says "It's only an inch and a half!

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The morticians wife.

The mortician gets a call to come pick up Schultz, who dies unexpectedly. While getting him ready for the funeral, he can't help but notice Schultz has a freakishly huge male member. So he cuts it off, puts it in a bag, and brings it home to show his wife this amazing specimen.

He gets home and says, " Honey come look at the amazing thing I found at work today!" She comes over, takes a look in the bag and shrieks loudly, "Oh my God! Schultz is dead!"

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so this guy is speeding down a highway, and a cop appears behind him and pulls him over.

the cop comes up to the man and says, "why were you speeding today sir?" the man replies, "i'm a juggler in a circus, and i'm just trying to get to my next show. I apologize."

the cop looks intrigued, and says "if you can prove to me you're a juggler, I'll let you go with a warning."

the man says, "officer, I don't have my equipment with me, I had to ship it seperately." the officer thinks for a minute, and brings back some flares from his car and lights them.

the juggler immediately starts throwing them up and catching them, and the officer is very impressed.

meanwhile, another man driving by pulls over and stops his car. he gets out and immediately walks into the back seat of the police car and closes the door. the officer comes back and says "why did you get into my car?"

the man replies, his words slurred, "i ain't never gonna pass that new sobriety test you got there"

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Two Muslim beggars

Ahmed and Hamid are both beggars in Great Britain. Ahmed drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend. Hamid only brings in ยฃ 2 or ยฃ 3 a day. Hamid asks Ahmed how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of ยฃ10 notes everyday. Ahmed says, Look at your sign.

It says, I have no work, a wife and seven kids to support. Britons who see that do not feel as if they have accomplished anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family. Now look at my sign. So Hamid looks and Ahmed's sign reads: I need only another ยฃ10 to move to Pakistan.

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A guy brings his best buddy home for dinner...

His wife screams, "You asshole! My hair & makeup aren't done, the house is a mess, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home?"

"Cause he's thinking of getting married."

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Two in the Bush...

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'

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A blond, brunette, and a red head die and go to hell...

God decides to give these three woman one last chance. He brings them to the stairway into heaven and says, "There are 100 stairs and at each step I will tell a joke. If you laugh you will be sent back to hell. If you make it to the top without laughing, I will let you enter heaven." So it began.

At the 30th step, God tells his joke and the brunette bursts out laughing. She then is sent back to hell. At the 70th step, God tells his joke and the red head starts laughing. She too was sent back to hell.

Now on the very last step, before God begins telling his joke, the blond starts laughing hysterically. God then asks the blond, "Why are you laughing? I have not told the joke yet?" The blond then replies, "I just got the first one!"

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Husband's birthday going wrong

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

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How many men does it take to open a can of beer?

None. It should be open by the time she brings it to the couch.

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A man rushes into a bar...

The young barkeep asks him what he wants.
"A whiskey, as quick as you can!"
The barkeep brings it to him and the man downs it straight away.
"Another! make it a double"
The barkeep once again obliges and the man downs it again.
"Bring me another double, and a triple chaser"
The barkeep, a bit shocked, once again obliges and again the man downs both.
The barkeep, now getting curious, says to him.
"Excuse me sir, why are you drinking so much so quickly?"
He responds, "If you had what I had, you'd be doing the same!"
The barkeep asks him, "If you don't mind me asking, what have you got?"
The man responds...

"No money!"

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An Asian woman brings her large Irish boyfriend to meet her traditional parents

Her mother says:

"You bring great Shamus to this family."

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Revenge

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left."

The male statue asks the woman statue, "Would you like to do it again?"

"Oh, yes let's," she replies! "But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head."

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I don't like thinking about gravity.

It brings me down.

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"How are babies born?"

Little Johnny comes up to his mother and asks her

"Mom, how are babies born?"

"Well I told you already honey, a stork brings
them"

"Yeah that's obvious, but who fucks the stork?"

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Car broke down.

While driving to work one day, a man's car breaks down. He eases it over to the shoulder and gets out. He pops open the trunk and two naked men in trench coats hop out, walk a few feet behind the car and start opening and closing their coats.

Naturally, this causes a pileup, which brings out a number of police officers. The driver is flustered as officers question him. "My car broke down, so I pulled off to the side and put out my emergency flashers..."

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President George W. Bush is sitting in his office...

...When one of his informants walks in to report,
"Mr. President, yesterday three Brazilian soldiers were killed by Al Qaeda."
Bush is silent for a moment as he holds his head in his hands in immense sadness.
"Sir, what's wrong?" asks the informant.
Bush brings his head up to look at the man and asks,
"How many is a Brazilian, exactly?"

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A man comes home from work...

and sits down in his most comfortable chair, kicks back, turns on the tv and yells to his wife. "Quick, grab me a beer before it starts!". The wife comes over and sets a beer down and walks away when a minute later he yells again, "Quick, grab another beer before it starts!" The wife hesitates but brings a beer over. He slams the beer and says, "Quick, grab me another before it starts!". The wife, fed up with this bursts out, " I'm sick of this! You come home and sit your ass down and start ordering me around...". When the man interrupts, "Damn. It started."

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So I got into an argument with my girlfriend about her drinking problem...

I said to her, "You know babe, drinking really brings out the..."

She interrupts and slowly slurs, "con..tin..ue"

I quickly replied, "Well, I wasn't going to word it like that But yes, it does bring out the cunt in you."

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A guy brings an alligator to the bar...

and the bartender says "Get that thing out of here immediately."
The guy says "Don't worry, its tamed and I'll prove it!"
So the guy tells the alligator to open his mouth and much to everyone's surprise the gator complies.
"You think thats impressive?" asks the guy.
He then proceeds to put his penis into the gators open mouth while hitting the gator in the head and sure enough he doesn't dare take a bite.
So the guy asks "Does anyone else want to give it a try?"
A blonde across the bar says "Sure, just don't hit me that hard"

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I'm going to name my daughter "Up"...

so when she brings a boy home, I can look him straight in the eye and say, "Don't you dare fuck up."

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A Japanese shogun is looking for a new samurai.

He summons three swordsmen, one of them Jewish, to his palace to showcase their skills. The first swordsman stands before the shogun with a sword and a small box. When he opens the box, a small box. When he opens the box, a fly flies out. With one swing of his sword, the fly is dead. The second swordsman again brings a sword and a small box. When he opens the box, an even smaller fly comes out, and he kills it with one swing. The shogun is impressed. At last, the Jewish swordsman walks up. He is also carrying a sword and a small box. He opens the box and an even smaller fly comes out. He swings his sword around many times, but it doesn't seem to affect the fly. "I am disappointed," says the shogun. "You didn't kill the fly." The Jew replies, "A circumcision is not meant to kill."

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10-year old Little Johnny brings Suzy home from school . . .

He says, "Mom, Suzy and I want to get married."

His Mom thinks it's adorable, so she asks with fake concern, "But Johnny, where will you live?"

He says, "Well, we thought about that and my room is bigger than hers, so we'll probably live in my room."

"But Johnny, what will you do for money?" the mother asked grinning.

"Well, I get $5.00 a week allowance, and Suzy gets $3.50, and I think we can get by on that."

The mother asks slyly, "But what if you have children? How will you buy diapers?"

Little Johnny shrugs, "Well, we've been lucky so far . . ."

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Language Lessons

Two restaurants face each other across a city street. Every day the owner of the Greek restaurant, Nick, brings out his specials board, looks across the street at the Chinese restaurant and calls out to the owner:

"Hey, Chan! What comes with your specials today?"

"Flied lice!"

Just as it has done for years, this sends Nick into paroxysms of laughter, and makes Chan feel ashamed of his English skills. Chan's daughter signs him for ESL classes, and Chan works hard at improving his diction:

"Flied lice, flied lice, fried lice, fried lice, fried rice, fried rice, fried rice!"

So, Chan waits for Nick to come out the next day, and carries out his board just as Nick looks up, and as always, Nick is ready to taunt him.

"Hey, Chan!", he shouts, "What you serving with your specials today?"

Gathering himself, Chan shouts confidently across the street:

"FRIED RICE, YOU GLEEK PLICK!"

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A student brings a slingshot to algebra class and fires gum at the professor

It was a weapon of math disruption.

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Another Southern Belle Joke:

Four southern belles were discussing their husbands one afternoon

1st Southern Belle: "Well, ah do declare, my husband is so good to me.
He brings me diamonds near' every day of the week. I got a diamond
ring for every finger."

2SB: "My My My"

3SB: "You know, my husbands is the same way. He brings me fur coats
all the time. I got a whole closet full of fur coats."

2SB: "My My My"

4SB: "Mine too. He takes me on cruises and trips. I've been nearly
everywhere on this whole blessed earth."

2SB: "My My My"

(Nervous pause)

1SB to 2SB: "How does your husband treat you?"

2SB: "Oh, my husband is good to me too. He sent me off to finishin' school."

(Nervous pause)

3SB to 2SB: "Finishin' school? What good is goin' to finishin' school?"

2SB: "Well, I used to say 'Fuck you, bitch', now I just say 'My My My.'"

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A Engineer builds a robot for his family.

He brings it up to the table at dinner.

"What is it for?" The wife said.

"It detects anyone who is lying and slaps them in the face. So..." *turns to his son* "What did you do at school today, sport?"

"Well, I did some arts and crafts and read at the library."

**SLAP**

"OWW! OK! I WAS WATCHING PORN MOVIES WITH MY FRIENDS!"

"WHAT?!?" The dad replied. "I HAVEN'T DONE THAT UNTIL I WAS 16!"

**SLAP**

Then the mother says to the son "You sure are your father's son."

**SLAP**

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There once was a big, strong bull...

There once was this big, strong bull. Had a ring in his nose, big horns and he went by the name of Hannibal. He had a field to himself with green grass, small dandelions and a fence. One day, the farmer brings some pretty cute cows and puts them in the field next to Hannibal.

So the bull walks up to the barbed wire and checks out the pretty ladies on the other side. He knows that he would like to get to know them a bit better - if you know what I mean - , but there is this fence between them. So he waits until the farmer leaves, takes a long run and jumps over the fence into the other field.

The cows look all startled and giggle: "O my, Hannibal... how did you get in here?"

He winks: "Just call me Hanni, honey... The rest I left hanging in the barbed wire."

- Sorry for the English, it is not my first language.

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A bunch of blondes are celebrating in a bar

Everytime the bartender brings a round they all get up cheering;
10 DAYS---10 DAYS

After the third round the bartender inquires as to what the celebration is all about,

So, one of the blonde says, "We made a puzzle in 10 days"

"10 days? That's not really something to celebrate about",

OH YEAH, well it did say 2 to 4 years on the box!!!

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Timmy brings his cat to school

The teacher asks Timmy "why is your cat at school today?" Timmy says, crying, "Because I heard my daddy say to my mommy, 'I'm going to eat that pussy when the kids leave.' so I'm saving him!"

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A blonde woman is driving down a rural road...

... when she sees a very odd sight. Off in the middle of a barren field is another blonde woman sitting in a rowboat, and she's just rowing away. She angrily brings her car to a screeching halt by the side of the road, gets out, and screams:

"Goddammit! It's dumb women like you that give us blondes a bad name! And, if I could swim, I'd come right out there and beat your ass!"

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Talking Dog

A man brings a dog into a bar and says, "This is a talking dog."

The bartender says, "I'll believe it when I see it!"

The man sets the dog on the table and starts asking him questions. He asks, "What is the opposite of smooth?"

The dog responds, "Rough!"

The man asks, "What is on top of a house?"

The dog responds, "Roof!"

The man asks, "Who was the greatest baseball player of all time?"

The dog responds, "Ruth!"

The bartender is enraged and throws them both out of the bar.

The dog turns to the man and asks, "DiMaggio?"

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Spanish cuisine.

A man is touring Spain and wanted to get a real taste of the culture, so he went into a small cafe near a bull-fighting area. He tells the waiter, "Give me your most authentic dish! I want the full Spanish experience." The waiter says, "Right away" and brings back two deep-fried dumplings about the size of soft balls. The man loves them and asks the waiter, "These were delicious! What kind of dumplings are they?" The waiter says, "Those weren't dumplings, they were the testicles of the bull that lost the fight today." The man is shocked, but the dish was so delicious that he decides he'll come back tomorrow for another course.

The next day the man goes back to the cafe and orders the dumplings again, only this time the waiter brings back two smaller ones the size of golf balls. The man once again loves them and asks the waiter, "These were great! But why are they smaller than the ones I had yesterday?" The waiter replies, "Sir, the bull doesn't always lose."

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CONCLUSION

You've read some of the best brings jokes of all time. Most of the stories are suitable for kids with good sense of humor, children or teens boys and girls, of course dads. You must supervise kids not to read pranks for adults. Note that some jokes are disgusting, filled with black humor so don't tell dirty brings gags to your kids. These jokes are updated with new ones in December 2019.

How do I make my girlfriend or boyfriend laughs? Well, this list of funny stories will make you cry in laughter. Some of these brings jokes are funny and some are hilarious.

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