bringing Jokes

funny pick up lines and hilarious bringing puns

A woman was arrested for bringing her own popcorn, candy, and soda to the movie theater.

She was fined and had to pay court fees, but the good news is she still came out a few bucks ahead from if she would have bought the popcorn at the theater.

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Did you guys hear about the kid getting arrested for bringing a clock to school?

Sources say that the teachers were alarmed.

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Bringing her home to meet mother

I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.

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Dad: When you turn 18, I'm taking you to the strip club.

Teen: Of course not dad!





Dad: Oh shut up Jessica, it's time for you to start bringing money to the house.

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i tried to ignore my girlfriend's bulimia

but she kept bringing it back up

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My wife is like gravity

Always there, and constantly bringing me down

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A woman asks her husband, a programmer, to go shopping.

Wife: Dear, please, go to the nearby grocery store to buy some bread. Also, if they have eggs, buy 6.
Husband: O.K., hun.

Twenty minutes later the husband comes back bringing 6 loaves of bread. His wife is flabbergasted.

Wife: Dear, why on earth did you buy 6 loaves of bread?
Husband: They had eggs.

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I held a door open for an Asian guy

and he said "sank you" so i punched him in the face. Serves him right for bringing up Pearl Harbor like that.
PS: Happy 4th of July

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A woman gets on a bus with her baby in Glasgow.

The bus driver turns to her and says Oi! That there's the ugliest baby I've ever seen, you should be ashamed of yourself, bringing a baby like that out in public. It's disgusting! She rushes to the back of the bus in tears, and a gentleman leans over to her and asks Lassie, why're you crying?
She says Well that bus driver up there just said the most horrible thing to me that anyone's ever said before.
In shock the gentleman exclaims Well you can't just let him get away with that! You've got to get up there and give him a piece of your mind! Here, I'll hold your monkey.

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The Bar Challenge

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a beer. As the bartender is bringing his drink, he notices a large unlabeled jar full of money. His curiosity is piqued, and he asks the bartender what it's for. The bartender explains that there is an ongoing bet that no one will complete a challenge set by the owner. Whoever completes the challenge gets all of the money in the jar and an unlimited bar tab for life. The man asks what the challenge is. The bartender explains that there are three parts, the first is to chug a bottle of tequila without stopping. The second is to pull a tooth from the stray dog that hangs out in the alley outside. And the third is to fuck the resident dirty old hooker. The man ponders it over a few beers, and finally decides to try and complete the challenge. He pays the $20 entry fee, and is handed a bottle of tequila, which he manages to down without too much trouble. He then proceeds outside, and everyone in the bar hears a series of yelps and growls, and about 15 minutes later the man comes back inside, a little beat up, but still standing. The bartender points upstairs, and the man disappears. The bar is silent for a few minutes, and soon they hear the hooker screaming bloody murder. The man comes down stairs, holds up a tooth and says "I got the whore's tooth!"

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A young buzzard is bringing his new boyfriend home...

He turns to his dad and says "So, what are we having for dinner?"

The father bird clears his throat.

"Carrion, my gay bird son. There'll be peas when you are done."

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I think my girlfriend would make a good plumber

She keeps bringing up old shit from weeks ago.

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My wife and I we're having financial troubles, so I sent her to the streets to earn extra income.

She ended up bringing me $24.25


I asked her, "who's the cheap ass that gave ypu only a quarter?"

She replied "all of them"

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A man buys a parrot...

And after bringing it home, he discovers it has the filthiest mouth. It constantly swears, racial epithets, dirty jokes, the whole lot! It embarrasses the man to no end. He keeps trying to train the bird, but it doesn't listen, just cackles back at him.

In a rage, he finally throws the bird in the freezer and closes the door. The bird squawks once, then goes very quiet. The man waits a minute, then opens the door. The bird looks sorry, so he puts it back in the cage.

"I'm terribly sorry for my earlier behavior, I assure you that I won't be speaking as such anymore," the bird apologizes. "On a related note, what did the chicken do?"

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A mobster discovers that his deaf accountant has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

He confronts him, bringing along an interpreter. "Ask him where the money is," the mobster says.

The interpreter does so, and the accountant signs back, "What are you talking about?"

The interpreter tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The mobster puts a pistol to the accountant's head. "Ask him again!"

The interpreter signs, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"

"Okay, okay!" the accountant signs back. "The money is buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard!"

"What'd he say?" asks the don.

"He says that you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

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A woman buys a parrot...

And after bringing it home, she discovers it has the filthiest mouth. It constantly swears. It calls the woman a slut. When the woman's daughter comes home the parrot shouts "Aeeyy look at the tits on that one." Now the woman is pissed. She phones the place from where she bought the parrot and complains about the parrot. The person apologizes and says the parrot originally belonged in a brothel. The woman though she'd make a decision about the parrot once her husband Dave comes home.
Soon, her husband comes home and the parrot shouts "Hey Dave! Welcome back."

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Guy with a lisp turns up to a dinner party carrying a selection of cheeses and a couple of ducks under his arm

The host says, "thanks for bringing the cheese, but why the ducks?"

The guest replies, "can't have cheese without cwackers"

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I started taking fish out of Kansas City and bringing them into Kansas. The local vegans and fishermen got mad at me.

I said, What, I'm just putting them out of their Missouri

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Man, I am just sick and tired of gravity...

It's always bringing me down!

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A man gets pulled over for speeding

When the officer approaches his vehicle he tells the man "sir, it's been a long day, and I'm ready to go home. If you can give me a good reason as to why you were speeding I might let you go without a ticket."

The man looks at him and says "well officer, years ago my wife left me for a state trooper, and when I saw you coming for me, I thought you were bringing her back.

Officer says "Have a nice day sir"

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A man gets pulled over with 5 penguins in his car.

The cop tells the man "sir you can't drive around with penguins in your car."
The man says "I wasn't aware, what should I do with them"
"Bring them to the zoo"

The next day the man gets pulled over again and the same cop approaches the car and says "sir I thought I told you to bring those penguins to the zoo"
The man says "I did, and we had such a great time today I'm bringing them to the beach"
(I know this is a silly joke, it was told to me by a friend of my grandfathers.)

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Coffee filled to the brim

Boss : Muthu, how do you get it right? For 30 years you have been bringing me coffee filled to the brim every morning without spilling it?

Muthu: Before I climb up the stairs I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.

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The mother took her young daughter to a psychiatrist and explained to the headshrinker that the girl thought she was a chicken. The doctor soothed her, observing that an overactive imagination is not uncommon in children, and asking how long the girl had suffered from the delusion.

"Almost two years," said the mother.
"Your daughter has imagined she is a chicken for nearly two years?!" the psychiatrist exclaimed. "Why have you waited so long before bringing her in?"
The woman looked embarrassed, then confessed: "We needed the eggs, doctor."

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The whole "Pavlov's Dog Experiment" is such a load of bunk I'm sick of people bringing it up...

...at this point just *hearing* the name "Pavlov" makes me mad.

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How to catch a White Elephant

Go to an place where there are white elephants. Bring with you a muffin (with raisins).

Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close, drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it.

The white elephant will be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins). White elephants like muffins (with raisins).

Repeat this procedure for five days in a row. After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin (with raisins).

The sixth day you climb the tree, bringing with you a muffin (without raisins). Drop the muffin (without raisins) as usual.

When the white elephant finds out that the muffin (without raisins) lacks raisins, it will darken in anger.

And then you catch it the same way you catch an ordinary grey elephant.

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Saint Peter is doing his daily routine...

Saint Peter is doing his daily routine at the heavenly gates when he has to pee.
Jesus comes by bringing him his daily coffee and Peter asks him to man the gates for a couple of minutes.


- Sure man, what do I have to do?

- It's not that hard , St. Peter says, You just ask a few questions about what the person has done in his life, listen to their story and let them in – or not.

So Jesus takes over, when suddenly an old man approaches.

So... who are you and what have you done in your life?

- Well, I was a carpenter, and I had a son, but he wasn't really my son, there was no sex involved, he came to life by some kind of magic, I can't explain…

Jesus is bewildered. "Can you describe your son?"

- He went on a big journey, and he had holes in his hands and feet.

Jesus is completely flabbergasted and stumbles: … Dad?

The old carpenter starts crying and screams:

[-"PINOCCHIO ??!!](/spoiler)

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A little girl asks how she got her name.

Well when we were bringing you home from the hospital a rose petal landed on your face, so we named you rose. We named your brother ray because a beam of sunlight hit him on the way home from the hospital too.

From the next room the third siblings says

Hyrnagamadrgs!

Mom turns and shouts shut the fuck up refrigerator!

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A woman lost a court case...

and was fined for bringing her own popcorn, coke and candy to a movie theater. Overall, she still saved a considerable amount of money.

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When I die I want my body to be donated to science

...but more specifically, a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life.

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Three blonde dudes drive into the desert

When they are in the middle of the day, their car breaks down. For their hike to town, they each decide to take one thing with them.

One blonde takes a tire. The second bloke takes a seat. The last blonde takes one of the car doors.

The first man says to the other two I'm bringing the tire because if I can't walk anymore, the tire will take me. The second says: But the seat is more comfortable than the tire. They both then look at the third and ask: Why bring a car door?

The thirty blonde man replies, Dudes, if I get hot, I can just roll down the window.

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Lil' bear was having a birthday party..

And his daddy bear said to everyone in the forest to bring some nice gifts or else he's going to beat them with his big dick, all over their backs, no exceptions. First guest was wolf, bringing an xbox. The bears greeted him and he was seated. So was the fox bringing an iphone. But then comes the rabbit with an apple. They started beating him with their dicks and in the middle of the beating the bunny started laughing like crazy. The bears asked him : "are you insane, why are you laughing in the middle of pain?" on which he replied : "well here comes the hedgehog bringing a strawberry"

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When I die, I want my body to be donated to science

More specifically, a scientist who's working on bringing dead people back to life.

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construction gal

A female carpenters first day on the job.She was told to assist the carpenters with tools and materials.Mary is in the process of bringing materials across field to work site when she notices foreman signaling to her.he touches his eye then his knee then his crotch.Mary returns his signal with her own.she touches her eye then her left breast then her crotch.the foremen approaches her puzzled ,mary didnt you understand what i wanted ?she says sure you said i need the hammer and i responded i left tit in the box

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Bringing up Baby

Three expectant mothers sat in the obstetrician's office, knitting little sweaters for their impending children. One of them pops a pill in her mouth and the nurse asks, "What did you just take?"

"Iron." she replied. "I want my baby to have strong muscles!"


A second mother pops a pill in her mouth and the nurse again asks about it.

"Calcium.", she said. "I want my baby to have strong bones!"

Finally, the third woman pops a pill in her mouth and again the nurse asks her what she's taking.

"Thalidomide. I can't get these fucking arms right!"

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Round-up of the top ten one-liner jokes at this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival. The first one will only be understood by Britons, but there are good ones after that.

1. Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."

2. Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."

3. Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-sex marriage... the sex is always the same."

4. Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."

5. Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."

6. Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."

7. Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."

8. Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."

9. Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."

10. Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."

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What are the most funny Bringing jokes of all time ?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Bringing? Well, here are the best Bringing dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Bringing pick up lines to share with friends.

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