The Best 75 Bring Jokes
Following is our collection of funny Bring jokes. There are some bring home jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.
Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these bring give puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.
Top 10 of the Funniest Bring Jokes and Puns
My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.
Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.
How do you milk sheep?
Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.
Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it
Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said
"I want you to try to sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"
I said "$200 and it's yours."
My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes yesterday.
She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.
April showers bring may flowers What do may flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
What do Pilgrims bring?
Smallpox
Why did the Mexican Army only bring 5000 soldiers to the Alamo?
They only had 2 vans
A man finds a penguin on the road...
A man finds a penguin on the road side. Thinking the penguin is lost the man takes it, drives until finding a police officer and asks what to do.
- Take it to the zoo replies the officer.
One week latter the policer officer sees the man driving with the penguin by his side.
What are you doing with that penguin ? I told you to bring him to the zoo.
I did exactly that. He loved it and now we are going to the movies .
A younger chimp asks one of his elders what's a conditioned reflex.
The older chimp says: "When I press this red button an idiot in a white coat will open that door and bring us some bananas."
"Dad, i'm a lesbian."
Confesses the daughter.
Her younger sister shouts from the kitchen "Me too dad."
"Goddammit" Exclaims the father. "Will one of you bring a man to this house!?"
"I will, Dad." Says the son from his room.
If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May Flowers bring?
Genocide
You can explore bring take reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean bring get dad jokes. There are also bring puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
Why did Snoop Dogg bring an umbrella?
There was a Lil Wayne outside
What did the mermaid forget to bring to math class?
Her algae bra
A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson...
Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, "Oh god, i have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back." And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The grandmother once again looks to the sky and says, "He had a hat."
A pig with wings walks into a bar. Stunned, the bartender says
"You can't bring food in here from another restaurant! Even if you are a cop!"
A man sees his dog chew up and swallow a pencil
Concerned, he immediately phones the vet.
"Doctor, my dog just chewed up and swallowed my pencil! What should i do?"
"Hmm...that sounds serious. You better bring him to me. I'll see you within a half hour."
"Yes, doctor, but what should I do in the meantime?"
"Use a pen."
A teenager got his driver's license...
...and asked his father, who was a minister, if he could use his car.
The father said, "If you bring your grades up, study the Bible, and get a haircut, then you can use the car."
One month later, the teenager asked his father about using the car again. The father said, "Son, I'm proud of you. You have brought your grades up and studied the Bible every day. But you still haven't gotten a haircut!"
His son said, "Dad, in my studying of the Bible, I found that many great people had long hair. Samson had long hair. Moses, Noah, and John the Baptist had long hair. Even Jesus had long hair."
His father said, "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!"
Forgot to bring my protein powder to the gym today
Guess I should've prepared whey in advance
A woman is in the hospital in a coma...
and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her crotch, her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes oral sex will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."
Can I talk to my son?
A father was nervously waiting for the risky surgery of his son to end. When he saw the doctor come out of the operating room he asked him: Doctor, could I talk to my son? So the doctor reassuringly responds: Of course. Nurse! Bring this man a ouija board!
New Sex Position called Raging bull... [NSFW]
1st get your girl in doggy style and slide in real deep.
Now lean forward and wrap your arms around her real deep.
Now here's the bull part, bring your lips near her ear and whisper another girl's name and see how long you can stay on. Good luck.
Hillary is talking to The Pope, and he says...
"With but one wave of my hand, I can make these people feel joy. Joy that nothing else in the world can bring. And it will be an eternal, everlasting joy."
Hillary says "I'll believe that when I see it."
And so, the Pope raises his hand into the air, and slaps her across the face, and the crowd goes wild.
If you were stranded on an island and could bring three items what would you bring?
Michael Phelps, a saddle, and stick with a gold medal on the end.
Some people are like slinkies
Not really good for much, but bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs
Why did the Muslim take his Note 7 onto an airplane?
Do I really have to answer that? Who doesn't bring their phone with them when they travel?
a man goes to a library and asks for a book on suicide.........
Librarian stares at him for a while, then asks: Who's gonna bring it back ?
I held a door for an elderly Japanese man.
He said "Sank you."
Why did he have to bring up Pearl Harbor like that?
When I see lover's names carved in a tree...
I don't think it's sweet. I'm just surprised of how many people bring knives on a date.
My girlfriend is so smart!
I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.
She answered: "What's up, honey?"
What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!
A guy goes in for a job interview...
A guy goes in for a job interview.
The manager hands the guy his laptop and says, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
So the guy puts it under his arm, walks out of the building, and goes home.
Eventually, the manager calls the guy and says, "Bring it back here right now!"
The guy says, "$200 and it's yours."
If I bring you breakfast in bed, just say, "Thanks."
Not "Who are you?" and "How did you get in my apartment?"
Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar?
Someone told her drinks were on the house.
"What makes you qualified to be a waiter"
I feel like I bring a lot to the table
Grandma's Apple Pie
An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."
Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he comes back empty handed and says "Sorry, grandpa, but grandma says its for after the funeral."
Did Santa get you that?
Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*ck goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
I was holding a door open for this asian guy and he said "sank you".
I punched him square in the jaw, how dare he bring up pearl harbour like that.
I live in North Korea and I'm ready to tell the world what it's really like!
[Edit]: The sun shines brightly on our smiles and future as our glorious leaders bring us joy with their mighty military.
Science built skyscrapers and airplanes
But only religion can bring the two together.
I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.
I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"
I asked my daughter to bring me my newspaper
She told me that newspapers are oldschool. She said me that people nowadays use tablets and handed me her iPad
That fly didn't stand a chance
A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it."
The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."
Whenever I see two lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I think it's shocking how many people bring a knife on a date.
What starts with M, ends with E and can bring two people eternal happiness?
Me, I'm a divorce lawyer
Bringing her home to meet mother
I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.
Roy Moore says he'll bring Alabama values to Washington, but I'm not so sure. I mean, he sexually assaulted teenage girls...
But he wasn't related to any of 'em!
You should always bring two pairs of pants golfing.
Just in case you get a hole in one.
The odds of getting on a plane with a bomb on it are 950,000 to one -
The odds of getting on a plane with two bombs on it are closer to 700,000,000 to one So, to be safe, I always bring my own bomb.
S. W.
Two homeless dudes sit on a park bench
One askes the other: Did you bring bread for the pigeons?
The other replies: No, I eat them without the bread.
I asked my GF, "Why do abortion jokes made you laugh so much?"
She said, "because they bring out the kid in me."
Why do native Americans hate April?
Because April showers bring May flowers and Mayflowers bring white people
Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office
Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office
SMS
I was on sofa next to my wife who was eating and typing on her phone. So I heard my phone ringing at the kitchen where I was charging it. So I went to check , the sms was from my wife and she wrote "bring the salt on your way back."
Gender is like the Twin Towers
There used to be two, and now it's a really touchy subject to bring up
An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.
The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
Why are Canadians so good at sports?
They always bring their eh game
A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.
In self-defense the man says, Who told you that drinking is bad?
Nun : "Mother Superior told me."
Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"
Nun : "No, I haven't ever taken a drink of hard liquor."
Man : "Well, don't criticize me if you haven't tried it. I'll tell you what if you try it and don't like it, I'll give up drinking for life."
Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don't want people thinking I'm drinking."
The man goes up to the bartender and says, Bring me a couple of shots of vodka but bring one of them in a tea cup.
The bartender looked at the man and said, Is that nun in here again?
My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!
"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"
My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"
I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"
(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways...)
A little girl asks her father: "Daddy, what is corruption?"
-- Go bring me a beer and I'll tell you.
-- But mommy said you should stop drinking!
-- Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.
-- Oh, okay!
A British man was talking to his friend about his views on Brexit...
"These bloody immigrants come over here. They're up to no good, right? I hate these bloody immigrants. They need to go back to where they came from."
His friend replies with "But why do you hate them so much?"
The British man replies, "I'll tell you why I hate them, I'll tell you why. It's because they're not even trying to be British. That's why. They don't even TRY to be British. They come here, and bring their own bloody culture. They bring their own food, spit their own bloody languages, try to take over the whole bloody place."
His friend replies with "Well, that sounds British to me"
A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business.
His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"
"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"
A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"
The kid ignores him.
"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"
The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."
"Call of Duty, right? I told you I'd bang your mom."
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.
A man is dying. He lies in his bed with his wife next to him.
He says to her:
'you remember when i lost my job some years ago?'
'yes'
'you were by my side'
'yes'
'and when our son died in a car crash?'
'yes'
'you were by my side'
'yes'
'and now I'm dying of cancer you're still by my side'
'yes'
'you know what?'
'no'
'i think you bring me bad luck'
Cops gave me a ticket for doing 120 in a 55....
When he asked me why I was going so fast, I told him, "My wife left me for a police officer last week. I thought you were him trying to bring her back."
My 72-year-old mother just informed me that she's going to her first sex party and doesn't know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, gender reveal, mom. It's called gender reveal .
A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.
He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.
"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.
"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.
"Then where are the other 11 kids?"
"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.
I took my daughter to my office for, "Bring your kid to work day". BIG MISTAKE!
After meeting everyone she started getting cranky and began to cry. As everyone gathered around to try to console her, she looked at me and in a loud voice complained, "Where are all the clowns you tell me & mommy you work with everyday?"
Same service...
A husband visited a marriage counselor and said, "When we were first married, I would come home from the office, my wife would bring me water and our cute little dog would run around barking. Now after ten years it\`s all different. I come home, the dog brings the water and my wife runs around barking."
"Why complain ?" said the counselor, "You re still getting the same service!"
Hey have you heard of the sommeliers that formed a rock band?
They're called *Effervescence*. Their hit singles include *"My Last Breathalyzer Test"* and *"Bring Me More Wine"*. And who could forget *"Lacrymismosa"*?
What do bears bring with them when they go camping?
Just the bear essentials.
Humans have a nerve that runs from the back of the eyes to the anus.
Its called the anal-optic nerve. If you don't believe me, try pulling a hair from your ass and it will bring a tear to your eyes.
Take-home final exam
Bill always had a problem with school. He suffered from a fear of tests. When a professor hands out tests, it was almost like his brain shut down. He couldn't remember anything.
One of his professors gave the students a take-home test and told them to bring it back the next week for their final grade.
Three days later they found Bill. He was wandering the street, clutching that test. He hadn't answered any of the questions. The moment the prof handed him the test to take home, he forgot where he lived.
The Italian Mother
Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is
going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you
try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them
down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Mama, guess which one am I going to marry?"
Mama says immediately, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"
Mama replies: "I don't like her."
I like to bring a booklet of jokes whenever I sit down to join a conversation at a table,
because as soon as it is my turn to start talking,
I can lay my booklet down and begin my statement by saying:
"Jokes aside, ..."
Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the bring generate jokes and puns are jokes supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, are mean or racist, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become bullying and inappropriate.
We suggest to use only working bring deliver piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.