Bring Jokes

137 bring jokes and hilarious bring puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bring that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Are you looking for ways to bring a little extra laughter into your life? Check out this article to discover how to bring it on with the best jokes, bring back Boris Johnson's famous one-liners, and even deliver a joke or two to your home with Carrion!

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Funniest Bring Short Jokes

Short bring jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bring humour may include short brought jokes also.

  1. My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again. Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.
  2. Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
  3. My girlfriend is so smart! I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.
    She answered: "What's up, honey?"
    What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!
  4. A doctor hands a man his newborn baby and says "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it." The man hands the baby back and responds, "Well, bring me the one my wife made."
  5. Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today? My wife: It's impossible to live with him. He's too literal.
    Me: My truck.
  6. My wife left me because I'm too insecure. No wait, she's back. She just went out to bring me a cake.
  7. Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office
  8. Whenever I see two lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I think it's shocking how many people bring a knife on a date.
  9. My fencing opponent laughed at me for bringing a block of cheddar to a sword fight. Until he discovered it was extra sharp.
  10. I held a door for an elderly japanese man. He said "Sank you."
    Why did he have to bring up Pearl Harbor like that?

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Bring One Liners

Which bring one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bring? I can suggest the ones about pull and coming.

  1. How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.
  2. science builds planes and skyscrapers but faith brings them together.
  3. If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May Flowers bring? Genocide
  4. Science built skyscrapers and airplanes But only religion can bring the two together.
  5. Abortions are so fun It really brings out the kid in you
  6. "What makes you qualified to be a waiter" I feel like I bring a lot to the table
  7. I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in roman numeral I M LIVID
  8. You should always bring two pairs of pants golfing. Just in case you get a hole in one.
  9. Why did the Mexican Army only bring 5000 soldiers to the Alamo? They only had 2 vans
  10. Why are Canadians so good at sports? They always bring their eh game
  11. What did the mermaid forget to bring to math class? Her algae bra
  12. Why did homeless people vote for Obama? Because he said he'd bring change.
  13. i tried to ignore my girlfriend's bulimia but she kept bringing it back up
  14. My wife is like gravity Always there, and constantly bringing me down
  15. If April Showers bring May Flowers, then what do May Flowers bring? Smallpox.

Bring Awareness Jokes

Here is a list of funny bring awareness jokes and even better bring awareness puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • There Should Be A Day For Bringing Awareness To Calling The Cops 9/11
  • I'm trying to bring more attention to fried grapes I'm raisin awareness.
  • October is both Cyber Security and Breast Cancer Awareness month! Therefore I'm offering a two-for-one special.
    Bring your laptop to me for virus removal and receive a free breast exam!
  • #METOO Many adults still read the symbol # as 'pound,' not 'hashtag' so imagine their surprise to learn a movement meant to bring awareness to s**... assault and harassment was named 'pound me too,'

Bring It On Jokes

Here is a list of funny bring it on jokes and even better bring it on puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • You know why I hate elevators? Half the time they are up to something, the other half they are just bringing you down. I should really start taking steps to avoid them..
  • I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not. I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"
  • From my 7yo Nephew, Why should you always bring toilet paper to gatherings? For all the party poopers!
  • Paratrooper: What happens if my parachute doesn't open? Sergeant: Bring it back and we'll give you a new one.
  • Why do native Americans hate April? Because April showers bring May flowers and Mayflowers bring white people
  • I was holding a door open for this asian guy and he said "sank you". I punched him square in the jaw, how dare he bring up pearl harbour like that.
  • If I bring you breakfast in bed, just say, "Thanks." Not "Who are you?" and "How did you get in my apartment?"
  • COVID is bringing everyone a little closer to being Batman Either you are wearing a mask or your parents are dead.
  • Did you guys hear about the kid getting arrested for bringing a clock to school? Sources say that the teachers were alarmed.
  • A younger chimp asks one of his elders what's a conditioned reflex. The older chimp says: "When I press this red button an idiot in a white coat will open that door and bring us some bananas."
Bring joke, A younger chimp asks one of his elders what's a conditioned reflex.

Bring joke, A younger chimp asks one of his elders what's a conditioned reflex.

Rib-Tickling Bring Jokes that Bring Friends Together

What funny jokes about bring you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean laden jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bring pranks.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said

"I want you to try to sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"
I said "$200 and it's yours."

My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes yesterday.

She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.

April showers bring may flowers What do may flowers bring?

What do Pilgrims bring?

A man finds a penguin on the road...

A man finds a penguin on the road side. Thinking the penguin is lost the man takes it, drives until finding a police officer and asks what to do.
- Take it to the zoo replies the officer.
One week latter the policer officer sees the man driving with the penguin by his side.
What are you doing with that penguin ? I told you to bring him to the zoo.
I did exactly that. He loved it and now we are going to the movies .

"Dad, i'm a lesbian."

Confesses the daughter.
Her younger sister shouts from the kitchen "Me too dad."
"g**..." Exclaims the father. "Will one of you bring a man to this house!?"
"I will, Dad." Says the son from his room.

Why did Snoop Dogg bring an umbrella?

There was a Lil Wayne outside

A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson...

Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, "Oh god, i have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back." And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The grandmother once again looks to the sky and says, "He had a hat."

A pig with wings walks into a bar. Stunned, the bartender says

"You can't bring food in here from another restaurant! Even if you are a cop!"

A man sees his dog chew up and s**... a pencil

Concerned, he immediately phones the vet.
"Doctor, my dog just chewed up and swallowed my pencil! What should i do?"
"Hmm...that sounds serious. You better bring him to me. I'll see you within a half hour."
"Yes, doctor, but what should I do in the meantime?"
"Use a pen."

Y'know what really brings out the inner child in you?


A teenager got his driver's license...

...and asked his father, who was a minister, if he could use his car.
The father said, "If you bring your grades up, study the Bible, and get a haircut, then you can use the car."
One month later, the teenager asked his father about using the car again. The father said, "Son, I'm proud of you. You have brought your grades up and studied the Bible every day. But you still haven't gotten a haircut!"
His son said, "Dad, in my studying of the Bible, I found that many great people had long hair. Samson had long hair. Moses, Noah, and John the Baptist had long hair. Even Jesus had long hair."
His father said, "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!"

Forgot to bring my protein powder to the gym today

Guess I should've prepared whey in advance

"What's that in the bag?" "An AK-47." "No next to that." "A bag of cheetos."

"You can't bring that into the movie."

A woman is in the hospital in a coma...

and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her c**..., her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes o**... s**... will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."

Can I talk to my son?

A father was nervously waiting for the risky surgery of his son to end. When he saw the doctor come out of the operating room he asked him: Doctor, could I talk to my son? So the doctor reassuringly responds: Of course. Nurse! Bring this man a ouija board!

Hillary is talking to The Pope, and he says...

"With but one wave of my hand, I can make these people feel joy. Joy that nothing else in the world can bring. And it will be an eternal, everlasting joy."
Hillary says "I'll believe that when I see it."
And so, the Pope raises his hand into the air, and slaps her across the face, and the crowd goes wild.

If you were stranded on an island and could bring three items what would you bring?

Michael Phelps, a saddle, and stick with a gold medal on the end.

Some people are like slinkies

Not really good for much, but bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs

Why did the Muslim take his Note 7 onto an airplane?

Do I really have to answer that? Who doesn't bring their phone with them when they travel?

a man goes to a library and asks for a book on s**............

Librarian stares at him for a while, then asks: Who's gonna bring it back ?

When I see lover's names carved in a tree...

I don't think it's sweet. I'm just surprised of how many people bring knives on a date.

A guy goes in for a job interview...

A guy goes in for a job interview.
The manager hands the guy his laptop and says, "I want you to try and sell this to me."
So the guy puts it under his arm, walks out of the building, and goes home.
Eventually, the manager calls the guy and says, "Bring it back here right now!"
The guy says, "$200 and it's yours."

Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar?

Someone told her drinks were on the house.

Grandma's Apple Pie

An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."
Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he comes back empty handed and says "Sorry, grandpa, but grandma says its for after the f**...."

Did Santa get you that?

Cop on horse says to little g**... bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.

The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*c**... goes under the horse, not on top of it!"

I live in North Korea and I'm ready to tell the world what it's really like!

[Edit]: The sun shines brightly on our smiles and future as our glorious leaders bring us joy with their mighty military.

I asked my daughter to bring me my newspaper

She told me that newspapers are oldschool. She said me that people nowadays use tablets and handed me her iPad
That fly didn't stand a chance

What starts with M, ends with E and can bring two people eternal happiness?

Me, I'm a divorce lawyer

Bringing her home to meet mother

I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.

Roy Moore says he'll bring Alabama values to Washington, but I'm not so sure. I mean, he s**... assaulted teenage girls...

But he wasn't related to any of 'em!

The odds of getting on a plane with a bomb on it are 950,000 to one -

The odds of getting on a plane with two bombs on it are closer to 700,000,000 to one So, to be safe, I always bring my own bomb.
S. W.

Two homeless dudes sit on a park bench

One askes the other: Did you bring bread for the pigeons?
The other replies: No, I eat them without the bread.

I asked my GF, "Why do abortion jokes made you laugh so much?"

She said, "because they bring out the kid in me."


I was on sofa next to my wife who was eating and typing on her phone. So I heard my phone ringing at the kitchen where I was charging it. So I went to check , the sms was from my wife and she wrote "bring the salt on your way back."

Gender is like the Twin Towers

There used to be two, and now it's a really touchy subject to bring up

An American tourist in Australia was in an accident.

The next day he woke up in the hospital and asked, "Did you bring me here to die?"
The orderly said, "No, mate, we brought you here yesterday."

A savage wife

Wife : I am going to London for a month.What should I bring for you?
Husband: A nice British Blonde...
*after 1 month*
Husband : Where is my gift?
Wife : Wait for 9 months.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.

In self-defense the man says, Who told you that drinking is bad?
Nun : "Mother Superior told me."
Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"
Nun : "No, I haven't ever taken a drink of hard liquor."
Man : "Well, don't criticize me if you haven't tried it. I'll tell you what if you try it and don't like it, I'll give up drinking for life."
Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don't want people thinking I'm drinking."
The man goes up to the bartender and says, Bring me a couple of shots of v**... but bring one of them in a tea cup.
The bartender looked at the man and said, Is that nun in here again?

My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!

"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"
My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"
I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"

(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways...)

A little girl asks her father: "Daddy, what is corruption?"

-- Go bring me a beer and I'll tell you.
-- But mommy said you should stop drinking!
-- Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.
-- Oh, okay!

A British man was talking to his friend about his views on Brexit...

"These b**... immigrants come over here. They're up to no good, right? I hate these b**... immigrants. They need to go back to where they came from."

His friend replies with "But why do you hate them so much?"

The British man replies, "I'll tell you why I hate them, I'll tell you why. It's because they're not even trying to be British. That's why. They don't even TRY to be British. They come here, and bring their own b**... culture. They bring their own food, spit their own b**... languages, try to take over the whole b**... place."
His friend replies with "Well, that sounds British to me"

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business.

His mother walks in. "Honey, come meet my new boyfriend!"
"I'm kind of busy right now. Can you bring him in here instead?"
A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey, champ! How you doing?"
The kid ignores him.
"Don't like champ, huh? That's fine. How about BlueDragon72?"
The kid turns his head quickly. "I haven't heard that name since I was ten..." He then realized. "It can't be.."
"Call of Duty, right? I told you I'd bang your mom."

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.

The CDC recommends that f**... gatherings be limited to 30 people and holiday gatherings be limited to 6 people.

f**... proceedings for Gobbles the turkey will be held on November 26th and again on December 25th. Please bring beer to celebrate his life.

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.

Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.

A man is dying. He lies in his bed with his wife next to him.

He says to her:
'you remember when i lost my job some years ago?'
'you were by my side'
'and when our son died in a car c**...?'
'you were by my side'
'and now I'm dying of cancer you're still by my side'
'you know what?'
'i think you bring me bad luck'

Cops gave me a ticket for doing 120 in a 55....

When he asked me why I was going so fast, I told him, "My wife left me for a police officer last week. I thought you were him trying to bring her back."

My 72-year-old mother just informed me that she's going to her first s**... party and doesn't know what to bring.

After some delicate questioning, gender reveal, mom. It's called gender reveal .

A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.

He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.
"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.
"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.
"Then where are the other 11 kids?"
"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.

The Italian Mother

Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is
going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you
try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them
down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Mama, guess which one am I going to marry?"
Mama says immediately, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"
Mama replies: "I don't like her."

I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him $20 would you buy booze? He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you $20 will you buy hunting gear? He again said no, he stopped hunting 5 years ago.

So then I said I'll do you better than $20. I'll take you home let you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $20.
He asked me won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter.
I just wanted her to see what happens to a man when he stops drinking & hunting!

I was at a job interview today...

When the manager handed me a laptop and said,
I want you to sell this to me.
So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home.
Eventually he called me and said, Bring my laptop back now.
I said, £200 and it's yours.

How do you impress a baker?

Bring them flours.
Happy cake day, ya filthy b**...

A man's printer started printing more and more faintly, so he called a local repair shop.

A friendly young man informed him, Well, you could bring it in for a cleaning, but we charge $50 for that, so you might be better off just reading the manual and trying the job yourself.
Pleasantly surprised by this candor, the man said, Thanks, son. Does your boss know that you discourage business?
Actually, it was my boss's idea, said the young employee. He says that if we let people try to fix things themselves first, we end up making even more money!

An American woman goes to Italy on business and asks her husband what she could bring back for him.

He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"
When she returns home he picks her up at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good," she replies.
"And did you bring something home for me?"
"Something, did I forget?" she asks.
"The Italian girl I asked for," he replies jokingly.
"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."

Why is it cheaper to throw a party in a haunted house?

Because the ghosts will bring the boos

On a date

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet.
I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

How to impress women

A guy walks into a bar carrying a couple of axes and orders a beer. "What've ya got there?" the bartender asks. "Oh, these are some of my new axes I bought online," the guy says. "I order them in from countries overseas. I just love how they smell." "Well, that's all fine and good, I guess. But why did you bring them to the bar?" the bartender asks. "To be honest I was hoping to meet women," the guy replies. "I hear they love foreign axe scents."

Grandpa, these dishes on the dinner table are a little dirty

Grandfather replied: there as clean as cold water can get 'em

Next day:

Grandpa these dishes are still dirty, do we not have much cold water?
Grandpa: cold water runs all day, so those dishes are as clean as cold water can get
Alright, whatever you say
Day after:
Grandpa and grandkid are finishing dinner
Kid: grandpa I think I see a dog outside! Can we bring him in?
Grandpa: sure!
Grandpa opens the door
(This joke was from my grandmother years ago)

A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike...

A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, Did Santa get you that?
Yes, replies the little girl.
Well, says the policeman, tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year, and fines her $5.
The girl looks up at the policeman and says, Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that? The policeman chuckles and replies, He sure did!
Well, says the little girl, next year, tell Santa the a**... goes on the back of the horse and not on top of it.

Bring joke, A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike...

jokes about bring