Bring Jokes
135 bring jokes and hilarious bring puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bring that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you looking for ways to bring a little extra laughter into your life? Check out this article to discover how to bring it on with the best jokes, bring back Boris Johnson's famous one-liners, and even deliver a joke or two to your home with Carrion!
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Funniest Bring Short Jokes
Short bring jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bring humour may include short coming jokes also.
- My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again. Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.
- Doctor: (handing me my new born baby) I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it Me: (handing baby back to him) Bring me the one my wife made
- My girlfriend is so smart! I forgot to bring my phone, so I used my friend's phone to call her.
She answered: "What's up, honey?"
What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone! - Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today? My wife: It's impossible to live with him. He's too literal.
Me: My truck. - Security officer: If you find a USB outside, don't bring it into the office Me (taking notes): Note to self: Only bring international bees into the office
- Whenever I see two lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I think it's shocking how many people bring a knife on a date.
- My fencing opponent laughed at me for bringing a block of cheddar to a sword fight. Until he discovered it was extra sharp.
- You know why I hate elevators? Half the time they are up to something, the other half they are just bringing you down. I should really start taking steps to avoid them..
- I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not. I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"
- From my 7yo Nephew, Why should you always bring toilet paper to gatherings? For all the party poopers!
Share These Bring Jokes With Friends
Bring One Liners
Which bring one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bring? I can suggest the ones about laden and deliver.
- How do you milk sheep? Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1000 for it.
- science builds planes and skyscrapers but faith brings them together.
- If April showers bring May flowers, then what do May Flowers bring? Genocide
- Abortions are so fun It really brings out the kid in you
- "What makes you qualified to be a waiter" I feel like I bring a lot to the table
- I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in roman numeral I M LIVID
- You should always bring two pairs of pants golfing. Just in case you get a hole in one.
- Why did the Mexican Army only bring 5000 soldiers to the Alamo? They only had 2 vans
- Why are Canadians so good at sports? They always bring their eh game
- i tried to ignore my girlfriend's bulimia but she kept bringing it back up
- My wife is like gravity Always there, and constantly bringing me down
- If April Showers bring May Flowers, then what do May Flowers bring? Smallpox.
- Why did the girl get the waitress job? You could say she brings a lot to the table....
- Why did the blonde bring a ladder to the bar? Someone told her drinks were on the house.
- Why did Snoop Dogg bring an umbrella? There was a Lil Wayne outside
Bring Awareness Jokes
Here is a list of funny bring awareness jokes and even better bring awareness puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- There Should Be A Day For Bringing Awareness To Calling The Cops 9/11
- October is both Cyber Security and Breast Cancer Awareness month! Therefore I'm offering a two-for-one special.
Bring your laptop to me for virus removal and receive a free breast exam!
Bring It On Jokes
Here is a list of funny bring it on jokes and even better bring it on puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Paratrooper: What happens if my parachute doesn't open? Sergeant: Bring it back and we'll give you a new one.
- If I bring you breakfast in bed, just say, "Thanks." Not "Who are you?" and "How did you get in my apartment?"
- COVID is bringing everyone a little closer to being Batman Either you are wearing a mask or your parents are dead.
- Did you guys hear about the kid getting arrested for bringing a clock to school? Sources say that the teachers were alarmed.
- A younger chimp asks one of his elders what's a conditioned reflex. The older chimp says: "When I press this red button an idiot in a white coat will open that door and bring us some bananas."
- My neighbor claims his Golden Retriever dog can bring a ball back from half a mile away.. That seems a bit far-fetched to me..
- Some people are like slinkies Not really good for much, but bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs
- I attended a meet called "How Stop Taking Things Literally". "What brings you here?" asked the host on my first day.
I said, "My legs." - Why is it cheaper to throw a party in a haunted house? Because the ghosts will bring the boos
- My sister asked me to bring her something hard to write on. Still don't know why she got so mad. It's pretty hard to write on sand.
Rib-Tickling Bring Jokes that Bring Friends Together
What funny jokes about bring you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean mach jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bring pranks.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said
"I want you to try to sell this to me."
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"
I said "$200 and it's yours."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant...
There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a s**... count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.
I was told to bring a box of tissues with me when my friends and I watched Bambi.
You can imagine my disappointment.
An Asian woman brings her large Irish boyfriend to meet her traditional parents
Her mother says:
"You bring great Shamus to this family."
The world's leading scientists build a lie-detecting machine...
...so powerful that if you are detected to be lying, it you immediately drop dead.
They bring around three test subjects. The first one, an Irishman, is hooked to the machine. He says, "I think I don't drink" and the next moment, he's dead. Next, it's the Asian's turn. She says, "I think I'm a good driver" and what do you know! She too is killed instantly. Then the blonde walks up and confidently begins,"I think—" and drops dead.
My wife asked me to bring home stuff for the pancakes yesterday.
She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.
Why did Mike Tyson bring his calculator to church?
He was invited to thunday math.
A week before Memorial Day, kids bring pictures of veteran family members to school for show and tell.
First up was Mary. "My daddy served in Afghanistan. He was a paratrooper."
"A paratrooper?" Asked the teacher, who was awed.
"Yes, please look closer -- you can see his jump badge."
Second was Joe. "My granny served in Vietnam. She was a doctor."
"A doctor?" Asked the teacher, who was moved.
"Yeah, see? That's a stethoscope hanging around her neck."
Third was little Johnny, "This is my great grandpa. He was an electrician."
"An electrician?" Asked the teacher, who was perplexed.
"Yeah, here. You can see the two lightning bolts on his helmet"
My boss told me not to bring my lunch to work in a brown paper bag.
I told him that I'll drink my lunch how I want.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Woman in a coma
Two nurses are giving a woman in a coma a sponge bath. They notice that when they get near her private areas that she starts to get a little stimulated. The theorize that o**... s**... will bring her out the coma. They go out into the lobby and tell her husband their theory. The husband is a little aprehensive about it at first, but he agrees to do it. The nurses leave the man with his wife and give him some privacy. They come back about 10 minutes later and the woman is dead! "What happened?" asks one of the nurses. The man replies, "I dont know...I think she choked."
A Jewish grandmother is walking on the beach with her grandson...
Suddenly, a rogue wave comes in and sweeps the grandson out to sea. Distraught, the grandmother looks to the sky and says, "Oh god, i have always been true and faithful to you. Please bring my grandson back." And with that, another wave comes in and deposits the grandson safely on the shore. The grandmother once again looks to the sky and says, "He had a hat."
A pig with wings walks into a bar. Stunned, the bartender says
"You can't bring food in here from another restaurant! Even if you are a cop!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man sees his dog chew up and s**... a pencil
Concerned, he immediately phones the vet.
"Doctor, my dog just chewed up and swallowed my pencil! What should i do?"
"Hmm...that sounds serious. You better bring him to me. I'll see you within a half hour."
"Yes, doctor, but what should I do in the meantime?"
"Use a pen."
Y'know what really brings out the inner child in you?
Abortion
A teenager got his driver's license...
...and asked his father, who was a minister, if he could use his car.
The father said, "If you bring your grades up, study the Bible, and get a haircut, then you can use the car."
One month later, the teenager asked his father about using the car again. The father said, "Son, I'm proud of you. You have brought your grades up and studied the Bible every day. But you still haven't gotten a haircut!"
His son said, "Dad, in my studying of the Bible, I found that many great people had long hair. Samson had long hair. Moses, Noah, and John the Baptist had long hair. Even Jesus had long hair."
His father said, "Yes, and they walked everywhere they went!"
Forgot to bring my protein powder to the gym today
Guess I should've prepared whey in advance
"What's that in the bag?" "An AK-47." "No next to that." "A bag of cheetos."
"You can't bring that into the movie."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A woman is in the hospital in a coma...
and the husband is in the waiting room. The doctor comes out and tells the husband every time he gets near her c**..., her heart rate increases, and tells the husband he believes o**... s**... will bring her out of the coma.
The husband enters the room. Shortly after, the doctor hears a flatline and rushes into the room, asking what happened. The husband replies, "I dont know, Doc. I think she choked."
Can I talk to my son?
A father was nervously waiting for the risky surgery of his son to end. When he saw the doctor come out of the operating room he asked him: Doctor, could I talk to my son? So the doctor reassuringly responds: Of course. Nurse! Bring this man a ouija board!
Hillary is talking to The Pope, and he says...
"With but one wave of my hand, I can make these people feel joy. Joy that nothing else in the world can bring. And it will be an eternal, everlasting joy."
Hillary says "I'll believe that when I see it."
And so, the Pope raises his hand into the air, and slaps her across the face, and the crowd goes wild.
If you were stranded on an island and could bring three items what would you bring?
Michael Phelps, a saddle, and stick with a gold medal on the end.
Hillary Clinton walks into a bar...
Hillary Clinton walks into a bar with a pig on a leash.
The bartender looks at them and says "You can't bring that cow in here!"
Hillary replies, "It's a pig, not a cow."
The bartender says "I was talking to the pig."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why did the Muslim take his Note 7 onto an airplane?
Do I really have to answer that? Who doesn't bring their phone with them when they travel?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
So the FBI is reopening their investigation due to emails found on computers at Anthony w**...'s house.
If these emails bring Hillary down, it'll be the first time she's been s**... by a w**... in years.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
a man goes to a library and asks for a book on s**............
Librarian stares at him for a while, then asks: Who's gonna bring it back ?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Would you rather feel the pain of your toes bring crushed in an instant, or spread out over a few years?
In other words, here are your brand new safety shoes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Grandma's Apple Pie
An old man is dying, with his young grandson by his bedside. He asks his grandson to lean over and whispers "Johnny, I smell your grandma's apple pie. Looks like she took it of the oven. Go to the kitchen and bring me a piece. It's my favorite."
Johnny gets up and leaves. 2 minutes later he comes back empty handed and says "Sorry, grandpa, but grandma says its for after the f**...."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Did Santa get you that?
Cop on horse says to little g**... bike, "Did Santa get you that?"
"Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5.
The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"
The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the d*c**... goes under the horse, not on top of it!"
I live in North Korea and I'm ready to tell the world what it's really like!
[Edit]: The sun shines brightly on our smiles and future as our glorious leaders bring us joy with their mighty military.
What starts with M, ends with E and can bring two people eternal happiness?
Me, I'm a divorce lawyer
Bringing her home to meet mother
I told my new girlfriend that my mother was very hard of hearing and that she should speak loud and slow. I told my mother that my girlfriend was mentally challenged and to please be polite.
I'm looking forward to Christmas dinner.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Roy Moore says he'll bring Alabama values to Washington, but I'm not so sure. I mean, he s**... assaulted teenage girls...
But he wasn't related to any of 'em!
The odds of getting on a plane with a bomb on it are 950,000 to one -
The odds of getting on a plane with two bombs on it are closer to 700,000,000 to one So, to be safe, I always bring my own bomb.
S. W.
Two homeless dudes sit on a park bench
One askes the other: Did you bring bread for the pigeons?
The other replies: No, I eat them without the bread.
A husband was sitting next to his wife while she was eating.
He heard his phone's message tone coming from the kitchen. He went to the kitchen and read a message from his wife saying "Please bring the salt on your way back."
A man brings his friend home after work for dinner unannounced
When he tells his wife, she starts screaming:
"I've not done my makeup, I've not dressed up nicely, the house is a mess and I haven't had time to wash the dishes! I'm too tired to cook for both of you, and I haven't done the day's laundry yet! Why on Earth would you bring him here?"
"Because he's considering getting married"
I asked my GF, "Why do abortion jokes made you laugh so much?"
She said, "because they bring out the kid in me."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do native Americans hate April?
Because April showers bring May flowers and Mayflowers bring white people
Why don't Native Americans like to do rain dances in April anymore?
April showers bring Mayflowers.
SMS
I was on sofa next to my wife who was eating and typing on her phone. So I heard my phone ringing at the kitchen where I was charging it. So I went to check , the sms was from my wife and she wrote "bring the salt on your way back."
A woman asked her husband what do you want me to bring for you when i come back from Russia?
The husband said: I've heard that Russian girls are very pretty, bring one of them for me.
After few weeks, the woman comes back from her travel, her husband asks her: where's the girl?
She responds with: you'll have to wait 9 month for her to arrive
A savage wife
Wife : I am going to London for a month.What should I bring for you?
Husband: A nice British Blonde...
*after 1 month*
Husband : Where is my gift?
Wife : Wait for 9 months.
A German was packing his luggage for holiday when his wife interrupts him...
"I hope you're not going to bring sausages again", she said, "They exploded everywhere last time and caused a frightful scene!"
"It'll be fine", He said, "Stop worrying about the wurst case scenario".
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man is drinking in a bar when a nun harasses him about drinking.
In self-defense the man says, Who told you that drinking is bad?
Nun : "Mother Superior told me."
Man : "So, have you ever tried it?"
Nun : "No, I haven't ever taken a drink of hard liquor."
Man : "Well, don't criticize me if you haven't tried it. I'll tell you what if you try it and don't like it, I'll give up drinking for life."
Nun : "Okay but bring it in a tea cup. I don't want people thinking I'm drinking."
The man goes up to the bartender and says, Bring me a couple of shots of v**... but bring one of them in a tea cup.
The bartender looked at the man and said, Is that nun in here again?
My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!
"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"
My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"
I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"
(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways...)
A little girl asks her father: "Daddy, what is corruption?"
-- Go bring me a beer and I'll tell you.
-- But mommy said you should stop drinking!
-- Get yourself an ice-cream too while you bring me that beer.
-- Oh, okay!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A British man was talking to his friend about his views on Brexit...
"These b**... immigrants come over here. They're up to no good, right? I hate these b**... immigrants. They need to go back to where they came from."
His friend replies with "But why do you hate them so much?"
The British man replies, "I'll tell you why I hate them, I'll tell you why. It's because they're not even trying to be British. That's why. They don't even TRY to be British. They come here, and bring their own b**... culture. They bring their own food, spit their own b**... languages, try to take over the whole b**... place."
His friend replies with "Well, that sounds British to me"
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A depressed man walks into a library
Depressed man: do you have any books on s**...?
Library staff: yes it's on the third shelf over there
Depressed man: walks to third shelf
Depressed man after a few minutes: I can't seem to find any.
Library staff: yep it's awful cause they never bring them back
My grandfather used to say " never bring a knife to a gunfight"!!
He was right. The paintball arena banned me for life.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The CDC recommends that f**... gatherings be limited to 30 people and holiday gatherings be limited to 6 people.
f**... proceedings for Gobbles the turkey will be held on November 26th and again on December 25th. Please bring beer to celebrate his life.
A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
Thank you honey, she says, Is there anything I can bring back for you?
He laughs, and says, An Italian girl!
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, How was the trip?
Very good, she replies.
And what happened to my present?
Which present? she asks.
The one I asked for - an Italian girl!
Oh, that. I did what I could. We'll just have to wait 9 months to see if it's a girl.
Cops gave me a ticket for doing 120 in a 55....
When he asked me why I was going so fast, I told him, "My wife left me for a police officer last week. I thought you were him trying to bring her back."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The newly appointed army captain, while inspecting the soldiers' barracks, saw a female horse.
**Captain**: What's that horse for?
**Soldier**: Our men use her if they can no longer control the urge, sir.
**Captain**: Ah, that's fine then.
One lonely night, the captain felt the urge, so he asked the soldier to bring the horse to his tent. When the captain was done with the horse, he said to the soldier waiting outside his tent.
**Captain**: It's so d**... hard! How the h**... do you guys do it?
**Soldier**: We ride on the horse to the next town where the girls are, sir.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
My 72-year-old mother just informed me that she's going to her first s**... party and doesn't know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, gender reveal, mom. It's called gender reveal .
A man with 12 kids was trying to rent a house. However, no landowner would allow him to rent their house due to the number of children he had. Frustrated, the man told his wife to visit her father's tombstone and bring all but their youngest child with her.
He then visited a property and told the landowner that he would like to rent the place.
"Is this your only child?" asked the landowner.
"No, I have 12 children" replied the man.
"Then where are the other 11 kids?"
"In the cemetery with my wife," he calmly replied.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why didn't Gandalf bring h**... to Bilbo's birthday party?
Because he is not a conjurer of cheap tricks.
I took my daughter to my office for, "Bring your kid to work day". BIG MISTAKE!
After meeting everyone she started getting cranky and began to cry. As everyone gathered around to try to console her, she looked at me and in a loud voice complained, "Where are all the clowns you tell me & mommy you work with everyday?"
The Italian Mother
Giuseppe excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and that he is
going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Mama, I'm going to bring over three women and you
try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees.
The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house, sits them
down on the couch and they chat for a while.
He then says, "Okay, Mama, guess which one am I going to marry?"
Mama says immediately, "The one on the right."
"That's amazing, Mama. You're right. How did you know?"
Mama replies: "I don't like her."
I saw a homeless man & I asked him if I gave him $20 would you buy booze? He said no he hadn't had a beer in years. Then I said if I give you $20 will you buy hunting gear? He again said no, he stopped hunting 5 years ago.
So then I said I'll do you better than $20. I'll take you home let you all cleaned up. My wife will cook a fantastic meal for you. Then I'll bring you back & still give you $20.
He asked me won't she get mad? I said it didn't matter.
I just wanted her to see what happens to a man when he stops drinking & hunting!
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
How do you impress a baker?
Bring them flours.
Happy cake day, ya filthy b**...
A man's printer started printing more and more faintly, so he called a local repair shop.
A friendly young man informed him, Well, you could bring it in for a cleaning, but we charge $50 for that, so you might be better off just reading the manual and trying the job yourself.
Pleasantly surprised by this candor, the man said, Thanks, son. Does your boss know that you discourage business?
Actually, it was my boss's idea, said the young employee. He says that if we let people try to fix things themselves first, we end up making even more money!
An American woman goes to Italy on business and asks her husband what she could bring back for him.
He laughs and says, "An Italian girl!"
When she returns home he picks her up at the airport and asks, "So, honey, how was the trip?"
"Very good," she replies.
"And did you bring something home for me?"
"Something, did I forget?" she asks.
"The Italian girl I asked for," he replies jokingly.
"Oh, that," she says. "Well, I did what I could. Now we have to wait nine months to see if it's a girl."
How to impress women
A guy walks into a bar carrying a couple of axes and orders a beer. "What've ya got there?" the bartender asks. "Oh, these are some of my new axes I bought online," the guy says. "I order them in from countries overseas. I just love how they smell." "Well, that's all fine and good, I guess. But why did you bring them to the bar?" the bartender asks. "To be honest I was hoping to meet women," the guy replies. "I hear they love foreign axe scents."
