Brilliant Jokes
85 brilliant jokes and hilarious brilliant puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about brilliant that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Are you ready to experience some brilliant, glorious and marvelous jokes? This article is the perfect one for you! We'll go through some brilliant rude jokes, brilliant Christmas jokes, and brilliant Irish jokes. Make sure to check it out and get ready to have your heart filled with joy!
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Funniest Brilliant Short Jokes
Short brilliant jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The brilliant humour may include short fantastic jokes also.
- Why doesn't Sherlock Holmes pay any income tax? Because he makes so many brilliant deductions.
- I've just finished reading a brilliant book titled, "How to avoid getting ripped off". Best $600 I have ever spent!
- I'm at the beach with my friend. He's a huge prankster. He's just gone way out into the water with some of that red food colouring.
Hasn't moved for about ten minutes. Brilliant. - Brilliant idea for a start-up Imma build a new operating system which, when the disk gets full, randomly deletes half your files.
Gonna call it thanOS. - Two aerials (antennas) meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.
- I've got a friend who's a psychopath and he's got a brilliant sense of humour. He kills me!
- Soon enough, Apple will make the brilliant move of following a big trend in the gaming industry... ..."remastering" the ORIGINAL iPhone rather than releasing a new model.
- My friend's dog has been trained to sniff drugs. It's brilliant, he can even roll up his own $20 bill.
- I got one of those Humpty Dumpty toys from Aldi. It's brilliant.
It comes with Aldi King's horses and Aldi King's men. - Just made up a joke and it's brilliant! What does Donald trump and a Mac book pro have in common? They aren't PC
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Brilliant One Liners
Which brilliant one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with brilliant? I can suggest the ones about excellent and genius.
- I once saw a skit about public hanging It had brilliant execution.
- What is so brilliant with a Arabian blow-up doll? They blow themselves up.
- Did you hear about that brilliant Irish investor? His money just keeps Dublin
- I bought some of that emo grass seed, it's brilliant. The grass cuts itself.
- My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it's gone.
- I used to be brilliant at robotic dancing. I'm a bit rusty now though.
- Gaston was actually very brilliant. He won the No Belle Prize
- What one fish warned another fish against is brilliant. Clickbait
- Milk is a brilliant drink. I guess you could call it LEGENDAIRY.
- What do you call a brilliant gay person? Homogeneous
- Once Upon a Time Is a brilliant series
- My friend found a brilliant sausage website I've asked him to send me a link
- Sunlight? ...brilliant!
- - Where do you see yourself in 5 years? - I was blinded by the brilliant prospects!
- I have a brilliant dish washer at home That's why I married her
Amusing & Witty Brilliant Jokes for Laughter-Filled Fun
What funny jokes about brilliant you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean superb jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make brilliant pranks.
BUD LIGHT AND SWEET TEA
A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue. Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husbandcomes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me up." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husbandcomes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea andstart swishing it in your mouth but don't s**.... Just keep swishingand swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking freshand reborn. Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husbandcame home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn'ttouch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Apparently Muslims invented the c**....
As it turns out, Muslims in the middle east one day came up with the brilliant idea to use goat intestines as a suitable c**.... It wasn't, however, until in 1827 when the British perfected the idea by taking the intestines *out* of the goat first.
A man visits his doctor...
and asks him how to improve his s**... performance because he has a date with his girlfriend the next day. The doctor suggests m**... a couple of hours before a s**... encounter.
After leaving the doctor's office, he decides he needs to find a window of time to do the deed. He can't risk doing it at work for fear of being fired, and he can't do it at home because he is meeting his girlfriend at a nice restaurant and won't have time to stop. After a little more thinking, he devises a brilliant plan: he will pretend he is fixing the underside of his car and do it there so no one can see him.
The next day, the man leaves work and heads to the restaurant. He pulls over to the side of the busy highway, discreetly slides under his car, closes his eyes and begins furiously slapping the salami. Some time goes by when another car pulls up behind him. A police officer steps out and says, "Excuse me sir, can I ask what you're doing there?"
"Oh, I'm just fixing my axles." The man replies.
The officer responds, "Well you might want to fix your brakes too, because your car rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
The referee
I refereed a women's football match yesterday. It was brilliant.
I booked two for muttering under their breath, one for the silent treatment and I sent one off without explanation and left her wondering what she'd done wrong.
Surgery
After her fifth child, Jane decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery "down below" to restore herself to her former youthful glory because her gammon was dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace. Time and childbirth had taken its toll and she reckoned that, with five children now being the limit, she'd tidy things with a n**... here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
"Who are these from?" she asked the nurse, "They're very nice but I'm a bit confused as to why I've received them". "Well" said the nurse, "The first is from the surgeon - the operation went so well and you were such a model patient that he wanted to say thanks".
"Ah, that's really nice" said Jane.
"The second is from your husband - he's delighted the operation was such a success that he can't wait to get you home. Apparently it'll be the first time he's touched the sides for years and he's very excited!".
"Brilliant!" said Jane." "And the third?".
"That's from Eric in the burns unit" said the nurse..............he just wanted to say thanks for his new ears."
Raisin Bread
A baker hires a young female assistant who likes to wear very short skirts and a thong. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the assistant and then at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely. The girl nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man, standing almost directly beneath her, gets an excellent view just as he planned. Once she comes down he says he should get two loaves, as he is having company for dinner. As the girl retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what is going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder, the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread, just to see her climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd, staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man: "Is it raisin for you, too?" "No," stammers the old man: "but it's quivering a bit!"
Must be one-of-a-kind...
Years ago, my older friend told me a joke that I have never heard from anyone else to this day. The joke itself is brilliantly s**....
"What did the egg say to the p**... of boiling water?"
"It's going to take a moment for me to get hard; I just got laid by some chick."
I watched a documentary on Jesus the other day.
It was brilliant. Never had I experienced such thought provoking story telling in a documentary.
I particularly enjoyed the end. I think they absolutely nailed it.
Muslim Band
I went to see a Muslim Tribute band last night at a Mosque.
They were called "Bomb Jovi" and I thought they were brilliant.
They performed songs like:
"Losing my Head over You",
"Rocket Launcher Man",
"You're Six, you're Beautiful, and you're Mine".
Their last song "Living on a Prayer Mat" almost brought the house down!
Then I heard this Muslim guy saying he had the entire Koran on a DVD.
I was interested, so I asked him, "Can you burn me a copy?"
Well that was when the trouble started.
So Danny Ings is about to play his first game for Liverpool...
...Brendan Rodgers says: "We'll give you 45 minutes, then pull you off at half time."
Danny exclaims: "That's brilliant, we only used to get an orange at Burnley"
Blonde and the pervert.
Who's really annoyed because a pervert keeps peeping through the keyhole while shes in the bathroom. One day she has a brilliant idea though. So the next day the pervert sees the blonde going to the bathroom, as the pervert approaches the bathroom he notices something odd.... the door isn't there anymore and he can see the blonde completely n**... changing her clothes. The blonde laughs at the pervert and says "Can't peep through the keyhole anymore!"
What's the difference between a light bulb and a pregnant woman?
You can unscrew the light bulb.
(Spoken by the brilliant Steve Martin in "My Blue Heaven")
I've invented a golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4 inches.
They work brilliantly, just don't carry them in your back pocket.
a Russian man goes to a job interview
A Russian man that has been recently fired from his accountant job goes to a job interview for a new law firm in Moscow. During the interview the man that has been reading his resume exclaims excited "sir, you have a brilliant record!" and the accountant responds "I now, I wrote it in tin foil paper"
After seven years of medical training and hard work
my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
After seven years of medical training and hard work, my very good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion and I think it's outrageous . He slept with one of his patients and now can no longer work in the profession that he loves
What a waste of time, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
Devastated. A very sad day today. After seven years of training in the medical fields and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money...
A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.
A picture worth millions
A Lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector called him and said, "Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."
The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; Let's hear the good news first."
The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today and she informed me that she invested $1,500 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. And I think she could be right."
Paul replied enthusiastically, "Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You've just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?"
The lawyer replied, "The pictures are of you & your secretary."
The Ku Klux k**......
It's worth joining just to find out the name of the brilliant laundry detergent they use.
This made me smile for days
Absolutely devastated.
A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
"I know what you have been s**... on"
My nephew has a habit of s**... his thumb, so i had a brilliant idea to make him stop. I told him people that s**... their thumbs become fat.
At the store yesterday however, we ran across a pregnant lady and he had the great idea to shout "I know what you have been s**... on" in the middle of the store.
What did Jesus say to Albert Einstein when Einstein died?
"We could have used a brilliant mind like yours in Heaven. Too bad you are a Jew."
Einstein replied, "That explains why you're here with me."
Three engineers are discussing God's engineering background.
The first one says, "God was clearly an electrical engineer. The human nervous system is a feat of electrical engineering genius!"
The second one says, "Absolutely not! He was a mechanical engineer. The way the muscles and bones interact are mechanically brilliant!"
The third one says, "Nope, you're both idiots. God was a civil engineer. Who else would run a sewage line right through a playground?"
Sailor with a Small Head
One day, a man sees a sailor walking around, and he notices that the sailor has a very small head.
The man asks the sailor, "Why is your head so small?" The sailor replies, "When I was sailing, I saw a beautiful mermaid, and she said she would grant me one wish. And you know what, I thought about it for a while, until a brilliant idea struck. I went over to the mermaid, and asked, 'How about a little head?'"
My unemployed alcoholic father has a brilliant legal mind.
Unfortunately he's never passed a bar.
VERY SAD DAY.
A good friend of mine, after 7 yrs of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying on his school loans. This just goes to show one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family. He really is a great guy and would have been a brilliant veterinarian.
A sad day for a doctor
After 7 years of study, training and hard work, a member of the medical profession has been fired after one minor lack of judgment. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession.
What a waste of time, effort, training and money. This shows that one minor mistake can ruin your career. Praying for him and his family. He was a genuinely nice guy, and a brilliant veterinarian.
George Washington: "We should put 'We trust in God' on our money"
John Adams: "Brilliant idea! Did you get that?"
Yoda: *taking note* "Yep"
I'm in a band called Redundancies and we are brilliant.
But I feel like that didn't need to be said.
A woman runs into a police station and shouts, "Help, I've been graped!"
The officer on duty replies, "Do you mean r**...?"
"No there were a bunch of them"
Credit to Ricky Gervais, his new special is brilliant.
An Australian man is walking across Sydney Harbour Bridge when he sees his ex-girlfriend standing on the railings ...
An Australian man is walking across Sydney Harbour Bridge when he sees his ex\-girlfriend standing on the railings, about to commit s**.... He apporaches her and asks:
\- Hey Sheila, what's the matter?
Tears in here eyes, she says:
\- I'm pregnant Bruce, and it's your baby!
To which Bruce replies:
\- Woah Sheila, not only are you brilliant in bed \- you're also a great sport!
My friend got fired recently...
After years of medical training, a friend of mine was fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients, so he can no longer work in his profession. I feel really bad for him because he is a genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
A blonde joins a book club.
She goes along to the first meeting and it's her turn to share what she's been reading this week.
"Well, it took me a while to finish, but this was a brilliant read and I highly recommend it". She pulls out a bookmark and shows it to the group.
One of the members says, "Um... That's not a book"
"What are you talking about? Mark at the library gave me this when I asked him for a book!"
Intelligent Minds
Albert Einstein: Genius mind
Isaac Newton: Extraordinary mind
Bill Gates: Brilliant mind
You: Never mind
This farmer was telling me about how brilliant his sheepdog was at maths,
"Watch this," he said. "Shep, what's seven plus two, "
And the dog barked ten times.
"OK, Shep, what's fifteen plus four. "
And the dog barked twenty times.
"He's very good, " I replied, but he's a little over. "
"Yeah, " answered the farmer, "old habits die hard, he's just rounding them up. "
Best pickup line ever
A guy beckons a girl to come over with one finger
Yes, she says as she approaches the guy
Brilliantly, he replies if I could get you to come with one finger, imagine what I could do with two!
My grandfather was a brilliant artist.
He had an amazing s**....
That's how he died.
My father always told me lick the knife to get the last little bit of meat juices.
Brilliant dad, terrible surgeon.
My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!
"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"
My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"
I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"
(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief our own ways...)
Just started a business selling birds. The profits are brilliant.
So far I have sold some homing pigeons 25 times this week already.
*David Beckham* gets in a taxi at Dublin airport.
He notices the driver staring at him insistently in the rearview mirror.
After 5 minutes the taxi driver asks, Ok. At least give me a hint"
David Beckham sighs and says I had a brilliant career at Manchester United, married one of the Spice Girls and played for more than 100 times for England's national team. Enough?"
Driver replies: No, you eejit! Where are we going??
Today is a VERY, VERY sad day.
VERY VERY VERY SAD DAY. A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He is still paying his school loans. This just goes to show you one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family.
He really is a great guy and a brilliant veterinarian.
What's Kanye West's brilliant economic plan as president?
To put 50 cent into the Treasury
Camel Joke
A young camel asks his mother
Why do I have a big h**... on my back
The mother replies
You use it to store water when your in the desert
That's cool says the young camel And why do I have these big hooves
The mother answers Your hooves stop you from sinking in the quicksand when your in the desert
That's brilliant says the young camel Why do I have such long eyelashes
They stop sand from going into your eyes while wandering the desert his mother explains
The young camel pauses for a moment
Well, why am I in the zoo
Some sad news today.
After seven years of medical training, my friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer do the job he loves. What a waste of training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.
I was showing my friend my new golf ball.
I was showing my friend my new golf ball.
"It's impossible to lose," I said. "If you hit it into the rough it sends out a GPS signal so you can track it down."
"That's great," he replied, "but what happens if you it hit into the water?"
"Simple. The ball floats to the surface and tracks its way back toward you and you just scoop it back out."
"Brilliant!" he said, "Where did you get it?"
"I found it."
An American white guy visits India.
Wanting to get a more authentic experience, he goes to an Indian restaurant and tells them to serve him their specials, no questions asked. After eating a few bites, he calls the waiter and says, "Hey, this is brilliant food, but I just have a tiny request. This is a tad bit too spicy for my taste, so could you please ask the chef to make my food less spicy than this please?"
The waiter perplexed, looks at the man and says "Sir,
....this is dessert"
At a frat party, a young man fell off the balcony and tragically passed away
His physics professor came to give a eulogy. He said He was such a brilliant student. Right at the end of his life, he had so much potential.
Missed Orientation Class of Fight Club
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I'd highly recommend Fight Club.
Not mine and could be old but this will not age
While waiting in line at the entrance to a museum, my 16-year old daughter ran up to my wife and me and said, Mom, Dad! We need to get a line form!
Confused, I said A line form? She said, Yes, I think you have to turn it in right over there before you can go in. She pointed to the entrance.
That's when I looked and saw the sign that said Line Forms Here .
True story. Bonus facts: She's now a brilliant NICU nurse so she redeemed herself, and her siblings never miss the chance to send pictures of Line Forms Here signs to the family chat whenever they see one.
After many years of fighting crime as batman
Bruce Wayne finally got married and had a son. His son turned out to be brilliant at investing, especially in bitcoin, making Wayne Enterprises one of the biggest companies on the planet.
All this time, Bruce had been training him, and when the time was right, Bruce introduced his son to the Justice League, and told them that his son was going to take his place. Everyone was very welcoming, except for superman, who immediately quit the Justice League. He just couldn't work with a crypto knight.
Breaking News: Brilliant scientists managed to find the last digit of pi.
They found it by writing the whole number on your mom's belly.
My 1st cake day, here's my favourite joke for you all:
Graffiti artist writes on the wall: Person who wrote this is brilliant and person who read this is a idiot.
Dave (you know Dave, everybody knows Dave) who used to walk by this sign everyday got angrier and angrier whenever he read this sign.
So one day Dave got an amazing idea, so that night he went to that wall. He cleared up the graffiti and wrote.
*Person who wrote this is an idiot & Person who read this is brilliant*
