Brighten Up Jokes
32 brighten up jokes and hilarious brighten up puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about brighten up that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Brighten Up Short Jokes
Short brighten up jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The brighten up humour may include short brighten your day jokes also.
- How many trans women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one, and you don't even need the lightbulb. Just tell her she's a lovely girl, and she'll brighten up the room instantly.
- Why did the winter solstice make friends with the Christmas lights? They both brighten up the night.
- I need someone good with photography to brighten all my images for me. Hoping you'll do it for the exposure.
- Every time I click "Remember Me" on a login page, I get a little sad thinking about my fleeting existence... ...But some cookies would brighten my day!
Disclaimer: Made this joke up just now. - A blind man walks into a bar... ...to install some new venetians. They've fair brightened the place up!
Prior to this, I thought it was curtains for them! - I complimented my Jewish girlfriend today, but all she did was slap me! Apparently, "You have a smile that could brighten the holocaust" wasn't very appropriate.
- Wanna know how to brighten the day of everyone on Earth? A few dozen strategically placed warheads should do the trick.
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Brighten Up One Liners
Which brighten up one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with brighten up? I can suggest the ones about lighten up and cheer up.
- What's yellow and comes in the morning to brighten every parent's day? The school bus.
- What do I use to brighten my mood when it's dark? A fleshlight.
- The electrician finished fixing my lights I told him he really brightened my day.
- I met a girl who could brighten up the room just by... leaving the room
- I think lamps are my favorite furniture. They're always brightening up my day.
- If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
- So I threw a lamp on my grumpy friend... ... and told him to brighten the f**k up!
Brighten Up Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about brighten up you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean cheering up jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make brighten up pranks.
An 81-year-old man goes to see his doctor.:
An 81-year-old man goes to see his doctor. The doctor says,
I've got some bad news. You have cancer and you have
Alzheimer's. The old man brightens up and replies, At least
it's not cancer!
I like my women like i like my coffee...
...Always there to brighten my morning
...Decaffeinated
...Black and strong
...Tall
...Grande
...Brazilian
...With sauce
...Twice before I leave the house
...Right before I smoke
...Bitter and cold
...At the end of the day, scraped off the bottom of a p**...
...Slow roasted
...Ground up in my freezer
...With boiling water poured over them
...Light and sweet
...A day old
So a doctor is delivering a baby
He walks out of the delivery room, said to a worried looking man:
" we tried our best, your wife survived, but your children...."
After hearing the news the man started to cry, then the doctor said:
"today is April's fool's day! And I'm just kidding with you"
The man's face brightening the doctor continued:
"Your wife is dead too"
A pirate walks into a bar
And sits down next to another pirate. He asks him if he'd like a drink and adjusts his eye patch. The second pirate brightens up and says, "Would I?!"
The first pirate gets up, angry and says "Screw you, peg leg!"
Shirt Size
While working at a men's department store, a woman asked me to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband. When I asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs. "I don't know his size, but my hands fit perfectly around his neck!"
A man asked a scholar if it is okay to scratch your hand while in pilgrimage...
Hey guys, it is bedtime now and am pretty depressed after a long bad day. Remembering this story-found in Arabic literature-made me chuckle so I hope it will brighten your day too.
A man asked a scholar if it is okay to scratch own arm while in pilgrimage?
The scholar: yes, you can.
Man: to what extent?
The scholar: until you see the bones!!!
Santa is stressed...
Many years ago on Christmas Eve, Santa Claus is preparing for his big day tomorrow but nothing is goin well. Half the reindeer are sick, the elves are behind on their work and Mrs Claus' mother-in-law just arrived for the week.
But then an angel appeared at Santa's door with a Christmas tree just for him.
Santa answered the door to find the angel in front of him. Smiling the angel said to Santa
"I found this tree to brighten up your Christmas, now where would you like me to put it?"
And that is how to tradition of the angel at the top of the tree started.
The Irish Nun and warm milk
In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous
Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk. Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us"
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: "
"DON'T SELL THAT COW."
Lawyer found himself with the devil
Having passed on, the lawyer found himself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each clock turned at a different speed and was labeled with the name of a different occupation. After examining all of the clocks, the lawyer turned to the devil and said, "I have two questions, First why does each clock move at a different speed?" The devil replied, 'They turn at the rate at which that occupation sins on the earth. What is your second question?" The lawyer asked where the attorneys' clock was, as he couldn't seem to find it. The devil looked puzzled, then his face brightened and he replied, "Oh, we keep that one in the workshop. It's used as a fan."
"The watch"
My dad just reminded me of this old classic!
Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?" Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says. "Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger. Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolitan areas. He hits a few b**... and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more b**... and the same voice said something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb with admiration. "That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more b**... and a tiny but very hi-resolution, map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state. "I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger. "Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs, says the inventor. "But look at this," and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books," though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far" says Jake. "I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger. "No, you don't understand; it's not ready." "I'll give you $1000 for it!" "Oh, no, I've already spent more than -" "I'll give you $5000 for it!" "But it's just not -" "I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook. Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months. The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it." Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away. "Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries.
Warm Milk
In a convent in Ireland , the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The
nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.
They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a
bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous
Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail
nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had
finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to
have one last talk with their spiritual leader..
"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly,
"Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."
She raised herself up in bed on one elbow,
looked at them and said: "
"DON'T SELL THAT COW."