So Jesus is going over the bill for the Last Supper when the apostles notice he has closed his eyes, and is rubbing the bridge of his nose. Exasperated, he asks: "Why... WHY would anyone order wine?"
If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand
Edit 1: when you cheat in poker you have a partner
Edit 2: this is getting more upvotes than I thought it would get but before someone calls me out on it. This was a Mae West quote about bridge and several Internet memes put poker instead of bridge because more people play poker than bridge and when you cheat in poker you have partners(the poker strategy is called collusion)
Rihanna trips and gets her head stuck between the railings.
Without a sideways glance, Usher pulls aside her G-String and fucks her senseless.
He stands back and tells Justin, "Your turn!"
Justin burst out into tears.
"Whats wrong?", asks Usher.
Justin sobs, "My head won't fit in the railings."
Society
There is no bridge in sight. She sees another blonde across the river and shouts:
How do I get to the other side of the river?!
The other blonde shouts back:
Why? You already are on the other side!
The sign reads **"THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."**
A car speeds through yelling at them *"F*** off you religious nuts!"*
The two guys turn around just in time to see the car disappear into the water.
*"Ya think we should just have our signs say BRIDGE CLOSED instead?"*
Don't do it! You have potential!
....they've found 6 more bodies than there were people missing.
immediately he saw his chance, he walked up to her and asked, "Lady, before you end your life, would you consider doing me a favor and have sex with me?" Disgusted and crying the woman replied, "No, of course not you pervert!" the homeless guy said, "Fine, I'll wait at the bottom."
She was wearing mittens
If you don't have a good a partner, then you better have a good hand.
When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."
The man quickly responds, "Well, I got here as fast as I could!"
I don't know, but at least it isn't a repost
He said "life is great! I live in a $2 million mansion!"
I said "that's nice, I live under a $5 million bridge!"
Hobo: "hey, are you going to jump?"
Woman: "Yes I am going to jump. I can't go on with life"
H: "well, before you do that, don't you want to have sex a last time? like, say, with me?"
W: "ha, definitely not. You'll understand that if I'm about to commit suicide, I'm not really in the mood for sex. Plus, you're ugly and disgusting, so there's no way I will have sex with you"
The hobo sighs, then starts to walk away.
W (shouting at the hobo):"hey! why are you leaving??? aren't you going to try and prevent me from doing this? Tell me that I shouldn't jump?? that suicide isn't a solution? that life is worth living or some shit like that? ANYTHING???"
H: "well, normally I would, but now I gotta hurry so that you're still a bit warm when I reach the foot of the bridge"
A guy is in a rush to get to work, and he driving quickly.
He crosses over a bridge, and get's tagged by a cop and pulled over.
The cop slowly walks up to the car and asks for license and registration.
After they check out the cop returns and says, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" The guys says no. And the cop tells him, "You were speeding....Why were you in such a rush?"
The guy tells him that he was in a rush to get to work, he didn't want to be late because he loved his job.
"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm an asshole stretcher."
The cop puts his glasses up and says "Excuse me? Say again."
"I'm an asshole stretcher."
The cop is pretty perplexed. "How exactly do you do that?"
The guys says, "Well, it's not hard. You start with a pinkie in the asshole, and then your work your way up to both fists, and then you stretch it out to about 6 feet."
The cop is TOTALLY perplexed now. He asks, "What exactly do you do with a 6 foot asshole?"
The guy tells him "You give him a radar gun and put him at the end of a bridge."
rimshot
and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I ran over and said, "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.
I said, "Well there's so much to live for."
"Like what?"
"Well, are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Baptist or Episcopalian!"
"Baptist."
"Me too! Are you Baptist Church or God or Reformed Baptist Church of God"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1893 or Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God Reformation of 1917."
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" as I pushed him off the bridge.
Once I was walking along the Golden Gate Bridge and I saw this guy about to jump.
I said, "Don't jump."
He said, "Nobody loves me."
I said, "God loves you. Are you a Christian or a Jew?"
He said, "A Christian."
I said, "Me too! Protestant or Catholic?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! What denomination?"
He said, "Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference, or Northern Conservative Baptist, Eastern Conference?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist, Great Lakes Conference."
I said, "Me too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Conference, Council of 1912."
I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him off.
--Emo Philips
I've tried to translate this joke from norwegian... Hopefully it is understandable :-)
A young beautiful girl was so depressed with her life, that she would take her own life by jumping from a bridge out in the ocean.
She went to a tall bridge and was just about to jump out, when a young handsome sailor saw her and wondered why she was there and why she was crying.
She replied that she would take her own life and explained why...
The sailor felt sorry for her and said, "Look, you have plenty to live for. I'm leaving for America tomorrow morning and if you want, I can take you with me as a stowaway on the boat".
He moved closer to the girl and put her arm around her, and added
"I'll make you happy, and you make me happy?
"The girl sniffled up: "Yes, what do I have to lose?
That night the sailor smuggled the girl onboard the ship and hid her in one of the lifeboats.
He came to her every third hour with sandwiches, fruits and drinks.
Each time they made love, long and hard.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors" she explained.
"I'll get food and drinks and a trip to America. In return he can fuck me as much as he wants.."
"If that is true, he's a really lucky man; this is the local-ferry from Oslo to Nesodden the captain replyed...
And they're trying to get to the village on the other side
1 blond girl ask god to make her smart,so god turn her into a brunette and she swims across the river
the other girl ask god to make her smarter than the girl that just swam,so god make her into a redhead and she built a raft and paddle across
The last girl ask god to make her smarter than the other two girls,so god make her a man and he uses the bridge
A Politician wanted to build a bridge.
So, he calls 3 engineeering firms. One is Chinese, other is American and the last one is Brazillian.
The politician calls the heads of all the 3 firms to his office.
He asks the Chinese head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"
He says, "3 Million Dollar. 1 Million for the workers, 1 Million for materials, 1 million for the profit."
The Politician asks the American head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"
He says, "6 Million Dollars. 2 Million for the workers, 2 Million for materials, 2 million for the profit."
Finally, the Politician asks the Brazillian head, "How much do you take to build the bridge?"
He replies, "9 Million Dollars."
Suprised, the Politician asks him, "Why? Why so much?"
To which he replies, "3 Million for me, 3 Million for you, and 3 Million for the Chinese guy to build the bridge."
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. I immediately ran over and said "Stop! Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Well ... are you religious or atheist?"
"Religious."
"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"
"Christian."
"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
To which I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
~Emo Philips
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ? " he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."
A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stopped. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, What are you doing?
I'm going to commit suicide, she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity. He asked Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a blow job? So, she does and it was a long, deep and slow blow job.
After she's finished, the biker says, Wow! That was the best blow job I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?
My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.....
A man loses everything by gambling so he decides to go throw himself off a bridge. As he's about to jump, Santa Claus holds his hand and tells him, "Son, I know you lost all your money, house, cars, wife and kids because of gambling. Come suck my dick and I will give everything back to you." The man contemplates for a few seconds and realizes he has nothing left to lose and agrees. After he's done he asks santa when he'll get everything back and santa asks him, "Son, how old are you?"
"55" replies the man.
"55 years old and you still believe in Santa Claus? "
A woman was standing on the edge of a bridge ready to jump, a homeless man approached her and the woman said "NO! NOTHING YOU CAN SAY WILL STOP ME FROM JUMPING, I AM WORTHLESS!!"
The homeless man replied "Okay, fine. But before you do, will you have sex with me? I haven't had sex in 25 years."
The woman replied "No, you're disgusting."
The homeless man turned and began to walk away when the woman said "WAIT! THAT'S IT? YOU'RE NOT GONNA TALK ME OUT OF THIS?"
The homeless man turned, smiled and said, "I'm going to the bottom, if I hurry, you'll still be warm."
constantly saying "63, 63, 63..." over and over. Suddenly a tourist comes by and asks why is he just standing there repeating that number. The man didn't answer, instead he just pushes the tourist off the bridge into the river and says: "64, 64, 64..."
Cr
John is driving north on a highway after a sporting event when he comes to a single lane bridge. He checks the road and begins to cross the river, only to be hit head-on from the oncoming direction. The two cars are completely mangled, but the two drivers are completely fine. John notices that the man who hit him is wearing a jersey from a rival sports team.
The man who caused the accident said, "Hey man, sorry about your car... And even though we represent different teams, I think this is a sign that we should put our differences beside us."
John replies, "I think you're right." He goes and checks his trunk and remarkably pulls out an undamaged bottle of Jack Daniels. "Amazing! How about a drink to celebrate our new friendship?"
The driver agrees and takes a few swigs of the whiskey. He passes the bottle back to John who promptly throws the bottle over the bridge and into the river below. "Oi! What did you do that for? Weren't you going to have some for yourself? What about our new friendship?"
John smirks. "Tell that to the cops when they show up."
A man had just been laid off from work. He was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank below.
He thought, "Life isn't so bad after all," and got off the railing.
He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life.
"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind."
"Dancing? I'm not dancing!" the armless man replied bitterly ... "My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!"
You get to the other side.
An old man is walking along the beach one day when suddenly God appears and says to the man, "You know, you've been a good man and faithful to me all your life. I'm going to grant you one wish. What would you like?"
The man thought about it and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive there any time I want."
God said, "I can't do that, there would be too many problems. Where would I even get all the steel from? Think of something else."
So the man says, "Lord, I've been married and divorced 4 times. All 4 of my wives made me feel like I was doing everything wrong when I thought I was right. Help me understand women."
God replies, "You want two lanes or four?"
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."
The sunny California sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, and the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The man thought for a while, and said, "I want a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges and environmental consequences that kind of undertaking would create. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel would take over thousands of miles! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say "nothing!", and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four?"
A man is walking down the street when he stumbles upon an old lamp. Giving it a rub a genie appears and says to him, "I will grant you one wish, what will it be?"
The man thinks then says "Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I get sea sick and I'm too afraid to fly over all that water. I wish there was a bridge there so I could just drive over!"
The genie replies "No way! Think of how much material that'd be! How about something else?"
The man thinks again and comes up with another idea. "You know, I've always wanted to know how women think. What they feel and their emotions and dislikes. I wish I could understand women!" He grins and looks at the genie expectantly.
"Two or four lanes?"
Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking with someone about Bridge? Well, here are the best Bridge dad jokes to laugh out loud. Crazy funny puns and Bridge pick up lines to share with friends.