Bride Jokes
131 bride jokes and hilarious bride puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bride that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Make your big day even more special with hilarious bride jokes for your wedding speech, bridal shower, or any other festivities! From Princess Bride quotes to funny marriage one-liners, explore this collection of bride jokes to add some humor to your special day!
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Funniest Bride Short Jokes
Short bride jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bride humour may include short groom jokes also.
- Two slices of bread got married. The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.
- My girlfriend is angry with me for incorrectly quoting the Princess Bride Unbelievable!
- Two Inuits marry and consummate that night. The next morning, the bride discovers that she is six months pregnant.
- I looked longingly into my beloved's eyes and whispered, "A, E, I, O, U...and sometimes, Y." The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"
- A newly wed bride asks her husband Why didn't you tell me you are broke before we got married? He replies: I always told you that you are my EVERYTHING!
- What happened at the cannibal's wedding party? They toasted the bride and groom...
My 7yo told me I had to post this. Enjoy the giggle! - I keep making racist jokes about my dad and his Thai bride. He finds it very annoying… ..and so does my dad.
- It's hard to think about my wife, who passed away during delivery Tip: Never, *EVER* go with a mail-order Russian bride who arrives by ship.
- I went to a cannibals wedding last weekend. All was going well, until they decided to toast the Bride and Groom.
- I bought a ticket to world cup finals without realizing it's also my wedding day! Does anyone want to go in my place? The church is St Antony's and the brides' name is Joanna..
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Bride One Liners
Which bride one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bride? I can suggest the ones about groom wedding and wedding.
- I've decided to marry a pencil I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
- Why does a bride always cry at her wedding? Cus she never marries the best man
- Who cares if you pee in the shower? The bride and all her guests, apparently.
- Why does a bride wear white? So the dishwasher matches the rest of the appliances.
- So, I ordered a mail order bride from Czechoslovakia… Turns out she was my Czech mate
- Why did the bride's best friend become a Samurai... because she was made of honour.
- What happens at a cannibal wedding? They toast the bride and groom.
- What did the doctor say to the infertile Princess Bride? Inconceivable!
- Why did the polygamous chicken cross the road? .... to get to the other bride.
- What do you call Leonardo DiCaprio and his fiance on their wedding day? Bride and Groomer
- Where can you bid on internet mail order brides? eBae
- What do you call a Gypsy in a white tracksuit? The bride
- Do you know the one about the bride who choked at the altar? Can't say I do.
- You've never seen The Princess Bride? Inconceivable!
- Why didn't the bride and groom exchange their wedding vows? TL;DR
Bride Groom Jokes
Here is a list of funny bride groom jokes and even better bride groom puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- At the wedding Priest: Will you love & honor her?
Groom: I will
[Bride whispers to priest]
Priest: And leave your phone unlocked?
Groom: I'm out. - I like weddings in Alabama... I normally have to ask which side is for the groom and which is for the bride but in Alabama, they're all family!
- As it is Alabama, It wouldn't be proper without the traditional speech... From the father of the bride and groom.
- At a wedding, tapping on the glass makes the groom and the bride kiss. Smashing the glass however.. Clearly got me kicked out of the house.
- The groom grooms the bride... Before the bride bridles the groom
- Actual exchange the morning of my wedding yesterday: Photographer (to bride): scale of 1 to 10, what's your stress level at?
Bride: 8
Groom (me): WOOHOO SINGLE DIGITS - I was at a wedding where the bride didn't show up. The groom was filled with unbrideled rage.
- Why did the bride and groom get married in a hot tub? So that the bride wouldn't get cold feet.
- I went to a wedding. The bride had something old, something new something borrowed...and the groom had something blew.
- If a groom is a person that takes care of a horse, why don't they call the bride a jockey?
Bride And Groom Jokes
Here is a list of funny bride and groom jokes and even better bride and groom puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What did the snake priest say to the snake groom after the marriage? You may now "hiss" the bride.
Father Of Bride Jokes
Here is a list of funny father of bride jokes and even better father of bride puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Disney is releasing an alternate version of its latest film for the Indian audience where Nemo's father starts looking for a bride for his son. It's called Finding Dowry.
- The bride, upon her engagement, goes to her mother and says, "I've found a man just like Father!"
Her mother replies, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
Hilarious Bride Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about bride you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean fiance jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bride pranks.
I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.
It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.
As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.
As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?"
My wife answered,
"In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
In honor of Lent . . .
It was a young couple's wedding night and as the night wore on the bride grew more and more anxious to consumate their marriage. Finally she said, "Um, honey? It's getting late and aren't we going to - well - do it?" "I can't," said her husband, "it's Lent." "It's lent?!" she exclaimed. "That's ridiculous! To who and for how long?"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The bride asks her husband
The bride asks her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a v**... and I don't know
anything about s**.... Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
The First Night of the Honeymoon
The groom and bride had finally reached their honeymoon suite and both were eager to consummate the marriage as quickly as possible. The groom was a huge man, over 6'6" tall and 250 solid pounds of muscle. The bride a beautiful and diminutive woman.
The groom looked at his beautiful bride, took off his pants and threw them at her feet. "Put those on." He ordered.
She gave him a bewildered expression, but attempted to do as he asked. "They're too big, they won't stay on." She exclaimed.
"That's right, just remember who wears the pants in this family."
She gave him a narrow look and removed her pants and threw them at his feet. "Put those on." She ordered.
The groom could not even get his big toe into his wife's pants. "I.. I can't get into them." He stated struggling.
She declared back: "That's right and until your attitude changes that's the way it's going to be."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why does a bride smile as she walks down the aisle?
She knows she's given her last b**....
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Both Golf
"Honey, I have a confession to make," a guy told his bride. "I'm a golf nut. You'll never see me on weekends during golf season. "
"Well, dear," she murmured. "I have a confession to make too. I'm a h**.... "
"No big deal," replied the groom. "Just keep your head down and your left arm straight! "
Two middle aged gentlemen are seated next to each other at a wedding reception
Gentleman 1: Not too long ago the bride used to play in my lap. Look at her now, getting married, looking so pretty...
Gentleman 2: You must be her uncle, right?
Gentleman 1: Nope. I am her boss.
The Bride of Frankenstein
Dr. Frankenstein: I took the Bride Of Frankenstein to the Caribbean last month.
Igor: Jamaica?
Dr. Frankenstein: Yes.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
The groom, waiting in the church for his bride, has a huge grin on his face...
..."What is wrong with you", asks the best man, "don't you know your life is over?" "No it's not", says the groom, "Last night, I got the best b**... in the history of blow jobs, and I'm marrying this girl. My life is set." Meanwhile in the bride's room, she too has a huge grin on her face. "What is wrong with you", asks the bride's maid, "don't you know your life is over?" "No it's not", says the bride, "Last night, I gave the last b**... I ever have to."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What's the difference between a Catholic wedding and a m**... wedding?
At a Catholic wedding, the bride is pregnant. At a m**... wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant.
A little girl is attending her first wedding...
And as the priest is reading the vows, she leans over to her mother and whispers, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explains, "and today is the happiest day in her life."
The child ponders this for a moment and then asks, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
A young bride and groom to be
A young bride and groom to be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me" she asked the rather elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater three times a day.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A man gets married and decides to set some ground rules..
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride thought for a minute and replied, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be s**... here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
Just made this one up...
My uncle recently ordered a mail order bride from the Czech Republic. The Czech is in the mail.
~I'll let myself out...
Difference between Orthodox, Conservative, and Reformed Jews
At an orthodox wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant.
At a conservative wedding, the bride is pregnant.
At a reformed wedding, the rabbi is pregnant!
People ask me this question I lot; this is usually the answer I give.
Married farmer driving home on horses
A farmer and his brand new bride are riding home in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbles.
The farmer says, "That's once." A little further along, the horse stumbles again. The farmer says, "That's twice." When the old horse stumbles again, the farmer quietly reaches under his seat, pulls out a shotgun, and shoots the horse. His brand new bride yells, "That was an awful thing to do!" The farmer says, "That's once."
Confessions of a newly wed.
On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn't sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she's been able to cover up.
After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, I have a confession.
She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, Darling, so do I.
Recoiling, he says, Don't tell me - you've eaten my socks.
At an Irish wedding...
...the bride stood to make a toast. She asked, "Would all the married men here stand next to the person that has made your life worth living..."
The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
A bit different, this isn't a joke, but I have an idea for a joke
Basically, in the joke, there's a bride and a groom, and they are planning their wedding. The bride leaves the groom at the altar, and the ceremony goes off *without a hitch*
How can I word this joke to make it the most effective?
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Two h**... got married.
On their wedding night, the h**... groom admitted that he was a v**... and didn't really know what to do.
The h**... bride, who was much experienced, just giggled and said, "Silly, you just take that thing you play with and put it where I pee." So he got up, grabbed his banjo and threw it in the sink.
Marriage Vows
A young couple were having their first fight, and it was a big one.
After a while, the husband said "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey."
His bride replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in
front of all those people."
Why was the child bride worried about her fiancée?
Because he went to Jared's.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard?
a new last name
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why wasn't Kanye allowed to have a p**... at his bachelor party?
Because you're not supposed to see the bride before the wedding
Whats the worst thing about a Thai Masseuse Bride?
They walk all over you.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A groom stood n**... in front of a mirror...
and said " 2 inches more, and I'd be a king!"
His bride saw her chance and replied " 2 inches less, and you'd be a *queen*."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best b**... I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last b**... of my entire life."
I keep making jokes about my dads new Thai bride. He's getting pretty sick of them.
My dads getting sick of them too.
A bride brought an AK-47 to her wedding, hoping no one would realize that she was dangerous.
She was a veiled threat.
The captain's supple young bride...
... fell into the bay at low tide.
You could tell by the squeals
that some of the eels
had found a dark place to hide.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
I was s**... off my new Thai bride, last night
When I thought.. "Hang on a f**...' minute"
And then the fight started.
A son asked his mother the following question: 'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'
The mother looks at her son and replies: 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:
'Son, all household appliances come in white..
Ugh! I always underestimate shipping times for Valentine's Day.
I should've ordered my Russian bride weeks ago to make sure she arrived on time.
HOW TO LIVE?
"Darling," said the young man to his new bride.
"Now that we are married, do you think you will be
able to live on my modest income?"
"Of course, dearest, no trouble," she answered. "But
what will you live on?"
Leaving for the Crusades...
*Heard this a long time ago. Just found it again...*
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.
One knight told his best friend, "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.
It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am
leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend yelling, "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!"
The first time out with my metal detector I found a beautiful wedding ring!!
But the bride was still wearing it, so the police came and now they won't give it back.
What is the difference between a Conservative Jewish wedding, an Orthodox Jewish wedding, and a Reform Jewish wedding?
At a Conservative wedding the bride is pregnant.
At an Orthodox wedding the bride's mother is pregnant.
At a Reform wedding the rabbi is pregnant.
Why is the bride on the left in a wedding ceremony?
Because after the marriage she is always right.
Yesterday was the best wedding of my life
The bride didn't come
The French Bride
How do you tell a French bride at her wedding?
She's the one with the braided armpits.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
"Wow you went on a 2 week honeymoon trip to London, Paris and Venice, what all did you see ?"
Newly married bride : Ceiling fans
Edit : this joke is funnier in India as they have t**... on premarital s**...
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
An older couple is getting married...
An older couple is getting married. The husband-to-be looks at his bride and asks, "What's your opinion on s**...?"
The bride says, "I prefer it infrequently."
The man replies, "Is infrequently one word or two?"
I run a mail order bride service based out of Prague.
I had a customer call and complain the other day about his order not arriving. It was alright though, I just reassured him that his Czech was in the mail.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me
"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog"
"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...
"I'm not . . . I'm her mother."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why are Pakistani Wedding Cakes made out of f**...?
To keep the flies off the bride.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Newly wed 70-year old
Marty is with his fellow septuagenarian friends. During a thoughtful pause between all the joking and grousing he reveals that he and his new bride are having some issues with s**.... The friends had previously warned Marty that his bride-to-be only wanted him for his money and now they rallied around him.
"You lied by saying that you're only 50 years old. And now she's disappointed that you have s**... infrequently," ventured a friend.
"Yes, I lied," Marty confessed. "I said that I was 90 years old. And now she's upset that it's in frequently."
> mandatory: this is not mine; not OC
The invitations that were sent for the wedding said to bring a date.
Boy, did my bride feel dumb when I brought one and she didn't.
I tried comforting the jilted bride by reminding her...
"At least the wedding went off without a hitch."
Profit & Loss Statement
Wife asks:
"Why is it that in all marriages the bride sits on the left side and the groom sits on the right?"
Husband's reply:
"Have you ever seen a Profit & Loss Statement? It follows the same logic. All income is posted on the Right and expenses are on the Left!"...
What are some good non-dirty jokes for a bride at her bridal party, please (she's a sweet, innocent person)?
Thanks in advance!
The polish bride.
[Might be a repost, but c'mon, I'm pretty sure there would be atleast one person who wouldn't have heard this one]
What is long and hard, that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A new last name.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Why do brides smile so much at the wedding ?
No more blow jobs.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
What do you call a Vietnamese woman who has a huge collection of letters?
A mail hoarder bride. I'll see myself out.
A guy comes home from work to see find his new bride sliding down the banister
He says "What are you doing?"
"Warming up your dinner"
An Irish peanut farmer recently got married...
His new bride wants to be a part of the family business, and the farmer thinks that's a great idea, so he has her start trucking deliveries into town. A couple days go by, and the farmer's neighbor stops in to see how things are going with the new misses, and the farmer says Well, she just started drivin' me nuts.
How can you tell you're at a traditional Arkansas wedding?
No one has to tell the bride welcome to the family .
I was making fun of my Dad's new Thai bride, and he wasn't too happy about it.
My dad wasn't too pleased either.
Did you hear about when the Bride of Frankenstein helped him replace a missing neck bolt?
Turns out, all he needed was a big screw.
After a wedding
After a wedding, an elderly lady named Enna is nowhere to be found. The groom is frantic and tells his bride the festivities cannot continue. When she asks why, he says,
Without Aunt Enna, no reception.
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Bride
The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."
The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."
"I know how to f*c**..., mother," the bride-to-be interrupted.
"I want you to teach me your lasagna recipe."
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
A joke that only Jews will get.
A Jewish man is getting married to a nonreligious woman. His religion is important to him so she agrees to have a Jewish wedding. The ceremony goes well, and all that's left is for the groom to break the glass. He steps on the glass, and it breaks in such a way that it slices his foot right through the shoe. He's bleeding badly.
The bride screams "Oh no he's hurt! Is anyone here a doctor?"
[Better when spoken aloud:] A young man is nervous about his wedding night.
On the day of the wedding, he asks his dad what he should do. "It's easy, son. Just kiss her on the navel and tell her you love her."
So, that night, the newlyweds remove their clothes and get on the bed. The young man leans down, gently kisses his bride on the navel and says "I love you!"
"Lower!" she says.
\[In a bass voice:\] "I love you, I love you!"
⚠️ Warning ⚠️
This joke may contain profanity or explicit language
Can you beat my top 3 Polish jokes?
>What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A new last name
>Did you hear about the Polish carpool?
They meet at work in the morning
>Did you heal about the Polish t**... that tried to blow up the bus?
He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe
