Hilarious Bride Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!
For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.
It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.
As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.
As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?"
My wife answered,
"In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"
In honor of Lent . . .
It was a young couple's wedding night and as the night wore on the bride grew more and more anxious to consumate their marriage. Finally she said, "Um, honey? It's getting late and aren't we going to - well - do it?" "I can't," said her husband, "it's Lent." "It's lent?!" she exclaimed. "That's ridiculous! To who and for how long?"
What does a Polish man give to his bride on their wedding day that's both long and hard?
His surname
The bride asks her husband
The bride asks her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a v**... and I don't know
anything about s**.... Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!
The First Night of the Honeymoon
The groom and bride had finally reached their honeymoon suite and both were eager to consummate the marriage as quickly as possible. The groom was a huge man, over 6'6" tall and 250 solid pounds of muscle. The bride a beautiful and diminutive woman.
The groom looked at his beautiful bride, took off his pants and threw them at her feet. "Put those on." He ordered.
She gave him a bewildered expression, but attempted to do as he asked. "They're too big, they won't stay on." She exclaimed.
"That's right, just remember who wears the pants in this family."
She gave him a narrow look and removed her pants and threw them at his feet. "Put those on." She ordered.
The groom could not even get his big toe into his wife's pants. "I.. I can't get into them." He stated struggling.
She declared back: "That's right and until your attitude changes that's the way it's going to be."
Why does a bride smile as she walks down the aisle?
She knows she's given her last b**....
Both Golf
"Honey, I have a confession to make," a guy told his bride. "I'm a golf nut. You'll never see me on weekends during golf season. "
"Well, dear," she murmured. "I have a confession to make too. I'm a h**.... "
"No big deal," replied the groom. "Just keep your head down and your left arm straight! "
The groom, waiting in the church for his bride, has a huge grin on his face...
..."What is wrong with you", asks the best man, "don't you know your life is over?" "No it's not", says the groom, "Last night, I got the best b**... in the history of blow jobs, and I'm marrying this girl. My life is set." Meanwhile in the bride's room, she too has a huge grin on her face. "What is wrong with you", asks the bride's maid, "don't you know your life is over?" "No it's not", says the bride, "Last night, I gave the last b**... I ever have to."
A little girl is attending her first wedding...
And as the priest is reading the vows, she leans over to her mother and whispers, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explains, "and today is the happiest day in her life."
The child ponders this for a moment and then asks, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
A young bride and groom to be
A young bride and groom to be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me" she asked the rather elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater three times a day.
Why is the bride always sad on her wedding day?
Because she doesn't get to marry the best man.
You can explore bride festivities reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean bride matrimony dad jokes. There are also bride puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.
A man gets married and decides to set some ground rules..
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride thought for a minute and replied, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be s**... here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."
Just made this one up...
My uncle recently ordered a mail order bride from the Czech Republic. The Czech is in the mail.
~I'll let myself out...
Married farmer driving home on horses
A farmer and his brand new bride are riding home in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbles.
The farmer says, "That's once." A little further along, the horse stumbles again. The farmer says, "That's twice." When the old horse stumbles again, the farmer quietly reaches under his seat, pulls out a shotgun, and shoots the horse. His brand new bride yells, "That was an awful thing to do!" The farmer says, "That's once."
At an Irish wedding...
...the bride stood to make a toast. She asked, "Would all the married men here stand next to the person that has made your life worth living..."
The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
Why do Brides wear white?
To match the rest of the household appliances.
What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard?
a new last name
Why does a bride wear white?
So the dishwasher matches the rest of the appliances.
Why wasn't Kanye allowed to have a p**... at his bachelor party?
Because you're not supposed to see the bride before the wedding
I've decided to marry a pencil
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
There are a mother and child at a wedding.
The child turns to her mother and asks "Mommy, why is the Bride wearing white?" The mother quietly responds "Because, white is seen as the color of happiness, and this is the happiest day of her life!" The child ponders this for a moment, and then turns to her mother again. "Then why is the Groom wearing black?"
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best b**... I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last b**... of my entire life."
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
A man was invited to a wedding
When he reached the hotel, he found two doors with two signs written
1. Bride Relatives
2. Groom Relatives
He entered the groom's door and and found another two doors
1. Ladies
2. Men
He entered the Men's door and found two more doors
1. People with gifts
2. People without gifts
He entered the second door (people without gifts) and found himself outside of the hotel premises
It's hard to think about my wife, who passed away during delivery
Tip: Never, *EVER* go with a mail-order Russian bride who arrives by ship.
Wearing White ...
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the bride wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then why is the groom wearing black..."
Who cares if you pee in the shower?
The bride and all her guests, apparently.
I was s**... off my new Thai bride, last night
When I thought.. "Hang on a f**...' minute"
And then the fight started.
A son asked his mother the following question: 'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'
The mother looks at her son and replies: 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:
'Son, all household appliances come in white..
Leaving for the Crusades...
*Heard this a long time ago. Just found it again...*
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.
One knight told his best friend, "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.
It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am
leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend yelling, "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!"
A child asks his mother
why the bride wears white on her wedding day. His mother responds, "Because white represents happiness, and that's the happiest day of her life!" The child thinks for a while and then asks, "Then why does the groom wear black?"
An older couple is getting married...
An older couple is getting married. The husband-to-be looks at his bride and asks, "What's your opinion on s**...?"
The bride says, "I prefer it infrequently."
The man replies, "Is infrequently one word or two?"
I keep making racist jokes about my dad and his Thai bride. He finds it very annoying…
..and so does my dad.
At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me
"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog"
"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...
"I'm not . . . I'm her mother."
The invitations that were sent for the wedding said to bring a date.
Boy, did my bride feel dumb when I brought one and she didn't.
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring.
As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.
"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"
With a fatherly smile, the salesman said,
"One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."
What does a German bride get from her husband on her wedding day that is long and hard?
A new last name.
Why do brides cry at their wedding?
Because they never marry the best man
Two Inuits marry and consummate that night.
The next morning, the bride discovers that she is six months pregnant.
My girlfriend is angry with me for incorrectly quoting the Princess Bride
Unbelievable!
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Bride
The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."
The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."
"I know how to f*c**..., mother," the bride-to-be interrupted.
"I want you to teach me your lasagna recipe."
What happened at the cannibal's wedding party?
They toasted the bride and groom...
My 7yo told me I had to post this. Enjoy the giggle!
I looked longingly into my beloved's eyes and whispered, "A, E, I, O, U...and sometimes, Y."
The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"
Why does a bride always cry at her wedding?
Cus she never marries the best man
A newly wed bride asks her husband
Why didn't you tell me you are broke before we got married? He replies: I always told you that you are my EVERYTHING!
A son asked his mother, "Why are wedding dresses white?"
She replied, "It shows your friends and relatives that the bride is pure."
Then the son went and asked the same question to his father.
"All household appliances come in white," said his father.
I went to a cannibals wedding last weekend.
All was going well, until they decided to toast the Bride and Groom.
Old Man Jack married an old maid
Life had been hard on old Ethel. But they were truly in love, and their families agreed it was best for them to live out their final days in joy.
On their wedding night, Jack lay on the bed and watched his new bride undress.
She took out her glass eye and placed it in a velvet case.
Next, she removed her false teeth and put them in a glass of water.
Taking off her wig, she placed it on a small bust on the dresser.
She removed her prosthetic leg, and stood it beside the chair.
Jack finally spoke: "When you get to the part I'm waiting for, just toss it over."
Why should you ask a chess grandmaster to help you get a mail-order bride?
They're really good at finding a Czech-mate.
It was the first night of the newlyweds in their bridal suite and...
The young husband was staring out the window very intently into the starry night while his young bride was sitting patiently in bed waiting. Aren't you coming to bed darling? she said sexily. Not in your life! he replied. My mother said this would be the most wonderful night of my life and I'm not going to miss it for anything!
A young Chinese couple got married.
In the hotel room that evening, the bride blushed demurely: "I am very shy. Please, husband, tell me what to do."
The husband, a gentle and thoughtful young man said: "Why don't you tell me what you might like to do?"
The blushing bride hesitated before replying: "Well ... husband, uhmm ... I would like to try a ... try a 69!"
The husband was perplexed! "But, wife! It is our first night together, and you want fried rice, beef and black bean sauce?"
I'm starting a mail order bride service featuring women from around the world who have an STD.
Amnasty International.
I looked longingly into my beloved's eyes and whispered, "A...E...I...O...U...and sometimes Y." The priest then turned to her and asked...
And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"
The Princess Bride
Cary Elwes walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Oh, wow! 'Princess Bride' is one of my favorite movies," the bartender gushes. "Can you tell me any of the behind the scenes secrets?" "Well a little known fact is that they almost made a sequel. But they scrapped it because Wesley and Buttercup were unable to have children," Elwes said. "She was inconceivable."
So, I ordered a mail order bride from Czechoslovakia…
Turns out she was my Czech mate
As leader of the USSR, Gorbachev was allowed to conduct weddings
He liked to keep them brief:
Gorbachev: You want to marry her?
Groom: Da
Gorbachev: You want to marry him ?
Bride: Da
Gorbachev: Then so be it.
He was a master of the So-be-it union
A couple who were making wedding preparations die in a traffic accident.
When they arrive at heaven, the man finds an angel and explains the situation, asking if they could arrange a wedding in heaven or not.
-Let me have a look, the angel says.
After a few months, it comes back to the couple and tells them:
-Everything's set, you guys can marry.
The bride asks:
-What if we cannot get along and want to divorce, can you arrange that too?
The angel roars in rage:
-IT TOOK ME 4 MONTHS TO FIND A PRIEST IN HERE, HOW MANY MORE DO I NEED TO FIND A LAWYER DO YOU THINK?
Two slices of bread got married.
The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.
So this guy lost his right foot in an accident
Lucky for him, he got a great prosthetic, so nobody knew he's wearing a prosthetic foot.
Some years later he met a girl, but didn't tell her about his 'disability'. They got married and on wedding night, he took off his prosthetic foot to show his new bride.
Horrified, she straight called her mom.
"Mum, you wouldn't believe it. He only got one foot!"
The mum then yelled back at her "g**... child, be grateful! Your dad is only six inches!"
Why did the polygamous chicken cross the road?
.... to get to the other bride.
The last wedding I was at was very emotional.
Everybody was crying, the Bride and Groom, the whole reception, the priest..
Even the massive cake was in tiers..
he was talking about money
It was seven days into their honeymoon and the young bride
staggered downstairs to breakfast looking knackered.
My goodness, said the waitress. You don't look so good,
but aren't you the bride with the older husband?
Yes I am, he's 75, but I've discovered he's pulled a dreadful
trick on me. When he told me he had saved up for 50 years,
I thought he was talking about money.
What do you call Leonardo DiCaprio and his fiance on their wedding day?
Bride and Groomer
The r**... Honeymoon
A guy r**... and a girl r**... just got married. It's the night of the honeymoon and the guy's parents come home to find their son sitting there on the couch.
"Son, what are you doing here? Tonight's your honeymoon, you should be with your bride."
The son looks up forlornly, with tears in his eyes. "Well dad, I found out she's a v**...!"
The father shrugs and says "so?"
"C'mon dad, if she ain't good enough for her own family, she d**... sure ain't good enough for ours!"
What happens at a cannibal wedding?
They toast the bride and groom.
How do you know you're at a Mormon wedding?
The bride isn't pregnant but her mother is
What's long and hard does polish bride get on her wedding night?
A new last name
