Bride Jokes

143 bride jokes and hilarious bride puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bride that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.

Make your big day even more special with hilarious bride jokes for your wedding speech, bridal shower, or any other festivities! From Princess Bride quotes to funny marriage one-liners, explore this collection of bride jokes to add some humor to your special day!

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Funniest Bride Short Jokes

Short bride jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bride humour may include short groom jokes also.

  1. Two slices of bread got married. The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.
  2. My girlfriend is angry with me for incorrectly quoting the Princess Bride Unbelievable!
  3. Two Inuits marry and consummate that night. The next morning, the bride discovers that she is six months pregnant.
  4. The last wedding I was at was very emotional. Everybody was crying, the Bride and Groom, the whole reception, the priest..
    Even the massive cake was in tiers..
  5. What does a German bride get from her husband on her wedding day that is long and hard? A new last name.
  6. I looked longingly into my beloved's eyes and whispered, "A, E, I, O, U...and sometimes, Y." The priest then turned to her. "And has the bride prepared any wedding vowels?"
  7. A newly wed bride asks her husband Why didn't you tell me you are broke before we got married? He replies: I always told you that you are my EVERYTHING!
  8. I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
  9. What happened at the cannibal's wedding party? They toasted the bride and groom...
    My 7yo told me I had to post this. Enjoy the giggle!
  10. Why do men want their brides to wear white? Because they want the dishwasher to match with the fridge.

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Bride One Liners

Which bride one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bride? I can suggest the ones about groom wedding and wedding dress.

  1. What does a polish bride get on her wedding night that is long and hard? a new last name
  2. I've decided to marry a pencil I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B
  3. Why does a bride always cry at her wedding? Cus she never marries the best man
  4. Who cares if you pee in the shower? The bride and all her guests, apparently.
  5. Why does a bride wear white? So the dishwasher matches the rest of the appliances.
  6. So, I ordered a mail order bride from Czechoslovakia… Turns out she was my Czech mate
  7. What's long and hard does polish bride get on her wedding night? A new last name
  8. Why do Brides wear white? To match the rest of the household appliances.
  9. Why did the bride's best friend become a Samurai... because she was made of honour.
  10. What happens at a cannibal wedding? They toast the bride and groom.
  11. Why do brides cry at their wedding? Because they never marry the best man
  12. What did the doctor say to the infertile Princess Bride? Inconceivable!
  13. Why did the polygamous chicken cross the road? .... to get to the other bride.
  14. Why do brides smile so much at the wedding ? No more blow jobs.
  15. What do you call Leonardo DiCaprio and his fiance on their wedding day? Bride and Groomer

Bride Groom Jokes

Here is a list of funny bride groom jokes and even better bride groom puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • I went to a cannibals wedding last weekend. All was going well, until they decided to toast the Bride and Groom.
  • A man said, "Dad, I just heard that in some countries, the groom does not even know his bride until after he is married." His dad replied, that is true in all countries.
  • kids at wedding kid: Mom, why does the bride wear white clothes?
    mother: because it is the happiest day in her life.
    kid: So, why the groom is wearing black?
  • At the wedding Priest: Will you love & honor her?
    Groom: I will
    [Bride whispers to priest]
    Priest: And leave your phone unlocked?
    Groom: I'm out.
  • I like weddings in Alabama... I normally have to ask which side is for the groom and which is for the bride but in Alabama, they're all family!
  • Why didn't the bride and groom exchange their wedding vows? TL;DR
  • Why did the groom want his bride to wear white? He wanted his new dish washer to match his fridge.
  • As it is Alabama, It wouldn't be proper without the traditional speech... From the father of the bride and groom.
  • What does a Russian groom give his bride on her wedding day that's long & hard? His last name
  • At a wedding, tapping on the glass makes the groom and the bride kiss. Smashing the glass however.. Clearly got me kicked out of the house.

Bride And Groom Jokes

Here is a list of funny bride and groom jokes and even better bride and groom puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • What do cannibals do at a wedding? Toast the bride and groom.
  • The groom grooms the bride... Before the bride bridles the groom
  • Actual exchange the morning of my wedding yesterday: Photographer (to bride): scale of 1 to 10, what's your stress level at?
    Bride: 8
  • I was at a wedding where the bride didn't show up. The groom was filled with unbrideled rage.
  • Why did the bride and groom get married in a hot tub? So that the bride wouldn't get cold feet.
  • I went to a wedding. The bride had something old, something new something borrowed...and the groom had something blew.
  • What does a Polish groom give his bride for their wedding that is long and hard? A new last name.
  • If a groom is a person that takes care of a horse, why don't they call the bride a jockey?
  • What did the snake priest say to the snake groom after the marriage? You may now "hiss" the bride.
  • A groom stood n**... in front of a mirror... and said " 2 inches more, and I'd be a king!"
    His bride saw her chance and replied " 2 inches less, and you'd be a *queen*."
Bride joke, A groom stood n**... in front of a mirror...

Pregnant Bride Jokes

Here is a list of funny pregnant bride jokes and even better pregnant bride puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • How do you know you're at a m**... wedding? The bride isn't pregnant but her mother is
  • What's the difference between a Catholic wedding and a m**... wedding? At a Catholic wedding, the bride is pregnant. At a m**... wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant.

Father Of The Bride Jokes

Here is a list of funny father of the bride jokes and even better father of the bride puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • Disney is releasing an alternate version of its latest film for the Indian audience where Nemo's father starts looking for a bride for his son. It's called Finding Dowry.
  • The bride, upon her engagement, goes to her mother and says, "I've found a man just like Father!"
    Her mother replies, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"

Princess Bride Jokes

Here is a list of funny princess bride jokes and even better princess bride puns that will make you laugh with friends.

  • You've never seen The Princess Bride? Inconceivable!
Bride joke, You've never seen  The Princess Bride?

Hilarious Bride Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends

What funny jokes about bride you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean wedding jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bride pranks.

I proposed my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.
It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just assumed it was purely an American thing and didn't mind.
Later during the reception, we were both starving and decided to head over to the buffet to get food. On the way we passed the drink table, where about six people were waiting to get a fruity drink from a bowl.
As we passed, they all said in unison, "You may now kiss the bride!" My wife got giddy and gave me a big kiss, which I of course returned.
As we walked away I asked, "Why did *they* tell us to kiss and not the priest?"
My wife answered,
"In Soviet Russia, the punchline tells you!"

In honor of Lent . . .

It was a young couple's wedding night and as the night wore on the bride grew more and more anxious to consumate their marriage. Finally she said, "Um, honey? It's getting late and aren't we going to - well - do it?" "I can't," said her husband, "it's Lent." "It's lent?!" she exclaimed. "That's ridiculous! To who and for how long?"

What does a Polish man give to his bride on their wedding day that's both long and hard?

His surname

The bride asks her husband

The bride asks her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a v**... and I don't know
anything about s**.... Can you explain it to me first?"
"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.
And then they made love for the first time.
Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.
Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."
Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."
After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"
The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.
Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.
She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."
Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,

The First Night of the Honeymoon

The groom and bride had finally reached their honeymoon suite and both were eager to consummate the marriage as quickly as possible. The groom was a huge man, over 6'6" tall and 250 solid pounds of muscle. The bride a beautiful and diminutive woman.
The groom looked at his beautiful bride, took off his pants and threw them at her feet. "Put those on." He ordered.
She gave him a bewildered expression, but attempted to do as he asked. "They're too big, they won't stay on." She exclaimed.
"That's right, just remember who wears the pants in this family."
She gave him a narrow look and removed her pants and threw them at his feet. "Put those on." She ordered.
The groom could not even get his big toe into his wife's pants. "I.. I can't get into them." He stated struggling.
She declared back: "That's right and until your attitude changes that's the way it's going to be."

Why does a bride smile as she walks down the aisle?

She knows she's given her last b**....

Both Golf

"Honey, I have a confession to make," a guy told his bride. "I'm a golf nut. You'll never see me on weekends during golf season. "
"Well, dear," she murmured. "I have a confession to make too. I'm a h**.... "
"No big deal," replied the groom. "Just keep your head down and your left arm straight! "

Two middle aged gentlemen are seated next to each other at a wedding reception

Gentleman 1: Not too long ago the bride used to play in my lap. Look at her now, getting married, looking so pretty...
Gentleman 2: You must be her uncle, right?
Gentleman 1: Nope. I am her boss.

The groom, waiting in the church for his bride, has a huge grin on his face...

..."What is wrong with you", asks the best man, "don't you know your life is over?" "No it's not", says the groom, "Last night, I got the best b**... in the history of blow jobs, and I'm marrying this girl. My life is set." Meanwhile in the bride's room, she too has a huge grin on her face. "What is wrong with you", asks the bride's maid, "don't you know your life is over?" "No it's not", says the bride, "Last night, I gave the last b**... I ever have to."

A little girl is attending her first wedding...

And as the priest is reading the vows, she leans over to her mother and whispers, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explains, "and today is the happiest day in her life."
The child ponders this for a moment and then asks, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

A young bride and groom to be

A young bride and groom to be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me" she asked the rather elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater three times a day.

Why is the bride always sad on her wedding day?

Because she doesn't get to marry the best man.

A man gets married and decides to set some ground rules..

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want, and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride thought for a minute and replied, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be s**... here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

Just made this one up...

My uncle recently ordered a mail order bride from the Czech Republic. The Czech is in the mail.
~I'll let myself out...

Stereotypical jokes

I keep making stereotypical jokes about my old man and his new Thai bride. He really doesn't find it amusing... and neither does my Dad

Married farmer driving home on horses

A farmer and his brand new bride are riding home in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbles.
The farmer says, "That's once." A little further along, the horse stumbles again. The farmer says, "That's twice." When the old horse stumbles again, the farmer quietly reaches under his seat, pulls out a shotgun, and shoots the horse. His brand new bride yells, "That was an awful thing to do!" The farmer says, "That's once."

Confessions of a newly wed.

On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn't sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she's been able to cover up.
After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, I have a confession.
She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, Darling, so do I.
Recoiling, he says, Don't tell me - you've eaten my socks.

At an Irish wedding...

...the bride stood to make a toast. She asked, "Would all the married men here stand next to the person that has made your life worth living..."
The bartender was nearly crushed to death.

A bit different, this isn't a joke, but I have an idea for a joke

Basically, in the joke, there's a bride and a groom, and they are planning their wedding. The bride leaves the groom at the altar, and the ceremony goes off *without a hitch*
How can I word this joke to make it the most effective?

Two h**... got married.

On their wedding night, the h**... groom admitted that he was a v**... and didn't really know what to do.
The h**... bride, who was much experienced, just giggled and said, "Silly, you just take that thing you play with and put it where I pee." So he got up, grabbed his banjo and threw it in the sink.

Marriage Vows

A young couple were having their first fight, and it was a big one.
After a while, the husband said "When we got married, you promised to love, honor and obey."
His bride replied, "I know. But I didn't want to start an argument in
front of all those people."

Why wasn't Kanye allowed to have a p**... at his bachelor party?

Because you're not supposed to see the bride before the wedding

There are a mother and child at a wedding.

The child turns to her mother and asks "Mommy, why is the Bride wearing white?" The mother quietly responds "Because, white is seen as the color of happiness, and this is the happiest day of her life!" The child ponders this for a moment, and then turns to her mother again. "Then why is the Groom wearing black?"

A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.

His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best b**... I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last b**... of my entire life."

I keep making jokes about my dads new Thai bride. He's getting pretty sick of them.

My dads getting sick of them too.

A man was invited to a wedding

When he reached the hotel, he found two doors with two signs written
1. Bride Relatives
2. Groom Relatives
He entered the groom's door and and found another two doors
1. Ladies
2. Men
He entered the Men's door and found two more doors
1. People with gifts
2. People without gifts
He entered the second door (people without gifts) and found himself outside of the hotel premises

It's hard to think about my wife, who passed away during delivery

Tip: Never, *EVER* go with a mail-order Russian bride who arrives by ship.

A bride brought an AK-47 to her wedding, hoping no one would realize that she was dangerous.

She was a veiled threat.

Wearing White ...

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the bride wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then why is the groom wearing black..."

I was s**... off my new Thai bride, last night

When I thought.. "Hang on a f**...' minute"

A man marries a Chinese restaurant waitress...

On their wedding night, she says to him -
Bride: "Dear husband, I want to give you anything you want! Just name it!"
Groom: "Ooh, that's tough to chose. OK, I really want a sixty nine."
Bride (confused): "You want beef broccoli *now*?"

And then the fight started.

A son asked his mother the following question: 'Mom, why are wedding dresses white?'
The mother looks at her son and replies: 'Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.
'Dad why are wedding dresses white?'
The father looks at his son in surprise and says:
'Son, all household appliances come in white..

I ordered a mail-order bride from the Czech Republic

Czech mate

What do you call a Gypsy in a white tracksuit?

The bride

Leaving for the Crusades...

*Heard this a long time ago. Just found it again...*
All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades.
One knight told his best friend, "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world.
It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am
leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching.
Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted.
A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend yelling, "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!"

The first time out with my metal detector I found a beautiful wedding ring!!

But the bride was still wearing it, so the police came and now they won't give it back.

What is the difference between a Conservative Jewish wedding, an Orthodox Jewish wedding, and a Reform Jewish wedding?

At a Conservative wedding the bride is pregnant.
At an Orthodox wedding the bride's mother is pregnant.
At a Reform wedding the rabbi is pregnant.

A child asks his mother

why the bride wears white on her wedding day. His mother responds, "Because white represents happiness, and that's the happiest day of her life!" The child thinks for a while and then asks, "Then why does the groom wear black?"

"Wow you went on a 2 week honeymoon trip to London, Paris and Venice, what all did you see ?"

Newly married bride : Ceiling fans
Edit : this joke is funnier in India as they have t**... on premarital s**...

An older couple is getting married...

An older couple is getting married. The husband-to-be looks at his bride and asks, "What's your opinion on s**...?"
The bride says, "I prefer it infrequently."
The man replies, "Is infrequently one word or two?"

I keep making racist jokes about my dad and his Thai bride. He finds it very annoying…

..and so does my dad.

I run a mail order bride service based out of Prague.

I had a customer call and complain the other day about his order not arriving. It was alright though, I just reassured him that his Czech was in the mail.

At a wedding in Glasgow I whispered to a guy next to me

"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog"
"Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about"
"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''...
"I'm not . . . I'm her mother."

The invitations that were sent for the wedding said to bring a date.

Boy, did my bride feel dumb when I brought one and she didn't.

I tried comforting the jilted bride by reminding her...

"At least the wedding went off without a hitch."

A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring.

As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.
"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"
With a fatherly smile, the salesman said,
"One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."

Profit & Loss Statement

Wife asks:
"Why is it that in all marriages the bride sits on the left side and the groom sits on the right?"
Husband's reply:
"Have you ever seen a Profit & Loss Statement? It follows the same logic. All income is posted on the Right and expenses are on the Left!"...

The polish bride.

[Might be a repost, but c'mon, I'm pretty sure there would be atleast one person who wouldn't have heard this one]
What is long and hard, that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A new last name.

A guy comes home from work to see find his new bride sliding down the banister

He says "What are you doing?"
"Warming up your dinner"

An Irish peanut farmer recently got married...

His new bride wants to be a part of the family business, and the farmer thinks that's a great idea, so he has her start trucking deliveries into town. A couple days go by, and the farmer's neighbor stops in to see how things are going with the new misses, and the farmer says Well, she just started drivin' me nuts.

I was making fun of my Dad's new Thai bride, and he wasn't too happy about it.

My dad wasn't too pleased either.

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"


The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."
The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."
"I know how to f*c**..., mother," the bride-to-be interrupted.
"I want you to teach me your lasagna recipe."

[Better when spoken aloud:] A young man is nervous about his wedding night.

On the day of the wedding, he asks his dad what he should do. "It's easy, son. Just kiss her on the navel and tell her you love her."
So, that night, the newlyweds remove their clothes and get on the bed. The young man leans down, gently kisses his bride on the navel and says "I love you!"
"Lower!" she says.
\[In a bass voice:\] "I love you, I love you!"

Can you beat my top 3 Polish jokes?

>What's long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night?
A new last name
>Did you hear about the Polish carpool?
They meet at work in the morning
>Did you heal about the Polish t**... that tried to blow up the bus?
He burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe

A son asked his mother, "Why are wedding dresses white?"

She replied, "It shows your friends and relatives that the bride is pure."
Then the son went and asked the same question to his father.
"All household appliances come in white," said his father.

What is the difference between a secular wedding, an orthodox wedding, and a reform wedding?

At the secular wedding, the bride is pregnant.
At the orthodox wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant.
At the reform wedding, the rabbi is pregnant.

Weddings by Christian denomination [super-dated but still funny]

At a Catholic wedding, the bride is pregnant.
At a m**... wedding, the bride's mother is pregnant.
At a United Church wedding, the minister is pregnant.
At a Unitarian wedding, the minister and her wife are both pregnant.
*Adapted poorly from a joke about Jewish denominations.*

Bride joke, Weddings by Christian denomination [super-dated but still funny]

jokes about bride