Bride Groom Jokes
64 bride groom jokes and hilarious bride groom puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about bride groom that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Funniest Bride Groom Short Jokes
Short bride groom jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The bride groom humour may include short bride and groom jokes also.
- Two slices of bread got married. The ceremony was going quite well until someone decided to toast the bride and groom.
- The last wedding I was at was very emotional. Everybody was crying, the Bride and Groom, the whole reception, the priest..
Even the massive cake was in tiers.. - What happened at the cannibal's wedding party? They toasted the bride and groom...
My 7yo told me I had to post this. Enjoy the giggle! - I went to a cannibals wedding last weekend. All was going well, until they decided to toast the Bride and Groom.
- A man said, "Dad, I just heard that in some countries, the groom does not even know his bride until after he is married." His dad replied, that is true in all countries.
- kids at wedding kid: Mom, why does the bride wear white clothes?
mother: because it is the happiest day in her life.
kid: So, why the groom is wearing black? - At the wedding Priest: Will you love & honor her?
Groom: I will
[Bride whispers to priest]
Priest: And leave your phone unlocked?
Groom: I'm out. - I like weddings in Alabama... I normally have to ask which side is for the groom and which is for the bride but in Alabama, they're all family!
- Why did the groom want his bride to wear white? He wanted his new dish washer to match his fridge.
- As it is Alabama, It wouldn't be proper without the traditional speech... From the father of the bride and groom.
Share These Bride Groom Jokes With Friends
Bride Groom One Liners
Which bride groom one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with bride groom? I can suggest the ones about bride and groom wedding.
- What happens at a cannibal wedding? They toast the bride and groom.
- Why didn't the bride and groom exchange their wedding vows? TL;DR
- What do cannibals do at a wedding? Toast the bride and groom.
- The groom grooms the bride... Before the bride bridles the groom
Silly & Ridiculous Bride Groom Jokes to Spread Joy & Laughter
What funny jokes about bride groom you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean father of bride jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make bride groom pranks.
On the night of their honeymoon, a newlywed couple has an unfortunate accident, resulting in the amputation of the groom's left foot. Unable to control her grief, the bride calls her mother from the hospital. "Mother," she sobs, "my husband has only one foot." The mother, trying to console her daughter, says, "That's alright dear, your father has only six inches."
Two Italian virgins marry and go on their honeymoon.
Unfortunately, neither knows what to do when they get there.
The newlyweds call the groom's mother for advice.
The mother says that they should sit on the bed together, snuggle, and things should happen from there.
The newlyweds do this, but nothing happens.
The groom calls his mother back.
She says they should take their clothes off, get under the covers, and nature should take its course.
The bride and groom take his mother's advice, but still nothing comes to mind.
He calls his mother a third time.
Getting frustrated with the situation, she says, "Listen, just take the biggest thing you have and stick it in her hairiest spot!"
The groom is quiet for a moment and then asks his mother, "I've got my nose in her armpit, now what?"
A bride asks her Mom to buy her a long blue nightgown for her wedding night.
When the newly married couple gets to the honeymoon suite, the nervous groom goes in the bathroom to undress giving the instructions for the bride not to peek.
She opens her suitcase disappointed to find her Mom not only bought the wrong thing, but also just wadded it up in her suitcase.
In frustration, the bride exclaims about her nightgown: Dang it! It's short, pink and wrinkled!!
The groom from the bathroom yells I told you not to look!
An 85 and 25 year old's wedding night...
Vet Friend of mine just sent this:
Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . . .Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Robert, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 - year - old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.'
Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
The First Night of the Honeymoon
The groom and bride had finally reached their honeymoon suite and both were eager to consummate the marriage as quickly as possible. The groom was a huge man, over 6'6" tall and 250 solid pounds of muscle. The bride a beautiful and diminutive woman.
The groom looked at his beautiful bride, took off his pants and threw them at her feet. "Put those on." He ordered.
She gave him a bewildered expression, but attempted to do as he asked. "They're too big, they won't stay on." She exclaimed.
"That's right, just remember who wears the pants in this family."
She gave him a narrow look and removed her pants and threw them at his feet. "Put those on." She ordered.
The groom could not even get his big toe into his wife's pants. "I.. I can't get into them." He stated struggling.
She declared back: "That's right and until your attitude changes that's the way it's going to be."
A young man is getting married...
...and is very nervous about consummating his marriage. He was raised in a very conservative and religious setting, like his bride-to-be, and is a v**... (as is the bride). He decides to ask a friend of his who has more experience for advice on what he should do.
The friend gives him details on how to do the deed, wishes him luck, and sends the groom off to his wedding.
The next day, the friend calls the groom and asked how everything went.
"I guess it went ok, but to be honest I didn't really enjoy it all that much. It didn't feel nearly as good as I thought it would."
"Huh..." answer his friend. "Well how about your bride? Did she enjoy it?"
"I think so... but again I'm not really sure. She didn't really say anything during the act, but I did notice that her toes would curl up every time I would t**...."
"Ummmm... you did remember to take off her pantyhose first, right?"
Both Golf
"Honey, I have a confession to make," a guy told his bride. "I'm a golf nut. You'll never see me on weekends during golf season. "
"Well, dear," she murmured. "I have a confession to make too. I'm a h**.... "
"No big deal," replied the groom. "Just keep your head down and your left arm straight! "
The mother of the bride and her daughter were packing for her honeymoon night.
The daughter asked her mother to pack her black nightgown. The mother looked everywhere but couldn't find it. Time was running short so she grabbed her daughter's pink negligee from the laundry hamper and stuffed it into the suitcase.
After the wedding, the newlyweds went to their hotel room. The groom was very shy so he asked his bride to change in one corner of the room and promise not to peek as he changed in another. Agreeing, the bride went to her corner, opened her suitcase and saw the negligee her mother had thrown in. "Oh my God," she yelled, "it's short, pink and wrinkled!"
"Honey, you promised not to look!" said the groom.
Life Time Savings
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"
Roger and Jenny on their wedding night . . .
Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I've been here already tonight?'
The groom, waiting in the church for his bride, has a huge grin on his face...
..."What is wrong with you", asks the best man, "don't you know your life is over?" "No it's not", says the groom, "Last night, I got the best b**... in the history of blow jobs, and I'm marrying this girl. My life is set." Meanwhile in the bride's room, she too has a huge grin on her face. "What is wrong with you", asks the bride's maid, "don't you know your life is over?" "No it's not", says the bride, "Last night, I gave the last b**... I ever have to."
A little boy at a wedding...
A little boy at a wedding asks his Mom, "Mommy how come bride's wear white dresses at their wedding." The Mom responds "Well because it's the happiest day of her life." The kid responds "Then how come the groom wears black?"
A little girl is attending her first wedding...
And as the priest is reading the vows, she leans over to her mother and whispers, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explains, "and today is the happiest day in her life."
The child ponders this for a moment and then asks, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
A young bride and groom to be
A young bride and groom to be had just selected their wedding rings. As the young lady admired the plain platinum and diamond band she had chosen for herself, she suddenly looked concerned. "Tell me" she asked the rather elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?" With a fatherly smile, the salesman said "One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to soak it in dishwater three times a day.
A young couple on their wedding night. . .
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began u**....
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, "What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again asked "What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the u**... continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
She finally said, "Don't tell me, let me guess . . . smallcox?"
What did the snake priest say to the snake groom after the marriage?
You may now "hiss" the bride.
I went to a wedding.
The bride had something old, something new something borrowed...and the groom had something blew.
Why did the bride and groom get married in a hot tub?
So that the bride wouldn't get cold feet.
A bit different, this isn't a joke, but I have an idea for a joke
Basically, in the joke, there's a bride and a groom, and they are planning their wedding. The bride leaves the groom at the altar, and the ceremony goes off *without a hitch*
How can I word this joke to make it the most effective?
Two h**... got married.
On their wedding night, the h**... groom admitted that he was a v**... and didn't really know what to do.
The h**... bride, who was much experienced, just giggled and said, "Silly, you just take that thing you play with and put it where I pee." So he got up, grabbed his banjo and threw it in the sink.
What does a Polish groom give his bride for their wedding that is long and hard?
A new last name.
A husband and wife grow distressed as more and more uninvited guests swarm into their party.
The husband has a plan.
He moves to the front, manages to get everyone's attention, and calls out, "If you're from the groom's side, please stand up."
About one fourth of the guests stands up.
He calls out, "Those from the bride's side, please stand up."
Another one fourth of the guests stands up.
He smiles and says, "If you are standing up, please leave. This is a birthday party."
There are a mother and child at a wedding.
The child turns to her mother and asks "Mommy, why is the Bride wearing white?" The mother quietly responds "Because, white is seen as the color of happiness, and this is the happiest day of her life!" The child ponders this for a moment, and then turns to her mother again. "Then why is the Groom wearing black?"
A groom stood n**... in front of a mirror...
and said " 2 inches more, and I'd be a king!"
His bride saw her chance and replied " 2 inches less, and you'd be a *queen*."
A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.
His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best b**... I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last b**... of my entire life."
At a wedding, tapping on the glass makes the groom and the bride kiss. Smashing the glass however..
Clearly got me kicked out of the house.
A man was invited to a wedding
When he reached the hotel, he found two doors with two signs written
1. Bride Relatives
2. Groom Relatives
He entered the groom's door and and found another two doors
1. Ladies
2. Men
He entered the Men's door and found two more doors
1. People with gifts
2. People without gifts
He entered the second door (people without gifts) and found himself outside of the hotel premises
Wearing White ...
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the bride wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then why is the groom wearing black..."
Four nuns about to take their vows..
Four novice nuns were about to take their vows.
Dressed in their white gowns, they entered the chapel for their symbolic marriage to Jesus, making them "Brides of Christ."
Just as the ceremony was about to begin, four Hasidic Jews came in and sat in the front row.
The Mother Superior said, "I am so honored you want to share this experience with us. May I ask why you came?"
"We're from the groom's family."
A man marries a Chinese restaurant waitress...
On their wedding night, she says to him -
Bride: "Dear husband, I want to give you anything you want! Just name it!"
Groom: "Ooh, that's tough to chose. OK, I really want a sixty nine."
Bride (confused): "You want beef broccoli *now*?"
I was at a wedding where the bride didn't show up.
The groom was filled with unbrideled rage.
A child asks his mother
why the bride wears white on her wedding day. His mother responds, "Because white represents happiness, and that's the happiest day of her life!" The child thinks for a while and then asks, "Then why does the groom wear black?"
What does a Russian groom give his bride on her wedding day that's long & hard?
His last name
A newlywed couple has just retired to their honeymoon suite to consummate their marriage
As they undress, the groom hands his pants to the bride and says, "here, put these on."
The bride pulls them on and says, "honey, I can't wear these pants, they're too big."
The groom replies, "that's right. I wear the pants in this relationship."
The bride then picks up her lacy p**... and hands it to her husband, telling him to put it on. He turns to her and says, "It's too small, I can't get into your p**...."
She smiles at him and says, "that's right, and that's not going to change unless you drop the attitude."
A young bride and groom-to-be had just selected the wedding ring.
As the girl admired the plain platinum and diamond band, she suddenly looked concerned.
"Tell me," she asked the elderly salesman "is there anything special I'll have to do to take care of this ring?"
With a fatherly smile, the salesman said,
"One of the best ways to protect a wedding ring is to dip it in dishwater three times a day."
Profit & Loss Statement
Wife asks:
"Why is it that in all marriages the bride sits on the left side and the groom sits on the right?"
Husband's reply:
"Have you ever seen a Profit & Loss Statement? It follows the same logic. All income is posted on the Right and expenses are on the Left!"...
A middle aged man and woman......
......meet, fall in love, and decide to get married.
On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle,... I am still a v**...."
The startled groom says "How can that be? You've been married 3 times before."
The bride responds:
"Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it."
"My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it."
"And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was...............God I miss him"
A young Hasidic couple goes for pre-marital counseling...
The rabbi sits them down and says, "I want you to know that almost everything in our religion between a man and a woman is permitted, with the exception of dancing. There will be no dancing between a man and a woman."
A bit surprised, the couple looks at each other, and the groom asks the rabbi, "Well, what about s**..., can we talk about s**...?" The rabbi says, "Sure."
The future bride asks, "Positions...is m**... OK?'
Rabbi: Of course it is.
Groom: What about woman on top?
Rabbi: "Knock yourself out, kids."
Bride: "And standing position?"
Rabbi: Absolutely not! That could lead to dancing.
Actual exchange the morning of my wedding yesterday:
Photographer (to bride): scale of 1 to 10, what's your stress level at?
Bride: 8
Groom (me): WOOHOO SINGLE DIGITS
An Irish bride is interviewed by police after a fight broke out at her wedding reception.
* Well officer, it's customary for the bride to dance with the best man before the bride and groom leave for their honeymoon. I was dancing with the best man p**... when all of a sudden me husband Seamus came running on the dance floor and kicked me as hard as he could s**... bang between my legs. *
The officer winces a little and says * Ouch! that must have really hurt!?! *
* Well yes now it did, but I got off lightly really, poor p**... got three broken fingers. *
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
After a wedding
After a wedding, an elderly lady named Enna is nowhere to be found. The groom is frantic and tells his bride the festivities cannot continue. When she asks why, he says,
Without Aunt Enna, no reception.
A joke that only Jews will get.
A Jewish man is getting married to a nonreligious woman. His religion is important to him so she agrees to have a Jewish wedding. The ceremony goes well, and all that's left is for the groom to break the glass. He steps on the glass, and it breaks in such a way that it slices his foot right through the shoe. He's bleeding badly.
The bride screams "Oh no he's hurt! Is anyone here a doctor?"
A man was invited to a wedding...
A man was invited to a wedding. When he reached the hotel, he found two doors written on them:
1. Bride's relatives
2. Groom's relatives
He entered the groom's door and found two doors again:
1. Ladies
2. Men
He entered the men's door and found two doors again:
1. People with gifts
2. People without gifts
He entered the second door (people without gifts) and
He found himself outside the hotel.
A little boy was in a relative's wedding.
As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR -- all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear"
As leader of the USSR, Gorbachev was allowed to conduct weddings
He liked to keep them brief:
Gorbachev: You want to marry her?
Groom: Da
Gorbachev: You want to marry him ?
Bride: Da
Gorbachev: Then so be it.
He was a master of the So-be-it union