Brezhnev Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

An American boasts to a Soviet about the freedom of speech he has.

He says, "I can literally walk up to the oval office and say, 'President Reagan, I don't like the way you are running this country' and I won't get into any problem at all!"

The Soviet replies, "I can do the exact same, too. I too can literally walk up to the Red Square and say, 'Comrade Brezhnev, I don't like the way President Reagan is running this country' and not get into any problem!"

Ancient Soviet joke

Guy turns on the TV and there's Brezhnev making a speech. He changes the channel, there's Brezhnev again, and tries again and on the next channel is a KGB officer saying - 'You'd better stop changing channels'.

Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev, Brezhnev and Gorbachev are sitting together on a train...

The train breaks down. Lenin tries to rally the workers to work together and get the train running again. When that fails, Stalin lines up all the workers and shoots them. When that doesn't help, Khrushchev tries to reform the workers back to life. When that also fails, Brezhnev pulls down all the curtains in the rail car and says "let's just pretend the train is moving."

After sitting in the dark for a while, Gorbachev breaks the silence and says "Hey, any of you guys wanna pick up some McDonalds?"

Stalin, Kruschev, and Brezhnev are riding a train when it suddenly grinds to a halt.

Stalin says, "I know what to do. We shoot the conductor, the ticket collector, and ten passengers at random. Then the train will run again."

"No, I have a better idea," says Kruchev. "We tell everyone on the train that true communism is just around the corner! Then the train will run again."

"Tovarishi, you're trying too hard," Brezhnev cuts in. "We simply close the curtains, lean back and have a vodka, and *pretend* the train is running!"

Leonid Brezhnev, Soviet General Secretary, calls his head of the KGB, Yuri Andropov, into his office...

Brezhnev: "Comrade, how many Jews do we have in the Soviet Union?"

Andropov: "Approximately five million, Comrade."

Brezhnev: "And how many Jews do you think would leave if we allowed them to?"

Andropov: "Approximately 20 million, Comrade."

The great train of Communism grinds to a halt...

Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev are riding on the great train of communism together when it suddenly grinds to a halt.

Stalin pokes his head out of the window and shouts, "Take the engineers behind the tool sheds and have them shot, then get new engineers!" But the train still does not move.

Khrushchev has a go at it next. "Pardon the engineers, retrain them, then put them back to work!" But still the train does not move.

Finally, after hours at complete standstill, Brezhnev turns to his fuming compatriots and says, "Gentlemen, let us simply close the blinds and pretend that we are moving!"

Old Russian joke from Soviet times

Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev are all travelling together in a railway carriage. Unexpectedly, the train stops.

Lenin suggests: "Perhaps we should announce a subbotnik (volunteer work-program), so that workers and peasants will fix the problem."

Stalin puts his head out of the window and shouts, "If the train does not start moving, the driver will be shot!"

Khrushchev then chimes in, "Let's take the rails from behind the train and use them to lay the tracks in front".

Then Brezhnev says, "Comrades, Comrades, let's draw the curtains, turn on the gramophone and pretend we're moving!"

"Mr. Brezhnev, the Americans just landed on the moon!"

Brezhnev: "If the Americans were the first on the moon, then Russians will be first on the sun!"

Scientist: "But sun is so hot that astronauts will burn alive there!"

Brezhnev: "Are you stupid? We will fly to there in the night!"

Old Russian Joke as told by one of my college professors who was Russian.

Had a professor in college who was one of Gorbachev's and later one of 21 economic advisers under Yeltsin. He used to tell us these sort or stale Russian jokes that I always got a kick out of. Here is one of them:

Jimmy Carter and Brezhnev were having a deep philosophical discussion comparing the freedoms of the west to the iron clad fist rule of Russian Communism.
Jimmy Carter said "you know, in our country we have protesters outside the White House daily carrying signs and chanting 'Down with Jimmy Carter' - 'Down with this administration' and as a country, they are free to do that and voice their arguments to the government without retribution or censorship"

Brezhnev countered "This is the same in Russia. Our people are free to come to Red Square and carry 'Down with Jimmy Carter' signs too.

An older Russian joke, feel free to swap the leaders' names

Leonid Brezhnev is visiting Jimmy Carter in Washington DC.
Upon arriving in the oval office he is surprised by the luxury and asks:
"The Soviet people would love to know how can your government afford such niceties in the middle on an oil crisis."
Carter responds with "Walk to the window with me. Do you see that bridge in the distance?"
"Sure"
"When we set out to build it, we had a budget of 100 million dollars. Through clever management, we managed to build it for slightly less, and we are able to reward ourselves with some comfort"
"I see..."

A few month later, Carter is visiting Brezhnev in Moscow. He's completely blown away by the red wood furniture, Persian rugs, caviar on the table and various other luxuries. In amazement, he asks:
"The American people would love to know how can you government afford all this?"
So Brezhnev leads Carter to the window and says: "Do you see that bridge?"
"No, i don't"
"Well, there you go!"

A classic Soviet joke

(Setting: 1980 Olympics)

Leonid Ilyich Brezhnev began reading his opening speech.

"O!" - the crowd applauses.

"O!" - another round of applause and cheer comes from the audience.

"O!" - the entire audience body stands up and begins clapping.

A secretary comes to Brezhnev and says, "Dear Leonid Ilyich, these are Olympic logo rings; you don't need to read all of them!"

My Russian History Professor told us an old Soviet Union joke

Brezhnev dies and goes to hell (responsible for era of Soviet economic stagnation) where he meets the Devil.

The Devil says: "You've been a bad man, Mr. Brezhnev. I'm going to show you three doors, a different eternal punishment behind each, and you must choose your fate."

Three large wooden doors materialize; The Devil opens the first to reveal Hitler being boiled alive in a huge cauldron.

Brezhnev says: "That looks too painful, let me see the second."

The Devil opens the second door to reveal Stalin, getting repeatedly drawn and quartered by a team of horses.

Scared and discouraged, Brezhnev asks the Devil to open the third door, behind which he sees Khrushchev, smiling, bouncing Marilyn Monroe on his lap.

Brezhnev: "Wow! That doesn't look so bad! I'll take door number three!"

The Devil said: "Ok, but just so you know, it's Marilyn's torture."

How did the Kremlin staff found Brezhnev in the morning?

They found him Lenin' on the bed with heating on Marx.

Richard Nixon is telling his wife about his dream.

"Brezhnev is giving a speech in the Capitol. "And now, we will hear the report of the Secretary of the Washington Regional Committee of the Communist Party comrade Nixon R. M." ...And I realize that I am completely unprepared!"

What are the funniest brezhnev jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Brezhnev? Well, here are the best Brezhnev puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Brezhnev pick up lines to share with friends.

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