Breed Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

Give a man an egg and he'll eat for a day

Breed a man that can lay an egg and suddenly you're taking science too far.

What do you get when you breed a rabbit with an elephant?

A dead rabbit with a beat-up asshole.

Farmer tries to breed pigs

A farmer bought some breeding pigs, but after several weeks, not one was pregnant. He called the vet for help. "Why don't you try artificial insemination" said the vet.

The farmer didn't have an inkling of what artificial insemination was, but, not wanting to appear ignorant, he said, "Okay, Doc, but how will I know when the pigs are pregnant?"

"Easy. When they lie down and wallow in the mud." The farmer hung up and came to the conclusion that artificial insemination must mean that he has to impregnate those pigs himself.

So he loaded them onto his truck, drove them out into the woods, had sex with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and then went to bed. The next morning he woke up and checked the pigs.

Since they were all still standing around, he concluded that his first attempt didn't take, so he loaded them into the truck again, drove them into the woods, had sex with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and went to bed. The next morning he woke up and checked the pigs. They are still just standing around.

"Once more," he told himself, and loaded them onto the truck, drove them into the woods, had sex with each of them, brought them back to the farm, and went to bed.

The next morning, he can't even lift himself off the bed. He asked his wife to see if the pigs are wallowing in the mud yet.

"Nope," she said. "They're all in the back of the truck and one of them is honking the horn!"

A farmer wanted to buy a new rooster to breed with his chickens...

The farmer's old rooster was getting up there in the years, so he buys a new one.

The old rooster looks at the new rooster and sizes him up. "Look, sonny, I'm willing to hand over the whole henhouse to you, but you gotta prove yourself to be strong and quick. I'm gonna run, and if you can catch me, it's about time for me to retire."

The young rooster thinks it over and agrees to the contest. The old rooster runs fast, but the young rooster runs faster. Just as the young rooster is about to catch up, though -- BANG!

The farmer fired a gun, killing the young rooster. "Damn it, I bought another gay rooster!"

A New Breed of Elephant

I took my seven year old son to the zoo today. We were walking around and soon he said, Look Dad! It's a frickin' Elephant! I was shocked and slightly angry, as everybody was looking at us.

What did you just call it? I asked.

It's a frickin' Elephant, it says so on the picture! he said, and so it did, A F R I C A N Elephant.

What do you get when you breed an elephant with a rhino?

A visit from the university board of ethics.

In the year 2500 Russia and the U.S. are the last countries on the earth....

In the year 2500 Russia and the U.S. are the last countries on the earth. They both want control of the earth, so they come up with this plan. They will have a dog fight in five years; what ever country wins this dog fight gets control of the earth. So the Russians ,having control of Europe, take the biggest, meanest Siberian wolfs and German shepards and breed them over and over until they get the perfect batch of pups. Then they train them make them mean and then breed them using new enhancement technologies. This goes on and on until the event comes then they pick they're biggest, meanest, and strongest pup at prime age. They go to the event and U.S. shows up with this 30ft long Doxen Terrier. The match begins and this Doxen just rips the Russians dog into pieces. The Russians are dumbfounded they can't figure out how this happened. So they go ask the head U.S. dog official "How did you beat us? We spent 5 years training the biggest meanest dogs we could find and our most advanced using enhancement technologies. Then we come here and your dog rips ours apart in no more than 30 seconds. The U.S. official laughs and says "Thats funny we spent 2 and a half years using our best plastic surgeons trying to get a crocodile to look like a dog!"

In honor of HRH on her birthday

A man walks into a London pub clearly beaten down after a rough day. Barkeep gets to talking to him and asks the man what he does.

"I'm the trainer for the Queen's pure breed corgis." the man replies.

"Well that seems like a pretty cushy job, why are you so distraught?" the barkeep asks.

"After so much in-breeding to keep the bloodlines pure, I'm working with some of the stupidest, most stubborn things on Earth." the dog trainer says.

"Ah, I can see how that'd be frustrating."

"You want to know the worst part of it all? The dogs aren't that bright either."

What would you get if you cross breed a Borg with a Ferengi?

A scientologist.

I saw a man dragging a loaf of bread along the floor so I asked him: 'What breed is it?'

He replied: 'It's pure bread.'

In the early 1970s, researchers discovered...

...that a certain enzyme in a specific breed of seagull chicks granted dolphins that ate them a dramatically increased lifespan. Hoping that this could be made viable for humans, they started extensive testing. Unfortunately, the breed of gulls wasn't native to the area around their laboratory.

They sent a research assistant up the coast to gather additional specimens. On his way back with a truckload of the tiny birds, he accidentally struck a cougar in the road. Unfortunately for him, it was (at the time) the state animal, and harming one was a felony.

The poor guy was charged with transporting young gulls across a state lion for immortal porpoises.

I want to open a Reserve to breed, arm and train West Lowland Gorillas to fight Jihadists.

I'm going to call it Boko Harambe


Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then decides to take their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "If I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, comfortable."

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you just write, comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's a slow reader."

What is El Chapo's favorite dog breed?

A Meth Lab

What do you get when you breed an elephant with a rhino?

Hell if I know.

Suicide bombers

They're a dying breed.

Earlier the Rich had cars and the poor had horses. Now the Poor have cars and the Rich breed horses

Oh how the stables have turned

Did you know that there's a breed of dog who loves science?

You can tell which one it is because they're always wearing a lab coat.

I wanted to open a place where people could drink and go dancing. A portion of all proceeds would be donated to a nature reserve where threatened species could breed and raise their offspring in peace. But I had to close it down.

I really thought Club Baby Seals was going to be a bigger hit.

A farmer buys a cock to breed his hens...

The first day the cock fucks every hen of the farmer.
Needless to say the farmer is amazed.
The second day the cock fucks every hen plus the geese.
Needless to say the farmer is impressed and a bit worried about the cock...
Then, at the evening of the third day the cock is laying motionless on the ground with the vultures already drawing circles over him.
The farmer gets closer and says "Well, that's what you have brought to yourself..."
Then the cock says "go away, they are about to land!"
(I don't know if this has been already submitted, so, sorry if it was)

Apparently Jesus had a dog...

It was a cross breed.

Why did the hipster salmon not get to breed?

He didnt use the main stream

Tell me about yourself

1: Well uhh.. I like dogs

2: Oh, what's your favourite breed?

1: Any breed is good, they all taste the same anyway

A slightly translated Dutch joke

This is a Dutch joke where the dialog is spoken in English:

A Dutchman and an Englishman are sitting next to each other on an airplane. They start to make small talk and the Englishman asks the Dutchman what he does for a living.

The Dutchman proudly says "I fok horses!" (Fok == breed)

Shocked, the Englishman exclaims "Pardon?!?"

The Dutchman smiles and replies, "Yes! Paarden!" (Paarden == horses)

What's the smelliest breed of dog?

A poo-dle

3 dogs met at the park

The Husky mentioned that God has blessed Huskies as the superior breed.

The Rottweiler snapped quickly and replied that God said Rottweilers are the absolute best!

The German Sheppard turned and asked, I said what ?

What do you get when you breed a Bulldog and a Shih Tzu?

A mutt.

Most popular dog breed in New Mexico?

The Meth Lab.

What breed of dog is the most depressing...?

A melancholy.

What dog breed will always leave you behind?

A ciao ciao

A farmer was asked why he specifically breed satanist Yaks on his farm..

...he said he simply enjoys the yakult.

I always have nightmares

I found a breed of female horses that's up all night

What did the man say when his nose was too stuffed up to have sex?

I can't breed.

What breed of dog is magical?

The Labra-Cadabrador

Sea World announced they're not going to breed Orcas in captivity anymore...

So now the only whales you'll see in a theme park are the American women

What dog breed do Jewish pet owners desire most?

A Golden Retriever

I used to breed rabbits.

Then I realized that they pretty much know what to do.

What do you get when you breed a nigger with a octopus?

Hey, check out my new dog!

"He used to be police dog down in Florida."

"Oh, what breed is he?"

"He's a meth lab."

I breed some of the worlds best thoroughbred race horses

They are absolutely outstanding in their field

Achilles had an affinity for large breed dogs

Mostly because he couldn't stand ankle bitters.

TIFU by using Google Translate to talk about my girlfriend's dog breed

Apparently Basic Bitch doesn't mean the same thing as Standard Poodle.

What's Donald Trump's favorite dog breed?

A close-the-border collie.

What is a Persian person's favourite dog breed?


How many pandas does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Technically, just two, but it is really hard to get them to breed in captivity.

What is Jeremy Wade's favorite dog breed?


What breed is a zombie dog?

A rott

Why can't owls breed in the rain?

It's too wet to woo.

What breed of dog does Spanish drug lord have?

Coker Spaniard

What breed was Karl Marx's dog?

A proleterrier.

What do you get for breeding a donkey and a mule

A monkey

What are the funniest breed jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Breed? Well, here are the best Breed puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Breed pick up lines to share with friends.

Joko Jokes