The Best 89 Breathe Jokes

dumb blonde

A blond walk into a hair salon with headphones on and sits down in a chair. The blonde asks the woman working there for a haircut. The woman takes of the headphones and cuts the blondes hair. After she is finished she looks down and to her surprise finds the blonde dead. The woman puts on the headphones and hears this "Breathe in.....Breathe out.....Breath in.......Breath out"

What are the two most important holes on a woman?

The Nostrils. So she can breathe while giving me a blow job.

*My 10 year old brother told me this today

A children's museum SOUNDS like a good idea...

...but I would imagine it's hard to breathe inside those little glass cases.

What do boxes breathe?

Boxygen

My friend was in a terrible accident, and now has to breathe through a straw

...you could say he sucks at life.

God gathered a Jew, a Christian and a Muslim...

... and told them:
-I am tired of mankind's sins! In two weeks I'll unleash a great flood that will kill all humanity!
The Christian said:
-We have only two weeks to appease Him!
The Muslim said:
-We have only two weeks to change our ways!
The Jew said:
-We have only two weeks to learn how to breathe underwater!

A Jew is on his deathbed.

Summoning his last strength, he says: "Is my wife Sarah here with me?" And she says "Yes, I am here." He then says :"Are my children here with me?" And they reply "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last." And he smiles and says:"Is my father and siblings here with me?" And they too tell him that they are here. So the Jew lays quietly for a while and replies "Then who is the light on for in the kitchen?"

Cutest joke ever

What does a red grape tell a purple grape? Breathe, you idiot! Breathe!!

The Best Way to Enjoy a Good Wine is to First Open the Bottle and Allow it to Breathe.

Then if it does not look like it is breathing, give it mouth to mouth.

A green grape is on a vine next to a purple grape

A green grape is on a vine next to a purple grape. It looks over, gasps, and says "BREATHE!"

Whenever I have sex, my eyes water and I find it hard to breathe...

The doctor says its the mace.

What is the difference between red wine and women

I let the red wine breathe when I'm having sex with it.

A recent study has found that 90% of dead people don't breathe.

The other 10% didn't respond to the survey.

Just breathe and eat a banana. Everything will be OK.

I breathed a sigh of relief when I typed the letter "y"...

...when I had to type "analytics" into the search bar during a presentation at work.

It became harder to breathe as I ascended the snowy mountain, trudging through nearly five inches of snow. I couldn't take it anymore

I backed out with cold feet

I can do something that Einstein can't.

Breathe.

A guy came to me at the bar the other day and said "Hey bartender, I don't have much money so give me a cheap shot!"

. . I told him "your mom is ugly and your breathe stinks"

A man goes home, and finds his blonde girlfriend hanging from the staircase and crying with a rope around her stomach...

"Honey, what are you doing?"

"I tried to hang myself, but when I put the rope around my neck I couldn't breathe."

Secret to wine tasting is to open the bottle and allowing it to breathe

If it doesn't look like it is breathing, then give it a mouth-to-mouth

What's fast and can breathe underwater?

Not a toddler, I can tell you that

A joke my 4 year old came up with today...

Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?"

Me: "I dunno, what?"

Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!"

What does the wife do when her husband is struggling to breathe on the floor?

She shoots him again.

There was a boy with lung cancer...

One day a priest came to visit the boy in the hospital. The Priest sat on the boy's side to comfort him and pray. Soon, the boy was unable to breathe. Acting quickly the priest grabbed a pen and paper to gather the boy's last words. Days later at the funeral, the priest read the boys last words and it read " Dear Father Dave, you are on my oxygen tube."

Technology.( Based on true events)

My apple watch reminded me to take a minute to breathe right after my grandfather let one rip.

Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.

"Some, I assume, are good people"

"Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe?"

"Haha you can't fool me again, dad. A chair!"

"Not this time. Our dog died."

What do you call a guy with 4 penises who can breathe underwater?

Aquatic.

Have you ever gotten laid in a sleeping bag?

It's horrible. You can't breathe, it's all sweaty, and your scoutmaster is covering your mouth.

DON'T BREATHE!

Studies show that 100% of humans that have died have inhaled oxygen at least once in their life.

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe dammit, BREATHE!

My sick husband said, "I just wish l could breathe."

You could say he has high aspirations.

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

What do feminists breathe?

Oxxgen

Why do cows have bad breath?

Because they breathe dairy-air.

What is Darth Vader's favorite snack?

(Breathe heavy for effect)

"Coooo-Keees"

It is a myth that you cannot breathe underwater

You can breathe out, just not in.

My girlfriend hates giving blow jobs. She feels like she's choking and can't breathe.

I told her it's all in her head, but that made things worse.

My dad asked me: "Son, what has four legs and doesn't breathe?"

I said "You're not fooling me again dad, a chair"

He answered "No, your dog died"

Breathe in a milion times

Congratulations you're now a milionAIR!!!

One of the first dad jokes I came up with after becoming a father :)

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you breathe out of that thing?"

My Uncle with whom I share a love of bad jokes told me that.

A blond is fed up with her life

A blond woman is fed up with life, so she goes out into the woods and hangs herself. A man walks through the woods, and sees the woman hanging from her waste on a rope tied to a tree.

"What are you doing?" - He asks.

"Hanging myself," she replies.

"Shouldn't the rope be around your neck?" he asks.

She replies, "I tried that, but I couldn't breathe."

A wine aficionado/part time EMT gets invited to a dinner party...

While the bottle of red was passed out, he shouts "Everybody get back! OK, now let it breathe a little."

Why did the dragon breathe fire in the house?

Because the lights were burnt out.

*My 3 year old son came up with this while I was playing dungeon and dragons*

What did the green grape say to the red grape?

BREATHE YOU IDIOT

Thought I had written something clever until i started telling this one and no one got it.

I made a trip to the local dump yesterday and while I was there, I noticed that one of the employees was coughing and struggling to breathe, trying to heft a bag into a dumpster. So I went over to him and asked "excuse me sir, are you alright? Do you need a hand?" And he just replies "Nah I'm used to it, it's just miasma."

I had to break up with my girlfriend because she had bad breathe...

... I guess it just wasn't mint to be.

In the beginning of time

Adam was taking a naked stroll through the Garden of Edan, naming the animals. He found a large creature with a long nose and big ears. He said "I think I'll call you Elephant." The elephant replied "How do you breathe through that thing?!"

How do Hogwarts students keep their breathe fresh?

enchant mints

When you're so in tune with what's happening that you can't breathe...

Woke apnea

My Uncle said he didn't need to breathe for the rest of his life. I said that it was impossible, he proved me wrong.

He stopped breathing for 10 minutes and died. I owe him 20$.

Why do so many people smoke in China?

So that they can breathe in filtered air.

Johnny Carson Classic

The air quality in Los Angeles is so bad...
How bad is it?
When locals want to breathe fresh air, they suck the air out of tires from cars with out-of-state license plates.

What does a Dalmatian eat, breathe, and sleep for?

The spotlight!

What's the difference between Tay Zonday and ASMR videos?

Tay moves away from the mic to breathe in.

I bought a Carbon Dioxide detector and I think it's busted.

I can't even breathe without it going off.

I breathe heavy whenever I'm around woman's underwear.

I guess that's why they call them panties.

How does an english airplane breathe?

Through its british airways, of course

How did the Iron Giant breathe when he got polio?

With iron lungs.

Did you know you can't breathe while smiling?

Just kidding, wanted to make you smile.

A King and Queen are having trouble conceiving a child...

So the king starts holding his breath. When the Queen asks him why he says, "How can I breathe when there's no heir?"

Honestly, vegans should stop

If they continue eating the Amazon rainforest we won't be able to breathe.

What kind of food causes you to breathe fire when you're sleepy?

A filet mignon

Angry about Coronavirus?

Breathe now, Vent later.

My grandpa and Eminem rapping have 1 thing in common

They don't breathe

What did the elephant ask the nudist?

How do you breathe through that trunk?

A blonde was walking down the street with headphones in

A friend of hers stops her, and tries to talk to her

The blonde just stares at them, keeping the headphones in her ears, so the friend removes them for her and the blonde stops breathing

The friend quickly puts the earbuds back in and she starts breathing again

The friend tries it again, and the blonde stops breathing

The friend takes out only one ear bud, and sticks it in their ear and hears,

Breathe in, breathe out, breath in...

Why are synthetic fibres like the police?

They don't let you breathe.

I organized a "Fat Lives Matter" march. We all got very tired...

I can't breathe.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

How do you breathe out of that thing?

I comforted my depressed friend.

I said, Sometimes, you just got to stop and breathe in the air.

He said, Yeah, like all the time.

I'm gonna lose my mind if someone says they cant breathe or talk wearing a face mask

I had a girl in my basement for seven months wearing a ball gag and she's fine

Why is Covid-19 such a problem for Republicans?

Because people that can't breathe turn blue.

Fun fact: You can't breathe correctly while smiling

Just kidding, I made you smile :)

A man is shopping without a mask on....

Man: *looks at store items without wearing a mask*

Shop Keeper: Hey sir, you can't shop hear without a mask on.

Man: Nah I have a Medical condition that makes it hard for me to breathe.

Shop Keeper: Oh, what condition?

Man: Covid-19

A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says "did you know that everytime I breathe somebody's dies?"

The fellow turns to him and says "have you tried mouthwash?"

What did the Green grape say to the Purple grape?

Breathe idiot! Breathe!

an elephant looked through the tall grass when he saw a nudist tribe

it gasped and said said how do you breathe through those?

An old Jew is on his deathbed.

A 90 year-old Jew is on his deathbed. Summoning his last bit of strength, he lifts his head and whispers: "Is my beloved wife Sarah here with me?" And Sarah says, "Yes, I am here."

He then says: "Are my children -- my wonderful children -- are they here with me?" And they reply, "Yes father, we are here with you to see you breathe your last."

And he says: "Are my brothers and sisters here with me as well?" And they too tell him that they are here.

So the old man lays back quietly, closes his eyes, and says, "If everybody is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?"

An elephant meets a naked man and asks...

How do you breathe through that?

A year after historic protests...

white, anti-vax Republicans are finally saying I can't breathe .

What do turtles say to themselves to calm down?

My 7 yr old: dad, I made up a joke and it's really funny.
Me: ok hit me.
Her: what do turtles say to themselves to calm down?
Me: mmm I dunno, what?
Her: in through your nose, out through your butt.
Me: …
Her: …
Me: …
Her: turtles breathe through their butts, dad.
Me: oh! Haha nice one. Wow. You're smart.

I think you need to go outside to take a breather.

Hank, we're astronauts.

What did the elephant say to the guy?

That's cute but can you breathe through it...

"can you take off the corset, I can't breathe" said my wife

"sure, if it will make you stop laughing and tell me how I look in it" I replied

You don't have a living room

Because it doesn't breathe

What did the Mammoth say to the naked caveman?

How can you even breathe outta that little thing?

A teacher is explaining the concept of statistics with an example: "Statistically, every time I breathe out, someone dies."

Student: "Have you tried antiseptic mouthwash, sir?"

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

Breathe!