Breath Test Jokes
15 breath test jokes and hilarious breath test puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about breath test that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
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Funniest Breath Test Short Jokes
Short breath test jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The breath test humour may include short breathalyzer jokes also.
- SO happy to announce my mother has tested negative for COVID-19... Doctor said the breathing issues are only pulmonary fibrosis, a collapsed lung, and stage 4 cancer. Phew!
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Breath Test Funny Jokes And Hilarious Puns.
What funny jokes about breath test you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean blood test jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make breath test pranks.
A warning to be careful about drunk driving..
Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many pints before progressing on to Tequila. Not a good idea.
Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car at the car park and took a taxi home.
On the way home, I passed a police checkpoint on the freeway. The cops were pulling over cars and performing breath tests. Because I was in a taxi, they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as....
I've never driven a taxi before and I am not even sure where I got it from..
An officer sees a man leave the bar at closing time and walk in a drunken fashion, trying to enter each car parked there.
The officer thinks to himself I have got an easy catch. Meanwhile while this is going in, the other patrons enter their own cars and drive off.
When the drunken man finally climbs in his own car and pulls out, the cop is waiting for him and gives a breath analyser test.
To his surprise, it shows a reading of 0.0. Confused, the cop asks the driver, how?
To which the driver replies - Tonight, I am the designated decoy.
I'd been out drinking, and knew I'd had way too much to drive my car safely.
I knew there was a breath testing checkpoint between the bar and my place, so I decided to take a bus. Sure enough, when the bus reached the checkpoint we were waved through. This morning though when I woke up, hungover as b**..., there was a d**... bus on my lawn and I don't know what the h**... is going on
Russian police officer pulls over a man in Lada...
Russian police officer pulls over a man in Lada, who was swerving across the road. He asks: "Did you have anything to drink?"
"No," says the man.
The cop doesn't believe him and gives him a breathalyzer test. The man blows into the device and the result comes back negative. The police officer is baffled and to test the device, he breathes into it himself. The device beeps, he looks at the screen and says:
"Clearly, it's working..."
English Football joke.
A policeman stops a suspected drunk driver and asks him to take a
breath test, the driver pulls out a medical card which says 'this man
is asthmatic please do not take his breath.'
So the policeman asks him to take a blood test, the man then
pulls out another card which read 'this man is anemic, please
do not take his blood'. Finally the police, getting p**... off asks
him to take a u**... test, finally the man pulled out his
Manchester United season ticket which read 'this man is a
Manchester United fan, please do not take the p**....
(Edit works with other teams as well.)
Pulled Over
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking blonde woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell of liquor on her breath. He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blew the breathalyzer and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She turned red, and replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"
A cop saw a car weaving all ov
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He said, "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol."
She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She replied, "You mean it shows that, too?"
A man goes to the doctor
"Help me", he says, "I think I might be asthmatic because I have a really hard time breathing"
The doctor performes a couple of tests and tells him: "From now on, I want you to sleep with your windows wide open."
A week later the man comes to the doctor again. The doctor asks him: "So, did you follow my recommendation?"
"Yes sir, I slept with my windows wide open every night"
"And what about your asthma? Did it disappear?"
"No, but what did is my watch, my laptop, my television, ..."
A warning to all.
Be careful about drink driving as we are getting near to Christmas and the police are out checking on people.
Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few to many, not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was in a bus they just waved it past.
I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I'm not even sure where I got it from.
Are my t**... black?
A man is in an accident and is placed on an oxygen mask to assist his breathing.
His nurse checks on him and asks if there is anything he needs?
He say yes, could you check if my t**... are black?
She thinks, that is an odd request but decides to check for him as he looks very nervous.
She looks at his t**..., flips them left and right and even rolls them in her hand to get a good look.
After a few seconds she puts the sheet back down and notices the man smiling. She says to him,"no sir your t**... are fine. Why are you smiling?"
He simply points at the mask, which she removes and he replies,"i just wanted to thank you for that experience, it was wonderful. But, are my test results back?"
Blonde Special
The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
She said, "I have some really great news!"
I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!" Then she said, "There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. She said....
"Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!"
An Englishman in France
This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally blasted. A French policeman stops his car and asks if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception, and many single malts scotches thereafter.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to alcohol-test (breath test) the Englishman and - ping, pow, boom - verifies that he is indeed sloshed. He asks the Englishman if he knows why, under French Law, he is going to be arrested. The Englishman answers with a bit of humor, "No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you realize that this is a British car and that my wife is the one driving . . . . . on the other side?"
A guys gets a call from his doctor
The doctor says: "I'm afraid that I have some really bad news for you. Your test results are back and it says here that you only have one more day to live".
The man grasps for breath and cries out: "doctor, that's terrible news, how can that be?".
The doctor says: "I'm afraid I have more bad news for you".
"What, what now? What could possibly be worse than that?" the man, now in total despair, asks.
"I really tried, but I couldn't reach you yesterday" the doctor answers.
This happened to an Englishman in France who was quite drunk
The French policeman stops his car and asks the gentleman if he has been drinking.
With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married in the morning to a French man, and that he drank champagne and a few bottles of wine at the reception and a quite few glasses of single malt there after.
Quite upset, the policeman proceeds to perform a breath test on him and asks the Englishman if he knows why he is going to be arrested.
The Englishman answers: No sir, I do not! But while we're asking questions, do you know that this is a British car and my wife is driving... on the other side?