Breath Jokes
176 breath jokes and hilarious breath puns to laugh out loud. Read jokes about breath that are clean and suitable for kids and friends.
Discover the best breath jokes to share with your friends! From hilarious jokes about the effects of bad breath to funny puns about popular breath mints, there's something for everyone. Put your friends to the test with amusing breath tests and watch them wheeze with laughter. Whether you're out of breath from a good laugh or just need to fluff up the conversation, these breath jokes are sure to inspire much needed exhales.
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Funniest Breath Short Jokes
Short breath jokes and puns are one of the best ways to have fun with word play in English. The breath humour may include short breeze jokes also.
- How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb? None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.
( - SCUBA is an acronym for "Self contained underwater breathing apparatus". Tuba is also an acronym. It stands for "terrible underwater breathing apparatus"
- A baby roach asks his dad what happens if they get sprayed with Raid. Papa Roach said, Suffocation, no breathing.
- A joke my 4 year old came up with today... Him: "What's the only mammal that can breathe under water?"
Me: "I dunno, what?"
Him (loudly): "An elephant sticking his trunk up!" - "Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe?" "Haha you can't fool me again, dad. A chair!"
"Not this time. Our dog died." - A teacher is explaining the concept of statistics with an example: "Statistically, every time I breathe out, someone dies." Student: "Have you tried antiseptic mouthwash, sir?"
- I like my women how I like my Corona viruses Easy to get, quick to spread and leaving me out of breath
- The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild was originally intended to be for Wii U But mid-way through development they made the switch.
- My dad was so Competitive that on his death bed, as he breathed his last He said, "Staring contest... GO."
- I've got a pretty long Police record.... It's a full 44 minutes long and contains "Every Breath You Take"
Share These Breath Jokes With Friends
Breath One Liners
Which breath one liners are funny enough to crack down and make fun with breath? I can suggest the ones about smell and sighed.
- Fun fact: You can't breathe correctly while smiling Just kidding, I made you smile :)
- Why do people in Beijing smoke so many cigarettes? To get a breath of filtered air.
- I got Inside a vacuum chamber once. It was breath taking.
- What did the Green grape say to the Purple grape? Breathe idiot! Breathe!
- If you miss your ex Steady aim, control breathing, and fire again
- Did you know you can't breathe while smiling? Just kidding, wanted to make you smile.
- What do cannibals use to freshen their breath? Men toes
- How do cannibals freshen their breath? Men toes.
- What did the green grape say to the purple grape? Breathe!
- Cutest joke ever What does a red grape tell a purple grape? Breathe, you idiot! Breathe!!
- Why did the Albino pig have bad breath? He has no Pig mints.
- What's fast and can breathe underwater? Not a toddler, I can tell you that
- How do scientists keep their breath fresh? Experamints
- Are you a cop from New York? Because you take my breath away.
- My girlfriend takes my breath away. She's inflatable.
Your Breath Jokes
Here is a list of funny your breath jokes and even better your breath puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would have survived the same situation... Almost died in Finding Nemo
- When I asked my friend how he's doing, he said "man, I'm just happy to be breathing". I told him he should have bigger aspirations.
- Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, was quite skinny, and apparently had bad breath. That'd make him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
- What do you call an incredibly insensitive shaman who's also weak and suffers from chronic bad breath? A super callous fragile mystic plagued by halitosis.
- I met a frail old wizard. He had bad breath and loads of blisters. He was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
- A girl is at the doctor. The doctor is about to use the stethoscope and says "Big Breath" The girls says "Yeth, and I'm only thixteen"
- People hate the police so much these days... ...that even Sting has stopped performing "Every Breath You Take."
- Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. "Some, I assume, are good people"
- My ex broke up with me My ex broke up with me because I , apparently , was too immature ...
I took a deep breath and calmed down.
Then I went to her house , rang the doorbell and ran away. - A children's museum SOUNDS like a good idea... ...but I would imagine it's hard to breathe inside those little glass cases.
Your Breath Is So Bad Jokes
Here is a list of funny your breath is so bad jokes and even better your breath is so bad puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a monk who walks everywhere in bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath? A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
- What do you call a wizard who walks everywhere on bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. - I asked my doctor how bad my breath is. "You see that broccoli over there?" he pointed.
"Yes..." I replied.
"That was a cauliflower before you started talking." - What do you give an apprehensive person with bad breath? An encourage mint.
- What do you call a really cranky shaman with bad breath and osteoporosis? A Super-calloused-fragile-mystic-hexed-by-halitosis
- Did you hear about the sickly magician with blisters and bad breath? He's a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
- How to tell someone they have a bad breath nicely ? "Oh boy I am bored lets brush our teeth"
- Have you heard about the barefoot frail wizard with bad breath? Well it's the first confirmed case of a super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis
- There's no easy well to tell your girlfriend that she has bad breath. I think I'm just going to stop kissing your girlfriend.
- What do you get when you turn a blonde girl upside down? A brunette with bad breath
Breath So Bad Jokes
Here is a list of funny breath so bad jokes and even better breath so bad puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- What do you call a chubby girl who's cranky, has bad breath and doesn't screw? You don't call her.
- Imagine if trees gave off Wi-Fi signals, we would be planting so many trees and we'd probably save the planet too. Too bad they only produce the oxygen we breath.
- Since Ghandi walked barefoot, and ate a diet giving him bad breath, he was... A super Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed by Halitosis!
- What do you call a blonde upside down? A brunette with bad breath.
- Why do redheads have bad breath? Gingervitis
- Yo mommas breath smells so bad She should be wearing a diaper on her face.
- What would you call a store that sold only mints and gum? Bad Breath and Beyond.
- My wife said it's either her or the dog. ​
So I've got to choose between a hairy, drooling mongrel with bad breath. . . or my beloved canine. - Why do cows have bad breath? Because they breathe dairy-air.
- What do you call an excellent marksman with bad breath? No Scope
Bad Breath Jokes
Here is a list of funny bad breath jokes and even better bad breath puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away... Too bad we all can't be asthmatics!
- When Moses came down the mountain, he noticed his followers had bad breath. So he gave them the Ten Commandmints
- I thought eating abalone would give me bad breath but it turns out I was just reading the genus wrong.
- [nsfw] What does a blond become when she is turned uppside-down? A brunett with bad breath
- I had to break up with my girlfriend because she had bad breathe... ... I guess it just wasn't mint to be.
- How do Zombies get rid of Bad Breath? They Munch on some Flesh Mint!
- Why can't you hang out with bears? Their bad breath is un-bear-able.
- Jesus never had bad breath. At-one-mint
- Yo momma's breath is so bad... She can just whisper the word "hi" and revive a room full of coma patients.
- Even if your life is hard, don't sigh... You breath smells bad.
Breath Mint Jokes
Here is a list of funny breath mint jokes and even better breath mint puns that will make you laugh with friends.
- I had a dream about a breath freshener left on my pillow. I ate it and it tasted like a fig. Then I woke up. Guess it was just a fig mint of my imagination.
- How do Hogwarts students keep their breathe fresh? enchant mints
- How do scientists freshen their breath? With *experi-mints* !
- What does a scientist take to freshen their breath? Experi-mints! AH HA!
- I once amputated a man's toe and replaced it with a prosthetic made from a breath mint. I gave him a Tic Tac toe.
- What kind of breath mints do dyslexic military officers use? Tac-tics
- What do houses eat when their breath stinks? Apart Mints
- My boy asked me how to get a kiss on the first date. I told him to plan ahead and get some breath mints. Tac Tics my son, Tac Tics
- What do you call two breath mints that were turned into humans by a scientist? Ex-pair-a-mints.
- What do you call sugar-free breath mints from California? "Sacramentos."
Hilarious Breath Jokes for a Fun-Filled Night with Friends
What funny jokes about breath you can tell and make people laugh? An example I can give is a clean gasps jokes that will for sure put a smile on everyones mouth and help you make breath pranks.
You're coughing all the time and it's hard for you to breath, what happend?
It's a lung story
It's a miracle!
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"
CPR
I popped my head over my s**... neighbour's fence today to see her lying in her bikini.
"Wow, you're gorgeous!" I burst out, "I hope you know how to do CPR."
"Why?" she asked with a giggle, "Because I've taken your breath away?"
"No," I replied. "I've just run your son over out front."
What did the elephant say to the n**... man?
"How do you breath through something so small?"
A cop knocks on a man's front door late one night
and he asks to see a picture of the man's wife. "Sure," he says, a bit puzzled. The man produces a picture from his wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer takes one look and takes a long, deep breath.
With difficulty, he looks the man in the eyes and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to tell you this, but your wife's been hit by a truck."
The man replies, "I know, but she's got a great personality and she can really cook."
Gandhi...
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Mahatma Gandhi...
...walked barefoot a lot, which probably produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. I've heard he also ate very little, which could have made him rather frail. The odd diet he kept leads me to believe he suffered from bad breath. I suppose you could have called him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a j**... lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a j**... lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.
A soon-to-be-wed couple are snuggling in bed after s**... one night...
...The man suggests that they come clean about any straying that they may have done since they got together.
"It`s best to get this stuff out in the open before the wedding," he explains.
The woman replies, "Oh darling. Don`t you remember? We went through all this a month ago."
The man takes a deep breath and says, "Aah...yes...But that was a month ago..."
Two Mexicans were walking through the desert...
After days without food or water, one of them spot a tree on the horizon.
"Look ese" one of them says. "Is a bacon tree!"
The other Mexican becomes excited, and starts running towards the tree. When he is only a few yards away, a hail of bullets hit him, and he falls to the ground. With his last breath he shouts to his friend.
"Run ese, is no bacon tree. Is a ham-bush"
A cat eats a slice of swiss cheese...
and sits by the mousetrap with baited breath.
A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...
after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.
"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.
"Yes there is," he replies.
"I would like some breakfast"
The MI5 are watching every move I make and breath I take...
It seems it's a sting operation
A man enters a pet shop...
...and wants to buy a polar bear. The shop assistant takes the man to the bear's cage and says: "The polar bear is absolutely tamed, but whatever you do, don't touch his nose."
The man goes home with his new pet and everything is OK. Until the man can't no longer withstand: "I have to try what happens, when I touch his nose!" So he touches the nose and the polar bear leaps towards him and chases the man throughout the house.
Finally the man runs out of breath and the polar bear catches him. With his paw the bear taps the man's shoulder and says: "You are it!"
Hair Fragrance
Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a s**... harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "So what's s**... threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
A father takes a deep breath and says "Son, I think it's time you and I talk about s**...."
His son took a deep breath as well "Sure dad, what do you want to know about it?"
A wife sits with her husband, who is on his deathbed...
The husband says, "Darling, I think it's time... I have one last wish before I pass."
"What is it, dear?"
"About six months after I'm gone, I want you to marry Joey, ok?"
She sat dumbfounded for a second. "But, I thought you *hated* that man?"
The husband grabbed her hand and with his last breath whispered "I do."
There once was an old mystic
He was too poor to afford shoes, so he often had sores on his feet, and since he was old, he could easily break his bones if he was not careful. He also had a very bad diet, so his breath smelt terrible.
I guess you could say he was a....
**Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed with Halitosis**
My friend says his new girlfriend takes his breath away
..but that's because she is inflatable
Breakfast
An angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come stumbling in here at six o'clock in the morning?"
"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."
Preacher gets pulled over.
The officer asks for ID, when he says
"what have you had to drink tonight?"
The preacher replies
"Only water, sir."
The officer insists "I distinctly smell wine on your breath!"
The preacher, with a confident retort, says
"d**..., he's done it again."
So we all know about Gandhi right?
Well Gandhi as well know was a very important person who in recent times has taken on a mystic quality to some. He often fasted for long periods of time making him rather weak and fragile, he went barefoot for long periods of time and so it's fair to assume he built up lots and lots of callouses and he was reported at one point to have very bad breath because of a gum disease. This all means he was a...
Super Calloused Fragile Mystic Hexed By Halitosis
The very spiritual Gandhi walked everywhere, leaving him with impressive calluses. And he ate very little, which made him rather frail. His odd diet also plagued him with bad breath. I guess you could say.....
That he was a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
So my son came home drunk at 2am.
I said, "excuse me, but you are out past curfew and I distinctly smell beer on your breath." "No dad, I'm sorry I'm home late but I wasn't drinking. My buddies and I were eating froglegs." So I looked at him and said, "I have been around for a while I know what beer smells like." He started to panic and said,"dad you're just smelling the hops."
EDIT : Apostrophe
Husband's night out
An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.
"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "That there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you."
"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."
The Old Man and his wife
A couple were celebrating 60 years of marriage, the old man kissed his wife's neck and then said: "Of our six kids the last one didn's look anything like his brothers and sister, did he have a different father?"
After a moment she took a deep breath and answered yes.
The old man sighed. "Who was he?"
"You.
A soldier is running from Military Police. He runs up to a nun, and asks, out of breath: "Please... may I hide under your tunic?"
..."I'll explain later."
The nun nods in agreement.
A moment later, two Military Police officers show up and ask:
"Sister, have you seen a soldier here?"
The nun shakes her head. MPs run off, and the soldier crawls out from under her tunic and says, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria. I want to return to my family..."
The nun nods and smiles.
The soldier, relieved, adds jokingly: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"
The nun smiles, and replies in a deep voice "Well lad, if you had looked a bit higher, you would've seen a great pair of b**...… guess we're both not going to Syria."
An old man walked into an ice cream parlor...
He slowly climbed onto a stool, wincing with pain, and then proceeded to order a banana split.
"Crushed nuts, sir?" asked the waitress.
The old man took a deep breath and replied, "No, arthritis"
Mahatma Ghandi never wore shoes...
Gandhi never wore shoes, and so his feet were always covered in loads of callouses and blisters. And because he never ate food, he was always very frail. Furthermore his fasting caused him to have horrible breath. So...
I guess you could say he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
So there was a monk...
This particular monk could only eat garlic for his religious diet, which made him EXTREMELY weak, and also gave him bad breath. Also, like most other monks he wore no shoes, which gave him many callouses.
This made him a "super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis."
A dying grandma tells her grandchild....
A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."
Me to My Neighbour
we get it. you can hold your breath (*looks at watch*) for 19 days. Quit showing off and come out of that pool.
An airline employee makes the final boarding call for a flight.
After she finished the announcement, she spots a man running down the concourse towards the gate. He runs through the boarding area, hurdles a row of empty chairs, and stops at the podium, almost out of breath.
"You just made it!" she says. "Do you have your boarding pass?"
"Oh, this isn't my flight," the man says. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm vegan."
My girlfriend broke up with me
She thinks that I'm childish. So, I calmed down. Took a deep breath. Went to her house. Rang the doorbell and then ran away.
What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
A state trooper pulls over a priest
A state trooper pulls over a priest. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Y'know Mahatma Gandhi?
Well, he walked a lot, and that means he had really calloused feet.
He also had an odd diet, that didn't consist of much, which made him frail.
This diet also gave him very bad breath.
This made him...
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Breathing heavily, she asked me what I can give her.
Me: "I'll give you a hint, it starts with a D"
Her: "Oh yess, I can't wait!"
Me: "That's right, get ready for some disappointment!"
Ghandi
Mahatma Gandhi lived a strange life
Because of his odd diet, he was plagued by a constant case of bad breath. This diet also left him rather thin and frail.
Because he didn't wear shoes, and he walked everywhere, he developed an impressively thick set of calluses on the soles of his feet.
All-in-all, he was a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
A priest is pulled over for speeding...
Smelling alcohol on the priest breath and noticing a wine bottle in the passenger seat of the car, the highway patrolman asks, "father, have you been drinking?"
"just water," the priest replies.
"Then why do I smell wine on your breath?" quipped the patrolman.
The priest looks down at the bottle and exclaims, "good Lord he's done it again".
Edited for u/littlekiing
Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.
He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very smelly breath.
He eventually became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.
He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.
He says: "Have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest.
The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"
Last night a man attacked me.
Last night when i was coming home from work a man attacked me. He silently put the knife to my t**... with his hand covering my mouth.. I think that's it, I'm done. He takes out his business card, gives it to me and leaves. With a pounding heart and shortness of breath, I read it.
It said : *Self-defense courses.*
I like to hold my breath whenever a character goes underwater in a movie. That way I know if I'd survive if I were that character.
I was rushed to the E.R after Finding Nemo
I have a new recipe that's gluten free, sugar free, no-fat, non-GMO, pesticide free, low-calorie, vegan, kosher and paleo-friendly.
It's a real breath of fresh air.
I've invented a new game. You use small breath mints as playing pieces in the old-fashioned match-3-in-a-row game. I'd be happy to teach you my strategy for winning this game, but I'll have to charge you a small fee:
Call it a Tic Tac Tic-Tac-Toe Tactics Tax.
Julie Andrews withdraws her endorsement
Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Revlon Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.
In a statement she said, "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis."
Wife: "Why are the dishes still in the sink?"
Husband: "Because if I let them soak for long enough, getting them clean will be effortless.
\**Wife rolls eyes*\*
Wife: "Oh forget it. I'll do it myself."
\**Wife goes to wash the dishes*\*
Husband (under his breath): "See? Effortless."
My dad's favorite. (Get the groan ready)
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and...with his odd diet...he suffered from bad breath.
This made him...
...a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A husband is admitted to the hospital...
He has fallen very ill and his future is unsure. He says to his wife, "honey, if I die, I think you should marry Hank from down the street."
"Hank?" the wife questions, "I thought you hated him?"
With his last breath the husband replies "I do"
Sometimes I hide my girlfriend's inhaler
So that the neighbours think I am a stud when they hear her panting, "Give it to me!"
Also, so that I can still take her breath away, after all these years...
Mahatma Ghandi walked thousands of miles with bare feet...
This caused him to develop an impressive set of callouses.
He also are very little, which made him rather frail, and due to this strange diet, suffered from bad breath.
All told, he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him.
She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street.
At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load."
He ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker looks at her and finally, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck."
Bride
The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."
The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."
"I know how to f*c**..., mother," the bride-to-be interrupted.
"I want you to teach me your lasagna recipe."
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a s**... harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies: It's Frank, the midget.
So Gandhi wandered the desert barefoot and had hard, worn feet...
He was very thin from fasting often, his followers considered him prophetic, and because of his fasting and strange diet had chronic bad breath.
In short, you could say he was a
Super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
This hideous woman came stumbling up to me in a club with whiskey breath. She leaned into my ear.
"s**...?" she asked.
"Male," I replied.
This chick was beautiful so I asked her if she was a cop
Because she took my breath away
Dad on his death bed: Son, I have to tell you something
Son under his breath: I bet I'm adopted
Dad: You were ado...
Dad dies
Son: Knew it
Dad wakes up: You were adorable as a baby
Dad dies
Son: Awww, thats so sweet
Dad wakes up: That's why we adopted you
A guy goes into a grocery store.
He sees a pile of potatoes, and asks the store keeper:
"What are those?"
"Those are potatoes"
"Can I have a kilo of potatoes individually wrapped?"
The store keeper shakes his head and start wrapping potatoes.
"What are those?"
"Those are plums..."
"Can I have a kilogram of plums all individually wrapped?"
The store keeper cusses under his breath and starts packing plums.
"... and what are those?!
"Those are poppy seeds and they are NOT for sale!"
My girlfriend got really mad at me today, screaming about how I always have to be right about things and how I'm a complete monster like Frankenstein or something.
Luckily she paused for breath so I was able to point out Frankenstein was the doctor's name.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine
He inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a s**... harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?
The woman replies: It's Frank, the midget.
