Breath Jokes

Following is our collection of wheeze humor and minty one-liner funnies working better than reddit jokes. They include Breath puns for adults, dirty breathing blonde jokes or clean breathe gags for kids.

There is an abundance of gasp jokes out there. You're fortunate to read a set of the 69 funniest jokes on breath. Full with funny wisecracks it is even funnier than any whiff witze you can hear about breath.

The Best jokes about Breath

How many Republicans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They're afraid of change- even if it makes the world a brighter place.

(

A dying grandma tells her grandchild....

A dying grandma tells her grandchild, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash." The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?" With her last breath, Grandma whispered, "Facebook..."

Mahatma Gandhi was a strange person.

He walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He often went on hunger strikes, and even when he wasn't on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. He also was a very spiritual person. Finally, because he didn't eat much and when he did his diet was peculiar, he developed very smelly breath.

He eventually became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

My dad's favorite. (Get the groan ready)

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and...with his odd diet...he suffered from bad breath.
This made him...
...a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Why do people in Beijing smoke so many cigarettes?

To get a breath of filtered air.


A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...

after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.

"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.

"Yes there is," he replies.
"I would like some breakfast"

Y'know Mahatma Gandhi?

Well, he walked a lot, and that means he had really calloused feet.

He also had an odd diet, that didn't consist of much, which made him frail.

This diet also gave him very bad breath.

This made him...


A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Sometimes I hide my girlfriend's inhaler

So that the neighbours think I am a stud when they hear her panting, "Give it to me!"

Also, so that I can still take her breath away, after all these years...

I like my women how I like my Corona viruses

Easy to get, quick to spread and leaving me out of breath

An Irish priest is driving along a country road when a police man pulls him over.

He immediately smells alcohol on the priest's breath and notices an empty wine bottle in the car.

He says: "Have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The cop replies: "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says: "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

A wife sits with her husband, who is on his deathbed...

The husband says, "Darling, I think it's time... I have one last wish before I pass."

"What is it, dear?"

"About six months after I'm gone, I want you to marry Joey, ok?"

She sat dumbfounded for a second. "But, I thought you *hated* that man?"

The husband grabbed her hand and with his last breath whispered "I do."


Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: What's threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies: It's Frank, the midget.

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild was originally intended to be for Wii U

But mid-way through development they made the switch.

A trucker stops at a red light and a blonde catches up to him.

She knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker just ignores her, the light changes, and he proceeds down the street.

At the next light, the blonde again catches up and says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load."

He ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the next red light the blonde catches up, all out of breath, knocks on the window and says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker looks at her and finally, he says, "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's snowing, and I'm driving a salt truck."

Julie Andrews withdraws her endorsement

Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Revlon Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell.

In a statement she said, "The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis."

I got Inside a vacuum chamber once.

It was breath taking.

Wife: "Why are the dishes still in the sink?"

Husband: "Because if I let them soak for long enough, getting them clean will be effortless.

 

\**Wife rolls eyes*\*

 

Wife: "Oh forget it. I'll do it myself."

 

\**Wife goes to wash the dishes*\*

 

Husband (under his breath): "See? Effortless."

I've got a pretty long Police record....

It's a full 44 minutes long and contains "Every Breath You Take"

Last night a man attacked me.

Last night when i was coming home from work a man attacked me. He silently put the knife to my throat with his hand covering my mouth.. I think that's it, I'm done. He takes out his business card, gives it to me and leaves. With a pounding heart and shortness of breath, I read it.

It said : *Self-defense courses.*


An airline employee makes the final boarding call for a flight.

After she finished the announcement, she spots a man running down the concourse towards the gate. He runs through the boarding area, hurdles a row of empty chairs, and stops at the podium, almost out of breath.

"You just made it!" she says. "Do you have your boarding pass?"

"Oh, this isn't my flight," the man says. "I just wanted to tell you that I'm vegan."

It's a miracle!

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would have survived the same situation...

Almost died in Finding Nemo

A state trooper pulls over a priest

A state trooper pulls over a priest. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?" "Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?" The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, was quite skinny, and apparently had bad breath.

That'd make him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

The very spiritual Gandhi walked everywhere, leaving him with impressive calluses. And he ate very little, which made him rather frail. His odd diet also plagued him with bad breath. I guess you could say.....

That he was a super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Gandhi...

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

What did the elephant say to the naked man?

"How do you breath through something so small?"

Husband's night out

An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.

"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "That there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you."

"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."

Did you know you can't breathe while smiling?

Just kidding, wanted to make you smile.

A girl is at the doctor. The doctor is about to use the stethoscope and says "Big Breath"

The girls says "Yeth, and I'm only thixteen"

People hate the police so much these days...

...that even Sting has stopped performing "Every Breath You Take."

A priest is pulled over for speeding...

Smelling alcohol on the priest breath and noticing a wine bottle in the passenger seat of the car, the highway patrolman asks, "father, have you been drinking?"

"just water," the priest replies.

"Then why do I smell wine on your breath?" quipped​ the patrolman.

The priest looks down at the bottle and exclaims, "good Lord he's done it again".

Edited for u/littlekiing

The Old Man and his wife

A couple were celebrating 60 years of marriage, the old man kissed his wife's neck and then said: "Of our six kids the last one didn's look anything like his brothers and sister, did he have a different father?"
After a moment she took a deep breath and answered yes.
The old man sighed. "Who was he?"
"You.

My ex broke up with me

My ex broke up with me because I , apparently , was too immature ...
I took a deep breath and calmed down.
Then I went to her house , rang the doorbell and ran away.

What do cannibals use to freshen their breath?

Men toes

This hideous woman came stumbling up to me in a club with whiskey breath. She leaned into my ear.

"Sex?" she asked.

"Male," I replied.

A cop knocks on a man's front door late one night

and he asks to see a picture of the man's wife. "Sure," he says, a bit puzzled. The man produces a picture from his wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer takes one look and takes a long, deep breath.
With difficulty, he looks the man in the eyes and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to tell you this, but your wife's been hit by a truck."
The man replies, "I know, but she's got a great personality and she can really cook."

I like to hold my breath whenever a character goes underwater in a movie. That way I know if I'd survive if I were that character.

I was rushed to the E.R after Finding Nemo

What do you call a monk who walks everywhere in bare feet, has poor bone density and really bad breath?

A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

So there was a monk...

This particular monk could only eat garlic for his religious diet, which made him EXTREMELY weak, and also gave him bad breath. Also, like most other monks he wore no shoes, which gave him many callouses.
This made him a "super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis."

Mahatma Gandhi...

...walked barefoot a lot, which probably produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. I've heard he also ate very little, which could have made him rather frail. The odd diet he kept leads me to believe he suffered from bad breath. I suppose you could have called him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this:

"Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?"

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!"

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.......

Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye,'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call.

A soldier is running from Military Police. He runs up to a nun, and asks, out of breath: "Please... may I hide under your tunic?"

..."I'll explain later."

The nun nods in agreement.

A moment later, two Military Police officers show up and ask:

"Sister, have you seen a soldier here?"

The nun shakes her head. MPs run off, and the soldier crawls out from under her tunic and says, "I can't thank you enough, sister. You see, I don't want to go to Syria. I want to return to my family..."

The nun nods and smiles.

The soldier, relieved, adds jokingly: "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun smiles, and replies in a deep voice "Well lad, if you had looked a bit higher, you would've seen a great pair of balls… guess we're both not going to Syria."

What do you call a Blonde doing a handstand? NSFW

A Brunette with bad breath.

Hair Fragrance

Every day at the office, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "So what's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

What does it mean when your boyfriend is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

A man enters a pet shop...

...and wants to buy a polar bear. The shop assistant takes the man to the bear's cage and says: "The polar bear is absolutely tamed, but whatever you do, don't touch his nose."
The man goes home with his new pet and everything is OK. Until the man can't no longer withstand: "I have to try what happens, when I touch his nose!" So he touches the nose and the polar bear leaps towards him and chases the man throughout the house.
Finally the man runs out of breath and the polar bear catches him. With his paw the bear taps the man's shoulder and says: "You are it!"

A soon-to-be-wed couple are snuggling in bed after sex one night...

...The man suggests that they come clean about any straying that they may have done since they got together.

"It`s best to get this stuff out in the open before the wedding," he explains.

The woman replies, "Oh darling. Don`t you remember? We went through all this a month ago."

The man takes a deep breath and says, "Aah...yes...But that was a month ago..."

So my son came home drunk at 2am.

I said, "excuse me, but you are out past curfew and I distinctly smell beer on your breath." "No dad, I'm sorry I'm home late but I wasn't drinking. My buddies and I were eating froglegs." So I looked at him and said, "I have been around for a while I know what beer smells like." He started to panic and said,"dad you're just smelling the hops."

EDIT : Apostrophe

My girlfriend broke up with me

She thinks that I'm childish. So, I calmed down. Took a deep breath. Went to her house. Rang the doorbell and then ran away.

Always remeber the Alamo

An Englishman,
Frenchman,
Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive "
The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen " and jumps.
The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France " and he also jumps.
This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers
"Remember the Alamo " and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane."

Me to My Neighbour

we get it. you can hold your breath (*looks at watch*) for 19 days. Quit showing off and come out of that pool.

Your hair smells nice.

A man walks up to a woman in his office every day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't take it any longer.
The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, what's wrong with the coworker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies, "He's a midget."

A husband is admitted to the hospital...

He has fallen very ill and his future is unsure. He says to his wife, "honey, if I die, I think you should marry Hank from down the street."

"Hank?" the wife questions, "I thought you hated him?"

With his last breath the husband replies "I do"

Mahatma Gandhi wanted to be a babysitter...

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

Nevertheless, in his final years he decided that he wanted to be a babysitter and sent an application to the Babysitter University. Unfortunately they rejected him, stating that they could not accept an applicant that was "A super calloused fragile mystic vexed with halitosis".

Usain Bolt decides to play some golf

He goes into the clubhouse to get membership and play a round.

The receptionist says 'Sorry sir, we don't allow black people in this club.'

'That's ridiculous. It's 2016 and you don't allow black people in this golf club?'

'Please don't make a scene sir, there's another golf club 5 minutes down the road and they will let you in'

'But I'm Usain Bolt!'

'Its only 2 minutes then'

Credit to /u/Ron_manager who posted this a year or so ago, it's a breath of fresh air compared to the usual Bolt/Hitler one that does the rounds.

Stalin, a secretary, and a general

It's the height of World War II. In a Kremlin briefing room, a leading Russian general has just been given direct orders from Stalin to advance on his front, presumably a suicidal command. Upon leaving, the general mutters under his breath the words "Murderous Mustache".

Stalin's secretary, who is nearby, overhears these words and dashes into the Vozhd's war office. "Comrade Stalin, Comrade Stalin! That General, do you know what he just said! He said murderous mustache!".

Stalin, incensed, calls the general back into his office. "Comrade, I've been told you just said the words "Murderous Mustache". Who were you referring to?"

"The despicable Fascist scum, Adolf Hitler. That was who I was talking about, Comrade Stalin." replies the general in a cool, collected manner.

Stalin turns to his secretary.

"And who did YOU have in mind, Comrade Secretary?"

You Never Learn Nothin'

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out on the water, the boy suddenly became curious about things in general and started asking all sorts of questions. He asked his father, "Why does the boat float? The father replied, "Don't rightly know son."

A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?" Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?" Again, the father repied. "Don't rightly know son."

Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?" The father replied, "Of course not, if you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'."

My friend says his new girlfriend takes his breath away

..but that's because she is inflatable

The MI5 are watching every move I make and breath I take...

It seems it's a sting operation

Are you a cop from New York?

Because you take my breath away.

A father takes a deep breath and says "Son, I think it's time you and I talk about sex."

His son took a deep breath as well "Sure dad, what do you want to know about it?"

My girlfriend takes my breath away.

She's inflatable.

I've invented a new game. You use small breath mints as playing pieces in the old-fashioned match-3-in-a-row game. I'd be happy to teach you my strategy for winning this game, but I'll have to charge you a small fee:

Call it a Tic Tac Tic-Tac-Toe Tactics Tax.

Mahatma Ghandi never wore shoes...

Gandhi never wore shoes, and so his feet were always covered in loads of callouses and blisters. And because he never ate food, he was always very frail. Furthermore his fasting caused him to have horrible breath. So...

I guess you could say he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

A NUN and A SOLDIER (x-post)

A soldier ran up to a nun.
Out of breath he asked,

"Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, "Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the Military Police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister You see, I don't want to go to war to Syria. .

The nun said, "I understand completely."
The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Syria either!

Ghandi

Mahatma Gandhi lived a strange life

Because of his odd diet, he was plagued by a constant case of bad breath. This diet also left him rather thin and frail.

Because he didn't wear shoes, and he walked everywhere, he developed an impressively thick set of calluses on the soles of his feet.

All-in-all, he was a super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis

Breakfast

An angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come stumbling in here at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

Two Mexicans were walking through the desert...

After days without food or water, one of them spot a tree on the horizon.

"Look ese" one of them says. "Is a bacon tree!"

The other Mexican becomes excited, and starts running towards the tree. When he is only a few yards away, a hail of bullets hit him, and he falls to the ground. With his last breath he shouts to his friend.

"Run ese, is no bacon tree. Is a ham-bush"

Use only working piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Note that dirty and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. You can seriously offend people by saying creepy dark humor words to them.

Joko Jokes