The Best 68 Breast Jokes

Following is our collection of funny Breast jokes. There are some breast squeeze jokes no one knows (to tell your friends) and to make you laugh out loud.

Take your time to read those puns and riddles where you ask a question with answers, or where the setup is the punchline. We hope you will find these breast breast feeding puns funny enough to tell and make people laugh.

Top 10 Funniest Breast Jokes and Puns

So an old lady's husband dies...

The old lady depressed and wants to kill herself goes to the doctor and asks him "Where is the heart located?" The doctor tells her it is under the left breast. The old lady goes to the gun store and buys a gun, goes home and puts the gun under her left breast and pulls the trigger. The old lady was soon admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.

The Mathematician and the Waiter

A mathematician and his partner go to a restaurant one Sunday lunchtime. The waiter comes over and takes the mathematician's order: -

'I'd like one chicken breast, 10 roast potatoes, 100 baby carrots and 1,000 peas, please' he requests.

'Why sir!' Exclaimed the waiter. 'That's an order of magnitude!'

So you like limericks, huh?

On the Breast of a woman named Gale

was tattooed the price of her tail

and on her behind

for the sake of the blind

was the same information in braile.

So I just got banned from swimming at my local pool...

Apparently Breast Stroke isn't exactly what I thought it was

jokes about breast

The Chinese government is trying to help working women by providing breast milk couriers...

The couriers take the breast milk from the factory where the mother works to the factory where the baby works.

Grandma went to the hospital saying she felt a lump on her breast...

Turns out it was her belt buckle.

Winston Churchill was dining in fine company, and when asked what piece of chicken he wanted, he requested a breast. A lady upbraided him, saying, "Mr. Churchill, in polite society we ask for white meat or dark."

The next day Churchill sent her a corsage, instructing the lady to affix it to her "white meat."

Breast joke, Winston Churchill was dining in fine company, and when asked what piece of chicken he wanted, he req

A Martini is like a woman's breast...

One is not enough, and three is too many.

As I was walking home I passed a woman with one breast hanging out of her shirt..

So as to spare her any further embarrassment, I quietly pointed out her chestal indiscretion as I passed.

She looks down and screams "OH MY GOD!! I left the baby on the bus!!!"

The road was wet, the moon was high, we were alone, just her and I. The moon was bright, her eyes were too, I knew just what she wanted to do.. So with my courage, I did my best, and placed my hand, upon her breast. I knew she was ready, but I didn't know how..

It was my first time ever, milking a cow.

Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself?

She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

You can explore breast nipple reddit one liners, including funnies and gags. Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean breast enhancement dad jokes. There are also breast puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls.

Getting Drunk

Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.

He says, "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me."

His friend says, "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time, "You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, you're disgusting..."

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."

She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars."

"Ah, yes," says the man. "He peed in my trousers too!!!"

What's the difference in a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants?

Ones a crusty bus station, the others a busty crustacean.

I once met a woman with wooden breast implants

This joke would be funny with a punchline, wouldn't it?

Unshakable Fact # 5

Arguing over a girl's breast size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

An old woman wants to commit suicide...

...by shooting herself in the heart, but she doesn't really know where the heart is.

She goes to the local doctor and asks;

"Doctor, can you please tell me where the heart is?"

"Oh, it's just below your left breast."

So the old woman walked home and shot herself in the knee.

Breast joke, An old woman wants to commit suicide...

Two guys meet up at a high school reunion

They start talking about people from their past.

"Hey, remember that flat chested girl Sam?"

"Oh yea, how she doing?"

"I just saw her like 15 minutes ago and now she's like this" - He holds his hands in front of his chest, fingers curled in.

"Oh, she got breast enlargement?"

"No, she's got severe arthritis"

I'm so sick of people looking at me funny because I choose to breast feed.

If I wanna get my milk straight from the cow, then that's up to me.

My mother never attempted to wean me off of breast feeding. Just cut me off entirely one day...

...as if that first year of college wasn't difficult enough.

I recently received a certificate for the breast stroke.

Although the Judge called it a restraining order.

What does an older woman have between her breast that a younger one doesnt?

Her belly button.

A woman was trying to breastfeed her son in a bus

The kid throws a tantrum and refuses to suck on his mother's breast. So in a fit, the mother tells her son, "If you don't want this milk, I'm gonna give this to the gentleman beside us."

An hour later, the kid still refused to breastfeed. So she tells her son again, "If you won't breastfeed, I'm really gonna give this to this man beside us!"

Then the guy beside them suddenly interrupted, "Please make up your mind now. My stop was 30 minutes ago."

A guy and a girl are in the same programming class..

Out of nowhere, the guy reaches over and grabs the girl's breast.

Disturbed, the girl looks at the guy and says "What are you doing!? Those are private!"

He only states "How is that? We're in the same class."

Breastfeeding in public is natural.

And it strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

Breast cancer awareness has pink ribbons, but what does alcoholism awareness have?

Bruises.

Milkin' it.

I walked into the living room to see my wife breast feeding our son.

Being curious, I asked: "how long are you going to keep doing this, honey? I mean at what age is it too old for him?"

"Well, I think it's necessary to have quality bonding time between mother and child, and usually societal norms dictate this age aught to be ..."

I got impatient again: "Shut up son, i was talking to your mother. "

Breast joke, Milkin' it.

A doctor at work

A doctor's at work and has to sign some papers. He reaches into his breast pocket to get a pen and, to his surprise, pulls out a rectal thermometer instead. "Some asshole's got my pen!", he exclaims.

*Edited on the suggestion of /u/cunt-hooks*

I know The Little Mermaid's breast size.

It's obvious. She's wearing C-shells.

What did the pervert say when he was kicked out of the public pool?

"I was only practicing my breast stroke"

I was so ugly as a baby

when my mum breast fed me, she used to shut her eyes and think of other babies.

I walked into the living room to find my wife breast feeding our son...

"How long do you have to do that for?" I asked. "When is he going to be too old for it?"

"Well, it's a physical bond between a mother and her child isn't it? It's only society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age."

I replied, "Shut up, Harry. I was talking to your mother."

An old lady, after a long life of loss and agony, was going to commit suicide by shooting herself in the heart with a crossbow. She researched human anatomy and learned her heart was just under her left breast.....

She was just admitted to the ER with an arrow to the knee.

A husband hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years

Hitman: I will shoot her just below her left breast.
Husband: How is shooting her in the knee going to kill her?

I was breastfed until 3

But enough about my day

Q: What do you call the cleavage between breast implants?

A: Silicon Valley

I got kicked out of the swimming pool today.

Apparently the breast stroke isn't what I thought it was.

A man is sitting next to woman on a bus

The woman is trying to breastfeed, but the baby refuses to suck on her breast. She warns her child, if you don't start sucking, I'm going to give it to the man next to me , but the baby still refuses.

After 20 minutes, the woman repeats the threat several times to no avail. The man finally clears his throat and says, look here lady, you need to make up your mind, I was supposed to get off 6 bus stops ago!

Yesterday, my wife told me she has breast cancer

Honey, she said, there's a couple things I need to get off my chest.

How do you know which swimmer is the sex offender?

It's the breast stroker

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.

Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...

Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

Why did the pastor go to KFC?

To grab some breast.

My wife got mad after telling this story.

You can make yours mad too. And this is the story:

I got on this bus on my way home from work. I noticed this young boy and girl on the far end. First it was the usual kissing. Then the girl got touchy, what baffles me is it seems to be normal to others. Then the unthinkable happened, the girl pulled her shirt up and showed a breast. The boy sucked it immediately. I can tell, the girl's on her early 20's. The boy? Around 6 months.

Breast Feeding

A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"

A single father needed breast milk for his infant baby and so he asked others how he could get it.

A colleague of his who was lactating offered to give her milk to the baby.

She became his breast friend.

I met a guy who could remember every breast he'd ever seen

He had photographic mammary

What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a crab with breast implants?

One is a Crusty Bus Station and the other is a busty crustacean

What do your girlfriend and KFC have in common?

Once you're done with the thighs and the breast, all you have is a greasy box to put your bone.

Grandma found a lump under her left breast but the Dr said it's ok.

It was just her kneecap.

After seeing my new tattoo, my angered wife retaliated by getting a breast reduction...

tit for tat.

My grandma had a scare when she felt a lump under her breast

Turns out it was just her knee cap

A 90 year old woman decided to commit suicide.

She wanted to shoot herself in the heart but she wasn't sure exactly where it was located on her body so she called the doctor and asked where her heart was. He told her it was directly under her left breast. So she shot her kneecap off.

A husband tells his wife that he met a girl with 12 breasts.

Husband: I met a girl with 12 breast.

Wife : That sounds strange.

Husband: Dozentit.

During a biology exam a student has to list three pros of breast milk.

He's unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

- Contains all the nutrients a baby needs,

- Doesn't need heating,

But he still needs one more. And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

- Has great packaging.

Today a woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

When I got face to face with the woman, I said, "Miss, are you aware that you could be cited for indecent exposure?"

"Why?" the woman asked.

"Well," I said, "Your right breast is hanging out of your blouse."

The woman quickly looked down and screamed, "Oh my God! I left my baby on the bus!"

I was fairly confident that the German prostitute was actually a man, but I hired them anyway in case I was wrong.

I was hoping for the breast but expecting the wurst.

iBoob

Apple announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Always wondered about using oak instead of silicon for breast implants

Be a lot firmer, wooden tit?

A blonde is in a swimming competition.

She comes in dead last in the 100m breast stroke. After she climbs out of the pool, she walks over to the referee.

"I don't want to sound like a whiner," she says, "but I think the other swimmers were using their arms."

I wish my girlfriend wasn't so obsessed about her breast size. Even a trip to the car dealership became embarrassing.

She told the guy she wanted something that'll get her from A to B.

my pregnant wife was feeling sensitive about her enlarged breast due to lactation, so I gave her a cute nickname to cheer her up.

Apparently Dairy Queen wasn't the right choice.

Me and my wife came to an agreement. She would let me get a tattoo if I let her get a breast augmentation

Tit for tat you could say

3 Irish men in a pub…

… called Mick, Pat and Tat. The barman says "Are you all related?"

Mick said "Yeah we're triplets!"

Barman said "Triplets!, how come you and Pat are 6ft tall and Tat is only 4ft tall?",

"Well!" said Mick "Me and Pat were
breast fed so there was no tit for Tat!

Cows milk doesn't just come from one breast

They have udders

Newborn baby's first meal

My newborn son is having trouble with breast feeding. For some reason we can't get him to latch on. The lactation specialist, midwife, nurses and doctors have tried everything to help. We're frustrated the baby is hungry so I'm going to give up and let my wife try.

I was breastfed til 3

But, that's enough about my day, how was yours?

My wife said she'd like us to save money for her to get breast implants

I told her, Why? All you need to do is rub some toilet paper between your breasts every day.

She said, What the hell is that going to do?

I said, I don't know but it seems to have worked wonders on your ass.

Breasts are like the sun

If you wear sunglasses you can stare at them longer.
(I don't know if this has already been posted here before, sorry if it has)

Kelly hobbled in to the bar on a crutch with one arm in a cast.

My god! What happened to you?" the bartender asked.

I got in a tiff with Riley.

Riley? He's just a wee fellow" the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand.

That he did" Kelly said, A shovel it was.

Dear Lord. Didn't you have anything in your hand?"

Aye, that I did….Mrs. Riley's right breast" Kelly said. "And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight.

Just think that there are jokes based on truth that can bring down governments, or jokes which make girl laugh. Many of the breast hooters puns are supposed to be funny, but some can be offensive. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate.

We suggest to use only working breast women with big breasts piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Some of the dirty witze and dark jokes are funny, but use them with caution in real life. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh.

Joko Jokes