Breast Jokes

What are some Breast jokes?

What's the difference in a dirty bus station and a lobster with breast implants?

Ones a crusty bus station, the others a busty crustacean.

So you like limericks, huh?

On the Breast of a woman named Gale

was tattooed the price of her tail

and on her behind

for the sake of the blind

was the same information in braile.

I was breastfed until 3

But enough about my day

Breast Feeding

A man is sitting next to a woman who is trying to breast feed her baby on the bus. The baby refuses to eat and the mother warns, "If you don't eat I'll give it to the man next to me." The baby refuses. After 20 mins the mother repeats the threat. The man clears his throat and says, "Hey woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off the bus 6 stops ago!"

A guy and a girl are in the same programming class..

Out of nowhere, the guy reaches over and grabs the girl's breast.

Disturbed, the girl looks at the guy and says "What are you doing!? Those are private!"

He only states "How is that? We're in the same class."

Yesterday, my wife told me she has breast cancer

Honey, she said, there's a couple things I need to get off my chest.

I walked into the living room to find my wife breast feeding our son...

"How long do you have to do that for?" I asked. "When is he going to be too old for it?"

"Well, it's a physical bond between a mother and her child isn't it? It's only society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age."

I replied, "Shut up, Harry. I was talking to your mother."

So an old lady's husband dies...

The old lady depressed and wants to kill herself goes to the doctor and asks him "Where is the heart located?" The doctor tells her it is under the left breast. The old lady goes to the gun store and buys a gun, goes home and puts the gun under her left breast and pulls the trigger. The old lady was soon admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to her left knee.

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.

Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...

Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

Did you hear about the 80 year old woman that tried to kill herself?

She was told that the most effective way would be to shoot herself through the heart, just below her left breast... She woke up in hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

An old woman wants to commit suicide...

...by shooting herself in the heart, but she doesn't really know where the heart is.

She goes to the local doctor and asks;

"Doctor, can you please tell me where the heart is?"

"Oh, it's just below your left breast."

So the old woman walked home and shot herself in the knee.

Winston Churchill was dining in fine company, and when asked what piece of chicken he wanted, he requested a breast. A lady upbraided him, saying, "Mr. Churchill, in polite society we ask for white meat or dark."

The next day Churchill sent her a corsage, instructing the lady to affix it to her "white meat."

Unshakable Fact # 5

Arguing over a girl's breast size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

I got kicked out of the swimming pool today.

Apparently the breast stroke isn't what I thought it was.

The Mathematician and the Waiter

A mathematician and his partner go to a restaurant one Sunday lunchtime. The waiter comes over and takes the mathematician's order: -

'I'd like one chicken breast, 10 roast potatoes, 100 baby carrots and 1,000 peas, please' he requests.

'Why sir!' Exclaimed the waiter. 'That's an order of magnitude!'

What does an older woman have between her breast that a younger one doesnt?

Her belly button.

The Chinese government is trying to help working women by providing breast milk couriers...

The couriers take the breast milk from the factory where the mother works to the factory where the baby works.

As I was walking home I passed a woman with one breast hanging out of her shirt..

So as to spare her any further embarrassment, I quietly pointed out her chestal indiscretion as I passed.

She looks down and screams "OH MY GOD!! I left the baby on the bus!!!"

A husband hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years

Hitman: I will shoot her just below her left breast.
Husband: How is shooting her in the knee going to kill her?

A man is sitting next to woman on a bus

The woman is trying to breastfeed, but the baby refuses to suck on her breast. She warns her child, if you don't start sucking, I'm going to give it to the man next to me , but the baby still refuses.

After 20 minutes, the woman repeats the threat several times to no avail. The man finally clears his throat and says, look here lady, you need to make up your mind, I was supposed to get off 6 bus stops ago!

Breastfeeding in public is natural.

And it strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

Getting Drunk

Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.

He says, "Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me."

His friend says, "Don't worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time, "You reek of alcohol and you've thrown up all over yourself, you're disgusting..."

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, "Wait. It's not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He'd obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn't hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket."

She looks in his breast pocket and says, "But this is forty dollars."

"Ah, yes," says the man. "He peed in my trousers too!!!"

I know The Little Mermaid's breast size.

It's obvious. She's wearing C-shells.

Grandma went to the hospital saying she felt a lump on her breast...

Turns out it was her belt buckle.

Sandy, an older women in her fifties, has a near death experience...

...later, on the operating table. She sees God who tells her not to worry she has at least another thirty years to live.


Sandy decides she's anyway in the hospital and she had another thirty years to live, she should make the most of it. She has plastic surgery on her face, Botox and breast augmentation. A few week later she's crossing the street and gets hit by a car and is killed.

She comes up to heaven and sees God. I don't understand, she says to God You said I had another thirty years?


God answers her, I didn't recognize you.

A blond, a brunette and a redhead . . .

were in a breast stroke competition to cross the English Channel. They all dove in together on the shores of the UK. Across the Channel on the shores of France, the judges and media waited patiently.
After a few hours the redhead emerged from the waters to hearty cheers. About a half hour later, the brunette emerged to polite applause. But where was the blond?
They waited and waited. The sun was starting to set when the blond came out of the water, nearly dead from exhaustion. The few newsmen that remained rushed to her and asked if she had anything to say.
"Yes!" she gasped. "I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think that brunette and redhead were using their arms!"

An 85 year old woman was mourning her husband's death.

She decided to commit suicide.

So she thinks about it, wondering "how do you kill an 85 year old woman?", and she comes to the conclusion that she would shoot herself with her husband's gun.

She pondered,"where would you shoot an 85 year old woman?" And she realized, "in the heart".

So, not being very educated, she calls her doctor asking where an 85 year old woman's heart is located. He said,"behind the left breast"

The next day, the woman calls her son from the hospital, where she was recovering from a bullet in her left knee.

A doctor at work

A doctor's at work and has to sign some papers. He reaches into his breast pocket to get a pen and, to his surprise, pulls out a rectal thermometer instead. "Some asshole's got my pen!", he exclaims.

*Edited on the suggestion of /u/cunt-hooks*

Red head goes to doctors office..

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

My wife got mad after telling this story.

You can make yours mad too. And this is the story:


I got on this bus on my way home from work. I noticed this young boy and girl on the far end. First it was the usual kissing. Then the girl got touchy, what baffles me is it seems to be normal to others. Then the unthinkable happened, the girl pulled her shirt up and showed a breast. The boy sucked it immediately. I can tell, the girl's on her early 20's. The boy? Around 6 months.

After a bad day on the course, a golfer goes to an old golf pro for some advice...

The old golf pro watches a few swings and the golfer says, "Well, what should I do?"

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

The golfer went back out to the links. He took the old man's advice on his first swing and POW, he hits the ball 250 yards straight down the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the afternoon, the golfer is crushing tee drives right down the center.

The ecstatic man goes back home and tells his wife all about the new technique he learned. Now the wife, being an avid golfer, want's to talk to the old golf pro, as well.

The next day, the wife also asks the old golf pro for advice. The old golf pro watched her swing and says, "No, no, no. You're gripping the club way too hard".

"What should I do?" asked the wife. "Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's manhood", said the old pro.

The wife listened carefully to the pro's advice, took a swing and THUMP... The ball skipped off of the tee box and rolled about 15 feet down the fairway.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected!" the old pro said. "Now, take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your hands."

A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse."

But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out her blouse.

When the officer got face to face with the woman, he said, "Miss, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

"Why, officer?" the woman asked.

"Well," said the officer, "Your right breast is hanging out of your blouse."

The woman quickly looked down and screamed, "Oh my God! I left my baby on the bus!"

Q: What do you call the cleavage between breast implants?

A: Silicon Valley

Two guys meet up at a high school reunion

They start talking about people from their past.

"Hey, remember that flat chested girl Sam?"

"Oh yea, how she doing?"

"I just saw her like 15 minutes ago and now she's like this" - He holds his hands in front of his chest, fingers curled in.

"Oh, she got breast enlargement?"

"No, she's got severe arthritis"

Ouch!

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhea...d took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

A single father needed breast milk for his infant baby and so he asked others how he could get it.

A colleague of his who was lactating offered to give her milk to the baby.

She became his breast friend.

A man comes home...

To find his wife sitting seductively on the couch in sexy lingerie. She looks at him coyly and asks, "Have you ever seen a dollar all crumpled up?"

The man replies, "No..."

His wife reaches near her breast and pulls out a crumpled up $1 bill. She then asks him, "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?"

"Not that I'm aware of." Says the man with a puzzled look on his face.

His wife pulls a $50 bill out of her garter, crumples it up, and throws it at his feet.

She then asks him, "Have you ever seen *fifty thousand dollars* all crumpled up?

"I'm certain that's something I've never seen." Her husband says with confidence.

His wife says, "Go look in the garage, I wrecked the car"

I recently received a certificate for the breast stroke.

Although the Judge called it a restraining order.

On a bus one day.....

.....a man was sitting next to a woman who was trying to breast-feed her child. The child however refuses to suck on the breast.

Being frustrated, the mother threatens the child, "If you don't suck on, I will give it to the man next to us!" The child still refuses to oblige. After about 10 minutes of failed effort to get her child to breastfeed, the woman threatens her child again.

Finally the man clears his throat and says, "Look here woman, you better make up your mind. I was supposed to get off 6 stops ago!"

I'm so sick of people looking at me funny because I choose to breast feed.

If I wanna get my milk straight from the cow, then that's up to me.

Breast cancer awareness has pink ribbons, but what does alcoholism awareness have?

Bruises.

I once met a woman with wooden breast implants

This joke would be funny with a punchline, wouldn't it?

A story about my first time

The sky was dark

The moon was high

All alone just she and I.

Her hair was soft

Her eyes were blue

I knew just what she wanted to do.

Her skin so soft

Her legs so fine

I ran my fingers down her spine.

I didn't know how

But I tried my best

I started by placing my hands on her breast.

I remember my fear my fast beating heart

But slowly she spread her legs apart

And when I did it I felt no shame.

All at once the white stuff came

At last it's finished it's all over now

My first time ever at milking a cow...

I hate to be a bad loser

A blonde, a red head and a brunette were competing in the Huron River Breast Stroke Championships. The redhead won and the brunette came in second. However, there was no sign of the final contestant. Hours and hours went by causing grave concern and worry. Just as everyone was losing hope, the blonde finally arrived. The crowd was extremely happy and relieved to see her. They embraced the young girl as she came ashore. After all of the excitement died down, she leaned over to the judge and whispered, "I hate to be a bad loser, but I think those other girls used their arms."

What did the pervert say when he was kicked out of the public pool?

"I was only practicing my breast stroke"

Why did the pastor go to KFC?

To grab some breast.

The sky was blue, the moon was high, we were together, just her and I...

The sky was blue, the moon was high, we were together, just her and I.

Her hair was brown, her eyes baby blue, I knew exactly what she wanted to do.

And so, with courage, I did my best and laid my hand upon her breast.

Her face was light, her body fine, I ran my finger down her spine.

I trembled in shock, I felt her heart, slowly she spread her legs apart.

I knew she was ready... but I didn't know how, for this was my first experience at milking a cow.

How do you know which swimmer is the sex offender?

It's the breast stroker

An old lady, after a long life of loss and agony, was going to commit suicide by shooting herself in the heart with a crossbow. She researched human anatomy and learned her heart was just under her left breast.....

She was just admitted to the ER with an arrow to the knee.

My mother never attempted to wean me off of breast feeding. Just cut me off entirely one day...

...as if that first year of college wasn't difficult enough.

So I just got banned from swimming at my local pool...

Apparently Breast Stroke isn't exactly what I thought it was

I was so ugly as a baby

when my mum breast fed me, she used to shut her eyes and think of other babies.

Milkin' it.

I walked into the living room to see my wife breast feeding our son.

Being curious, I asked: "how long are you going to keep doing this, honey? I mean at what age is it too old for him?"

"Well, I think it's necessary to have quality bonding time between mother and child, and usually societal norms dictate this age aught to be ..."

I got impatient again: "Shut up son, i was talking to your mother. "

The road was wet, the moon was high, we were alone, just her and I. The moon was bright, her eyes were too, I knew just what she wanted to do.. So with my courage, I did my best, and placed my hand, upon her breast. I knew she was ready, but I didn't know how..

It was my first time ever, milking a cow.

Did you hear about the lady that had breast implants made of oak?

It would be nice if this joke had a punch line, woodentit?

A Martini is like a woman's breast...

One is not enough, and three is too many.

An old woman's husband dies

She wants to kill herself but she can't find her heart so she goes to the doctor and asks him, "Doctor where is my heart?" The doctor says, "Right behind your left breast." She goes home gets naked and shoots herself in the knee.

Difference between Port Authority and a lobster with breast implants?

One's a crusty bus station...

The other's a busty crustacean!

A farmer is sitting in bed with his wife

He reaches over and playfully squeezes her breast and says you know, if we could get these to work, we could get rid of the milking cow
She reaches down between his legs and says yes, and if you could get this to work, we could get rid of the farm hand .

What do you call synthetic breast cleavage?

Silicone valley

What does a woman and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?

When you're done with the breast and thighs, the only thing left is a greasy box to put your bone in

What do a good woman and KFC have in common?

After nibbling the breast and thighs there's a greasy box to put your bone in.

A woman is suicidally depressed

She's quite obese, unattractive, and lonely. Life having dealt her a bad hand, she buys a pistol and resolves to end her own life.

Wanting it to be quick, she calls her doctor to ask him where the heart is.

"It's right under the left breast", he replies.

So she hangs up, takes a deep breath, and shoots herself in the knee.

I was never breastfed as a child

My mother said she likes me as a friend

A brunette's pain

A distressed brunette tells her doctor that no matter where she touches her body, she feels horrible pain. The doctor asks her to demonstrate. She proceeds to touch her chin, which results in a whimper. She touches her breast, and she starts to cry. She touches her leg and she lets out a scream.

"Stop," he says, " I believe I know what ails you. But first I must ask, are you naturally a blonde?"

"Why yes I am," she says, "how did you know?"

"You have a broken finger"

I went hunting today and caught a breast

I used a booby trap

An old woman calls her doctor.

She said she is tired of living and want to know the best way to kill herself. The doctor says, " Im sorry ma'm but i cant help you kill yourself!" The old woman tells him, "Fine, i will just jump off of a building then." The doctor didn't want that, so he said "Very well. Lay down in your bed and shoot yourself two inches below your left breast." So, the woman called all of her loved ones one last time, got her husbands old shotgun, lied down in bed, and blew her left kneecap off.

How to make Breast jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Breast to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Breast? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Breast pick up lines to share with friends.

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