Breakfast Jokes

Humoristic puns and funny pick up lines

I'm assuming that none of the Jenners ask Kylie to make breakfast.

Since she can't even beat an egg

A man wakes up after a heavy night of drinking to his wife happily cooking breakfast.

Confused, he approaches his daughter for an explanation of last night when he arrived home.
"You kicked in the door when you couldn't get your key in the lock, fell through the table and broke it, and pissed your pants."
"Jesus! So then why the hell is she in such a good mood?"
"When she tried to take your pants off to wash them, you slapped her hand away and said, 'Get your hands off me! I'm married!'"

Every morning at breakfast for the past 6 months, I announce loudly to my family that I'm going for a jog, and then I don't.

It's my longest running joke of the year.

My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday

I accidentally said: "Fuck you Helen you ruined my fucking life"

At breakfast, a man asked his wife What would you do I if won the lottery? She replied, I'd take half, and then leave you.

Great, he said I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch.

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

A piece of toast and a hard boiled egg walked into a bar.....

The bartender says " Sorry, we don't serve breakfast here".

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Snowflakes.

Cr

Two Muslim families move from Afghanistan to the US....

The fathers in each family make a bet to see who could be more Americanized after one year.

They meet a year later and the first father says, "I just took my son to baseball practice, had McDonalds for breakfast and I've racked up more debt than I'll ever be able to pay off."

The second father says, "fuck you, raghead".

If I bring you breakfast in bed, just say, "Thanks."

Not "Who are you?" and "How did you get in my apartment?"

Mother's Day

Two children ordered their mother to stay in bed one Mother's Day morning. As she lay there looking forward to breakfast in bed, the smell of bacon floated up from the kitchen.

But after a good long wait she finally went downstairs to investigate. She found them both sitting at the table eating bacon and eggs.

"As a surprise for Mother's Day," one explained, "we decided to cook our own breakfast."

A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...

after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.

"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.

"Yes there is," he replies.
"I would like some breakfast"

Man arrives home at 7 a.m, with a heavy stench of whisky.

Wife: You bastard! I hope you have a damn good reason for coming home at 7 in the morning.

Husband: Of course I do.

Wife: Do tell!

Husband: Breakfast.

A guy wakes up, still hungover from the last night...

He notices his wife is being super nice to him - she makes him breakfast in bed, asks him if he needs anything, hums to herself happily.

Confused, he asks his kid: "Psst, hey, what's going on?".

The kid says: "Well, last night you came home drunk as a skunk, kicked the dog, vomited on the carpet, and pissed in the flower pot. And when mom tried to take off your clothes to put you to bed, you said - leave me alone bitch, I'm married!"

My wife is deathly afraid of snakes so I got her last year by placing a rubber Copperhead in her glove compartment.

She nearly shit herself! Sadly, she finally got me back today and I must admit it was pretty crafty.

She knows that every morning I have a bagel with cream cheese for breakfast so last night before she went to sleep she fucked my brother and emptied my bank account.

The first time I introduced a girlfriend to my grandpa.

"What's your name again?"

"Claudia."

"Oh *Claudia*. I'm sorry my dear, I won't forget it again. Claudia may I ask you something?"

"Sure."

"Do you know the difference between sex and breakfast?"

"...Um, no.?"

"Would you like to have breakfast sometime?"

What do people with huge penises eat for breakfast?

Well, I had toast.

Two men on a train both have black eyes.

Man 1: "how did you get that black eye?"

Man 2: "I was buying my ticket from this beautiful busty girl and instead of saying 'a ticket to Pittsburgh' I accidentally said I wanted 'a picket to Tittsburgh' so she hit me. How about you?"

Man 1: "Yeah, something similar happened to me. I was sitting around having breakfast with my wife and I meant to say 'pass the wheaties' and I accidentally said 'you ruined my life you stupid bitch'."

Two families make a bet on who can be more american

Two families move from Pakistan to America. When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see, in a years time, which family has become more Americanized.

A Year later they meet again. The first man says,"My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds and im on my way to pick up a case of Bud Light.

How about you?"

The second man replies, "Go back to your sand country, towel head"

I am a man who loves to give women breakfast in bed. All I want to receive in return is a simple "Thank you!"...

...not "Who are you?", "How did you get in here?", and "I'll call the police!"

If I go through the trouble of making you breakfast in bed, all I ask for is a simple thank you.

Not all this "how did you get in my house" nonsense.

If I make you breakfast in bed, all I need is a simple thank you

Not all this "how the hell did you get in my house" and "I'm calling the cops" business

Why do the French only have one egg for breakfast?

Because one egg is un oeuf.

Bacon, Eggs, and Toast walk into a bar. . .

The bartender yells, "Get the hell out of here! We don't serve breakfast!"

2 older couple were having breakfast

Old man 1: We went to the best restaurant last night
Old man 2: What's it's name?
Old man 1: Oh, I have such a terrible memory. What's that red flower?
Old man 2: Carnation?
Old man 1: No, the one with the thorns.
Old man 2: Rose?
Old man 1: That's it. (turns to his wife) Hey Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

I used to have a girlfriend who, whenever she had a bad headache, would go into the cupboard, find my oats I'd normally eat for breakfast and then throw them in the garbage.

Apparently she couldn't cope with my grains.

Woman sends her husband to the doctor, because he has erectile problems

He comes home with a bottle of pills. Wife asks, "so, did he give you Viagra, or Cialis?"

Guy says, "Neither, he gave me really strong diet pills."

Wife says, "that's weird, why would you have to take diet pills?"

Handing her the bottle, the man says, "They're not for me. You take one at breakfast and one at bedtime."

What does a guy with a big penis have for breakfast?

Well, I had eggs for breakfast.

When I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you would suffice,

Not this "Who the fuck are you, and what are you doing in my house?!" nonsense.

Bacon and eggs walk into a bar and order a beer

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast"

What are two things dinosaurs can't have for dinner?

Breakfast and lunch.


I'll show myself out now

Dad at breakfast:

Dad at breakfast: I'll have bacon and eggs, please

Waiter: How do you like your eggs?

Dad: I don't know, I haven't gotten them yet!

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" would be nice...

...None of that "How did you get into my house?" business.

Two kids decided they were gonna start cussing

The older one says I'll say hell, you say ass.
They practice a little then go down for breakfast.

Mom asks what they want, first one says "ah hell, gimme cheerios"

Mom heard this and wack! Smacked across the face and sent to his room.

Then she asks the younger one what he wanted to eat. He replied, "you can bet your ass i don't want cheerios"

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple thank you is all I need...

Not all this, "How the fuck did you get in my house?!" nonsense.

I wish people would be more appreciative of me making them breakfast in bed.

None of this who the fuck are you and get out of my house nonsense

A pancake, a piece of toast, and a piece of bacon walk into a bar

They sit down and ask the bartender for a round of beers. The bartender looks at them and says "Get the hell out of my bar, we don't serve breakfast here."

Muslims are a lot like breakfast eggs.

If they aren't Sunni side up, they're probably Shiite.

Guy wakes up to breakfast in bed...

his lunch is made, and he notices he's late for work. Frantically, he calls work, and they let him know that his wife already called to let them know he would be late.

He asks his son what happened that his mom was so happy. The son says "Dad, you came home drunk last night, and mom brought you to bed, and when she tried to take your shirt off, you said 'Get off me lady, I'm married!"

Husband's night out

An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.

"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "That there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you."

"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."

What does a man with a 12 inch penis have for breakfast?

this morning I had bacon and eggs.

I woke up to find my wife lying unconscious on the kitchen floor..

At first I panicked, then remembered that McDonalds does all day breakfast.

What does a man with a tiny penis have for breakfast?

Well this morning I had a PopTart, 2 eggs and a glass of orange juice.

My wife told me

That women are better in multitasking than men.

I told her to shut up and make me a breakfast.

Obviously she didn't manage.

What do grouchy people eat for breakfast?

Fucking corn flakes

Two atheists were lost in a desert.

Two atheists were lost in a desert. They had run out of supplies and were wandering aimlessly.

One morning, they encountered a Muslim. The Muslim asked, "What are your names?"

The first, figuring the Muslim would be more likely to help a fellow Muslim, lied and said, "My name is Mohammed."

The second stayed honest and said, "My name is Dave."

The Muslim gave Dave a hearty breakfast. He turned to "Mohammed" and said, "Fasting is so hard, isn't it?"

What does a man with a big d*ck eat for breakfast?

Yeah, I didn't think you'd know...

A dad is making his young daughter some toast for breakfast

He butters it, and decides to put some honey on, too. The little girl never had it before, but she liked it - and asked her dad what it was.

He says, "I'll give you a hint - it's what your mother calls me all the time."

Just then, the wife walks in, and the little girl exclaims to her, "Mom! We're eating toast with Asshole!"

Sell my stuff

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other wanker using my stuff."

She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another wanker?"

What's a North Korean farmer's favorite time of year?

Breakfast.

Tea?


An American, an Englishman and an Irishman were having breakfast together with their wives.

The American suddenly smiled and turned to his wife saying: "Would you please pass me the honey, Honey."

The Englishman, not to be outdone, turned to his wife and said: "Please pass me the sugar, Sugar."

The Irishman paused a while, then turned to his wife and said: "Pass me the tea, Bag."

What do guys with big dicks eat for breakfast?

Didn't think you'd know.

What does the most interesting man in the world eat for breakfast?

Dos Eggies

I went to a hotel that had continental breakfast

Unfortunately the continent was Africa so all I got was an empty plate

What does a cannibal call a gymnast?

A well balanced breakfast.

There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast.

On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"

Two eggs and a piece of bacon walk into a bar

The bartender asks them to leave. They all ask why. Bartender says, "We don't serve breakfast here."

I wonder if mormons support the transgendered?

If they did, they could go on a transmission!

-- authentic dadjoke overheard at breakfast

Do you know why Parisians only have a single egg for breakfast?

Because in France one egg is un Ε“uf.

Two eggs and a strip of bacon walk into a bar

The bartender looks at them and says, "Sorry - we don't serve breakfast here."

A 7 year old and 4 year old are in their bedroom....

"You know what" says the 7 year old. "I think it's time we started swearing. When we go down for breakfast I'll swear first, then you."

"OK" says the 4 year old.

They go downstairs and the mom asks what they'd like for breakfast.

"I'll have Coco pops bitch!"

WHACK! He flew out of his chair bawling his eyes out.

The mom looked at the 4 year old and sternly said "And what do you want?"

"Don't know, but it won't be fucking Coco pops"

What does Hitler drink with his breakfast?

Milk because he doesn't like juice

The wife

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.Β 


As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment! Β 


My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day! Β 


Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.Β 


Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.Β 


Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"Β 


She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

Pancakes!

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel
appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a
large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied. 'The rest are for your father.'

Egg timer

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.Β 


As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment! Β 


My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day! Β 


Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.Β 


Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.Β 


Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"Β 


She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

What does Salvador Dahli eat for breakfast?

Surreal.

The hangover

A guy wakes up with a horrible hangover after a bender. Can barely open his eyes. Head pounding. Stomach churning.

He looks around, and with some relief realizes that he's at home, in his bed. There's a glass of water and two aspirins on his night stand, along with a note from his wife: Darling, breakfast is on the table, I ran out to the store. Eternally yours, your loving wife .

The guy is more confused than ever. He takes the aspirin and walks out to the living room. The house is spotless. There's fresh flowers in the vase, and his son is quietly watching morning cartoons.

-Son, what happened last night?

-Well dad, you came home drunk, puked in the hallway, peed in the kitchen sink, started singing, and broke a few dishes.

-What happened with mommy?

-Oh, that's what you're asking about? When she tried to get you to bed and started pulling off your pants, you yelled fuck off bitch, I'm MARRIED!

Freudian Slip

Two guys were talking when one said "Man, I was at the train station the other day and had a Freudian slip. It was so embarrassing. I wanted a ticket to Pittsburgh, but the woman had such big, nice breasts, I asked for a ticket to Titsburgh!"

The other guy replied, "That's nothing. This morning I was eating breakfast with my wife and instead of asking her to pass the orange juice, i said, 'Bitch, you ruined my life and I hate you!!'"

A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom...

'I think it's about time we started swearing', says the 7 year old. 'When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you swear after me, ok?'

'Ok' the 4 year old, agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast - 'Oh, shit Mom, I don't know, I suppose I'll have some Coco Pops bitch'

WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor, got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.

She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?'

'I don't know, but it sure as shit won't be fucking Coco Pops'.


Kinda old but i only just heard this one, gold.

A boy and his father are playing catch

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the
boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.


"That was a honey bee," his father said,"one of our friends, and for
stomping him you will do without honey for a week."


Later the boy saw a butterfly so he ran over and stomped it.
"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for
stomping him you will do without butter for a week."


The next morning the family had sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast (no honey or butter.)


Suddenly a cockroach ran from under the stove. His mother stomped it.


The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her or
should I"?

At the deer lease

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the ass and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

At the breakfast table the next morning the husband put his head in his hands and groaned loudly. Oh bloody hell, what a party last night, I can't remember a thing about it. Did I make a prat of myself?

You sure did, replied his wife. You put your hand up the skirt of your boss's wife and told your boss to piss off.

Shit! What happened?

He sacked you.

Well, fuck him, the bastard.

I did, replied the wife, and you've got your job back.

Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye.

The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: Dear, breakfast is made. I've gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!

He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there's breakfast. Joe, he says to his son, what happened last night?

You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair.

So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?

Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'

A doctor and his wife were having a huge argument at breakfast...

"Yeah?, well you aren't so good in bed either!" The doctor shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and call home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
"What took you so long to answer?" He said
"I was in bed." came the reply.
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."

Snow wife.

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.

Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"



With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Priest and a Hindu are making breakfast..

The priest is spreading on margarine and exclaims, "Look! It's Jesus in the spread!"
Shocked, the Hindu replies, "Wow, I can't believe it's not Buddha."

when the boys started to swear...

There are two brothers, aged four and six.

The six year old says "You know, it's about time we started to swear."

The four year old says "OK."

The six year old says "From now on I'll say 'HELL' and you say 'ASS.'

"The four year old says "OK."

So they go downstairs and their mother says
"What would you boys like for breakfast?
"The six year old says "Oh what the hell, I'll have corn flakes."

WHACK!

The kid goes flying across the room.

The mother turns to the four year old and asks "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"

The four year old says

"I don't know, but you can bet your ass it's not corn flakes."

A boy goes to the circus

and one of the sideshows is a tent that says "Man Who Remembers Everything." Intrigued, the boy goes inside and sees an old Native American man sitting on the ground. He approaches the man and asks, "If you remember everything, what did you have for breakfast exactly three weeks ago?"

Without hesitation, the man responds, "Eggs." The boy is sufficiently impressed and leaves to enjoy the rest of the circus.

Many years later, the boy has grown up, gotten married, and had children. One day he takes his family to the circus and is shocked to see the Man Who Remembers Everything is still there. He brings his family into the tent, and there is the same old man sitting on the ground.

Excited to see the old man again, he walks up and greets him, "How!"

The old man looks into his eyes and replies, "Scrambled."

Life lesson

One day a little boy woke up and sat down at the table expecting breakfast. However, his mother says, "You don't get any breakfast until you do your chores."

A little pissed off, the boy goes out to do his chores. When he goes to milk the cow, he kicks it. When he goes to get eggs he kicks a chicken, and when he goes to feed the pigs, he kicks a pig.

When the little boy sits down his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "Where is the bacon, eggs and milk?" asks the little boy. His mother replies, "I saw you kick the cow, so you don't get any milk; I saw you kick a chicken so you don't get eggs; and I saw you kick a pig so you don't get any bacon!"

Just as she finishes saying this, the boy's father comes down the stairs and kicks the cat. The little boy looks up at his mother and asks, "Do you want to tell him, or should I?"

Cemetery

A priest goes for a walk in the cemetery before breakfast and sees a man crouching by a tombstone.
The priest says to the man "Morning!" He replies "No actually, I'm taking a shit!"

It's 2004 and George W Bush is on the campaign trail...

He stops at a small-town midwest diner for breakfast. After taking a seat he is greeted by a pretty young waitress.

"Mr president, what an honor it is to be serving you. So what will you be having this morning?"

Dubya looks up from his menu, smiles, and says "How about a quickie?"

The waitress is appalled. "Mr president! I voted for you because I thought you stood for morals! And family values! I guess you're no better than Clinton."

After she storms off, one of the president's advisors leans over and says "Hey, uh, George, it's pronounced *keesh*."

What are the funniest breakfast jokes of all time?

Did you ever wanted to stand out with a good sense of humour joking about Breakfast? Well, here are the best Breakfast puns to laugh out loud. Crazy and funny Breakfast pick up lines to share with friends.

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