Break Jokes

What are some Break jokes?

Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition he gets to install windows.


How do you break up two blind guys fighting?

Yell, "My money's on the guy with the knife!"

At breakfast, a man asked his wife What would you do I if won the lottery? She replied, I'd take half, and then leave you.

Great, he said I won $12 yesterday. Here's $6. Stay in touch.

i went to the liquor store on my bike.

i went to the liquor store on my bike and bought a bottle vodka and put it in the basket on the front...then it occoured to me that if i fall or something happens then the bottle might break. so i drank it all right there and its a good thing i did cause i fell 7 times on the way home

apparently this was posted before...i had no idea. a friend sent me a voice recording of someone telling it and i posted it ..sorry

My buddy just came to me all depressed and said My son flunked the third grade, and I just don't know how to break it to him.

So I said well…probably better tell him pretty slowly, so the little dumbass will get it."

In breaking news, Trump's personal library has burned down

The fire consumed both books and in a tragic twist he hadn't even finished coloring the second one

Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that."

The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"

Hey girl, are you the SAT?

Because I'd do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes, with a 10 minute break in between for snacks. Then I'd stare at you for another 5-10 minutes thinking, "Wow, I really hope I don't screw this up."

"This is the hardest part of our job," said the police officer after Adam was pronounced dead in the accident.

"Yeah, but break the news slowly. His wife is a very sensitive person."

The police officer knocks on the door and Adam's wife opens it.

"Are you Adam's widow?" said the police.

I rode to the liquor store yesterday on my bicycle...

I bought a bottle of Rum and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave I thought for a moment. If I fall off the bicycle, the bottle might break.

To avoid that, I drank all of the rum before I left the store.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off the bike seven times on my way home

BREAKING NEWS: A man who took an Airline company to court after his luggage went missing has lost his case.

I went to the liquor store on my bicycle and bought a bottle vodka, put it in the basket on the front and then it occurred to me that if I fall or something happens, the bottle might break, so I drank it all right there and it's a good thing I did...

...'cause I fell 7 times on the way home...

Break ups are the worst in China...

You see her face everywhere.

My doctor wrote me a prescription for "dailysex"...

But the wife had to break it to me that it was actually for "dyslexia".

A beer bottle, a mirror, and a condom are all talking to each other....

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck!


Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

Santa and Mrs. Claus have decided to break up

However, finding a divorce lawyer at the North Pole is next to impossible, so instead they got a semicolon.

They're great at separating independent Clauses.

I had a breakthrough today and got in touch with my inner self.

That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.

Break a mirror, 7 years of bad luck.

Break a condom, your bad luck will probably outlive you.

I witnessed the break up of an obese couple

I guess they didn't work out.

Did you hear about the crematorium employee who took a nap on a gurney during his break?

He got fired for sleeping on the job.

Why are ships' portholes round?

So that if they break, water doesn't hit you square in the face.

Husband takes his wife to a disco.

Husband takes his wife to a disco. There's a guy on the dance floor dancing like a king –moonwalking, break dancing, head spins, the works. The wife turns to her husband and sighs: "You see that man? 25 years ago he asked me to marry him and I said no."

Husband says: "Yep, it looks like he's still celebrating!!"

Breaking News: A movie theatre has just been robbed of over two thousand dollars

The theives took a large soda and two bags of popcorn

Barack Obama is having a race with Joe Biden around the white house.

After finishing the race Obama says "Whew, just under 10 minutes. Did I break the record?"

Biden replies "No, Bush did 9:11."

So a prison break was happening...

And I happened to be walking around when it happened. It had a huge wall, and I saw someone climbing down from it. Turns out I knew the guy, he's a famous midget con artist that I ratted out. As he climbed down, he gave me this wretched look.

It was a little condescending.

Breaking News: In a press media briefing, United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz has stated...

"Since we cannot beat our competitors, we have resorted to beating our customers".

I had to break up with my cross-eyed girlfriend...

Apparently, she was seeing someone else on the side.

So a finch asks his mother...

"Mom, why does my beak look different than yours?"
She replies, "Well son, I hate to break it to you, but you're adapted."

I went to the local liquor store on my bicycle the other day

I bought a nice bottle of scotch and put it in my basket.. I was afraid that if I fell over the bottle might break so instead of risking it I drank the bottle right there.

Turned out to be a smart thing to do because I must have fallen 12 times on my short way back home..

I came up with this joke during lunch break: What do you call a jewish obstacle course?

Shlalom

Three burglars break into a building and are confronted by a soldier, a cop, and a politician.

The politician tells the soldier to kill Burglar #1, and the two stab each other to death.

The politician then tells the cop to arrest Burglar #2, and the two beat each other unconscious.

The politician then walks up to Burglar #3 and says "I just saved your life, your freedom, and tripled your share of the loot. I think 20% is a fair cut."

Where do admins go for summer break?

Banned camp.

My girlfriend texted me that the relationship cannot continue because I played too much video games.

Looks like it was my Destiny 2 break up with her.

I had to break up with my tennis player girlfriend

Love meant nothing to her

A schoolboy rescues President Trump

A schoolboy walking home from school see Donald Trump* drowning in a pond. He dives him and saves him.

The president is very grateful and offers him a gift as a reward.

"All I want is a wheelchair" says the boy.

A wheelchair? Why do you need a wheelchair? the president asks.

Well, the boy explains, when my old man finds out I rescued you from drowning, he's gonna break both my legs.

*(

So I was standing behind this girl

I was standing behind this girl at a school dance while we were waiting to get some juice. She was really pretty, so I thought I'd break the ice with a joke.

I tapped her on the shoulder and said "Hey, what's blue and smells like red paint?"

She smiled and asked, "what?"

As I was about to open my mouth, I accidentally tripped and knocked over everyone in front of me. I never got to finish the joke, but that's how I totally screwed up the punch line.

Last night I rode my bike to the liquor store

... and bought a bottle of whisky. I put the bottle in the bike basket but before riding back I thought: what if I fall down for some reason? The bottle will break! So I drank the whole bottle of whisky before riding home.

And thank God I did, because I must have fallen down about a dozen times before I got home.

Guitar

The only time you can break a g string while fingering a minor without getting arrested.

My girlfriend threatened to break up with me

She said, "You act so childish whenever I'm around. Now, it's either 'your mom' jokes or me."

I said, "And I, like so many men before me, will eagerly choose your mom."

Her: I want to break up. For starters, I'm sick of your terrible jokes.

Him: Ok. And for the main course?

I went to the liquor store on my bike the other day to get some vodka

But I was afraid that I would fall of my bike on my way home and break the bottle, so I drank the entire bottle before I went home. Which ended up being a good thing since I fell of my bike 7 times on my way home

A penguin falls asleep on an iceberg,...

When he wakes up, he finds himself encased in ice, floating in the middle of the ocean. To his fortune, he spots the horn of a narwhal close by. Thanking his lucky stars, he calls out to him. The narwhal comes and the penguin asks "Thank goodness you're around, Mr. Narwhal. Could you break the ice?". The narwhal stares at him for a bit.

"Ok, so what are your hobbies?"

How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?

By dropping it seven feet - it won't break for the first six.

What's the worst way to break up with a blind person?

I think we should see other people

Bad luck

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!
Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get 7 years bad luck.
*condom walks in laughing*

A man has an appointment with a urologist.

The man is sitting on the examination table when the Urologist walks in. The urologist glances at the man's medical history, makes a few notes and then says: "Look, I hate to break it to you, but you have to stop masturbating."

The man frowns and says, "Why, Doc?"

The urologist responds: "So I can examine you."

I had to break up with my cross-eyed girlfriend today.

She was seeing other people.

Why I Joined the Air Force

The DOD was conducting an all service briefing and the leader posed this question.
What would you do if you found a scorpion in your tent?
A sailor said, I'd step on it.
A soldier said, I'd squash it with my boot.
A marine said, I'd catch it, break the stinger off, and eat it.
An Airman said. I'd call room service and find out why there's a tent in my room.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...

...that way, you don't have to break open that stupid ribcage.

I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. I had to break up with her.

She was seeing somebody on the side.

Breaking news just in. A cement mixer has collided with a prison van on the highway,

Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals

I had to break up with my girlfriend. She was a necromancer.

She wanted us to raise a family together.

Roosevelt, Churchill and Stalin are taking a coffee break in Yalta...

Churchill takes out a small black notebook and starts writing something down.

"Taking notes?", Roosevelt asks.

"No," Churchill says, "I heard a new political joke about myself this morning. I collect all jokes about myself. I already have over 100 in this notebook."

"How funny," Stalin says. "I collect all jokes about myself too."

"Oh, really?" Churchill says. "So how many have you got?"

"Three prison camps so far."

Britain should have written a break up note

"It's not EU, it's me"

A guy takes his wife out for the night and they end up at a disco where there's a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going...

The wife turns to her husband and says, See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.


The husband replies, It looks like he's still celebrating.

My friend just came to me all depressed because his kid's failing 3rd grade, and he doesn't know how to break it to him.

Apparently slowly wasn't the advice he was looking for.

Why is it so hard to break up with a Japanese Girl?

You have to drop the Bomb twice before she gets the Message.

BREAKING NEWS!! Cheese Factory Explosion...

De-Brie is everywhere!

11 Blondes and a brunette

There are 12 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 11 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette. They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die. No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, "I'll get off." The blondes, all moved by the brunette's speech, start clapping. Problem solved.

How many hearts can the Belgium football team break at once?

About a brazilian...

Man visits a dentist with broken teeth

Dentist.:- how did you manage to break these three teeth. .?

Man:- my wife bakeda bread that was too hard.

Dentist.:- you could have refused to eat it

Man:- that's exactly how this happened...

My girlfriend said I believe in you and it made me happy.

But then I realised she had just affected a culturally inappropriate Jamaican accent to break the news that she was moving out.

BREAKING: Police are trying to rescue a cow lost in a cannabis field.

The steaks have never been higher.

Why did the introduction and the conclusion break up?

They were just never on the same page...

How to make Break jokes?

We have collected gags and puns about Break to have fun with. Do you want to stand out in a crowd with a good sense of humour joking about Break? If Yes here are a lot more hilarious lines and funny Break pick up lines to share with friends.

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